Second Fiddles
Second Fiddles is an audio dramedy about a superhero sidekick support group. Join Buck and his punny powered pals as they try to make a difference in Rose City!
Second Fiddles
Episode 42 – The Threat
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Linus writes in his journal about the battle against the Threat.
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42 - The Threat
MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles: From the beginning, I, MacGuffin, have discussed the Threat coming to Earth that the late deer hero, the Stag, was meant to face. The Stag was given powers and sentience and transported through time by a mysterious alien race, and stationed in Rose City to defend against the Threat. However, with the aid of my daughter, Sally——rest in peace, Princess——we killed the Stag, who passed on his mission to his sidekick. Maxim Loft, otherwise known as Buck, is a rather pitiful excuse for a sidekick and a human. There’s no way he and his team of misfit heroes can defeat me and the PLOT, my armored tank, let alone the Threat. (sigh) However, I am curious how this’ll play out. (evil laugh) Let’s begin.
MAT
Episode 42: The Threat. This episode contains gun violence, sci-fi violence, as well as the discussion of death and genocide.
LINUS
Hi, Mom. I’m sorry if this journal entry ends up being way longer than usual. We just fought a battle for the fate of the planet, and it was crazy. Unfortunately, not all of us made it out unscathed. I mean, I’m obviously okay, but some of the others weren’t so lucky. I’ll tell you about that later. Damn, where to begin… Well, with everything going on, we needed someone to help coordinate, be our eyes in the sky. Do you remember my friend Gale from the Academy? The one with the tail? She used her powers to fly to a vantage point and was running comms…
GALE
Hey, can everyone hear me okay?
TAMMY
This is Pitch. All of us on the ground can hear you, loud and clear.
GALE
Great. Buck? You there?
MAX
Yeah, we’re both invisible and ready to sneak onto the ship.
GALE
Great. I can see what looks like a command center in the center of the ship. Buck, it looks like that gangway in the middle leads directly there!
MAX
10-4. We’ll be quick.
GALE
Does everyone have their new earpieces in?
TAMMY
How else would we be hearing you?
GALE
I don’t know, I’ve never done this before! I just wanna make sure everyone’s hearing is protected.
TAMMY
And just to be clear, if my voice wrecks your ears, you knew what you were signing up for!
GALE
Noted! Pitch, I see the army, they’re preparing to disembark. Everyone, get ready!
LINUS
So, while Gale was directing us from above, reinforcements were called in to assist on the ground. Everyone played their part, including Sophia’s sister, Frankie.
SOPHIA
(over comms) We need to weaken their army. Retcon, are you in position?
RETCON
Yeah, Recall. I’ll do what I can to hold them off. I’ll make ‘em forget how to use their weapons. They’ll be like little alien stormtroopers, they’ll never hit their targets!
SOPHIA
(over comms) No! There’s too much chance of collateral damage.
RETCON
Okaaaay… how about I make them forget their own language?
SOPHIA
(over comms) That could cause chaos!
RETCON
Well, what would YOU suggest?
SOPHIA
(over comms) Can you make them remove their helmets and body armor?
RETCON
I could make them remember being extremely claustrophobic, or make them think taking them off will… keep them safe? Does that sound good?
SOPHIA
(over comms) Yes, thank you.
RETCON
I got your back, sis.
SOPHIA
(over comms) Thank you, and… good luck.
RETCON
Right back atcha!
LINUS
Oh, wait, sorry, I jumped too far ahead. So, when the Threat’s ship arrived over Rose City, they just hovered. No flashing lights, no noise. We tried hailing them, but they were incommunicado.
Oh, sorry for the tangent, but I’m capitalizing the word “Threat”, because that’s what they call themselves. The name of the threat is…“The Threat.” Hey, at least it’s accurate. They didn’t call themselves “The Party” or “The Relaxation,” so we can never say they weren’t upfront about their intentions.
Anyway, after almost an hour of creepy silence, the ship opened up like a blooming onion and an army of aliens poured out into the city streets. It was insane: People running for their lives, buildings and cars being destroyed. Blah, blah, blah, there was carnage everywhere. We knew we needed to act fast.
There were 5 heroes positioned around the ship, each using their powers to keep the army at bay. One of them was Retcon, making the Threat within range take off their body armor. After that, it was up to Pitch, Recall, and Crampus, and positioned on the outskirts with a megaphone was Lullaby, in case anyone was able to get past the others.
REN
I’m freaking out, guys! Are you sure those earpieces will prevent you from falling asleep if I sing?
TAMMY
Yes, Recall told me they’ll work, and she’s never wrong!
SOPHIA
I wouldn’t say never, but yes, Lullaby, rest assured we will be unaffected!
