76 - Promotion


SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles:
Noelle has stepped up her crime-fighting as the hero Crampus, impressing us all. Cassie is doing her part, too, as Deus Ex Machina, but mostly by throwing herself into dangerous situations. Remember last season when she jumped off a building? Max certainly hasn’t forgotten. Speaking of Max, he and Blue Moon are still superpowered, but without the strength of Spirit and Reality Gems boosting their abilities, they’re not exactly pulling their weight. Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 76: Promotion

MAX
Hey Blue, thanks for coming, we have a lot to talk about.

BLUE
Hold on! I just need to record a promo.

SFX: PROMO MUSIC

MAX
Where’s that music coming from? It’s there even when you livestream. How does that work?

BLUE
Shhh! Shut up! Shut up! (clears throat)

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SFX: MUSIC ENDS

BLUE
Okay, sorry about that. I’m ready for whatever this meeting is.

MAX
Are wrinkly butts actually a problem?

BLUE
Not for me, thanks to Pure Peach Skin Care.

CASSIE
Blue, you couldn’t have done that later? Noelle and I have been waiting for you for like ten minutes.

NOELLE
Yeah, seriously. Or you could’ve recorded that in the hall before you came in.

BLUE
The natural lighting in here is better. There are no windows in the hallway!

MAX
You’re a ridiculous person.

NOELLE
He’s not wrong, the lighting IS better in here.

CASSIE
We don’t have all day, Max, just get to your point!

MAX
Hey! Don’t take it out on me. Blue is the one who was late!

BLUE
I got held up signing autographs earlier when I went to the store. I should really have my groceries delivered from now on. My fans are rabid!

NOELLE
I hope you mean that figuratively. I remember an old henchie gang called the Bear-Naked Rabies.

CASSIE
Bare as in naked?

MAX
The term Bare-naked is kind of redundant.
If you’re naked you’re already bare.

NOELLE
No, bear, like, a furry animal that hibernates. Their leader was named Hiber-Nate. It was short for Hiber-Nathan.

CASSIE
Did they actually give people rabies?

MAX
It’s really rare, but bears CAN get rabies. Most animals with rabies don’t live very long, though.

NOELLE
No, they weren’t rabid. They were all just themed after different woodland creatures. There was Hiber-Nate, Pandora’s Fox, Daft Skunk, and, uhh… James Squirrel Jones.

BLUE
Wordplay aside, it’s getting harder to be out in public!

MAX
What do you expect? The world is reeling after the Slap, and you’re the only powered influencer on the planet. Of course you’re getting attention! I mean, we ALL are. Now that I have new antlers growing in, I can’t hide who I am from anyone.

CASSIE
I’m honestly a little afraid people will figure out who I am and start bugging Ren or my mom.

MAX
We’ve all seen how bad it’s been for Linus dealing with his infamous family, so I get it. I don’t think Silver’s enjoying everything that comes with being Sally Mander’s twin sister, either.

CASSIE
Could we not talk about this anymore?

NOELLE
Yeah, I thought we were here for a reason, but you were super vague in your message, Max.

CASSIE
Can we just hurry this along?

MAX
Why in such a rush, Cassie? Planning to jump off any more buildings today?

CASSIE
Not buildings, no. I already had my daily dose of fun.

MAX
What does that mean?

CASSIE
I jumped off a bridge this morning.

MAX
Cassie! I was kidding!

BLUE
Seriously?

NOELLE
That’s messed up.

CASSIE
What?! I’m fine! I didn’t teleport this time, though. My arms turned into wings and I flew! It was awesome.

MAX
Are you sure you’re okay?

CASSIE
I mean, my chest is sore from flapping, but once I figured it out, I was kinda able to glide to the ground.

MAX
You know that’s not what I meant.

CASSIE
You don’t need to worry about me.

MAX
What if Rose or someone else figures out a way to get a power dampener on you?

CASSIE
Duh, my powers would block it.

NOELLE
You don’t know that, Cassie. Not for sure.

CASSIE
I have faith in my powers.

MAX
Well, I don’t. Not completely.

CASSIE
Yeah, I hear you loud and clear. You don’t trust me.

BLUE
He’s not saying he doesn’t trust you.

MAX
No, Blue, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Cassie, you just admitted to jumping off a bridge! If you weren’t so important, you would be in college right now, or sidekicking, not running around Rose City throwing yourself off bridges!

CASSIE
You’re just jealous. Your animal telepathy sucks, you miss your Eternity Gem powers, and you’re annoyed that I’m so much more useful!

MAX
I know I’m your supervisor, and I’m supposed to set a good example, but BLEEP YOU, Cassie. You’re being an impetuous little brat, and I’m sick of it.

CASSIE
ExCUSE me?

MAX
You heard me. You weren’t there when I talked to Gale’s parents after we found her in a coma. They’re a mess. They’re holding out hope for a miracle.

