Second Fiddles
Second Fiddles is an audio dramedy about a superhero sidekick support group. Join Buck and his punny powered pals as they try to make a difference in Rose City!
Second Fiddles
Episode 74 — Aftermath
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Max checks in with Elijah and Sophia at HQ. We learn what Rose City is like in the aftermath of the Slap.
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74 - Aftermath
SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles:
Rose was able to collect all six Eternity Gems, culminating in what the world is now referring to as “The Slap.” Using the ancient powers of the universe to change all of reality and grant her ultimate wish, Rose was able to remove the abilities of every superpowered human on the planet. In a last ditch effort to save her friends, Cassie, the hero known as Deus Ex Machina, protected her teammates from the effects of The Slap. The Second Fiddles are now the only powered humans left on the planet! We pick up 3 weeks later.
MAT
Episode 74: Aftermath
ELIJAH
Hey, Sophia, take a look at the monitors.
SOPHIA
What am I supposed to be seeing, Elijah? There doesn’t appear to be anything happening.
ELIJAH
Exactly! I thought the Beacon system was broken, but it’s just really slow out there.
ASS
I am SO bored! I wish someone would blow up a train, or electrify a swimming pool, or… something! I’m wasting away here!
SOPHIA
A.S.S., you don’t have a body to waste away.
ASS
Who asked you, smarty pants?
SOPHIA
Oh! She didn’t swear at me! Did you have her reprogrammed?
ELIJAH
Yeah. Linus’s cousin April did some tinkering and made it so her curse words are replaced with… happier things.
SOPHIA
That it delightful!
ELIJAH
It is refreshing. I don’t disagree with her, though. Being the Beacon is kind of boring with only a handful of powered people left.
ASS
You’re tellin’ me, you sexy slice of gingerbread.
ELIJAH
Please don’t call me that, ASS.
ASS
Whatever. I’m gonna hit snooze. Bye!
ELIJAH
Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a normal level of crime out there, but the police are handling it. When the criminals and henchies had powers, the police were almost useless, but now that they can actually make a difference, it’s a whole new ballgame.
SOPHIA
To maintain the baseball analogy, the Second Fiddles and the RCPD have really been “hitting it out of the park” these last few weeks. Perhaps the police are more willing to put themselves out there when they’re not facing people who might spit acid, or have arms made of lava, or who can embowel people.
ELIJAH
What was that last one?
SOPHIA
Embowel people.
ELIJAH
Did you mean “DISembowel” people?
SOPHIA
If that’s what I meant, I would have said it.
ELIJAH
Right. Of course. But… Huh.
SOPHIA
There was a henchman named Gutpunch. He had the ability to strike someone in the stomach and instantly embowel them.
ELIJAH
Is embowel a word like “regardless?” You know, like how regardless and irregardless actually mean the same thing?
SOPHIA
Sometimes, yes, but I’m using an alternative, obsolete definition, which is “to bury or embed deeply.”
ELIJAH
Uhh, okay. What did Gutpunch “embed deeply?” His fist? Like, when he was punching people?
SOPHIA
No, he created additional intestines within someone’s existing digestive tract. He would embowel people, as in, the opposite of disembowel. Unsurprisingly, there’s no word in any dictionary for inserting viscera into someone else’s body.
ELIJAH
I… I don’t even know what to say.
SFX: DOOR OPEN
MAX
Hey, boo! Hey, Sophia!
SOPHIA
Max! What a treat!
MAX
What were you talking about? Anything juicy?
SOPHIA
Not unless you’re familiar with the former henchman “Gutpunch.”
MAX
Oh! The guy who can punch extra guts into your body? I remember him! Yeah, I guess that literally qualifies as… juicy. Ew.
ELIJAH
That is so disgusting.
MAX
Hey, if we can’t figure out how to reverse what Rose did, you’ll never have to worry about gross henchie powers ever again!
ELIJAH
I suppose.
SOPHIA
Max, did you just come from seeing your falcon companion Eloise?
MAX
Uhh, yeah! How’d you know?
