55 - The Big Reveal

SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles: The hero Chameleon, who Elijah informs me is one of my close friends, has disappeared, joining Max’s sister Tammy, the sidekick Crampus, and many others. Where are these heroes? Are they okay? Are they scared? Are they waiting to be saved? Luckily, we came up with a plan to locate each other if we go missing: We are now all wearing a special watch that contains a tracking chip. I hope, wherever they are, we are able to find these lost heroes sooner rather than later. Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 55: The Big Reveal.

TAMMY
Chameleon? You’re gonna feel groggy, but just stay calm.

CAM
What the BLEEP are you talking about?

TAMMY
You were abducted, but now you’re safe, okay?

CAM
Abducted is not a safe thing to be!

TAMMY
You’re in your own room here at Red Thorn Ranch. Do you remember who I am?

CAM
Do I… uhh… Tammy? Tammy.

TAMMY
Good, it’s really nice to have another friend here.

CAM
Nice for you, maybe! What the BLEEP is going on?

SILVER
Don’t worry, Chameleon. We can answer all of your questions.

CAM
Holy BLEEP! Sally Mander?

TAMMY
Don’t worry, I thought the same thing! This is Silver, Sally’s twin sister. She’s not evil, I promise.

CAM
The one Linus is looking for?

SILVER
That’s me!

CAM
BLEEP, I was about to punch you in the elegant face.

SILVER
Thanks for not. The last time I let someone punch me in the face, I got paid two thousand bucks, and it didn’t even bruise! I had to do it with my top off, but at least they let me wear wool socks to stay warm.

CAM
Oh, I think we’re gonna get along just fine.

TAMMY
Yeah, she’s certainly lived an interesting life.

CAM
Uhh, why can’t I use my powers? I just tried to make myself taller and nothing happened.

TAMMY
I wasn’t sure how the power dampening field would affect your shapeshifting, but it looks like it just locked you into the shape you had when you got here.

CAM
Well, BLEEP. Where is here, anyway? I’m on a ranch?

SILVER
This is Red Thorn Ranch. We’re a community of formerly powered people living together and becoming the changemakers we were always meant to be before superpowers ruined our lives!

CAM
Oh. So a cult.

TAMMY
That’s what I said at first, too, but honestly, other than missing Max and Linus, this is the happiest and most relaxed I’ve been in at least 10 years.

CAM
Oh, they got you bad.

TAMMY
No, seriously, I’m still me. I swear!

CAM
I’m the one who swears around here, Tammy.

TAMMY
BLEEP you.

CAM
Okay, hit me. What’s the bizarre object of worship or freaky rituals?

TAMMY
As far as I can tell, we just don’t have access to our powers, and we all work to take care of each other here. There’s no touchy guy in robes or anything.

CAM
Hmm, less exciting. Is there some ‘special’ day coming up where we all drink kool-aid together?

SILVER
No, I work in the kitchens. There’s no way we would ever serve kool-aid. We could poison the kombucha? But that’s not really the vibe.

CAM
Kombucha is poison enough without any help.

TAMMY
Did I ever tell you about a henchie I met who tried to go by the alias Kool-Aid Man?

CAM
Was he sued for copyright infringement?

TAMMY
Yeah, but that’s not the fun part. His skin was bright red, but when he tried to crash through a brick wall yelling “Oh yeah,” he just smashed into it and collapsed into a pile on the ground. He was covered in blood from a broken nose.

CAM
That’s kinda sad.

SILVER
Aw, yeah. The last time I was covered in blood, at least it wasn’t my own!

CAM
Oh, goddamn it. Does this cult do blood sacrifices or something?

SILVER
No. When I was like 16, a boy invited me to his prom, and I totally got Carrie’d. I should’ve seen it coming after I won prom queen, which was super weird because I didn’t even go to that school, but whatever.

TAMMY
Oh my god, that’s awful!

SILVER
It could’ve been worse.

CAM
Why did they do that to you?

SILVER
They made fun of me because I was the poor girl in foster care. It’s okay, though. When the gymnasium mysteriously caught fire, I was the only survivor. Just another example of my good luck powers saving my life.

CAM
Your power is good luck? Seriously?

TAMMY
She says that, but if you ask me, it sounds more like bad luck.

CAM
I mean, she did end up in a cult, so...

SILVER
I came here voluntarily!

CAM
Uhh, sure.

SILVER
I’m allowed to like it here.

CAM
I didn’t say you weren’t.

SILVER
I don’t have to worry about finding a job—I have everything I’ll ever need right here. I have friends like Tammy, who I would’ve never met back in Rose City, and there are a million other perks.

