MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles: After defeating the Dairy Fairy, who I, MacGuffin, conveniently broke out of the Island, Tammy and Linus decided to join forces as a duo. The sidekick that Tammy was going to hire, Blue Moon, was burned alive by my daughter, Sally. Unfortunately, Blue Moon recognized my sweet princess, and he unknowingly outed our family’s secret identities via livestream. Also, Max took a bullet, but he regenerated and was reunited with his boyfriend Invisidude, who finally returned home from his intergalactic adventure. We pick up 8 months later! Tammy and Linus are now the superhero duo known as PitchForce, and Max is finally working again, sidekicking for Phaser, the newest A-league hero in Rose City. I wonder what they’re up to... Let’s begin!

MAT
Episode 30: Time Jump.

SOUND: KEYS JINGLING

TAMMY
Maxi, stop it. Why are you waving your keys in my face?

MAX
Do they... look different to you?

TAMMY
The fact that you think I would ever pay attention to what your keys look like is hilarious.

MAX
Are you sure? What’s this big one for?

SOUND: KEYS JINGLING

TAMMY
I’m not playing this game. Just tell me whatever you’re trying to tell me.

MAX
You’re no fun. I got a new car.

TAMMY
What? Why? We sold your old car ages ago when you realized you weren’t going to shed your antlers.

MAX
I know, I know, but this is different. This car, I can actually fit in.

TAMMY
It is like a giant molester van? Not a good look, bro.

MAX
No, stupid– it’s a convertible!

TAMMY
You’re… not really a convertible kinda guy.

MAX
It’s not a sports car, gross! It’s one of those open air military surplus jeeps, so I can go off-roading in case I have any animal-related missions outside the city.

TAMMY
Huh. Why didn’t we think of that before?

MAX
I don’t know!

TAMMY
How did you afford it? I know you’re an A-league sidekick now, but damn, how much of a raise did you get?

MAX
Oh, I didn’t pay for it. It was a gift from Caspar, to celebrate our 6 month-iversary of working together.

TAMMY
Ooooooh, from CASPAR. Just how close are the two of you?

MAX
Okay, if you’re going to be weird about it, it was a gift from Phaser.

TAMMY
I don’t care what you call him.

MAX
You obviously do, otherwise you wouldn’t be so judgy. Just because you were a super abrasive sidekick doesn’t mean that I–

TAMMY
You seem a little defensive.

MAX
I don’t see why I can’t use his name. It was his idea.

TAMMY
Even though Linus and I are in the B-league now, we still don’t know everyone’s secret identities.

MAX
Well, Caspar trusts me. And he goes out of his way to accommodate my... headgear.

TAMMY
He probably just got you that car so he didn’t have to pick you up anymore.

MAX
It’s not just the car. He’s been... phasing with me.

TAMMY
Phasing with you? What are you talking about?

MAX
He knows going through doorways really slows me down, so when he phases through walls, he brings me with him.

TAMMY
How does that work?

MAX
He just grabs my hand and we’re both able to walk right through any solid matter. It’s awesome.

TAMMY
So what you’re saying is, in addition to buying you a car, he also goes out of his way to hold your hand? And he asked you to call him by his real name?

MAX
I don’t see how any of that’s weird. He’s just a thoughtful guy!  Don’t ruin this for me, Tam. I really look up to him. I mean, Caspar’s an established hero, he’s out and proud, and he was willing to take a chance. On me!

TAMMY
You also forgot to mention how good he looks in his costume. I mean, BLEEP, you can count his abs right through the front of his suit.

MAX
He’s not that good looking, geez.

TAMMY
Eh, you’re right, his costume probably has muscle padding added in for effect.

MAX
Oh, no, you should see him out of costume. It’s definitely not padding.

TAMMY
Oh, really?

MAX
Heeey, don’t get any ideas. We change in the locker rooms at headquarters, it’s not a big deal.  Although, I have to admit, the way he can just… phase out of his clothes is… oddly captivating, but, he would never be into someone like me.