SOPHIA
You have a piece of down stuck to your shirt.
MAX
Ah. Your observational skills and powers of deduction are impressive as always, Sophia.
SOPHIA
I am aware. How is Eloise doing?
MAX
She’s fine! We hung out in the park. She preened my hair for a bit, and we just kind of laid out in the sun and enjoyed ourselves. I can’t remember the last time I was able to fully relax like this.
SOPHIA
I suppose it’s another perk of supervillains being rendered powerless by “the Slap.”
MAX
Yeah. I’m still coming to terms with how things played out for me.
SOPHIA
Ah, you mean losing the Spirit Gem powers that the Stag gave you.
MAX
I don’t care about the laser vision, but I do miss the safety net of being able to regenerate. I have to be way more careful now.
ELIJAH
At least you’re not smashing your antlers into door frames anymore, and you can finally sleep in our bed the normal way.
MAX
At least for now. They’re clearly starting to grow back, so I don’t how much longer I won’t be a hazard to be around.
SOPHIA
Yes, I was going to ask about that. I can see that you have new antlers growing in, but I was curious if you’ve discussed them with a medical professional?
ELIJAH
We really do need to get you to a veterinarian, Max.
MAX
Oh, ha ha. Yeah, I checked in with Doc Healy yesterday. Even though he lost his x-ray vision powers, he’s still the best doctor we have for powered people.
ELIJAH
The few of us left, anyway…
SOPHIA
What did he say?
MAX
Well, these new antlers are just fuzzy little nubbins right now, and they’re really, really sensitive. They don’t hurt, but until they’re done growing, I need to be careful.
SOPHIA
The velvet does look quite soft.
ELIJAH
Oh, it is! Max lets me touch them.
MAX
Hey! That’s private!
ELIJAH
(laughs)
MAX
I’m dreading when they’re done growing, though. Once the velvet dries out, I’m gonna get super itchy and have to rub it all off. And, without my healing powers, the weight of them, and how I carry myself, might really mess up my neck and back.
SOPHIA
That… stinks. I am sorry.
MAX
Eh, let’s just wait and see. Worse case, I can trim them, or cut them down now, because they won’t regenerate, so they don’t need to be quite as huge as before.
SOPHIA
I was honestly surprised when they started growing back, considering how you lost the Spirit Gem powers previously associated with them.
MAX
Doc Healy says that they’re just part of my physiology now. I should shed them later on and then regrow them every year.
ELIJAH
Oooh! Maybe we can throw an annual antler shedding party when they fall off!
MAX
Yes! I love that! And we can make decorations out of them!
ELIJAH
(laughs) After a few years, our place will start to look like a hunting lodge.
MAX
We’ll have to put up a sign that says “no deer were harmed in the making of this decor.”
SOPHIA
It’s nice to see you two happy.
MAX
Hey, you’re just seeing us on a good day. Last week, we argued for an hour about how to organize the food in the refrigerator.
ELIJAH
We eventually agreed to just split the fridge in half and not judge how the other person stores stuff.
MAX
Well, not judge OUT LOUD. I still hate how you refrigerate the backups of things we haven’t opened yet. They say refrigerate AFTER opening, not BEFORE. We have a pantry for a reason!
ELIJAH
This is coming from someone who keeps two bottles of ketchup in there at all times because you’re too paranoid you might run low.
MAX
Ketchup needs to be served cold! You know it’s my favorite food.
ELIJAH
It’s not a food, it’s a condiment!
MAX
But I put it on everything!
ELIJAH
(laugh) No, you don’t! Not ice cream!
MAX
(laughs) You KNOW I’m going to try that tonight, just to prove a point.
ELIJAH
Of course you are.
SOPHIA
Maybe I spoke too soon.
MAX
No, you’re right. We’re pretty happy.
ELIJAH
Yeah, it’s so refreshing to argue about something mundane, like groceries. We’re not dealing with villains trying to flood the city, or build an army of superpowered babies.
SOPHIA
I’m glad that the two of you can find some joy amongst all the chaos we’re entrenched in.
MAX
Me too.
