57 - Livestream

MAX
Wow. The resemblance is uncanny.

GALE
It’s so weird!

PLOONJER
Humans, please stop staring at my facial features! You’re going to give me a complex!

MAX
It’s like Elijah’s here, but possessed by a bodysnatcher.

GALE
My druid D&D character, Elka Snakewood, is a shapeshifter too, but only when she uses an ability called Wild Shape.

PLOONJER
Why are you not acknowledging my existence? Talk TO me, not ABOUT me. You are very rude!

GALE
I’m sorry! It’s just so fascinating.

MAX
Yeah. When Sophia asked us to babysit, I thought she meant for Baby Stevie. By the way, how is Stevie?

GALE
While you were out getting snacks, I put them to sleep. They’re dreaming cute little baby dreams as we speak!

PLOONJER
So we’re still ignoring me, then?

MAX
No, sorry. How… are you?

PLOONJER
I’d be better if you let me know what snacks you brought! The food here is fine, but I want to experience everything else human life has to offer!

MAX
I really just bought some potato chips and a huge bag of Skittles.

PLOONJER
Skit…tells? What are they? Some type of grain?

MAX
Ploonjer, Skittles are candy.

PLOONJER
What is… candy?

GALE
Candy’s a treat usually made from sugar. It’s tasty, but not good for you.

PLOONJER
Well if it’s not healthy, why ingest it?

MAX
Because it tastes good?

PLOONJER
Humans willingly eat unhealthy food just for the taste? That is foolish, yet… relatable. I had a cupcake for the first time yesterday, and it did wonderful things to my mouth.

MAX
You have Elijah’s mouth. It’s so weird.

GALE
Do you wanna kiss it?

MAX
No thank you.

PLOONJER
Why are you finding pleasure in my mouth shape?

GALE
You look like Max’s boyfriend, so it’s a little funny.

PLOONJER
You are in a relationship with the invisible human?

MAX
He’s not invisible anymore, but yeah. He’s my boo! My… bae, My sweet baby!

PLOONJER
He is an infant?

MAX
Nevermind. Yes. We are in a relationship.

PLOONJER
Could you… use my human form to demonstrate the type of things boyfriends do to each other?

MAX
What, like, go on dates? Hold hands?

PLOONJER
No, I am referring to… intercourse.

MAX
Uh, no, Ploonjer, I can’t. You’re super hot to me, for obvious reasons, but I would never cheat on Elijah.

PLOONJER
Oh, well. I tried. Where is your boyfriend right now? Why isn’t he here with you?

MAX
Elijah’s infiltrating a compound with a couple of my teammates as backup. Security Blanket and Cliff Hanger are supposed to be waiting outside to help in whatever way they can.

GALE
Yeah, they’re rescuing Max’s sister. And Chameleon, your real Sovereign Supreme.

PLOONJER
If that’s true, why aren’t you with them?

MAX
My antlers are too obvious. There’s no way I could sneak in or try to be stealthy, so they thought it would be better for Gale and I to stay behind with you and Stevie. You know, while Sophia coordinates things from HQ.

SFX: NOTIFICATION BEEP

PLOONJER
What was that bleeping sound?

MAX
Oh, just a notification. It looks like someone I subscribe to on HeroTube just posted a new video. It is… what? No, this is— This can’t be right.

GALE
What’s wrong?

MAX
It looks like Blue Moon is livestreaming. Like, BLUE MOON Blue Moon. Maybe someone hacked his account?

GALE
Maybe? Why are you subscribed to a dead guy’s channel?

MAX
I don’t know, it was never taken down. I still go back and watch his old videos sometimes.

PLOONJER
I have watched this Blue Moon on the internets. His luminous butt cheeks are rather delightful.

GALE
Okay, now I’m curious. Come on, open it!

MAX
Okay, okay, we can watch it. Here goes!