REN
Okay, okay. Are the aliens coming?
TAMMY
I can see them now. I’m muting my comms. I’ll be able to hear you, but I won’t blow out your ears. Good luck, motherBLEEPers!
REN
Oh my god, why did I agree to this?
SFX: SONIC SCREAM IN THE DISTANCE
SOPHIA
I believe in you, Lullaby. And I’ll do all I can to keep you safe.
REN
Thanks, Recall.
SOPHIA
They’re approaching, so I’m going to transform. Crampus, if I get out of control, you know what to do.
NICK
Got it. I’ll relax your body until you change back to yourself.
REN
Crampus, can you see them yet?
NICK
I can hear them, but I can’t see them.
REN
Are you ready?
NICK
Yeah, I’ve been training a lot lately. I’ll keep throwing tension into their muscles until their whole bodies cramp. They’ll barely be able to crawl, let alone fight.
REN
And if that doesn't work?
NICK
Then I’ll relax them so much that they turn into noodles. Either way, they won’t get past me. I see them! Oh my God, there are so many! This is not what I signed up for! Okay, let’s do–(crackles and cuts out)
REN
Crampus, are you okay? Crampus! Recall, if you can check on Crampus—
SOPHIA
RECALL NOT HERE. BASHER HERE, SMASH AND CRASH!
REN
Basher, check on Crampus if you can!
SOPHIA
ME BASHING THREAT SKULLS. NO TIME! DIE, BADDIES, DIE!
REN
Gale, how is everyone doing?
GALE
Crampus is still standing. He was shot in the shoulder, but he’s wiping them out by the hundreds. There are piles of writhing bodies everywhere. I think they’re pooping themselves!
SFX: SONIC SCREAM IN THE DISTANCE
REN
Gross. And the others?
GALE
Retcon’s staying hidden. It’s working! They’re all taking off their helmets and running into Pitch and Basher. They’re dropping like kobolds to a fireball!
REN
I don’t get that reference. Is it good?
GALE
Yes!
REN
Okay, great!
GALE
Lullaby, one slipped by, a big one, it’s the size of a bugbear!
REN
I don’t know what that means!
GALE
It’s coming right for you!
REN
I see it!
THREAT DRONE
(growls)
REN
Holy BLEEP!
GALE
Lullaby, use your megaphone and sing! Sing!
REN
Okay, here goes!
(singing through megaphone)
Go to sleep, vicious Threat,
You are ugly and creepy,
Go to sleep, don’t kill me,
I really want to live!
Oh, BLEEP!
LINUS
So, everything seemed to be working. Frankie and Nick weakened the Threat, Sophia — as Basher – and Tammy kicked their alien butts, and Ren held the line. The rest of us were in position. It was all going according to plan, until Dad showed up in his tank, driving the PLOT. Ren was almost decimated with a guided missile, but at the last minute, that vigilante wallcrawler guy came out of nowhere and pulled her out of the way.
WALLCRAWLER
Lullaby, are you okay?
REN
I am. Yeah. Where did you come from?
WALLCRAWLER
Nearby. It’s a good thing I was keeping an eye on you!
REN
Creepy, but thanks. BLEEP, I lost my megaphone!
WALLCRAWLER
That doesn’t matter. I think the aliens changed tactics. They stopped fanning out and they’re sticking close to the ship. Besides, we need to focus on the PLOT!
REN
Crap, you’re right. My powers can’t do anything against a tank!
WALLCRAWLER
Neither can mine, but– but I have an idea.
REN
What are you doing? Stop waving your arms like that, he’ll see you!
WALLCRAWLER
That’s the plan!
MACGUFFIN
How dare you show your face here, you vigilante scum!
WALLCRAWLER
Why wouldn’t I? I have a really nice face!
MACGUFFIN
You killed my daughter, and now you have the gall to get between me and world domination? You’re dead, wallcrawler! You’re dead!
WALLCRAWLER
I don’t BLEEPing crawl, you piece of BLEEP!
MACGUFFIN
I will blast you to hell!
REN
What are you doing?
WALLCRAWLER
I’ll keep distracting him. Now, run!
SFX: TELEPORTATION SOUND
CASSIE
Kare? Karen! What’s going on?
REN
Cassie! No! What are you doing?! I said to stay home!
WALLCRAWLER
How did you get here?
CASSIE
I was in my room, and I felt this weird pulling sensation, and I think I just… teleported here.
REN
Well, un-teleport!!
CASSIE
You know I can’t control it!
REN
Oh my god, this is a disaster!
MACGUFFIN
Prepare to die!
