71 - Spirit

Fourth Wall
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Chameleon used a power dampener on Recall, effectively wiping her memory. Until someone can restore her superpowers, she’s useless, so you’re stuck with me, Fourth Wall, as your narrator. I know, I’m not as compelling as my evil twin, MacGuffin, and not as quirky as Recall, but you’ll just have to deal with it. When we last heard from Max, he and Elijah were taken by Ploonjer. Now, we’re joining back up with Max, to see how he’s doing in captivity. Okay, let’s get on with it.

MAT
Episode  71: Spirit

MAX
(groan) What—what happened? Where— Elijah? Are you here? Elijah?!

TAMMY
(heavily muffled)
Max! Max, I’m right here! Help me!

MAX
What? Oh! Tammy! Tammy, you’re okay!

TAMMY
(muffled)
Not that okay! They put a muzzle on me!

MAX
I can’t understand what you’re saying! They literally put a muzzle on you.

TAMMY
(muffled)
That’s what I fucking said! Argh!

MAX
Calm down, okay? I need to figure out where we are. I think we’re in a dormitory or something. You’re strapped onto a bed, and your restraints are locked.

TAMMY
(muffled)
No, duh.

MAX
There’s a broken power dampener on the ground, too. My memory’s fuzzy, but I think someone put it around my neck before I blacked out. Was I sedated?

TAMMY
(muffled)
Ploonjer did it! He tried to help you!

MAX
There’s a third bed, and… Gale! Gale’s here too!

GALE
Max? Are you actually here? Is this… real?

MAX
Yes! Oh my god, are you okay?

Gale
I can barely move…

MAX
Let me try to open these restraints!

GALE
Wait! Don’t touch me!

MAX
Why? Are you hurt? I promise, I’ll be careful.

GALE
No!

MAX
I… I… I can read your thoughts!

GALE
Damn it! You got too close!

MAX
Oh my god, CHAMELEON? Why do you look like Gale?!

GALE
You’re ruining all my fun!

SFX: SHAPESHIFTING SQUISH

CAM
I really thought you’d try to free Tammy first, and I’d have more time. And you’re not supposed to be able to use your powers right now!

MAX
Tammy can handle herself. Right, sis?

TAMMY
(muffled)
Fuck yeah, I can!

MAX
Ploonjer teleported me and Elijah here, right? We must be at Red Thorn Ranch!

CAM
That he did, and that you are! But how did you shimmy out of your power dampener?

MAX
I don’t know. You were in the room. Didn’t you see?

CAM
Yeah, well, uhh, I wasn’t sure when you’d wake up, so I’ve been waiting a while. I may have nodded off.

MAX
That just seems like sloppy planning to me.

CAM
Oh, BLEEP you. Don’t judge me!

MAX
Eat me, Chameleon. Where’s Elijah?

CAM
He’s with the rest of the Fiddle Failures. I separated you and Tammy from them because you technically have the strongest offensive powers of the bunch.

MAX
Speaking of, what’s preventing me from blasting you to pieces with my laser beams?

CAM
You can’t hit a pregnant alien! Think of the optics, man! Also…you can’t hit the broad side of a barn. 

MAX
Damn it. You’re not wrong. You said Elijah’s with everyone else. Who’s he with? Is the real Gale there?

CAM
Yeah, yeah, she’s here. I’ve been roleplaying her for weeks now. I’m surprised I managed to avoid you for so long!

MAX
Seriously? So… Gale didn’t really take time off from hero work to focus on Rose Academy?

CAM
Nope! She’s literally the first one I kidnapped, and I’ve been using her phone so long I think it’s out of minutes.

MAX
I can’t believe you! I mean, GALE?! She’s like, the nicest, sweetest person I’ve ever met!

CAM
I know! Faking that saccharine BLEEP was easier than I thought!

MAX
Ugh. You suck! Who else is with Elijah and Gale?

CAM
Noelle, Ren…I brought in Sophia and Linus a few hours ago while you were passed out. Ploonjer got Silver, too, to tie up any loose ends.

MAX
And… that’s it?

CAM
Yup!

MAX
Oh, you’re totally BLEEPed.

CAM
And why is that?

MAX
Cassie, you idiot. Cassie’s our pinch-hitter!

CAM
Holy crap, you just accurately used a baseball reference! Am I dead? Is this hell?

MAX
Very funny. I know things!

