50 - Eliot

SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles:
During season 1, I adopted the most adorable of kittens, the tuxedo wearing Eliot. Chameleon recently adopted Danger Damsel’s baby, Stevie, who Max was able to identify as an alien with his powers. I’m actually in this episode, so I guess I should stop talking and get right to it! Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 50: Eliot.

CAM
This is a BLEEPing nightmare.

MAX
Has this ever happened before?

CAM
No! Ploonjer warned me that it might, but I thought I had more time!

MAX
Well, I’m glad you called me. I’ll do my best to help!

CAM
Sophia’s due back any minute. We have to hurry.

MAX
Wouldn’t she be able to help us? She’s really observant.

CAM
Yeah, I guess, but I don’t want to bother her with this.

MAX
But you wanted to bother ME with this? I’m in the middle of trying to locate my missing sister!

CAM
Okay. That does blow. Sophia told me about it.

MAX
Yeah, it’s insane.

SFX: DOOR OPENING

CAM
And I thought my problem was bad.

SFX DOOR CLOSING

SOPHIA
And what problem would that be, Chameleon?

CAM
BLEEP! Hi, Sophia…

SOPHIA
Why is Max here? And why do you both look guilty?

CAM
I can explain!

MAX
Baby Stevie turned into your cat and Chameleon called me over to help tell them apart!

SOPHIA
What?!

CAM
Shut up, you little antlered BLEEP!

MAX
She needed to know!

SOUND: CAT MEW

CAM
See? Here’s Eliot number one.

SOUND: CAT MEW

MAX
And this is Eliot number two!

SOPHIA
How did this happen?

CAM
The bad news is that Stevie started shapeshifting already. The good news is that there are two adorable cats here now!

SOPHIA
The idea of two Eliots is delightful, but I would prefer not to accidentally feed your baby cat food.

CAM
Eh, it’s not actually that much different than baby food.

MAX
Cam!

CAM
What?! It’s mushy and stuffed with vitamins… you know, it’s probably cheaper.

SOPHIA
I wasn’t aware that Stevie was able to shift into non-human forms.

CAM
Neither was I, until Ploonjer told me that a non-royal Kromin doesn’t have the same transformational limitations that I do. So that’s just ducky.

MAX
Aww, I would love for Stevie to turn into a little ducky!

CAM
Not the time, Max.

MAX
Boo!

SOPHIA
And while I was out picking up my new supersuit from Spacy Stacy, you thought that calling Max to help was the best course of action?

CAM
Well, he can telepathically talk to animals AND aliens, so yes.

MAX
I love to feel needed! Wait, Sophia, why was Cam here at your place while you weren’t home?

SOPHIA
We were having lunch, but then I got the call that my new supersuit was ready. Cam suggested introducing Stevie to Eliot so they could socialize better.

MAX
Ah. Gotcha.

CAM
It was really cute at first, too. Eliot was headbutting Stevie, and purring, and Stevie was giggling like a fiend. I took some videos to show you later.

SOPHIA
If you were watching them, why don’t you know which one is which?

CAM
LOOK, I got a text, I looked at my phone for like 3 seconds, and when I looked back up there were 2 cats.

MAX
I know you love pussy, but this is excessive.

CAM
Okay, that was legitimately funny, but I am freaking the BLEEP out right now.

MAX
Sorry. I feel like I’m in the way. Should I go?

CAM
No! Just focus. Use your powers.

MAX
Oh, right.

SOPHIA
Max, can you differentiate between the two Eliots?

MAX
Uhh, animal and alien thought patterns are usually easy to tell apart, but these two are nearly identical.

CAM
Wait! When you held Stevie for the first time, you could sense more about their thoughts, right? What if you touched them?

MAX
It was only helpful when I was learning. After I figured it out, there’s not really much of a difference.

SOPHIA
Could you reach out with your mind and… dig a little deeper?

CAM
Surely my baby is smarter than a cat. No offense, Sophia.

SOPHIA
Offense taken.

MAX
The cat on the left is… sleepy and hungry. And the one on the right is… also sleepy and hungry. Apparently the basic needs of baby aliens and cats are nearly identical.

SOPHIA
But Eliot is no longer a baby.

CAM
And the baby is a goddamn alien! This should not be hard.

MAX
I don’t know what to tell you. I really can’t tell them apart. Maybe shapeshifting into Eliot means Stevie only has the mental capacity of a cat?

