FOURTH WALL
First, a po-em:

‘Twas the night before… some holiday, and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, except for a mouse.

The mouse sought out Max, and squeaked in his ear,
“If you don’t help me, BLEEP, I will ruin your year.

“I’ll have hundreds of babies, and live in your walls,
and I’ll teach all my kiddos to chew on your balls!”

Max startled awake, confused by this rodent,
he’d been deep in a sleep that was nearly explodent.

He’d been dreaming of love and invisible sex,
but his dream was now dry because of this pest.

MAX
“Ugh, what do you want, Mister Mouse, what’s your deal?”

FOURTH WALL
Max mumbled, half sleeping, this whole thing surreal.

“Please give your assistance, or my family will perish,”
the mouse begged. Max groaned, this ordeal was nightmarish.

MAX
“What do you need, mouse, what help can I give?”

FOURTH WALL
The mouse answered, “Make sure my family will live!”

Come on, stupid human, just throw me a bone,
there’s a lame douchebag creep destroying my home.

I need you to scare him, or kill him, or fight,
And get him away from my family tonight!”

MAX
“Not to be rude, but this is rather annoying,
This holiday eve, you’re kind of destroying.”

FOURTH WALL
The mouse’s sad thoughts gave Maxim the gist,
He decided,

MAX
“Why not? I guess I’ll assist.

So, mister mouse, who’s this villainous tool?”

FOURTH WALL
The mouse said, “I dunno, but he’s really not cool.

I would fight him myself, but I am a coward.
He’s a fully sized human, and quite superpowered!”

MAX
“If it’s someone with powers, I can’t do this alone.
Let me call up a couple of friends on my phone.”

FOURTH WALL
So Max called his team, his trusted alliance,
who responded with semi-reluctant compliance.

Sophia and Ren and Max did assemble,
with a mindset to make any henchperson tremble.

Will our heroes succeed? Will they have losses or wins?
Well, Listener, this is where our story begins!

SFX: INTRO STINGER

SOPHIA
Why have we gathered? What is going on, Max?

MAX
Thanks for coming, Sophia. I know it’s late, but I really appreciate it.

REN
I literally just threw my cape on over my pajamas. This is the best you’re getting from me in the middle of the night.

MAX
I know, Ren, I know. I’m really sorry.

SOPHIA
So, why did you need our assistance?

MAX
So, a mouse came to ask me for help. He lives in this building, in another apartment, and he said some superpowered guy busted in and is totally wrecking the place.

REN
This is all for a mouse? Seriously?

SOPHIA
Were the current inhabitants of the apartment hurt?

MAX
No, it sounds like they’re on vacation this week or something, I dunno, but no one should be home.

REN
Well, at least there’s that.

TAMMY
Ren? Sophia? What are you doing here? It’s 2:30 in the BLEEPing morning!

SOPHIA
Hello, Tammy! Were you not expecting us?

TAMMY
Your voices just woke me up. Maxi, is there a mission or something?

MAX
Umm, kind of. Yeah. There’s a situation.

REN
You woke us up and dragged us here, but you didn’t think to ask your superpowered sister, who, ya know, lives with you?

MAX
She downed a whole box of wine a few hours ago, so I’m pretty sure she’s still drunk.

TAMMY
I’m only as drunk as I choose to be, BLEEP!

SOPHIA
I am afraid it does not work that way, Tammy. You should go back to bed and, perhaps, drink some water.

TAMMY
What’s going on, Maxi, is there another evil Santa robot attacking downtown? Is the Christmas gang on a rampage? Did the Stag lose control of his sleigh?

MAX
Tammy, you know the Stag’s not a reindeer.

REN
The Christmas gang? Ugh, I remember those idiots. When I was helping Lucid Lucy dreamwalk a few of them for intel, I met Garland, Nutcracker, and Eggnog.

TAMMY
That must’ve been after I sent Gingerbread to the Island.

REN
Do you think it’s them?

MAX
I don’t know. Maybe? I think we should just go investigate.

