38 - Bubble

MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Elijah spied on Max and his new hero, Phaser, and kept it a secret, so when Max found out, he broke his invisible boyfriend’s heart and ended things. Elijah said a lot of stuff about how hard it was to be invisible, but Max was too hurt by his lies to consider it from his point of view. Will they ever work things out? Does anyone actually care about this superpowered twink melodrama? Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 38, Bubble.

LINUS
Hey Maxi, you’re home!

MAX
Yeah, I just got done with work.

LINUS
Did you do anything fun today?

MAX
Fun isn’t exactly a word I would use to describe fighting crime. Honestly, today was rough, and I don’t wanna talk about it.

LINUS
Did you at least catch any bad guys?

MAX
Uh, yeah, actually. Phaser and I took down a henchie who called himself Mike Drop.

LINUS
Is he a spelunker? Or does he turn people into… gum drops.

MAX
Nah, he’s a former stand-up comedian who tries to kill people named Mike. I think a Michael or Mike heckled him one too many times and broke him.

LINUS
Huh. Okay, well, now that we’ve got the obligatory daily henchie reference out of the way, I’ve got my own mic to drop.

SFX: FORCEFIELD GENERATION SWOOSH

MAX
Uh oh, is this about your M-O-M? What’s up?

LINUS
First of all, my dad can spell, so don’t be an idiot. But no, this forcefield isn’t meant to protect us from my dad overhearing. I mean, it’s doing that, too, but this isn’t about my mom.

MAX
What’s it about? Is Tammy okay?

LINUS
Yeah, she’s just grabbing dinner with Sophia.

MAX
Okay…?

LINUS
Well, after Tammy tricked Sophia and her sister Frankie into dealing with their problems and working things out, it kind of inspired me to do the same thing!

MAX
What are you talking about?

SFX: FORCEFIELD DISSIPATION SWOOSH

LINUS
You can speak now.

ID
Max, I promise I had no idea what Linus was planning.

MAX
Are you BLEEPing kidding me?

LINUS
I may have lied and told Elijah you were in danger, and he raced over here before you got home from work. And I kind of trapped him in a silent forcefield until… right now.

ID
You’re lucky I didn’t have to pee!

MAX
Oh god, is this a whole “trapped in an elevator” sort of situation, where we’re forced to sit angrily in silence until the tension becomes too much to bear and we finally start yelling before making up and having steamy elevator sex?

ID
Ah, come on, Linus, is this a bottle episode?

LINUS
Not a bottle episode, a BUBBLE episode! Get it?

MAX
You’re an assBLEEP.

ID
A giant assBLEEP

LINUS
I get it, I get it, you guys think about my assBLEEP a lot. I don’t blame you.

MAX
Right now I’m thinking about goring it with my antlers.

LINUS
Calm down, geez. If you haven’t noticed, I’m on the other side of this forcefield, so there’s nothing you can do.

MAX
I wonder if my laser vision can cut through a forcefield…

LINUS
What’s that? I can’t hear you. The forcefield is all of a sudden becoming sound proof! When you’re done, give me a thumbs up or something. Byeee!

SFX: FORCEFIELD GENERATION SWOOSH

MAX
So. This is fun.

ID
So much fun. Hey, at least Linus was lying when he told me you were in danger. I was kind of freaking out.

MAX
That’s… sweet of you.

ID
Don’t patronize me.

MAX
I wasn’t– I wouldn’t– Thank you.

ID
Can we please skip the steps in this process where we say mean, biting things to each other in an effort to mask how we really feel? Because, Max…

MAX/ID (at the same time)
I miss you so much/I’m sorry I hurt you

MAX/ID
You don’t need to apologize/I miss you like crazy

(laughter)

MAX
I’ll go first, if that’s okay.

ID
Go for it.

MAX
Well, you shouldn’t have lied to me, but I did overreact. You were just being protective in the only way you know how. Being invisible isn’t just a power for you, it’s part of your identity. It impacts how you view the world, and I didn’t take that into account. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.

