69 - Picnic

SOPHIA
I’m going to be honest with you. Considering the sensibilities of this show, I was expecting something absolutely inappropriate for episode 69. I was pleasantly surprised to find that this episode wasn’t as naughty as I’d expected. If I wasn’t a woman of science, I would call this a tiny miracle. Today, we shift the focus away from the quest for the Eternity gems. We now join Max and Elijah as they sit down for an innocent picnic in the park. Or, so they believe… Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 69: Picnic

ELIJAH
Max! You made it!

MAX
Sorry, I got stuck dealing with a stupid henchie.

ELIJAH
It’s okay, I get it.

MAX
Wow, did you do all of this… for me?

ELIJAH
I did it for both of us, but… yeah! I thought a nice little picnic in the park would do us some good.

MAX
You have a checkered blanket and basket and everything!

ELIJAH
Hey, when I do something, I fully commit.

MAX
I know, that’s one of the things I love about you.

ELIJAH
Oooh, there are… multiple things?

MAX
I’m not giving you a list. I’m hungry!

ELIJAH
Do you want to see what’s in my basket?

MAX
Oh, baby, I already know what’s in your basket, and me likey.

SFX: LAUGH TRACK

ELIJAH
Where the heck is that laughter coming from?!

MAX
(sigh) Sorry, that’s from me.

ELIJAH
Uhh, care to explain?

MAX
The henchie I was just fighting was named… Sitcom. He can turn people’s lives into sitcoms. He tried blasting me with his power, but I thought I dodged it. I did hear a crowd cheering after I beat him, but I thought it was coming from him.

ELIJAH
Oh, geez. Do you know how long these effects are supposed to last?

MAX
Hopefully they only last a few more minutes…? If we want to have some hanky panky later, and the scene cuts to black, I’m gonna be so pissed..

ELIJAH
I don’t even know what to say to that.

MAX
We live such weird lives. Okay, let’s not let this ruin our date. Show me the noms!

ELIJAH
You’ll be impressed—I brought a really good spread.

MAX
Oh, I’ll show you a really good spread later.

SFX: LAUGH TRACK

ELIJAH
Oh, come on, you’re just being gross on purpose to get laughs.

MAX
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

ELIJAH
You’re barely capable of humor that doesn’t involve sex jokes.

MAX
Hey, I’m good with puns, too!

ELIJAH
Okay, then try not to make one single sex joke as I take the food out. If you can get through the whole thing, I’ll give you a treat.

MAX
Ooooh, I do like treats. You’re on.

SFX: BASKET OPENING AND THINGS BEING SET ON BLANKET

ELIJAH
So, the first thing I made were deviled eggs.

MAX
Did you make them with—

ELIJAH
Yes, I made them light on mustard, with paprika and miracle whip, because I know you love them that way.

MAX
Damn, Elijah. You’re the best.

ELIJAH
Next, I made a tossed salad.

MAX
Oh, come on, how do you expect me not to make a joke about that?!

ELIJAH
I believe in you, Max.

MAX
(sigh) Fine. Did you bring any dressing?

ELIJAH
Of course! I know how much you like topping off a freshly tossed salad with a creamy dressing.

MAX
I— I— Are you trying to kill me?!

SFX: LAUGH TRACK

ELIJAH
Oh come on, that wasn’t even funny!

MAX
Hey, maybe the crowd is easily amused.

ELIJAH
Or has bad taste.

SFX: CROWD BOOS

ELIJAH
Seriously?! Come on!

MAX
I don’t know how it works!

ELIJAH
Ugh.

MAX
Okay, I’ll be serious, I promise.

ELIJAH
Fine. I also brought some potato rolls, because I know how much you love them, with a couple of different blocks of cheese, and some chips with guacamole and hummus. Oh, and I baked some snickerdoodles for dessert. Those are your treat. So, yeah. That’s everything.

MAX
You are, without a doubt, the best boyfriend in the history of boyfriends!

SFX: CROWD AWW

ELIJAH
Oh come on, I just pay attention. You would have done something great for me, too.

MAX
Ehh, probably not. You’re clearly the better half of this relationship. Even when I try really hard, you’re nicer, and more thoughtful, and I feel like I’m always coming up short.

ELIJAH
Oh, you never come up… short.

SFX: LAUGH TRACK

MAX
Hey, you got a laugh!

ELIJAH
Damn it, that actually felt really good!

