68 - Spa Day


SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles:
Ren tried to leave the superhero business behind, but concern for her sister Cassie brought her back to the team, albeit on a part-time basis. Whilst aiding Linus, Lucid Lucy was killed by Rose, leaving her sidekick, Noelle, hero-less. To make matters worse, Chameleon’s unexpected pregnancy awakened their Kromin self; they kidnapped the jovial hero, Gale, and assumed her identity. Today, the girls have gathered for a relaxing day at the spa. Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode  68: Spa Day

GALE
My muscles feel like jello, but in the best way possible!

REN
Okay, now that the massage therapists are gone, can we finally start talking? I need all the gossip!

TAMMY
Simmer down, Ren, you’re so thirsty! Ugghh, Gale, this was such a good idea. You have no idea how much I needed that massage.

GALE
I’m glad I could help, Tammy! But Noelle is really the one who planned everything.

NOELLE
I normally wouldn’t take credit, but Gale’s right, I did do most of the work.

TAMMY
Yeah, but that’s just because you have a hookup as the receptionist.

NOELLE
Hey, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

GALE
Unless you’re into that sort of thing. I mean, I love horsies! Who wouldn’t want one as a gift?

REN
Gale, you’re being weirder than usual.

GALE
I’m just so stressed with my classes at Rose Academy. I’m so close to graduating!

TAMMY
Good! We’re looking forward to having you back with Second Fiddles. It’s been a little less cheery since you took time off to focus on school.

GALE
Aww, thank you, Tammy!

REN
Noelle, is this your only job now? I know you’re taking classes to become a massage therapist, but are you gonna sidekick again?

NOELLE
I don’t know. After Lucid Lucy died to save me and Linus, the idea of sidekicking makes me wanna throw up. Between Red Thorn Ranch, and Rose killing Lucy, I feel like all signs are telling me to get out before it’s too late.

REN
I get it. If it wasn’t for Cassie being so important with her stupid saving-the-day powers, I would have cut all ties with this drama.

TAMMY
Not ALL ties, Ren. What about us?

REN
Tammy, you and Max have boyfriends, and you’re all so busy saving Rose City all the freakin’ time now. Sophia is still my best friend, but she’s off being an A-league hero, so I feel like kind of an afterthought lately.

TAMMY
It does kind of suck that Sophia couldn’t make it today, but there’s always next time. And Ren, if anything, you’re like… a pre-thought? Huh. What’s the opposite of an afterthought?

GALE
Would that be a forethought?

TAMMY
I don’t BLEEPing know. But Ren, you love us. Stop trying to resist it! Most of the time when I text you, you’re busy with your boyfriend anyway.

REN
That’s true. Bram and I are basically attached at the hip.

TAMMY
More like the pelvis! Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

NOELLE
So things are going well with him and his art studio?

REN
Yeah! We realized that most of his clientele are middle-aged white women who want a Patrick-Swayze ghost experience, so I suggested he become a little more hands-on, to really demonstrate how to work the clay on the wheel, you know?

NOELLE
It sounds like you’re pimping out your boyfriend.

REN
Hell, yeah! He likes the attention, and I like growing the business. Some random ladies feel seen or whatever. It’s a win-win.

TAMMY
If he started a naked pottery class, you would probably sell out in like 3 seconds.

REN
Not gonna happen. There’s a difference between leveraging your assets, and deliberate exploitation.

TAMMY
Whatever.

GALE
Hey, Noelle? I wanted to thank you again for helping me plan today.

NOELLE
You’re welcome! I really needed it too. And the mani-pedis were nice.

TAMMY
I don’t see the point. Unless you’re filing my nails into claws to help me fight henchies, it’s a waste of time. Not that I would let them ever get that long in the first place.

GALE
Sometimes it’s nice to feel pretty!

REN
Gale has a point. Being pampered can be really nice.


NOELLE
Do you guys wanna go to the sauna next?

TAMMY
Is that the only option?

REN
Yeah, I thought we were supposed to meditate or something. Isn’t that what this generic peaceful spa music is for?

NOELLE
No, we were the last appointment, and the other staff left for the day; I said I would lock up. I can shut the music off if you want to go to the sauna now. Otherwise, we can just chill in here.

REN
Do we have to go home? Maybe we can go get a drink or something.

TAMMY
I don’t want to leave yet, but I don’t want to go to the sauna. That sounds gross.