ID
Not as sorry me. I messed up. I was jealous, and I crossed the line. Maybe it’s because you were my first real boyfriend, or maybe it’s because of how sheltered I am, but I got possessive and overprotective for absolutely no reason.

MAX
Wow. Did we just work through everything in less than 2 minutes? I was expecting at least 15 minutes of back-and-forth tension-building conflict before some overly sentimental resolution.

ID
Let’s face it, we’ve both been miserable since we had our fight.

MAX
You’re not wrong. Can I hold your hand? I need to see you.

ID
Duuuh, I just need to take off my gloves first.

ID
Here I am!

MAX
Ooh, hello there, handsome.

ID
Hello, yourself… umm. Wow, I’m drawing a blank for “handsome” synonyms. Studly? Hot? Adorable? Comely?

MAX
Heh, comely. Also, ew, never say “studly” again.

ID
(laughs) Okay, fine. So, now what? Is that it? Are we suddenly just back together?

MAX
I don’t see why not. We love other, we both apologized, and we meant it. Right?

ID
Right.

MAX
All couples argue, we just took it a bit too far. Next time, we’ll talk it through and I promise I won’t jump the gun and take the easy way out.

ID
Next time?

MAX
Hey, let’s not be naive. Of course there’ll be a next time. Hopefully not about the same issue, but hey, we both have a lot to learn.

ID
Okay, and I promise not to keep secrets from you anymore. I can start wearing a jingle cat collar, if you want. I know we always joke about that, but I could literally do it.

MAX
(laughs) No, that’ll give me flashbacks to working at Pet Universe.

ID
(laugh, followed by sigh) So, now what?

MAX
I want to kiss you so hard our tongues bruise.

ID
That sounds really hard.

MAX
Is hard a problem?

ID
Nope! Definitely not!

MAX
Damn, you haven’t shaved in a while, have you?

ID
Yeah, my depression stubble kind of turned into a depression beard.

MAX
It’s really BLEEPing hot.

ID
I’ll show you hot, but we need Linus to take this stupid forcefield down first.

MAX
Agreed. I gotta let go of your hand so he can see me.  Linus. Hey, Linus! Uhh, where is he?

ID
I didn’t even see him leave. Maybe he went to the bathroom?

MAX
He probably thought we’d take a lot longer to work things out.

ID
I hope we’re not trapped in here for too long.

MAX
We could make the time go by pretty quickly, if you know what I mean. We’d be invisible, so it’s not like he would see anything if he comes back soon…

ID
We’re not having sex in a forcefield in your living room.

MAX
Ugh, fine. We’ll wait.

ID
We probably have a lot to catch up on, anyway, right?

MAX
Oh, yeah.

ID
Let’s see, I already know about Sophia getting her memory back.

MAX
She’s talking to Frankie about being her new sidekick, on a trial basis, I think, so that’s cool.

ID
Yeah, Tammy told me. She’s happier about the names Recall and Retcon sounding really good together than she is about the potential partnership.

MAX
Speaking of that, and our square-jawed captor, Linus really needs to change his name back to Security Blanket. The name Force is really stupid.

ID
Oh my god, right? They can still be Pitch Force together. It’s okay to have a team name that’s not a combination of your codenames.

MAX
What would our team name be? InvisiBucks?

ID
Invisibucks sounds like invisible money. What about, uhh, DeerDudes?

MAX
(laugh) Those are the worst names.

ID
(laugh) Yeah, they’re pretty awful.

MAX
Oh, did you hear about Eloise?

ID
No, what about her?

MAX
She has a boyfriend!

ID
What!?

MAX
Well, less of a boyfriend, and more of a mate. I’m calling him Theo Sharpe.

ID
Oh! Bridgerton! It’s perfect!

MAX
I knoooow.

ID
So, does that mean she’s not going to be around anymore?

MAX
She’ll be back after her eggs hatch and the babies fledge, but then she’ll be gone again next year.

ID
She’s having babies?

MAX
Oh my god! Yeah, so she’s on some eggs right now.

ID
You’re gonna be a grandpa!

