60 - Reality

SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Rose is searching for the Eternity Gems, and the Second Fiddles are determined to stop her. The group’s newest probationary member, Blue Moon, is the living embodiment of the Reality Gem. His glowing bottom possesses the power to alter reality itself. In an effort to learn more about the gems, Max has sent Blue and Cassie to meet with MacGuffin’s twin brother, the hero known as Fourth Wall. Let’s begin!

MAT
Episode 60: Reality

BLUE
You’ll never guess what my agent just told me.

CASSIE
Did you get another corporate sponsorship?

BLUE
Well, a shoe company does want to collab on some glow-in-the-dark sneakers, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

CASSIE
So? Tell me!

BLUE
I was just offered my own reality show!

CASSIE
Seriously?! What kind?

BLUE
What do you mean?

CASSIE
Is it a docu-series? A dating show? A competition? Or a day-in-the-life thing like the Real Housewives of Rose City?

BLUE
Oh. I didn’t ask! I should probably start asking for details before saying yes to stuff…

CASSIE
Everyone wants a piece of you now! I still can’t believe you tripled your subscribers overnight.

BLUE
It wasn’t that hard. All I needed was to be burned alive on my birthday, and then rescued by an immortal supervillain who guilted me into running a cult… and used my butt to manipulate the memories of everyone in the world. Easy peasy!

CASSIE
I just meant it was cool, geez.

BLUE
Sorry, I’m a little sensitive lately. I’m trying to balance my studly semi-famous online personality with being a discreet superhero on a mission to save the planet.

CASSIE
Hey, you and me both.

BLUE
Oh, are you starting a HeroTube channel now? Do I have competition?

CASSIE
No, but a video of me blowing up MacGuffin’s tank just surfaced and kinda went viral. They showed it on the news and everything. My powers blurred my face to keep my identity safe, but everyone wants to know who I am.

BLUE
At least your powers are looking out for you!

CASSIE
If you can call it that. I feel like my powers are the real hero, and I’m just a passenger along for the ride.

BLUE
That sucks. At least Buck sent us on a mission for today.

CASSIE
Talking to an old guy about gemstones doesn’t sound nearly as fun as beating up henchies or saving a bus full of strangers from a runaway missile.

BLUE
I’d rather be there than on the front lines. I’m not great under pressure. And I don’t like to hit people. Or get hit BY people. I’m a lover, not a fighter! My pert glowing fanny is meant to bring people joy.

CASSIE
It’s funny. You can kinda control your powers, but don’t want to use them, and I really want to be a hero, but I can’t do anything about it.

BLUE
That’s not completely true. You could put yourself into dangerous situations. If your powers always save you, what’s the harm?

CASSIE
I don’t know. I thought about that, like tracking down and walking into a villain’s secret lair, to see if I could defeat them, but… I promised my sister that I wouldn’t be reckless.

BLUE
She probably appreciates that.


CASSIE
She doesn’t want me doing this, period, but it’s not her choice.


BLUE
If it’s worth anything, I’m glad Buck paired us together. With a target on my back… side, partnering up with a literal Deus ex Machina makes me feel safer. So, thank you for keeping me company. I’m shocked you’re not sick of me yet!

CASSIE
I could never get sick of you. I’ve loved you for years!

BLUE
You what?

CASSIE
Uh, I mean, I don’t know if you’ve figured it out yet, but…

BLUE
You’re a mooner!

CASSIE
Guilty as charged. I’ve been trying to play it cool and not be a total fangirl.

BLUE
Is meeting me better or worse than you thought?

CASSIE
I don’t know.. You’re pretty much the same as in your videos, but, like, a little less high-energy?

BLUE
It’s exhausting to be “on” 24-7, but for a few minutes every day for a video…? That’s easy.

CASSIE
You’re also shorter than I thought.

BLUE
There’s nothing I can do about that.

CASSIE
Isn’t there, though? Your butt can alter reality, so can’t you just make yourself taller?

BLUE
Huh. I guess, but then I’d have to find all new clothes, and that would be super annoying.

CASSIE
You could just magically adjust all of your clothing, too.

BLUE
I- I could, yeah. But I don’t want to abuse my powers, you know? I could become addicted to changing things. Addiction runs in my family.

CASSIE
I didn’t know about that.

BLUE
I don’t talk about everything in my videos. My grandfather had an addiction problem.

CASSIE
What was he addicted to?

BLUE
He was a gambling addict. That’s how he bought the farm.