REN
I actually agree with Tammy for once. Could someone explain to me why people like to sit around bathed in their own sweat on purpose?

TAMMY
Speaking of getting hot and sweaty, Linus has been insatiable since he and Silver busted out of their time bubble. Not seeing me for a month made him as sad as he is horny.

NOELLE
Oh, I’m sure you hate the attention.

GALE
How is Linus doing? He’s been through so much lately!

TAMMY
Other than the separation-anxiety-driven sex, he actually used the extra month to come to terms with the reality of his mom’s situation. Silver helped him decompress, so he’s doing surprisingly well. His mom’s still alive, but it sucks that I’ll never get to meet her.

REN
I was more concerned for Noelle, to be honest.

NOELLE
Me? Really? Because of Lucy?

REN
Well, duh. She sacrificed herself so you could get away.

NOELLE
No, I think it was more about preventing Rose from getting the Dream Gem, and less about saving me.

REN
Don’t sell yourself short. I think she liked you. At least, more than when Gale stepped in for you during the Sandwich case.

NOELLE
Thanks, Ren, that means a lot. You were her favorite, though. She never shut up about “Snoozy Susie” and how you were the best sidekick.

REN
Ugh, barf. I’m sad she’s dead, but I’ll never be heartbroken about not being her sidekick anymore.

GALE
Yeah, she hated me. Which is weird, because I’m so lovable!

NOELLE
You never really told me what happened when I was at Red Thorn Ranch. How many cases did you help with, Gale? Just the one?

GALE
Oh, uhh, that doesn’t matter. I don’t want to talk about Lucid Lucy anymore.

TAMMY
Yeah, let’s try to keep it relaxing in here!

GALE
Tammy, what’s Silver up to today? I was bummed when she turned down my invitation.

TAMMY
Oh. She missed her boyfriend a lot too, during the time freeze, so she’s been staying at his place for a bit.

GALE
Oh! Who is she dating?

TAMMY
Uhh, I’m not supposed to tell anyone.

REN
When has that stopped you in the past?

TAMMY
Hey! I’m still getting to know Silver, and I don’t want to betray her trust and mess up our relationship. She means too much to Linus.

NOELLE
That’s the most considerate thing I’ve ever heard you say, Tammy. Are you… turning soft?

TAMMY
Oh, BLEEP you, Crampus.

NOELLE
I rescind my compliment.

TAMMY
Just because I’m gardening and trying to be more responsible doesn’t mean I’m not still a tough BLEEP.

REN
Tammy, I don’t think anyone was saying you weren’t still a BLEEP. That’s kind of a given.

TAMMY
Aww, Ren, this is why I’ve missed you!

REN
Yeah, yeah, I’m awesome.

NOELLE
Hey, Tammy, before we go, I have a silly question.

TAMMY
Yeah? Shoot.

NOELLE
Well, I’m still working the front desk here, and working on my certification, but… if you need a hand with the crime in Rose City, I’m willing to help. If… you’ll have me.

TAMMY
Oh god, Noelle, you’re worse than Ren with this to-hero or not-to-hero stuff.

NOELLE
I don’t know, it’s just… being with you here today makes me think being on a super team might be an overall better experience than sidekicking for a crazy dreamwalker.

REN
Anything’s better than that.

TAMMY
(sigh) I’m surprised it’s taken you so long to bring this up. I already discussed it with Linus, and there’s an official spot on the Second Fiddles reserve team for you whenever you want it.

NOELLE
Seriously?!

TAMMY
I lie about a lot, but I wouldn’t lie about this. And Ren, I know you still love working with us as little as possible, so you’re off the hook, but Gale, when you’re finished with school, there may be a promotion to full-fledged Second Fiddler in your future!

NOELLE
Thank you!

GALE
Oh, my! Really? I thought the open spot belonged to Chameleon!

TAMMY
BLEEP that lying, two-faced, alien assBLEEP.

GALE
That’s… not very nice.

TAMMY
We haven’t heard from them since they hurt Sophia and announced they’re pregnant. As far as I’m concerned, even though Parker joined the team full-time after his recovery, Second Fiddles is looking for a replacement.

GALE
Huh. Good to know…

REN
Gale, you seem off. Is everything okay?

GALE
Oh, yeah. I just… I organized this spa day because I wanted to tell you all something. And give you presents!