CAM
Then know that we also have her sister. If she shows up, we’ll threaten Ren to make Cassie voluntarily put on a power dampener.

MAX
Okay, well, what about Parker and Blue Moon?

CAM
You recall Rose snapping Parker’s arm like a twig? And Blue Moon can’t hide forever. Rose already has all of the other Eternity Gems, and Blue is that final piece of the puzzle.

MAX
What do you mean, she has the other gems?!

CAM
Hello, Gale was the first person I mimicked, and you guys tell her EVERYTHING, including where you ‘safely’ stashed the gems.

MAX
Chameleon! What Rose wants to do, wipe out all powered people, it’s awful! You must see that, right? After everything we’ve been through together, you’re really okay just standing aside and watching us all die, or cease to exist, or whatever the hell she wants to do?!

CAM
Wow, you humans really are the neediest species in the galaxy.

MAX
You liar! I can read your thoughts, remember? You’re questioning everything. You don’t trust Rose any more than I do!

CAM
Shut up! She’ll be here any minute!

MAX
You’re such a piece of BLEEP. You picked the wrong side.

CAM
I’m on MY side, Max. Mine. No one else’s. The fate of the Kromin race rests on my BLEEPing shoulders, okay?

MAX
That sounds like an excuse.

CAM
Excuse my Sovereign ass! My Empire is depending on me!

SFX: DOOR OPENING

ROSE
Why, hello there, Chameleon. I see you’ve been keeping the Loft siblings company.

CAM
Yes, yes, just having a bit of fun!

ROSE
Please leave us. I have something to discuss with this one.

CAM
What should I do?

ROSE
I don’t know. Go make us some dinner.

CAM
Of course, I have a recipe you’ll love! Hope you like BLEEP sandwiches.

SFX: DOOR CLOSING

ROSE
Hello, Tamsin. I take it your accommodations are satisfactory?

TAMMY
(heavily muffled)
Just try me! I’ll kill you, you fucking cunt!

ROSE
Oh, my. I’m having difficulty comprehending your words. How unfortunate!

MAX
I’m pretty sure she just called you a BLEEPing BLEEP, if that helps.

TAMMY
(muffled laughter)

ROSE
You won’t be laughing for long. Maxim, my boy, come here. We have much to discuss.

MAX
Uh, just Max is fine.

ROSE
Max. You have something I need. We can be diplomatic about this, or… well, I don’t think you’ll like the other option.

MAX
Me? I don’t have anything. Seriously.

ROSE
Ah, so you’re unaware. I suspected as much.

MAX
What are you talking about?

ROSE
You see, Max, I am now in possession of nearly every Eternity Gem. I have my trusty Power Gem, the Dream Gem from that poor woman trapped in a book, the Time Gem that Macguffin had squirreled away, and the Sight Gem, discovered by the Beacon and that bat-man-devil person. That only leaves Blue Moon’s reality-bending buttocks, and the final, most mysterious gem: the Spirit Gem.

MAX
We’ve been looking, but we can’t find that one! I swear!

ROSE
Oh, but you already have it in your possession!

MAX
I have no clue what you’re talking about!

ROSE
That may be the case, but it’s still true.

MAX
What… what makes you think I have the Spirit gem?

ROSE
I used the Sight Gem’s powers to see what I needed to see. I asked it to show me the Spirit gem, and it showed me… you.

MAX
Oh, dear. That’s… not good.

ROSE
Oh deer, indeed. The Sight gem showed me the ancient beings who created the Eternity Gems. They were aliens from a distant galaxy, and the gems were part of their magic-infused technology. They used them to terraform desolate planets, and give free-will to deserving creatures.

MAX
I still don’t understand…

ROSE
These aliens were very old. They were dying. So when they arrived on Earth a few hundred thousand years ago, they made this planet their final resting place. The gems are nearly indestructible, you see, so they scattered them throughout the world. To protect the remaining gems, they chose a guardian to watch over mankind, and to be ready in case the gems ever found their way into the wrong hands.

MAX
They chose… me? I’m the guardian?

ROSE
No, you imbecile. They chose your former hero, the Stag. He was a giant prehistoric deer, sent forward through time by these benevolent aliens to be ready for this exact moment. Unfortunately for him, he grew attached to his… sidekick. When he was attacked by MacGuffin and his daughter, Sally Mander, rather than use the gem’s innate powers of healing, he chose to pass his gifts on to you.