SFX: MISSILES FIRED
CASSIE
(screams)
REN
(screams)
WALLCRAWLER
Why are the missiles just floating in front of us like this? How are we not dead?
CASSIE
I think it’s— It’s me. It’s my power!
REN
Her power is adaptive survival. It’s based on need. We needed her, and she came!
MACGUFFIN
It’s you! You’re the girl I saw in my visions, the one who my Sally was supposed to kill! Who are you?
CASSIE
I’m new to the superhero business, but you can call me… Deus Ex Machina!
WALLCRAWLER
Well, that’s a little on the nose, isn’t it?
CASSIE
Stay away from me, and stay away from my sister!
MACGUFFIN
Stop using telekinesis, little girl, and give me back my missiles!
CASSIE
You want your missiles back? Here you go!
REN
Cassie!
SFX: MISSILES FIRE BACK AT TANK, EXPLOSIONS
WALLCRAWLER
Did you just blow up the tank with its own missiles?!
REN
Oh my god, is he dead?
CASSIE
No, he jumped out!
MACGUFFIN
(coughing) Do you know what you’ve done, little girl? Do you know what you’ve done to my beloved tank?
WALLCRAWLER
It looks like a Deus Ex Machina has destroyed the PLOT. Which I think we can all agree is fitting.
CASSIE
Heck, yeah!
MACGUFFIN
BLEEP this, I have bigger fish to fry! See you later, suckas!
WALLCRAWLER
Where’d he go?
REN
(coughing) I can’t see, there’s too much smoke!
CASSIE
We can’t let him get away!
LINUS
They tried to find him, but Dad’s slippery. He got away, and Ren, Cassie, and the vigilante worked together to fend off the alien stragglers.
You’re probably wondering what the rest of us were doing. Well, Elijah and “Max” were invisibly working their way to the Threat’s command center to cripple the planetary assault.
MAX
I really don’t know if diplomacy is going to help in a situation like this…
ELIJAH
You liked this plan a few minutes ago.
MAX
I know, I know.
ELIJAH
Are you ready? Remember, after you let go of my hand and their leader can see you, there’s no going back.
MAX
I understand.
ELIJAH
Just, be careful, alright?
MAX
You know me, I’m super careful.
ELIJAH
Mmhmm.
MAX
Okay, let’s do this. What, no kiss for good luck?
ELIJAH
You wish. Break a leg!
MAX
You, too! (deep breath) Greetings, Threat! I’m here on behalf of Earth to discuss our complete and unconditional surrender!
THREAT DRONE
How dare you infiltrate our ship, human!
MAX
I know, I know! I’m sorry for sneaking, but please just let me speak, okay?
THREAT DRONE
We don’t care for surrender. We like a good fight!
MAX
Hey, I’m not surprised. Your army has so much to be jealous of. Humans have so many weaknesses, and it doesn’t look like the Threat have any vulnerabilities.
THREAT DRONE
We are mighty! We are the Threat! We don’t know the meaning of weakness!
MAX
Good to know. Anyway, wouldn’t Earth be so much easier to dominate if we weren’t, ya know, fighting back?
THREAT DRONE
We can easily combat you enhanced humans. Our technology can reverse your superpowers! All I have to do is set my blaster to single out the genetic mutation in your paltry human DNA, and you’re no longer a threat to… The Threat!
MAX
That’s amazing! Can I see?
THREAT DRONE
Very well!
SFX: BLASTER CHARGE
ELIJAH
No! Watch out!
SFX: BLASTER FIRE
MAX
No! ID! Why did you do that!?
ELIJAH
I… I had to save you.
MAX
Well, that was a heroically stupid thing to do! This wasn’t part of the plan!
ELIJAH
I feel funny…
MAX
It’s because you’re visible now. I can see you! We can all see you!
THREAT DRONE
Your pathetic human mutations are useless against us!
MAX
You shot him, you stupid BLEEPing BLEEP for brains.
THREAT DRONE
Technically, we shot at you. He was foolish enough to jump in the way.
SFX: BLASTER CHARGING
THREAT DRONE
It doesn’t matter, because you’re next!
SFX: BLASTER FIRE
MAX
(grunt)
ELIJAH
No!
MACGUFFIN
(evil laugh) My vision has come to pass! Thank you, Threat, for rendering this antlered fool useless for me. Now there’s no way he can defeat us!
THREAT DRONE
You are welcome. Thank you for serving us this planet on a silver platter!
MACGUFFIN
I may have hit a little speed bump along the way, and lost the PLOT, but I’m here now, and ready to finish this!
MAX
MacGuffin, you’re never going to win!
