51 - Unseen Seen

SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Chameleon is helping Ploonjer acclimate to Earth, while Max and Linus try to navigate the Tammy-sized hole in their lives. Really? You couldn’t think of a better way to phrase that other than “Tammy-sized hole?!” This is deplorable writing. Anyway, Elijah discovered his powers were not removed, as he had believed, but were, rather, reversed. You might be wondering, “How does that work?” Well, that’s mostly what this episode is about, so wonder no longer! Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 51: Unseen Seen.

MAX
Chameleon, I can’t believe you actually came to a Second Fiddles meeting. It’s been so long!

CAM
Having a baby will do that to you.

MAX
What, take up all your time?

CAM
Well, that, and drain every ounce of energy required for basic socializing.

MAX
Gotcha. How’s Baby Stevie? Have they turned into any more animals?

CAM
Not yet, thank God. They seem to be limited to imitation at this point, so I’m going to keep them cooped up for a little while until I can figure out this whole BLEEPing shapeshifter-parenting thing.

MAX
I don’t know how you do it.

CAM
Neither do I, especially now that I’m practically raising TWO alien babies.

MAX
Let me guess: Ploonjer?

CAM
Yes BLEEPing Ploonjer. I would much prefer another infant over that clingy BLEEP-head. They’re like Kif and Zapp Brannigan from Futurama mashed up into one insanely irritating character.

MAX
Is that the cartoon with Zoidberg and the mean robot?

CAM
Hey, you actually know something!

MAX
I get your references occasionally. I still have no clue what Babylon 5 is, but I’ll take your word for it.

CAM
I’ll let that go… for now.

MAX
Thank you! So, is Ploonjer just ticking you off in general, or are they doing anything particularly annoying?

CAM
They’re just super needy…and I say this as someone with an infant.

MAX
Are they still using Elijah’s body?

CAM
Yeah, they’ve grown a little too attached to the form. BLEEP, I’m one to talk– my sister’s body is still my default.

MAX
That’s so trippy. Like, there’s someone else who looks exactly like my boyfriend.

CAM
I can’t imagine what that feels like. The way things are going, I’ll probably never have my own partner.

MAX
Do you want one? Aren’t you into like free-love and polyamory and stuff?

CAM
Can you keep a secret?

MAX
Of course! I was in the closet for my entire life until after high school. Aren’t most gays like really good liars from all the practice? Well, that, and insecure, anxious, and… paranoid!

CAM
You’re also really skilled at making most conversations somehow about you!

MAX
Fine. What’s your secret?

CAM
I’m really… into Sophia.

MAX
Cam. Babe. Not a secret.

CAM
BLEEP, really?

MAX
You two flirt in front of me all the time!

CAM
But I flirt with everyone.

MAX
You don’t flirt with me.

CAM
Wait just a damn minute. We fist-bumped when I got here, and then I said, “Do you want to bump more than fists later?”

MAX
How is that flirting? Did you mean “bump uglies,” or, like, something to do with our fists?

CAM
You know, for someone with a role-playing kink, you are shockingly vanilla.

MAX
Aww, thanks!

SFX: DOOR OPENING

ELIJAH
I’m baaaaack!

SFX: DOOR CLOSE

CAM
Speak of the adorable devil.

ELIJAH
Are you two talking about me?

MAX
Kiss first, talk second!

ELIJAH
Fine.

MAX
(Mwah!)

ELIJAH
Better?

MAX
Mmm, much better.

ELIJAH
So, what did I miss?

MAX
Cam likes Sophia!

CAM
Max! What the fuck, dude! You literally just said you would keep that a secret!

ELIJAH
To be fair, that’s not much of a secret, Cam.

CAM
Seriously?

MAX
I’m so sorry. I tried, but I couldn’t keep it in!

ELIJAH
Don’t blame Max, I think it was actually my fault.

CAM
Oh, I can’t wait to hear this. How is it your fault?

ELIJAH
I just came from home, where my parents were helping me test out my new powers, and, there’s kind of a lot to tell you about.

CAM
Oooh, hot goss!

Elijah
So hot.

MAX
You really do still have powers?! That’s awesome! It is awesome, right?

ELIJAH
Yeah. It’s not the same as invisibility, but I think I’ll finally be useful again once I practice and figure out my limitations!