FADE IN BLUE MOON THEME MUSIC

MAT
Episode 57, Livestream

BLUE
Hey, Mooners! Welcome to Red Thorn Ranch! You’re probably thinking “what’s going on? Is this an old video?” Well, no, it’s not. I’m livestreaming to you from a secret location to tell you something super important: I’m alive! I know you’ve been mourning me this past year, and I wanted to tell you I was alive, but I didn’t think I could. I thought my old life was over forever, but a new friend just convinced me that the only one holding me back from my old life was… me! I know you have questions that burn as bright as my tush, so here are some answers!  No, I did not actually die. I’m not a sexy glowing zombie with a pert undead booty. I almost died — That whole Sally Mander thing really did happen, but I was rescued by a super-powered healer. She saved my life, and my family was mind wiped to ignore that the casket they buried was totally empty. I thought I needed a fresh start, but my new friend taught me that I can have my cake and eat it too. And by cake, I mean ass. And also cake. I have a sweet tooth, what can I say? So, let me tell you about what’s going on back at the ranch! First we’re going to the gardens to catch up with a chick with a green thumb and a killer scream: This is Pitch!

TAMMY
Hey! Watch it! Don’t stand in the BLEEPing flower bed!

BLUE
My bad!

TAMMY
What are you doing?

BLUE
I’m live-streaming.

TAMMY
You’re WHAT?!

BLUE
Yeah, I decided I didn’t want to hide anymore.

TAMMY
Rose is going to kill you!

BLUE
Oh psshhh, I basically run this place, what’s she gonna do?

TAMMY
Like I just said, she’s gonna kill you. And this time you’ll be dead… for real!

BLUE
She can’t kill me while I’m recording this! Murdering someone while streaming isn’t exactly a smart move.

TAMMY
Yeah, Sally Mander learned that the hard way. Well, try not to die. Now get that camera out of my face!

BLUE
Geez, so touchy! Now, you might not remember Pitch, but believe me, she’s pretty cool. Actually, you won’t remember any of the people you see here with me. Thanks to my upgraded hypno-tush, everyone’s been wiped from your memories. More on that in a few minutes. Now it’s time to meet someone else I’ve gotten to know over the last few months!

SILVER
(laughing) Oh my god, Blue, what are you doing?

BLUE
Revealing secrets and introducing you to the world!

SILVER
Oh, that’s it? The last time I was on video, I was recording an episode of Phantom Confessions. They wanted to hear the story of that nerdy ghost I dated a few years back. His name was Paul. Paul… Tergeist. He was really sweet. Such a generous lover for someone without a body. Very inventive.

BLUE
You’re an odd one. Never change! Now, don’t worry, Mooners, this is not my attempted murderess, Sally Mander. This is Silver Lining, her twin sister.

SILVER
Yeah, my supervillain dad, MacGuffin, separated us at birth, erased my mom’s memory, and abandoned me in a dark alleyway. You know, the yuge. But don’t worry, I promise I’m not evil like my sister.

BLUE
Very nice, very nice.

SILVER
If my brother is out there watching, I can’t wait to meet you!

BLUE
Wouldn’t he have forgotten you exist?

SILVER
You can’t forget someone you’ve never met.

BLUE
Hm. Good point. Okay, now onto the one who inspired my big reveal to the world: Chameleon!

CAM
What up, blue-ass BLEEP? Looking good! Is that a new romper?

BLUE
Why yes, it is. Rompers might make going to the bathroom a little tricky, but it’s worth it to impress the ladies.

CAM
Not a lady!

BLUE
And the fellows and enbies, too! I’m not picky!

CAM
Now what’s this about a big reveal? Was that a penis reference?

BLUE
No way, the word “big” would never be used to describe my willy.

CAM
Hey, if I recall from the last orgy, it’s all good. It’s actually kinda cute… like a cartoon penis!

BLUE
That is literally the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me in my entire life.

CAM
That’s sad.

BLUE
The big reveal I’m talking about is this livestream! Revealing myself to the world!

CAM
Oh, yeah! He’s not dead, BLEEPs!

BLUE
Chameleon, you inspired me and encouraged me to take back my life, and not live under anyone else’s thumb.

CAM
You liked being under my thumb all right.

BLUE
Stop it, you’re making me blush blue!

CAM
Hey moonbabies, don’t you worry, Blue is very single, and I’m holding out for my current crush, who’s forgotten that I exist. But surely I’ll find my way back into her labyrinthine, profoundly sexy brain!

