45 - Orientation

SOPHIA
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Max and the rest of the support group defeated MacGuffin and “the Threat.” In the aftermath of the alien invasion, yours truly, Sophia, became the new narrator of this podcast. It’s thrilling, but I’m not featured in many episodes, so that part is less thrilling. This is what I get for being extraordinary and joining the A-league. Oh, well. Anyway, the C-league was replaced with a super team called Second Fiddles. This newly formed group has a few reserve members, sidelined for a variety of reasons. Today, their supervisor, Buck, has brought them together for their first official meeting. Let’s begin!

MAT
Episode 45: Orientation

MAX
Welcome to the first formal gathering of the Second Fiddles reserve team.

CASSIE
I thought we were the reserve squad.

GALE
Ooo, maybe we should be the reserve company!

PARKER
What? We’re not a business.

GALE
No, like a company of heroes.

CASSIE
Ohhh. That’s dumb.

GALE
Don’t be mean!

PARKER
She’s a teenager. It’s her job to be overly critical. And ego-centric!

CASSIE
Hey! I’m not ego-centric, I’m just selfish.

PARKER
Why am I even here? Am I the babysitter?

MAX
If you let me speak, maybe I’ll tell you.

CASSIE
I don’t need a babysitter!

GALE
You look like you’re 13.

CASSIE
So do you!

GALE
Aww, thank you!

PARKER
I don’t think she meant it as a compliment.

MAX
Parker, shut your face and let me say something!

CASSIE
I’m thirsty.

MAX
The same goes for you, Cassie. And you, too, Gale, even though you’re a peach, and will probably never cause any problems.

GALE
I like to be happy!

MAX
Oh Gale, just keep being you.

GALE
Yay!

PARKER
Okay, Max, say what you brought us here to say.

MAX
Thank you. To start this orientation, in case you haven’t all met each other yet, let’s go around and say our names, our aliases, and our powers.

PARKER
This is silly.

MAX
Just do it. Please?

GALE
I’m Gale. I fly and manipulate wind. I go by “Kelli-kopter” out in the field. And I have a tail!

CASSIE
Am I next? Umm. Okay. I am… Deus Ex Machina, because my power is to save the day! Well, it’s actually “adaptive survival,” but I’m, like, essentially a goddess now. Oh, and my name’s Cassie.

PARKER
I feel like I’m in elementary school.

MAX
Come on.

PARKER
I’m Parker. I walk on walls, and… you can call me Cliff Hanger.

MAX
Thank you. That wasn’t too hard, was it?

GALE
What about you? You should do it too.

MAX
Only because it’s you asking, Gale. I’m Max, a.k.a. Buck, and I can telepathically communicate with animals—and some aliens, apparently. I also regenerate and have laser vision.

CASSIE
And antlers.

MAX
Yes, and I have antlers.

GALE
And you’re super gay!

MAX
Okay, that has nothing to do with anything.

CASSIE
And my sister told me you and Parker used to date back at college!

MAX
Ren should not have told you that.

CASSIE
Hey, why doesn’t Ren have to be here? If she’s part of the reserve squad, she should be here too.

MAX
Team. Reserve team.

CASSIE
If she’s part of the reserve team, why did she get a free pass?

MAX
Ren is only a part-timer because it’s her choice, not because she needs to learn and train. Besides, she’s enrolled at Rose Academy.

GALE
Me too! But I only have 2 classes left before I graduate. And this reserve team counts as my internship!

MAX
Great, glad we could help.

PARKER
How did you get stuck with us?

MAX
The A-league wanted us to pick someone to oversee the new recruits, and Linus is way too busy with his family’s company.

GALE
Aww, that stinks.

MAX
Yeah. Anyway, you’re all here because the A-league thinks you have potential, but you need some guidance.

PARKER
I feel like I’m being sidelined.

CASSIE
Yeah, what he said!

MAX
Cassie, you’re still in high school.

CASSIE
So? I’m a legacy!

MAX
Being a legacy is when you follow in the footsteps of a parent or grandparent, not a sibling. I… think. Wait, is it?

CASSIE
Close enough. I can be a highschooler and a hero!

