62 - Strategy

SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Rose is determined to find the Eternity Gems, but the Second Fiddles are trying their best to play defense. I have called a meeting with Max, Tammy, and Elijah to develop a strategy for identifying and locating the Gems. Knowing how prone the team is to tangents, let’s hope it doesn’t take two hours to actually discuss the plot. This is what I get for having such eccentric friends. Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 62: Strategy

TAMMY
Before you all say anything, yes, I know I’m late.

MAX
Finally! We’ve been waiting forever!

SOPHIA
Don’t mind your brother, Tammy. We have only been waiting an additional 16 minutes and 20 seconds.

TAMMY
I’m sorry! I was… busy!

MAX
Doing what? Linus?

TAMMY
No, Maxi, I was…

MAX
Eww, does this have to do with lady period stuff or something?

TAMMY
I swear, you haven’t matured a day past 13.

MAX
Oh yeah, like you’re the epitome of maturity!

SOPHIA
Are you okay, Tammy, or do you simply have poor time management?

TAMMY
I was gardening, okay? I was weeding, and… (sigh) I lost track of time. Happy?

MAX
Ummm, are you sure you’re not still brainwashed from your time in the cult?

TAMMY
When I was at Red Thorn Ranch, I really liked my time in the greenhouse and the gardens, so now, when I’m feeling angry, or stressed, being around plants calms me down.

MAX
After you came home, and you said you had a green thumb, I thought you were kidding.

TAMMY
Why?

MAX
I don’t know, I thought it was a fingering joke!

TAMMY
No hole should dye your fingers green!

MAX
You never know!

TAMMY
And it wouldn’t be fingering, it would be… thumbing!

MAX
Sophia, could you help me out here?

SOPHIA
She’s right. A thumb is technically not a finger, but it’s not worth fighting over. It’s mostly just semantics.

MAX
You’re no help.

SOPHIA
Maybe not to you. I’m proud of you for developing a hobby that isn’t centered around drinking boxed wine or shattering ear drums.

TAMMY
Thanks, I think. You know, I read somewhere that singing to plants helps them grow, so I’ve been using my sonic powers to sing little songs to the flowers. It’s probably stupid. I’m just spewing CO2 on them, right? And that helps plants?

MAX
Hey, as long as you’re happy, right?

TAMMY
I guess. It’s just so pretty out there. Linus’ mansion has a bunch of gardens and… I can’t help myself!

SOPHIA
You don’t always have to call it Linus’ mansion, you know. You live there too.

TAMMY
I know, but it’s just so weird. I feel like I’m staying in a hotel, or on a really long vacation, you know?

MAX
No, I don’t know, because you two never asked me to move in with you, even though you knew I was having trouble affording this apartment!

ELIJAH
Don’t be rude!

TAMMY
Jesus, BLEEP, Elijah! Have you been here the whole time?

ELIJAH
Seriously? Still? It’s not like I’m hiding or standing in the corner or anything!

TAMMY
I’m kidding. Lighten up! How could anyone miss you? You’re tall and your hair looks like it’s on fire.

MAX
On fire because it’s red, or because he’s so… hot?

ELIJAH
That was so cheesy.

MAX
Hey, it’s not my fault you’re so handsome!

ELIJAH
Stop it!

SALLY
Seriously, stop it. You’re gonna make me puke, and I don’t even have a mouth!

ELIJAH
Oh, sorry! I forgot to deactivate her.

SALLY
Please put me to sleep. You two are so corny, my feet hurt!

MAX
What?

ELIJAH
Because corns grow on feet, hun. We’re corny. Get it?

MAX
Ohhh. Since when did A.S.S. start using puns?

SALLY
Since when have you been an idiotic butt pirate?

ELIJAH
Ugh. Goodnight, A.S.S..

ELIJAH
Sorry about that. She’s a little much.

SOPHIA
Despite her terrible attitude, she has really helped you kick serious butt as the Beacon. You’re doing a phenomenal job.

ELIJAH
Aww, thanks, Sophia. That means a lot, coming from you.

TAMMY
Is this everyone now? Just the four of us?

SOPHIA
Yes. You’ll be able to fill Linus in when he’s back from checking in with his cousin April at Montgomery Innovations, correct?

TAMMY
Yeah, yeah. No prob.

SOPHIA
Splendid. Now, we need to develop a strategy for locating the Eternity Gems before Rose.

TAMMY
We can start with the Gems that MacGuffin collected. We know from Cassie and Blue Moon’s meeting with Fourth Wall where the Time Gem is. Having personally been trapped in a time loop made by the Gem, I am not a fan.

MAX
Yeah, I’m still terrified to go near that bathroom.

TAMMY
Heh, I still can’t believe you got stuck in a time poop.

MAX
Don’t remind me!

