59 - Beacon

SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Elijah’s invisibility powers were reversed, so he dropped the name Invisidude and lost his job as a sidekick. After some coaxing, he’s finally re-joined the heroes of Rose City as Beacon, the official communications point-person for the A-league, the B-league, and the newest superteam, Second Fiddles. Today, his boyfriend Max has decided to stop by and visit him at work. Let’s begin!

MAT
Episode 59: Beacon

MAX
Elijah? Is this a bad time?

ELIJAH
Max?! What are you doing here?

MAX
This is me surprising you at work!

ELIJAH
Uh, I wish you’d given me a heads-up. I’m kinda swamped right now.

MAX
Really? But it’s a Thursday morning.

ELIJAH
I think there’s a full moon tonight.

MAX
Oh my god, are there werewolves everywhere?

ELIJAH
Oh, no. You watch too much tv. I mean, all the crazies are out, ya know? Crime is at an all-time high.

MAX
Ah. Well, if you have a sec, I was thinking we could—

SFX: BEEP

SALLY
Hey, carrot-top!  Or… should I call you carrot-bottom?

ELIJAH
What is it, A.S.S.?

SALLY
Incoming correspondence from Lullaby.

SFX: PHONE BEEP

ELIJAH
How can I help, Lullaby?

REN
Hey, Beacon, I need backup. I just caught a henchie, but he’s way too big for me to bring in on my own now that he’s asleep.

ELIJAH
Do you need human or superhuman support?

REN
Ugh. Superhuman. This guy’s name is Dense the Menace.

ELIJAH
Did you say Dennis the Menace?

REN
No, DENSE, like, he’s really… dense.

ELIJAH
As in, he’s kind of dumb, or… he has a high physical density?

REN
Both, actually. He’s not that big, but I swear he weighs a metric ton. His footsteps were literally leaving potholes in the street, and when I sang him to sleep, I was afraid his fall would make him crash directly through the ground and into the subway system.

ELIJAH
Got it. Superpowered support is on the way. I’m sending Phaser to help. He’ll be able to make Dense the Menace’s body incorporeal, so it’s easier to transport.

REN
Thanks, Beacon!

ELIJAH
Thank YOU, Lullaby, for stopping another henchie.

REN
I don’t have class this morning, so you were lucky.

ELIJAH
Let me know if Dense wakes up before Phaser gets there, okay?

REN
You got it!

SFX: BEEP

ELIJAH
ASS, could you contact Phaser? I really don’t want to talk to that douchebag.

SALLY
I already called him. He’s on his way.

ELIJAH
Great.

SFX: BEEP

MAX
Do you do this all day?

ELIJAH
Yeah. It’s… kinda my job.

MAX
Do you miss being out in the field?

ELIJAH
My powers are so different now, I need to be where I can be most useful.

MAX
That doesn’t answer the question.

ELIJAH
Of course I miss being out there, but I’m actually enjoying this more than I thought I would. It’s like a constant adrenaline rush. I’m not just mindlessly dispatching, I’m able to use my brain, too.

MAX
Aww, you’re handsome AND smart!

ELIJAH
Hey, I’m more than just a pretty face.

MAX
Well, now that I have your attention, do you think we could maybe—

SFX: BEEP

SALLY
Shut up, twinkletoes, Recall is on the line.

ELIJAH
Sorry, Max, hold on.

SFX: BEEP

SOPHIA
Beacon, we have a problem at the Deli Street Bridge!

ELIJAH
What’s going on?

SOPHIA
There’s a henchie here calling himself Gnash Bridges, and he didn’t spell it for me, but I’m thinking it’s “gnash” with a silent g.

ELIJAH
Why would you assume that?

SOPHIA
Because he is literally using his giant super-strong teeth to bite off chunks of the bridge.

ELIJAH
Oh, geez.

SOPHIA
He’s high up, and even if I turn into Basher, I don’t think I could reach him fast enough. He’s threatening to chew through more support cables.

ELIJAH
Kelli-kopter isn’t available, nor is any other flier, so… I’m sending Cliff Hanger.

SOPHIA
Thank you, Beacon.

SFX: BEEP

ELIJAH
Cliff Hanger, could you help Recall with the henchie on the bridge? I can see that you’re already in the area.