TAMMY
Annnnd you have a boyfriend.

MAX
Well, obviously. That goes without saying.

TAMMY
Yeah, where is Elijah? I haven’t seen him recently.

MAX
Eww, invisibility jokes are only cute when he makes them.

TAMMY
Eh, I tried.

MAX
Fourth Wall’s been sending him out on a ton of classified missions. Some days, I don’t even get as much as a text from him. It sucks, but it’s still so much better than before.

TAMMY
Has he warmed up to your invitation to move in when Linus and I finally get our own place?

MAX
It’s a touchy subject. I think leaving his parents is gonna be really hard. He’s been dependent on them for so long, he doesn’t know anything different.

TAMMY
Will you have to take over all the stuff his parents do? It’ll be hard for you to go out in public with your… antler situation.

MAX
He can still go shopping with his mom all he wants, they’re only like 20 minutes away. And, when he needs his hair cut, or, whenever he feels like seeing them, he can just go visit. I don’t care if he sees them like every single day. I mean, they retired from being heroes for him, so it’s hard not to think about that sacrifice. They’re just… really close.

TAMMY
Sorry, I can’t relate.

MAX
Whose fault is that?

TAMMY
I’m working on it. Rebuilding everything with Mom will take some time. And Dad… well, he doesn’t resent me as much.

MAX
Mom’s always texting me about you, and Linus. I mean, I’m glad you brought him home for Christmas, but I think she wants grandbabies or something.

TAMMY
Excuse me while I vomit.

MAX
Hey, I could be a fun gay uncle. A guncle!

TAMMY
Yeah, no thanks.  Before I forget, did you hear those reports about that new mysterious hero around town?

MAX
Oh god, I don’t know, the influx of heroes and wannabes in Rose City is out of control.

TAMMY
The guy that was seen walking up walls and climbing up a skyscraper downtown?

MAX
Oh, that guy. Are they calling him anything?

TAMMY
One news outlet called him Wallcrawler. Hopefully when he makes himself public he’ll have a cooler name than that.

MAX
Didn’t he just help someone who was getting mugged?

TAMMY
Yeah, and he stopped a robbery, too. He’s starting with little good deeds, maybe to gain public favor.

MAX
Going the vigilante route is so risky.

TAMMY
Most of the news coverage has been positive so far, so he’s doing something right.

MAX
Speaking of news coverage, how’s Linus holding up? Have the paparazzi stopped following him?

TAMMY
You live with him, why don’t you ask him?

MAX
Our schedules haven’t synched up in a while, and I don’t want to bring it up. We’re in a good place, friendship-wise, so I don’t want to rock the boat.

TAMMY
We’re a duo, idiot, we have the same schedule. You’re just too busy spending all your free time with your new boyfriend, Caspar.

MAX
He’s not my boyfriend!  You’re being a BLEEP.

TAMMY
So rude.

MAX
Okay, seriously, how’s Linus doing?

TAMMY
(sigh) Ever since we formed Pitchforce and he joined me at the B-league, we’ve been super busy, so he hasn’t been out in public as his civilian self that much. The last time he ran to the store, someone recognized him and started recording him with their phone… and then more people joined in until he had to run away. They were screaming at him—asking where his dad and sister were, calling him human garbage. You know, the usual.

MAX
I can’t believe that’s still going on. I mean, I know Blue Moon had a big following, and Sally Mander is a legit monster, but the last time anyone saw one of them was back in April when we had the whole switcheroo thing.

TAMMY
That’s the problem. There’s zero closure, so everyone’s taking out their rage on Linus for his family’s criminal history. His invisible force fields have been a real life saver. They have so many uses, too.

MAX
Really? Other than hiding from cameras, how do they help?

TAMMY
We can literally bang anywhere, any time. He just puts up a sound proof, invisible force field, and it’s like a private oasis whenever we want.