MAX
I know! I know. Where has the time gone? We are so old!

ID
Oh, shut up. (sigh) Max? In light of our no-secrets thing, I need to tell you something.

MAX
Uh oh.

ID
Don’t shoot the messenger, but… Tammy and Linus want to get their own place.

MAX
What?

ID
And… they were waiting to see if I was going to move in here, with you, but when we… stopped talking, they kind of just hit pause on their plans to see if we’d work things out.

MAX
(sigh) That’s actually not very surprising.

ID
I’m sorry.

MAX
Don’t be. Did they tell you, or did you overhear it?

ID
Actually, it was your friend Nick, or… Crampus? Whatever. They were working with him to find and take down the Christmas Gang, once and for all. And they told him and he told me.

MAX
Why were they trying to find the Christmas gang? They literally live in this apartment building.

ID
Nick told me that they moved out shortly after you met him.

MAX
Oh. Okay. (sigh) Well, don’t feel pressured to make a decision on if you want to move in or not.

ID
That won’t be a problem, I already know what I want.

MAX
And?

ID
I’m not ready.

MAX
To move away from home, or to move in with me?

ID
I don’t know. Both?

MAX
As long as you still want to be with me, I don’t care.

ID
I certainly do!

MAX
Grrrrreat! Sorry, I don’t know why I just did the whole Tony the Tiger thing.

ID
You don’t need a reason to be weird. You just are!

MAX
Thanks. Hey, so, since you just told me a secret you were keeping, I should probably come clean about something too.

ID
What’s up?

MAX
And, before I tell you, I want you to know that I’d already forgiven you before this happened.

ID
Uh, okay?

MAX
So, Phaser has been doing his phasing-out-of-his-clothes thing a little more lately, and–

ID
How much is a little more?

MAX
Like, every day.

ID
(clenched jaw) Okay. And… how does that make you feel?

MAX
Wow, you’re really holding back your judgment right now. I’m proud of you!

ID
I’m trying my best.

MAX
So, I started thinking about what you said, like, was he thirst trapping me? Was he trying to get me to watch?

ID
Hey, my mom once told me about a villain named Thirst Trap.

MAX
Seriously? I’m in the middle of a, like, big reveal sort of thing.

ID
Sorry. Continue.

MAX
Well, don’t leave me hanging. What could Thirst Trap do?

ID
He had the power to absorb moisture like a living sponge.

MAX
Sponges are living.

ID
You know what I mean. Anyway, Thirst Trap was known for taking off his shirt before desiccating and killing his victims.

MAX
That’s dark.

ID
Yup. Sorry for interrupting.

MAX
It’s okay. As far as punny names go, that one’s pretty good. What was I talking about?

ID
You were wondering if Phaser was thirst trapping you.

MAX
Oh, right.

ID
Hey, you’re calling him Phaser again, not Caspar. Is that for my sake?

MAX
No, that’s because he’s a jerk and doesn’t deserve it.

ID
Uh oh. What happened?

MAX
Well, after we caught Mike Drop earlier, and we were back at headquarters in the locker rooms, he phased right through his costume and was all like “Hey Max, let’s hit the showers” and I finally asked him why he kept exposing himself to me every day.

ID
Did he answer?

MAX
Yeah. I was expecting him to say he was a nudist, or super free with his body, or ya know, something like that, but he said “You know you like it” and then… umm, and then he kissed me. You’re very quiet. You’re probably holding back a million I-told-you-sos right now.

ID
If I bite my tongue any more, it’ll fall off.

MAX
I respect your constraint.

ID
Did you… did you kiss him back?

MAX
Elijah Asher Woods. Who do you take me for?

ID
Well, we weren’t together, and he looks like he’s cut from stone, so I don’t know… You really look up to him!

MAX
Dear, sweet, handsome Elijah. Next to Phaser, I look like a hefty bag with a face.

ID
That’s not true!

MAX
I can admit to being semi-cute and quirky, sure, but I’m not in the same echelon as someone chiseled and superhero-y like Phaser.