SOPHIA
What about Tammy?

REN
I can handle her.

TAMMY
Why are you touching me?

REN
I’m gonna take you back to your room, and you’re gonna go back to bed, okay?

TAMMY
You have surprisingly soft hands.

REN
I moisturize. Get moving!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

SOPHIA
I am pleased that Tammy’s sonic hiccups have not ruined your holiday.

MAX
Yeah, her drinking’s destructive enough by itself, she doesn’t need to make it any worse.

SOPHIA
What are your usual holiday plans, Max? Do you practice any specific religion?

MAX
Uh, not really. We didn’t really grow up with any religion, no, so our family always just celebrated Christmas by default.

SOPHIA
Due to my amnesia, I do not know what my family has celebrated in the past. Smasher has given me several small gifts in December of each year, but there is never a specific holiday attached to them. I have researched Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Rohatsu, and Yule. As I base my decisions on science, however, and not religion, it does not make sense to choose one over the other. I have also heard of Festivus, but that is a non-religious, made-up holiday.

MAX
Well, every holiday used to be a normal day until a person or church or, I dunno, whatever, decided to celebrate something on that day. That means, technically, every holiday is made up. Right?

SOPHIA
Your logic is sound, Max. I can not argue. Perhaps I shall start my own personal holiday, revolving around an annual visit to Build-a-bear!

MAX
Hey, whatever works for you! My family never goes to church or anything, so to us, Christmas is just an excuse to put up decorations and give each other presents. Tammy usually just calls it Giftmas. We blame capitalism.

SOPHIA
I do like the idea of celebrating the new year, and wiping the slate clean. As someone with a mostly blank slate, it is appealing to me.

MAX
I think this is the loneliest time of the year. Tammy doesn’t really talk to our parents, and we don’t have a big family to begin with, so it’s always really depressing. We’re supposed to help others, and give back, and lift up our fellow humans, or whatever, but since we’re in the superhero business, aren’t we supposed to be doing that on a daily basis already? Like, come on, give me a break.



SOPHIA
As someone without an identifiable family, I can empathize with you. With my memory, I can relive every single minute of each holiday I’ve spent alone. To be honest, I would rather be here with you, today, than alone in my quarters.

MAX
Sophia, you know you’re always welcome. After we help this mouse, you can come back over and we can do something festive!

SOPHIA
I would like that. Thank you.

REN
Okay, I’m back! That was way easier than I thought.

SOPHIA
Ren, did you successfully sing Tammy to sleep using your power?

REN
I tried to take her to the bathroom first, but she didn’t have to pee, then she passed out in her bed before I could even try singing. Oh, well. Let’s get going, I want to get home sometime before my family wakes up.

MAX
Fine, let’s just get this over with.

SFX: TIME JUMP STINGER

MAX
Do you think we should knock?

SOPHIA
The door is ajar, Max. I believe we should enter quietly, with caution.

REN
In case you need me to sing, I’ll stay in the back, 

MAX
Huh. Good idea, Ren.

SFX: DOOR CREAKING OPEN

MAX
Well it’s nice to see my door isn’t the only creaky one in this crappy old building.

SFX: DISTANT SOUNDS OF THINGS HITTING WALLS

SOPHIA
This is the same layout as your apartment, Max. I can hear someone in the master bedroom.

MAX
It looks like whoever it was started out here. This place is a mess! Maybe it’s just a thief.

REN
Looks like the floorboards are being ripped up. Why would a thief do that?

MAX
I don’t know.

SFX: MORE OBJECTS HITTING A WALL


NICK
Darn it! Where is it? This is impossible!

SFX: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

SOPHIA
Halt! Please explain your presence!

NICK
Holy crap! Who are you?

MAX
We heard noises and saw the door was open, so we just came in to check it out. Is everything... okay?

NICK
Stay back.

MAX
Whoa, don’t worry. Ow! Hey! Are you doing this to me? We come in peace! Ugh, stop it!

NICK
I said stay back! I don’t want to hurt you!