MAX
I, I really think you should see a doctor, your sex drive can’t be healthy. Maybe it’s a glandular problem.

TAMMY
Shut up, you’re just jealous. You can have invisible sex wherever you want, too.

MAX
You know we’re not big on PDA.

TAMMY
Is it really a public display if no one can see it?

MAX
Just because others can’t see us, we can see them, and it’s... weird.

TAMMY
You’re such a little BLEEP.

MAX
I’m so sorry that being raised in a heteronormative society has made me afraid to kiss my boyfriend in public!

TAMMY
Are you really... afraid?

MAX
(sigh) Yeah. Being “visibly gay” still scares me. I can’t help it, I guess I’m just a nervous nelly.

TAMMY
More like a nelly-bottom…

MAX
Excuse me?

TAMMY
You know, there’s a henchie named Nervous Nelly.

MAX
Yeah, I know.

TAMMY
Oh.  Really?

MAX
Yeah, really.

TAMMY
Then what can she do?

MAX
I… don’t remember.

TAMMY
Are you pretending to know so I don’t tell you about her powers?

MAX
Maybe?

TAMMY
You know you can’t lie to me.

MAX
Fine. What can Nervous Nelly do? Does she make people scared?

TAMMY
Nope. Her powers affect her nervous system. She can essentially shut it down if she wants, and blind or paralyze herself. Stuff like that. She also wears a bandaid on her cheek. I think that’s the Nelly part.

MAX
Her power sounds useless. Who would want to paralyze themself?

TAMMY
I don’t BLEEPing know, I’m just relaying information.

MAX
This world is so confusing.

TAMMY
Sorry, we keep going on tangents. Where were we? Invisible sex?

MAX
That’s what you were talking about. Before that, I was trying to whine about Elijah’s dependence on his parents.

TAMMY
Oh, right. Just give him time. Moving away from home the first time sucks.

MAX
You couldn’t move away from home faster.

TAMMY
Hey, just because I didn’t want to live at home doesn’t mean it didn’t totally suck at first. I had to flirt with one of my neighbors to the point of repetitive blue balls just to get him to let me use his washer and dryer. One time I even let him watch me shave my legs.

MAX
What the BLEEP?

TAMMY
You’re so vanilla.

MAX
I am not! My boyfriend’s invisible, that’s like, super, umm, what’s the opposite of vanilla? Chocolate?

TAMMY
Uh, no, just say kinky. Have you ever had sex on anything other than a bed?

MAX
Does intergalactic phone sex count?

TAMMY
Nice try, no.

MAX
Okay, fine. I’m super vanilla.

TAMMY
Do you have any kinks you want to try out but are… too afraid to ask ID about?

MAX
I don’t know. Maybe?

TAMMY
Oooh, like what?

MAX
Tam, this is not a normal brother-sister relationship.

TAMMY
You love it. So? Spill! What have you fantasized about?

MAX
I think I’d like to try out… roleplaying?

TAMMY
Okay, apparently that must be genetic, because we’re on the same page.

MAX
Ew, don’t say it’s genetic, now I’m just imagining Mom dressed up as a maid or something.

TAMMY
Eww, no way. If anything, Mom would make Dad dress up as a butler or something. The men in our family are so submissive.

MAX
There’s no point in arguing that, we both know it’s true.

TAMMY
(laughs) What kind of roleplaying are you thinking about? A firefighter saving you from a burning building? A viking pillaging your village? A fisherman falling for a merman? A private eye investigating… your crotch? A supervillain holding you hostage?

MAX
The viking one sounds way too rapey, and are we talking a fully clothed firefighter, or just the helmet and the suspenders? Wait, did you say merman?

TAMMY
Hey, that could be fun, splashing around in the bathtub.

MAX
No, thanks. I was thinking… something more grounded.

