75 - Timing

SOPHIA
Today, on Second Fiddles: The A-league has a time machine in storage, but it hasn’t been used in many years. Tammy, Linus, and Parker are in the basement at HQ, looking through all of the items and artifacts in storage. Let’s see what they’re up to!

MAT
Episode 75: Timing

PARKER
Whoa! What are these big metal discs?

TAMMY
Those are clearly Captain Spangle’s old shields.

PARKER
Why are there so many?

LINUS
He needed backups. Have you ever thrown a large metal shield at someone?

PARKER
You know my answer is obviously no.

LINUS
They were effective for protection, but mediocre as weapons. He lost his shields all the time.

PARKER
Didn’t his shield bounce back after hitting someone so he could reuse it?

TAMMY
Are you serious? It’s a shield, not a BLEEPing boomerang. There’s no way in hell you could throw one of these and have it come right back, unless it’s magnetic, or attached to a hidden wire or something.

PARKER
Oh. That makes it less special.

LINUS
I think when Chameleon was Captain Spangle’s sidekick, a lot of what they did was chase after the shield and retrieve it. Hmm. I wonder if that’s why Chameleon played the dog in the Wizard of Oz parody a while back?

TAMMY
You know we don’t care about that, babe.

PARKER
Speak for yourself! Was I in it?

LINUS
No, sorry. Pretty much everyone was there except for you, Silver, Ren, and Cassie.

PARKER
Oh. It’s not like I would’ve really been there anyway.

LINUS
Exactly. It was just me, my mom, and our imaginations.

TAMMY
Powered by the Dream Gem.

LINUS
Yeah, and that.

PARKER
Without the Dream Gem, can you go back into the journal? Is your mom still okay?

LINUS
She’s still in there, if that’s what you mean.

PARKER
How does that work?

LINUS
Because the Dream Gem helped create the world inside the book, it’s thriving. My mom can’t use the gem to change things anymore, but there’s a ton to do and explore, and dozens of worlds with characters for her to interact with.

PARKER
Have you been in communication with her since the Slap?

LINUS
Yeah, I was actually just there visiting her a couple days ago.

PARKER
Did you go back to Oz?

LINUS
Not this time. I traveled into the world of Redwall, those Brian Jacques novels with all the talking animals? 

TAMMY
I avoided most reading when I was younger, so I don’t know what he’s talking about.

LINUS
I was a mouse, but like a handsome, jacked mouse. Max was a mouse too, but kinda tiny. Parker, you and Elijah were squirrels. Ploonjer was actually there too. He was a weasel.

TAMMY
What was I, again?

LINUS
You were a badger.

TAMMY
Huh. I can get behind that.

LINUS
We fought a bunch of rats and stuff, and when my mom, who was in the body of a talking mole, made us a feast, we all ate veggies and soup and candied fruit and stuff. It was fun.

PARKER
Your mom’s Bookworm powers really do slay. I’m kinda jealous.

TAMMY
Are you jealous of how she used them for too long, got stuck inside Linus’s journal, permanently lost her physical body, and now can never come back out?

PARKER
You know that’s not what I meant.

LINUS
I love how protective you are, babe, but you can leave him alone. He’s here to help.

TAMMY
That’s probably what he said before your sister died.

PARKER
You know what? You’re mean. You’re a bully!

TAMMY
Excuse me?

PARKER
You heard me! Why am I even part of this group anymore?! If Elijah isn’t shaming me for dating Ploonjer, Cassie is teasing me for only having “sticky fingers,” or one of you is constantly reminding me that I accidentally killed Sally when I was trying to save Ren’s life!

LINUS
Dude, chill out. She’s not a bully. She’s just a BLEEP.

TAMMY
Hey! Rethink your words very carefully, mister.

LINUS
Oh, right, sorry. I mean, she’s a sexy BLEEP.

TAMMY
Much better!

PARKER
You guys have the weirdest relationship. I love it, but it’s also kinda scary.

LINUS
Aww, he gets us!

TAMMY
Parker, I know I can be a giant BLEEP, like, all the time. That’s pretty much my status quo. I think I just miss beating up henchies, and I’m taking out all my pent up aggression on you.

PARKER
Was that a Tammy version of an apology?

TAMMY
I apologize all the time!

LINUS
Hey, if you’re pent up, I can think of a more productive way to expel some energy, if you catch my drift.

TAMMY
But what if we dent the wall again?

LINUS
It can’t be as bad as when we broke the window!

PARKER
I don’t need to hear about your rowdy sex life!

TAMMY
We’re not talking about sex.

LINUS
Yeah, we actually turned part of the north wing of the mansion into a batting cage.

TAMMY
I like to hit balls when I’m frustrated.

PARKER
Remind me to start wearing a cup.

LINUS
When I actually remember, I put up a forcefield so we don’t damage anything.