MAX
Then stop hurting me!

NICK
I’m not doing it on purpose!

SOPHIA
There is no need for violence. Please desist, or you will be taken into custody!

NICK
Hey, you’re Recall, right? You’re Smasher’s sidekick!

SOPHIA
Yes, I am, so you know I am good for my word.

NICK
Pull your friend back. My power’s a proximity thing!

REN
I got you, Buck. Come back here with me.

MAX
What the heck was that?

NICK
I’m sorry. I can affect people’s muscles with my emotions. When I get anxious, everyone close to me gets really bad cramps.

REN
Uh, what happens when you’re happy?

NICK
The opposite. It’s kind of like a super relaxing massage. But that doesn’t really happen often.

REN
Huh. Cool.

MAX
So, what are you doing here? You don’t live here.

NICK
I’m not robbing the place or anything, I swear. And I don’t live here now, but I used to. This is my family’s place.

MAX
Why are you here?

NICK
They’re out of town, so I thought I would sneak back in and get something I left behind, but I can’t find it.

SOPHIA
Why did you break in tonight? Why did you not wait for your family to return?

NICK
I didn’t break in, technically. I still have a key. And I’m not… exactly welcome here.

MAX
Why not?

NICK
I was living here with my mom, my step-father, and my step-sisters, but then my mom got sick and– My mom passed away a few years ago, and my step-father kicked me out because he doesn’t… agree with my lifestyle. Whenever he used to get really angry and threaten me, my mom would sing and he’d get really calm and peaceful. That was her power, influencing emotions with her voice.

REN
Really? That’s like me! But my singing makes people fall asleep.

NICK
You must be Snoozy Susie! I’ve heard of you!

REN
Really? No one knows me.

NICK
One of my nasty step-sisters told me about you. Your hero Lucid Lucy went into her dreams a little while back.

REN
Really? Who was it?

NICK
Garland and Eggnog, my twisted step-sisters.. After my mom died, my step-father started a gang of henchpeople called the Christmas Gang. He goes by Nutcracker, and there were a couple others, like Gingerbread and Missile-toe, but they got caught by some loud screaming lady named Pitch.

MAX
What was your mom’s name? Was it something like Holly, or Figgy Pudding? No, that’s Dumb. Sorry.

NICK
No, it’s okay. The Christmas theme is kind of ridiculous. My mom’s name was Carol. Christmas Carol.

MAX
Uh, how did I not guess that?


NICK
She was never an official superhero, like any of you, but she would try her best to go around singing in hospitals and places where people were sad, to cheer them up and bring them peace. She also never left my horrible step-family because she saw how evil they could be, so she figured sticking around would keep them pacified.

REN
She sounds like a really great lady. I’m sorry she’s gone.

NICK
Yeah, me too. She was the best.

MAX
Do you have a Christmas name, too? What should we call you?

NICK
My evil step-sisters call me Crampus, but you can call me Nick.

MAX
Good ole’ Saint Nick…

NICK
Yeah, like I said, the whole theme is... ridiculous.

SOPHIA
What is it that you are searching for, Nick? What did you come back to find?

NICK
Oh, wow, sorry, Recall, Wow, I still can’t believe that you’re here talking to me. Smasher isn’t nearby, is he?

SOPHIA
No, he is not. Thank you for the adoration, but I believe we should, as they say, “get down to business.” I do not know who “they” are, but I assume they are very straightforward and professional.

NICK
Oh, okay, yeah. Umm. Well, there was this ornament that my mom made for me when she started getting sick, and she told me to keep it safe because, when she was gone, it would be like her looking out for me from above. She handpainted an angel on it.

MAX
Is that what you’re looking for? An ornament?

NICK
Yeah, but I can’t find it anywhere. What used to be my old room is filled with boxes, and I’ve been trying to sort through them, but there are zero decorations in sight. I’m afraid my step-father just chucked ‘em.

REN
Would the leader of the Christmas Gang throw away ornaments? That seems weird to me. Do you have a storage closet or crawl space or something?

