FAQs #1

SOPHIA
Hello, denizens of Rose City! This is Recall, representing the A-league.

MAX
And this is Buck, from Second Fiddles.

SOPHIA
In the spirit of transparency, we are here to answer some of your questions and address some of your concerns.

MAX
That’s right! We put out a poll on social media to see what everyone in Rose City wants to know about us, and we’ve compiled a list of the most frequently asked questions.

SOPHIA
And for listeners of the podcast, maybe these are some questions you’ve had as well!

MAX
Podcast? What podcast?

SOPHIA
Don’t worry your little antlered head, Buck. Shall we jump right in and start answering  questions?

MAX
Uh, sure, let’s do it!

SOPHIA
Splendid!

MAX
I’ll be doing most of the asking, and Recall will probably do most of the answering, because she is, as you know, a wealth of knowledge.

SOPHIA
I read a lot of books.

MAX
And I… prefer television.

SOPHIA
It’s all right, I respect you despite your lack of sophistication.

MAX
Thanks…? Okay, this first question asks: What’s the deal with the Island? I keep hearing about it, but I’ve never seen it. It’s not even on a map!

SOPHIA
The Island is a prison for superpowered criminals. It’s like alcatraz, but shrouded in stealth technology that hides its location. With the exception of MacGuffin and his late daughter, Sally Mander, no one has ever escaped its reinforced walls.

MAX
Thanks for the question! The next one is: “I’m always getting confused as to which hero is on which super-team. There are so many! Could you help clarify?”

SOPHIA
Oh, goodness. There ARE so many! Perhaps I’ll just explain the main three…?

MAX
Yeah. Other than the Old Hero Society, which is led by Fourth Wall, there are three main teams in Rose City. There are a few smaller ones, and the occasional vigilante, but you can leave those out. We don’t want this to go on for like 2 hours.

SOPHIA
Agreed.

MAX
I’ll start with Second Fiddles. We’re the newest team, and we recently replaced the C league. Our team leaders are Pitch and Security Blanket. There’s also me, obviously, and our reserve team: Lullaby, Deus Ex Machina, Kellikopter, and Cliff Hanger. There’s Chameleon, too, but they’re… on sabbatical.

SOPHIA
Maybe let’s not talk about Chameleon?

MAX
Right. Sorry. Ixnay on the Ameleon-kay.

SOPHIA
It’s fine. Next, I will provide additional exposition regarding the two main hero leagues. The A-league, tasked with protecting not only Rose City, but the entire planet, currently has a roster of 6 heroes and one sidekick. The heroes include me, Dino Danny, Phaser, the rooster-themed hero Cockadoodle Dude and his sidekick Egghead, the half-woman half-bear known as Heroine Bear, and Bionic Billy, who was created from a backup of the late hero Bionic Brian from his start in the 1990’s. Our leader is Smasher, who hasn’t completely retired from heroism, but is taking on a mentor role.

MAX
Yeah, the A-league are the heavy hitters, while the B-league are more street-level heroes.

SOPHIA
You are correct. Ironically, when you want the big guns, you think of the A-league, but if you’re looking for the brother/sister pair literally known as “The Big Guns,” they run the B-league. Working with the Big Guns are Lucid Lucy and her sidekick Crampus, Strobelight and her sidekick Discoballs, the hero Facepuncher, and Spacy Stacy, who also serves as the costume designer for the leagues. And, saving the most enigmatic for last, is the mysterious Devilbat.

MAX
I love Devilbat! His costume is dark red with little devil horns on the top, and he’s the best hand-to-hand fighter I’ve ever seen, which is crazy considering he’s blind! I guess he uses sound to echolocate or something, which is even cooler!

SOPHIA
Buck, Devilbat’s visual impairment is not public knowledge. You have just exposed his vulnerabilities to the world.

MAX
Oh, BLEEP! Well, good thing we can just edit that out!

SOPHIA
Buck, we are live streaming. Were you unaware?

MAX
Seriously? You could have mentioned that earlier when I was picking my nose! Oh my god. Devilbat, I’m really, really sorry. If you hear this, please don’t murder me.

SOPHIA
Good thing you have the ability to regenerate, Buck!

MAX
Uhh, yeah. Okay, onto the next question! Let’s see… Here we go: “What happened to that Red Thorn Ranch place after Blue Moon’s broadcast?”

SOPHIA
Don’t worry, concerned citizens, the government seized control of Red Thorn Ranch. Most of the forgotten heroes and sidekicks returned to their former lives. One of my friends, Crampus, has only returned to working with her hero on a part-time basis until Lucid Lucy is able to find a new sidekick. A few others never went back at all.

MAX
Yeah. I was worried that Pitch would need to take a break, but she was eager to start fighting crime again. She now also has a love of gardening, but I guess there are many worse hobbies one could pick up while living in a cult.

SOPHIA
Indeed. For those curious, the villain who started the Order of the Rose and began abducting heroes to occupy Red Thorn Ranch, Rose, has not been seen since Blue Moon used his powers to send her to the ocean.

MAX
So what you’re saying is that Rose hasn’t resurfaced?

SOPHIA
Oh, Buck, for once, you actually made a simple yet intelligent joke!

MAX
What do you mean, ACTUALLY?

SOPHIA
Moving on, now. We don’t have all day!

MAX
Okay, so, since we brought up Blue Moon, here’s a Blue question: “Blue Moon announced on his socials that he’s a superhero now. Is that true? If so, will there be a behind-the-scenes superhero docu-series coming out next year? And will his butt be visible, or pixelated?”