TAMMY
Presents? I like presents.

REN
What’s up? Do you have good news or something?

GALE
No, I just… wanted to tell you how much I love you! I never had any superhero friends before, and you mean a lot to me, so I have little gifts for you. Hold on, they’re in my bag.

NOELLE
Aw, you didn’t have to get us anything, Gale!

GALE
Oh, pssh! Gift-giving is my love language!

REN
Really? We’ve been friends for a while, and you’re never given me anything.

TAMMY
Yeah, I thought you didn’t care much for material possessions.

GALE
Oh my goodness! Stop being so weird about it and let me give you these! Here’s yours, Noelle.

NOELLE
Oh! A necklace!

GALE
They’re a set of matching lockets. Think of them like friendship bracelets! Oh, and take a seat. I need to show you something. Ready?

TAMMY
Ready.

GALE
Here you go, Ren.

REN
It’s so cute, Gale! Thank you!

GALE
Tammy, this is yours.

TAMMY
Oh! Okay.

GALE
Now, I put a surprise in them, but you all need to put them on before we open them!

TAMMY
I’m not really a necklace person, but thank you!

GALE
TAMMY, JUST PUT IT ON! Pretty please? With a cherry on top? You can take it off afterward.

TAMMY
Geez, fine, fine. Don’t get your panties in a bunch. I mean, if you were wearing any. Okay, can we open them now?

REN
Wait, Gale, where’s yours? You should have one too!

GALE
Oh, damn it. I mean, I do! I just left it at home. I’m so forgetful sometimes!

REN
Oh. Okay…

GALE
Open them on the count of three. One… two… three!

SFX: MAGICAL TWINKLING SOUND

REN
Oooh! So pretty!

NOELLE
Yeah, it’s like a rainbow of swirling dust!

TAMMY
(coughs) It… smells kinda weird.

NOELLE
What’s happening? I can’t feel my feet.

TAMMY
I can’t feel anything!

REN
My whole body’s frozen in place!

GALE
Ha! You’re all so BLEEPing gullible!

NOELLE
Gale, what’s going on? Why can’t we move?!

GALE
The powder you just inhaled is a paralyzing neurotoxin.

TAMMY
Why? What’s going on?!

NOELLE
Oh no, is Rose controlling her somehow?

GALE
Rose could never control me!

REN
Oh no, guys, I don’t think this is Gale, like, at all.

TAMMY
Who else would it be?!

REN
A shapeshifter!

GALE
Oh, finally. At least one of you isn’t a complete idiot.

SFX: SHAPESHIFT SQUISH

CAM
Someone give this girl a medal!

TAMMY
Chameleon?!

CAM
What was it you called me, Tammy, an alien assBLEEP?

TAMMY
More like an interstellar BLEEP.

CAM
Oooh impressive! Not as impressive as my acting, though.

TAMMY
Shut up! Wh-Why aren’t my powers working?!

NOELLE
I… can’t use mine, either! What about you, Ren?

REN
Go to sleep, go to sleep… Crap! Mine’s not working!

CAM
Those necklaces are power dampeners, you static BLEEPheads. 

NOELLE
What… what are you going to do with us?

CAM
Patience, my dear Crampus. Patience!

REN
Where’s the real Gale? Is she okay?

CAM
Oh, I’ve had her locked up for weeks.

TAMMY
What?! But I talked to Gale last week!

CAM
You talked to me last week. I sounded like Pippi Longstocking on cocaine and you didn’t even question it.

REN
So Gale isn’t taking off work to focus on school, she’s just… locked up in a cell somewhere?!

CAM
Pretty much! But she’s still alive… for now.

TAMMY
You Kromin piece of BLEEP! I’ll scream your arms off!

CAM
Yeah, good luck with that.

NOELLE
But Sophia said you couldn’t shift— you’d lose your baby!

CAM
I can’t shift into a male body, but Gale was fair game!

NOELLE
How does that even work?

CAM
Hold that thought, I need to turn off this lame music. It’s been driving me crazy.

SFX: CLICK, MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS

CAM
Ahh, that’s better. I just rearranged some organs and kept the fetus safely tucked away at the base of Gale’s tail. 

TAMMY
Why are you doing this?

CAM
I’m not one of your one-dimensional pun henchies, Tammy. I’m not just going to tell you my entire plan. I’ve been a hero long enough to know where the baddies drop the ball. They always reveal too much.