MAX
Aww, you’re always useful!

ELIJAH
You know what I mean.

MAX
Is it what you thought? Instead of being invisible, you can see other invisible stuff?

ELIJAH
Kind of, but more than that. I started with my mom. She turned invisible, and Dad couldn’t see her, but to me, she was still there. She was kinda see-through, but still very much visible. We tried with Dad’s power next, and—

CAM
Wait, I’m lost. I do remember about your Mom, but what does your dad do again?

ELIJAH
Dad is super quiet. He projects fields of silence.

CAM
Gotcha. Proceed.

ELIJAH
When Dad used his powers, I could hear him, so then I tried holding my mom’s hand—like when I would make her invisible—and suddenly she could hear him too! So I tried it the other way, touching my dad while my Mom was invisible, and he could see her!

MAX
So it’s like your invisibility, right? You project a field and can spread it with touch?

ELIJAH
Yeah, but when I touched them, they didn’t remember hearing about Tammy, so that part of it only works with active powers, not whatever changed everyone’s memories before.

CAM
Wait, so when you look at me, do you see my Kromin form?

ELIJAH
No, you look human to me. Can I try touching you?

CAM
I thought you’d never ask.

ELIJAH
Okay, here goes… Holy BLEEP!

CAM
Well, I guess that worked.

ELIJAH
Oh yes, yes it did.

CAM
Be honest…What’s worse, the mouth tentacles or the freaky BLEEPing eyes?

ELIJAH
Definitely the tentacles.

CAM
You can let go now.

ELIJAH
Sorry. That was… enlightening.

MAX
So you can see invisible people, hear super quiet people, and detect a shapeshifter in close proximity. Anything else?

ELIJAH
That’s not even the best part. Or, maybe the worst part, depending on how often you touch me.

MAX
Uh oh. Should I be worried?

CAM
If you two have to break up due to a weird power glitch, I’m gonna lose my BLEEP!

ELIJAH
No, nothing like that. It’s more than just using my senses to detect hidden things, it works with… lying.

CAM
Excuse me?

MAX
Is that why I blurted Cam’s secret when you asked me?

ELIJAH
Exactly. When I was holding my mom’s hand earlier, trying to hear my dad, I asked her what she thought about me having new powers, and… she told me it gave her hope that maybe now I would finally move out of the house.

MAX
Ouch, seriously?

ELIJAH
Yup. She wasn’t able to lie when I was touching her. Once we talked it out a little and we both calmed down, we tested it more, and without fail, they were compelled to tell the truth.

CAM
Remind me never to touch you ever again.

ELIJAH
Why? Do you lie a lot?

CAM
I take on other people’s identities to get by, dumbass!

ELIJAH
Oh, right. Duh.

MAX
This doesn’t make any sense. Why is this the first time it’s worked on me? We’ve touched a lot since you became visible.

ELIJAH
I think it was working before, but you tend to think out loud anyway, and you tell me everything you’re always thinking, so it never made a difference before.

MAX
Well, that’s good, I guess. You know you can trust me!

ELIJAH
Yeah, but this means you can pretty much never lie to me again. Does that… freak you out a little?

MAX
Not really. I mean, I guess I’m never throwing you a surprise party, but I hate party planning anyway. You’re gonna have to be careful, too, though.

ELIJAH
How so?

MAX
You can’t ask me questions you don’t want to know the answer to. Like, don’t ask me what I got you for your birthday, unless you want spoilers.

ELIJAH
Oh, right. I think there’s gonna be a learning curve to this new power set.

CAM
Hey, you two hold hands, I want to ask Max something.

MAX
Should I be afraid?

CAM
Yes.

ELIJAH
(laughs) Okay, what do you want to ask?

CAM
Is Elijah a better kisser than Parker?

ELIJAH
Chameleon!!

MAX
He’s so much better. I actually love it when he does this thing with his—

ELIJAH
That’s enough!

CAM
You’re welcome.

MAX
Ah, come on, Cam, that was low!

CAM
Just think, now Elijah doesn’t have a reason to be jealous of you living with your ex! It’s a win-win!

ELIJAH
Well, you’re not wrong. But never do that again!

CAM
You’re blushing.

MAX
This is going to forever change our alone time, isn’t it?