CAM
Am I gonna have to ask Ploonjer for help? I do not need his pedantic bullBLEEP right now.

MAX
Are you actually complaining about being royalty and having a devout follower?

CAM
Yes. Yes, I am.

MAX
Lame. Hey, what if we use some catnip? Maybe it’ll affect them differently?

SOPHIA
If they have the same physiology, I don’t see how that would make a difference.

MAX
I’m just trying to be helpful! That reminds me, do either of you remember the henchie Capnip?

CAM
Yeah, but wasn’t his name short for something?

SOPHIA
Capnip was short for Captain Nipples.

MAX
Yeah. He shot energy beams out of his chest.

CAM
Oh, right! His costume had strategically placed cutouts over his nipples.

SOPHIA
He was defeated by Cliff Hanger, if I recall. And I do.

MAX
Ugh, please don’t talk about Parker right now.

CAM
Look, I would love to pester you about your weird love triangle, but my BLEEPing alien baby is a cat.

SOPHIA
Well, both Eliots are curling up for cat naps, so maybe now’s the best time to chat and catch up. Stevie might transform back while they’re asleep.

MAX
What happens to you when you sleep, Cam? Do you stay in whatever form you’re in when you go to bed?

CAM
I don’t BLEEPing know, I don’t record myself sleeping.

MAX
Rude. When you wake up, are you in the same body?

CAM
Most of the time. If I’m in bed with someone else, sometimes I’ll wake up looking like them. So I normally don’t let anyone sleep over.

SOPHIA
Interesting. I would love to observe your body while you’re dreaming.

CAM
That’s a loaded statement.

MAX
Oh geez.

CAM
You’re welcome to stay over anytime, Sophia. Any time my baby is not your cat.

SOPHIA
I’m talking about scientific curiosity! And maybe a little sexual curiosity.

CAM
Ooh! I knew it!

MAX
You two just really need to go on a date or something. The awkward sexual tension is just… well, awkward. 

SOPHIA
Between me protecting Rose City, and Chameleon watching Stevie — and now Ploonjer — I doubt we’d have the time to entertain these… extracurriculars.

CAM
Hey, I will always make BLEEPing time for you. Well, that came out wrong, but you know what I mean!

MAX
I love it when you get tongue tied.

CAM
You have not even seen what I can tie with my tongue.

MAX
Ohhh, golly.

SOPHIA
Let’s quickly shift the topic toward literally anything else, please. Tacos. Want to talk about tacos?

MAX
Pink tacos?

SOPHIA
Oh no.

CAM
Maybe something else else?

SOPHIA
Fine. Max, what’s going on with you and Parker?

MAX
Meh, there’s not much to talk about. I’d rather just stare at the Eliots. I love it when cats squish their eyes closed like that.

SOPHIA
I love Eliot when he’s awake, but there’s something extra special about when he’s asleep. Luckily, cats sleep a lot, so I’m “hashtag blessed.”

MAX
Don’t you ever BLEEPing say that, ever again.

CAM
There’s never a reason to say hashtag.

SOPHIA
I was trying to be ironic. I was doing a thing.

MAX
Well, stop.

CAM
Yeah, you already have a thing.

SOPHIA
I do?

CAM
Yeah, you know… your extremely precise diction?

MAX
Your weird syntax?

CAM
Your unique cadence?

MAX
Your constant serving of emotional robot realness?

CAM
Your sexy librarian vibe?

SOPHIA
My what?

MAX
Hey, you’re right! I can totally see that.

SOPHIA
At least I fully regained my use of contractions after my memory was restored.

MAX
I know what contractions are, but every time I hear that word I just think of someone going into labor.

CAM
Yes, words have multiple meanings.

MAX
Hey, I was valedictorian, remember? I’m not an idiot!

SOPHIA
You certainly bring that up a lot.

CAM
I haven’t heard you say that in months, I almost thought you’d stopped using it as a crutch.

MAX
You suck. And I know words have multiple meanings! I mean, both Max and Buck mean different things. I give good wordplay!

CAM
Aww, we believe you, hun.

MAX
I don’t know if you realize this, but every time you treat me like an idiot, I feel like we’re bonding.

CAM
Wait? Really?

MAX
Yeah, it’s like you’re my older sibling teasing me. Oddly comforting.

SOPHIA
Maybe that’s your brain trying to justify Tammy’s erasure from your memory.

