70 - Shifty

SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Chameleon broke my heart when their Kromin self awakened. I haven’t seen them since they used a stun grenade and ran away from me. But, there’s hope! Our perky little reserve team member, Gale, has just spotted Chameleon, and she sent me their coordinates. Let’s see if I can bring this rogue alien to justice!

MAT
Episode 70: Shifty. And here’s a content trigger warning: There is discussion of abortion.

SOPHIA
Hello? Is anyone there? Chameleon?

GALE
Sophia! You made it!

SOPHIA
Gale! I wasn’t expecting you to be here. I told you to stay away! This could be dangerous.

GALE
Sorry! I wanted to help!

SOPHIA
Are you sure this is the location?

GALE
Yup! When I was out flying, I saw Chameleon duck into this abandoned warehouse. I texted you the instant I saw them. And, not to worry, I’ve been watching all the exits, so I know they’re still in here somewhere!

SOPHIA
How could you watch all the exits from inside the building?

GALE
I was obviously outside, flying, watching from above, until I saw you arrive, so I popped in to say hi!

SOPHIA
Hmm. I wonder if this is where Chameleon’s been hiding out. I doubt it, because I know they took Ploonjer and Baby Stevie as well, and this place doesn’t seem very… hospitable.

GALE
It seems pretty vacant to me.

SOPHIA
Like one of your fictional dungeons without any kobolds.

GALE
Exactly! And no goblins either!

SOPHIA
Not even a single gelatinous cube.

GALE
Heh, better than a gelatinous pube, am I right? (clears throat) I mean, yeah, super, uhh, empty here.

SOPHIA
Gale, it’s really… dusty in here. I’m actually allergic to dust, so… could you do me a favor and use your air manipulation powers to blow the dust away?

GALE
Wouldn’t that stir up even more dust and make it worse?

SOPHIA
Perhaps. But with enough force, you could create a wall of wind and push it so far away it won’t bother us.

GALE
I don’t think that’s a good idea. Who knows how structurally sound this building is. We wouldn’t want it coming down on top of us!

SOPHIA
This is getting old, Chameleon. Stop pretending to be Gale and cut out the manipulative bullBLEEP, all right?

GALE
Oh my goodness! Such naughty language!

SFX: SHAPESHIFTING SQUISH

CAM
I like it when you’re firm, Sophia. So hot.

SOPHIA
I knew it! I was already questioning some of your inflections and your cadence, but your tasteless gelatinous pube joke cinched it for me.

CAM
Hey, I fooled everyone else!

SOPHIA
What are you talking about? Who else did you trick?

CAM
Oh, I’ll get to that. First, we have some unfinished business.

SOPHIA
No, you answer my questions. How did you get Gale’s phone?

CAM
Ooooh, so forceful. 

SOPHIA
Answer. Now.

CAM
(amused laughter) I’m always a sucker for a dominant chick. Fine. I took Gale’s place weeks ago. Why do you think she needed to “take a break” from hero work?

SOPHIA
She’s supposed to be finishing up her final semester at Rose Academy.

CAM
Yeah, well, looks like she’s getting an incomplete.

SOPHIA
Is she… is she alive?

CAM
Don’t get your functional, fair-trade underwear in a bunch. She’s just locked up with the others.

SOPHIA
Others? Who else have you taken?

CAM
Let’s see, I took care of Tammy, Noelle, and Ren at the spa earlier, and Ploonjer just grabbed Max and Elijah. Add Linus to the list. Blue Moon and Cassie are the only loose ends, but Ren is a great insurance policy against her sister interfering.

SOPHIA
What about Parker? And Silver?

CAM
Meh. Ploonjer said he couldn’t find Parker. As for little miss good-luck, Ploonjer’s already shifted into Linus’s body and should be bagging Silver within the hour.

SOPHIA
Why— Why are you doing this?

CAM
Hey, I’m just doing what I can to help out Rose. She was sick of competing with you guys for the Eternity Gems, so now, she doesn’t have to.

SOPHIA
You’re in cahoots with ROSE?!

CAM
I tried to get into her cahoots, but she was not into it. That’s okay, though. You’re way more appealing.

SOPHIA
Why are you flirting with me? Just to play with my emotions?

CAM
Sophia, when my Kromin switch flipped, I didn’t just stop being who I was before. I still love a good sex joke. I still like to curse like a BLEEPing sailor. And I still think you’re really BLEEPing sexy.

SOPHIA
When I last saw you, you said you went on a date with me to keep up appearances. Was that a lie?

CAM
Sophia, I went to Build-a-bear with you on our first date. And we all know the only place I really wanted to go was to town on you.

SOPHIA
So you’re still the same Chameleon, but with completely different morals and priorities?