PARKER
Yeah, I saw people screaming and running away from the bridge, so I came to check it out. Where’s the baddie?

ELIJAH
Look for Recall, she’ll let you know.

PARKER
Oh, nevermind, I see the guy. He’s up near the top.

ELIJAH
Just don’t push him off if you can help it. Or at least make sure he falls in the water!

SALLY
Yeah, you wouldn’t want to kill another beautiful, powerful, gorgeous, captivating fire-goddess, now would you?

PARKER
Ugh. Beacon, we really need someone to reprogram your AI.

ELIJAH
Don’t listen to A.S.S., Cliff Hanger, she’s just a little bitter about you killing the brain she was created from.

SALLY
I mean, like, I was so BLEEPing hot, and now I’m a disembodied voice. You deserve to get punched in the taint.

PARKER
I don’t have time for this.

SFX: BEEP

ELIJAH
A.S.S., you can’t keep doing that every time Cliff Hanger’s on the line!

SALLY
Eat my non-existent butt.

MAX
What does A.S.S. stand for, again?

ELIJAH
Artificial Sally Sentience. A-S-S.

MAX
Is Linus going to have his team at Montgomery Innovations make any changes? To make her more… agreeable?

ELIJAH
Why? She’s already so lovable.

MAX
That sucks.

ELIJAH
She’s really not that bad. Parker’s the only one who triggers her. And people with ugly shoes. And the unhoused.

MAX
Now that his arm’s healed up, and he’s back to hero work, has it been awkward for Parker and you?

ELIJAH
Why? Because he spent months pining after me? Or because he occasionally slips in inappropriate stories about things that the two of you did together back when you dated?

MAX
He does WHAT?

ELIJAH
I heard all about your first time. You never told me that you hit your head and got a nosebleed during it.

MAX
Yeah, there were more bodily fluids exchanged than expected. It was a little traumatic.

ELIJAH
He’s still upset that he can’t have me— Not like he’d have a chance anyway. I prefer my men… antlered.

MAX
Hmm, let me ruminate on that for a minute… Get it? Because my DNA is spliced with a deer?

ELIJAH
You tried that joke last week, and it bombed then too.

SFX: BEEP

SALLY
Speaking of bombs, there’s a mysterious unattended suitcase at the airport that the bomb squad was called in to investigate. Should we send support?

ELIJAH
I mean, isn’t that literally what the bomb squad is for?

SALLY
I don’t care if people blow up, I’m just doing my job.

ELIJAH
Fine, geez.

SFX: BEEP

LINUS
Beacon, what’s up?

ELIJAH
Security Blanket, how far are you from the airport? There’s a possible bomb threat, and one of your force fields might come in handy.

LINUS
I’m on the opposite side of the city. Pitch and I were fighting a henchie, but we took care of him. Are the teleporters working?

ELIJAH
Yeah, don’t move. I’ll lock onto your coordinates and send you in about 5 seconds.

LINUS
Okay, great. Hey, babe, Beacon is ‘porting me to the airport. Let’s meet up later for burritos!

ELIJAH
Teleporting now.

SFX: TELEPORT SOUND

MAX
Tammy really needs to eat fewer burritos. I feel like she’s slowly murdering her colon.

SFX: BEEP

SALLY
Hey, BLEEP on the line. Oh, oops, I mean, Pitch on the line. It was an honest mistake, I swear!

SFX:  BEEP

ELIJAH
Yes, Pitch?

TAMMY
Why did you need Security Blanket at the airport?

ELIJAH
A possible bomb.

TAMMY
Oh. Okay. Could you send the police to come pick up the henchie we just caught? He’s really annoying, and I don’t want to deal with him any longer than I have to.

ELIJAH
Who is he?

TAMMY
He goes by “The Graham Reaper.”

ELIJAH
Gram, like a unit of mass, or Graham like a graham cracker?

TAMMY
Graham cracker. He’s been trying to turn people into s’mores, like in that film, The Menu?

MAX
That movie was so dumb.

TAMMY
Hey! Did I just hear Buck?

ELIJAH
Yeah, he’s here with me.