ELIJAH
Sophia, do you have any updates on the search for Rose?
SOPHIA
Nothing yet. Since the Slap, it’s as if she never existed.
MAX
If only we could be so lucky.
ELIJAH
Hopefully she’ll surface soon.
SOPHIA
She flew under the radar for hundreds of years. If she doesn’t want to be found, there may be nothing we can do about it.
ELIJAH
(sigh) I guess you’re right.
MAX
Good riddins, I say!
SOPHIA
Max, did you just say “good RIDDINS?”
MAX
Yeeaaah…?
SOPHIA
Did you mean “good RIDDANCE?”
MAX
Oh, come on, Sophia! Can’t you ever just let me live in ignorance?
ELIJAH
Oh god, this is “intensive purposes” all over again.
SOPHIA
I feel that it is my duty to correct you when you confuse common expressions.
MAX
Hey, at least I’ve always known how to pronounce espresso.
SOPHIA
Good thing, too. If you ever said EXpresso, I would have to reconsider our friendship.
MAX
(laughing) You’re such a grammar BLEEP sometimes, but in the best possible way.
SOPHIA
Knowing your limited vocabulary, I will reluctantly take that as a compliment.
MAX
You love it.
ELIJAH
Max hates being wrong, so now he’s going to come up with 75 different reasons to use “good riddance” over the next few days, just to prove he’s saying it the right way.
SOPHIA
It’s exactly how he was with “nip in the bud.”
MAX
We’ve been over this! I said “nip it in the BUTT” because we were talking about Blue Moon! That one was on purpose.
ELIJAH
No one believes you.
SOPHIA
You could hold Elijah’s hands and settle it once and for all with his truth powers.
MAX
Hey, Sophia, have you heard from Chameleon?
ELIJAH
Heh. Nice deflection, hun.
MAX
I was thinking it was more of a thoughtful redirection, but… thank you!
SOPHIA
No, Chameleon is also unaccounted for.
MAX
That sucks. At least Ploonjer and Parker are looking after Baby Stevie. They’re turning into a cute, happy little family!
ELIJAH
No comment.
SOPHIA
Yes, I’m happy Stevie is safe.
MAX
Do you think Cam is in hiding?
SOPHIA
If Chameleon is going out in public, they’re shapeshifting to avoid the facial-recognition software that the Beacon system uses with Rose City CCTV.
ELIJAH
Yeah, it hasn’t pinged anything yet. We have it scanning for Gale’s face, too, in case they’re still masquerading in her body.
MAX
Ugh. Thanks for bringing up Gale. I really need to go visit her again later today.
ELIJAH
I know. I wish there was something we could do. No one I know has ever been in a coma before.
SOPHIA
Except for me, of course. I stopped by yesterday to check on her. When I arrived, Linus was already there. He was sitting by her bed, reading her a fantasy novel, and he’d brought some freshly cut flowers from Tammy’s garden.
ELIJAH
Aww, that’s sweet.
MAX
Yeah, other than Gale’s parents, Linus has taken it the hardest. Probably because he’s known Gale for a long time.
ELIJAH
Oh, right, he was her mentor at Rose Academy.
MAX
Eh, less of a mentor, and more of a… big brother.
SOPHIA
Just because I never forget anything, it doesn’t mean I’m not capable of forgiveness. But, with what Chameleon did to Gale, I don’t know if I could ever forgive them.
MAX
Yeah, me too.
ELIJAH
You’ve all apparently forgiven Ploonjer for everything he’s done, including having his lackeys torture me, so who knows?
MAX
Baby, we’ve been over this. We haven’t forgiven him, but he’s proven that he’s not loyal to Cam anymore.
SOPHIA
Yes, giving him some allowances is different from forgiveness. I do not believe he is dangerous. At least, not right now.
ELIJAH
Yeah, yeah, I know.
MAX
If you haven’t noticed, Elijah’s still extremely bitter about the whole… situation.
ELIJAH
Excuse me?
MAX
As he should be! As you should be!
ELIJAH
Mmhmm.