CAM
I still can’t believe you have a sister we can’t remember. That’s bullBLEEP.

MAX
Thanks, I know. Elijah’s testing out his powers today with his mom, to see if anything’ll work, so hopefully we’ll be able to come up with a plan of attack after that.

CAM
Sophia, did you ever check in with your sister and mom about that?

MAX
Yeah, she texted me about it this morning.

CAM
Well, could someone tell me? I’m not psychic.

SOPHIA
Yes. Frankie doesn’t know anything about it, and I believe her. If anything, she’s furious that someone would alter her memory.

MAX
That’s a little “pot calling the kettle black,” isn’t it?

SOPHIA
That’s what I thought, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. We’re still working on rebuilding what we lost.

CAM
What about your mom?

SOPHIA
She does remember me mentioning someone named Pitch, so it proves our hypothesis. It’s not just Elijah who remembers her.

CAM
Well, that’s good, right?

MAX
It means he wasn’t the one whose memories were altered, so that’s good for him, bad for us. Linus is kind of freaking out.

SOPHIA
Because his bachelor lifestyle is the opposite of what he remembers?

MAX
Luckily Elijah and I found him at the bar he went to before he could hook up with a rando, but at least he didn’t accidentally cheat on the girlfriend he didn’t know he had.

CAM
Like I said, bullBLEEP.

MAX
He wants to help find her, but none of us even know what she looks like. Elijah’s not great at drawing, so he’ll be meeting with a sketch artist soon to help us know who we’re looking for.

SOPHIA
That’s smart.

MAX
I know. It was your idea.

SOPHIA
Yes, that’s why I said it was smart.

MAX
*cough* So modest! *cough*

SOPHIA
I don’t have an ego, I’m just pointing out facts. Sometimes I even surprise myself with my ingenuity!

CAM
So sexy.

SOPHIA
Oh, hush.

MAX
Your flirting is almost as bad as me and Elijah.

CAM
Or Parker and Elijah.

MAX
What?

CAM
Yeah, the way Parker’s always asking him questions and staring into his eyes when they talk…

MAX
WHHHY? (groan) I have a track record for being naive, so I’m not surprised.

SOPHIA
They’re right. The prolonged eye contact is rather intense.

CAM
But Elijah always tries to change the subject towards you.

MAX
Are you saying that my ex-boyfriend 
slash roommate 
slash sticky fingers 
slash former vigilante 
slash new second fiddles recruit 
is, in fact, 
crushing on my boyfriend 
slash visible lover 
slash superspy extraordinaire 
slash adorable otter 
slash sexy redhead?

SOPHIA
At least six of those eight slashes were unnecessary.

CAM
I think Parker’s a player. Like, a hardcore player.

MAX
What do you mean?

SOPHIA
Hardcore is more sexually explicit than softcore.

MAX
No, I know that. Believe me, I know that. Is this because he’s a stripper?

CAM
No, this is because he literally told me that he hasn’t been in  a long term relationship since you, and that he’s been “playing the field.”

MAX
Oh, THAT’S what “player” means?

CAM
What did you think it meant?

MAX
I thought it was saying that someone was as sexually active as, like, a rich basketball player or something.

SOPHIA
Why would you think that?

MAX
I don’t know, isn’t there a stereotype that pro athlete guys go through women like potato chips?

CAM
What the BLEEP kind of analogy is that?

MAX
What, I like potato chips!

SOPHIA
“Players” are sometimes known for playing with the emotions of their sexual partners, so perhaps that could be also the source of the terminology.

CAM
Max, were you thinking “player” was the same thing as “baller?”

MAX
No, ballers are just people who play with balls.

SOPHIA
Would you care to rephrase that?

MAX
Like, professionally. Basketball, baseball, football. Things that end in ball.

CAM
Soccer doesn’t end in ball.

SOPHIA
Outside of the United States, it does.

CAM
Good point.

MAX
I don’t know anything!

CAM
I’m just messing with you, being a baller has nothing to do with sex, just money.

MAX
What… what were we even talking about?

SOPHIA
You were going to tell us how things were going with Parker.

MAX
Oh. Right. We haven’t really had a full conversation since we talked about our breakup. The missing sister thing kind of takes priority.

CAM
Did you get any of the closure that you wanted?