TAMMY
What if you guys pretended to be other heroes? You could be Smasher and he could be Phaser. You’d want to smash him, if you know what I mean.

MAX
Tammy! That’s Sophia’s dad! Gross. And… kinda hot.

TAMMY
I wonder if every part of his body grows when he transforms.

MAX
(laughs) Stop it! Oh my god.

TAMMY
Fine, we can focus on “Caspar.” When you said he phases out of his clothes, how does he do it? Does his costume just fall to the floor and make a pile around his feet, or does it retain its shape and kinda float there for a minute?

MAX
I dunno, I never really pay attention to what his clothes do.

TAMMY
Because you’re too distracted by his body?

MAX
That’s not what I said. I try to look away.

TAMMY
Is he hairy, or does he shave? Linus only grows like 3 chest hairs, so I would be like 5% jealous if you got to work with a sexy lumberjack every day.

MAX
Wouldn’t he need a beard to be a lumberjack?

TAMMY
He has a beard.

MAX
It’s more like light scruff. Or heavy stubble. I wouldn’t call that a beard. But yeah, his body is just as… scruffy.

TAMMY
Damn. I thought you said you tried not to look.

MAX
Sometimes he phases out of his costume while we’re mid-conversation, so I have to do everything in my power to maintain eye contact.

TAMMY
Okay, so this means one of two things. Either A, he’s into you, or B, he’s a nudist. If you were a girl, do you think he’d be doing the same thing?

MAX
That sounds like an HR nightmare waiting to happen. Kinda like you and Slap. But it’s not the same.

TAMMY
You would’ve complained if you didn’t like it.

MAX
I think he’s just free with his body! He hasn’t tried to touch me or anything.

TAMMY
Other than holding your hand to walk you through walls.

MAX
Yeah, other than that. But he hasn’t flirted with me, not even once.

ID
Hasn’t flirted with you?

TAMMY
Jesus Christ!

ID
Are you insane?

MAX
Elijah!?

TAMMY
Oh my god, ID, one of these days you’re going to literally scare the BLEEP out of me. Considering how many burritos I eat, you would not like how that smells.

MAX
How long have you been here?

ID
My last assignment finished early, so I was going to surprise you, but when you walked in, you started bragging about your new car and I couldn’t figure out a good time to interrupt.

MAX
You can’t just sneak in like that!

TAMMY
To be fair, we’re always running out and forgetting to lock the door.

ID
I didn’t sneak in. I have a key.

MAX
I didn’t give you a key so you could spy on me!

ID
I wasn’t spying. I was trying to be romantic. I was going to wait in your bedroom and flicker the lights and pretend to be a sexy ghost.

MAX
You’re only saying that because you overheard us talking about roleplay.

ID
Not true! I was even planning a whole “Casper the friendly sex-ghost” thing, but now I don’t want you confusing me with the real Caspar in your life.

MAX
What are you talking about? Phaser’s my boss. That’s it.

ID
Max. Phaser’s gay, and he knows you are too. He knows he’s hot, and apparently, he’s been exposing himself to you. Repeatedly. That’s not just harmless flirting, that’s like full-on sexual harassment.

MAX
Oh come on, he’s not harassing me. He’s always a gentleman!

ID
The only way you’d see it like that is if you were into it too.

TAMMY 
Maybe I should leave.

MAX
Good idea. We have a lot to talk about.

TAMMY
I’ll be... taking a walk in the park if you need me.  ID, remember that Max loves you, okay? And he hasn’t done anything to hurt you. If anything, he’s probably too naive to grasp what you’re saying. Got it?

ID
Got it.

TAMMY
Maxi, text me when you want me back.

MAX
Yeah, okay.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.

MAX
So...

ID
Max, do you have feelings for your boss?

MAX
You’ve been here listening the whole time, you tell me!

ID
I know you haven’t done anything with him, and you make it sound professional, but–

MAX
It IS professional. You have nothing to worry about.

ID
We both know that Phaser is seriously hot. Agreed?