MAX
That’s what she said!

SFX: LAUGH TRACK

ELIJAH
(laughing) This is going to be one of the weirdest dates I’ve ever been on. Okay, let me get the plates…

SFX: PLATES, UTENSILS CLACKING

MAX
Good thing I only fought Sitcom, and not, like, the Yeastmaster or someone more dangerous.

ELIJAH
That’s for sure. I can’t believe the Yeastmaster is still out there somewhere.

MAX
Lucid Lucy was the only one really looking for her, and now that she’s dead…

ELIJAH
I know, I know. I wonder how Crampus is holding up.

MAX
Oh, I think she’s doing okay. Tammy told me she was meeting with Noelle today to do a whole spa day thing. Ren and Gale were going too.

ELIJAH
That sounds fun! We all need to relax a little.

MAX
Tell me about it. I still can’t believe you got the afternoon off from your Beacon duties. Heh heh, I said duties.

SFX: LAUGH TRACK

ELIJAH
What are you, 10 years old?

MAX
Probably more like 7.

ELIJAH
Hey, you said it.

MAX
Umm, don’t look now, but I think Parker’s here.

ELIJAH
Where?

MAX
I said don’t look! Why is it whenever someone says “don’t look,” the first thing they do is look?!

ELIJAH
Sorry! But you’re right. I think that’s him. And he’s not alone!

MAX
Oooh, he’s holding that guy’s hand! I knew he’s been seeing someone, but he’s been so secretive about it.

ELIJAH
I can’t tell who it is. He’s wearing sunglasses and his hood’s covering most of his face.

MAX
Well, the path walks right by here, so we’ll see them in like 20 seconds.

ELIJAH
Oh god, I don’t want to make small talk with Parker and his boyfriend. Promise me that you won’t invite them to sit with us. This is a two person picnic!

MAX
I promise! Oh, I think he finally noticed us. (shouting) Parker! Hey!

ELIJAH
Aww, come on, don’t call them over!

MAX
Too late. (shouting) Parker, stop pretending you don’t see us! Come here!

PARKER
(shouting) Sorry, we’re in a hurry! Can’t stay!

MAX
Don’t you dare! Come here!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

PARKER
Ugh, fine! But just remember, you were the one who called us over. Anything that happens now is completely YOUR fault.

ELIJAH
Why do I feel like our date is already over?

MAX
What are you talking about, Parker? What’s my fault?

PARKER
Oh god, this is going to suck.

MAX
You’re being so weird.

PARKER
Are you… having a picnic?

ELIJAH
What gave it away? The blanket? The basket?

PARKER
Hello to you, too, Elijah.

ELIJAH
Are you going to introduce us to your… friend here?

PARKER
I’d rather not.

MAX
Are you dating a celebrity?! Is that why he’s all covered up?

PARKER
Ugh, no, I’m not. Honey, take off your disguise and talk to my friends.

PLOONJER
Greeting, humans! It is I, none other than… Ploonjer!

SFX: GASP

PARKER
What was that?

ELIJAH
Oh, hell no. This has gotta be a sick joke.

PLOONJER
It’s the no-longer invisible human! For a moment, I thought I was looking into a mir-ror!

ELIJAH
I’m going to freak out in 5 seconds if someone doesn’t tell me what’s going on!

MAX
Hun, I’m pretty sure you’re already freaking out.

PARKER
I was trying to avoid you guys! Like I said, this is all Max’s fault now!

ELIJAH
Oh, is it Max’s fault that you’re dating THE EVIL ALIEN SHAPESHIFTER WHO TOOK MY FACE?!

PLOOJER
Oh, how dramatic you are! It’s like the Real Housewives of Rose City!

MAX
Too bad this is a picnic, because there’s no table to flip, amiright?

SFX: LAUGH TRACK

ELIJAH
This is not the time for jokes, Max! This is serious!

MAX
I know! I’m sorry! Parker, what the hell is going on?

PARKER
Umm, so no one’s going to explain where the crowd reaction sounds are coming from?

MAX
I fought a henchie named Sitcom, and he did this to me. It’s temporary. I think.

ELIJAH
Now answer us before Max laser beams Ploonjer’s head off!

MAX
Well, I’m definitely not going to do that, but I am going to ask you to hold Elijah’s hand when you tell us, so we know you’re telling the truth.

PARKER
Ugh, seriously?

