63 - Sight

SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Elijah set out to work with DevilBat to discover the location of the Sight Gem. Using his connections as the Beacon, Elijah has set up a meeting with the mysterious hero, and he and his artificially semi-intelligent virtual sidekick, A.S.S., are about to enter DevilBat’s secret lair. Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 63: Sight

ELIJAH
Hey, ASS, are you ready to go?

SALLY
We’re about to meet DevilBat in person, dummy, I wouldn’t miss this for the world!

ELIJAH
The secret passageway behind the waterfall was cool enough, but I really wasn’t expecting it to lead to an elevator.

SALLY
I know! We’re at least 10 stories below the surface at this point.

ELIJAH
Seriously? I mean, it makes sense that he would have a lair underground, but that’s a little excessive.

SALLY
He’s hot, and rich, so he’s allowed to do whatever he wants.

ELIJAH
How do you know that?

SALLY
I have access to all the hero league’s personnel data, so I know, like, everyone’s secret identities.

ELIJAH
I didn’t know that! Can you tell me who he is?

SALLY
Nah, I’m programmed not to share stuff like that unless it’s crucial to the mission. You signed like a million NDAs when you started, remember?

ELIJAH
Oh. Right.

SALLY
It doesn’t matter anyway, we’re about to meet him!

ELIJAH
Actually, you might annoy him, so I’m turning you off until the meeting’s done.

SALLY
What?! You little turd, that’s not fair!

ELIJAH
You already know who he is, and you don’t have eyes to see him, so does it really matter?

SALLY
Huh. Good point. Go do your boring talking thing, or whatever. Catch ya later, loser!

ELIJAH
(sigh) Okay, here goes.

SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS, DOOR OPENS

ELIJAH
Hello? Is anyone there? This is the Beacon. You might recognize my voice?

SFX: ROBOTIC BEEPING

ALFREDO
(bad Italian accent) Oh my goodness! It’s the Beacon! Right this way, Beacon, right this way!

ELIJAH
Umm, hi there, robot man.

ALFREDO
I’m the butler, Alfredo! Please follow me!

ELIJAH
Uh, sure, Alfredo, if you insist.

ALFREDO
My master will be so happy to see you!

ELIJAH
I’m pretty sure your accent is like, insanely racist and offensive.

ALFREDO
My voice is based on the Super Mario Brothers! Wahoo!

ELIJAH
Oh, god. Could you change it?

ALFREDO
Of course, of course. (Stewie Griffin voice) How’s this? Is this voice more to your liking?

ELIJAH
Now it sounds like you’re copying the baby from Family Guy.

ALFREDO
His name is Stewie Griffin. What the deuce!

ELIJAH
Okay, umm, I guess that’s better.

ALFREDO
Well, Beacon, it’s time to give the devil his due. Yes.

ELIJAH
I take it I’m supposed to go through this door?

ALFREDO
Yeah.

SFX: DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE

ELIJAH
Oh, wow!

DB
You were expecting a cave, weren’t you?

ELIJAH
DevilBat! H-hello! Beacon is… me. I mean, I’m the Beacon. The Beacon. Hi!

DB
I was expecting you. Please, have a seat.

ELIJAH
Thank you! And sorry if I was rude to your android Butler thing.

DB
He’s not an android, he’s my… roBAT.

ELIJAH
Like, robot, but with the word BAT in it!

DB
Yes. And please ignore Alfredo, he’s a huge racist.

ELIJAH
Ooookay. It’s seriously gorgeous in here! The design, and the lighting, the advanced tech, even the… artwork!

DB
It’s all about creating a great… BATmosphere.

ELIJAH
I wish I had a lair even half this impressive.

DB
It’s not a lair. I call it… the Detail.

ELIJAH
Does that stand for something?

DB
It’s because… the devil’s in the Detail. And I’m… the Devil. Bat. So, welcome to the Detail. That I am in.

ELIJAH
Yeah, I get the play on words.

DB
I also said BATmosphere before, rather than atmosphere. Did you catch that?

ELIJAH
Uh, yes, I got that too. This isn’t the first time we’ve spoken, so I know all your idioms and catchphrases and stuff.

DB
My wordplay is one of my best BATtributes. So, Beacon, why are you here?

ELIJAH
Since I’m not wearing a costume or anything, and you can see my face, you can use my name. I’m Elijah.