BLUE
My fans are my mooners, not moonbabies.

CAM
Whatever. Moonbabies sounds cooler.

BLUE
It does. Dammit!

CAM
Uh oh, looks like someone else wants to talk to you. Bye!

BLUE
Bye! Oh, you’re right! It’s Noelle! What’s the good word, my gothic christmas-themed friend?

CRAMPUS
Are you… recording this?

BLUE
It’s fine, just keep talking.

CRAMPUS
Are you sure?

BLUE
Yeah, what’s up?

CRAMPUS
Okay, well, umm, two intruders were caught breaking into the ranch.

BLUE
Seriously? Again? That’s so weird!

CRAMPUS
Yeah. They were just thrown in the holding room with the other one we caught yesterday.

BLUE
I guess this is the perfect time to be streaming again, because this secret location isn’t very secret anymore.

CRAMPUS
I guess not…?

BLUE
Noelle, you were so proud of being a whistleblower with the other spy. Tell the story!

CRAMPUS
Hey, wasn’t there a henchie named Whistleblower?

BLUE
Oh, yeah! I thought he was a gym teacher or a coach, you know, because of the blowing whistles thing, but I think he was a federal agent who put all this crazy government stuff up on wikileaks.

CRAMPUS
Oh yeah, now he’s living in Russia. I think.

BLUE
Tell the story before my butt dims!

CRAMPUS
Oh, right. So, I was assigned a brand new roommate yesterday. He didn’t look familiar, but I kept having a weird feeling like we’d met before, and then it hit me: I knew his voice! My new roommate was Invisidude, and he was trying to infiltrate Red Thorn Ranch for his own nefarious purposes!

BLUE
That sounds a bit dramatic, but yes!

CRAMPUS
We locked him up—with the other two—until Rose could get here, which should be any minute now. 

BLUE
Who are these other two spies?

CRAMPUS
It’s Pitch’s partner, Security Blanket, and some guy who kept trying to climb up the walls. I had to cramp them up to slow them down, but we got them before they could get away.

BLUE
Awesome! Well, I wanted to see the boss lady anyways, so let’s go visit our detainees!

CRAMPUS
Thanks, Blue Moon! See you later!

BLUE
Joyeux noel! Okay, so as I make my way to the holding area, this would be a good time to mention my current and only sponsor—

Do you have powers, but need some time without them to truly find yourself? Would you like to be abducted into a seemingly worthwhile organization with no clear or apparent goals? Do you want to spend your days contributing to a small community of like minded people? Do you want to join a cult? If you said yes to any of those answers, look no further than Red Thorn Ranch. We’re a little culty, but to my knowledge, we don’t hurt or kill people! Yet. Sheesh. This advertisement has been indirectly paid for by the Order of the Rose.

SFX: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

BLUE
Well, well, well, who do we have here?

ELIJAH
Let us out! Please, help!

PARKER
Yeah, what he said!

LINUS
Holy shit! You look just like Blue Moon!

BLUE
What gave it away? The stylish romper? The platinum blonde hair?

LINUS
Uh, no, your face. And your butt’s glowing.

BLUE
That it is!

ELIJAH
How are you alive?

LINUS
I watched my sister kill you!

BLUE
Sally did caramelize me like a creme brulée, but this blue, sexy snacc with two Cs was saved by a mysterious stranger.

PARKER
Are you… recording us right now?

BLUE
I’m livestreaming!

PARKER
Why? Are you going to broadcast our deaths to the public? That’s just ghoulish, jeez.

BLUE
No, I want to–

LINUS
What is this, some sick plot to get revenge on powered people?

BLUE
No! I want to try and–

ELIJAH
Buck! Recall! Are you watching this? We need your help!

BLUE
Hey! Let me finish!

SFX: HYPNO-BUTT ENERGY WAVES

BLUE
I can see you trying to move your lips, but you can’t because I’m using my magical fanny to shut you up. I can do more than just use the power of suggestion now. As I was saying, I don’t love managing Red Thorn Ranch. In fact, I kind of hate it. So, because I really don’t have anything else to lose, I’m outing the Order of the Rose.