MAX
You’re saying that… my new powers, the ones I inherited from the Stag, are actually from an Eternity Gem?

ROSE
Of course! I just literally explained the entire situation in detail. You are very dense.

MAX
But… I’m not THAT powerful! Geez!

ROSE
The Spirit Gem grants the powers of life and death. With training, your regeneration abilities could have been used to heal others, and your eye beams have the potential to bring absolute destruction upon anything in your path.

MAX
Oh, like… THIS!?

SFX: LASER BLAST

ROSE
How dare you!

MAX
I thought you said…

ROSE
Ha! With the strength of the Power Gem coursing through my body, you cannot harm me!

MAX
That would’ve been great to know before I just blasted you!

ROSE
You insolent, insignificant child! You will not have another opportunity to try that.

MAX
Hey, get away from me! What are you doing?!

ROSE
I don’t need you——I just need your antlers! They’re the source of your power.

MAX
You can’t! I’ve tried to cut them off, but they always grow back!

ROSE
Cutting them won’t do a thing! They’re like weeds. You need to take them out at the ROOT.

MAX
Let go! Stop!

TAMMY
(MUFFLED)
STOP IT! DON’T TOUCH HIM!

ROSE
Hold still! Stop wiggling!

SFX: MAX TRYING TO WRESTLE FREE

MAX
Please! Don’t do this! They’re attached to my skull! If you just pull them, I’ll die!

ROSE
Well, that sounds messy! I should have worn red today.

MAX
Wait! Stop! There’s another way! You might be able to snap them off instead! Just listen!

ROSE
If I agree to not rip them out, will you settle down and be complicit?

MAX
What choice do I have? Certain death, or maybe death? I’ll take my chances with the maybe!

ROSE
Thank you for not resisting. Now, what were you saying?

MAX
The antlers attach at a point, it’s called a pedicle. If you hold one hand flat to brace against my head, and hold the other by the base, you could use leverage and just snap them off. When I was trying to remove these things, I used saws, and files, and I even visited a witch, but I didn’t have the strength of the Power Gem.

ROSE
So… you don’t want them? You’re willing to give up the powers of a GOD?

MAX
Yes! I’ve never wanted them! They make sleeping in a bed really BLEEPing difficult, and I STILL get stuck in doorways all the time! I can’t even wear tee-shirts! Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to not be able to pull a shirt on over your head?!

ROSE
I… I’m not used to people choosing to give up power.

MAX
Well, you come across as a megalomaniac, so that probably has something to do with it.

ROSE
You may have a point. Shall we proceed?

MAX
Hey, be my guest. Just, ignore all the screaming, okay?

ROSE
Is this… a ploy of some kind?

MAX
What do you mean?

ROSE
You’re a superhero. Why would you hand over the power of an Eternity Gem, knowing I will use it against you? Shouldn’t you be willing to die fighting against me?

MAX
Well, would I win that fight?

ROSE
No.

MAX
Yeah, so, umm, that’s why I’m letting you take them. Logic still has a place in a superhero story! Now do it, before I chicken out!

ROSE
As you wish! (grunting exertion sounds)

MAX
(screaming)

TAMMY
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

SFX: RIPPING/CRACKING BONE

ROSE
One down, one to go!

MAX
Oh, BLEEP my life.
(screams again)

SFX: RIPPING/CRACKING BONE

SFX: TIME JUMP TRANSITION

TAMMY
Max! Max, are you okay!?

PLOONJER
His eyes are barely open. Give him a minute!

TAMMY
Don’t tell me what to do, you alien BLEEP!

PLOONJER
Don’t be dramatic! He only fainted. Give him space and let him wake up! He’s probably woozy.

MAX
E… Elijah?

PLOONJER
I’m afraid not.

TAMMY
It’s Ploonjer. He snuck in here after Rose snapped off your antlers and you passed out. He took off my power dampener and let me out. You couldn’t understand me before, but I was trying to tell you that he was the one who freed you before Rose got here! He was trying to rescue you.

MAX
But, you’re the one who abducted me. Why would you try to help me?

PLOONJER
I had to convince Rose and Chameleon I was on their side! Why do you think I left Parker behind?

TAMMY
What the hell does Parker have to do with this?

MAX
They’ve been… dating.

TAMMY
If Elijah finds out, someone’s not surviving that conversation.

MAX
Oh, believe me, he knows.

TAMMY
So, Ploonjer, why are you helping us?