MAX
I dunno, I prefer my men a little less opaque.

ID
I won’t be offended if you say yes. I mean, geez, I’m not blind.

MAX
Fine. Objectively speaking, Caspar is… a good looking man. He’s very… symmetrical.

ID
You know he wants you.

MAX
Whoa, no, there is… no way.

ID
Max. You’re cute, you’re passionate, you’re funny every once in a while, and with your antlers, you have built-in handlebars. Any man with a brain can see that you’re a catch.

MAX
I don’t see how the antler handlebar thing is relevant right now, but, thank you, I guess.

ID
I wasn’t trying to compliment you.

MAX
Elijah, there’s no way Caspar’s into me.

ID
Oh my god, for being so smart, you’re a moron.

MAX
I think you’re jealous.

ID
Jealous? Of the living statue that you spend all of your time with? Of course I’m jealous! He’s gorgeous! Are you not listening to what I’m saying?

MAX
Can I hold your hand? I feel like we should be seeing each other for this conversation.

ID
Not now, I– I need to think.

MAX
Think about what?

ID
I heard what you said about me being dependent on my parents.

MAX
I don’t think that’s a bad thing. And you’re not the only one who needs that relationship. I think you’re all really co-dependent. I mean, your parents gave up their careers as superspies to take care of you, and you probably feel like you’re obligated to stay.

ID
Wow, you would make a really crappy therapist.

MAX
What, that’s not it?

ID
That might be a tiny fraction of it, but I don’t want to leave them yet because… I like them! I enjoy spending time with them. It doesn’t feel like an obligation, like your awkward monthly dinner with your parents.

MAX
Hey, that’s really mean.

ID
I’m not trying to be mean, just… honest.

MAX
Are there any other reasons why you don’t want to move in with me? Now that we’re apparently trying to be transparent?

ID
I– I didn’t want to tell you like this.

MAX
Tell me what?

ID
Nothing.

MAX
Elijah!

ID
I don’t want to move in with you, okay? Max?

MAX
Wow.

ID
It’s not that I don’t love you, I do, I’m just not ready yet. I need more time. You’re my first boyfriend, and I don’t want to mess this up. I just have a gut feeling that I’m not ready for this step yet.

MAX
Is that why you’ve barely been texting me lately? You’ve been nervous to tell me?

ID
Yeah, pretty much. I know you didn’t want to give up on this apartment after Tammy leaves, but maybe I could help you find a roommate? There are other sidekicks that could use a nice place to live.

MAX
I wouldn’t exactly call this apartment nice, but it’s not horrible.

ID
Maybe if you ever get around to fixing that squeaky door...

MAX
Hey, I like it! It has character.

ID
Yeah, okay, I think you’re just lazy.

MAX
You may be correct.

ID
So. Are we… okay?

MAX
Depends. Can I get you a jingly cat collar so I can hear you coming?

ID
Is that a roleplaying thing? You wanna pretend I’m a naughty kitten who's hungry for some cream?

MAX
Eww, barf. No thank you.

ID
(laughs)

MAX
(sigh) So, are you done being jealous of my relationship with Caspar? He’s my mentor, that’s it. And maybe a nudist. I don’t know. If I ever feel threatened or uneasy, I promise, I’ll speak up.

ID
By then it might be too late.

MAX
What do you mean?

ID
I trust you, but I don’t trust him.

MAX
What do I have to do to convince you?

ID
I don’t think you can. I’ve seen the way he stares at you when you’re not paying attention. He looks at you like a hungry wolf hunting a deer.

MAX
What are you talking about? You haven’t even met Caspar.

ID
Oh. I, uhh–

MAX
Have you been spying on us?

ID
I went to surprise you at HQ last month when I got back from that long mission in Toronto, but you and Caspar were training in the gym. I saw the way he watched you. I didn’t like it.

MAX
Wow. I– Wow.

ID
What is it?