ELIJAH
There’s no way I’m holding your hand.

MAX
Just touch his arm!

ELIJAH
Fine!

MAX
Okay, proceed.

PARKER
I’ve been dating Ploonjer for a while, but we’ve been keeping it secret because we knew you’d all have a fit.

ELIJAH
How did you even meet?! I thought Ploonjer disappeared from HQ when Chameleon went full-Kromin and took him.

PARKER
He did, but I moved into Chameleon’s old quarters after they left, remember? I found a cell phone someone left behind, and I called the last number on it, and Ploonjer answered.

PLOONJER
Is there a reason why I’m not part of this interrogation? You’re talking about me, and I feel left out!

MAX
Hold on, Ploonjer. Just let him finish.

PLOONJER
I always let him finish! I’m very considerate… in the bedroom!

SFX: LAUGH TRACK

MAX
Oh, come on, don’t laugh for him.

ELIJAH
This is SICK, Parker. You couldn’t have me, so you went and found my doppelganger?! This is disgusting. This is so many levels of wrong. I feel so… violated!

SFX: CROWD BOOS

PARKER
No! Elijah, let me explain!

MAX
Parker, this is so BLEEPing messed up. I thought you were better than this.

PLOONJER
Ugh, don’t worry, visible human loser. When we are alone, and intimate, he has made me promise to never use your form. I only use it in public.

ELIJAH
I don’t believe you!

MAX
Parker, is this true?

PARKER
Yes! I would never do that to you, Elijah! I promise!

ELIJAH
My power tells me you’re not lying, but this doesn’t make any sense.

MAX
(sigh) So. You called him on the phone you found at Chameleon’s. What happened then?

PARKER
I thought he was Elijah at first, obviously, but I realized it wasn’t him after like 10 seconds. The inflection was way off.

PLOONJER
My inflection is just fine, thank you very much!

PARKER
You know what I mean.

PLOONJER
Yes, yes. My levels of awesomeness easily surpass that of this feeble has-been hero.

PARKER
Honey, you’re not helping.

PLOONJER
I’m not trying to help.

ELIJAH
Shut up, body snatcher!

MAX
Parker! Keep talking.

PARKER
When I realized who was on the phone, curiosity got the best of me, and I asked if we could meet up somewhere. Originally, my plan was to use him to figure out where Chameleon was, and report back to Recall, but then we got together for dinner, which somehow led to sharing breakfast the next morning, and… that was it.

ELIJAH
Other than my FACE, what do you even see in him?

PARKER
He’s weird, and funny, and so smart, and… he sees the world with fresh eyes!

ELIJAH
Yeah, MY eyes. And they’re fresh because they’re not his own!

PARKER
It’s just… refreshing to be with someone who doesn’t judge me. Is that so wrong?

MAX
Okay, uhh, to address the elephant in the room…

PLOONJER
Elephant? I see no elephant!

SFX: LAUGH TRACK

MAX
It’s a figure of speech.

PLOONJER
Ah. I am still learning those.

MAX
Go figure. Parker, I think the part we’re upset about is that you’re dating Elijah’s doppelganger. 

ELIJAH
Don’t forget that he’s EVIL.

MAX
I thought you said you moved on.

PARKER
I did move on. The reason I like Ploonjer has nothing to do with how he looks right now. Use your powers, Elijah. You know I’m being honest!

ELIJAH
You… are telling the truth, yeah. But I still don’t understand.

PLOONJER
Okay, Elias, or whatever your name is, read my lips. Or, I suppose I should say, YOUR lips. My handsome Parky Park made me promise, whenever we were alone, to assume an alternate form and use a different voice, because, for some ridiculous reason, he respects you. I barely ever use your silly face anymore. Like I said before, it’s only when I’m in public.

ELIJAH
But, why not use whatever face you use with Parker, like, all the time?

PARKER
Umm… we wouldn’t want to bring any attention to ourselves, so it’s easier because no one associates your face with superheroes or celebrities.

MAX
Uhh… Celebrities?

PARKER
Yeah, umm, we kind of cycle through the hottest movie stars and athletes and stuff. If he used those forms out here, someone might notice us. We tried having him use MY face once, to pretend to be twins, but that got weird fast.

PLOONJER
These famous male shapes mean nothing to me, but Parky-poo seems to enjoy them, considering our lustful, excessive love-making.

ELIJAH
That’s gross.