CASSIE
And what does that have to do with me?

MAX
I don’t want to have to tell Ren that her sister died being reckless. She would never forgive me, and she would never forgive herself. You both already lost your dad because of superpowers. Do you want her to lose you, too?

CASSIE
That won’t happen! My powers are—

MAX
Stop. Just, stop. I feel like I should have a bowl of salsa here to go with the giant chip on your shoulder.

CASSIE
Oh, wow, you’re SO funny.

BLUE
You’ve been waiting to say that for a while, haven’t you?

MAX
No… I just came up with it on the spot.

NOELLE
No way, you’ve been saving that.

MAX
It doesn’t matter when I thought it up, it’s still true!

CASSIE
I’d rather have guac than salsa, if we’re talking tortilla chips.

MAX
Damn it, so would I. You know how much I love avocados!

NOELLE
What are we even doing right now? Did you invite us here so you could fight with Cassie?

BLUE
Yeah, are we in trouble? Because I have a couple other promotions to record when we’re done.

MAX
(sigh) Coincidentally, promotions are exactly why you’re here.

BLUE
What are you talking about? Is Second Fiddles going to sponsor my HeroTube channel?

MAX
No, not that kind of promotion. (beat) Actually, wait, I’m doing this out of order.

NOELLE
Doing what out of order?

MAX
Everything! Okay, since this qualifies as a Second Fiddles meeting, you know what we have to do before we get to business, right?

CASSIE
If you say icebreakers, I’m going to jump out the window.

MAX
Ha! The windows in here don’t even open!

CASSIE
I hate you.

BLUE
So… icebreakers?

MAX
You know it!

NOELLE
I think you have an icebreaker addiction.

BLUE
Oooo, can this be an intervention?

MAX
Fine, how about only ONE icebreaker? Does that make it less revolting to you?

CASSIE
Only slightly.

MAX
Deal with it. Today’s icebreaker is… If you could be any animal, what would you be?

BLUE
That’s easy. I would clearly be a peacock. Blue, chic, luxurious, impressive tailfeathers…

CASSIE
Oh, that’s perfect for you!

MAX
Damn. It really is.

BLUE
Yeah, yeah, I’m the best, I get it.

NOELLE
(laughing) Am I next?

MAX
Yes, please!

NOELLE
I’m not sure if I should go with something that goes with the goth side of me, or if I should go Christmas-themed…

BLUE
What Christmas animals are there? Like reindeer?

NOELLE
Yeah, or like, I don’t know. Polar bears? Turtle doves?

CASSIE
A partridge in a pear tree?

MAX
A Christmas goose?

NOELLE
Yeah, uhh, I’ll just go with something gothy. If I could be any animal, I’d be… a snake. Like, a slow, chill snake. Not anything crazy like a pit viper or cobra.

MAX
Any specific reason?

NOELLE
Snakes have to relax and contract their muscles to move, and that’s like my powers, you know?

MAX
I mean, technically, nearly every animal on the planet has to use muscles to move…

NOELLE
You know what I mean, Max!

MAX
Sorry. Sorry!

NOELLE
I like that they’re cold blooded, too. They only spend the energy that they have to, and they have to get that energy from other sources. That sounds a lot like how my mind works.

CASSIE
I feel like a black cat or a spider would’ve made more sense.

NOELLE
Witchy and goth are not the same thing, Cassie. But there is a big overlap, though…

CASSIE
My bad.

MAX
Okay, I guess it’s my turn.  I would love to say a falcon, like Eloise, cuz that’s badass, or a deer, for obvious reasons, but I think I identify the most with… squirrels.

CASSIE
(laughing) Oh my god! Yes! You’re like a giant nervous squirrel!

NOELLE
I can totally see that.

BLUE
Does this mean you really like nuts?

MAX
(laughs) I am not answering that.

CASSIE
Ah, man, I’m the only one left, aren’t I?

MAX
Mmhmm.

CASSIE
Ummmm… I would be… hmm. I don’t know. What’s like the coolest, biggest predator? A tiger? Crocodile? Orca?

NOELLE
Cassie, that doesn’t really sound like you.

BLUE
Yeah, you're sarcastic and spontaneous, not aggressive.

MAX
You’re only aggressive when you’re talking back to your elders.

CASSIE
Oh, whatEVER. Fine, what would you say I am?

MAX
I don’t know! That’s not how the game works!

BLUE
I think you’d be a cat.

NOELLE
Oh, one hundred percent.

CASSIE
I’m not really a cat person. I love my dog, Giles!

MAX
Just because you don’t like cats doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be one. Actually, that sounds exactly like something a cat would say.

CASSIE
(sigh) Fine. I’m a cat. Today’s icebreaker was extra dumb.

MAX
Thank you all for humoring me.