ELIJAH
Okay, so, I take it we can’t just walk in there and pick the Time gem up?

TAMMY
We can enter the room, since the time loop that MacGuffin created for Sally’s birthday was completed, and we can even go over to the music box we know the gem is in, but whenever we try to touch or pick up the box, time loops back to five seconds before we tried to touch it.

SOPHIA
Ah. So it appears to have its own built-in defense mechanism. That’s good to know. At least whatever is preventing you from acquiring the gem would presumably also stop Rose, should she catch wind of its location.

ELIJAH
We still don’t know what MacGuffin other gem was, right?

SOPHIA
Correct. It’s either the Spirit, Sight, or Dream Gem.

MAX
Because Blue Moon’s ass is the Reality Gem.

ELIJAH
And Rose already has the Power Gem.

SOPHIA
Also correct.

TAMMY
What do you think the Spirit Gem does? Do you think it has to do with talking to ghosts or something? Like, contacting spirits?

SOPHIA
The word “spirit” has multiple meanings. It could be referring to making off with something, as in “the Eternity Gem was spirited away.”

ELIJAH
What if it means spirit, like, someone’s soul? Would that make sense?

SOPHIA
Yes. There are many options, which makes the Spirit Gem perhaps the most enigmatic.

TAMMY
Uhh, let’s revisit that one later. Let’s start with the Dream Gem. I think we should talk to Lucid Lucy.

MAX
Do we think the Dream Gem could be hidden in the dreamworld? Is that why?

SOPHIA
There’s no such thing as the dreamworld. Every time someone dreams, they create a new psychic dreamscape that Lucy can access, but dreams are not all connected to one another.

MAX
Oh. That’s less exciting. I was really hoping for a mission where we get to travel into dreams, and fight, like, weird dream monsters, or memories from our past, or something.

ELIJAH
That actually sounds terrifying.

TAMMY
Yeah, no thank you.

SOPHIA
Max, Lucid Lucy is a very skilled telepath who is able to access people’s thoughts while they’re dreaming. If the Dream Gem causes people to dream, she might be able to detect it somehow. She’s certainly our best bet.

MAX
That makes sense. Is someone going to call her and fill her in?

SOPHIA
I plan on calling her sidekick, Crampus, to discuss it further. She’s much easier to talk to than Lucid Lucy.

TAMMY
I still can’t believe Noelle went back to sidekicking for her. She was so happy at Red Thorn Ranch…

ELIJAH
Ugh, it still makes me feel guilty. Tammy, when we were trying to break in to rescue you and take down the Order of the Rose, we really thought we’d be doing everyone a favor.

TAMMY
I’m glad you did, but the part of me that was at peace there honestly misses how it made me feel. I was clearly brainwashed by the end, but Blue Moon’s hypnosis stuff really made me happy.

MAX
Happiness isn’t a state of being, Tam, it’s just an emotion. No one should be happy all the time.

TAMMY
If you’d felt it, you’d understand. Imagine not having your anxiety anymore.

MAX
I literally can’t. Being anxious defines so much of who I am as a person. And a hero. I’m overly cautious, and I follow rules for a reason. It sounds weird, but I’ve finally started to like who I am, and I wouldn’t want to change such a major part of my personality.

ELIJAH
Tell that to the Max who screamed for 10 minutes last night asking me to bring a fly outside rather than swat it.

MAX
Hey! Insects don’t really have thoughts, but you know I can’t be around when something’s killed, in case I can hear its death scream in my head!

TAMMY
Is this because of that time you saw that dog get hit by a car?

MAX
No! Why the BLEEP would you bring that up!?

TAMMY
Oops, sorry.

MAX
I was thinking about the Stag. When he was lying there, dying, before he transferred his life-force into me, I didn’t just hear his final thoughts, I felt them. It was…

ELIJAH
Hey, hun, let’s not talk about this anymore.

SOPHIA
Yes, good idea, Elijah.

MAX
Thanks.

TAMMY
What were we talking about?

SOPHIA
The Dream Gem. I’m going to call Noelle to coordinate things with her hero, Lucid Lucy.

TAMMY
Oh, right.

ELIJAH
So we’re working on the Dream Gem, and we know where the Time Gem is, and the Spirit Gem is confusing, so that leaves what, the Sight Gem?

SOPHIA
Yes, and I believe that we should—

MAX
What do we think the Sight gem does? Maybe it’s used to see into the future!

SOPHIA
Max, I think we should go to the—

TAMMY
Ooooh, or look into the past!

SOPHIA
Seriously, you need to stop with the—

ELIJAH
Maybe it would be like using Fourth Wall or MacGuffin’s powers. You know, clairvoyance?

SOPHIA
If you don’t stop interrupting me, I’m going to lose my cool and bash a hole through your poorly assembled coffee table.