MAX
You’re only here because you destroyed MacGuffin’s PLOT during the Threat invasion. The A-league wants to keep an eye on you, and try to “guide your hero journey.”

PARKER
Would that be considered grooming?

GALE
Isn’t that what sidekicking is in the first place? Grooming someone to become their best selves?

MAX
Uhh, no, the word grooming has yucky sexual connotations now, so let’s just use the word “training” instead. Or “mentor!”

CASSIE
Ugh, I don’t need a mentor.

MAX
And I don’t want to be a mentor. But, you’re insanely powerful, and it’ll be good to keep that in check. And you’re Ren’s sister, so, you know, nepotism.

CASSIE
You make me feel so wanted.

PARKER
Hey, he said you were insanely powerful. Isn’t that a compliment?

CASSIE
It would be to you. You just have sticky fingers.

PARKER
They’re not sticky enough to catch all the shade you’re throwing.

MAX
Hey, don’t be rude. It’s his feet, too.

PARKER
Okay, I think I need to clarify: my hands and feet aren’t actually sticky. My power works more like superpowered static cling. I don’t have suction cups or anything.

GALE
I was wondering how you were able to do it with shoes on!

MAX
Hm, that’s what she said.

MAX
Crickets. Okay, so, I cannot joke with this bunch. Parker, these two are still young, and Ren’s just volunteering to help while she’s free, but you, you’re being sidelined, because of your… previous behavior.

PARKER
But I’ve helped hundreds of people. I’ve saved lives!

MAX
Yeah, but as a vigilante. And you… killed Sally Mander, so there’s that.

PARKER
I thought I was helping Lullaby!

CASSIE
And me!

PARKER
Yeah, and Cassie!

MAX
Typically, the leagues encourage non-lethal acts of superheroism…

PARKER
Yeah, I know. I’m not proud of what happened, but… I stand by my actions.

MAX
Right. It is what it is, but just be glad the leagues are willing to give you this chance without actually sidekicking first.

GALE
Umm, I haven’t sidekicked with anyone either.

CASSIE
Yeah, me too.

PARKER
So, what, we’re a weird group of sidekick rejects that got hired just because we happened to know you?

MAX
Hey, saving the world has its perks.

PARKER
I’m way more qualified than these two. No offense.

CASSIE
Offense taken. Max, I can’t believe you used to want to marry this guy. I don’t see it.

PARKER
You wanted to WHAT me?

MAX
Note to self, anything I tell Ren in confidence will apparently filter down to her sister.

CASSIE
Hey, we’re close!

GALE
Aww, you two would’ve been very handsome grooms, but… I think you and Elijah are perfect together!

MAX
Yet another reason why I love you, Gale.

PARKER
Hey, she’s right. Elijah’s great.

MAX
I’m glad we can all agree that my boyfriend is a catch. Now let’s never speak of this again.

PARKER
It’s okay. I’m not sure if monogamy is my thing anyway. If we’d stayed together I wouldn’t have gotten the opportunity to, you know, play the field.

MAX
Hey! We have a teenager here!

CASSIE
It’s okay, Ren and I talk about sex all the time. I’m not allowed to be alone with her boyfriend Bram because she’s afraid I’ll repeat something that she wasn’t supposed to tell me in the first place.

GALE
Oooo, like what?

CASSIE
Well, his hands are really big, and his power is generating heat, so he can do this thing where he uses his hands to massage her—

MAX
Stop it! I don’t want to know.

PARKER
Oh come on, you know you do.

MAT
Well, duh, of course. But I’m trying to be a responsible supervisor.

PARKER
Isn’t it against some sort of HR rule to supervise someone you used to dream of marrying?

MAT
Oh my god, I’m gonna kill Ren.

GALE
Don’t forget that Parker lives with you. That’s gotta be against the rules.

MAX
Don’t remind me.

CASSIE
How’s that going, anyway? Living with your ex? Is it as awkward as it sounds?

PARKER
We’re maintaining personal boundaries.

MAX
Yeah, what he said.

PARKER
And Elijah’s been over mostly every day since losing his powers, so he pretty much lives here, too.

CASSIE
That sounds even more awkward.

