52 - Lucid Lucy

SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles: My eternal bestie, Ren, used to sidekick for the B-league dreamwalker known as Lucid Lucy. Without a sidekick for the moment, Lucid Lucy has called on Second Fiddles for assistance. Since mostly everyone else was busy, the sidekick to figuratively draw the short straw was none other than Gale, our dear, sweet, Kelli-Kopter. Lucid Lucy is about to journey into the mind of a serial killer. You know, no biggie. Well, that’s just not true. This is a very big deal! Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 52: Lucid Lucy

GALE
The day is finally here. Kelli-kopter has been summoned by a dreamwalker to aid her in a harrowing quest!

LUCY
What are you rambling on about? Are you ready?

GALE
Sorry, maam. Or, should I call you Lucid Lucy? Or just Lucy?

LUCY
Lucy is fine. Umm… what are you waiting for?

GALE
I’m waiting for you to tell me what to do.

LUCY
Oh my god. Sandwich is finally asleep, so I’m going to use my powers to enter his dreamscape.

GALE
And I’m just taking notes of everything you say?

LUCY
Yes, so I hope you’re literate. You’re kinda giving me circus-folk carney vibes, and I don’t know how I feel about that. Oh, and also, in case the sleeper wakes before me, you’ll need to protect my body.

GALE
Why? Won’t you wake up at the same time?

LUCY
Being ripped out of a dream knocks me out. It’s like being black-out drunk, but without the fun drinking part.

GALE
Hey, at least there’s no hangover!

LUCY
I get a splitting headache. And sometimes I BLEEP myself.

GALE
Oh, yuck. Is that why you’re wearing a diaper?

LUCY
Better safe than sorry!

GALE
Why would I need to protect you? The guy’s wearing restraints.

LUCY
You never know. My old sidekick, Snoozy Susie, used to sing them all back to sleep, but you’ll have to figure it out. What can you do, again?

GALE
I move and manipulate air.

LUCY
Oh! Can you remove it from someone’s lungs? You know, to deprive them of oxygen?

GALE
Uhh, I don’t know. I’ve never tried.

LUCY
Hmm. Disappointing.

GALE
I can make wind, and I can fly when I’m outdoors.

LUCY
I can make wind, too, but it comes out my bottom!

GALE
Do you… mean… farting?

LUCY
Sometimes it’s more than that!

GALE
That’s… nice.

LUCY
Anyway, are you ready? This is when things get weird.

GALE
What did this guy do?

LUCY
Sandwich is a serial killer.

GALE
And it’s just “Sandwich,” like the food, right? Not a witch who controls sand? A sand-witch?

LUCY
Correct. You know, my very first sidekick could control sand. We called him “Sandman.”

GALE
Aww, because you deal with dreams. That’s cute!

LUCY
Well, his sand powers were pretty useless to me, so I fired him after a month.

GALE
Oh! Did he ever sidekick for anyone else?

LUCY
No. He started traveling around the world making elaborate sand castles or something. He was really great to bring along on spring break trips. I think he lives in Cancun now. Last time I was in Mexico, I spent a full week BLEEPing my brains out. When they say don’t drink the water, they mean it.

GALE
Ew! Why does this killer go by “Sandwich?”

LUCY
He leaves behind pieces of his victims between slices of bread. And that’s not the worst part.

GALE
Does he eat them?

LUCY
No, but he only makes his people-sandwiches with the ENDS OF THE LOAF.

GALE
Is that… bad? I don’t mind the crust.

LUCY
He doesn’t even toast them!

GALE
I don’t think that’s as bad as serial murders.

LUCY
Believe me, it’s worse.

GALE
Does he have any powers?

LUCY
Nope, he’s just a plain ole’ human.

GALE
Oh. Then why is he here?

LUCY
I don’t only dreamwalk powered people. They call on me for all sorts of criminals.

GALE
Oh! What are you gonna be looking for?

LUCY
He’s been locked up for a while now, ever since some random hero caught him and blew out his eardrums. I don’t know any heroes in Rose City with sonic powers, and his record didn’t say anything about who brought him in.

