54 - Babysitting

SOPHIA
Hello, listeners! It would seem that something is hitting the proverbial fan. Have you ever seen a video of a hippopotamus defecating? Its tail spins in a circular motion and sprays fecal matter around in an alarming radius. Look up “hippo pooping.” It is both fascinating and revolting at the same time. Now, replace the fecal matter with missing people, and replace the hippopotamus with the plot of this podcast, and here we are. Previously, on Second Fiddles: The former Kromin general Ploonjer arrived on Earth and has been adjusting to life masquerading as a human. According to Elijah, the hero tasked with Ploonjer’s care has just disappeared. Apparently, as of this morning, a shapeshifter named Chameleon has also been erased from our memories, joining the growing list of missing heroes. As our numbers are dwindling, two reserve members of Second Fiddles have been called upon for assistance. Ren and her younger sister Cassie have been tasked with babysitting Ploonjer, as well as an actual infant, Chameleon’s alien progeny, Baby Stevie. Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 54: Babysitting.

PLOONJER
Thank you for coming to my aid, earthling trash. The Sovereign Supreme will most likely need their diaper changed shortly, so prepare for a stinky afternoon.

CASSIE
Ew, I am not cleaning up any baby messes.

REN
I thought you actually wanted to be an active member of Second Fiddles.

CASSIE
Yeah, like, fighting crime, Kare, not babysitting an alien.

REN
Beggars can’t be choosers.

CASSIE
Whatever.

PLOONJER
Okay, so I’m gonna be honest. I’m really confused. I recall communicating with the Sovereign Supreme before coming to this planet, but they are a mere infant, so my mind is unable to reconcile the memory inconsistency.

REN
Ploonjer, we’ve been over this. The real sovereign supreme, Chameleon, disappeared sometime in the last 24 hours, and we can’t remember them, so that’s why you think Baby Stevie is your new Kromin leader.

PLOONJER
I could never forget the Sovereign Supreme, it is my sole mission to serve them!

CASSIE
Does that mean you’ll be changing all the diapers?

PLOONJER
Of course not! These hands are not made for cleaning up human excrement! That is why you were summoned, to assist me in serving my most glorious majesty.

REN
Sorry to burst your bubble, but we’re not exactly here to babysit Stevie. We’re here to babysit YOU.

PLOONJER
But I am no baby! And I do not need to be sat upon!

REN
I don’t know you, and even though you look just like my friend, and even though I believe you won’t hurt that baby, we’re not taking that chance.

PLOONJER
I’m offended. You are being offensive.

REN
Bite me.

PLOONER
Really? Where would you like me to place my teeth?

REN
It’s an expression! Keep your mouth away from me!

CASSIE
When will you know when the diaper’s… full?

REN
Stevie’s asleep now, so we have a while. They’ll probably cry when it’s time. Or we’ll smell it. I don’t know.

PLOONJER
You two humans are rather small. How will you effectively baby-sit on me? I could shapeshift into a larger form and easily remove you.

REN
If you get unruly, I’ll just use my power and sing you to sleep. Same goes for the baby.

CASSIE
It’s like you were born for this. Have you ever thought about having kids?

REN
BLEEP you, Cassie.

CASSIE
(laughing) I love you, too.

PLOONJER
If you have a superpowered mutation, why bring this other, smaller human with you? Is she your pet?

CASSIE
Rude! I have powers, too!

REN
Ha! Cassie’s my sister. Honestly, with everyone going missing, I don’t want to leave her side. If I’m always with her, she probably can’t be kidnapped or whatever happens to these missing people.

CASSIE
The overprotective older sister bit is really starting to drive me crazy. I blew up a tank and saved your life, remember? I’m more than able to defend myself!

PLOONJER
Your dynamic is intriguing. You have equal amounts of affection and disdain for each other.

REN
Yeah, it’s called being sisters.