TAMMY
Buck! Let Beacon focus on heroics. You can get a booty call whenever you want now!

MAX
That’s not what I’m doing! I’m here because I wanted to ask my boyfriend—

ELIJAH
Pitch, is the Graham Reaper incapacitated?

TAMMY
I screamed him into submission and we tied him up, so he’s not a threat right now.

ELIJAH
Then why is he annoying you?

TAMMY
He won’t stop staring at me and licking his lips. It’s creeping me out.

ELIJAH
Yuck. A.S.S. is sending the police, they should be there in about 10 minutes.

TAMMY
That’s better than nothing, I guess. Thanks.

ELIJAH
Yup. Bye!

SFX: BEEP

MAX
I promise, I’m not here for sexytimes.

ELIJAH
I didn’t think you were!

MAX
Especially since we’re finally living together, I feel like we’re naked more than we’re dressed lately.

ELIJAH
You speak the truth! Okay, Max, I know you’ve been trying to ask me something this whole time. Before we have another interruption, just spit it out!

MAX
Geez, fine! Would you… like to go out to dinner with me?

ELIJAH
Oh. That’s it?

MAX
Yes. Dinner. With me. In public. Like, a date. Antlers and all!

ELIJAH
Of course! You know, this could’ve been a text.

MAX
I know, I just really wanted to visit you at HQ.

ELIJAH
Are you impressed?

MAX
This is really high-tech. There are so many screens!

ELIJAH
Tell me about it.

MAX
Is it going okay?

ELIJAH
Even though she’s annoying, A.S.S. does most of the work. I’m here for when people want to talk to the operator rather than an automated menu, you know?

MAX
I guess. Hey, you haven’t called me for anything yet! Do you have an assignment for me?

ELIJAH
I thought you were meeting with Cassie and Blue Moon today.

MAX
I did already, right before I came here.

ELIJAH
How are they doing?

MAX
Well, Cassie’s having some existential—

SFX: BEEP

SALLY
Stop flapping your lips! DevilBat is calling!

MAX
Holy BLEEP, did she say DevilBat?!

ELIJAH
Shh!! Yes!

SFX: BEEP

ELIJAH
DevilBat, how can I help?

DEVILBAT
Beacon, a villain tried to remove my mask. She may have seen my face, so I need to… take care of her.

ELIJAH
By “take care of her” what do you mean? Is she in police custody?

DEVILBAT
She is, but in case she saw me, we need to make sure she doesn’t reveal my identity.

ELIJAH
Are you asking me to… put a hit on someone?!

DEVILBAT
No, no, I would never do that, but I have a reputation to consider. I am vengeance, I am the night!

ELIJAH
Yeah, yeah, I get it, you are “the night.” Well, I’m not killing someone just to protect your secret identity. I’ll send Retcon to change her memories. Does that work?

DEVILBAT
Yes. I’m… DevilBat.

ELIJAH
Yeah… I know your name.

DEVILBAT
I am vengeance!

ELIJAH
Okay. Gotta go!

SFX: BEEP

MAX
Oh my god, you just spoke with motherBLEEPing DevilBat.

ELIJAH
He calls me almost every day. He may be an enigmatic man of few words, but… he’s really needy.

MAX
You have the coolest job on the planet.

ELIJAH
He’s just some guy, Max, he’s not a god or whatever.

MAX
I wonder who he really is. Do you know everyone’s secret identities?

ELIJAH
No, I don’t. What were you saying about Cassie?

MAX
Oh, she’s having an identity crisis. She wants to feel useful, but her power mostly only works when she’s in danger, as you know. I refuse to force a teenager into life-threatening situations just so she can play hero. It doesn’t work that way.

ELIJAH
And what about Blue Moon?

MAX
He wants to be a hero, and his magical blue butt is one of the strongest forces in the known universe, but he still cares more about making videos and building his fanbase than he does about saving the world.

ELIJAH
What did you talk about this morning?

MAX
Not much. I gave them an assignment, so they’d feel useful.

ELIJAH
What are they doing?

MAX
They’re meeting with Fourth Wall to pick his brain about the Eternity Gems. His clairvoyance comes and goes, but he still might be able to help a little.