PLOONJER
I care about Parker, and Parker cares about all of you… Therefore, I care about you.

MAX
Ugh, maybe I should’ve just asked Rose to kill me.

PLOONJER
Don’t be foolish! You’re less imposing without your bony forked head spikes, but it’s better to have survived.

TAMMY
How does it feel, Maxi? To not have your antlers anymore? How’s your head?

MAX
I haven’t had any complaints…

TAMMY
Not the time for joking!

PLOONJER
Ooh! I got that one!

MAX
My head feels fine. Antlers aren’t, like, alive, except for when they’re first growing, so when she took them, the only thing that hurt was the pressure of her hands on my head.

TAMMY
You have two lumpy little bald patches now.

MAX
Oh, great.

TAMMY
Does this mean your powers are gone? I mean, other than your animal telepathy?

MAX
Uhh, I don’t know. Should I try lasering something?

TAMMY
Yeah, but don’t look at us!

MAX
Okay, uhhh (exertion noise). No, I can’t do it! That means I probably can’t regenerate anymore, either.

TAMMY
Well, you’re alive. That’s all that matters. Now let’s go find everyone else and get the hell out of here!

MAX
Where even are we?

TAMMY
We’re in Red Thorn Ranch. This used to be my old room.

MAX
Oh, the one you shared with Silver?

TAMMY
Yup.

PLOONJER
This Silver is your friend, as well?

TAMMY
Yeah. You get pretty close living in a cult together, ya know?

PLOONJER
I must admit, I also abducted your Silver friend. I pretended to be her brother Linus, and called her using his cellular device. She showed up and I maintained his shape until I transported her here. I just barely got back from strapping her to a bed when I had my chance to remove your power dampener!

TAMMY
You didn’t hurt her, did you?

PLOONJER
No! She was actually more than willing to do whatever I asked. Very chill, that one. She told me a story about a time when she was abducted by baby goats, making it a literal kidnapping. Because baby goats are referred to as kids! Get it?!

MAX
We have to go. Ploonjer, are you coming with us?

PLOONJER
After everything I did, you… you’re asking me to join you?

MAX
You did what was right when it counted, I guess, so yeah, but we don’t have much time!

PLOONJER
You go without me. I’ll stay behind and try to mislead Chameleon.

MAX
How?

PLOONJER
I’ll be you!

SFX: SHAPESHIFT SQUISH

MAX (PLOONJER)
Oh, goodness, my antlers are missing and I am quite distraught!

TAMMY
Wow, that’s a… perfect likeness.

MAX
Ehh, it’s good enough. Thank you Ploonjer, we won’t forget this.

MAX (PLOOJNER)
You are most welcome. Now go!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

TAMMY
Max, I know this place really well. Stay behind me, and we might just survive.

SFX: DOOR OPENING

MAX
Well, that’s reassuring.

TAMMY
Shhh! Shut up!

SFX: DOOR CLOSING

SFX: TIME JUMP TRANSITION

ROSE
You have some explaining to do, Mr. Loft. Where is your mouthy sister?

MAX (PLOONJER)
Ohh, umm, I do not know. When I woke up, she was gone. I assumed you or Chameleon moved her.

ROSE
Huh. Chameleon? Get in here! Chameleon!

SFX: DOOR OPENING

CAM
Geez, I was right outside, you don’t have to yell.

ROSE
Dear, where did you move Miss Loft?

CAM
What? I haven’t been in here since…  Holy BLEEP! Max, they took a little off the top.

MAX (PLOONJER)
Rose removed the antlers from my… head.

CAM
Hardcore!

ROSE
Your little former friend here had been in possession of the Spirit Gem this whole time!

CAM
Your ANTLERS? That was NOT on my Eternity Gem bingo card.

MAX (PLOONJER)
Ooh, are we playing BINGO? I do so enjoy a game of chance!

CAM
Uhh, why are you acting weird?

MAX (PLOONJER)
I am not acting weird. I am not acting at all! This is my normal personality!

CAM
Uh huh. Ploonjer, I know it’s you. Knock it off!

MAX (PLOONJER)
Damn it.

SFX: SHAPESHIFTING SQUISH

PLOONJER
As you command, Sovereign Supreme.

ROSE
What is the meaning of this? Where are the Loft siblings?

CAM
Are we going to pretend that people actually know their last name is Loft? It’s been years and that’s only been said like 3 times.

ROSE
Where are they?!

