27 - Stasis

SOUND: VOICEMAIL BEEP

MAX
Hi! You’ve reached Maxim Loft. I’m either not available to answer your call, or I’m screening this because only family and salespeople call phones anymore, and I don’t know which one’s worse. Leave a message, or, if you want a response, send a text. For the love of god, send a text.

SOUND: VOICEMAIL BEEP

ID
Hi, Max. I don’t have a lot of time, because we’re entering stasis soon for the return trip, so this is just me calling to tell you I’m okay, and we’re headed back. Space is awful, and I never want to do this again. I can’t wait to see you. For me, it’ll only be a few minutes, but for you, it’ll be almost a month. It’s almost over, so hang in there. Okay, I have to go, Sophia and Cam are waiting for me. Have I mentioned that space is awful? Because it is. Love you, Max. Bye! Wait, BLEEP, did I just say love? I don’t have the time to re-record this, so enjoy wrapping your head around that for the next few weeks! Don’t overthink it. Bye!

SOUND: OPENING MUSIC

MAT
Episode 27, Stasis. As a warning, this episode contains discussion of torture.

SOUND: FADE OUT MUSIC

CAM
Welcome to the stasis pre-game, Elijah!

SOPHIA
Where have you been?

ID
Sorry, I was leaving a voicemail for Max.

CAM
I don’t think I’ve left a voicemail in years.

ID
I didn’t have an option.

SOPHIA
I called Ren this morning to tell her we’re coming back, and to check on Eliot. I miss his purring.

CAM
I think it’s morning now, it was night when you called her.

SOPHIA
No, you are incorrect.

CAM
Argh, space! I don’t know what day it is anymore.

ID
How’s Eliot doing?

SOPHIA
He misses his mommy, I think.

ID
How’s Ren?

SOPHIA
She is…

ID
What, is she okay?

SOPHIA
She… quit being a sidekick.

ID
Oh my god! Why?

SOPHIA
She wants to be happy, so she’s taking control of her life. She’s thinking of going to college.

CAM
Wow, good for her.

ID
I don’t know if I’d be brave enough to do something like that.

SOPHIA
You’re very brave, Elijah.

ID
After what happened with the Kromin a-holes, I feel… weak. Oh, sorry, Cam, no offense.

CAM
Hey, I still choose to identify as human. Those Kromin jerks are a-holes.

SOPHIA
You weren’t weak, Elijah. What happened wasn’t your fault.

ID
They tried to get information out of me, and they succeeded, meaning… I wasn’t strong enough. It’s fairly cut and dry.

CAM
Dude, they tortured you. The fact that you’re still mentally with it is a testament to how strong you are.

ID
They only tortured me for like 45 minutes. Smasher and Danger Damsel were tortured for what, months? They never broke.

CAM
They cut all of your fingers off, and you had no idea they were going to use their tech to heal you afterward.

ID
That doesn’t matter. I’m an embarrassment. What am I gonna tell my parents? They were freakin’ superspies!

CAM
Not gonna lie, if they were torturing me, I would’ve told them my entire life story after the first finger. Maybe before they even started.

SOPHIA
What you said about being there for Smasher, they already knew because we told them. You didn’t reveal anything secretive to them. You need to stop blaming yourself.

ID
So you’re saying I was tortured for literally no reason?

SOPHIA
That’s not what I said, and you know that.

CAM
You were lucky, Elijah. Smasher and Danger Damsel may not’ve given away intel, but their spirits are broken. Not broken… shattered. Danger Damsel couldn’t even form words, remember? We had to put her into stasis immediately.

SOPHIA
And after speaking with my father, he asked to be put into stasis as well. He’s not the same man he used to be.

ID
I can still feel the blood draining from my body before they zapped my hands and my fingers grew back. I was so cold. I think I had a heart attack, too.

CAM
I can’t even imagine what that’s like.

SOPHIA
I’m so sorry.

ID
Can we change the subject?

SOPHIA
Yes. Let’s.

ID
What did you talk to your dad about? Did you get the answers you needed before he went under?

SOPHIA
Can we change to a different different subject?

ID
You came here to find him and get answers, right?

SOPHIA
I did.

CAM
I’m curious, too. Spill the tea, Sophia. Oh, did you ask what your name is? We know it’s not really Sophia.