SFX: FADE OUT HYPNO-BUTT

BLUE
Okay, you can talk now.

Elijah
What’s the order of the Rose?

LINUS
Is Pitch here?

PARKER
Did everyone outside forget that we exist?

BLUE
You guys ask a lot of questions. You first, the tall glass of ginger ale.

ELIJAH
Can I shake your hand? I’ve always loved your Herotube channel; it’s so cool to meet you!

BLUE
Oh, sure! It’s great to meet a fan.

ELIJAH
Thank you!

SFX: TRUTH POWER SOUND

BLUE
And… are you just going to keep holding my hand like that? Weird, but I’ll do anything for my fans. So, what was your question? 

ELIJAH
What’s the Order of the Rose?

BLUE
The Order of the Rose is an organization created by the woman who healed me, Rose. I was only helping her run Red Thorn Ranch because I felt indebted to her, but now I’m starting to think I can repay her in other ways, like money, or sexual favors, or using my platform to increase awareness of the Order. She could reach so many more people if I was the public face of the Order. I could help her more than just being used as a glowing figurehead.

SFX: DOOR OPEN

ROSE
Hello, Blue. What do you think you’re doing?

BLUE
OMG here she is, Mooners! The babe who saved my robin’s egg butt from certain death!

ROSE
Don’t call me “babe.” I’m your elder, treat me with respect.

BLUE
Hey, I respect all MILFs!

ROSE
First, stop touching that one, he’s using his abilities on you to make you tell the truth.

SFX: TRUTH POWER SOUND

ELIJAH
Dammit.

BLUE
Is that why I couldn’t stop thinking out loud?

ROSE
Indeed.

LINUS
Who are you? And where’s Tammy?!

PARKER
Yeah, let us out! This isn’t funny!

ELIJAH
Everyone in the world is probably watching you now, so do your worst.

ROSE
Blue, silence them, please.

BLUE
Yes, ma’am.

SFX: HYPNO-BUTT ON

ROSE
Wonderful. Thank you. They were annoying me.

ELIJAH
Who are you? What kind of cult is this?

ROSE
I thought I said to silence them!

BLUE
I did! I am!

ELIJAH
His powers don’t work on me.

ROSE
Hmm, aren’t you a fascinating specimen?

ELIJAH
Answer me! Why are you kidnapping heroes and forcing them into this cult?

ROSE
With fewer heroes out and about, the world is a better, safer place. Powered people are the downfall of our society.

BLUE
No offense, ma’am, but don’t you have powers too?

ROSE
Yes, but in my day, powers were unique. They were something to be cherished and protected.

ELIJAH
Your day? You don’t look that old.

ROSE
I am hundreds of years old, my sweet boy. My power allows me to heal others, but it also keeps my body young and healthy.

BLUE
So you’re like, an immortal MILF?

ROSE
Should I be glad I don’t know what that means?

BLUE, ELIJAH
Yeah.

ELIJAH
Why are you only targeting the heroes in Rose City? Why not anywhere else in the world?

ROSE
Because, child, this is MY city, and I refuse to see it continue on its current course.

ELIJAH
What do you mean, YOUR city?

ROSE
I am Rose. The Rose. I founded this city long over a century ago, and I’ll be damned if superpowered juveniles like you tarnish my good name.

BLUE
I thought Rose City was named after the flowers that settlers found everywhere.

ROSE
That’s just a little fib I added to the history books. I wanted to keep myself hidden away until the time was right.

BLUE
And that time is… now?

ROSE
It wasn’t supposed to be, but you threw a wrench into my plans. I’ll have to speed up my timeline a bit, but I’m nothing if not good at adapting to curve balls.

BLUE
I’m sorry, I thought I could just–

ROSE
You didn’t think. Your generation never does. You just want instant gratification.

BLUE
Hey, that’s not fair. I’ve done so much for you!

ROSE
Without me, your colorful rump would be literal toast. You are an ungrateful, selfish child, and if I didn’t need you alive, you’d still be a charred mound of flesh rotting in the forest.

BLUE
Harsh much?