GALE
Oh, that’s probably Buck’s sister he told me about. She makes sonic screams and stuff. Or at least, she used to. I hope he finds her soon!

LUCY
I don’t care about anything you just said.

GALE
Are you sure you’re not a dream wraith who feeds on the souls of your victims?

LUCY
Is this something I need to worry about?

GALE
Oh, no, that campaign was years ago. Don’t worry, we defeated the wraiths pretty easily.

LUCY
How have I never heard of these creatures before?

GALE
I’m a roleplayer. They weren’t real! It was just Dungeons and Dragons.

LUCY
Why are you talking about a stupid game?

GALE
Because your personality is giving me twisted villain vibes. Are you sure you’re a superhero?

LUCY
I’m not evil! You try spending time in people’s dreams. Sometimes it’s like trying to swim in an ocean of lime Jell-o.

GALE
Why lime?

LUCY
It’s clearly the worst of all the Jell-os.

GALE
So it’s hard to move?

LUCY
No, I don’t move in dreams.

GALE
Then why is it like Jell-o?

LUCY
Argh! I mean, it’s very difficult. It’s confusing. It’s like looking at impressionism up close. It’s a mess until you take a step back and really get a good look.

GALE
Oh! Do you do impressions? I used to be able to do a good Judy impression.

LUCY
No, impressionism is an art movement. Who’s Judy? Do you mean Judy Garland? Or Judge Judy?

GALE
Oh, no, Judy’s my mom. She sounds like this: “Eat all your vegetables, Gale, or you can’t come with us to fight the mind flayer!”

LUCY
Okay… Is it politically correct to ask if you’re touched in the head?

GALE
I don’t think so.

LUCY
Okay, then I won’t.

GALE
Did you finish telling me everything about Sandwich?

LUCY
Not yet. If we don’t hurry, he’ll wake up before I even start!

GALE
Sorry. So what’ll you be searching for in his thoughts?

LUCY
(sigh) No one’s ever found where he stashed the bodies of his victims. They only found the parts left behind with the bread crusts. And he’s not talking.

GALE
So you’re going to look through his dreams to find clues about his victims?

LUCY
Exactly.

GALE
Okay… I think I’m ready now.

LUCY
Finally! Okay, take a step back. Okay, here I go. Prepare for me to enter your subconscious, you villainous crust-loving murder-man!

GALE
Hmm, I wonder how long this is gonna take.

LUCY
I can see a chimney. It’s made of… licorice. And the smoke from the chimney is blood red.

GALE
Uh, I forgot, am I supposed to be taking notes? Uh, I’ll just take notes.

LUCY
Sandwich is a young boy now, afraid of approaching the girl he likes. He’s trying to talk to a classmate, but every time he opens his mouth, he throws up a little. Oh, no, wait, this is just a memory of a character from South Park. Ooh, look, his first puppy! I wonder if he eats it…

GALE
This is definitely gonna take a while.

LUCY
I can’t tell if the puppy is a chihuahua or a Jack Russell terrier. Maybe it’s a Scottie? It’s hard to tell when they’re so small. Hi, little puppy! Have you been a good boy?

SFX: TIME JUMP TRANSITION

GALE
Oh, no!

SFX: PHONE RINGING

REN
Hello? Is everything okay, Gale?

GALE
Ren, I need your help!

REN
What’s going on?

GALE
I’m filling in as a sidekick for Lucid Lucy, and something happened!

REN
Huh? I can’t remember who, but I thought she already hired a replacement after I quit.

GALE
Elijah told me that the sidekick who replaced you, Crampus, disappeared yesterday, that’s why you can’t remember him!

REN
What, like Max’s sister person?

GALE
Yeah. Every day, Elijah has been writing down all of the sidekicks and heroes he knows and gives the list to Sophia, and the ones she can’t remember are added to a database of disappeared people.

REN
So it’s not just this Pitch chick that’s gone?

