47 - Sovereign Supreme

SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Before the Threat attacked Rose City, we received a surprise call from Ploonjer, the alien General we encountered on the Kromin space station known as the Toylitt. Ploonjer warned us of the Threat’s arrival, and told us he was on his way to Earth to serve Chameleon, his new Sovereign Supreme. When we last saw them, Ploonjer shapeshifted into Elijah’s form to communicate with us. Elijah won’t like it, but that’s not changing any time soon. Unless any random voice actors out there want to volunteer to play Ploonjer in an upcoming season of Second Fiddles, the same actor will have to play double duty. Ha! The writer of this episode now wants me to make a joke about using the word “duty,” as if I were referring to poop, but I will not oblige his childish whims. Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 47: Sovereign Supreme

PLOONJER
I am honored to be in your presence, your highness.

CAM
It’ll be your highness if you don’t stop calling me that! How many times do I have to say GET BLEEPed? 

PLOONJER
Oh, but you are. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

CAM
I could just leave you here forever alone.

PLOONJER
What is this space, anyway? What is its purpose?

CAM
This is where you live now.

PLOONJER
Are you joking?

CAM
What, is it too small for your bougie standards?

PLOONJER
Quite the contrary. This room is enormous!

CAM
Seriously? This is basically a cell with a kitchenette…and a bedroom with an ensuite.

PLOONJER
There is ANOTHER room? I am not expected to sleep on this… this thing, here?

CAM
Uh, no. That’s a couch.

PLOONJER
I’m confused. Why am I being treated like royalty?

CAM
You’re not. These rooms are BLEEP. There aren’t any windows, and the water pressure is lackluster at best.

PLOONJER
On Toylitt, even as the Ploonjer, my room was a cube spanning two Earth meters.

CAM
How dare you use the metric system in my presence! What’s that, like 6 by 6 feet?

PLOONJER
Give or take a few, uh, inches. Why don’t you use the metric system? It’s so simple!

CAM
Don’t even get me started.

PLOONJER
So… why do I have the privilege of residing here?

CAM
These quarters are set aside for “supervillain resources.” There’s no way to escape—hence the lack of windows and accessible air vents—but we don’t want to strip you of your humanity.

PLOONJER
I am not human, your grace.

CAM
 I mean, your… Krominity? Uh, let’s workshop that.

PLOONJER
I do not understand.

CAM
We try to be humane, to show, I don’t know, some level of compassion.

PLOONJER
You do this for what you call “supervillains?”

CAM
Only if they’re helpful. If you offer us some valuable skills or information, you can earn some extra comforts. If they bullBLEEP us, though, it’s back to Kromin-level hospitality. A little system we call quid pro quo.

PLOONJER
Quid pro quo. I like the way those words feel in my mouth.

CAM
Oh, that’s not creepy. Huh, I just remembered a henchie I fought with a couple years ago: Squid Pro Quo.

PLOONJER
What is a henchie?

CAM
It’s short for henchperson.

PLOONJER
Ah.

CAM
He was a lobbyist with tentacles growing out of his chest. He quit henching to work for a big oil company, which is kind of like getting a promotion to full-fledged villain, if you think about it.

PLOONJER
Do you command that I think about it, your highness?

CAM
You’re really serious about “serving me,” aren’t you?

PLOONJER
Oh, yes. My life belongs to you. My only purpose is to do whatever my Sovereign Supreme wishes of me!

CAM
And you said the previous Sovereign Supreme
was killed by the Threat?

PLOONJER
Yes, as were your siblings, the other royal ambassadors. Because you have yet to awaken your Kromin self, their technology could not detect you.

CAM
That would explain why they thought I was human when I was posing as Max during the attack.

PLOONJER
Indeed, your highness. Had you already awakened, they would have seen through your deception.

CAM
And that’s why I’m only able to shift into other human forms, right?

PLOONJER
Correct. A tragic limitation. I, however, am able to shift into any other species I have encountered.

CAM
Not just humanoids? You can turn into animals, too?

PLOONJER
Within reason, great one. I always maintain the same mass, so I can become very small and dense, but when I grow larger, it becomes difficult to maintain.

CAM
Yeah, I’ve experimented enough with height and weight to figure that one out.

PLOONJER
You are clever and resourceful, my liege.

CAM
I BLEEPing hate suck-ups.

PLOONJER
I will quit it immediately, my glorious, generous, noble majesty.

CAM
You’re awful. So, before you “awakened your Kromin self,” what species were you stuck as?

PLOONJER
The limitations are only imposed on the royal ambassadors, such as you and your kin. This serves to protect them from early detection. If you could shift into other species, you would be immediately known to be of a superior race.

CAM
Ploonjer, do not use that term ever again. There’s no BLEEPing thing as a “superior race.” Got it?

PLOONJER
Understood, your highness.