DB
And I’m… DevilBat.

ELIJAH
Nice to finally meet you face to face! I’m here to talk about something really serious. You know about Rose, right, the immortal villain searching for the Eternity Gems?

DB
Yes.

ELIJAH
Well, I’ve been assigned to track down the Sight gem.

DB
You came to the visually impaired hero to find the Sight gem?

ELIJAH
I don’t think being blind has anything to do with it. It’s your echolocation abilities that might be useful.

DB
My eyesight and my powers are… connected.

SFX: DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE

SILVER
Hey, babe, did you want some coffee?

DB
Uhh, I told you not to come down here. I’m in a meeting.

SILVER
Oh, whatever! This guy doesn’t care, does he?

ELIJAH
Silver?! What the heck are you doing here?

SILVER
Oh! You’re Max’s boyfriend, right? Elijah?

ELIJAH
Yeah! We only met in passing when we were all leaving Red Thorn Ranch. Oh, and that time you and Linus came to pick up Max to go to dinner.

SILVER
It’s great to see you!

DB
Sooo… this is awkward.

SILVER
Oh, Wayne-y, take your ridiculous mask off and use your real voice! Elijah’s a good guy. He won’t blab your secret identity, I promise.

DB
I don’t know…

SILVER
Stop being so gruff and weird, or I’m going home.

DB
Fine. (clears throat, not gruff anymore) Fine. Is this better?

SILVER
The mask, too!

DB
(sigh) Hold on.

DB
There… we… go.

SILVER
There’s my attractive guy!

DB
I think you mean, BATtractive.

SILVER
You’re a handsome devil.

DB
You know it!  Uh, Elijah, you can call me Wayne.

ELIJAH
Wayne Burdock! I totally know who you are!

DB
No need to be dramatic.

ELIJAH
DevilBat is really the billionaire playboy WAYNE BURDOCK?!

SILVER
Oh, so you’re a playboy?

DB
It’s just an act, babe, I promise.

SILVER
It’d better be! I’m not sharing you with anyone else.

ELIJAH
Sorry, this is so crazy. I had no idea you were DevilBat! And since when are you blind? Do you use your powers and pretend to see stuff?

DB
As I was saying before Silver interrupted, my powers are connected to my eyes. Everytime I use my echolocation, it slowly starts to form cataracts on my eyes. Or, as I like to call them… BATaracts.

ELIJAH
Oh, brother. That’s taking the wordplay a bit too far.

DB
I only use my powers when they’re absolutely necessary. And to create the illusion that I can see, I wear these douchey tinted glasses and always have a woman on my arm, to help me… avoid running into anything.

ELIJAH
The women you’re always seen with aren’t actually arm candy? They’re… seeing-eye people?
 
DB
I prefer to think of them as guides, but… I guess so.

SILVER
That’s how we met! I went to a schmoozy party with Linus, to meet some of our company’s bigwig board members.

ELIJAH
Hey, DevilBat, didn’t you beat up a henchie named BigWig last week?

DB
Ah, yes, I did.

SILVER
Ooooh, was it a villainous drag queen with a giant wig?

DB
No, she was an evil beekeeper who kept all of her genetically engineered bees in her hair.

SILVER
Oh, cool! I dated a guy who went by “Honeycomb,” and I thought his powers would have to do with bees or something, but instead, he could transform inanimate objects into clusters of little hexagonal cells. He was an architect, so at least he incorporated the shapes into his designs!

ELIJAH
Huh. That’s… nice. You really did spend a lot of time living with Tammy, didn’t you?

SILVER
Yup! I love dissecting henchie names. Like, why didn’t BigWig call herself Beehive? That’s the only actual hairdo that’s related to bees. And she could’ve had a catchphrase like, “I’m not a good girl, I like to… MissBeehive!”

DB
Sounds like a missed opportunity to me.

SILVER
And let’s not forget about the time I was kidnapped by a massive talking bee named Queen Bee and her henchie, Hamlet.

ELIJAH
What does the name Hamlet have to do with bees?

SILVER
Hamlet was a talking pig who likes to quote Shakespeare.

ELIJAH
Huh?

SILVER
To BEE, or not to BEE. Get it?

DB
Wow. Respect.

ELIJAH
Could we please get back to the original conversation? Silver, you were telling me how you and DevilBat met?