GALE
No, there are at least seven by now, including the Crampus sidekick that took your old job. That’s why I’m here. Elijah reached out to Lucid Lucy this morning to see if she remembered Crampus, but she had no idea what he was talking about. She begged him to help her find someone to help with a dreamwalk today, and then he called me up to see if I’d be willing to try.

REN
This whole situation is crazy.

GALE
I know!

REN
Okay, so what’s going on? Did Lucid Lucy poop her pants again? It’s okay, she wears diapers.

GALE
No! I mean, yeah, she did, but that’s not the problem!

REN
What’s happening?

GALE
She was talking a lot, telling me what she was seeing and hearing. And tasting. That was gross. I didn’t need to know what eating human sandwiches tastes like. She even threw up a little. It’s all over her chin!

REN
And?

GALE
And then she just… stopped talking. It’s been like 20 minutes and she hasn’t made a peep. I’m getting worried.

REN
It sounds like she’s getting drawn too deep into the subconscious. This happens sometimes. Do exactly as I say, okay?

GALE
Okay…

REN
Slap Lucid Lucy in the face.

GALE
What? Why?

REN
It’ll snap her out of it. She always says if you wake her up while she’s dreamwalking, she’ll get stuck in there or die or whatever, but that’s a lie.

GALE
How hard? Like a light slap?

REN
Like a full-on pimp slap.

GALE
I don’t know what that means!

REN
Slap her like a pimp beating a hooker who didn’t make enough money for him!

GALE
Oh my gosh, that’s terrible!

REN
I didn’t say I was condoning it, I’m just explaining what a pimp slap is!

GALE
How do YOU know what a pimp slap is?

REN
I just do!

GALE
Okay.

REN
Did you do it yet?

GALE
No!

REN
Do it!

GALE
Fine!

SFX: SLAP

LUCY
(gasps)

GALE
Okay, she made a little noise. Is that good?

REN
Yeah, you should be okay now.

GALE
Thank goodness!

LUCY
Bread bowls are for soup, not brains!

REN
Do you want me to stay on the line until she comes out of it?

GALE
Could you? It would make me feel better.

REN
Duh, of course.

GALE
Thank you!

LUCY
The thing I lack, the inner beast,
is wrapped in dough and baked with yeast!

REN
Oh, no, she’s rhyming now. I hate when she does that.

GALE
Should I be concerned?

REN
No, it means she’s almost done.
I told you she’s a BLEEPing weirdo.

GALE
I like the rhyming!

REN
Of course you do.

LUCY
The truth is a changing caterpillar,
the butterfly shows he’s not a killer!

Sandwich was the man we blamed,
but now it seems that he’s been framed!

GALE
Really? If he’s not the killer, who is?!

LUCY
I’ll tell you the story without objections.
The real killer causes yeast infections!

This Sandwich fellow is a sneaky faker,
covering up for his girlfriend, the baker.

GALE
Sandwich was lying to protect his girlfriend, who’s the real killer? Is that what you’re saying?

LUCY
It was slow at first, but it’s coming faster,
The reveal is that she’s… the Yeastmaster!

GALE
The Yeastmaster? Who’s that?

REN
She’s a baker with the power to give people yeast infections. And she’s apparently also a serial killer.

GALE
That means Lucid Lucy has all the information she needs, right?

REN
I don’t know. Maybe?

LUCY
Don’t you fret, we’ll eat the baguette.
I’ll eat all the crust until I bust!

GALE
This isn’t making sense!

LUCY
Give me more bread, give me some flesh,
let’s eat his skin while it’s still fresh!

Eat that ear, taste his nose,
chomp that face until blood flows!

Blood, blood, blood, blood!

Body and blood, time to flood,
eat the feast made with yeast!

REN
Gale, she’s spouting gibberish now, just slap her again and she’ll wake up.

GALE
Are you sure?

REN
Yes!

GALE
Okay… Here… goes!

SFX: SLAP

LUCY
Oh! BLEEPing hell! Did you just slap me?

GALE
Yes. I’m sorry.