MAX
That’s twice now that you’ve spied on me, lied to me, and blamed it on trying to “surprise me.” Well, congratulations, I’m surprised.

ID
I think you’re right, I shouldn’t be invisible for this conversation. Can I take your hand?

MAX
Please, don’t.

ID
I think it would help!

MAX
I really don’t want to look at you right now.

ID
Max…

MAX
Were you going to tell me?

ID
I was keeping an eye on you, to protect you!

MAX
That doesn’t answer the question.

ID
No, I wasn’t going to tell you. Not unless things escalated between you and Phaser.

MAX
So what? Rather than talking to me and trusting me, you were just going to spy on us until the day he makes a move on me and I decide whether or not to cheat on you?

ID
No, you’re twisting things. If you were going to cheat on me you would’ve done it already.

MAX
Oh, hey, at least there’s that! I hope knowing that I wouldn’t cheat on you is a great comfort when you’re sad and alone.

ID
Now you’re being mean. Let’s just talk this out.

MAX
(sigh) I can’t believe I thought the biggest problem in our relationship was your parents.

ID
Hey, watch it. My parents have nothing to do with this.

MAX
Yes, they do. Maybe if they hadn’t smothered you with attention your entire life, you’d have normal boundaries.

ID
Shut up! They love me. They’ve sacrificed everything for me.

MAX
(sigh) What are we doing? I can’t believe I thought we were gonna move in together. Tammy’s right, I’m way too naive.

ID
Max, please. I love you. I promise, I won’t spy on you again. I know you were joking, but I can wear a bell, or you can track my phone to know where I am. I swear, I won’t do it again.

MAX
I would ask you to leave before I say anything I regret, but I already regret what I said about your parents. I’m sorry, I, I didn’t mean that. I’m just really angry, and I lashed out.

ID
Please, let me hold your hand.

MAX
No. If I see you, I don’t think I’ll be able to do this.

ID
Do what? No… Max! Max, please.

MAX
I think– I think you should leave. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust.

ID
So, so what? That’s it? We’re just… done? After everything we’ve been through?

MAX
I don’t know. I think I need some time. This is a lot.

ID
What—What can I do?

MAX
You can go, and wait until I figure things out. I won’t leave you hanging, I promise. I love you too much for that.

ID
I love you, too. I– I– Bye, Max. I’m sorry.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

MAX
Elijah, wait, I– BLEEP. Elijah? Are you still here? Did you do that thing where you close the door like you left but you really stayed behind? I guess not.

ID
No… I did. I just can’t leave with everything broken like this.

MAX
Oh my god. This just proves my point! You’re so messed up!

ID
I don’t want this to be the last time we talk.

MAX
It won’t! Please, just believe me.

ID
I do!  I do. I’m sorry. I’ll go, for real this time. When you thought I’d left, you called out and said “wait.” What did you want to say?

MAX
It doesn’t matter now. Just go home. Please.

ID
I–  Okay. I’ll prove to you that you can trust me. Just be careful around Phaser. I have good instincts, and there’s something off with him.

MAX
Your concerns are noted and filed. Thank you.

ID
(sigh) Fine. Whatever. Bye, Max. I… love you.

MAX
Bye, Elijah.

ID
(sighs)

SOUND: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

MACGUFFIN
Wow, listeners, that was… kinda rough. But hey, I like it rough. I mean, my drama, not my sex. I prefer my sex slow. And slimy. If you need a pick me up after that, boy, do we have a podcast recommendation for you. Cue promo:

SFX: PODCAST TRAILER

MACGUFFIN
Nice! Now it’s time for the credits, you BLEEPing weirdos!

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, ID is voiced by Nick B, and MacGuffin is voiced by John Pupo. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson. Thanks for listening! Feel free to follow us on Instagram and Facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, Tumblr at SecondFiddles, and Twitter at Second Fiddles spelled 2NDFIDDLES. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!