ELIJAH
Maybe we’ll just try not to speak?

CAM
You BLEEPing idiots–the biggest hurdle in this relationship was communication, and now you can’t hide things from each other.

MAX
Well, I can’t lie anymore, but Elijah still can.

CAM
Oh. I didn’t think of that.

ELIJAH
Yeah, it seems kind of unfair. I want to be seen as an equal.

MAX
It’s not much different than before, if you think about it. Being invisible always gave you a leg up, but it also sucked for other parts of your life. This is just the same kind of double-edged sword, right?

ELIJAH
Huh. Yeah.

CAM
This has been fun, fellas, but I need to go feed Stevie.

ELIJAH
You don’t have to leave, I’m not actually mad at you.

MAX
Yeah, stay! We don’t get to hang out enough.

CAM
I’m not avoiding you, I really do need to get back home. Seriously, being a parent really sucks. I’m always worried about Stevie. It’s a huge mindBLEEP.

MAX
I know, I’m the same way with Eloise.

SFX: DOOR OPEN

ELIJAH
Tell Stevie we say hi!

CAM
They’re a baby, dude.

ELIJAH
Just do it!

LINUS
Oh, hey, Cam, are you leaving?

CAM
Linus! You’re late!

LINUS
Stick around a little longer! I feel like we hardly ever share scenes together.

CAM
You’re right, we don’t. But why start now? See you bad BLEEPs later!

LINUS
Uh, bye!

SFX: DOOR CLOSE

LINUS
Okay, did I miss something? You look extra wired.

MAX
Elijah figured out that his new powers make the unseen seen, like, as long as he’s holding my hand like this, I have to tell the truth. It’s freaking me out a little bit, but also turning me on. Is that weird?

ELIJAH
Maybe I should let go?

MAX
No, I like it. It’s like I don’t have to second guess myself. My thoughts are so clear. It’s actually really cathartic.

LINUS
Wait, your new powers make you a lie detector?

ELIJAH
No, not exactly, people just can’t lie when I’m touching them.

LINUS
Oooh! Sounds like you’ll put Lucid Lucy out of a job. Who needs her to dreamwalk into someone’s head for intel if you can just ask them everything we need to know?

ELIJAH
Huh. Yeah, I guess. Maybe I’ll just keep that part to myself for now, I wouldn’t want Crampus to lose his job.

MAX
Crampus? Who’s Crampus?

ELIJAH
What do you mean? He’s your friend. I’ve only met him twice.

MAX
I think I would remember a friend named Crampus.

ELIJAH
He’s Lucid Lucy’s sidekick?

LINUS
Lucid Lucy doesn’t have a sidekick, not after Ren quit.

ELIJAH
Oh, BLEEP, I think whatever happened to Tammy happened to Crampus, too!

MAX
Are you sure?

ELIJAH
I think so. Linus, do you remember how we took out the Christmas gang a while back?

LINUS
During the stakeout? You beat everybody up before I could even leave the car.

ELIJAH
Ugh, no. Tammy was there, too, and Crampus was your contact. He knew when and where the drop was, and he told Tammy. His stepfather, Nutcracker, was the leader of the Christmas gang.

LINUS
Nope, doesn’t ring a bell.

ELIJAH
This is so bad. I wonder who else is missing?

MAX
What if one of us disappears next? I can’t forget you—you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me!

LINUS
Aww, I love you too, bro, but don’t be dramatic.

MAX
I was obviously talking to Elijah!

LINUS
Geez, I guess I see where I fall in your friend hierarchy.

MAX
Don’t be sad, Line, I’ll always pick Elijah before you. But you are my best friend now, which is really weird to say out loud. I mean, just a couple years ago, I thought of you as an entitled asshole. When you used to call me Doolots, I begged the campus pigeons to poop on your head. I actually felt really bad about that, because Eloise would eat the pigeons who refused to help us…

ELIJAH
Oh dear god, I wish I was invisible again.

LINUS
Umm, maybe you should stop holding hands. There’s only so much honesty I can take right now.

MAX
No, I’m not done. I might not remember my sister, but I know if someone that close to me could love you, I can love you too. I never thought in a million years that I would forgive you and actually enjoy spending time with you, but you’re not who I thought you were. You’re kind, and smart, and you actually look better with your shirt off than I imagined. Like, geez, you clearly only work out to look good, not for actual strength, but that’s fine, because with your forcefields, you don’t actually need to be strong.