REN
Well, you’re certainly not a hero anymore.

CAM
I don’t give two tiny little mouse-sized BLEEPs about your opinion, Ren.  I can see you all for the inferior human scum that you are. All it took was an overly peppy gal pal and some massages to lower your defenses. 

TAMMY
Linus and Max will obviously know something’s up when I don’t come home.

CAM
And of course, I certainly couldn’t call Linus up on your phone and say something like…

SFX: SHAPESHIFT SQUISH

TAMMY
Hey, baby, I got a little carried away with the wine and I’m gonna crash at Ren’s tonight!

SFX: SHAPESHIFT SQUISH

CAM
Pretty simple. You’re all so predictable.

TAMMY
That’ll never work! You know I don’t call people!

CAM
Oooh, no. I’ll just send a text. That’s even easier. We all know your phone password is 6969.

REN
Great job, Tammy.

TAMMY
Damn it.

NOELLE
That might give you a day, tops, but after that, no amount of texting is going to prevent them from tracking us down!

REN
How could you possibly stop Cassie from popping in and saving the day like usual?

CAM
Oh, I hope your sister tries! I have a locket for her, too!

REN
I can’t believe this is you, Chameleon… You used to be so cool and edgy. You swear more than anyone I’ve ever met!

CAM
Aww, you’re makin’ me BLEEPin’ blush, kid! I’m still me.


TAMMY
So what’re you going to do with us?

CAM
I’m going to bring you losers to where we have Gale stashed, and then… you can mind your own BLEEPing business.

NOELLE
You said WE! That means you’re not doing this alone.

CAM
BLEEP you, it’s the “royal we.” Sovereign Supreme of the Kromin empire, ring a bell? 

REN
Yeah, right. Tell us the truth.

CAM
(sigh) If you must know, I’m working with Ploonjer. If you’d used your brains for like four BLEEPing seconds you could’ve easily figured that out.

TAMMY
Oh. Yeah, that tracks.

CAM
He designed the lockets, and the paralytic. Incredibly useful when he’s not being a simpering clown.

REN
So, what, you wanted to bring us together for a spa day so you could lock us away and take our places?

CAM
Have you not been paying attention for the last ten minutes? YES. And now I can use your voices and phones to lure in the rest of them.

TAMMY
So if Linus and Max come looking for me, that actually plays into your plan?

CAM
I don’t care how they all come to me. One by one, I’ll take out your entire group of wannabes.

NOELLE
I can’t believe we’re going to be bait.

CAM
Noelle, sweetie, you are such a tertiary character, I doubt anyone will even come for you. You’re only here because your job at the spa made this possible.

TAMMY
Hey, don’t be a BLEEP!

CAM
Oh, that’s rich coming from you, Tammy.

TAMMY
Eat me.

NOELLE
If I could use my powers right now, Chameleon, I’d give you an extreme case of lockjaw.

CAM
Oooo, you can do that? Oh, that sounds fun!

REN
What I don’t understand is why you want us. What’s the point?

CAM
Maybe you’re all just really annoying and I don’t want to deal with your drama.

TAMMY
The only thing that makes sense is that you’re after the Eternity Gems. I don’t know what you’d use them for, but that’s the only reason to take down Second Fiddles.

CAM
I don’t care about those stupid trinkets— that’s all Rose.

TAMMY
Rose?! Of course you’re working with that ancient ho bag!

CAM
Ah BLEEP it. You’re not going anywhere, so I might as well tell you. After we have the eternity gems, Rose can have her way with all of you superpowered asshats. I don’t give a BLEEP, I just want to be left alone to populate this planet with the Kromin race! Muahaha!

TAMMY
You were clearly forcing that evil laughter.

REN
Yeah, it was a little much.

CAM
You know what? You can shove my masterful guffaws up your morally superior asses.

NOELLE
Do you feel better now? You looked legitimately happy when you finished telling us your plans.

CAM
So cathartic! Now I know why so many villains reveal their plans prematurely.

TAMMY
There’s no way this’ll work on everyone. Max will read your mind the second you’re near him. He’ll know you’re not really Gale.

CAM
Well, duh, Tammy. Why the hell do you think Gale “wanted to take a break” from hero stuff? Max will be one of the last people I bring in, so he can’t warn anyone else. Him and Elijah– if he touches my skin, he’ll be able to see past my disguise.