MAX
Hey! It’s not my fault I’m terrible at following Ikea instructions! They should write them better.

SOPHIA
Yes, Max. Yes, it is clearly your fault.

MAX
We’re not all superpowered smartypants.

TAMMY
Heh, you’re more like… idiotpants.

MAX
Bite me, Tampon!

ELIJAH
Give it a rest, you two! I almost miss when Tammy didn’t exist.

TAMMY
I love you too.

SOPHIA
(clears throat) I was trying to tell you that I’ve already conferred with members of the A and B leagues, and we think there are two heroes best suited to locating the Sight Gem.

TAMMY
Really? You went over our heads?

ELIJAH
Well, Sophia IS in the A-league.

SOPHIA
Thank you, Elijah. And yes, did you really think we would leave the fate of the world in the hands of a few former sidekicks? No offense, but your total combined hero experience is still less than my father, Smasher’s career, let alone the other established heroes.

MAX
But we saved the planet from the Threat!

SOPHIA
You didn’t do that alone, Max. Even though the journal entry that Linus wrote to his mother detailing the battle, which became Episode 42 of the podcast, gave credit to only the Second Fiddles, and that’s all the listeners would be familiar with, Linus was a slightly unreliable narrator.

TAMMY
Are my eyes glazing over? When she talks like this, I really have trouble following.

MAX
It’s okay, I never understand her.

SOPHIA
During the battle for Rose City, the A and B leagues were just as involved as the rest of us. Phaser, Dino Danny, CockadoodleDude, DevilBat, and the Big Guns were fighting off Threat drones downtown, while Bionic Billy, Lucid Lucy, and Heroine Bear headed up the efforts to protect the innocent bystanders being slaughtered in the streets. Linus’ story left out all of those details to make us look a little cooler, to impress his mother.

MAX
Well, we were still the ones who saved the day.

SOPHIA
Using MY plan, with help from Chameleon.

MAX
Speaking of Cam, does anyone know where they are?

SOPHIA
Please, let us focus on strategizing. Chameleon has nothing to do with this.

TAMMY
An evil alien on the loose with plans to replace the human race is… kind of an issue we shouldn’t sweep under the rug.

SOPHIA
I wish I could sweep the two of you under a rug right now.

ELIJAH
Yeah, guys, just stop it, okay? When you’re together, your sibling bickering makes you like 10 times more triggering. You never know when to let up.

MAX
Ugh! You’re right. Of course you’re right. I’m sorry, Sophia.

TAMMY
Me too.

ELIJAH
I know what Chameleon means to you, and I know you’re hurting. We can talk about this later, if you want. Just you and me.

SOPHIA
Thank you. That would— that would be nice. And to clarify, I know that Chameleon is a loose end we need to tie up, but we luckily have about 6 months until they’ll be considerably more dangerous. I thought my story arc this season was going to be getting the old Chameleon back, but for the time being, Rose should be our priority.

ELIJAH
Okay. Sounds like a plan to me.

TAMMY
Wait, what about Ploonjer? Isn’t he on the run, too?

SOPHIA
Yes, both Ploonjer and Baby Stevie are unaccounted for.

MAX
Aww, I hope Stevie’s okay.

SOPHIA
Chameleon doesn’t care about anything but the Kromin race right now, so as a fellow Kromin, I’m sure Stevie is being cared for. As for Ploonjer, he is most likely serving at the whim of his “Sovereign Supreme.”

ELIJAH
Aren’t you worried that Ploonjer is going around impregnating women all across Rose City? That’s the Kromin prime directive!

SOPHIA
We don’t say “prime directive” because we refuse to rip off Star Trek. We instead use the term “biological imperative.”

ELIJAH
You know what I meant.

SOPHIA
One of the things Cam told me on our… on our date, after the build-a-bear trip, but before the kissing and betrayal, was that Ploonjer is choosing to use male pronouns now, and he is decidedly not attracted to female-presenting humans. Let’s hope that prevents him from impregnating hundreds of people for now…

ELIJAH
Especially if he’s still using my face.

MAX
Eww, I don’t want to imagine you being all hetero with someone’s lady parts!

TAMMY
What’s wrong with lady parts?

MAX
I don’t know. As a vegetarian, I don’t spend much time around tuna.

TAMMY
I’d normally be offended, but that reminds me of a henchie I met last week. Her name is “Tuna Turner.” Like Tina Turner. But with Tuna.

MAX
Mmhmm. I’m just waiting for the punchline.

TAMMY
She became extremely bitter after her ex-husband cheated on her with a stripper, so she started posing as a “private dancer” at a club, and she maimed the men who would try to cheat on their wives with her. Her catchphrase was:  “What’s love got to do with it?”