LINUS
Oof, that stings.

ELIJAH
The truth hurts, “bro.”

MAX
And Elijah, I know you used to get jealous of my relationship with Linus, because we spend so much time together, and because he’s a straight-up hottie, but you have nothing to worry about. I’m so in love with you, sometimes I’m worried it’s unhealthy. When you’re sleeping, I stare at you like an idiot. Sometimes I take pictures of you sleeping because you’re so cute, and I just can’t—

ELIJAH
Stop talking! Please stop talking!

MAX
I’m not embarrassed.

LINUS
Aww, I feel left out. Can I try?

ELIJAH
Seriously?! No. You both are insane.

LINUS
Lame. Sometimes the idea of not being fully in control is tempting. Which is ironic, considering my father used to try to control me all the time.

ELIJAH
Your uncle, Fourth Wall, is kind of the same way. When I was his sidekick, he always wanted things done in a very particular way. He was a total micromanager, it drove me crazy.

LINUS
Hey, I know a henchman named Micromanager.

ELIJAH
Oh, geez. Can Micromanager shrink down and control ants or something?

LINUS
No, he’s a retail store manager with a micropenis.

ELIJAH
Oh. Where does he work?

MAX
Let me guess, he works at a Dick’s Sporting Goods?

LINUS
Nah, he works at 5 Below, which is also fitting, because he has way less than 5 below, if you know what I mean.

ELIJAH
Eww, Linus, it’s above you to body shame someone.

MAX
Seriously, don’t be a jerk. Just because you have a giant dong doesn’t mean you can say that.

LINUS
Aww, but that’s our thing, right? Making fun of henchies?

ELIJAH
No, that was actually a Tammy thing. She sucked you into her vortex of crappy puns.

LINUS
Sorry. Honestly, sometimes I think my forcefields and face and muscles and IQ and my massive unit are the only things I have going for me.

MAX
You’re also a billionaire.

LINUS
Yeah, but my family’s awful. I was denied normal human connections for so many years, I’m trying to make up for it!

ELIJAH
Ugh, I really hope Tammy’s okay, because you’re pathetic without her.

LINUS
I am?

ELIJAH
Yeah. You kind of complete each other in a weird way. Without her to balance you out, you’re a little much.

LINUS
But I’m still just as handsome?

ELIJAH
You need a therapist.

MAX
So, what’s the plan? For finding my sister?

ELIJAH
I’ll start making a list of all of the heroes and sidekicks I can think of, and have Sophia check it every day to see if her memory of any of them has changed. If we can figure out why these specific people are being targeted, maybe that’ll help point the way.

LINUS
Hey, that’s better than nothing. I wrote back to my mom to see if she could help, but she hasn’t responded.

MAX
I wonder if the memory thing affects animals, too. I could start with Eloise and maybe Ren’s dog, Giles, and go from there. If animals remember her, maybe we can track her that way.

ELIJAH
Well, that sounds like a plan.

LINUS
While we strategize, can I order a pizza?

MAX
The last time I ate pizza I got diarrhea, and I kinda want to have sex tonight, so maybe pick something different?

LINUS
Okay, you need to stop holding hands now, this is out of control.

ELIJAH
Uh, Linus, we’re not touching anymore.

LINUS
Oh, you’re not! Huh.

MAX
Yeah, I just overshare.

ELIJAH
I see why it took us this long to figure out my new powers.

LINUS
Oh, geez. So, what do you want to eat?

MAX
Maybe pasta, or a salad?

ELIJAH
Ooh, can we do sushi?

MAX
Yeah, I could do some cucumber and avocado rolls.

LINUS
Cool. Who’s paying?

ELIJAH
*ahem* Billionaire.

LINUS
Fine, it’ll be my treat.

MAX
In that case, order enough for leftovers!

LINUS
Oh, geez.

MAX
Today has been a really weird day.

ELIJAH
You’re tellin’ me.

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Elijah is voiced by Nick B, Cam is voiced by Allana Langen, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

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CAM
Wait just a damn minute! We fist bumped when I got here, and I then I asked if you would like to fist—

MAX
Hahaha, that’ll be a blooper reel.