PLOONJER
Hmm. I would prefer a pet. Have you ever heard of a Red Panda? I saw a video of one on Herotube and it’s literally the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in the entire universe.

REN
Oh god, they gave you the internet?

CASSIE
At least they’re only looking at animal videos!

PLOONJER
Yes, I’ve been watching many earth animals! And some television programs labeled with a lengthy acronym: LGBTQ.

REN
What are you talking about?

PLOONJER
LGBTQ!

CASSIE
I think you mean LGBTQ.

PLOONER
Ah, yes. My apologies. Acronyms are one of the worst things about your language.

REN
Can’t complain there.

CASSIE
Is there a reason you’ve been watching a lot of queer tv shows?

PLOONJER
I’m having trouble understanding human sexuality. I find myself only attracted to males. Is that unusual? I know the biological imperative of the Kromin race is to reproduce, but I am not attracted to females. Does that mean I’m… defective?

REN
No, but it means you and Max have something in common.

CASSIE
That’s one of the good things about humans. Sexuality and gender are social constructs.

PLOONJER
Really? There are not concrete rules?

CASSIE
Nope. And identities can change! I used to think I was asexual, but sometimes I’m attracted to people, but it doesn’t happen a lot.

PLOONJER
In my natural form, I am an asexual being, but you mean it differently, correct?

CASSIE
Yeah, it just means someone doesn’t usually have sexy thoughts or feelings.

REN
So, what, your whole “saving it for marriage” thing is a lie?

CASSIE
I mean, I don’t know if I believe in marriage, but there’s no way I’m telling Mom that.

REN
Yeah, she would freak out. She’s already on me about marrying Bram, and we haven’t even been dating that long.

CASSIE
So… you’re not mad at me?

REN
Why would I be mad?

CASSIE
Because I lied about the marriage stuff?

REN
Hey, if you don’t want to have sex, then don’t have sex. I really don’t care.

CASSIE
So you’ll stop judging me?

REN
I think it’s Mom’s conservative upbringing messing with my head. I’ve fought so hard against being like her, I think I overcorrected a bit. Rather than shaming someone for having sex before marriage, I was pushing you to get laid.

CASSIE
That sounds about right. So, we’re good?

REN
Yeah. I’m sorry, Cass, I didn’t mean to make you feel so crappy about it. I was just teasing.

CASSIE
It’s okay, I didn’t really tell you why.

PLOONJER
Excuse me, but this dialogue is really losing my interest.

REN
Your level of tact is something to admire.

CASSIE
Ploonjer, what’s it like being an alien?

PLOONJER
What do you mean?

CASSIE
What’s your society like? Do you have social constructs too?

PLOONJER
I… have never thought about it. The Kromin empire has spent thousands of years spreading to other planets, replacing the dominant species.

CASSIE
Yeah, I get that, but why?

PLOONJER
What do you mean?

CASSIE
So, like, was your planet destroyed? Were you looking for a new home?

PLOONJER
If we came from such a world, I would have learned of it in my schooling. I was born on a space station, not unlike my beloved ToyLitt. This is actually the first time I’ve ever been on a planet.

REN
Really? What did you learn in school?

PLOONJER
We were trained to interrogate and kill, and taught to master our shapeshifting and language skills.

CASSIE
So, nothing about the history of your people?

PLOONJER
I- I don’t know. We are the greatest race in the universe! It is our destiny to rule all!

CASSIE
What you’re describing sounds a lot like brainwashing.

REN
Are there factions of Kromins that don’t believe in the whole spreading to other planets thing?

PLOONJER
Our desire to replace all dominant sentient races throughout the universe is what drives us. Any individual no longer in support of that cause is executed. Or eaten by our Sovereign Supreme. That will be difficult now, as my new leader is an infant, but we could always cut the rebels up into teeny tiny pieces for easier ingestion.

REN
Ew, I just remembered, Recall said you eat babies!