CAM
Perks? I like perks.

SILVER
We have movie nights, those are fun!

TAMMY
And the gardens are really peaceful. I started working there a while ago, and I think I’m finally getting my green thumb.

CAM
Okaaay…

SILVER
We have a spa, too, if you ever want a massage, or time in the steam rooms.

TAMMY
Yeah, Crampus is here, too. She works at the spa!

CAM
I guess it’s better than everyone being killed.

TAMMY
It’s completely safe here.

CAM
Hmm.

SILVER
The food is amazing, too.

TAMMY
She’s right, it’s so BLEEPing good. Last night we had beef wellington and homemade watermelon mint sorbet for dessert.

CAM
That sounds pretentious.

TAMMY
Pretentious and delicious!

CAM
Dammit, now I’m hungry!

SILVER
I’ll be burning a ton of calories at the orgy I’m going to later, so I’ll be famished. We should get dinner together!

CAM
Uhh, did you say ORGY?

SILVER
Yeah! We’re all about free love and self expression here!

CAM
Tammy, have you been to one of these?

TAMMY
Oh, no, I’m still waiting for when Linus eventually shows up. I’ve been tempted, but Silver gives me a lot of alone time when I ask, so I’m not all pent up or anything.

CAM
If Linus shows up, it’ll be to break you out, not jump in on a cult orgy!

TAMMY
Either way, it’ll be sooner than later, so I won’t have to wait THAT long.

SILVER
So, what do you say?

CAM
About what? The orgy?

TAMMY
I may have told her how much you like sex.

CAM
Well, if there’s nothing better to do, I might as well enjoy myself!

SILVER
Great! In case you’re wondering, my erogenous zones include my knees, my elbows, and my—

TAMMY
Save it for the orgy!

SILVER
Fine, spoil-sport. Okay, well, I’m gonna go for a walk, and then you can help me pick out my outfit.

CAM
Why bother wearing anything? You’re just gonna take it off.

SILVER
I like the way you think. Ta-ta!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

CAM
Oh, Tammy, that girl is trouble.

TAMMY
Tell me about it.

CAM
Now that we’re alone, I need to tell you—The team should be monitoring my location through this watch Elijah gave me. Help is on the way!

TAMMY
Oh my god, that’s great! Can I see it? I want to make sure it wasn’t damaged while you were transported here.

CAM
Yeah, sure!

TAMMY
Thanks.

CAM
What the BLEEP are you doing?

TAMMY
Breaking your watch. Duh.

CAM
What if they didn’t get a lock on my coordinates?

TAMMY
Let’s hope they didn’t! You’ll mess everything up!

CAM
What are you talking about? Did you already have a breakout planned? 

TAMMY
You don’t get it. You’re not going anywhere.

SFX: INTERCOM BEEP

This is Tammy. We have a code blue with the new rosebud. Room 304. Come fast.

CAM
What’s wrong with you?!

TAMMY
Normally the acclimation process takes longer, and we would ease you into it before giving you the opportunity to ascend, but now we have to speed things up.

CAM
I can’t believe you drank the BLEEPing kool-aid, Tammy!

TAMMY
I’m still me, Chameleon! I’m just a better version!

CAM
Agree to disagree.

TAMMY
If you fight this, I’m going to have to hurt you. Neither of us want that!

CAM
How exactly would you hurt me? I thought we didn’t have any powers.

TAMMY
Rosebuds, petals, and stems don’t have access to their powers, but Blooms like me do! It’s amazing!

CAM
God, I hate cult jargon.

TAMMY
Don’t struggle, please. You’re still my friend!

CAM
Goddamn it. What is a code blue?

SFX: DOOR KNOCK

TAMMY
Oh! It’s time for the big reveal!

CAM
Uhh.

SFX: DOOR OPEN, CLOSE

BLUE
A code blue means you get to meet me earlier than planned.

TAMMY
Chameleon, meet Blue Moon, the leader of Red Thorn Ranch. I didn’t reconnect with him until I ascended, but then everything became clear when I saw the light.

CAM
Blue Moon? I thought you were dead!

BLUE
I thought I was dead, too, to be honest with you.

CAM
Okay, lay it on me. What is your BLEEPing deal?

BLUE
You see, when I was breathing my last breath, I was saved by–

CAM
Wait, is this gonna be a long story?

BLUE
Geez, impatient much?

CAM
Well, I do have an orgy to get to. Please continue.

BLUE
Thanks. Anyway, I was rescued by a woman who called herself “Rose.” She used healing powers to restore me to my former handsome glory, and enhanced my powers. Instead of using my sweet blue ass to influence others in subtle ways, I can completely hypnotize anyone who sees the light. Literally, the light shining out of my ass.