CASSIE
Oh god, did someone kill him for not paying a debt?

BLUE
What? Sorry, poor choice of words. I meant, that’s how he literally could afford to buy the family farm. Remember, we run a Christmas tree farm? That’s why my full name is Blue Spruce McCoy.

CASSIE
Right. Sorry. When I think of farms, I think of corn and cows and stuff, not Christmas trees.

BLUE
It’s okay. Yeah, my grandpa won a ton of money over the years and used it to help start the family business.

CASSIE
Huh? I thought gambling addicts normally lose all their money.

BLUE
Oh. Grandpa barely ever lost. I said that he was an addict, but I didn’t mean that in a bad way. His addiction actually made him a millionaire!

CASSIE
You can see how that was misleading, right? I was expecting a tragic story that ended with him bankrupt or dead.

BLUE
Oh. Nope! The gambling was his saving grace. Unfortunately, he died when I was a kid from liver issues, because he was a raging alcoholic.

CASSIE
You really need to learn how to tell stories better.

BLUE
Yeah, I normally just kind of say stuff and then fix it in editing, so it makes sense. That’s the benefit of doing video work! Except when I livestream.

CASSIE
So, are we going to keep standing awkwardly in this hallway, or are we actually going to talk to Fourth Wall?

BLUE
I was waiting for you to knock.

CASSIE
I was waiting for YOU to knock!

SFX: DOOR OPEN

WALL
I knew neither of you were going to knock.

BLUE
Did you see that with your precognition?

WALL
No, the walls are paper-thin and you’re extremely loud. After the first 30 minutes, I knew this was going to be a long day.

CASSIE
It’s so nice to meet you, Fourth Wall, uh, sir!

WALL
Whatever. Come in, come in.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS AND DOOR CLOSING
  
WALL
Now, what can I help you with today?

CASSIE
I’m Cassie, and this is Blue.

WALL
Yes, I know who you are.

CASSIE
We’re here to ask you about the Eternity Gems.

WALL
Don’t you mean the Infinity Stones?

CASSIE
No, what are those?

WALL
Oh, right, that’s a Marvel thing. The “Eternity Gems” are a lazy rip-off that the podcaster thought would actually help drive the story for once.

CASSIE
Buck sent us here to pick your brain to see if you or your powers could help us learn more about the gems. All we know is what that Rose lady monologued about during Blue’s livestream at Red Thorn Ranch.

WALL
Ah, yes. Growing up with a brother like MacGuffin, I’ve sat through more villainous monologues than you could imagine. Thank you, by the way, Cassie, for destroying the PLOT, my twin’s armored tank. The entire concept of having a hero named Deus Ex Machina destroy the PLOT was, I admit, a little heavy handed, but creatively, it tickled my funny bone.

CASSIE
It wasn’t really me, it was just my powers. But you’re welcome!

WALL
Your powers are part of you, so yes, it was you. Make sure to remember that in the future.

CASSIE
Yes, sir.

BLUE
So, Rose told us that there were 6 gems, and some are physical gems, or objects, but others, like the Reality gem that powers my luminous caboose, can inhabit living things. That’s about it, right?

CASSIE
I think so. Rose has the Power gem in a bracelet that she wears, so that leaves four gems unaccounted for.

WALL
And you’re curious if I know where they are?

BLUE
Yup. Knowing stuff is kind of your whole deal, right?

WALL
It used to be. The older I get, the less reliable my powers become. I have been experiencing some… mild cognitive impairments over the last few years, and it’s not going to get any easier. That’s why I retired to the Old Hero Society.   

CASSIE
If you’re still working, it’s not really retirement, is it?

WALL
It’s… hard to leave the hero business entirely. Sometimes easing out is the only option, for those of us lucky enough to have never been killed in the line of duty.

BLUE
You don’t see too many senior citizen heroes out there, do you?

WALL
I don’t see much of anything anymore, but that’s because my eyesight is garbage.

CASSIE
Does that mean your clairvoyance can’t help us?

WALL
That’s not what I said.

CASSIE
So it… can?

WALL
I didn’t say that either.

CASSIE
Blue, are we wasting our time?

BLUE
I don’t know. Fourth Wall, have you heard of the Eternity Gems before?

WALL
I have, yes. My ridiculous brother used to talk about them all the time. He’d been looking for them himself, too, for over a decade. From what I gathered, he may have found one or two of them, but I don’t think he realized how powerful they were. Otherwise, he would have used them to take over the world.