NICK
No, it’s gotta be here.

MAX
Yeah, these apartments don’t exactly have a lot of storage space.

NICK
How do you know?

MAX
Oh, I live here too. Not on this floor, though. BLEEP. I should not’ve told you that! 

SFX: CENSOR “SHIT”

NICK
It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone. I don’t know who you are out of costume anyway… or in costume, for that matter.

MAX
(groan)

SOPHIA
Nick, where was the last place you remember seeing the ornament?

NICK
I don’t really remember, that’s the problem. Mom showed me the ornament in the summertime, because she didn’t think she’d make it to December. I think she put it in a shoebox, but I never saw where she put it.

SOPHIA
And you have checked everywhere?

NICK
I checked every closet and every drawer in the place, and then I started looking through the boxes. They’re in rough shape, though. It looks like no one’s cleaned in over a year. I found mouse droppings in a couple different spots.

MAX
Yeah, so that’s actually why we’re here. One of the mice was mad that you were messing with his home, and he came to get me and he asked me to come punish you.

NICK
What?

MAX
I can talk to animals. It’s kinda my thing. I’m Buck, sidekick to the Stag!

NICK
Never heard of you. Sorry.

MAX
But you know Snoozy Susie? She’s only been sidekicking for like 4 minutes!

REN
Hey, he can’t help it if I’m memorable.

MAX
Ugh, whatever.

SOPHIA
Please forgive my colleagues, Nick. They are immature. Tell me, when your mother showed you the ornament, do you remember exactly what she said to you?

NICK
Umm, she said that she wanted me to be safe, so she made a guardian angel to look out for me. She said it would be looking down on me in times of need. I’d assumed she meant it would be like her looking down on me from heaven.

SOPHIA
And you saw her place it into a shoebox?

NICK
Yeah, I think so. Or maybe it wasn’t a shoebox. But it was a small container.

MAX
You said your step-father kicked you out? So I take it you didn’t have time to look for it then, or pack up all your stuff?

NICK
I was a little too busy crying. I was so upset, though, everyone who came near me was crippled with extra-strength contraction-level cramps, so that bought me enough time to throw most of my belongings into a duffle bag. The ornament slipped my mind, though. I was too afraid to come back until I was certain they were gone.

MAX
I’m really sorry that happened to you. I’m– uhh, okay, so, my parents were pretty understanding when I told them about what makes me different, but I was terrified of a bad reaction like that.

NICK
You were afraid they wouldn’t understand your animal powers?

MAX
No, not that. You said your step-father kicked you out because of your lifestyle. When I came out to my parents, I was really scared they’d reject me.

NICK
Oh, no, I’m not gay.

MAX
Oh. Then why did he kick you out?

NICK
I’m a goth, through and through. Apparently, having a goth in the family looks really bad when your whole schtick is Christmas. Which is weird, by the way. My step-father, Nutcracker? He’s totally Jewish.

SOPHIA
I had assumed you were wearing all black because you were attempting to be stealthy while breaking into this apartment.

NICK
Well, I was. We goths may not have a super diverse color palette when it comes to wardrobe, and black does best represent the physical manifestation of my usual emotional state, but... some of us wear more than just black! That’s a stereotype. I can appreciate a deep blood red.

REN
Before I start falling asleep standing up, can we try to find this ornament? I’m exhausted.

SOPHIA
No need, Snoozy Susie. I believe I have already discovered it’s hidden location.

NICK
What are you talking about?

SOPHIA
When your mother said the ornament would be looking down on you, she was not making an allusion to heaven, she meant it literally. There is a ceiling tile fractionally askew in the corner of the room.

NICK
What? Where?

SOPHIA
Between the sofa and the window.

NICK
Really? That’s where my mom used to put up the Christmas tree every year!

MAX
Sophia, are you sure? It doesn’t look out of the ordinary to me.

SOPHIA
I am positive. The pattern on that tile, however symmetrical, does not quite line up with the other tiles. It has very obviously been removed and then put back into place.