PARKER
It’s almost as if Max has been avoiding being alone with me…

MAX
What? That’s crazy. Super crazy. You are… bonkers. You crazy, crazy man, you.

GALE
Don’t worry, Max, I’ll pretend to believe you!

MAX
Dear, sweet, Gale. Never change.

GALE
I wasn’t planning on it.

CASSIE
Is Elijah going to be joining our group, too?

MAX
Umm, well, he’s still… powerless.

PARKER
Not all heroes have powers.

GALE
Yeah, some have expensive machinery.

PARKER
Or martial arts skills.

MAX
Well, he’s technically still sidekicking for Fourth Wall, but he has a meeting with him later today, to discuss, you know. Whatever’s next.

CASSIE
Do you think he’s gonna get fired?

GALE
Oh, no! Poor Elijah.

MAX
Let’s not jump the gun. He could still get his powers back. It hasn’t been THAT long.

PARKER
Either way, at least he’ll know more soon. From what he’s said, it’s the waiting that’s driving him crazy.

MAX
Yeah.

GALE
Can sidekicks collect unemployment if they lose their jobs due to power nullification?

MAX
I don’t think that’s a thing.

GALE
Why not? It’s never happened before?

MAX
No, not the erased powers thing, I mean unemployment. For any heroes. We might as well be working for a struggling non-profit. We work because we care about the mission, not the money.

PARKER
Screw that! We save lives—we should be compensated.

CASSIE
How did you make money while you were doing the vigilante thing? Did you beg people for money after you helped them?

GALE
Ooo, did you work for tips?

MAX
Yeah, I would love to hear this one. Considering we’re now sharing expenses, it would be nice to know if you’ll be able to make rent every month.

PARKER
I did not beg.

MAX
So… how are you not homeless? Trust fund?

PARKER
Ummm, I don’t think I want to tell you in front of the youths.

CASSIE
Oh come one, now you have to.

GALE
Pretty please?

MAX
Yeah, Parker, they’re not gonna let up.

PARKER
I can tell. So, to make some cash, I’ve been… dancing. And by dancing, I mean stripping.

MAX
Stripping?!

CASSIE
Like Magic Mike style?

GALE
Who’s magic mike? Is he a henchman?

MAX
No, geez, watch a movie, Gale.

PARKER
One of my buddies actually uses the stage name “Tragic Mike.” His power is turning sadness into joy, so as he strips, he tells everyone extremely depressing stories.

CASSIE
Is everyone you work with powered?

PARKER
No, just me and Mike.

MAX
So, you, like, get naked in front of strangers?

PARKER
Yeah, that’s kind of what stripping entails.

CASSIE
It’s not like you haven’t seen it before, Max.

MAX
Hey, watch it!

GALE
Remember, he’s our supervisor.

CASSIE
Whatever.

MAX
Wow. Why do you do it?

PARKER
Because I love it.

MAX
But, you speak multiple languages, you have a college degree, and your family isn’t poor. I guess I don’t get it.

PARKER
I… really like the attention. I have to stay in great shape to be a hero, and I love it when everyone’s eyes are on me, so it’s fun to show off. And I make enough tips that I only have to work one or two shifts to make what most people make in a week.

MAX
Oh. Okay.

PARKER
You’re judging me. I can see it all over your face.

MAX
I mean, it’s not the classiest thing in the world.

CASSIE
Max, are you sex shaming him? Not cool.

PARKER
Hey, sex has nothing to do with it. I’m not turning tricks or starting a HeroFans account or anything, I just really like working the pole.

GALE
That’s what she said!   Did I… do that right?

MAX
Yes, Gale, that was a very good joke.

GALE
Yay!

MAX
So, you’re not just a stripper, you’re a pole dancer?

PARKER
My powers make it so I can do some things other people can’t. Honestly, it’s amazing exercise. I took a pole class for fun before I moved back to Rose City, and the core strength needed is insane. I feel super strong and capable now. You should give it a try sometime!

MAX
Uh, I think my antlers would complicate that a little.

CASSIE
Parker, do you have a stripper name? Like Houston? Or Austin? Or Dallas?