CASSIE
Do you know which ones?

WALL
I do not. I did keep some notes on the gems, though.

BLUE
That’s great! Can we see them?

WALL
Oh, I have no idea where they are.

CASSIE
Are they in a notebook?

WALL
Maybe. Or scribbled on a napkin somewhere.

BLUE
No offense, but for having the power of knowing things, you don’t seem to know any… things.

WALL
Why do people always preface something offensive with “no offense?” It’s like the kids today saying “literally” when they actually mean “figuratively.”

BLUE
I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to be rude.

WALL
If you must know, my clairvoyance tells me my notes are here, in this room. Somewhere.

CASSIE
But these stacks of paper and junk are all as tall as I am! It’ll take forever to sort through everything.

WALL
My powers used to be able to find a needle in a haystack. Nowadays, I know where the haystack is, but that’s about it.

BLUE
Hmm. I think I can help with that.

WALL
Oh, do you? I refuse to do sudoku to sharpen my mind. Number puzzles are for squares!

CASSIE
Blue, what are “squares?”

BLUE
They’re rectangles with four equal sides.

WALL
I hate young people so very much.

BLUE
Fourth Wall, could I try something?

WALL
Does it… involve your glowing butt?

BLUE
Tangentially.

WALL
Eh, why not?

BLUE
Okay. Hold very still. Ready?

WALL
Mhmm.

SFX: FADE IN HYPNOTIC ENERGY WAVE

BLUE
Here we go! Whew!

SFX: FADE OUT HYPNOTIC ENERGY WAVE

BLUE
Now, try using your powers again to find that notebook.

WALL
It wasn’t a notebook. It was a take-out menu covered in sticky-notes. Girl, see that stack of paper back there?

CASSIE
Ew, don’t call me “girl.” I have a name!

WALL
Cassie, you’re looking for a menu for a sushi restaurant called “Raw Deal.” It should be the third from the bottom in that stack.

CASSIE
That doesn’t sound like an apology.

BLUE
Cassie! Just get it.

CASSIE
Fine, fine.

SFX: RIFLING THROUGH PAPERS

CASSIE
I found it!

WALL
It feels good to be on the top of my game again. What did you do to me?

BLUE
It was easy, I just used my butt to—

WALL
Ah! I see it! You used your Eternity Gem powers to alter the reality of my brain and restore me to my former glory. I haven’t seen things this clearly in years!

BLUE
You’re welcome.

WALL
I would ask you to hand me the menu, but I can see it in my mind’s eye as clear as day. You can keep that copy for yourself, if you’d like.

CASSIE
Gee, thanks.

BLUE
So what can you tell us?

WALL
There are 6 Eternity Gems. The Reality Gem, which makes your bum glow, the Power Gem, which Rose already has, and 4 others. There’s the Dream Gem, the Spirit Gem, the Time Gem, and the Sight Gem. My brother was in possession of the Time Gem, and maybe another, but that’s the only one I’m sure of. He kept it in a music box in one of Sally’s rooms.

CASSIE
Oh. Oh! Pitch and Security Blanket got stuck in a time loop on Leap Day earlier this year, when they were in Sally’s old bedroom! That must be where the Time gem is!

WALL
Yes. It will take some time, pun intended, to retrieve that gem properly without getting stuck in another loop, but hopefully someone can get it before Rose beats you to it.

BLUE
So that leaves three gems unaccounted for, right? Spirit, Sight, and… Dream?

WALL
Those are the more abstract gems, so that makes sense.

BLUE
This is awesome! This is awesome, right?

CASSIE
It’s more than we knew before!

BLUE
Fourth Wall, do you know anything else about Rose? Other than that she’s the scariest woman I’ve ever met.

WALL
Not really, no. She’s shrouded from my abilities, which is probably the work of her Power gem?

CASSIE
That figures.

WALL
I’m not caught off guard by much, but Rose’s role in this was a bit of a surprise. I don’t see how much a powerful immortal could have been around for hundreds of years, and even named Rose City after herself, and neither me nor my brother knew of her existence.

BLUE
I’m still not even sure how I became the Reality gem.

WALL
As Rose said before, one of your ancestors swallowed the Reality Gem and fused their life essence with it. It’s energy passed on through the generations until you were conceived.

BLUE
Okay. I  wonder if it came from my mom or my dad’s side.

WALL
It doesn’t matter at this point. It was your unique genetic mutation that finally reawakened the gem’s powers. That’s why you were glowing from inside your mother’s womb. Most superpowers show up around puberty, but yours was something altogether different. Without Rose tapping into your potential, though, you may have never known what you’re truly capable of.