ELIJAH
Ah. I haven’t seen Fourth Wall since he fired me.

MAX
I’m sorry.

ELIJAH
It’s okay. I actually like this job better, even though I don’t get to be a superpowered secret agent anymore. The downside to spying was that I was incredibly lonely most of the time. This way, I feel more connected!

MAX
Well, that’s something!

ELIJAH
I guess!

SFX: BEEP

SALLY
Hey, my murderer is calling back!

SFX: BEEP

ELIJAH
Cliff Hanger, did you take care of Gnash Bridges?

PARKER
Duh! I always get the job done! I popped up to surprise him, and he got so scared he let go and fell all the way down. Luckily, Recall transformed into Basher and caught him before he became a henchie pancake.

ELIJAH
Great job! Do you need anything else, or does Recall have it under control?

PARKER
I… just wanted to check in to see how you were doing. Being the Beacon must be stressful.

ELIJAH
Uhh, this isn’t really the time for that. If you want to know, talk to me outside of work.

PARKER
You didn’t answer my last few texts. I wanted to talk to you about—

ELIJAH
This is inappropriate, Cliff Hanger. Only call back if you actually need me.

PARKER
Wait! I do need you. Since I moved out, I realized I don’t really have any friends in Rose City. I miss being around you guys!

MAX
Cliff Hanger, want to catch a movie this weekend? There’s ANOTHER Godzilla movie coming out.

PARKER
Oh, hi, Buck. I… wasn’t expecting to hear your voice.

MAX
So. Movie night?

PARKER
Sure. That would be nice. Hey, what are you doing with the Beacon?

MAX
I’m just visiting. I think I’m distracting him, so I should go now. You should too.

PARKER
I swear I wasn’t trying to flirt anymore! I’m just lonely. I really think we need to talk more about—

SFX: BEEP

SALLY
Oopsie, I “accidentally” dropped the call. My bad!

ELIJAH
Not cool, A.S.S.! You need to be more professional.

SALLY
Whatever. He SAID he didn’t need our help anymore.

ELIJAH
You’re not wrong…

MAX
Hey, why do you think crime is up so much? Do you think it has something to do with Rose and her quest for the Eternity Gems?

ELIJAH
I don’t know. Maybe? Sophia thinks she’s trying to distract us by having henchies cause chaos all over the city. If we’re pulled in a million different directions, there’s no way we can focus on her and the gems.

MAX
She’s really smart, isn’t she?

ELIJAH
Yeah. MacGuffin was an evil genius, but Rose feels like a more serious threat.

MAX
I hope I actually have time to see that movie with Parker. With all the hero work, who knows when we’ll have free time again.

ELIJAH
You didn’t have to offer to hang out with him, you know.

MAX
Hey, maybe seeing a familiar face will make him stop bugging you at work.

ELIJAH
I hope so. I don’t hate him or anything, but it’s still really awkward, so I’ve been ghosting him as much as possible.

SFX: BEEP

SALLY
Hey weirdos, Security Blanket is on the line for a debrief.

ELIJAH
Thanks, A.S.S..

SFX: BEEP

LINUS
Oh, boy, Beacon, do I have a long, crazy story for you!

ELIJAH
Was there a bomb? Is everyone okay?

LINUS
There was no bomb. It ended up being a vibrator buzzing in the suitcase. It was hilarious!

ELIJAH
That’s it? That’s the long crazy story?

LINUS
The thing in the suitcase was actually the long and crazy thing. It was double-sided and looked like a weapon. It was intense!

ELIJAH
Oh, geez. Thanks for the update, I guess. I gotta go, there’s another call.

LINUS
Okay, bye!

SFX: BEEP

ELIJAH
Beacon here, how can I help?

LUCID LUCY
This is Lucid Lucy. My sidekick and I were tracking the Yeastmaster through an abandoned subway access tunnel, and she snuck up and trapped us behind a heavy metal door.

CRAMPUS
Yeah, Beacon, it’s locked, or stuck, I’m not sure. Neither of us are strong enough to break out. Can you send someone to help us?

ELIJAH
Yes. Lucid Lucy, Crampus, I would send Phaser, but he’s occupied, so I’ll find the nearest hero with super strength.