SOPHIA
You’re correct, it’s not my given name. My father did address me by my real name when he first saw me. He’s been through so much, I think he forgot that he’d been lying to me.

ID
And?

SOPHIA
It appears that I chose the wrong Golden Girl.

ID
What?

SOPHIA
My birth name is Dorothy. Apparently, my mother was a big Wizard of Oz fan.

CAM
Oh thank god, I thought you were gonna say Blanche.

ID
And Rose would be weird because, you know, we live in Rose City.

SOPHIA
My older sister Frankie was named after Frank Baum, so at least the Oz theme is consistent.

ID
You have a sister?

SOPHIA
She used to go by the name Retcon when she was a sidekick, but she left to go work for a Public Relations firm in California. She and Smasher had an argument before she left, and they don’t really speak anymore. At least, that’s what my father told me.

ID
What else was he hiding from you? Did he talk about your memory?

SOPHIA
He said that I’d begged for the neural inhibitor to control my transformations after hurting Frankie in a car accident, so he obliged, and something happened during the surgery that caused my amnesia. He felt so guilty, he pretended that he was just a scientist, and not my father, and he brought me on as his sidekick to keep an eye on me.

CAM
That makes no sense. Why didn’t he just tell you?

SOPHIA
The argument with Frankie was over what happened with my memory, and he was so afraid that if he told me the truth, he would lose both of his daughters. When he finally realized lying to me had been a mistake, too much time had passed, and so he felt pressured to keep up the charade.

ID
How do you... feel about that?

SOPHIA
I’m happy I know the truth, and I’m sad, but not angry. It happened, and there’s no point in dwelling in the past.

CAM
Do you think that mindset is easy for you because of your power? If I could replay every single moment I’ve ever experienced, I would probably do nothing but live in the past.

SOPHIA
Exactly. If I think too much about the past, I’d be blind to the future. And I refuse to do that.

ID
You’re so emotionally intelligent, Sophia. Damn! Or, do you want us to call you Dorothy now?

CAM
What’s a nickname for Dorothy? Thea? Dot?

SOPHIA
Stick with Sophia, please. Thank you.

CAM
You said your sister used to be a sidekick. I don’t remember hearing of someone named Retcon, and I’ve been working for the A-league for a while.

SOPHIA
Her power is to manipulate memories, and my father said that she makes people forget she ever existed after working with them. She thinks it keeps her safer if no one knows who she is.

ID
That’s messed up.

CAM
That sounds really lonely.

SOPHIA
It does. I’m hoping to reach out to her when we return to earth.

CAM
So you have a perfect memory, and your sister can change memories? That’s cool that your powers are similar. I wonder if you could combine your powers somehow.

SOPHIA
I didn’t ask. I don’t know. I could tell he was getting tired. Seeing me gave him some energy and lucidity, but after a while, he started spacing out. That’s when he asked to be placed into stasis.

ID
I wonder if your sister could make me forget what it felt like to have my fingers cut off.

SOPHIA
Maybe that’s something I can talk to her about. I just hope she’s willing to speak with me.

ID
California road trip!

SOPHIA
You’re not sick of me yet?

CAM
Hey, we all need a vacation after this. ID was tortured, you finally confronted your father, and I discovered I’m a royal alien sent to destroy earth. A beach sounds like a perfect place to decompress.

ID
Only if Max can come too. I’m not leaving him again if I can help it.

CAM
Oh come on, you can keep up your whole long-distance phone-sex thing, you’re really good at it!

ID
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

CAM
My quarters are next to yours, and the walls aren’t as thick as you think they are.

ID
I think I’m going to throw up.

CAM
Don’t be embarrassed, it was hot!

ID
Oh, god. I could never look you in the eye ever again.

CAM
Never again?

SOUND: SHAPESHIFTING SQUISH

CAM (MAX VOICE)
Not even if I look like this?

ID
Ah, change back, change back!

CAM (MAX VOICE)
What? Did I get the antlers wrong?

ID
Change back, it’s very creepy!

SOUND: SHAPESHIFTING SQUISH

CAM
You’re no fun.

ID
Thank you.

SOPHIA
I can’t stop thinking about something.

CAM
What’s up?