MAX
I wouldn’t say that was obvious.

NICK
The last Christmas that we spent together, I helped my mom put the star on the top of the tree. I’d slipped and knocked the tile loose, and when I was putting it back in place, I remember Mom saying that it would be a fun place to hide stuff for each other. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that!

REN
Ehh, memory is Recall’s thing. Also, she’s like super smart.

NICK
Let me drag the couch over. I should be able to stand up on the edge and reach.

MAX
Here, let me help.

SFX: DRAGGING SOFA, EXERTION GRUNTS

NICK
Okay, that should work. Thanks!

REN
Is it just me, or is it oddly convenient that these apartments have weird, retro ceiling tiles with patterns on them in the first place?

SOPHIA
Do not over-analyze the situation, Ren, it will ruin the moment!

REN
Fine, whatever.

NICK
I think I found something!

SFX: TILE MOVING, BOX BEING TAKEN OUT

NICK
Okay, got it.

MAX
Well? Open it up.

SFX: SHOE BOX OPENING

NICK
Oh my god, I finally found it!

REN
Wow, that’s really pretty.

NICK
I can’t believe it.

SFX: RATTLING IN ORNAMENT

MAX
Hey, it sounds like there’s something rattling inside.

NICK
That’s weird.

SOPHIA
Try unscrewing the top where the hook is connected. It looks like it is removable.

NICK
Hmm. Okay. Let’s see…

MAX
I feel like we’re solving the DaVinci Code or something!

SFX: UNSCREWING ORNAMENT TOP

NICK
Hey, this was in the ornament. What do you think it is, a crystal?

SOPHIA
No, Nick. That is a diamond. Quite a large one, at that. May I see it?

NICK
Oh, yeah, here ya go. Why would my mom put a diamond in an ornament?

SOPHIA
When your mother said it would be for you in your time of need, she must have meant financially. Are you in need of money?

NICK
I was couch surfing with friends for a few months, then I got a part time job and found a roommate for awhile, but then I lost my job last month and I’ve been staying at a shelter downtown. So, yes, I currently have like 17 dollars to my name.

REN
It’s a holiday miracle!  Sorry, I’m really tired.

SOPHIA
I would estimate this diamond is worth at least 200 thousand dollars, if you are interested in selling it.

NICK
Uh. Excuse me?

SOPHIA
Here, take it back and keep it safe. If you would like to obtain the cash value of this diamond, I know a guy.

MAX
You what?

SOPHIA
I know a guy.

MAX
Do I want to know why?

SOPHIA
You probably do want to know, yes.

MAX
But you’re not telling me?

SOPHIA
Maybe some other time.

REN
Don’t worry, I’ll get her drunk and get the story out of her.

SOPHIA
No thank you!

NICK
So, what does this mean?

MAX
It means your mom probably knew you wouldn’t be staying with your lame-o step-family after she passed, so she wanted to make sure you had some help!

NICK
I don’t know what to say. Thank you, Recall! This means so much, I– I don’t even have words.

SOPHIA
It was not only me. Without Buck receiving a telepathic mouse message, we would have never been here to help!

MAX
It was less of a message and more of a threat.

REN
What about me? How did I contribute?

SOPHIA
You did not contribute in any way, but in case of danger, you would have surely saved us from any possible threat with your singing powers!

REN
BLEEP this Christmas miracle diamond nonsense. Can we go home now?

MAX
Yeah, let’s get out of here. Nick, want to come crash at my place tonight? My couch is available.

NICK
Really? You would let a total stranger stay the night?

MAX
Well, considering that the most valuable thing to ever be in my apartment is going to be in your possession, I’m not really worried about you stealing off in the middle of the night.

REN
It already IS the middle of the night.

MAX
Touché. So, Nick, what do you say?

NICK
Sounds good to me!

SOPHIA
Should we clean up your family’s apartment so they remain unaware that you were here in their absence?