TAMMY
Oh. Well, BLEEP you for being so prepared!

CAM
Tsk, tsk, Tammy. Without your powers, or your fists, you’re not much. Hmm, I wonder if anyone would get mad if I just killed you instead of locking you up…

REN
What’s WRONG with you? I know you’re an alien or whatever, and you think humans are beneath you, but there’s gotta be some of the old Chameleon left inside you!

CAM
The last thing someone left inside me led to this pregnancy, so I would know. Ren, I’m not a monster. Think of me like a giant BLEEPing goose. They migrate, they steal your fries, they BLEEP on your lawn, but they don’t agonize about it. It’s just who they are.

TAMMY
If you start honking at us, I swear to god…

CAM
If there’s an injured goose, the flock doesn’t wait. They leave it behind and keep flying. Does that make them evil? No, they just want to survive.

NOELLE
So, are we the injured goose in this analogy, or…?

CAM
If you have to ask, I am embarrassed for you.

REN
So you’re saying that the Kromin instinct to impregnate people and take over the world is driving you, and none of us matter anymore?

CAM
Took you long enough.

TAMMY
Does… does that mean Ploonjer is out there tricking and impregnating women with alien babies every day?

CAM
Ugh, I wish! That needy little pleeb has taken to identifying as male, and is apparently gayer than pulled pork. I should have never given him access to the internet!

TAMMY
Is… pulled pork gay?

CAM
Of course! Think about it.

TAMMY
Uhh, okay…

CAM
(annoyed sigh) Ploonjer only wants to bang dudes, so he’s useless.

REN
That proves your Kromin instincts aren’t everything, if they’re not controlling Ploonjer. It’s not too late for you!

CAM
He’s a garbage-baby, a lowly pilot promoted to captain a sinking ship. I’m the motherBLEEPing Sovereign Supreme! You, Max, Rose, none of you static BLEEPheads can stop me!

NOELLE
(sigh) Okay, well, if you’re going to transport us somewhere, could you just do it already?

REN
Yeah, seriously. I hate waiting.

CAM
You’re… not going to scream at me? Or try to convince me to let you go?

REN
What’s the point?

TAMMY
I’m really hungry. Is there any food where we’re going?

CAM
Shut up! I’m the one in control here!

TAMMY
Hey, I might not be able to feel my body or use my powers, but you’re insane if you think you can control me.

CAM
Note to self, bring a gag to future abductions.

TAMMY
I’ll give you something to gag on!

CAM
Was that a weird sexual advance?

TAMMY
I meant my BLEEPing boot, you shapeshifting BLEEP!

CAM
Now you’re just being ridiculous.

NOELLE
Ooo, should we start singing Christmas carols?

CAM
Go right ahead. Those lockets are sending your coordinates to a teleporter system at Rose’s ranch. You’ll be there in seconds!

REN
I like Christmas! I never get to sing without my powers knocking people out!

TAMMY
I got a good one! (clears throat, singing) On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to meeee.

REN/NOELLE/TAMMY
A partridge in a pear tree!

TAMMY
On the second day of Christmas—

SFX: TELEPORT

CAM
Oh thank god, nothing good ever comes from that song. (sigh) Okay, okay, now it’s time for Phase 3…

SFX: SHAPESHIFTING SQUISH

TAMMY (CAM)
Let’s do this.

SFX: PHONE RING

LINUS
Hey babe, what’s going on? You never call me.

TAMMY (CAM)
Linus, I need your help! The Yeastmaster kidnapped me, and my screams aren’t working on her! She forgot about my phone, and she just went out to pee, so I can’t stay on long!

LINUS
Tell me where you are! I’ll bring backup!

TAMMY (CAM)
I’m sending you a pin with my location. You don’t need backup, she can’t break your forcefields. Just come NOW or—

SFX: HANG UP BEEP

TAMMY
That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

SFX: SHAPESHIFTING SQUISH

CAM
These guys are way too easy. And BLEEP them for hating on my laugh! (evil laughter) Okay, maybe I am forcing it a bit. Son of a BLEEP!

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Ren is voiced by Kristy Barkan, Noelle is voiced by Gwen Brown, Gale is voiced by Betsy Harris, Chameleon is voiced by Allana Langen, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

To connect with us on social media, follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, and tumblr at Second Fiddles. We’re also on threads and blue sky. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thank you for listening!