FOURTH WALL
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Max talks to animals, even though most of them hate his guts. Max also goes by Buck, sidekick to The Stag, a giant super-powered deer. Max’s sister Tammy is known as Pitch, an unemployed sidekick with a supersonic scream. These two super siblings have started Second Fiddles, a support group for sidekicks. We left off with Max and Tammy meeting their first recruit. Let’s begin.

MAX
Episode 2: Sophia.

MAX
Hi! Hi, are you here for the support group? Welcome to, uh…

TAMMY
Second Fiddles.

MAX
Second Fiddles.

SOPHIA
Hello. Yes, I am here because I received a text message from Pitch.

MAX
This is the place! Please, come in, make yourself comfortable. I see you came in costume.

SOPHIA
The text was lacking details.

TAMMY
Oh, hi, Recall, you made it! Glad you got my text.

SOPHIA
Hello, Pitch. Thank you for inviting me. Is this your home?

TAMMY
Yeah, me and my brother both live here.

SOPHIA
Yes, apparently your brother is the Stag’s sidekick, Buck. That is… interesting. Does the superhero business run in your family?

MAX
How do you know I’m Buck? I’m not wearing my costume.

SOPHIA
I recognize your voice. Your mask also only covers the area around your eyes, so it is not a great disguise. I do like the tiny antlers on your helmet, however. They are cute.

MAX
Noted. Great. Is that why you wear those goggles, so no one recognizes you?

SOPHIA
Partly, but it is mostly to prevent small, sharp objects from abrading my corneas. My hero causes a lot of destruction, so shards of glass and other various types of debris are constantly striking me in the face.

TAMMY
Yeah, what’s it like working with Smasher? He gives off some big BLEEP energy.

MAX
Let her sit down first. We have pizza, if you’re hungry!

SOPHIA
That is very generous. Thank you, but I will decline.

MAX
Oh my god, I’m so insensitive, do you even, ya know, eat?

SOPHIA
Contrary to popular belief, Buck, I am not actually a robot. I do eat, but not pizza. I am lactose-intolerant.

TAMMY
(giggle) Nice one, bro.

MAX
I’m sorry. I guess I don’t know much about you. You’re a member of the A-league, and I’m just a reserve member of the C-league. But, how do you know Tammy?

SOPHIA
Who is Tammy?

TAMMY
Oh, he means me. When I’m not Pitch, my real name is Tammy, and this is Max. You don’t have to tell us your name or take off your mask if you don’t want to.

MAX
You’re in our home, and we want to really be a support group. I was thinking a little bit of truth can’t hurt.

SOPHIA
The Stag does not normally have any crossover work with Smasher, and Pitch, I believe you are currently unemployed, so I do not see a conflict of interest.

TAMMY
I’m not unemployed, I’m just... between heroes at the moment, that’s all.

SOPHIA
Regardless, I do not believe there is enough risk to warrant maintaining my alias in your presence. You may call me Sophia.

MAX
It’s nice to meet you Sophia. You can just set your mask on the table here if you– (gasp)

SOPHIA
Has my appearance startled you?

MAX
Your eyes, they’re… silver? They kind of look like mercury.

SOPHIA
Yes. I originally chose the name Quicksilver for my alias, but it was, alas, already taken.

MAX
Recall seems to fit your powers well. You have a perfect memory, right?

SOPHIA
I recall everything, yes. It is more than an eidetic memory, which most people refer to as photographic.

MAX
I think that’s why people think you’re a robot, because your brain is like a computer.

SOPHIA
I am aware of that rumor as well. It upsets me. Regardless, I do not have the processing capabilities of a computer, but I am able to remember every specific detail of my life.

MAX
So, does that mean you remember everything from your childhood? Like, do you remember being born?

TAMMY
Max, that’s rude.

MAX
Yeah, no, sorry, I’m just like, really curious.

SOPHIA
I do not have any memory of my birth. In fact, I have no memory of anything from before 7 years ago. Specifically, 7 years, 203 days, 11 hours, and you probably do not care about the minutes or seconds.

TAMMY
I didn’t care about the days or hours, either.

MAX
So, you just woke up one morning with no memory, but with the ability to remember everything?

TAMMY
Did your family help fill in the blanks?

SOPHIA
I know nothing about my life from before, including my family. I have not been able to discover any information about who I am, or where I am from, or the origins of my abilities.

MAX
So is Sophia even your real name?

SOPHIA
One of the technicians at the laboratory I was living in was a big fan of The Golden Girls, and she let me watch it with her. Sophia is my favorite.

MAX
You were living in a laboratory?