CAM
Pretty much! As Gale would put it…

SFX: SHAPESHIFT SQUISH

GALE
I used to be chaotic good, but now I’m chaotic neutral.

SFX: SHAPESHIFT SQUISH

SOPHIA
I take it you had to do a fair bit of dungeons and dragons research before you took her place?

CAM
I didn’t realize there were like a million books and monster manuals and BLEEP. I should’ve just gone for Ren instead, and covered up this baby bump with a chunky sweater.

SOPHIA
Ah! You’ve been displacing your extra mass into Gale’s tail! No wonder you chose her.

CAM
Ding ding! You’re still the smartest human I know. Not that that really means much. Humans are BLEEPing idiots. But you’ve earned the compliment.

SOPHIA
Wow, thanks. Your kind words mean so much.

CAM
Ohh, I’m not sure how I feel about an aggressively sarcastic Sophia.

SOPHIA
Would you prefer an aggressive Basher instead?

CAM
Yes, please! When you turn into Basher, most of your clothes rip off, and I get a free show!

SOPHIA
It’s funny how I might’ve liked that comment before, but now… I think you’re repulsive. All you care about is yourself.

CAM
Well, yeah, that’s the point. I’m one of the last royal Kromin in existence. If I’m not selfish, my entire race might cease to exist. Maybe you’re the one only thinking about yourself.

SOPHIA
That’s not fair. For your species to thrive, it means that the human race would have to suffer.

CAM
Hey, survival of the fittest. You can’t blame an orca for eating a moose.

SOPHIA
What? I’d suggest you go find another planet to take over, but that wouldn’t solve anything. Not really.

CAM
The only way to stop the Kromin from spreading is to wipe us out completely, and I don’t think you have the stomach for it.

SOPHIA
(sigh) You’re right. Of course you’re right.

CAM
Aww, does it frustrate you that my logic is entirely sound?

SOPHIA
It would certainly make things easier if your argument didn’t make any sense.

CAM
Look at what your own government did to the Threat after they attacked Rose City. Kept them in cryo-stasis rather than kill them.

SOPHIA
Yes, but they probably have ulterior motives, like attempting to control the Threat as a weapon, or studying them to learn more about their biology and hive mind.

CAM
And you’re okay with that?

SOPHIA
Well, I’m not the president. There’s not much I can do.

CAM
You’re a hero in the A-league! Who better to speak out and sway public opinion? People listen to superheroes.

SOPHIA
I suppose I could, but… Chameleon! I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to manipulate me into second guessing my convictions, but it won’t work. I’m going to take you into custody, and you’re going to tell me where you and Rose are keeping everyone else. This ends now.

CAM
Eh, it was worth a shot. I know how much you love projecting your pathetic mores onto others.

SOPHIA
Don’t be mean.

CAM
It’s way more fun than being nice. I’m getting a toothache from imitating Gale. So BLEEPing saccharine.

SOPHIA
Chameleon, tell me: How will helping Rose abduct the Second Fiddles aid her in securing the Eternity Gems? The gems we’ve already acquired are being held in a secret location. Is she planning on torturing everyone for intel?

CAM
You guys are BLEEP at keeping secrets. I already heard that the gems were locked up in HQ, but that was a distraction. The real gems were hidden somewhere no one would ever want to look: Blue Moon’s underwear drawer.

SOPHIA
H—how do you know that?

CAM
Everyone loves Gale so much, and she’s so non-threatening, they literally tell her everything. It only took me a few conversations to get all the details.

SOPHIA
Since you said you don’t have Blue Moon yet, does that mean the gems are still safe?

CAM
Oh, yeah, no, definitely not. Earlier today, Blue was shooting one of his naked videos in the shower. All Ploonjer had to do was teleport in, shapeshift into that phosphorescent himbo, and walk out the front door with them. 

SOPHIA
So, you’re saying Rose almost has everything she needs to join the Gems together and destroy all of the superpowered people in the world?

CAM
All but herself, I assume. And aliens. I’ll be safe.

SOPHIA
Oh. Well, at least Blue Moon is safe for now. His powerful posterior is essential for Rose’s plans.

CAM
Yeah, he’s… how do I put this… simpleminded. I’ll have him eating out of my hand like a goat at a petting zoo. After that, goodbye superheroes! And supervillains; you’re welcome. Without them, who needs heroes anyway? Seems fairly balanced, if you ask me.

SOPHIA
Are you forgetting about the Spirit Gem, Chameleon? No one’s been able to find it yet.

CAM
Ah. Yes. About that. Rose has a theory. Like how Blue Moon’s body is fused with the energy of the Reality gem. Rose believes that one of your friends is the living embodiment of the Spirit Gem.

SOPHIA
Oh, my! Which one?

CAM
My money’s on Cassie. That’s why she’s so powerful.