TAMMY
Isn’t it glorious?

CAM
I mean, it’s kinda hot, yeah, but… I have questions.

BLUE
Like what?

CAM
Why do I feel happy all of a sudden? I should be scared, or anxious, but my fight or flight instincts are failing me hardcore.

TAMMY
That’s what his light does. It washes away the fear and the pain, but leaves behind the important things, like your sarcasm.

BLUE
Yeah, ya gotta keep the sarcasm.

CAM
So you’re not brainwashed?

TAMMY
Oh, definitely, but I’m totally okay with it, and I actually enjoy it. It’s hard to describe.

BLUE
I don’t want to hurt anyone. Red Thorn Ranch is about healing, and finding your place in the world. That’s why we strip away your powers when you first get here, so you can figure out who you are without them. That way, you can use them more responsibly.

CAM
I call bullBLEEP. Objectively speaking. Because of your butt light, I actually believe everything you’re saying here, but I’m trying to play devil’s advocate.

BLUE
Hmm, you’re able to question me more than others in your situation. I wonder if that’s because we sped up the process?

TAMMY
It’s probably because they’re… not human?

BLUE
I’ve never tried to hypnotize an alien before. What a blast!

CAM
I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. How do you choose who gets the dubious honor of being here, anyway?

BLUE
The goal is to eventually bring in everyone with powers! We started with people who have fewer ties to the outside world. Your friend who controls people’s muscles was a welcome addition, as well as Silver, who didn’t even know she had family.

TAMMY
Crampus—who goes by Noelle now—was lonely. Sidekicking for Lucy Lucid wasn’t fulfilling her, and she had no family left. Now, she’s thriving as her true, authentic self.

CAM
News flash, dipBLEEP, I have a baby at home, so why the BLEEP am I here?

BLUE
Uh oh! I did not see a baby in your file. We’ll send someone to pick them up right away!

TAMMY
Easier said than done. Baby Stevie lives in the league headquarters. There’s insane security.

BLUE
Oh. That sucks.

CAM
Elijah will realize I’m missing. There’s no way you’re getting near Stevie.

TAMMY
What are you talking about?

CAM
Elijah is immune to whatever or whoever is erasing us from memories. His powers were reversed by the Threat–he can see invisible things… AND remember what everyone else has forgotten.

TAMMY
Oh! I’m glad he’s not completely powerless. But, uhh, does this mean we have to take him next?

BLUE
Huh. I had no idea someone could see through the reality manipulation.

CAM
Reality manipulation?

TAMMY
Yeah, it’s not like Sophia’s sister, Frankie, who just replaces memories. Reality is actually being completely rewritten every time someone joins us here.

CAM
Oh, is your magic ass doing that too?

BLUE
Nope, even my sexy cyan backside isn’t strong enough for that.

CAM
Then what’s causing it?

BLUE
So, here’s a little secret. I have no idea!

CAM
Don’t you run this place?

BLUE
I’m the manager, not the owner. Our benefactors, the Order of the Rose, are way above my paygrade.

CAM
How much does one get paid to run a cult?

BLUE
I don’t actually get paid anything. Money has no meaning here!

CAM
Then how do you keep the electric on?

BLUE
We have solar panels.

CAM
But who paid for the solar panels?

TAMMY
We’re getting off track.

BLUE
You’re right. Thank you, my scream queen.

TAMMY
I don’t hate it when you call me that.

BLUE
I still can’t believe you were brought here without my knowledge. When I saw you in the gardens, all dirty and sweaty, picking tomatoes, I couldn’t believe my eyes.

TAMMY
Yeah, I almost BLEEP myself because I thought you were a ghost.

BLUE
But then I shined my light on you and you ascended, and now all is right with the world.

CAM
Wait, why didn’t you know Tammy was here?

BLUE
Like I said, I’m a low-level manager. If the Order of the Rose were a department store, I’d be like, an assistant manager. Or maybe just a department manager.

CAM
So who’s actually in charge?

BLUE
The woman who saved me. Rose.

TAMMY
Hence the name “The Order of the Rose.”

CAM
Wow, BLEEPing creative. So her power is healing?

BLUE
Yes, it’s amazing! She brought me back from the brink of death, taught me the mission and ways of the ranch, and asked me to help her change the world.

CAM
So you’re the only one here not brainwashed?

BLUE
I guess so, but I owe Rose my life. I couldn’t say no.

TAMMY
Saying no is actually really easy. I used to do it all the time!