ID
You’re just insecure. If it’ll help, I can tell you how hot I think you are, like, on a daily basis.

MAX
Be careful what you offer, I might hold you to it.

ID
So what happened after he kissed you?

MAX
It was kind of a blur. I said “no” and tried to push him away, but my hands phased right through him, and then he walked directly through my body and grabbed my antlers from behind. He said he’d “been wanting to use them as handlebars” since he laid eyes on them, and he “knew I wanted it too.”

ID
I’ll kill him. I’ll kill him, and he’ll never see it coming. Literally. He won’t see me.

MAX
Yeah, baby, I know you’re invisible. And you don’t have to worry about him. I… kicked backward and hit him in the junk, and he let go of my antlers after I threatened to burn a hole through his chest with my laser beams. Oh, and I quit my job. Obviously.

ID
Okay, screw this guy. He’s just as bad as Tammy’s old hero, Slap. What is it with these A and B league heroes thinking they can just do whatever and whoever they want? Sidekicks are for support and mentorship, not so heroes can groom them for sex!

MAX
And I thought he was one of the good ones. He’s one of the few queer, out superheroes in Rose City, and I really thought he stood for something.

ID
I’m so sorry, Max.

MAX
You know, kicking someone in the balls when they’re naked is both incredibly rewarding and really scary at the same time.

ID
Did he try to fight back?

MAX
No, but he laughed at me and said it was “my loss.” He asked for the jeep back that he gave me, but I told him to BLEEP himself and then I… walked out.

ID
Wow.

MAX
I turned in my credentials before leaving, and I guess that’s it. I’m unemployed again. I—I thought working for a hero in the A-league was my dream, but dreams don’t normally end with creepers coming on to you in a locker room. Aw, man, and that was always one of my favorite porn scenarios, too. Is nothing sacred?

ID
Well, we can always role play if that’s what you want. Would we both be players, or would one of us be the coach?

MAX
Meh, ask me again in a week or two.

ID
I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?

MAX
You could promise to not actually kill him.

ID
(fake exasperated sigh) I promise.

MAX
And you can finally say you told me so.

ID
Are you sure?

MAX
Yeah. Lay it on me.

ID
I told you so.

MAX
What, that’s it? I thought you’d want to sing it from the rooftops.

ID
Fine. (singing) I tooooold you soooooo! (speaking) Is that better?

MAX
A little.  Well, even though I lost my job today, I got you back, so I somehow still feel like a winner. Do you think that’s weird?

ID
I don’t think so. Max, I love you. No matter what happens next, I’m here for you. I promise.

MAX
Thanks. I’m sorry if I didn’t fight hard enough for you. I think that’s a bad habit for me when it comes to guys.

ID
What do you mean?

MAX
I never really talk about him, but my first boyfriend, in college, I really think I loved him, too. It was more like infatuation, probably, but he was my first… everything. Maybe that’s why I have trouble trusting the way you feel about me, because if you feel the way about me that I felt about him, it was like he was my whole world, and I thought he was my future.

ID
Are you saying… you don’t love me as much as you loved him?

MAX
Oh, god, no, that’s not what I meant, just that it felt all-consuming. He’ll always be my first love, but what I have with you is better. It’s stronger. And I want to fight for it.

ID
What… what happened with your ex?

MAX
We broke up.

ID
Well, obviously.

MAX
Oh, right. Specifics. Well, his mom got a job overseas and his whole family moved to the UK. He transferred from Rose Academy to the university for powered people in London, and we agreed that long distance would be too hard, and… that was it. We broke up. We gave up.

ID
Wow, sounds like you still have a lot of unresolved feelings…

MAX
Yeah, there was no closure.

ID
Did you ever stay in touch?

MAX
No, I felt like I wanted to rip the bandaid off quickly, you know? I quit him cold turkey and haven’t heard from him since.

ID
Did you miss him?

MAX
Sometimes. I mean, not since I met you, but every once in a while I wonder how his life turned out.

ID
Huh.

MAX
What is it?

ID
Maybe you should track him down and see how he’s doing.