PLOONJER
Yes, the excess spawn created in our breeding grounds were blended into what humans refer to as “smoothies.”

CASSIE
You drink DEAD BABY SMOOTHIES?

PLOONJER
I used to think they were delicious, but then I had Arby’s for the first time, and now nothing will compare. Did you know that they have the meats? All of the meats!

CASSIE
I like their curly fries.

PLOONJER
There were no Kromin breeding grounds left intact, so it doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t be able to consume a nourishing blend of infant broth, muscle fibers, and bone marrow even if I wanted to. The Threat almost completely wiped us out before they came to Earth.

REN
I wonder where your people came from. It’s kinda weird that you don’t know where your home planet is.

PLOONJER
Perhaps shapeshifting was an adaptation that allowed us to survive in non-native worlds. I can easily breathe the oxygen-rich atmosphere of your planet because I’m in human form.

REN
Huh. Well, you’re here, so I guess Earth is your planet for now.

PLOONJER
I suppose it is. I miss living on the ToyLitt. Familiar surroundings help put my nerves at ease.

CASSIE
I get that. I’m supposed to go to college at Rose Academy next year, but I don’t know if I should live at home or move to campus. Financially, it makes sense to stay home and commute, but my friends are all going away to school, so I feel like I might be missing out on something.

PLOONJER
Do you both currently cohabitate?

REN
Yeah, I still live with Cassie and our mom.

CASSIE
Barely! She’s always at school, or working, or sleeping over at her boyfriend’s place.

REN
Oh come on, we still see each other all the time!

CASSIE
This is the longest we’ve been together in weeks!

REN
Really? Huh. I guess you’re right. But hey, I brought you on a Second Fiddles assignment, and you’re always complaining you never get to do any hero stuff!

CASSIE
Watching a baby sleep isn’t exactly the mission I was hoping for.

REN
Beggars can’t be-

CASSIE
Beggars can’t be choosers, I know. I hate when you say that.

REN
Cassie, your powers only work when you’re in trouble, so… forgive me if I don’t want you constantly at risk of being killed!


CASSIE
Being on the sidelines is worse!

REN
Is it, though?

CASSIE
I can help other people stay safe, too, it’s not just about me. You’re still being too overprotective!

REN
I think I’m being just the right amount of protective.

CASSIE
Let’s agree to disagree.

PLOONJER
Are all sibling relationships like this? It’s like you care about each other, but in very odd, counterproductive ways.

REN
Yeah, that’s pretty much how it works.

CASSIE
Sometimes I wish I had a brother instead.

REN
An overprotective older brother would be so much worse. You’d probably be locked in your room for all eternity.

PLOONJER
If you don’t mind me asking, smaller, whinier human, what unique abilities do you have?

CASSIE
Oh. We’re calling my power “adaptive survival.” Things happen when I need help or I’m in trouble.

PLOONJER
Interesting. So, if I were to attack you and try to strangle the life out of your flimsy human body, what would happen, exactly?

REN
I don’t love how you said that.

PLOONJER
It’s a hypothetical! I know I’m nothing more than a glorified prisoner, so if I harm my captors, I’m as good as dead. I might be new to your planet, but I’m not a moron.

CASSIE
I don’t know what would happen. My skin might turn to stone again to prevent you from choking me, or I would grow spikes on my neck to force you to let go?

REN
Yeah, or maybe she would create a forcefield or teleport to safety.

CASSIE
Or my neck might get all stretchy like a rubberband!

REN
Gross.

PLOONJER
I am… mildly impressed. Some of your superhuman mutations are no more than mere parlor tricks — no offense, sleep singer — but yours seems to be amazingly useful.

CASSIE
I don’t want to just pop in at the last minute to save the day. I wanna be proactive, not reactive.

REN
Then maybe workshop a superhero alias other than Deus Ex Machina, because that’s literally what that means.

CASSIE
I could be really helpful!

REN
Wow, it sucks being an impatient teenager, doesn’t it?