PARKER
What does baseball have to do with Tammy being mean to me?

LINUS
It doesn’t.

PARKER
Then why are we talking about it?

TAMMY
I have pent up aggression.

LINUS
Oh, right.

TAMMY
I don’t mean to pick on you, Parker, but it’s just so… easy. You’ve made some questionable choices lately.

PARKER
I can handle the love triangle backlash, and the “falling for an alien” stuff, but the Sally… incident— that really messed me up. I finally started therapy a couple weeks ago.

LINUS
I… didn’t know. I’m sorry.

PARKER
You have every reason to hold a grudge, and never forgive me, and that’s okay, but I’m in the process of trying to forgive myself.

TAMMY
Maybe we should try to move on from low-brow humor to something a little more sophisticated.

LINUS
But, without dick jokes, mean comments, and terrible puns, who even are we?

TAMMY
Damn. I don’t know!

PARKER
You don’t need to change everything, just know that I’m dealing with my own trauma from that night, and it’s really tough to be constantly reminded of it. How do you think I feel every time I see Silver? Seeing her face is triggering for me.

LINUS
I’m sorry, Parker. I never really thought about how that whole thing affected you.

TAMMY
I’m sorry too. I’ll try to do better.

PARKER
Thank you.

TAMMY
See! I apologize sometimes! In your face!

LINUS
Babe, an apology loses some validity if you say it to prove a point.

TAMMY
Whatever. I said it. Doesn’t matter why or how.

LINUS
Doesn’t it, though?

PARKER
Maybe we should get back to looking for the time machine. Does that sound like a plan?

TAMMY
It’s right behind you, Parker.

PARKER
Seriously?!

LINUS
Didn’t the big “Beware: Time Machine” sign on the door give it away?

PARKER
I didn’t see it! I was distracted by the shiny Spangle shields.

LINUS
It’s kinda dusty. And it looks like a Delorean, but without any wheels. Like a little space ship!

PARKER
Holy moly! I can’t believe we have a flippin’ time machine!

TAMMY
Parker, you’re way too excited about this.

PARKER
And you’re not excited enough!

LINUS
Tammy, you have to admit, it’s pretty cool.

TAMMY
Yeah, babe, but you know I’m better at masking my excitement. If I get all giddy, it’ll counteract my bad-ass mystique.

LINUS
Hmm. I wonder if there are instructions anywhere.

PARKER
This is alien tech, right? That’s what Sophia said?

LINUS
Yeah, it’s from the same race of beings who created our spaceship that jumps through wormholes.

TAMMY
I think Bionic Brian was the only hero who really knew how it worked, but he was killed by the Kromins. Maybe he passed on his knowledge to his android sidekick, Bionic Billy?

LINUS
Nah. Sophia said that Billy never downloaded information directly from Brian. He wanted to learn organically.

PARKER
Why don’t we just ask the guy who built Bionic Brian?

LINUS
Oh, I guess we could. DevilBat lost his powers, but he’s still a billionaire, and a tech genius, which is honestly more powerful than echolocation anyway.

TAMMY
Elijah told me that DevilBat said Bionic Brian was way smarter than him, because his AI kept learning after he was built. That’s why his robot butler, Alfredo, isn’t able to learn, because it’s too dangerous. Bionic Brian and Billy at least became superheroes, but imagine what would happen if they got power-hungry and tried to take over the world?

PARKER
That sounds like the plot of Avengers: Age of Ultron.

LINUS
We’re derivative, but at least we’re not copying that storyline.

TAMMY
It wouldn’t hurt to reach out to DevilBat. Should we ask Silver to reach out? Or maybe Elijah, as the Beacon?

LINUS
I can call Silver. I think she’s actually with him right now.

PARKER
Wait a minute. This time machine is built like a ship, right? It looks like it needs an operator.

LINUS
Yeah, I think someone needs to pilot it.

PARKER
This might be a longshot, but I DO know a pilot with knowledge of advanced alien technology.

TAMMY
Oh, god, please don’t say Ploonjer.

PARKER
It’s Ploonjer! He was a pilot before he became a general. That’s how he escaped the attack on his people by the Threat. He might be able to help!

TAMMY
But WILL he help?

PARKER
I think so! He’s kinda bored being a stay-at-home parent with Baby Stevie right now. He would probably love a distraction.

TAMMY
Did you say “parent?”

PARKER
We’ve been taking care of Stevie together since Chameleon went fully Kromin. We’re pretty good at co–parenting a shapeshifting baby. I can follow them onto the walls or ceilings if they grow wings or suction cups or whatever, and Ploonjer is trying to teach them more about being Kromin.

TAMMY
Huh. Sounds like a sitcom.

LINUS
Okay, so you talk to Ploonjer, find out what he knows about this tech, and I’ll reach out to Silver to ask DevilBat.