MAX
I think you’re just listing cities in Texas.

PARKER
Sometimes they call me… the Spider man. It’s dumb, I know.

GALE
But you only have 2 legs. And 2 eyes!

MAX
Yeah, and a ton of animals can climb up walls and poles and stuff that aren’t spiders. What, was Gecko already taken?

PARKER
Hey, it wasn’t my idea, and it just kind of stuck. It’s… whatever. I prefer Cliff Hanger.

MAX
Can we stop going on tangents and actually focus for a few minutes? We have to come up with your performance plans, but I also have icebreakers.

GALE
Ooo! I love icebreakers!

PARKER
What do you mean, performance plans?

MAX
Like, goals for your training. They’re individualized for each of you. For example, Gale and Cassie both need to work on confidence.

CASSIE
What? I’m super confident!

MAX
Yeah, to a fault. Cassie, now that you understand your powers better, you’re getting too cocky. You need to chill. And Gale, you need to believe in yourself a little more.

GALE
I’m not so sure that I can do that.

MAX
That’s what I mean.

PARKER
What about me?

MAX
You picked up some bad vigilante habits that we need to work on. And you also need to stop murdering bad guys. Especially the ones related to my friends.

PARKER
Come on, that was ONE TIME!

MAX
Whatever. We’ll get to those performance plans later. First, it’s icebreakers.

CASSIE
Ren warned me that you love your icebreakers.

MAX
She’s right. I do!

PARKER
Can I go first?

MAX
You don’t even know what we’re doing.

PARKER
Doesn’t matter. I like games. Perhaps too much.

MAX
Well, the first one is to go around the room and tell everyone the nerdiest thing about you.

PARKER
Oh, that’s easy. I collect and play old school video games.

CASSIE
Like what, an old playstation or something?

PARKER
No, like atari, coleco-vision, the OG nintendo…

MAX
Oh, right! We used to play the super nintendo mario kart in your dorm room. The graphics were super basic, but it was really fun.

PARKER
And I bet I remember your nerd-factor. Unless it’s changed?

MAX
Hey, I’ll take that bet. What do you think I was gonna say?

PARKER
Other than your animal trivia knowledge, you’re obsessed with 80’s fantasy movies.

MAX
Aww, you remembered!

CASSIE
Do you want me to go next, or are you two going to keep reminiscing?

MAX
Sorry, Cassie. Yes. What’s your nerdy secret passion?

CASSIE
That’s easy. Pokemon.

MAX
Really? Did Ren ever tell you that I tried suggesting Jigglypuff for her superhero name?

CASSIE
What? No! I call her that all the time, but she hates it because she thinks the words jiggly and puff sound like I’m calling her fat. I mean, Jigglypuff is basically a walking balloon…

PARKER
I wonder if Kirby or Jigglypuff would win in a fight.

MAX
Kirby is another big, pink, round balloon thing, huh.

PARKER
But he doesn’t sing people to sleep, he just eats them.

GALE
Whoa, that’s dark.

MAX
What about you, Gale? Any nerdy secrets?

GALE
No, not really. I can’t think of anything.

MAX
Not one thing?

GALE
Nope, I guess I’m just really boring.

MAX
But you’re a LARPer.

GALE
Yeah, but that’s not a nerdy hobby. It’s a lifestyle!

PARKER
You’re a LARPer?!

GALE
Yes I am! D&D!

PARKER
Okay, that’s pretty cool.

CASSIE
You’re all so weird.

PARKER
Says the girl who hordes and enslaves digital monsters.

CASSIE
Digital monsters are Digimon. Pokemon stands for pocket monster.

PARKER
Whatever. I can’t knock it. I have Pokemon Blue for my gameboy.

MAX
Okay, the next icebreaker is a little tougher. Ready to go deep, Parker?

CASSIE
I said no more reminiscing!

MAX
No, I mean emotionally deep. Jesus.

PARKER
Yeah, Max, I’ll always go deep with you.

GALE
I feel uncomfortable.

PARKER
Sorry, Gale. I’m just teasing.

MAX
Let’s hope that’s all you’re doing.