SOPHIA
It might interest you to know that when I saw Linus in Gale’s hospital room, we discussed our… potential course of action.
MAX
Pertaining to what? Gale?
SOPHIA
No, to remedying the entire Eternity Gem Slap situation.
MAX
Ah.
ELIJAH
Did you decide anything?
SOPHIA
Yes. Linus is going to go check on the time machine in storage at HQ tomorrow. His cousin April, the tech whiz, may be able to fix it in case it’s not functioning properly. April, or… Ploonjer.
ELIJAH
Time travel freaks me out. I would be too afraid of changing things.
MAX
The butterfly effect sounds like a giant pain in the ass.
SOPHIA
Elijah, the goal IS to change things— To prevent Rose from ever gathering the Eternity Gems or accomplishing the Slap.
MAX
I’m just thinking out loud here…
SOPHIA
Which is normal for you.
MAX
Yeah. Okay. So, what if we go back in time to when Rose was a baby and, I don’t know. Eliminate her?
ELIJAH
That wouldn’t work. She said she was born with her powers.
MAX
Oh. What if we brought a power dampener?
ELIJAH
If it was ever removed from her body, she would probably still regenerate.
MAX
Dammit, you’re right.
SOPHIA
Also, you’re forgetting the fact that WE DO NOT KILL BABIES!
MAX
I SAID I was thinking out loud, not that it was a good idea!
SOPHIA
Using time travel to go back and kill baby Hitler has been discussed for decades, but no one has ever actually attempted it. If something went wrong, it could make things even worse. Sometimes it’s best to just learn from the past.
MAX
Yeah, we wouldn’t want to BLEEP where we eat.
SOPHIA
Must I point out your incorrect usage of that crass idiom?
ELIJAH
Seriously. How is changing the past like pooping?
SOPHIA
And what are you eating in this metaphor? The present?
MAX
Nevermind, okay? Never BLEEPing mind.
ELIJAH
Aww, I’ll make it up to you later. After we patrol the city, let’s have a date night.
MAX
Is that a promise?
ELIJAH
Of course.
SOPHIA
You two are too cute for your own good.
ELIJAH
I know, right?
MAX
Hey, Sophia, should our couple name be Malijah or Elax?
SOPHIA
Is “neither” a choice?
ASS
Hey, Beacon boy, Noelle is on the line for you!
ELIJAH
Oh! Okay. Patch her through.
ASS
Whatever.
NOELLE
Beacon, this is Crampus. Do you copy?
ELIJAH
Beacon here. What’s up?
NOELLE
I know it’s taken forever, but I finally caught the Yeastmaster!
ELIJAH
That’s great! Were there any… complications?
NOELLE
Not really. Without her powers, she’s not much of a threat. She still tried to kill me, but I cramped her up so badly, I turned her into one big muscle knot. I have her in restraints.
ELIJAH
Perfect. I just sent a notification to the RCPD to go to your location. They should be there soon.
NOELLE
Thanks! I… I feel like Lucid Lucy would’ve been proud of me.
ELIJAH
That, or she’d be rambling on about something like how there’s no crayon color that perfectly matches her blood.
NOELLE
Or she’d be complaining about how much she hates her sidekick.
ELIJAH
Yeah, she didn’t like you nearly as much as Ren.
NOELLE
I kinda miss her, you know. Especially considering how it all ended. I mean, I can never repay her. She gave up her life to save me.
ELIJAH
I know. She was a true hero when it counted.
NOELLE
Thanks for the help. Do you need anything else from me?
SOPHIA
Hello, Crampus. Recall here.
NOELLE
Hey, Recall.
SOPHIA
Would I be able to join you and the police? We still don’t know where the Yeastmaster buried the remains of her victims.
NOELLE
Please! Your interrogation skills would come in handy.
SOPHIA
Wonderful. If we can’t get the information we need, we may resort to having the Beacon use his powers to force the truth out of her, but let’s try traditional tactics first.
NOELLE
10-4. I’ll see you soon! Crampus out.
MAX
Well, that’s great! That serial killer baker lady’s been on the run for what feels like YEARS.