PARKER
I can do that.

TAMMY
What about me? What can I do?

LINUS
I don’t know. Keep on being sexy, and try not to sneeze near the time machine?

TAMMY
I can only promise one of those things, and it’s not the sneezing.

LINUS
Great. Let’s get to it!

SFX: STINGER TRANSITION

LINUS
(over phone) See what you can find out, and call me back!

SILVER
Okay, I’ll check, I promise!

LINUS
(over phone) Thanks, Sil! Love you!

SILVER
Love you, Liney!

SILVER
Sorry about that, Wayne, it was my brother.

DB
Yeah, Silver, I know. You were talking on speaker. Three feet away from me.

SILVER
Oh, right! Can you help him?

DB
I could try, but without Bionic Brian’s processing capabilities, and the years he spent building and growing his abilities, I don’t know how we would get that time machine working safely.

SILVER
Could you, like, program Bionic Billy to figure it out?

DB
I wish, but he’s very independent. He installed all sorts of safeguards after Brian once tried to alter his programming. I think I made them too smart.

SILVER
Bionic Billy has free will, right? Artificially, at least?

DB
Yeah. But there’s nothing artificial about it. Free will is free will, no matter how you get there.

SILVER
Huh. I remember that time I was captured and enslaved by that giant alien worm guy who made me dress in a skimpy outfit. I didn’t have any free will, and he chained me up. It was awful.

DB
Are you talking about Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi?

SILVER
I don’t know who that is. This bad guy’s name was Java the Butt. He looked like a giant slithering pile of butt cheeks, and he drank a lot of coffee.

DB
Oh! You’ve never seen Star Wars?

SILVER
I’m sure I have, but probably only once.

DB
Do you at least remember Darth Vader? Or Han Solo and Chewbacca?

SILVER
Is Chewbacca the big hairy one?

DB
Yes!

SILVER
Yay! He reminded me of these two brothers I knew years ago. They went by the names “the Abominable Blow Man” and “Pig Foot.”

DB
Were they hairy yeti-like creatures?

SILVER
Exactly! Pig Foot had a really intense foot fetish, and the Abominable Blow man’s fur was always white from all the coke he snorted! I haven’t seen them since the intervention.

DB
Did the Abominable Blow Man go to rehab for his cocaine habit?

SILVER
Oh, no, Pig Foot was a meth head.

DB
Oh… Okay.

SILVER
Those times were wild! Literally. Because I was living in the woods with a group of powered people who didn’t fit in with normal society. They called themselves the Quirks.

DB
I love hearing your stories. I wish I could travel and experience the world like you have. I actually haven’t left Rose City since I took up my quest for vengeance.

SILVER
Right, right, right… Criminals need to “atone for their sins.”

DB
Don’t you mean… BATone for their sins?

SILVER
Cute. Really, you should take a trip with me! You lost your powers, and the A and B leagues have been temporarily disbanded, so we should just go and do everything we can while we have the chance!

DB
Before we talk about that, and before I lose the nerve, I wanted to let you know I made a… big decision. And I want you to be the first one that I tell.

SILVER
Uh oh. Is this good or bad?

DB
Good. Definitely good. I… I’m going to finally tell the world my secret.

SILVER
Holy cow! You’re going to come out of… the cave? Reveal your secret identity!?

DB
Huh? No! No. Not that!

SILVER
Oh. Then what are you talking about?

DB
I’ve been hiding my degenerating vision from the world. I wear these tinted glasses in public, I always have a random woman on my arm to guide me, but… enough is enough.

SILVER
Great! I won’t miss you clinging to those generic hotties.

DB
I… I didn’t want people to think I was weak. The business world is cutthroat, and I wanted to seem powerful, but aloof. All the world sees is a walking, talking facade.

SILVER
And you don’t feel weak anymore?

DB
My sight was always connected to my powers, so I hid that part of me. It was connected to my life as… DevilBat. Since I lost my powers during the Slap, and my vision didn’t improve, my relationship with my condition has… evolved.

SILVER
Aww, even a gruff, vengeful billionaire can grow as a person!

DB
It’s thanks to you, Silver. You’ve really broken down my walls.

SILVER
Wayne…

DB
And there’s more. When I tell the world about me, I’ll also be announcing the new foundation I’m starting. It’ll be devoted to raising money to support children with visual impairments in Rose City. I’m calling it… Silver Linings.

SILVER
That’s amazing! I don’t even know what to say.

DB
You don’t need to say anything. I’m just glad I’ll be able to turn something I thought was a weakness into a strength. Something to build up others and improve their lives.

SILVER
I’m so proud of you. Seriously. That’s gonna mean so much to so many people.

DB
I don’t know why I waited this long. I think I was scared of letting people know the real me. Well, the version of the real me that I’m willing to share with the public.