CASSIE
I can’t tell if we’re bonding or growing to hate each other. Except for Gale.

GALE
We’re all friends now!

MAX
Okay, Parker. Do you have any irrational fears that you’d be willing to share with the group?

PARKER
Oh. Irrational? Spiders creep me out, but not in a phobia kind of way.

MAX
That’s ironic.

PARKER
Shut up. Yeah. Umm, I don’t know, let me think about it. What about you?

MAX
Oh, that’s easy. Glitter. I have an insanely irrational fear of touching glitter.

GALE
Why? It’s so pretty!

CASSIE
If you like shiny microplastics.

MAX
I’m afraid that if I get glitter on my fingers, and I rub my eyes, that the sharp little edges of the glitter will scratch my corneas. It’s stupid.

CASSIE
That’s messed up.

MAX
Yeah. Most gift bags and cards tend to have glitter on them nowadays, so I hate getting presents. It’s an absolute nightmare for me when I open an envelope and see glitter inside.

PARKER
Okay, I think I have one now.

MAX
What is it?

PARKER
I’m terrified of… wearing rings.

GALE
Really? Why?

PARKER
I don’t know. Like, what if I break a finger or my knuckles get swollen in a fight, and I can’t get a ring off? What if I lose a finger because of it?

MAX
Are you sure this isn’t about a fear of commitment? You know, having a good reason to avoid wearing a wedding ring?

PARKER
That feels like a tiny personal attack, but I’m choosing to ignore it. And no, this has nothing to do with that.

MAX
Huh. Speaking of… What are your views on marriage?

PARKER
I think… It's a religious thing. If you’re not religious, you shouldn’t get married. But, legally, you kind of have to if you want all the rights associated with it. It’s freakin’ stupid.

MAX
Yeah, separation of church and state isn’t really a thing like it’s supposed to be. I mean, just look at how political platforms are based on things that people literally quote the bible to support. Not everyone in your jurisdiction is a Christian!

CASSIE
Well, I still want a big wedding one day. Not like a bougie princess fantasy, but something classy.

GALE
My parents never got married. Not legally, anyway. A priestess performed the ceremony when I was 7. I got to be the flower girl!

MAX
Hey, if I ever get married, Gale, you can be my flower girl, too! You could use your powers to fill the air with flower petals… It would be super pretty.

GALE
We’re talking about marrying Elijah, right? Not Parker?

PARKER
Definitely not me.

MAX
Yes, I mean Elijah!

GALE
Have you thought about marrying him, Max?

MAX
I mean, not right now, but sure, yeah, in the future. I’d be open to it! But, geez, you know, we haven’t even moved in together yet.

CASSIE
Wow, you couldn’t be blushing any harder right now.

MAX
(grumble)

PARKER
Cassie, do you want to go next?

CASSIE
Oh right, icebreaker. Umm, I do have a fear of something, but it’s weird.

MAX
That’s kind of the point.

CASSIE
Yeah, but it’s embarrassing.

MAX
More than my fear of glitter slicing open my corneas?

CASSIE
Umm, not really, I guess.

GALE
What is it?

MAX
You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to.

CASSIE
No, it’s fine. I’m afraid of ovens.

PARKER
You’re afraid of… ovens?

CASSIE
Don’t make fun of me!

MAX
We’re not! But I’m curious. Any specific reason?

CASSIE
Not really. Isn’t that the whole point of an irrational fear? There’s no logic behind it?

GALE
She has a point!

CASSIE
Yeah. Ovens are just… awful. I’m afraid of burning myself, or falling in, or something burning and going horribly wrong. I’ve tried to get over it, and help my mom with cooking sometimes, and I even cover both my hands with giant, thick oven mitts, but it doesn’t help. You know that feeling, when you open the oven door and that blast of heat hits you in the face? That kills me. Ugh, I have goosebumps right now just thinking about it.

MAX
That’s not that bad. Ovens aren’t super essential anymore. Between a microwave, a stove, and maybe an air fryer, you’ll be totally fine! Unless you want to bake something…

CASSIE
Thank god for air fryers.

MAX
Seriously. Gale, you’re looking rather pensive. Do you have an irrational fear you’d be willing to share?