CASSIE
Maybe you’re the one someone should strangle! Ploonjer, want to try it?

PLOONJER
No, thank you. I don’t like to get my hands dirty. I’m more of a dispatcher of minions, you know what I mean? I prefer to delegate my violence to underlings.

REN
So… you’re a coward?

PLOONJER
Forgive me if putting myself in harm’s way seems like an unnecessary risk. If I want to get something done, there are easier, more effective ways, such as manipulation or bribery.

CASSIE
(laughs) It’s funny. I wanna be in the middle of the scary stuff, and you want to stay far away from it.

PLOONJER
Wisdom comes with age, kiddo. And I’m guessing I’m well over 4 centuries older than you.

CASSIE
Don’t call me kiddo.

PLOONJER
I was trying a thing. Did it not work? I thought we were bonding.

CASSIE
We met less than an hour ago, give it some time, geez.

REN
I have to say, you’re not what I was expecting.

PLOONJER
Really? What did you think I would be like?

REN
I don’t know. I knew you’d probably be using Elijah’s body, really chewing the scenery with every line, but you don’t seem as evil as I was imagining.

CASSIE
Yeah, and I was expecting some maniacal laughter.

PLOONJER
If I laugh like a mad scientist, will that help? I know it’s important, but I’m not exactly sure how or why.

REN
Definitely not.

PLOONJER
You know, I’m extremely interested in the rise of human civilizations. Would you like to watch a documentary on Mesopotamia with me?

REN
You know what, I really don’t want to deal with you any more today. (clears throat, sings)

Go to sleep, Kromin creep,
You’re really annoying—

SFX: BODY DROP

REN
Oh, that was fast. Sleep tight, you alien weirdo! Hey, Cass, where’d you get those fancy headphones?

CASSIE
What?

CASSIE
Oh, sorry, I think when you started to sing, my powers made this pair of noise-canceling headphones appear out of nowhere.

REN
Huh. That’s cool! I was kinda hoping you’d fall asleep, too, because I brought my homework…

CASSIE
Hey! That’s mean!

REN
Well, can I have them? They look really expensive!

CASSIE
Sure, but don’t be surprised if they poof into smoke.

REN
Ehh, I’ll take my chances.

CASSIE
Fine. I wonder where all the missing people are going. Do you think they’re still alive?

REN
No idea, but we’ll know soon enough.

CASSIE
What makes you so sure?

REN
You know those special watches Elijah gave us yesterday? Well, they’re trackable.

CASSIE
Oh, like GPS?

REN
Yeah, and he apparently gave one to this Chameleon person, and now they’re missing…

CASSIE
Oh. So he can track them!

REN
Yup. He and Sophia are probably coming up with a plan as we speak.

CASSIE
And that’s why we’re on babysitting duty? Because they’re going to try and rescue everyone?

REN
Pretty much.

CASSIE
Ugh, this is so typical. I never get to do anything fun!

REN
Just for once, could you please do as you’re told and stay with me? I don’t want to have my memory of you wiped.

CASSIE
Oh, because you actually like me?

REN
I don’t like you much lately, but I do love you.

CASSIE
You like me, you like me, you don’t want to forget me!

REN
Oh, shut up you little monster!

CASSIE
I like you, too, Kare.

REN
Wow, I’m the luckiest sister in the world.

CASSIE
You know it!

SOUND: BABY CRIES

REN
Ah crap, Stevie’s awake!

CASSIE
Not it!

REN
Not it for what?

CASSIE
For changing their diaper!

REN
Maybe they’re just hungry!

CASSIE
No way, do you smell that?

REN
Smell what? Ew, god, why?! It’s so rancid!

CASSIE
Have fun!

REN
(groan) I love babysitting. Ugh!

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Ren is voiced by Kristy Barkan, Ploonjer is voiced by Nick B, Cassie is voiced by Tatiana Reed, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

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