BLUE
I’m still not sure what I’m capable of. I know the sky is probably the limit, but I don’t want to abuse my powers. It feels wrong to just change all of reality, you know? What if I create a butterfly effect?

CASSIE
What’s a butterfly effect?

BLUE
It’s an old Ashton Kutcher movie. It’s not great, but not terrible.

CASSIE
Who’s Ashton… Kutchiner?

BLUE
Nevermind.

CASSIE
Sorry. I thought there was a henchie named Butterfly, so I got a little confused.

WALL
The henchman Butterfly was a disgusting half-man, half-fly creature who feasted on butter. He was a menace, until the former heroine, Slap, literally splatted him with her giant hands.

BLUE
That sounds nasty.

WALL
It was quite messy. Your friend Pitch was her sidekick at the time. You should ask her about it.

BLUE
Maybe I will!

CASSIE
So, is there anything else you can tell us that might be helpful?

WALL
I can say that Rose will prove to be a tougher opponent than my brother. In one of the potential futures I see, one or more of the Second Fiddles will not survive the season.

CASSIE
No! We can’t let that happen!

BLUE
Do you mean summer or fall? We’re kind of between seasons here.

WALL
Not that kind of season. You’ll know by February, I’d say.

CASSIE
This is really bad. Like, really, really bad. Can you see anything more?

WALL
No. My precognition was never as precise… or as clear… as my brother’s. He got the looks AND the foresight, and… I’m one inch taller. And I’m also not a maniacal madman bent on world domination, so that’s probably worth noting.

BLUE
Thank you so much for your help, Fourth Wall.

CASSIE
Seriously, we’re actually going back with important intel. I guess we’re NOT useless!

WALL
Cassie, you’re literally one of the most useful heroes who’s ever existed. Don’t count yourself short.

CASSIE
But I am short.

BLUE
That’s not what that expression means.

WALL
And you, Blue Moon. I’d like to thank you for the… mental rejuvenation. I was going to say “head job,” but I don’t want to come across as a creepy old man.

BLUE
Meh, you’re good.

CASSIE
You know, you’re nothing like MacGuffin. Other than the face. And voice. And other genetic stuff. You know what I mean!

WALL
I’ll take that as a compliment.

BLUE
Hey, have you talked to your nephew recently? One of the reasons Buck sent us was because Security Blanket didn’t feel comfortable coming himself.

WALL
We can drop the aliases, I know everyone’s secret identities anyway. And no, I haven’t seen Linus since he was a child. I’ve tried to distance myself from that side of the family. Except for April, our sister’s oldest daughter, I’ve been essentially ghosting them for years.

CASSIE
You have a sister? How did none of us know that?

WALL
Well, you knew about his cousin April, right? And I don’t have any children, so how else would it work?

CASSIE
Huh. Is your sister… like you?

WALL
Do you mean powered? No, Patti’s a typical human. Except her hair. She hasn’t changed up her style since the 80’s and she’s way too old to pull it off.

BLUE
Hey, if I had it my way, big hair and shoulder pads would make a huge comeback.

CASSIE
Blue, stick to butt stuff and rompers and leave women’s fashion alone.

BLUE
Psh!

WALL
Okay, kiddos, now that my powers are all lubed up, I’m gonna take them for a spin.

BLUE
That sounds kinda dirty.

WALL
Get your mind out of the gutter! I’m going to play the lottery and use my foresight to score big.

CASSIE
Isn’t that… cheating?

WALL
Hey, there’s no law against using precognition to guess numbers. How do you think we got the initial investment to build the league headquarters all those years ago? Superheroes aren’t exactly funded by the government.

BLUE
Huh. Who knew?

CASSIE
Well, have fun, I guess…

WALL
It was a pleasure to meet you Cassie. And you, Blue Moon. You’re two of the most powerful heroes Rose City has ever seen. Promise me that you’ll look out for each other, okay? 

CASSIE
I… I promise.

BLUE
You got it, dude.

WALL
Now get out of here, I have some numbers to play!

CASSIE
Thanks again.

BLUE
Bye!

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Blue Moon is voiced by Adam Donnelly, Cassie is voiced by Tatiana Reed, Fourth Wall is voiced by John Pupo, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

To connect with us on social media, follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, and tumblr at Second Fiddles. We’re also on threads and Blue Sky! Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thank you for listening!