MAX
Okay, I clearly get the references, but why is her name Tuna Turner? Is she a reverse mermaid like the henchie Red Herring?

TAMMY
You know, I never thought to ask!

MAX
Seriously?! So anticlimactic.

SOPHIA
I can’t tell if you two are oblivious, or if you’re trying to upset me on purpose. Either way, I don’t appreciate it.

ELIJAH
I’m so sorry about them, Sophia. So, you said before that the leagues recommended two heroes to find the Sight Gem, right? Who did they say?

SOPHIA
We agreed on DevilBat, and… you, Elijah.

ELIJAH
Me!? Work with DevilBat?

MAX
I’m so jealous! DevilBat is the coolest!

TAMMY
If you’re into masked, brooding heroes with gravelly voices.

ELIJAH
Sophia, why was I brought up?

SOPHIA
Your new ability to see things hidden from sight might prove to be useful. That, and your performance as the Beacon has impressed everyone thus far.

MAX
Aww, see? They love you! And you were worried.

ELIJAH
Really? They… like me?

SOPHIA
Of course! You’re a diligent worker, and clever, easy to get along with, and most importantly, compassionate. There have been literally no complaints.

ELIJAH
Wow. I… uhh, I don’t have words. Thank you.

TAMMY
Yeah, yeah, we all love Elijah, I get it. Why was DevilBat chosen?

SOPHIA
DevilBat, like Elijah, can see invisible things by using his echolocation. However, it’s more than that. He is also a tech genius with nearly unlimited resources. Not many know this, but the late A-league hero, Bionic Brian—who himself built his replacement hero, Bionic Billy, and developed the entire Beacon system that Elijah now uses—was the creation of DevilBat.

MAX
Wait a minute, so DevilBat isn’t only a visually impaired superhero with insane fighting skills, but in his normal life, he’s a super-genius?

SOPHIA
Pretty much.

MAX
Sweet! I call dibs!

SOPHIA
Dibs on what?

MAX
On being the one to meet with him! One of us needs to go talk to him, right?

SOPHIA
Well, yes, but did you completely ignore the part when I said that Elijah will be working with him?

MAX
Oh. Dammit! Honey, do you need an assistant, or, like, a sidekick for this mission? I promise, I won’t freak out and ask for his autograph.

ELIJAH
Um, we’ll need to be discreet, considering how private he is, so you should probably stay home for this one…

MAX
Pleeeease? Just this once? I’ll do anything. You want sexual favors? You GOT sexual favors. You want me to clean the bathtub? You’ll be able to eat outta that thing!

ELIJAH
Aww, Max, I’m sorry, but this is too risky. We need him to trust me. Hey, maybe we’ll end up becoming friends, down the line… I could introduce you to each other. Does that work?

MAX
Fine. I will be crossing my fingers, my toes, and my antlers.

TAMMY
That sounds painful…

SOPHIA
I love you all, but sometimes your lack of focus causes me physical pain.

TAMMY
Maxi, I’m just starting to get the hint that we should let Sophia and Elijah talk strategy. Like, with us not in the room.

MAX
Well, she knew what she was getting when she invited both of us, so that’s on her.

SOPHIA
For once, Max is actually correct. I knew what I was getting into.

MAX
Ha-ha!

SOPHIA
With everything going on with Rose, and with… Chameleon, I think I just wanted to feel normal again. Like old times.

ELIJAH
Yeah, nothing says “classic Second Fiddles” quite like these two arguing until we roll our eyes in silent judgment.

SOPHIA
Oh, my judgment was never silent. Neither was Ren’s. We were always very honest about our disapproval of their sibling banter.

ELIJAH
Huh. I guess you’re right. I was the only silent one because I was doing the invisible spying thing.

MAX
I much prefer you visible. And audible.

ELIJAH
Okay, okay, if you both promise to take this seriously, let’s come up with a plan for when I can contact DevilBat.

TAMMY
I promise nothing.

SOPHIA
Tammy…

TAMMY
But out of my respect for Sophia, you’ll get at least 5, maybe 6 solid minutes of my cooperation.

SOPHIA
I’ll take it.

May I also note, listeners, I’m only permitting this behavior because, shockingly, Max and Tammy have not physically been in a scene together for 18 episodes of this podcast. How is that even possible?!

Elijah? What are you thinking?

ELIJAH
Great! Let’s do this. Sophia, do you have details on where DevilBat’s lair is? Or anything else you can share?

MAX
Hey, are you guys hungry?

TAMMY
Oh, yeah, I could do some pizza.

SOPHIA
Seriously? Why do I even bother?

MAX
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Elijah is voiced by Nick B, A.S.S. is voiced by– (laughter) A.S.S. is voiced by Jenny Gibson, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

To connect with us on social media, follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, and tumblr at Second Fiddles. We’re also on threads and blue sky! Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!