SOPHIA
I suppose. Perhaps that’s why her powers take on a life of their own sometimes…

CAM
Eh, who the BLEEP knows! But after I get Blue Moon, Cassie’s next. She won’t do anything stupid if Ren’s life is at stake. 

SOPHIA
Do you really think Rose is going to protect you after she’s gotten what she wants? If the Eternity Gems make her the most powerful being in the known universe, what’s to say she keeps her side of the bargain?

CAM
I have no reason not to trust her… yet.

SOPHIA
Yes, but that goes both ways. She’s given you no proof that she’s telling the truth.

CAM
Now wait a goddamn minute. Are you really trying to work ME right now?

SOPHIA
I’m quite serious. Maybe you can use Elijah’s powers to discern Rose’s true intentions. If you want, I mean.

CAM
Huh. Yeah, the Beacon’s little party trick could be useful…

SOPHIA
Even though you’re helping the enemy, and we’re on opposing sides, I… I still care about you, Chameleon. Cam. I don’t want any harm to come to you. And just think about Baby Stevie… They’re innocent in all this!

CAM
Hmm. You do care about Stevie, and I can’t see you putting them in danger, so you have a point.

SOPHIA
Just think about it. That’s all I’m asking. Should you really give your loyalty to someone like Rose?

CAM
Okay, okay, I get it. You’re pretty persuasive.

SOPHIA
You know, when I was trying to find you, I did something I probably shouldn’t have, and I…

CAM
You what?

SOPHIA
I called your sister, Madison. I thought maybe I could bring her to Rose City, and she would appeal to the human part of you, but now I realize that wouldn’t have helped at all.

CAM
Yeah, like I said, there’s no angel on my shoulder representing my former self. Just, for curiosity’s sake, what did Madison say?

SOPHIA
She refused to pick up and kept sending me to voicemail. I eventually left a brief message describing the situation, and after a few days, she called me back.

CAM
Oh, and how is she?

SOPHIA
Unfortunately, she called when I was on a mission, so I couldn’t pick up. She did leave a voicemail. Would you… like to hear it?

CAM
I mean, sure. Why the BLEEP not?

SOPHIA
Okay. Just a moment… Here it is.

MADISON
(speaker phone) Please, stop calling me. Yes, I was raised with Cameron, but she’s a terrible sister, and a worse person. Manipulative, like, super deceitful, selfish trash.  I’m glad you’ve all figured out how evil she is. I didn’t buy the superhero thing for one moment. And her being an alien makes total sense.  She never belonged with us in the first place. It sounds like you care about her, but believe me, she’s not worth it, honey. I’m sorry I can’t help you, but trust me, hearing from me is the last thing you need if you’re trying to save her. She’s a monster. Now lose my number.

SOPHIA
Is that… about what you expected?

CAM
Wow. What a BLEEP. I used to feel bad about using her face, but now, hell, I’ll enjoy it even more. And I do not miss that voice.

SOPHIA
I… didn’t know your given name was Cameron.

CAM
Yeah, that’s why Cam works so well as a nickname for me. Ah, and I left home before I started using they/them.

SOPHIA
I wasn’t expecting her to be quite so hateful.

CAM
You know that story I told you, about how I tricked her boyfriend in high school into sleeping with me? I may have left out a few details…

SOPHIA
Uh oh. What else did you do?

CAM
‘Twas was the beginning of senior year, and Madison was kinda… pregnant. She and her boyfriend had a tasteful, classic shotgun wedding. Our parents were very supportive, but I knew that baby would BLEEP up her life.

SOPHIA
So you didn’t sleep with your sister’s boyfriend, you slept with her husband?

CAM
Happens to the best of us! Bad choices were my way of life back then.

SOPHIA
It sounds like not much has changed.

CAM
BLEEP you, very much. Anyway, Maddie filed for divorce, got an abortion, and cut me out of her life all in the same week. The rest of the year, we lived in the same house and never spoke. You cannot imagine how loud silence can be. After I graduated and moved to Rose City, well… you know the rest. Sometimes, I think I kept using her shape as a way to remind myself of what I did to her, so I’d never be that person again. Ah, well! Trivial human BLEEP means nothing to me anymore, so she can go BLEEP herself!

SOPHIA
I’m sorry if that voicemail upset you in any way.

CAM
Are you kidding me? It just goes to show that I was never meant for a basic BLEEP human life. I was never very good at it. 

SOPHIA
You were doing fairly well as a sidekick, and as a… friend.

CAM
Meh, you just couldn’t see past all my charms. I know, I know, I’m pretty awesome.

SOPHIA
Well, you certainly used to be.

CAM
Hey, Sophia?

SOPHIA
Yes?

CAM
There’s something I need to show you.

SOPHIA
Okay…?