SOPHIA
Even if Frankie was mad at our father, why wouldn’t she want to have a relationship with me? Just because he chose to lie to me, that doesn’t mean she had to follow his lead. It doesn’t add up.

CAM
What I was wondering was, if Frankie can manipulate memories, right, why didn’t she restore yours after you lost them?

SOPHIA
That is a good question.

ID
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

SOPHIA
What?

ID
What if Frankie is the one who erased your memories? What if something really, really bad happened, and she wanted to make you forget? Like, what if you killed someone?

CAM
That’s a little dramatic, but I’m living for it!

SOPHIA
I thought talking to Smasher would help clarify things, but in some ways, I’m even more lost than I was before. When I find Frankie, I’m going to ask a lot of questions.

CAM
What? Sophia? Asking a lot of questions? Crazy!

ID
It’s like when you read a book with an unreliable narrator, and you question the entire time if what you’re reading is actually true or not. Your life is like a Bret Easton Ellis novel!

SOPHIA
You know, there was an American Psycho musical produced a few years ago, and it was underrated. It’s no Cats, but it was very enjoyable.

ID
I’ll take your word for it.

CAM
Christian Bale is in my top 10 of people I would never bang.

SOPHIA
Christian Bale was in the film adaptation, not the musical.

ID
Cam, shouldn’t you be avoiding banging people from now on?

CAM
I know, I know. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I wouldn’t want to accidentally cause a species-ending alien invasion from getting knocked up, or getting someone pregnant.

ID
You said that your biological imperative is to have sex, though, right? That’s what the Toilet Plunger guy told you?

CAM
Yep. That’s what he said.

SOPHIA
Do you believe him?

CAM
I do, yeah.

SOPHIA
So, what will you do?

CAM
I’m going to keep having sex, but safely.

ID
You want to leave the fate of the world in the hands of… condom manufacturers?

CAM
No, of course not. I’ll just ditch my reproductive organs.

ID
What? You can do that?

CAM
If my body’s male, I’ll lose the balls, and if I’m female, I’ll get rid of my ovaries. Simple!

ID
Huh. Will that work?

CAM
I don’t see why not. I mean, I’ll still use contraception, too, to be super safe, but I think I’ll be fine.

SOPHIA
What about suppressing your alien identity? Ploonjer said you would live and die a human life if you don’t awaken your Kromin persona. Is that your intention?

CAM
Oh, yeah. I don’t want to live for hundreds of years. I would have to watch everyone die, and that sounds like a real bummer.

ID
You say that now, but when you’re like 95, you might reconsider.

CAM
Well, I won’t look old, unless I want to. If I get cancer, I can just alter my cells to get rid of it, sooo, umm... Yeah. No idea how aging will work for me. Will my organs just stop working?

SOPHIA
It seems I’m not the only one left with more questions.

CAM
(sigh) This sucks.

ID
Can we all agree this has been the worst mission ever?

SOPHIA
We did save two members of the A-league.

CAM
And I made “my people” agree not to send another ambassador to earth, so that’s a success.

SOPHIA
And I really enjoyed getting to know both of you. I actually don’t regret anything that happened. Except for not considering Kromin biology and whether or not they could perceive invisible humans.

ID
Yeah. Thanks for that. You know what? I really didn’t contribute to this mission at all. If I hadn’t been here, nothing would’ve changed.

SOPHIA
If Ren had been here instead, it would’ve probably been the same, you are correct.

ID
That’s not what I mean. If it had been just the two of you, with no third member, no change. Nada. Weren’t you worried about transforming and destroying everyone?

SOPHIA
Yes, that’s one of the reasons why I’d asked Ren to come with me. She would’ve been able to put me to sleep in case I overreacted and put the rest of the team at risk.

ID
I feel like this was a Chekhov's gun situation. Like, you’re the gun, and I thought you were gonna go off before the end of the mission, but you were as cool as a cucumber.

SOPHIA
I’m a firm believer in diplomacy over aggression.

CAM
If I weren’t Kromin royalty, I wonder what would’ve happened. It probably would’ve been a disaster. Elijah, you and I would probably be dead, Smasher and Danger Damsel would still be in captivity, and Sophia might’ve got all big and smashy and gotten herself locked up or killed, too.