SILVER
Yeah, I get it. It’s complicated. Well, philanthropy looks good on you!

DB
(laughs) Thanks.

SILVER
Hey! We should celebrate with a vacation!

DB
Are you suggesting I take a… sabBATical?

SILVER
Yes!

DB
But… with my tech, and gadgets, and my DevilBat suit, I’m still able to fight the bad guys. Criminals don’t take breaks, so neither should I.

SILVER
But there are no more superpowered bad guys! They’re all just normal humans. The police and the Second Fiddles can handle them.

DB
But aren’t you one of the Second Fiddles? How can you just up and go when they need you?

SILVER
I wouldn’t be going forever, just for a quick jaunt to South America or whatever! Haven’t you ever wanted to see Machu Picchu?

DB
You know very well that I wouldn’t be able to see much if we went there.

SILVER
Uh, sorry, bad choice of words. I didn’t mean literally see, I meant… There are so many things that we can… do together. Experience the world!

DB
Silver… you’re one of the only powered heroes left. Don’t you think it’s your obligation to do everything you can to make the world a better place?

SILVER
No, I don’t! What about my free will? If everyone expects all of this from me, do I get a choice?

DB
You’re invulnerable. You said Rose couldn’t even hurt you with the Power Gem. You’re strong, and special, and the world is lucky to have you in it!

SILVER
Lucky? This has nothing to do with luck.

DB
But that’s who you are! That’s the silver lining in learning about your powers— You can use them to protect your new family, and protect your home. You can save the planet!

SILVER
That’s too much responsibility! It’s too much for me, let alone you and the Second Fiddles.

DB
Are you saying you don’t want to go back in time to thwart Rose’s plans? You don’t want me to get my powers back?

SILVER
Why would you even want them back?? Your powers were slowly blinding you! Sure, you can fight criminals or whatever, but is it worth it?

DB
Yes! Of course it’s worth it.

SILVER
Not to me. If it weren’t for my brother…

DB
What? If he didn’t need your help, you would… leave?

SILVER
I don’t know! This is too much pressure! I can’t think clearly.

DB
Silver, I care about you. A lot. I’m here for you if you want to confide.

SILVER
No! This is why I wanted to keep things casual, Wayne. I can’t let my feelings for you affect my judgment. I need to put my own happiness above others. After everything I’ve been through, I… I…

DB
I get it. I’m not trying to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. I promise.

SILVER
It doesn’t work that way. I know how you feel about being a hero. That’s not gonna change overnight. It’s part of who you are. You put others before you, even strangers. You always have, and you always will.

DB
What are you saying…?

SILVER
I’m not leaving Rose City— at least, not yet, but… I don’t think I should keep seeing you.

DB
Silver, I… I…

SILVER
We’re great together, but… the timing isn’t right.

DB
I understand. As a superhero, I’ve never been able to be myself with someone. At least, not until you.

SILVER
You’ve never had a girlfriend before?

DB
No. I mean, yes, I have, but never one who knew both parts of me.

SILVER
Your lifestyle doesn’t really make dating easy, does it?

DB
That would be an understatement.

SILVER
Maybe… we could still be friends?

DB
In our line of work, friends are few and far between, so I’ll take what I can get.

SILVER
Don’t you mean, “friends are few and far BATween?”

DB
Damn, that was good.

SILVER
I know, I’m like, pretty clever.

DB
You are very clever. And beautiful.

SILVER
And you’re my handsome Devil… Bat.

DB
Is there anything I can say to change your mind?

SILVER
Nope. Free will, remember?

DB
Free will. Yeah. Silver… Tell your brother I can’t help him.

SILVER
Is this because I’m breaking up with you?

DB
No, it’s because I really don’t know how to help. I’m a whiz with human technology, but alien time travel is beyond my capabilities.

SILVER
Oh. Okay. I’ll let him know. I think I should go now.

DB
I’m sorry.

SILVER
Don’t be sorry! You have nothing to apologize for.

DB
If the Second Fiddles need anything, and I mean anything— Weapons, tech, money— Let me know, and I’ll do whatever I can.

SILVER
And… if I need you?

DB
Then you know where to find me. Here, in the Detail. Because…

SILVER
The Devil’s in the Detail.

DB
Exactly. Silver, even though you learned your power isn’t good luck, meeting you was the luckiest thing that ever happened to me.

SILVER
You… You have no idea what that means to me. Seriously. I’m gonna go meet up with Linus now. I’ll see myself out.

DB
Okay.

SILVER
Wayne, I…

DB
You don’t need to say anything.

SILVER
Bye, Wayne. Thank you… For everything.

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, Parker is voiced by Greg M, Silver is voiced by Jenny Gibson, Wayne is voiced by Chris Johnson, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

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