CAM
Great. So, if you’ve never been awakened, what does that mean?

PLOONJER
It means I never had to reproduce in order to unlock my full potential. I’ve been awesome since birth.

CAM
How many babies have you made? Millions?

PLOONJER
Oh, that would be most unseemly, your majesty! Only high-ranking Kromin such as yourself are permitted to spread our legacy through the universe.

CAM
So, no babies?

PLOONJER
No babies. I mean, I’ve eaten many a baby, of course, but unfortunately none of them were my own.

CAM
Oh BLEEP, I forgot about that part.

PLOONJER
We do not need them to survive, but they sure are tasty!

CAM
Excuse me while I throw up forever.

PLOONJER
I will consume your regurgitation, as well, if you wish.

CAM
BLEEP. I deserved that. Still…

PLOONER
You have much to learn of our ways, my liege.

CAM
That’s what you can thank for the cushy digs. You share information on the Kromin, I give you a larger metric space.

PLOONJER
I thank you for all this… Quid pro quo. 

CAM
Sweet Jesus, stop saying it like that.

PLOONJER
If I may be so daring to ask, your majesty, I have a question about humans.

CAM
Oh, this should be interesting. What is it?

PLOONJER
You once told me that you go through the act of reproducing with other humans for pleasure, and contraception prevents you from satisfying the Kromin imperative to spread your genetics. Is this correct?

CAM
I really don’t feel any urge to have kids. I just love BLEEPin’. That’s all the satisfaction I need.

PLOONJER
Intriguing. So perhaps the feelings I’m feeling in this body aren’t to reproduce, but, instead, to feel pleasure?

CAM
Are you having sexual thoughts?

PLOONJER
Perhaps? I wouldn’t really know either way.

CAM
Wait, are you… a virgin?

PLOONJER
Yes, your grace. I already told you, my caste is not permitted to reproduce.

CAM
That’s BLEEPed up.

PLOONJER
Our base form has no sex organs, remember? We are asexual beings. And I’ve never been in the form of a species that reproduces for pleasure before.

CAM
Well, that sucks.

PLOONJER
Would you do me the honor of educating me on the ways of human pleasure?

CAM
BLEEP no. I’ll show you how to use the internet, and if that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know, and far more than you could ever want to know, then you can ask me.

PLOONJER
As you say, my liege. Thank you for your kindness and compassion.

CAM
That comes from being raised human. That, and I’m very sex-positive. 

PLOONJER
I will take your word for it.

CAM
Yeah you will. Time for you to answer a question.

PLOONJER
It would be the honor of my pitiful existence. I am an insignificant worm, and you are a mighty worm-ingesting predator. Please, figuratively beat my brain with your question until I reply with a satisfactory answer!

CAM
Uhh, okay. Were you… happy? As the Ploonjer?

PLOONJER
To be honest with you, my liege, I was only promoted and given the title of Ploonjer mere days before your arrival at Toylitt. Most of my life was spent fulfilling other duties.

CAM
Like what?

PLOONJER
Before my promotion, I was a pilot. That’s why I was able to outmaneuver the Threat’s ship when I escaped from the Toylitt. I was the best in the fleet. That’s why, when my superiors were called away, I was the highest ranking Kromin remaining.

CAM
Wait, so you never actually fought the A-league? You made it sound like you were responsible for their deaths!

PLOONJER
I was new to the job, my grace, and I felt like some bravado was necessary to impress an ambassador.

CAM
Huh. That didn’t stop you from torturing Elijah, though.

PLOONJER
I gave the commands, yes, but I never laid hands on the “invisible dude.” To be frank, I am not skilled at inflicting pain and removing parts from prisoners. I always jump the gun and kill them instantly. I’m not very good at drawing it out.

CAM
At least I know you’re not lying. Elijah told me the same thing about you.

PLOONJER
I swore to be honest with you, and I will not waiver from that pledge. I am forever yours. Until you die, that is.

CAM
How greatly reassuring.

PLOONJER
I am pleased that your friend survived the Kromin interrogation process. I can tell he means a lot to you, and your happiness is my happiness.

CAM
Thanks, Ploonjer. I don’t know why, but I actually believe everything you’re saying.

PLOONJER
You would know without a doubt if I was telling a falsehood. Let me demonstrate: I love the human race.

CAM
Whoa. I actually knew you were lying.

PLOONJER
See? I was telling the truth. The Sovereign Supreme isn’t respected and obeyed out of mere tradition. It is a biological imperative! Even though you’re not awakened, and cannot feel it yourself, I am drawn to you. I feel tied to you. Connected. Your wish is literally my command.

CAM
Huh. Okay, this is a lot to take in.

PLOONJER
That’s what she said, your majesty.

CAM
What?

PLOONJER
During my trip to Earth, I researched the culture through binging certain entertainment programs.