MAX
Didn’t you and I literally break up over me thinking you were jealous of another guy? This seems like an overcorrection.

ID
I don’t want to wonder for the rest of our relationship whether or not you would rather be with someone else. Maybe you should try to find the closure you need.

MAX
I don’t need closure, I just… would like some closure. But I don’t want to look back. And besides, if he was still torn up about me after all these years, he would’ve reached out. I think it's for the best to just look forward, ya know?

ID
Oh, well, good. I can’t believe I actually suggested that. Hey, are you going to need to start looking for a roommate? If Tammy moves out?

MAX
Probably. It shouldn’t be too hard. There are always new sidekicks looking for places to live. I could create a posting and put it up at headquarters.

ID
The headquarters for the job you just quit?

MAX
Oh, BLEEP. You’re right. Actually, can I even afford to live here anymore? Ugh, maybe I should just move back in with my parents.

ID
You could move in with me and my parents! Wait, no, that’s a terrible idea.

MAX
Hey, then we could live together but you wouldn’t have to feel bad about leaving them.

ID
No, I was joking. That’s not gonna happen.

MAX
Good. I wouldn’t feel comfortable having insane amounts of sex around your parents.

ID
Ew! Gross! I don’t even want to think about it!

MAX
You don’t want to think about what? Our naked bodies, slick with sweat, breaking in your childhood bed?

ID
I feel like you have a lot of pent up sexual feelings right now.

MAX
Hey, we could even try that antler handlebar thing that Phaser so eloquently suggested.

ID
Ugh, don’t even mention his name.

MAX
Yeah, that was kind of a boner killer. Sorry.

ID
Hey, speaking of boner killers, I have a question about your ex from college.

MAX
What is it?

ID
He was at Rose Academy, right? So, what was his power?

MAX
Oh, I didn’t mention it?

ID
No. It doesn’t matter, I’m just curious.

MAX
Well it wasn’t anything as cool as invisibility, but he, umm, well, he could–

ID
Hey! Linus is back! It looks like he went out to grab some food.

MAX
Oh, thank god. I hope he brought something back for us, too. Yo! Bro! Look up from your phone.

ID
Do you call each other bro now?

MAX
Sometimes I would say it as a joke, and then it kinda stuck.

ID
Yuck.

MAX
Ugh, I know.

ID
He’s looking at you, give him a thumbs up or something to let him know we’re ready to come out.

MAX
Oh, I thought he was texting, but he’s actually talking to someone. Tammy hates using the phone if she can help it, so… I wonder who he’s talking to.

ID
He doesn’t look happy.

MAX
Geez, you’re right. I haven’t seen him look this sad since the last time he and Tam ran out of condoms.

ID
Oh, I hate that you know so much about your sister’s sex life.

MAX
Not on purpose!

ID
I think he just hung up.

MAX
Yeah. Yes! Hey, Linus. Yes, I’m talking to you. Read my lips. We are good. Let us out!

SFX: FORCEFIELD SWOOSH

LINUS
Sorry, guys.

MAX
It’s fine. We’re good.

LINUS
Are you two… better?

MAX
Yeah, we’re back together. Surprise! Your plan worked!

LINUS
Oh, cool. Congratulations.

ID
Linus, are you… are you okay?

LINUS
Umm, no. I don’t think so.

MAX
You look like you just saw a ghost. Who was on the phone?

LINUS
Ren. It was Ren.

ID
Is she okay?

MAX
Yeah, why did she call?

LINUS
I–

MAX
Linus, you’re freaking me out. What did she say?

LINUS
She said… something happened to Sally. She’s– she’s dead! My sister’s… dead.

FADE IN THEME MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, MAX is voiced by Mat Johnson, ELIJAH is voiced by Nick B, LINUS is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, and MACGUFFIN is voiced by John Pupo. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson. Feel free to follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, tumblr at Second Fiddles, and twitter at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2-N-D-Fiddles. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!

MAX
You know, kicking someone in the balls when they’re naked is both incredibly rewarding and really scary at the same time.