BLUE
I’m not you. And the world thought I was dead, so I figured it would be easier to start over fresh.

CAM
Don’t you miss your fans?

BLUE
Yeah, and I do miss vlogging, but that’s all behind me.

CAM
Ha, ‘behind’ you!

BLUE
Good one!

CAM
You should start making content again. You were always so goofy and random; I’d keep watching you.

BLUE
I’ll take that as a compliment, my alien compadre!

CAM
So if you were the first person at the ranch, did you bring the rest of them here?

BLUE
At first, it was easy to recruit people. I know it’s a cliché for sidekicks and heroes to be orphans, or have tragic backstories. We sought out those people first, and most of them were willing, even without my posterior powers of suggestion.

CAM
That tracks. And the Rose City hero scene is so hyper-competitive it was probably a relief to not deal with the constant cycle of auditioning and disappointment.

BLUE
I know. Last year when I auditioned for Pitch, here, it was super stressful. But hey, it’s not like I was gonna get hired anyway.

TAMMY
Actually, that’s not completely true.

BLUE
Uhh, exsqueeze me?

TAMMY
Before I decided to create Pitch Force with Security Blanket, you were… actually my first choice for sidekick. Crazy, right?

BLUE
I was?!

TAMMY
Yeah, but then I thought you died, like, literally 10 minutes after I made that decision, so I thought it was a sign from the universe… or whatever.

BLUE
Whoa. Seriously? Me? A superhero? Why?

TAMMY
I don’t know. Under that persona you put on for the cameras, I thought I saw someone who actually cared about making the world a better place. And now, it seems I was actually right.

BLUE
Sorry, it’s just hard to ever imagine being a hero.

CAM
Our friend Ren told me that before Sally Mander died, MacGuffin had Sally Mander attack you because you were going to join Second Fiddles against the Threat.

BLUE
Are you BLEEPing me? I was supposed to be an actual superhero?

TAMMY
Well, at the time, Second Fiddles was just a support group for sidekicks —and wannabe heroes— but now that it’s an officially league-sanctioned team… you would’ve been a legit superhero.

BLUE
Too legit?

TAMMY
Too legit to quit.

CAM
Can we please do without the MC Hammer reference?

TAMMY
You know, there was actually a henchie named MC Stammer.

BLUE
Oh! I know this one! He wanted to be a rapper, but his speech impediment made it really hard, so he turned to a life of crime.

TAMMY
Exactly!

CAM
I should be rolling my eyes now, but your butt light actually makes me appreciate the word play. Is this my life now?

BLUE
You betcha!

CAM
So, what now? I’m part of the cult?

BLUE
That depends. Do you want to escape or harm us in any way?

CAM
No. I want to want to escape, but… I don’t. I’m really just thinking about dinner. And going to an orgy with Silver.

BLUE
Oh! I’m going there too! We can all BLEEP each other!

TAMMY
No, thank you! I’m still waiting for Linus to join us.

CAM
Hey, more for me! Does your magical ass have any other powers I should be aware of?

BLUE
Oh, just you wait.

CAM
Hot damn!

TAMMY
So, Chameleon, is cult life what you thought it’d be?

CAM
I’ll get back to you after dinner… and the orgy.

BLUE
So, do you want to borrow my assless chaps for the occasion? I was thinking of wearing just a jockstrap.

CAM
No way! Do you have any of those rompers with the buttflaps here?

BLUE
I do indeed!

CAM
Nice! I remember seeing those in one of your final videos, when you were plugging the local boutique that made them for you.

BLUE
Yeah, that was a fun one to make.

CAM
Seriously, you should think about making more videos. Even if they’re only screened here at the ranch, it could be really fun! Keep those creative juices flowing!

TAMMY
Juices? I thought that’s what the sex party was for.

BLUE
Touché, scream queen! But yeah, you’re right, maybe I should start making videos again…

CAM
Just sayin’.

BLUE
Chameleon, I think you’ll fit in here splendidly.

CAM
Oh, just wait, I’ll show you what I can fit in.

BLUE
I’ve always wanted to get probed by an alien!

CAM
Could be your lucky day!

TAMMY
Geez, this is too much, even for me. Let’s just end this conversation now, okay?

BLUE
Ugh, fine!

CAM
Spoil-sport.

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Silver is voiced by Jenny Gibson, Chameleon is voiced by Allana Langen, Blue Moon is voiced by Adam Donnelly, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

To connect with us on social media, and see the character art that’s out there, follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, tumblr at Second Fiddles, and twitter, or X, at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2-N-D-Fiddles. Transcripts of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thank you so much for listening!