MAX
Really? You don’t think that’s not even a little hot? You would hate it if I could look like ANYONE you wanted?

ELIJAH
I like YOUR face, Max.

MAX
Well, I like your face too, but fulfilling fantasies while also not cheating just sounds like realistic roleplay.

PARKER
Yes! Exactly! Max gets it. Elijah, you’re just huffy because I’m with Ploonjer.

ELIJAH
Well, he did oversee my torture when I was held captive in his space station!

PLOONJER
We regenerated your missing digits. I don’t see what the big deal is.

ELIJAH
I… still have nightmares sometimes. The way it felt… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget it.

PLOONJER
I do apologize for your trauma, human. I was only doing what was expected of me. It was my first week on the job, and I was trying to impress my new subordinates.

ELIJAH
Are you actually sorry?

PARKER
Here, Ploonge, touch his arm, he’ll use his powers on you. It’s safe, I promise.

PLOONJER
Okay… But only because it’s you asking.

PARKER
Now say it again.

PLOONJER
I’m very, very sorry for commanding my officers to slice off your fingers. I never thought of how it would affect your mind. Mostly because we were going to kill you afterward, but that’s beside the point…

ELIJAH
Okay, both of you, stop touching me. I can see Ploonjer’s real Kromin face right now, and the tentacles are so squirmy, it’s making me sick.

PARKER
Okay, okay.

PLOONJER
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

ELIJAH
Oh, thank god.

MAX
So… was he… telling the truth?

ELIJAH
About planning to kill me, or the apology?

Max
Umm, both?

ELIJAH
Yes, he was honest. But I’m not forgiving him. Like, ever.

PLOONJER
Forgiveness is not really a thing Kromin do, anyway.

PARKER
So you’re not going to hate me for the rest of your life?

ELIJAH
How about we settle on mild dislike, or… irritation?

PARKER
That’s good enough for me.

MAX
Wait, just because we know you don’t screw him looking like Elijah, that doesn’t change the fact that he’s, you know, EVIL.

PARKER
He’s really not, though. He might have a different set of morals, but without Kromin society to guide his actions, he’s kind of a lost little alien puppy.

ELIJAH
And he’s working with Chameleon, who we KNOW is evil now.

PLOONJER
An awakened Kromin is no more evil than a tiger killing and eating a deer. It’s the tiger’s instinct as a predator to hunt and kill, just as it’s Chameleon’s instinct as the Sovereign Supreme to spread their royal seed throughout the planet and replace the human race.

ELIJAH
Oh, so it’s really not bad, and just some light genocide?

PLOONJER
I’m just saying, think before you judge. You humans are all so quick to validate your assumptions.

PARKER
Ploonge isn’t royalty, so he doesn’t have the same scary instincts.

PLOONJER
Oh, he’s correct. Otherwise, I’d be running around inseminating female humans with my genitalia.

PARKER
Lucky for me, he’s only into dudes!

PLOONJER
Yes! And no matter how much inseminating we do, we produce no babies!

SFX: LAUGH TRACK

ELIJAH
Ewww! That wasn’t a joke! He was talking about gay sex!

PLOONJER
Yes, I am a fan.

ELIJAH
Please, stop talking. Preferably for the rest of time.

MAX
This is honestly one of the weirdest conversations I’ve taken part in in my entire life. And I used to talk to a giant deer every day.

ELIJAH
Wait a minute, Ploonjer, aren’t you, like, biologically loyal to Chameleon? I remember they told me you had to do what they said, and they could detect if you were lying to them, like I can.

PLOONJER
You literally just told me to stop talking.

ELIJAH
I meant about the other stuff. This is relevant!

PLOONJER
I’ll tell you, but only because I wish to leave this gathering in a moment to consume a banana split with Parky. I love iced cream, even though it figuratively causes my brain to freeze.

PARKER
Honey, I told you, you eat it way too fast. You have to take your time with it.

PLOONJER
I will not delay the consumption of such deliciousness for anything! The pain is worth it.

MAX
You guys ARE oddly cute together, if you ignore the current Elijah face.

ELIJAH
You’re not helping, Max. So? What about Chameleon?

PLOONJER
Ah, yes. Well, the rewriting of reality caused by Blue Moon’s glowing buttocks exposed an odd loophole in my innate Kromin subservience.

MAX
Uhh, what does that mean?