BLUE
Now what were you saying about promotions? You can’t just bury the lede like that!

MAX
Oh, right. After discussing this with the rest of the team, we’d like to offer the three of you… a little bump in pay. And responsibility. And new titles.

CASSIE
Are you saying what I think you’re saying??

MAX
Yup! You’re all being promoted from “reserve member” to official hero status! You are full-fledged superheroes!

CASSIE
Finally!

MAX
I have to say, Cassie, before you get too full of yourself, your promotion was not unanimous. I didn’t think you were ready, but I was outvoted.

CASSIE
Ha! No surprise there. You’ve never believed in me.

MAX
It has nothing to do with that! I’m just… protective of you. For Ren’s sake, and for your own. We still don’t know the limitations of your powers, and I don’t want you to get hurt!

CASSIE
Oh, what, so you’re a jerk just because you CARE about me?

MAX
Damn it, yes! If something bad happened to you, I would never forgive myself!

CASSIE
You have a crappy way of showing it.

MAX
(sigh) You just don’t get it, you’re too young.

CASSIE
Why should my age matter?!

NOELLE
Cassie, it just… does. Max isn’t exactly wrong. When I was your age, I made a lot of terrible decisions. At the time, I thought I was being sensible, but in hindsight, I was a freaking idiot.

BLUE
Me too. I mean, my late teens are still on display on HeroTube. I’ve grown up a lot since then.

CASSIE
So you’re all against me being a superhero?

NOELLE
I didn’t say that!

BLUE
No, your powers are fire, and you obviously want to make a difference. I’m glad you’re getting promoted! You too, Noelle! I’m proud of you.

NOELLE
Thanks, Blue. I’ve waffled back and forth on wanting to be a hero for so long, I’m not sure if this is a dream come true, or something I’m going to regret…

MAX
Hey, Noelle, no regrets. You can quit whenever you want. There’s no obligation.

NOELLE
But, isn’t there? I’m one of less than a dozen powered people left on Earth. If I just stopped being a hero, that would make me an awful person.

MAX
Is that… what you want?

NOELLE
No. Not yet, anyway. I’ve actually been kind of loving it. And I can be a role model for young trans people in Rose City.

MAX
Great! But promise to tell me if you start second guessing things, okay?

NOELLE
Yes, I swear on everything Christmas.

MAX
Oooh, nice. Blue, what about you? You’re not exactly jumping for joy.

BLUE
Yeah. I don’t know how to tell you this, Max, but… I suck at being a superhero. Like, I suck SO hard.

MAX
No, you don’t! We all love you!

BLUE
Yeah, I’m obviously amazing, but my role on this team is more like… the mascot. I’m the funny, charming one with a colorful rump and loads of sex appeal.

MAX
Uhh, I thought Linus was the hot one.

CASSIE
Yeah. You’re super cute, but I wouldn’t say “sexy.”

BLUE
Lies! All lies! I’m a beautiful god damn peacock!

NOELLE
Blue, why do you think you’re a bad hero?

BLUE
Duh! I clearly SUCK at fighting. I can’t take a punch, or throw a punch, or do anything punch-related. My Eternity Gem powers are gone, just like Max’s, so I’m back to being a basic-ass influencer with a glorified night light for a butt.

MAX
Aww, Blue, that’s not true. Completely.

BLUE
My gift is bringing joy to others. I act like a fool to make people laugh. I expose parts of me to the world so that my fans understand that it’s okay to be weird, or to have problems, or be scared sometimes. Cheering up my Mooners is way better than beating up henchpeople. No offense.

MAX
None taken.

CASSIE
Does this mean you’re quitting the team?

BLUE
Hell, no! I ain’t going nowhere.

NOELLE
But… you’re turning down the promotion?

BLUE
No way! Getting promoted will bring even more awareness to my platform. And  I can do so much more good if people are paying attention to me.

MAX
Okay… So you’re saying you want to enjoy all the perks of being a superhero without actually doing any of the work?

BLUE
Yes! See? Max gets it!

MAX
Uhh, maybe we’ll circle back to this later.

BLUE
You guys do the crime fighting, and I’ll keep up the morale! I can help with missions, and stuff, obviously, if you need a decoy, or, like, you’re in a dark area and you don’t have a flashlight!

MAX
I guess it doesn’t hurt to have the citizens of Rose City on our side…

BLUE
Exactly!

NOELLE
Could you promise to leave me out of your videos, though? I don’t like the attention.

BLUE
Of course! I’ll try not to CRAMP your style? Eh, get it?

NOELLE
Oh, I get it all right. Very funny…

CASSIE
When you said we’re getting a pay bump, how much are we talking? Like, a different tax bracket?

MAX
Do you even know what that means?

CASSIE
Not really. My mom keeps complaining about having to do the taxes lately, so it made sense in my head.