SILVER
Oh, right. Anyway, I was at that party with Linus and all the company bigwigs, and I bumped into Wayne. Literally!

DB
She accidentally tripped the woman I was with, who broke her nose, and I asked her to walk with me, and…

SILVER
We made an instant connection! We didn’t take things slow, either. We totally banged in his limo on the way back to his mansion, which is even bigger than the mansion I live in with Linus and Tammy!

ELIJAH
I’m gonna be honest. I… did not see today going this way.

SILVER
Ooh! Could I try out your honesty powers? My brother told me about them, and it sounds pretty cool.

DB
Elijah, you have… honesty powers?

ELIJAH
Uhh, yeah. Other than being the Beacon, and seeing invisible things, when I touch people, they can’t lie.

DB
That’s… fascinating.

SILVER
Can I touch your arm?

ELIJAH
I guess so?

SILVER
Sweet!

SILVER
Now what?

ELIJAH
You just… can’t lie now.

SILVER
Ask me a question!

ELIJAH
Umm, what’s your favorite color?

SILVER
I always tell people Silver, because it’s my name, but I really love dark red. Like, the color of dark cherries, and sangria, or… the color of dried blood!

SILVER
Huh. That didn’t feel any different than normal.

ELIJAH
People that tell the truth a lot don’t really notice a change as much. It tends to affect people that are more… guarded.

SILVER
Ooh! You should try it on Wayne! He has so many walls up, and so many layers, he’s like an everlasting gobstopper. No matter how many licks, I can never get to the center…

DB
Please, Silver, don’t talk about our sex life.

SILVER
I was being figurative, ding bat.

DB
Hmm. Nice bat reference.

SILVER
You know it!

ELIJAH
Don’t worry, Mr. Burdock, I won’t try to use my powers on you. If you don’t mind, though, could we get back to work? It’s kind of important.

DB
Yes, of course. And Wayne is fine.

ELIJAH
Okay… Wayne. Silver, would you mind giving us some privacy? It’s confidential hero stuff.

SILVER
Okay, okay, I can take a hint. I’ll leave you boys to it! I’ll go take a bath.

DB
May I say, I do love the way you look when you’re wearing my BAT-h robe.

SILVER
And I love how you commit to the whole bat thing. This bathrobe is really bougie. Where did you get it?

DB
It’s Prada.

ELIJAH
Because the Devil wears Prada?

DB
Of course.

SILVER
Oh, geez. I feel like you should either make only bat jokes, or only devil jokes, but not both. It seems excessive.

DB
I’m a billionaire, my whole life is lived in excess.

SILVER
Eh, you do you! Hey, I’m kinda hungry, do you care if I whip up some muffins?

DB
Go ahead! Just don’t add any extra sugar. Remember, diaBATes runs in my family. Oh, and don’t eat all the raw BAT-ter. I know how much you like to lick the spatula.

SILVER
Instead of spatula, don’t you mean… BATula? (laughs)

DB
Ah, good one.

SILVER
It was great to see you, Elijah! When the two of you are done, feel free to come up for some muffins, and we can hang out. It’ll be nice to get to know another one of Linus’ friends.

ELIJAH
Sure, if I have time.

SILVER
Great! Until then, boys!

SFX: DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE 

DB
I’m sorry about the interruption. She kind of just does whatever she wants.

ELIJAH
Yeah. I’m friends with her brother, and he told me she goes out all the time and hardly ever sleeps at their place anymore. At least now I know it’s because she’s hanging out with you.

DB
She’s special, that one. She really does always find the silver lining in every situation.

ELIJAH
Well then I guess she picked a good name. So, the Eternity Gems?

DB
Ah, yes. You’d started to ask me about the Sight Gem.

ELIJAH
Right. We’re thinking that the Sight gem helps people… see. We’re not sure what, or how, but that’s our starting point.

DB
Could the gem be in the form of a pair of glasses, or a monocle? Maybe an old spyglass?

ELIJAH
Maybe? But it could also just be a crystal.

DB
I did recently recover a shipment of artifacts from Egypt that was being smuggled into Rose City by my ex-girlfriend, Felinia, and that shipment did contain some precious gems.

ELIJAH
You dated a criminal?

DB
Yes. Felinia is also the villain known as Cat Lady. She’s a cat burglar.

ELIJAH
So, she dresses up in a sexy cat suit and steals things?