PLOONJER
I was loyal to Chameleon, with every fiber of my being, until they went to Red Thorn Ranch and I forgot they existed. Then, all of my loyalty shifted to Baby Stevie, the only other Kromin present. When Chameleon came back, and our memories were restored, I was still compelled to support Stevie, not Chameleon.

MAX
Seriously?

ELIJAH
Does Chameleon know this?

PLOONJER
Ah, no. I thought it might be best to keep it a secret for now.

PARKER
Same thing with our relationship. Ploonjer spends most of his time caring for Baby Stevie, because Chameleon doesn’t really want to, or doing random odd jobs here and there.

PLOONJER
It’s demeaning to be treated as a lackey. I’m intelligent and capable! I have many skills!

ELIJAH
So you don’t know what Chameleon’s up to?

PLOONJER
They’re still pregnant, biding their time until they can birth their spawn and start impregnating the female population of your planet. That, and hanging out with their new friend.

MAX
Friend? What friend?

PLOONJER
Oh, just some scary woman bent on world domination. You know, the one who wants the shiny power crystals.

ELIJAH
Do you mean ROSE?!

PLOONJER
Yes, that’s the one! She’s kind of a BLEEP.

PARKER
What? You didn’t tell me she was hanging out with Rose!

PLOONJER
You didn’t ask!

PARKER
Do you think Chameleon’s helping Rose find the remaining Eternity Gems?

PLOONJER
Yes, yes. At least, they’re trying to. They’ve even gotten me helping with it!

PARKER
Seriously? Did you lie to me?

PLOONJER
I didn’t want to, but I had no choice!

MAX
Ploonjer, what did you do?

PLOONJER
If you must know, Rose stopped by yesterday and threatened to kill me and Baby Stevie if I didn’t help her. And like I just said, I would do anything to protect Stevie.

ELIJAH
Which means what?

PLOONJER
I knew the two of you would be out here, eating on the ground like savages, so I asked Parky-poo to go on a walk through the park to get iced creams.

MAX
You planned on running into us? Why?

PLOONJER
Well, you see…

SFX: ENERGY BLASTS

MAX/ELIJAH/PARKER
(crying out in pain)

PLOONJER
This energy pulse is freezing you in place, and it’s Kromin technology, not superpowers, so even the formerly invisible one isn’t immune to it.

PARKER
Why are you doing this to us?! I thought you cared about me!

PLOONJER
Oh, Parky Park, I like you——and our naked times——very, very much! And I’m not doing this to you, just to them! Rose and Chameleon don’t care about you, so you’re safe.

MAX
What… What are you going to do to us?

PLOONJER
I’ll be teleporting us to Rose’s base of operations, where your sister and her friends were taken earlier today by Chameleon. Their spa day was a ruse! By now, they’ve probably lured in Linus as well!

ELIJAH
I told you he was evil!

PLOONJER
You say evil, I say clever and opportunistic. Say goodbye, now, because it’s time for us to go!

PARKER
What?! You’re just leaving me here!

PLOONJER
I’ll come back for you when Stevie’s safe. I promise!

PARKER
This is BLEEPed up!

PLOONJER
Buh-Bye! That’s all, folks!

SFX: TELEPORT

SFX: CROWD APPLAUSE

PARKER
Wait! Come back! Damn it! Hey, stop with the clapping! My alien boyfriend just kidnapped my ex-boyfriend and my former crush and brought them to the immortal villain who wants to use the Eternity Gems to kill everyone with superpowers, and now I’m the only one left to save them!

Wait a minute, no, I’m not alone. Cassie and Blue Moon should still be safe!

SFX: CELL RINGING

PARKER: Pick up, pick up.

CASSIE
Hey, Parker? What’s up?

PARKER
Cassie? Are you okay?

CASSIE
Uhh, yeah, why wouldn’t I be?

PARKER
Stay put, I’ll be there as soon as I can. We have to plan a rescue mission!

CASSIE
Oh god, seriously? I was just about to watch the Real Housewives of Rose City!

PARKER
It can wait! Hold on, I’m coming!

CASSIE
Ugh, fine.

SFX: CROWD APPLAUSE

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Elijah is voiced by Nick B, Ploonjer is voiced by Nick B, Parker is voiced by Greg M, Cassie is voiced by Tatiana Reed, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

To connect with us on social media, follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, and tumblr at Second Fiddles. We’re also on threads and blue sky! Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!