GALE
Umm, yeah. I do. I… I’m afraid of… brownies.

MAX
Brownies?

GALE
Yah. Brownies are terrifying.

CASSIE
Well, since I won’t be using an oven any time soon, you’ll never have to worry about me baking brownies for you!

GALE
Oh, no, not the food. Those are fine.

PARKER
Do you mean the younger girl scouts? I have a little sister, and she was a brownie before she became a girl scout.

GALE
No, I’m not scared of little girl scouts!

MAX
I’m sorry, but I don’t think we understand what you mean by brownies.

GALE
You know, brownies! The hobgoblins that live in our houses!

PARKER
The what-now?

GALE
I’m really scared I’ll forget to put out some food for my family’s brownie, and he’ll pinch me while I’m sleeping.

MAX
I don’t know what to say.

CASSIE
Really? You? But you love talking.

PARKER
Yeah, he really does.

MAX
Shut it, you two. Gale, I’m really sorry that you’re so scared of… brownies. And later, you can tell me all about them if you want.

GALE
I’d better not, you never know when they might be listening. But thank you!

MAX
Uhh, no problem.

SOUND: DOOR CREAKING OPEN, THEN CLOSING
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

LINUS
Uhh, hey, guys. I completely forgot today was orientation. Hey, Maxi-pad!

MAX
Hey, panty-Liner!

PARKER
You guys are gross.

CASSIE
No wonder Ren ships you so hard.

GALE
Hi, Linus!

LINUS
Gale the tail! I’m glad to see you!

GALE
We’re doing icebreakers. Wanna join?

LINUS
Oh, no, definitely not.

MAX
Yeah, he probably has better things to do.

LINUS
Nah, not really.

MAX
What’s up? You missed this apartment that much? Or did you just miss your favorite roommate?

LINUS
Honestly, I wasn’t feeling like making any food, so I popped over to see if you wanted to grab something to eat.

MAX
Maybe after we’re done?

LINUS
Yeah, I can wait. Hey, Cassie, nice to see you.

CASSIE
Uh, hi.

LINUS
You too, Parker. How’s my old room treating you? 

PARKER
It’s a room. You know: 4 walls, a door, a window.

LINUS
That is a room, yes.

PARKER
How are you liking the new bachelor pad?

LINUS
It’s sweet. I thought moving back to my family’s estate would be weird, but since I’m the only one there, it’s super chill. It does get a little lonely, but I was thinking of hiring back some of our old staff if they’re still looking for jobs.

CASSIE
That’s… actually kind of nice of you.

MAX
Eh, he probably just doesn’t want to learn to cook.

LINUS
Yeah, I never feel comfortable in the kitchen. I just barely got the hang of microwaves before I moved back home. And don’t get me started on ovens.

CASSIE
See?! Ovens are terrifying!

LINUS
I wouldn’t go that far.

GALE
Hey, what’s in your hand?

LINUS
What? Oh, it’s a note I needed to ask Max about.

MAX
Really? What is it?

LINUS
Umm, well, my mom wrote to me this morning and asked me a question, but I didn’t know what it meant, so I copied it down to see if you could help.

MAX
What does it say?

LINUS
She said she was having trouble writing back to me, that it was getting harder to communicate, but she wasn’t ready to come out of the journal yet. Then she said she might not be around as much to give me advice, so I should “rely on Max and Tammy.” Do you know what that means?

MAX
Huh. I mean, yeah, I’m here for you no matter what you need, but who’s the other person?

LINUS
I have no idea. Do any of you know a Tammy?

CASSIE
Sorry, no.

PARKER
Nope, can’t say that I do.

GALE
I don’t think so. Maybe Tammy’s the name of your secret Montgomery sister you’re trying to track down?

LINUS
I don’t know. Maybe. That’s so weird, right?

MAX
Yeah, seriously. Who the BLEEP is Tammy?

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Gale is voiced by Betsy Harris, Cassie is voiced by Tatiana Reed, Parker is voiced by Greg M, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. Theme music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson. 

To connect with us on social media, follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, tumblr at Second Fiddles, and twitter at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2NDFiddles. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!