ELIJAH
What’s your end goal? Enslave all the heroes? Kill us?

ROSE
Oh, silly boy, no. I just needed you out of the way.

ELIJAH
What do you mean?

ROSE
I’ve been searching for 6 precious energy sources known as the Eternity Gems. Separately, they hold great power, but together, they are the strongest force in the known universe. After all this time, I’m only in possession of two of the gems. The other four have been difficult to locate. The gems seek each other out, so I knew if I stayed here long enough, they would come to me eventually. The four missing gems are all somewhere in my city, finally within my grasp.

ELIJAH
That was actually a really good villain monologue.

BLUE
I know, right? She totally killed it.

ROSE
I’ll totally kill you if you don’t shut up!

BLUE
I thought you said you needed me alive.

ROSE
I do. 

ELIJAH
These energy sources, are they actual gems? What do they look like?

ROSE
Some are gems, yes, but others have been altered or changed over the millenia. One ancient tribe of warriors turned the Power gem into a bracelet, which you can see on my wrist.

BLUE
Ohhh, it’s so shiny!

ROSE
In the case of this blue buffoon, one of his ancestors swallowed an eternity gem and it fused with his body. After generations, it finally reawoke under the right genetic conditions.

BLUE
What are you talking about?

ELIJAH
Oh my god! Blue Moon’s butt is one of the Eternity gems!

BLUE
WHAT?! For real?

ROSE
Yes, you fool. You are the living embodiment of the Reality gem. That’s how you’re able to alter reality with a simple glow from your backside. How else do you think you were able to dampen the powers of every select individual within the ranch? How do you think everyone in the world forgot who they were? You were able to re-write reality so it was as if they’d never existed. Or at least, you would have if you’d had more practice. Your work is sloppy at best.

BLUE
But how? I never tried to do that!

ROSE
I used the Power gem to will you to do it. It gives me immeasurable strength, but it’s not just physical, it’s also mental. I have been psychically influencing your abilities this whole time.

BLUE
Then I’ll stop!

ROSE
You won’t be able to.

BLUE
What’s the point? With this livestream, everyone knows your secrets!

ROSE
You idiot, you’ve been my puppet this whole time. Regardless of your intentions, I’ll use your powers to make everyone in the world forget that this ridiculous video ever existed.

ELIJAH
This is crazy! It’s like something out of a movie!

ROSE
There’s no one who can stop me.

SFX: TELEPORT SOUND

CASSIE
Uhh, hi?

ROSE
Who on earth are you?

CASSIE
I’m Deus ex Machina!

ELIJAH
I’m so happy to see you!

CASSIE
Oh my god, talk about an immersive viewing experience. I was just watching this on my phone, and now I’m here in person!

ELIJAH
Well? Do your thing!

CASSIE
I never know how to! Things just… happen!

ELIJAH
Make Blue Moon stop warping reality so everyone gets their powers and memories back!

CASSIE
Uh, okay!

SFX: SLAP

BLUE
Ow! Watch the goods!

SFX: HYPNO-BUTT FADE OUT

ELIJAH
I didn’t say “slap his ass!”

CASSIE
It’s all I could think of! Did it work?

PARKER
Yes! we can talk again!

LINUS
I’ll expand a forcefield and break this cell door open!

SFX: FORCEFIELD, DOOR CREAKING OPEN

ROSE
You’ve broken my control over Blue Moon! You’re going to regret that.

CASSIE
Sorry, not sorry!

ROSE
I’m going to enjoy killing you.

CASSIE
Ah! Bye!

SFX: TELEPORT

ROSE
Where did she go?

ELIJAH
She teleported away where you can’t hurt her!

PARKER
Wow, maybe she should change her superhero name from Deus Ex Machina to Cameo. Or Climax!

LINUS
Ew, no, dude.

PARKER
Yeah, maybe not Climax. But Cameo slays!

ELIJAH
Blue Moon, go get help! But leave your phone here so we can keep streaming!

BLUE
On it! Be right back!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY

ROSE
Where are you going? Ugh, good help is so hard to find.

ELIJAH
We all have our powers now, and you’ve lost your advantage. There’s nowhere to run!