NICK
Nah, we can make it look like a break-in and they’ll freak out trying to figure out what was stolen, even though they’ll never figure it out. And they won’t call the cops, because, you know, they’re criminals. So I think we’ll be fine.

MAX
I am feeling really, really relaxed right now.

SOPHIA
I am as well. Like all the tension has left my body.

NICK
Oh, yeah, sorry, that’s my power. When I’m happy, your muscles relax.

REN
Wow, feels amazing. Makes me want to take a nap.

MAX
Recall, Snoozy Susie, you head home. I don’t need your help to set up Nick for the night.

REN
You don’t have to tell me twice. See ya!

SOPHIA
Nick, it was very nice to make your acquaintance. In the morning, I will text Buck the address for my perfectly legal diamond contact.

NICK
Okay! Great! Also, if it’s not too much trouble… Could you get me an autograph?

SOPHIA
Of course! Smasher will be delighted.

NICK
Oh, no, not from Smasher. I mean, yeah, that would be amazing, but I mean... from you. I just don’t have anything on me for you to sign right now.

SOPHIA
Oh. Yes. Of course! Thank you, Nick. I will bring it for you when I return for festivities after several hours of much-needed sleep.

MAX
Alright, sounds good. I need some sleep too. Nick, follow me, good sir!

SFX: TIME JUMP STINGER

MAX
Okay, so here are some sheets and a pillow. My room’s the first one in the hall here, right across from the bathroom.

NICK
Thank you so much, uhh, Buck?

MAX
Call me Max. And... Nick, you’re welcome here anytime. We run an informal support group for sidekicks, and even if you’re not a sidekick, you still have powers, and if you’re ever in need of support, we’re here for ya.

NICK
That’s really nice, thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.

TAMMY
Who the BLEEP is this little twink?

MAX
Tammy! You should be asleep.

TAMMY
I need to use the bathroom. Hey, I didn’t know you were into goths, Maxi. That’s hot. Have fun, you two!

NICK
Oh, no, no, I’m not here for that– Hey, you’re that screaming lady, Pitch!

TAMMY
Yup, that’s me! That screaming lady!

MAX
Tammy, Nick, Nick, Tammy. Please do your best to ignore my sister. She’s really drunk.

NICK
Nice to meet you.

TAMMY
Umm, do you have any superpower I should be aware of?

NICK
I, uhh, I affect people’s... muscles?

MAX
Yeah, he can make your muscles tighter or looser, I think.

TAMMY
Gotcha. That power should be pretty useful in bed. Lucky boy, Max! So. Nick. Are you the reason I just BLEEPed my pants, or did I do that all on my own?

NICK
It was probably me. I am so sorry.

TAMMY
Don’t be. This isn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last! I guess I don’t need the bathroom after all. Happy holidays, boys!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS TRAILING AWAY

NICK
Is she… not going to clean that up?

MAX
Oh god, I’m so sorry about her. She’s a mess.

NICK
It’s okay. Families can be complicated.

MAX
Yeah, they can. Okay, so I’ll get out of your hair now.

NICK
Thank you for everything, Max. Really.

MAX
Yeah, all in a day’s work. Goodnight, Nick. Glad we could help.

NICK
Goodnight!

FOURTH WALL
So, well, that was our story, a weird circumstance.
I think it was gross that Pitch peed her pants.

But that’s not the point; Nick’s mom left him hope!
Our new friend Crampus does not need to mope.

He now has a diamond, a way to keep going,
and don’t look surprised, but outside, now, it’s snowing.

It’s a cheesy cliché that is so overdone,
but thank goodness it’s not a dumb holiday pun.

Happy holidays, y’all, no matter your creed,
We don’t care if you’re in it for Jesus or greed!

We care about caring, and helping a friend,
Now it’s really quite late, so... whatever. The end!

MAT
This has been a Second Fiddles standalone holiday special! Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime, Ren is voiced by Kristy Barkan, Fourth Wall is voiced by John Pupo, and Nick is voiced by Griffin Brown. Thanks for listening, and happy holidays!