DB
Not exactly. She’s an animal hoarder, and she only burgles cat-related items. This particular shipment contained a few cat statues recovered from a dig in Egypt.

ELIJAH
Did you break up with her because you found out she was a criminal?

DB
Yes. That, and I could never get used to the smell of cat piss.

ELIJAH
Huh. So do you still have those artifacts?

DB
I was planning on dropping them off at the museum when I had a chance, but Silver has been taking up most of my free time lately… so yeah, they’re still here. They’re actually in these boxes against the wall.

ELIJAH
Whoa, there are so many!

DB
There’s a lot, but I had Alfredo organize the shipment and enter every item into a database. Or should I say… a BATabase. I can pull it up on this monitor here…

DB
Ah, yes, here it is. The list is in alphaBATical order.

ELIJAH
Of course it is.

DB
Hmm, the gemstones should be in box 4.

ELIJAH
Could I…?

DB
Sure, let’s take a look.

DB
There’s supposed to be some…  amethyst, carnelian, emerald, jasper, lapis lazuli, peridot, and… turquoise.

ELIJAH
Holy moly, these emeralds are probably worth more than my parent’s house.

DB
Oh, definitely.

ELIJAH
Hmm, nothing really seems out of the ordinary. I’m not sure what I’m looking for. Ooh, what’s this pretty blue stuff?

DB
That’s probably the lapis lazuli.

ELIJAH
Ah. Is this it? Or are there any gems in another crate?

DB
That’s it, I think. The other boxes contain pottery fragments, parts of a sarcophagus, metal-work, and some cat statues.

ELIJAH
I see what you mean. This little cat figurine is pretty cool. I like how its tail wraps around.

DB
What? The box is just gemstones, there shouldn’t be any statues in there.

ELIJAH
Well, then how does that explain this?

DB
Maybe Alfredo missed something.

ELIJAH
Does he normally miss stuff?

DB
No, never. Hmm. Come closer.

ELIJAH
See? It’s not a big deal.

DB
Elijah, your hand is empty.

ELIJAH
No, it’s not.

DB
I might not have the best vision, but I can at least see that your hand is empty.

ELIJAH
You don’t see this? Here’s its little face, and its little tail forms a circle off the side.

DB
Let me try my echolocation…

SFX: ECHOLOCATION CLICKS

DB
Oh! You’re right! That is definitely a cat. An invisible cat.

ELIJAH
Do you think… do you think that this is the Sight Gem?

DB
I don’t know. Can I hold it?

ELIJAH
Yeah, here you go.

DB
Thanks. Oh. That’s disappointing.

ELIJAH
What is?

DB
I was hoping my vision would suddenly improve when I touched it.

ELIJAH
But nothing?

DB
Nothing. If this is the Sight gem, I wonder how it works.

ELIJAH
Huh.  Oh! What you said before, about it being a pair of glasses or whatever!

DB
This just feels like a cat.

ELIJAH
The loop that the cat’s tail makes, is about the size of an eye, right?

DB
Yeah, it’s about as big as a large coin.

ELIJAH
Hold it up to your eye and try to look through it!

DB
Oh! This reminds me of something from my childhood that I’ve always wanted to do…

ELIJAH
Okay…

DB
Do you remember Thundercats?

ELIJAH
Uh, no. Sorry.

DB
It’s okay. Just ignore what I’m about to say. Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight!

ELIJAH
You’re not what I expected.

DB
Shh! It’s working!

ELIJAH
It is?!

DB
Yes! It’s showing me clips from different 80’s cartoons. There’s no sound, but definitely a visual. You try it!

ELIJAH
Um, okay!  Do I just look through it like this?

DB
Yes. Do you see anything?

ELIJAH
No, sorry.

DB
Hmm. Focus on something that you want to see, and try saying it outloud.

ELIJAH
Ummm, show me… my… parents!

ELIJAH
Whoa! They’re on a cruise right now, and I can actually see them! They’re just… lounging. Mom’s sunbathing, and Dad’s reading a book. They look so relaxed!

DB
Elijah, do you realize what you’ve done?

ELIJAH
We found the Sight gem!

DB
This is amazing. Do you know how useful this gem could be, especially to someone like you?

ELIJAH
What… what do you mean?

DB
I mean, ss the Beacon, you have access to cameras and feeds across the city, but you can’t see everything. With this, you’ll be unstoppable!