PLOONJER
They really had to urinate, so I… let them use the bathroom!

CAM
Did you lock them in the bathroom from the outside?

PLOONJER
Uhh, was that an option?

CAM
You BLEEPing idiot! They’re probably long gone by now!

ROSE
I don’t have time to deal with your lackey’s ineptitude. Chameleon, lock him up with the other prisoners, and then find Max and Tammy.

CAM
Uhh, yes, sir! Ma’am. Your Rose-ness.

ROSE
This is why I have trust issues.

SFX: DOOR CLOSE

PLOONJER
I didn’t want the humans to urinate in the room, your highness! You’d make me clean it up, and I know we don’t have any gloves. I don’t want peepee on my hands!

CAM
You could’ve used a mop!

PLOONJER
Oh, my gracious, gentle, kind majesty. Please forgive me! I am but your humble servant!

CAM
Humble my ass.

PLOONJER
Would you like for me to help you locate the missing humans?

CAM
No, your help is worse than useless. Now tell me why you shifted into Max’s body.

PLOONJER
I was embarrassed about letting them go, your highness, and I didn’t want you to be mad at me!

CAM
As your Sovereign Supreme, I can tell when you’re lying, but… even though I don’t sense deceit, I don’t believe a word out of your mouth.

PLOONJER
I’m sorry if I’ve given you a reason to doubt me, my liege!

CAM
Ploonjer. Tell me how much you hate candy.

PLOONJER
But… I love candy!

CAM
Exactly. Lie to me.

PLOONJER
That makes no sense. You will identify the falsehood the instant the words leave my mouth!

CAM
Humor me. Now!

PLOONJER
Uhh, okay. Umm. I… hate the rush that sugar gives my body. I despise the thrill of sweetness on my tongue!

CAM
I knew it! You devious little lemming, how long have you been able to lie to me?

PLOONJER
I… I… Since I forgot about you when you first came to Red Thorn Ranch. My biological imperative transferred my undying loyalty to Baby Stevie, and when our memories were restored, I did not revert back to how things were before. Baby Stevie is my true Sovereign Supreme!

CAM
Well, that’s just great. So you’ve just been pretending to do everything I order?

PLOONJER
Not exactly. I’ve been doing… most things.

CAM
You snivelly, whining, sad excuse for a minion! Have you been working against me this whole time?

PLOONJER
No, not against you, per se, just not always with you.

CAM
What? Why?

PLOONJER
I met someone. I’m in love!

CAM
Oh, Jesus Christ. I don’t even want to know.

PLOONJER
It’s Parker! Cliff Hanger has my heart in his sticky grasp!

CAM
Well I hope the dick is worth turning against your entire BLEEPing species!

PLOONJER
I’ve experienced more joy in my short time with Parker than I ever did as the Ploonjer of the Toylitt, or even when I was a pilot before that. I wasn’t appreciated. I was just a number. No one cared about me!

CAM
And no one ever will!  I’m throwing you in with the humans. Rose can deal with your pathetic dumbassery.

PLOONJER
I won’t let you! Take your hands off me!

CAM
Oh, is that how it’s gonna be? (punch exertion grunt)

PLOONJER
(punched out “oof!”)

SFX: BODY HIT THE GROUND

CAM
Ha! I might be pregnant, but I can still drop a BLEEP.

SFX: START DRAGGING BODY

CAM
I’m tired of dragging bodies, Tired of eternity gems, and tired of bullBLEEP exposition. Once we grab Blue Moon’s mystical ass,  I’m sitting down with black licorice and smoked salmon ice cream and I’m done giving a BLEEP. BLEEP, being pregnant is weird.

FADE IN THEME MUSIC

CAM
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Chameleon is voiced by Allana Langen, Ploonjer is voiced by—

MAT
What the hell are you doing? I always do the credits!

CAM
I’m the sovereign BLEEPing supreme, dipBLEEP! The credit is mine!

MAT
I can write you out of this story.

CAM
Ow! My continuity!

MAT
Shoo! Git!

CAM
Fine!

MAT
Mmhmm. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

MAT
What a BLEEP. Anyway… Ploonjer is voiced by Nick B and Mat Johnson, Rose is voiced by Chrisi Talyn Saje, and Fourth Wall is voiced by John Pupo. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson. To connect with us on social media, follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, and tumblr at Second Fiddles. We’re also on threads and blue sky! Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Next episode is part one of a two-part season finale. Yeah. See ya then.