SOPHIA
That is correct. It’s been so long, I fear the listeners may have completely forgotten about that loose thread from two seasons ago.
ELIJAH
Thanks for volunteering to help, Sophia. But, like you said, if you really need me, I’ll help out.
SOPHIA
You two focus on your date night tonight. I’ll be fine.
MAX
Thank you!
SOPHIA
It was nice to see you both.
ELIJAH
You, too!
SOPHIA
Goodbye, Max. Goodbye, Elijah.
MAX
Bye!
ELIJAH
Well, that’s a relief about the Yeastmaster.
MAX
Seriously.
ELIJAH
I… kinda feel bad for Noelle.
MAX
What for?
ELIJAH
She wasn’t sure about being a hero anymore. She was taking classes to become a massage therapist, remember?
MAX
Oh. Yeah. And now that she’s one of the only powered people left on the planet…
ELIJAH
She feels obligated to keep up the superhero act.
MAX
Even if it’s not what she wanted, she’s doing a great job. She’s mastered her powers, she’s not too headstrong, and everyone likes working with her.
ELIJAH
Yeah, but…
MAX
I know, it sucks to not really have a choice.
ELIJAH
Yeah.
MAX
If we… go back in time, just to be completely hypothetical, and Rose was… taken out of the equation…
ELIJAH
You mean murdered as a baby?
MAX
Yeah. That. If she’s not in the picture, what happens?
ELIJAH
What do you mean? She doesn’t gather all the Eternity Gems, and the Slap never happens.
MAX
It would restore all the superpowers, but what about Rose City?
ELIJAH
Oh! I didn’t think of that. She founded the city!
MAX
Would it not exist anymore? Maybe someone else would have settled this area, because of the waterways, but it might be totally different.
ELIJAH
Holy crap, you’re right!
MAX
If that happens, maybe none of us would even be born, you know? Except for Ren and Cassie, maybe, because they moved here, and the aliens, duh, but everyone else is from Rose City!
ELIJAH
That would mean that we’d have never met.
MAX
Damn! We’re gonna have to be really careful.
ELIJAH
Time travel is scary.
MAX
Yeah. We can’t create a world that doesn’t have you in it. You’re like, literally the best thing to exist other than… other than… ketchup.
ELIJAH
Really? That’s what you’re going with? Ketchup?
MAX
Sorry, I’m hungry!
ELIJAH
Okay. You can head home if you want. After Sophia and Noelle are done with the Yeastmaster, it doesn’t look like anything else is happening out there. It’s a quiet night. I can wrap up in a bit and meet you later?
MAX
No way! I’m staying until you’re done. What if a last minute emergency pops up with an unruly gaze of raccoons?
ELIJAH
Unruly gaze?
MAX
A group of raccoons is called a gaze.
ELIJAH
How long have you been waiting to use that in conversation?
MAX
Oh my god, like 3 years.
ELIJAH
Well, let’s hope the only unruly gays out there tonight are us!
MAX
(laughs)
ELIJAH
Maybe not unruly. We’re not going clubbing or drinking or anything.
MAX
I appreciate the word play.
ELIJAH
Max, I’m… really happy I’m in a timeline where you exist.
MAX
Meeee too. I could do without so many things in the world right now, but you’re not one of them.
ELIJAH
I love you.
MAX
I love you too, Elijah.
ELIJAH
But… not as much as ketchup?
MAX
You’re never going to let that go, are you?
ELIJAH
(laughing) Nope!
MAX
I was joking!
ELIJAH
Doesn’t matter!
MAX
I was kidding before when I said I was gonna try ketchup on ice cream, but now, it’s totally happening!
ELIJAH
Oh, barf!
MAX
Oooh, and I’ll make sure to kiss you with tomato-y
ice cream breath!
ELIJAH
(fake gagging sounds)
MAX/ELIJAH
(Both laugh, ending in sighs)
MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Elijah is voiced by Nick B, ASS is voiced by Jenny Gibson, Noelle is voiced by Gwen Brown, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.
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