CAM
Follow me. It’s… outside!

SOPHIA
I’m going to need a little more information before I go anywhere with you.

CAM
Ugh, fine. Here’s the truth: I still have Linus stashed in the trunk of my car. I’m starting to doubt Rose a little, so maybe… you could take him and go. I’ll make something up–you turned into Basher and got free. I don’t know. I’ll figure it out.

SOPHIA
Is Linus… okay?

CAM
He’s sedated, but he’s fine. I used Gale’s form and went to give him a hug, and stuck him with a tranq before he could make a forcefield. 

SOPHIA
I don’t trust you, but… show me.

CAM
If you insist!

SFX: TRANSITION

CAM
Hold on a sec. Just let me open the trunk…

SFX: TRUNK OPENING

LINUS
(muffled yelling)

SOPHIA
Linus!

CAM
See? I told you he was fine.

SOPHIA
Hold still, Linus, let me rip off the duct tape covering your mouth.

LINUS
Ow! That hurt!

SOPHIA
I’m sorry! Are you all right?

LINUS
No thanks to Chameleon. They pretended to be Gale!

SOPHIA
I know, they’re right here.

CAM
Hey, Linus! Looking good.

LINUS
You BLEEPing crazy BLEEP!

SOPHIA
Cam’s had a slight change of heart, Linus. They’re still not the Chameleon we used to know, but they also don’t trust Rose completely.

LINUS
What does Rose have to do with any of this?

SOPHIA
Cam was working with her to capture all of us.

LINUS
And they just told you all of this freely?

SOPHIA
Yes! We were talking, and… and… Chameleon. You hate when villains give away their plans in monologues. You’ve called it ridiculous on multiple occasions. You always say, if you have a clever plan, you always keep it to yourself. Doing anything else would be idiotic.

CAM
Heh. Heh. Well, about that…

SFX: ENERGY BLAST

SOPHIA/LINUS
(cry out in pain)

CAM
Oh, that perfect memory of yours, always working in overdrive.

SOPHIA
What’s happening? I can’t move!

LINUS
Neither can I!

CAM
This moment brought to you by Ploonjer, and Kromin technology. This gun is basically a phaser on stun… and agonize. The paralysis is temporary. I… think?

SOPHIA
Linus! Can you create a forcefield to protect us?

LINUS
No! Ever since I woke up in here, I can’t use my powers.

CAM
But wait, there’s more! Power dampeners. Linus already got his, now it’s your turn!

SOPHIA
No! You wouldn’t!

LINUS
Sophia, transform into Basher! Maybe you can fight off the paralysis that way!

SOPHIA
I can’t! I’ve been trying!

LINUS
Dammit! Chameleon, what are you going to do with us?

CAM
I’ll be hand delivering you to Rose, that needy old BLEEP. She’s so desperate for those Eternity Gems, I decided to help!

SOPHIA
Cam, back away. Don’t put a power dampener on me, please!

CAM
Oh, BLEEP! You’re actually terrified of these things, aren’t you? I’d completely forgotten!

SOPHIA
Please, please, please, stop this! If you ever really cared about me, you wouldn’t subject me to this!

CAM
Of course I did, and I still do. I just… don’t… CARE, care. Now be a good girl and hold… still!

SOPHIA
No!!

SFX: POWER DAMPENER BEEP AND TURN ON

CAM
There we go. All set! I must admit, I am pretty curious to see what this does.

LINUS
Sophia? Are you… Are you okay?

SOPHIA
I… I don’t know. Why are you tied up?

LINUS
Chameleon did this to us! Don’t you remember, Sophia?

SOPHIA
Why do you keep calling me Sophia?

LINUS
You’re Sophia! You’re my friend!

SOPHIA
I don’t know you. I don’t know… anything. Why can’t I move my legs? What’s going on?

CAM
Holy BLEEP! Without her powers, her memory is completely BLEEPed!

SOPHIA
I don’t understand what’s happening…

LINUS
Chameleon, she’s never going to forgive you for this. You know how she feels about her memories.

CAM
How many times do I have to say, I DON’T CARE WHAT HUMANS THINK ABOUT ME. Jesus, you statics are dense.

LINUS
Do you want money? I’ll give you so much money you won’t even know how to spend it all. Just let us go!

CAM
Tempting, but no. Now stop whining while Ploonjer teleports us to Rose.

SOPHIA
I’m scared. I don’t like this. Someone, help me! Help!

LINUS
Sophia, I’ll do everything I can to make sure you’re safe. I promise!

CAM
Oh my goodness, what a hero! You guys suck. All right, time to see Rose in 3… 2…

SFX: TELEPORTER SOUND

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Chameleon and Madison are voiced by Allana Langen, Gale is voiced by Betsy Harris, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

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