CAM
Great. I feel like having an alien quoting pop culture references fulfills some sort of trope, but I’m not even sure which one. Did you happen to watch Game of Thrones?

PLOONJER
Winter is apparently coming, my liege. I also watched a lot of something called Lizzie McGuire. And a series of films about supernatural humanoids that glitter in sunlight.

CAM
Oh BLEEP no! Anything but Twilight!

PLOONJER
I am very sorry to upset you.

CAM
It’s okay, Ploonjer, many things upset me. Wait, Ploonjer’s your title, right? So do you have a name?

PLOONJER
Yes, your grace. But my designation cannot be pronounced with this simple human mouth.

CAM
Designation? Are you all numbered or something?

PLOONJER
Indeed. There are spreadsheets upon spreadsheets of our race’s version of alphanumeric codes.

CAM
You’re like nameless stormtroopers?

PLOONJER
Yes, but our aim is slightly better.

CAM
What would you like to be called?

PLOONJER
Reaching the rank of Ploonjer was the highest honor of my life before arriving here to serve you, your majesty, so I would be proud to maintain the title. With your permission, of course.

CAM
Sure, whatever floats your boat.

PLOONJER
Bouyancy counteracting gravitational forces!

CAM
What?

PLOONJER
That is what literally floats a boat.

CAM
That was such a Sophia answer. Do you… miss being Ploonjer?

PLOONJER
Oh, yes, very much so, but I learned shortly after your arrival on our station that the Toylitt was being decommissioned, and I was promoted merely to captain of a sinking ship.

CAM
That was one too many boat references in a row for my liking.

PLOONJER
Sorry, my liege. I won’t rock the boat by making any more such references.

CAM
Great, you’re stealing Elijah’s body AND his sense of humor. So, why was the Toylitt shut down?

PLOONJER
The decommissioning never actually happened, as the Threat arrived and destroyed it, and everyone inside except for me, before it was converted.

CAM
Converted into what?

PLOONJER
Well, a larger space station was being constructed, combining the diplomatic and trade-based spaces for the Toylitt with the war-time capabilities of a battle cruiser.

CAM
Oh, like tearing down an old Taco Bell to replace it with a new Taco Bell/KFC?

PLOONJER
I don’t know what that means, your highness.

CAM
That’s probably for the best.

PLOONJER
At first, I thought the decommissioning was my fault, as I was blamed for releasing Danger Damsel and Smasher into your custody, but Earth didn’t matter to our prior Sovereign Supreme, so it was really just bad timing. The former Ploonjer had been promoted to Cayk of the new space station, the Yoorinol.

CAM
He went from being the Toylitt Ploonjer to being the Yoorinol Cayk?

PLOONJER
Yes, it was quite the promotion.

CAM
Your language really sucks.

PLOONJER
Does it suck as powerfully as a brooding, cultish family of absurdly pallid young adults in a rainy town in Washington?

CAM
What did I say about Twilight references?

PLOONJER
Oooh, I could adopt a name from those films! You could call me… Renesmee!

CAM
Could, but will not.

PLOONJER
I beg your forgiveness, your grace. I shall do my best to avoid Twilight references in the future.

CAM
You will, yes.

PLOONJER
So, your highness, if you don’t mind me asking… what’s next?

CAM
What do you mean?

PLOONJER
What’s next for me? Will I live out the rest of my life alone in these quarters?

CAM
Oh. Uh, I really don’t know.

PLOONJER
Ah.

CAM
I have a lot of questions for you, especially now that I’m raising Stevie.

PLOONJER
I take it that you are referring to the Kromin spawn that Danger Damsel had incubated?

CAM
There’s a human thing called adoption…consider Stevie to be my child. Which means any harm to them would result in my grave displeasure, so jot that down.

PLOONJER
Have they begun transforming into other forms?

CAM
Not that I’ve seen. I only started shapeshifting when I was a teenager, so… we have a long time to prepare for that, right?

PLOONJER
Your abilities were delayed because of your role as a royal ambassador. Stevie doesn’t have those limitations. They should be able to start transforming within months of being born!

CAM
Oh, BLEEP me with a weedwacker. Thankfully, no, they have not started doing that yet.

PLOONJER
It’s only a matter of time! Would you like a lesson on the Kromin life cycle, my liege? And perhaps basic biology?

CAM
As horrifying as both of those sound, I do, for Stevie’s sake.

PLOONJER
I would be honored, oh glorious Sovereign Supreme.

CAM
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your teaching better be a vast improvement over your taste in movies.

PLOONJER
Of course. You see, the Kromin race first evolved from a species not unlike an Earth squid. Are you familiar with what chromatophores are, my liege?

CAM
Oh god, I am already regretting this.

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Chameleon is voiced by Allana Langen, Ploonjer is voiced by Nick B, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

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