LUCID LUCY
Hurry up! I just caught a whiff of the Yeastmaster, and I don’t want to lose the scent!

ELIJAH
Ew, gross.

CRAMPUS
Beacon, do you have our coordinates? From our communicators?

ELIJAH
I don’t see Lucid Lucy’s, but I have a signal for you, Crampus. Lucy, did something happen to your communicator?

LUCID LUCY
We’re calling from Crampus’s device. I don’t trust this technology. I’m almost positive the radiation from this thing is giving me ear cancer!

ELIJAH
Okay. Hold still, I’ll figure something out.

CRAMPUS
Thank you!

SFX: BEEP

ELIJAH
Hmm, I think the closest person is probably DevilBat, or maybe the new B-league duo, the Big Guns. But neither of them are super strong. Maybe they could rig explosives?

MAX
Uhh, duh, there’s an obvious choice literally staring you in the handsome face.

ELIJAH
Huh?

MAX
Me! I can do it! It looks like they’re not that far away.

ELIJAH
No offense, but… you’re not that strong.

MAX
Uhh, I can still shoot laser beams out of my eyes! I can cut through metal like a hot knife through butter.

ELIJAH
Oh, right. You ready to go?

MAX
Yeah. Send me the coordinates.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPENING.

MAX
Oh, crap.

ELIJAH
What is it?

MAX
I don’t exactly know if those tunnels are wide enough for my antlers, but I’ll call you if I don’t fit.

ELIJAH
Sounds good. Be on the lookout for the Yeastmaster. She’s dangerous.

MAX
I’ll be safe, you don’t have to worry!

ELIJAH
I’ll see you later for dinner, if we have the time.

MAX
It’s a date. Love you, hun. I mean, thank you, Beacon.

ELIJAH
Bye, Max.

SFX: DOOR CLOSE

ELIJAH
Wow, today is crazier than usual, right? I feel like we’ve been fielding calls for like 10 hours already.

SFX: BEEP

SALLY
I wish, boss-man, but it’s barely 10 AM.

ELIJAH
Seriously?! Oh god, that sucks.

SALLY
You’re tellin’ me.

ELIJAH
At least we finally have a second to breathe.

SALLY
You wish. Pitch is back on the line. Also, I don’t breathe.

ELIJAH
Oh, come on, seriously?

SFX: BEEP

TAMMY
Beacon, the Graham Reaper blew graham cracker dust in my face and I super-sonic sneezed. It’s a mess out here!

ELIJAH
What kind of mess?

TAMMY
It looks like my sneeze shattered every window in a one block radius. We need a massive clean-up crew, and medics for all the cuts and scrapes. I’m sorry!

ELIJAH
It’s fine. Is the henchie under control?

TAMMY
Yeah, he was so close when it happened, it knocked him out. And ripped the skin off of his face.

ELIJAH
Of course it did.

TAMMY
Do you have any idea why it’s so insane today?

ELIJAH
There’s a full moon tonight.

TAMMY
What?! None of these people look like werewolves.

ELIJAH
Nevermind! Just stay put and try not to sneeze again.

TAMMY
10-4.  And… Beacon?

ELIJAH
Yeah?

TAMMY
You’re doing an amazing job. You know that, right?

ELIJAH
I’m trying my best, but it’s nice to hear it.

TAMMY
Well, you only get one compliment from me a year, so it’ll have to last you a while.

ELIJAH
I’ll cherish it always. Bye.

SFX: BEEP

SALLY
Uh oh, we have reports of an actual werewolf tearing up downtown!

ELIJAH
What?! How is that even possible?

SALLY
Just kidding. You’re so gullible!

ELIJAH
Oh my god. Why did I agree to take this job?

SALLY
You’re such a sucker!

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Elijah is voiced by Nick B, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, Sally is voiced by Jenny Gibson, Parker is voiced by Greg M, Ren is voiced by Kristy Barkan, Crampus is voiced by Gwen Brown, Lucid Lucy is voiced by Marnie Warner, DevilBat is voiced by Chris Johnson, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

To connect with us on social media, follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, and tumblr at Second Fiddles. We’re also on threads and blue sky! Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thank you for listening! And thank you for tuning in for the first episode of season 5.