SOPHIA
Yes, before I started working with Smasher, and prior to moving into the secret A-League headquarters, I took part in a series of experiments for 642 days and 3 hours. You probably do not care about the minutes or seconds.

TAMMY
Really, you could’ve just rounded to the nearest year.

MAX
That’s awful. Well, I’m happy you were able to get outta there. Did Smasher break you out? Ooh, was it like a rescue mission?

SOPHIA
No, it was not that kind of testing. The experiments were cognitive in nature. There were no surgeries or invasive procedures. It was mostly puzzle-solving and memory-related testing. When they came to the conclusion that I had total recall, but no computer brain, as the rumors suggest, I made the decision to leave on my own volition.

TAMMY
Max watches too much television, and he listens to this speculative superhero podcast that tries to discover people’s identities and examine their origin stories. I don’t understand why, podcasts are stupid. He was probably imagining you being attached to electrodes in an underground government testing facility.

MAX
Shut up, Tammy, podcasts are awesome.

SOPHIA
I was attached to electrodes in an underground government testing facility.

TAMMY
Oh, BLEEP.

SOPHIA
The electrodes were not intended to hurt me, they were for collecting data. Are you familiar with electroencephalography?

MAX
Umm, maybe? So you’re saying they really just let you go? No strings?

SOPHIA
Smasher was employed there at the time, and he offered me a job.

MAX
Smasher, the super strong, 9 foot tall behemoth of a man, worked in a science lab? Seriously?

TAMMY
I thought he was like, super dumb.

SOPHIA
He is not always Smasher, just as you are not always Buck and Pitch.

TAMMY
Are you saying that Smasher is really like a nerdy scientist who transforms into a giant man-beast?

SOPHIA
No, those are your words. I have said nothing. Let us change the topic immediately.

TAMMY
Maybe Smasher is really smart when he’s in his regular form, but his stronger form is a moron, so he needs you there to help remember the plan.

SOPHIA
I cannot confirm or deny the accuracy of your inference. But I can confirm that I am the brain to his brawn, when necessary.

MAX
That is so. Cool. Sorry, I’m fanboying.

SOPHIA
I understand. Smasher is very famous.

MAX
Hmm. I still want to know how you know my sister.

TAMMY
I don’t think we need to talk about that.

SOPHIA
I had an encounter with her when she was sidekicking for her previous hero, Slap. The A-league needed some additional heroes from the B-league to assist with a classified matter.

MAX
Oh, do you mean like the secret invasion of those body-snatching aliens, the Skillies?

SOPHIA
It would seem it is not that much of a secret invasion if you are aware of it. Pitch, did you tell your brother about a classified mission?

TAMMY
No, I swear. Just because we live together doesn’t mean I don’t keep secrets from him.

MAX
That’s reassuring. And she’s right, she didn’t leak any classified intel.

SOPHIA
Then how did you acquire this knowledge?

MAX
A little bird told me.

SOPHIA
Just because people think I am a robot does not mean I cannot grasp the use of idioms. Who told you?

TAMMY
What, are you going to tattle? Seriously, you can trust us.

MAX
Sophia, the day the A-league defeated the Skillies, I ran into one of my bird friends. Okay, well, my only bird friend, a Peregrine Falcon. She nests on one of those skyscrapers downtown near the building where the battle took place. She saw everything and told me about it.

SOPHIA
Ah, yes. Your animal communication powers. Do you have a network of agents spread throughout the city?

TAMMY
Oh god, no, he just has this crazy falcon. He found her as a chick when he was in college, and he raised her in his dorm room. She imprinted on him.

MAX
She’s not crazy. And her name’s Eloise.

TAMMY
And is Eloise her real name?

MAX
You know very well that humans can’t pronounce bird names! You’re just teasing me because Sophia’s here.

SOPHIA
If you like, I could leave.

MAX
No! No. Please, stay. Let’s not make this so work-focused. Let’s try to have more conversation, and less interrogation.

SOPHIA
I apologize. I do not… socialize often. Or ever. When Pitch texted me, I was intrigued. No one has ever done that before, except in regards to a mission.

TAMMY
We can’t talk about that Skilly invasion anyway, even though Max has a gist of what happened. Sorry, bro!

MAX
Whatever. I’m getting some pizza. I hope you didn’t order anything gross.

TAMMY
Hey Recall, if you ever need anything you can text me whenever. I could probably use a little more estrogen in my life, if you know what I mean.

SOPHIA
That would be wonderful. Thank you, Pitch.

TAMMY
Feel free to call me Tammy.

SOPHIA
And you may call me elephant.

TAMMY
What? Why?

SOPHIA
Because I never forget.

TAMMY
Was that… a joke?