LUCY
No, thank you, I was getting lost and you pulled me out. I haven’t been pimp-slapped like that since I worked with my former sidekick! Whew!

REN
See? I wasn’t making it up!

LUCY
Snoozy Susie? Is that you?

REN
Are you completely forgetting I changed my name to Lullaby?

LUCY
It IS you! I thought I was imagining things. You know, because I’m constantly imagining things.

REN
How could I forget?

LUCY
Is there any way you would come back to work for me? This new girl is terrible. She just slapped me!

GALE
But– I thought—

REN
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning on your toes. Underground. Wearing rubber shoes. On a sunny day.

LUCY
Well, that’s not zero percent.

REN
Okay, Gale, Lucy’s awake, so I’m hanging up. There’s no way I’m staying on the line to reminisce.

GALE
Okay! Thank you so much!

LUCY
Don’t be a stranger, Lullaby!

REN
Oh, god, I wish I was a stranger. That sounds so nice. Whatever. Bye.

GALE
Bye!

LUCY
Girl, have you been writing everything down?

GALE
Yup! I took notes.

LUCY
Good, because I don’t remember anything I’ve said since we started.

GALE
Really? Why not?

LUCY
Do you remember your dreams in perfect detail after you wake up?

GALE
No… But you weren’t sleeping. Were you?

LUCY
Kind of. I was awake, but also dreaming. I don’t know the science behind it, just that I never remember anything. Now, let’s go over this case before the killer wakes up and says something menacing.

GALE
Okay, but he’s not actually the killer.

LUCY
Are you sure?

GALE
Yeah. You said his girlfriend did it and set him up. She’s called “the Yeastmaster.”

LUCY
Oh, yes, I’ve heard of her. What a fishy situation! And by fishy, I mean her odor.

GALE
Yuck, who would date someone named “Yeastmaster?”

LUCY
I don’t know, maybe somebody with unlimited access to fluconazole?

GALE
Gross.

LUCY
So, did she trick him into it?

GALE
No, it sounds like she framed him, but he still decided to cover for her.

LUCY
You’d be surprised how many stupid boys do idiotic things in the name of love. Actually, if you’ve ever met a human boy, you probably wouldn’t be surprised. They’re all very, very dumb.

GALE
That’s not nice!

LUCY
When they think with their weiners, logic goes out the window.

GALE
That sounds about right.

LUCY
You bet your tailed butt it does.

GALE
Oh, technically, my tail doesn’t come out of my butt. It’s right above it!

LUCY
You’re a weird one.

GALE
Thank you! So, what now? Will Sandwich get set free?

LUCY
Oh, hell no. He aided and abetted a serial killer! He may not be a murderer himself, but he knew what she was doing and did nothing to stop it.

GALE
Oh. Okay.

LUCY
(sigh) Now we need to put in a call to the RCPD to put out an APB on the Yeastmaster.

GALE
She’s a baker, so they should probably start with the local bakeries and go from there.

LUCY
Whatever, I don’t care. My part in this whole thing is over now. Let’s go file your notes, sign some forms, and go home. The police will come and take this guy to the slammer.

GALE
Are the notes I took the only evidence?

LUCY
Pretty much! Don’t worry, they’re usually admissible in court. Don’t ask me how, because I can’t tell you.

GALE
Okay, I won’t!

LUCY
I’m hungry. Want to go grab some chow?

GALE
Sure, what did you have in mind?

LUCY
Hmm, for some reason, I’m really craving a sandwich with hot, wet, dripping meats inside. Ooo, maybe roast beef with jus?

GALE
Uhh, nevermind. I don’t think I’m very hungry.

LUCY
Whatever! More for me! (giggles)

GALE
Ugh.

FADE IN MUSIC

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MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Gale is voiced by Betsy Harris, Ren is voiced by Kristy Barken, Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime, and Lucid Lucy is voiced by Marnie Warner. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

To connect with us on social media, follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, tumblr at Second Fiddles, and twitter at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2-N-D-Fiddles. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thank you for listening!