MAX
Let me put it this way… With Gale still in a coma, Ren powerless and out of the business, and Chameleon… you know, evil and whatnot, their salaries were divided up and split amongst the rest of the team.

NOELLE
So you got a raise, too?

MAX
I mean, YES, but that’s not the point.

CASSIE
If we’re equal members of the team, do we make the same as you?

MAX
Not exactly… I was the leader of the reserve team, so I make a little more, and Tammy and Linus are the co-leaders, so they make even more than I do.

BLUE
You’re technically not in charge of us anymore, because if we’re promoted, there IS no reserve team.

CASSIE
Yeah. If anything, you should get a pay CUT.

MAX
Hey! Seniority matters!

NOELLE
And why do Linus and Tammy make more money? Linus is a billionaire, he doesn’t need it!

MAX
I don’t know! He does the heroics, he gets paid. That’s how it works!

CASSIE
Does this mean I finally qualify for hero health insurance?

MAX
Uhh, about that… With literally every other hero out of work, I don’t know if hero insurance is going to exist anymore. The city will be taking us on as government employees, technically…

BLUE
Whoa, so what about Fourth Wall and Sophia’s dad, Smasher, and everyone else forced into retirement? They get nothing?

MAX
Uhh, that’s a great question. I have no clue.

NOELLE
Yeah, that blows. They devoted their entire careers to saving lives, and now they’re just out of work and the government isn’t helping at all?

MAX
One step at a time, guys! I would rather cut my own arm off than talk about politics or the government, and that’s without my old regeneration powers.

CASSIE
I never realized how complicated this all was.

MAX
Hey, you want to be treated as an adult, right? Being a grown-up is messy, and frustrating, and honestly, I miss how naive I used to be.

CASSIE
Huh. I never thought about it like that. I just want to feel useful. And save people. If I’d had my powers when my Dad had his accident, maybe he’d still be alive, and…

MAX
Oh god, Cassie, you can’t think that way. There’s nothing you could have done. Is that why you want to be a hero so badly?

CASSIE
I never put it in words before, but… yeah, I think so. If I can prevent others from hurting like I do when I think about my dad, that’s what’s important. That’s why I wish I could control my powers better.

NOELLE
That’s a lot to put on your shoulders, Cassie. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. We’re here too.

BLUE
For real! I’ll always be here to help when you need it. Unless I’m filming something explicit for my HeroFans account. Then, ya gonna have to wait.

CASSIE
Eww, gross.

BLUE
Not gross! Sexy!

MAX
Now I feel like a garbage person for being so harsh before, Cassie. I mean, I still don’t like you jumping off of high things just to prove a point, but if you want to be a superhero, and you can make a difference, I shouldn’t stand in your way.

CASSIE
Really, Max?

MAX
Yeah. I hereby change my vote. Unofficially, anyway. I can’t go back in time and literally change the democratic process.

CASSIE
Uh, can’t you, though? We have a time machine now, right?

MAX
Huh. I guess I COULD, but we only use the time machine for really important stuff that we all agree on! Otherwise, it’s too dangerous.

NOELLE
What’s the plan with that, anyway? Now that we’ve all been promoted, can you read us in on the details?

MAX
Uhh, well, kinda. I don’t know a ton yet. Sophia and Ploonjer, of all people, are working together to make sure the tech is working before we come up with any plans. We’re not sure how far back to go, or what to do. We already agreed not to kill Rose as a baby, so we need to come up with a different strategy.

BLUE
Ughh, let’s not talk about work anymore! It’s so depressing! Besides, I have to make a couple more promos.

CASSIE
Oooh, can I help?

BLUE
I guess... The next one I have to do is for “Rose City House of Pancakes.”

CASSIE
Do you have a script already?

BLUE
Not really, I was just thinking of something like: “Do you love Blueberry pancakes? If you love MY two blue pancakes, use promocode BLUEMOON for any order through the mobile app to get a free blueberry pancake with any purchase greater than 9.99.

CASSIE
Hmm, it’s not bad, but we can come up with something better.

BLUE
I’m all ears!

NOELLE
Uhh, Max, I’m gonna go on patrol now, is that okay?

MAX
Of course! Actually, do you mind some company? I’ll tag along, in case you come across anyone dealing with a rabid animal, or a rodent infestation.

NOELLE
(laughs) Okay, sounds good.

BLUE
What if I pour maple syrup on my ass? Would that be too much?

MAX
Oh god, let’s just get out of here before he makes a mess.

NOELLE and CASSIE
(laughs)

MAX
And congratulations on the promotion, Noelle, you deserve it.

NOELLE
Thanks… I think.

FADE IN MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Blue Moon is voiced by Adam Donnelly, Cassie is voiced by Tatiana Reed, Noelle is voiced by Gwen Brown, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

To connect with us on social media, follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, and tumblr at Second Fiddles. We’re also on threads and blue sky! Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!