SOPHIA
Laughter is not obligatory, but it is appreciated.

TAMMY
(laughter) I like you, Recall– Sophia. You’ve given me some hope for this sad attempt at a support group.

MAX
Seriously? Pepperoni? You know I don’t eat meat, Tammy!

TAMMY
Pick it off! He says that talking to animals makes it really hard to eat them, but I guarantee you he doesn’t even know what animal pepperoni comes from.

SOPHIA
It is made from multiple animals.

TAMMY
I didn’t say that I knew, either, but Max definitely doesn’t know.

SOPHIA
He does not have qualms with ingesting dairy?

TAMMY
No, the milking process is in a gray area.

SOPHIA
Interesting.

TAMMY
Is it?

SOPHIA
Yes, the moral and ethical waverings of certain vegetarians is amusing to me. So yes, it is interesting.

TAMMY
Sophia, I don’t mean this to be offensive, but people probably think you’re a robot because you don’t use contractions when you speak.

SOPHIA
Are robots unable to use contractions? I was unaware.

TAMMY
Was that another joke?

SOPHIA
Perhaps. I do not know why I have difficulty using contractions.

MAX
Even though I picked the pepperoni off, it still kinda tastes like a sad, dead, spicy pig.

TAMMY
Told you he didn’t know.

SOPHIA
He was partially right. Omitting the other ingredients does not make him incorrect.

MAX
Uh, so what did I miss?

TAMMY
Nothing.

MAX
Okay. So, Sophia, other than socializing, was there any other reason why you wanted to come here tonight?

SOPHIA
It is difficult to say, because many of the things I would like to speak about are classified.

MAX
You could generalize, or talk about your feelings. Is everything going okay with Smasher?

SOPHIA
He promised me that he would help me discover the truth about my past, and it has been years since that promise was made. He claims to get leads, but then they never pan out.

TAMMY
Didn’t you say something about him working at the lab you woke up in?

SOPHIA
Yes, my exact words were: Smasher was employed there at the time, and he offered me a job.

TAMMY
Another thing that friends probably shouldn’t do is use their perfect memories to repeat their previous statements verbatim, and out of context.

SOPHIA
I apologize.

MAX
She’s just teasing. Do you think Smasher knows more about your history than he’s letting on? If he was working there, he must know how long you were there for, or at least where you came from. Right?

SOPHIA
He claims that the files describing my past were redacted, and no one that had been part of my intake proceedings was available for questioning.

TAMMY
Are they dead? On a long vacation? That’s kind of a weird thing to say, not available…? Do you believe everything he tells you?

SOPHIA
Smasher took me in and gave me a home, and a purpose. If he was lying to me, why would he still pretend to care for me?

TAMMY
You can care about someone and still lie to them. I lie to Max all the time, but he’s the most important person in my life.

MAX
I’m not sure if that should give me the warm-fuzzies, or make me ask Eloise to spy on you.

TAMMY
Keep that dirty falcon BLEEP away from me.

MAX
You’re the most important person in my life, too.

SOPHIA
Is this a moment? Are you having a moment? I have heard about these.

TAMMY
Your sense of humor is far sharper than I’d expected.

MAX
Well now we definitely know you’re not a robot. Robots can’t be sarcastic.

SOPHIA
If that is your experience, I do not believe that we know the same robots.

MAX
Uh, guys? Do you hear that?

SOPHIA
I hear nothing out of the ordinary.

TAMMY
He’s using his power. What do you hear?

MAX
Uhh, rats, I think. A lot of them. They’re– they’re moving in this direction. They’re, uh, they’re getting louder. It's like they’re scratching in my brain. They’re, they’re scared. They’re running from something. But I can’t make out what–

(Explosions in the distance)

TAMMY
What the hell was that?

SOPHIA
Multiple explosions from downtown.

MAX
I can’t really see anything from the window. We need to help.

TAMMY
It’s time to suit up. Hey, Sophia, good thing you’re already in costume!

SOPHIA
Yes, it is convenient. The A-league is calling for me to join them. Smasher is on his way. I must go. Tammy, thank you for inviting me.

TAMMY
You’re welcome. Now, go! We’re right behind you. Come on, Buck, slap that mask on. You’ve always wanted to meet Smasher. Now’s your chance!

MAX
Got it. Are you changing?

TAMMY
No hero means no dress code. The hood on my jacket should be good enough to obscure my face if I need it.

MAX
Okay, let’s go. It’s time to get Buck-wild!

TAMMY
The Stag should fire you for that catch-phrase.

MAX
Shut up, Pitch.

MAX
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson (that’s me!) Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime, Fourth Wall is voiced by John Pupo, and Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson. Thanks for listening!