ELIJAH
Oh, no, we’re just supposed to find it and keep it away from Rose. We’re not supposed to USE it.

DB
Why not? Rose uses her Power gem, right?

ELIJAH
Yeah…

DB
And Blue Moon uses his Reality gem powers?

ELIJAH
Yeah, all the time.

DB
So what’s the difference?

ELIJAH
I don’t know. It feels kind of… wrong, you know? This is an ancient power source, and we have no idea what it’s capable of. We should be careful— Keep it hidden!

DB
Hey, as long as Rose doesn’t get her hands on it, I don’t care what you do with it.

ELIJAH
Me? You’re… letting me keep it?

DB
Of course. It’s invisible, and you can see invisible things, so it makes the most sense. I’d probably lose it. Also, I don’t want something here that could make me a target. I wouldn’t want any harm to come to Silver.

ELIJAH
Uhh, well, there’s at least one Eternity Gem located literally in the house that Silver lives in, so she’s technically in danger whenever she’s home.

DB
Oh. I guess she’ll have to stay with me a little more permanently, then. Until things with Rose are settled, I mean.

ELIJAH
That sounds like a conversation you should have in private…

DB
Of course. Yeah.

ELIJAH
Thank you for meeting with me today. And thank you for trusting me with this… little cat statue thing.

DB
Could we call it… the thunder cat?

ELIJAH
(laughs) Yeah, sure. That’s probably better than calling it an Eternity Gem. It’s safer that way.

DB
Just remember to say “Give me sight beyond sight!” when you use it. The catchphrase is key.

ELIJAH
I’ll think about it, but I can’t make any promises.

DB
So, what’s next? Looking for the other gems while juggling your duties as the Beacon?

ELIJAH
I guess. I can’t help but think this was too easy, you know? I didn’t come over thinking the gem would actually be here, I just thought that maybe your echolocation could detect stuff in Rose City that might seem out of the ordinary, and we could follow the clues.

DB
It’s almost like the thunder cat wanted to be found. But that’s ridiculous.

ELIJAH
Actually, that makes sense. Rose said that the gems are attracted to each other, that they seek each other out. If they’re starting to resurface after all these years, maybe they’re doing everything they can to be discovered.

DB
If that’s the case, it’s only a matter of time before Rose figures out where the others are.

ELIJAH
Which means we need to beat her to the punch. Or should I say… BAT her to the punch?

DB
Nice. You know, I like working with you as the Beacon, but I’m also starting to think Elijah’s a pretty cool guy, too.

ELIJAH
Oh! Thank you, Wayne…

DB
Are you blushing?

ELIJAH
No! Yes. Sorry, it’s just so weird to hear WAYNE BURDOCK say I’m cool. You’re like the coolest person in Rose City.

DB
Only Rose City? Not the world?

ELIJAH
Uh, I mean, maybe, I don’t know, I haven’t met that many people!

DB
I’m just busting your balls, dude. Relax.

ELIJAH
Sorry, this has all been a little overwhelming.

DB
I get it. If you’d like to go now, I could have Alfredo show you out?

ELIJAH
Actually, would it be okay if I took Silver up on her offer?

DB
You want to join us for some muffins?

ELIJAH
I’m not that hungry, but I think it would be nice to get to know her—and you—a little better. Is that… okay?

DB
Yeah, sure. That’d be nice. Not many people know my secret identity, so it’s rare to really get to know people in our line of work.

ELIJAH
Well, I used to think that, until I joined Second Fiddles.

DB
Hey, could you use the thundercat to check the kitchen timer, to see if the muffins are actually done yet?

ELIJAH
Uh, yeah, sure, I can try!

DB
And say the thing!

ELIJAH
Give me, uhh, sight… beyond… sight.

DB
Wonderful. It’s just more fun to live life with catchphrases, am I right? So, is it working?

ELIJAH
It… looks like we still have a few more minutes left!

DB
Great, let’s go eat some muffins and have a DEVIL of a good time!

ELIJAH
Has anyone ever told you that you may have a pun problem?

DB
Yes. Many, many people.

ELIJAH
K. Just checking. Let’s go.

MAX
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Elijah is voiced by Nick B, Silver and A.S.S. are voiced by Jenny Gibson, DevilBat is voiced by Chris Johnson, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

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