ROSE
I’m pretty sure your immunity to powers won’t prevent me from ripping your head off your shoulders with the strength from the Power gem.

LINUS
Get away from him!

SFX: FORCEFIELD GENERATION

ROSE
How quaint. A pitiful little forcefield. Just one little kick should take care of that… Ha!

SFX: FORCEFIELD IS HIT AND DISSIPATES

LINUS
(screams)

SFX: LINUS COLLAPSES

PARKER
Security Blanket!? Are you okay?

ELIJAH
He’s still breathing!

ROSE
That was like ripping through a piece of paper. You’re next, truth teller.

ELIJAH
Stop it! Please!

PARKER
Stay away from him!

SFX: SWOOSH, PUNCH

ROSE
You dare lay your sticky little hands on me?

PARKER
Oh, god! No!

ELIJAH
Let go of him!

ROSE
Ha!

SFX: SNAPPING PARKER’S ARM

PARKER
(grunts)

SFX: PARKER FALLS

ELIJAH
CLIFF HANGER!

ROSE
Hmm. What a waste.

ELIJAH
You’re insane!

ROSE
I’m many things— insane is not one of them.

ELIJAH
Is he… is he dead?

PARKER
You can’t… get rid of me… that easily. I’m just trying not to pass out.

ROSE
Breaking one’s arm tends to have that effect.

PARKER
I’d make a joke… about how it’s… not very humerus, but you broke my… BLEEPing ulna…

ROSE
Clever wordplay. I like you.

ELIJAH
Cliff Hanger, why did you try to save me?

PARKER
There isn’t much… I wouldn’t do… For you…

SFX: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING IN

BLUE
In here! They’re right in here!

ELIJAH
Blue Moon! Pitch!

TAMMY
Get the BLEEP away from my boyfriend and my friend! And Cliff Hanger.

PARKER
Thanks.

ROSE
You can’t hurt me. I’m too strong.

TAMMY
Are your ears? (deep breath, sonic scream)

ROSE
(cry of pain)

TAMMY
Her balance is BLEEPed, run and re-group!

ELIJAH
Cliff Hanger, can you walk?

PARKER
My arm’s broken, not my legs…

ELIJAH
Here, I’ll help. Come on!

TAMMY
Blue, help me carry Security Blanket!

BLUE
BLEEP! I almost forgot my phone!

TAMMY
Come ON! Move!

ROSE
I’ll destroy you, girl.

BLUE
You’re not the only one here with the power of an eternity gem!

SFX: HYPNO-BUTT

ROSE
What… what are you doing to me?!

BLUE
I’m changing… reality… and sending you… far away!

SFX: HYPNOBUTT FADE OUT, SWOOSH

TAMMY
Holy BLEEP, where’d she go?

BLUE
I’m not sure, but I imagined the biggest, bluest thing I could, and I sent her there.

TAMMY
What? Where?

BLUE
The ocean!

TAMMY
Oh god, she is NOT gonna be happy when she finds her way back.

BLUE
That’s a problem for tomorrow’s Blue.

TAMMY
Turn off your phone and help me carry my boyfriend!

BLUE
Okie dokes!

FADE IN BLUE MOON THEME MUSIC

BLUE
Well, you saw it here, Blue Mooners! My juicy blue peach is one of the strongest forces in the known universe, there’s a bone sticking out of some guy’s arm, and there’s an immortal nut job on the loose. That’s it for now, Mooners! Like and subscribe! Oh, and call an ambulance! Love you!

END BLUE MOON THEME

FADE IN SECOND FIDDLES THEME MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Blue Moon is voiced by Adam Donnelly, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Silver is voiced by Jenny Gibson, Chameleon is voiced by Allana Langen, Noelle is voiced by Gwen Brown, Elijah is voiced by Nick B, Ploonjer is voiced by Nick B, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, Parker is voiced by Greg M, Cassie is voiced by Tatiana Reed, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Gale is voiced by Betsy Harris, and Rose is voiced by Chrisi Talyn Saje. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

To connect with us on social media, follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, tumblr at Second Fiddles, and twitter or X at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2-N-D-Fiddles. Transcripts of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!