MACGUFFIN
Oh, is that right? I was never one for hunting but I wouldn’t be against mounting your antlers on my wall.
SFX: GUN COCKED
MAX
Hey, no need for guns. We can talk this out!
MACGUFFIN
Meh, you talk too much.
SFX: GUNSHOT x2
ELIJAH
No! Stop!
MACGUFFIN
And one more for good measure!
SFX: GUNSHOT x4
MACGUFFIN
And maybe one more! And another one! Perhaps, another?
ELIJAH
What have you done?!
MACGUFFIN
What, are you upset that I’ve murdered your boyfriend in cold blood? Well, actually, the blood is still pretty hot when it starts flowing, so I wouldn’t say it was in cold blood, but you get the point.
ELIJAH
You’re a monster!
MACGUFFIN
Eh, I’ve been called worse.
MAX
Like what? A giant BLEEPing BLEEP?
MACGUFFIN
What?! How are you still alive? The blast from the Threat’s weapon should’ve neutralized your regeneration power!
MAX
Well, too BLEEPing bad; I’m not bleeding anymore, and the only holes I have in my body are the ones that are supposed to be there.
THREAT DRONE
But, our technology is infallible! There’s no way your human DNA resisted the blast!
MAX
Oh, well, that’s pretty easy to explain. It didn’t work because…
SFX: SHAPESHIFTING SQUISH
CAM
…I’m not human, dipBLEEP.
THREAT DRONE
No! We destroyed your Toylitt, you Kromin heathen!
CAM
Fine with that, but I’m NOT cool with you ganking my friend’s powers!
SFX: PUNCH, BODY DROP
CAM
Wow, that dumb BLEEP really can’t take a punch.
MACGUFFIN
I don’t understand… I saw this. I saw myself shooting Buck.
CAM
Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m the most method actor to ever method act.
ELIJAH
Not really, you were swearing way too much to be a good Max.
CAM
BLEEP you, non-InvisiDude you’re the one who didn’t follow the plan!
ELIJAH
What was I supposed to do, let him shoot you?
CAM
Well, you’d better hope the effects are temporary, because seeing you is really BLEEPing weird. Other than that, do you feel okay?
ELIJAH
Yeah, I’m okay. A little disoriented. I have a headache, but that’s it.
CAM
Well, that’s not terrible.
MACGUFFIN
Why are you two talking about this as if I’m not still standing here with a gun?
ELIJAH
Because you can’t hurt us, stupid.
CAM
Yeah, dumb BLEEP.
MACGUFFIN
Excuse me?
SFX: FORCEFIELD GENERATION
LINUS
Yeah, Dad, there’s no way you’re breaking out of this forcefield. You’re finished.
MACGUFFIN
Son? Where the hell did you come from?!
LINUS
I’ve been here the whole time. I can make myself invisible with my forcefields now, and I’ve been able to mask myself from your clairvoyance since I was a teenager.
MACGUFFIN
Why would you ever want to hide from me, son?
CAM
Who wants their dad to see them jerking off? BLEEP, you are dense.
LINUS
Eww, Chameleon, don’t talk to my dad about that!
CAM
I like how you’re not saying I’m wrong.
LINUS
Whatever. Yes, I wanted privacy. That’s not the point!
MACGUFFIN
I’m confused. If Buck was really Chameleon this whole time, where’s the real Buck?
MAX
I’m right here.
ELIJAH
Max! You’re okay!
MAX
I am, yeah. And you’re… you’re…
ELIJAH
Visible?
MAX
Yeah. That. Are you— are you hurt?
ELIJAH
I’m fine.
MAX
(sigh) Good.
CAM
And the Threat? Did you learn their weakness?
MAX
Oh, yeah, I already did it.
CAM
Seriously?
MAX
You’re gonna love this.
MACGUFFIN
I’m still confused. What were you doing this whole time?
LINUS
So, Max explained that while Chameleon posed as him and snuck into the command center with Elijah, I was with the real Max, who was also invisible in my forcefield. We knew from Ploonjer that the Threat had a vital weakness, but we didn’t know what.
Max recently learned that his animal telepathy can be used to communicate with aliens, so while fakeBuck was killing time with a story about surrendering earth, Max had already tuned into the Threat’s thoughts. So, when Chameleon said…
MAX
Humans have so many weaknesses, and it doesn’t look like the Threat have any vulnerabilities.
THREAT
We are mighty! We are the Threat! We don’t know the meaning of weakness!
LINUS
–Max read the Threat’s mind and learned what their weakness was. We originally thought that the lone alien in the Threat command center was their leader, but we were wrong. She was just the pilot, and more importantly, a drone.
The Threat apparently function as a hive mind; that’s why the pilot kept referring to herself in the plural.