MAX
Yeah, I think. I don’t love him anymore, I can say that with certainty. I don’t mind his company, and we still know each other as well as any exes can, but being friends is a big ask right now. Colleagues and cohabitors, sure, but I’m still too hurt to invest any more.

SOPHIA
Is Parker hurting as well?

MAX
Yeah, a little. We were both mostly over it, but being thrown back together like this is making us rehash old feelings.

CAM
What a BLEEPstorm.

SOPHIA
Hopefully you’ll be able to move forward now, rather than dwell in the past.

MAX
I’m a big dweller, so we’ll see how that goes. At least I have Elijah supporting me.

CAM
Good. You belong together. And your role-play with him is so vanilla and stupid, it warms my heart.

MAX
That’s… sweet? Thanks?

CAM
You’re welcome!

SOPHIA
Diaper!

MAX
What?

SOPHIA
What happened to Stevie’s diaper and clothing?

CAM
Oh, when Stevie turned into Eliot, they must’ve wiggled out of it.

MAX
Yeah, there’s a pile over here behind the couch.

SOPHIA
Oh. Of course.

CAM
What was that about?

SOPHIA
I know you’re unable to transform your clothing, so I hoped Stevie would still have part of their diaper stuck to their… fur. To identify them.

CAM
Nope, sorry.

MAX
Have you tried… you know… calling out to them?

CAM
Of course I did! That was the first thing I did.

MAX
Did you try tempting them with your milk jugs?

CAM
Are you talking about my breasts?

MAX
It’s their food source, right? Maybe they’re hungry?

SOPHIA
I’m so happy to have such peculiar friends.

CAM
I mean, we could try...but don’t tell anyone I flashed a cat. I have a reputation to maintain. 

MAX
I can just dig into their thoughts for a second, it should tick them off enough to stir them awake.

CAM
Okay. Do either of you care if I take my shirt off?

SOPHIA
I do… not… mind, no.

MAX
I could say my usual “eww, boobies are gross” thing, but this is mildly important, so sure, go crazy.

CAM
I feel so BLEEPing ridiculous right now.

MAX
You look ridiculous, too.

CAM
Thanks. Jesus BLEEP, what HeroFans insanity is this?!

MAX
Hey, what happened to not swearing around the baby anymore?

CAM
Cats don’t understand English.

MAX
Does it work that way?

CAM
I don’t know.

SOPHIA
I don’t think you look ridiculous, I think you look… remarkable.

CAM
These are not the circumstances I had in mind to be topless in front of you.

MAX
Hey, no flirting! Their eyes are up here!

CAM
I could have eyes down there too.

MAX
Stupid shapeshifters.

SFX: MEWING

MAX
Hey! That one, that one right there. That’s Stevie, on the right.

CAM
Are you sure? Because I do NOT want cat teeth on my nipples. 

MAX
One hundred percent.

SOPHIA
How do you know?

MAX
I just… do. I can sense more advanced thought patterns now.

CAM
Yes! Nudity saves the day!! My tits are magic! 

SOPHIA
Well, they do make food!

MAX
Gross.

CAM
Stevie, why would you scare me like that?

SFX: MEW
SFX: SHAPESHIFTING SQUISH
SFX: INFANT GIGGLE

CAM
There’s my chubby-cheeked little demon!

MAX
Hey! I did something useful!

SOPHIA
Congratulations!

MAX
Does this mean I can go now? No offense, but I have a lot to deal with.

CAM
Yes, of course. If you need any help with the sister search, just let me know.

SOPHIA
Me, too. I’m here to help. If my memory fails, at least I can destroy things as Basher.

MAX
I will keep that in mind.

CAM
Thank you for your help, Max.

MAX
I can’t imagine how hard it’s going to be raising a shapeshifting baby.

CAM
Good thing I like a challenge. And swearing a lot. If that ain’t parenthood, I don’t know what is.

MAX
Are you coming too?

CAM
No, Sophia still owes me lunch, especially after getting a free show. 

SOPHIA
That can be arranged.

CAM
Nice.

MAX
Okay, I will leave you to it.

SOPHIA
It was nice to see you, Max, despite the circumstances.

MAX
Ditto. Chameleon, don’t take your eyes off that baby.

CAM
Yes, sir! Thank you again.

SOPHIA
Good luck finding Tammy.

MAX
Thanks. I think I’m gonna need it.

SFX: MEW

MAX
Bye, Eliot!

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Cam is voiced by Allana Langen, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

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