SOPHIA
Oh, goodness. You know what, Buck, I think you can handle this one.

MAX
Sure! Well, we would never dream of censoring Blue’s backside, but no, no docu-series yet. If there are any producers interested, however, message me directly. Thanks.

SOPHIA
You barely answered a portion of that question.

MAX
I didn’t? Really?

SOPHIA
Is Blue going to be a superhero?

MAX
Oh, right. Yes he is. He’s serving as a trainee with Second Fiddles now. I actually just had a session with him this morning. Cliff Hanger and Pitch I ran some drills with him. He’s not great at hand-to-hand combat, but he’s getting better at controlling his reality-bending powers.

SOPHIA
It probably isn’t a great idea to literally broadcast that his combat skills are lacking. Potential villains intent on utilizing his powerful posterior might be listening to us.

MAX
Ah, damn it! I mean, wow, he’s like, an amazing fighter! I am so jealous of his, like, martial arts skills!

SOPHIA
Oh, Buck. We all know you’re lying.

MAX
Son of a BLEEP.

SOPHIA
What is the next question?

MAX
It is: I heard that the Sandwich killer was finally caught, but Lucid Lucy revealed that he was covering for his partner, the YeastMaster. Is that true? Is there a yeasty villainous serial killer on the loose in Rose City?

SOPHIA
Unfortunately, yes, you are correct. The RCPD has been on the lookout for a murderous baker with a pungent odor, but no one has found her yet.

MAX
No, that can’t be right. I remember when Pitch beat her up and got a yeast infection in the process. That means that she was arrested, so she’s probably on the Island.

SOPHIA
Buck, that is not what happened. Pitch did defeat her, yes, but she managed to escape police custody.

MAX
That doesn’t make any sense. Pitch would not have let that happen.

SOPHIA
Are you implying that I, Recall, who have a flawless memory, have misremembered something?

MAX
I mean, that’s not the way that Pitch tells it…

SOPHIA
Are you seriously calling me a liar?

MAX
Maybe your power isn’t as strong as you thought?

SOPHIA
(Basher voice) Maybe my fists are strong enough to bash your face in!

MAX
Nevermind! Nevermind! Nevermind! You know, now that I can think about it, Pitch was probably too distracted with pain, or itching, or discharge, or whatever, so what you’re saying makes way more sense.

SOPHIA
Thank you. That was by no means an apology, but I suppose it’s better than nothing.

MAX
Sorry! I’m sorry! Please don’t turn into Basher again!

SOPHIA
There you go. Now we can still be friends!

MAX
Wow, note to self, never challenge Recall’s memory. EVER.

SOPHIA
It’s like fighting a cloud with a sword. You cannot win, no matter how hard you try.

MAX
But what if you spin the sword around so fast it makes a whirlwind that blows the cloud away?

SOPHIA
Are you dissecting my metaphors now, too?

MAX
Okay, maybe this was a bad idea.

SOPHIA
No, it’s fine. I’m just upset about something in my personal life, and it’s affecting me more than I expected.

MAX
Oh, do you mean the stuff with Chamele- Kombucha? You ran out of Kombucha again, didn’t you?

SOPHIA
Ah, yes, I am upset because my… kombucha was supposed to be really sweet and fun, and I was looking forward to exploring my future with … kombucha, but then my … fermented tea turned into an evil alien and broke my heart.

MAX
Yeah. I personally can’t stand the stuff. Tastes like garbage. Well, before we go, Recall, we’ll answer one more question, okay?

SOPHIA
Of course, what is it?

MAX
Let’s see… ummm… this one wasn’t here before. That’s weird.

SOPHIA
What is it?

MAX
It says: Dear Buck and Recall, prepare yourselves and the rest of your superhero friends, because my wrath will be devastating.

SOPHIA
Is that everything?

MAX
No, there’s way more.

SOPHIA
Keep reading!

MAX
Fine! Here’s the rest: A benefit of living for hundreds of years is that you learn to bide your time. My vengeance won’t be swift or hasty. You won’t see it coming. But be warned: After I acquire the remaining Eternity gems, I will take back my city, and remove the plague of powered heroes, sidekicks, villains, and henchmen forever. All my love, Rose.

SOPHIA
That is… not good, Buck.

MAX
I know, right? That wasn’t even a question, it was just a menacing comment.

SOPHIA
That is not what I mean.

MAX
Oh, because she said “henchmen” instead of “henchperson or just henchie?” Ugh, some people are so ignorant.

SOPHIA
Buck, it would appear that Rose has, indeed, resurfaced.

MAX
That’s just great. I thought we’d have at least another few weeks of calm before the storm.

SOPHIA
Me too. While Rose is planning, and waiting to strike, we’ll have to prepare to find the remaining Eternity gems ourselves.

MAX
Ugh, you’re right. Oh, BLEEP, we’re still broadcasting.

SOPHIA
Yes. Let’s end this now.

MAX
Well, citizens of Rose City, thank you for tuning in to our first ever Q&A. Keep those questions coming, and maybe we’ll do another one in the future. You know, if Rose hasn’t killed us all by then!

SOPHIA
Oh my, what a discouraging way to conclude this. To listeners of the podcast, you can stay tuned for the upcoming 5th season of Second Fiddles. It may take a while, but we’ll be back before you know it! Thanks for listening!

MAX
Woot woot!