THREAT DRONE
We don’t care for surrender. We like a good fight!
LINUS
Max discovered their Queen hidden in a deep guarded vault beyond the command center. He used his telepathy to identify and mimic her thought frequency, like impersonating someone’s voice. He commanded all the Threat to cease fire and return to the ship. You probably have questions, and believe me, Dad had a million questions, too. Like…
MACGUFFIN
Was that their weakness? The hive mind?
MAX
No, that was just a handy way to bring them all back to the ship.
MACGUFFIN
So, what, are you sending them back out into the universe?
MAX
Uh, no. They’ve already committed genocide on multiple species across the universe.
MACGUFFIN
It’s not in your character to kill, Buck. I know, I’m the narrator. You’re too weak.
MAX
You’re right, that’s not something I’m willing to do.
ELIJAH
Not wanting to kill isn’t a weakness, MacGuffin, it’s a strength.
MAX
Aww, thanks, boo. But I’m kind of in exposition mode right now, okay?
ELIJAH
Oh, right. Love you!
MAX
Love you too! Ugh, god, you’re handsome. I can’t believe everyone else can see it now, too.
CAM
You’re going off topic. But yeah, I’d hit it.
MAX
Have you seen the way your ears stick out a little? It’s so cute!
ELIJAH
You’re making me blush!
MAX
Ohh, and I can see it now, too!
MACGUFFIN
Anyway… if you didn’t kill the queen, what did you do?
MAX
Wouldn’t you like to know?
LINUS
And, well, Max did finally explain. I’d give you the details, but honestly, when he was telling us, I was distracted by the Threat drone's body. They’re like giant bipedal insect people, and even with exoskeletons, they still wear armor. Weirdly redundant.vAnyway, their weakness has to do with temperature. After all of them returned to the ship, Max essentially adjusted their thermostat and they couldn’t stop from entering a sort of… hibernation. They’re not dead, but they’re not fully alive either. Rather than committing genocide, the government decided to keep them on ice for the time being. Oh, and I should probably mention the revelation that Max had when we were done…
Elijah
I don’t think the Stag was ever meant to do this, Max. I think you were.
MAX
How do you figure?
ELIJAH
The Stag’s powers didn’t fix this. Yours did.
MAX
Really? I guess you’re right. I mean, without the regeneration and laser vision, I may have been killed by the Dairy Fairy last year.
ELIJAH
You’re allowed to brag a little, you know.
MAX
But this really was a team effort.
ELIJAH
You’re the one who discovered the key to defeating them, though.
MAX
Yeah, but without Chameleon showing me I could telepathically connect with aliens, this would’ve been impossible.
ELIJAH
Technically, baby Stevie is the one who helped you with that.
MAX
Yeah, but Cam adopted them, and it was their idea to try it.
ELIJAH
You’re never going to take credit for this, are you?
MAX
Nope!
ELIJAH
Ugh. Those ancient time-traveling aliens that rescued the Stag from the Pleistocene era brought him to Rose City in our era for a reason. They must have known someone with your powers would connect with him, and that he would mentor you and prepare you to save the planet!
MAX
Ehh, it’s probably just a big series of coincidences.
ELIJAH
Oh, brother.
LINUS
Max didn’t take credit for it. Not once. He insisted it was a "team effort." Oh, and one last thing before I sign off for now. I kept my word and turned Dad over to the authorities. To maintain the forcefield around him, I had to travel all the way to the Island with him. He would NOT shut up the entire trip, sooo I thickened the forcefield and muted him for a while. It was relaxing. Now that Dad is out of commission, do you think… you could come out of the journal? I know he usually finds a way to escape, but maybe I can fix that! I’ll keep you posted, but trust me, I’ll keep you safe. I miss you, Mom. I love you. Okay, on that note, I gotta go. Tammy and I are moving into our own place in a couple of weeks, so helping her pack is taking up all my free time. Well, that, and meeting with lawyers to talk about Dad’s company. It’s gonna be so boring. Whatever. Bye! Insert bear hug here. Love, Linus.
MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime, Ren is voiced by Kristy Barkan, Elijah is voiced by Nick B, Cassie is voiced by Tatiana Reed, the Threat is voiced by Mat Johnson, the Wallcrawler is voiced by Greg Maddock, Chameleon is voiced by Allana Langen and Mat Johnson, Gale is voiced by Betsy Harris, Crampus is voiced by Gwen Brown, Retcon is voiced by Mia Cannale, and MacGuffin is voiced by John Pupo. Whew, that was a lot of people. Tune in next week for the Season 3 finale of Second Fiddles. Woohoo!
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