ID
When you put it that way, I guess only losing my fingers was the better alternative.

CAM
At least they grew back.

ID
That only makes it slightly better. I’m going to need so much therapy, it’s not even funny. What does PTSD feel like?

SOPHIA
Whatever happens with you, and Danger Damsel and Smasher, it’s going to be a long road to recovery. The A-league is essentially over with. The B-league will have to step up now and take over.

ID
I’m sure Tammy will love getting a promotion.

SOPHIA
I wonder if she’s hired a sidekick yet.

ID
Last time I talked to Max, I think–

CAM
You guys really got into roleplaying, if I recall.

ID
Ugh, I’d almost forgotten about your gross invasion of my privacy.

CAM
Hey, it wasn’t gross, and you were the one invading my privacy, technically. I mean, were you supposed to be a butler or James Bond? Your British accent was confusing.

ID
We both like Downton Abbey. Don’t judge me! Anyway, I think Max said Tammy hadn’t found anyone yet, but who knows. By the time we’re back, I’m sure she’ll have someone.

SOPHIA
I feel like she won’t find anyone. I love Tammy, but I think she has impossible standards for sidekicks.

ID
You’re not wrong.

CAM
Hey, what’s the first thing you’re gonna do when we get back?

ID
Hug my parents. Then Max.

CAM
What about you, Sophia?

SOPHIA
I’m going to get my father settled back in at A-league headquarters, go pick up Eliot from Ren, and then consider finally going to Build-a-bear!

ID
Hey, whatever floats your boat. What about you, Cam? You gonna go screw someone’s brains out?

CAM
Hell, no. I’m getting pizza. Or a cheeseburger. Or a cheeseburger pizza. That’s gotta be a thing, right?

SOPHIA
Oooh, I would love a big, fresh spinach salad with berries.

CAM
That’s your comfort food? A salad?

SOPHIA
I said with berries.

CAM
Maybe you’re the alien here, not me.

SOPHIA
I could… add croutons!

ID
I want ice cream. Like, with way more cookie dough than should be legally permitted. And caramel. Oh, and whipped cream. And maybe a banana? And peanut butter.

CAM
Ya done?

ID
I think we should get into these stasis pods before I start drooling thinking about non-dehydrated space food.

SOPHIA
Our trajectory is all set, and we’ll start making jumps as soon as we’re secured in the pods.

ID
Have I asked you yet if there was a henchie named Wormhole?

SOPHIA
No, but Ren asked Tammy about that the night we were teleported aboard. Tammy never answered her, because she was fixated on the galaxy’s designation, BJ-69.

ID
How did I forget about that?

SOPHIA
You don’t have memory powers, so it’s understandable.

CAM
I can answer that. There’s no sidekick, but there used to be a supervillain with the alias Wormhole. Captain Spangles told me about her.

ID
What could she do? Turn into worms and enter holes?

CAM
No, she could literally create wormholes.

ID
Oh.

CAM
Yeah.

ID
That’s oddly disappointing.

CAM
I know. I guess everything can’t be a pun.

ID
Can it, though?

SOPHIA
I fear that our discussion has degraded to the point where I cannot come up with a reason to not enter stasis.

ID
I want to get back home, and I know as soon as we lay down in the pods it’ll be like no time has passed before we wake up, but… I’m a little scared.

CAM
I know what you mean. After going on this huge adventure, our lives are going to seem kind of boring, right? It’s like Bilbo returning to the Shire. How can we go back?

SOPHIA
Did I miss something? We spent weeks on a spaceship doing nothing but maintenance chores and speaking to each other, then we sat in a room in the Toylitt speaking with Ploonjer, and then we got back on our ship. That doesn’t seem very action-packed.

ID
Tell that to my severed BLEEPing fingers. Sorry, that was harsh.

CAM
Hey, we still accomplished a lot! And we had a buddy-action adventure in space and saved the galaxy!

SOPHIA
The galaxy BJ-69.

ID
(snickers) Uh oh.

SOPHIA
What?

ID
I just realized… we totally failed the mission!

CAM
What are you talking about? We saved Danger Damsel and Sophia’s dad, and I negotiated for earth’s safety. That’s a win.

ID
Yeah, it’s a win for earth, sure, but what about the rest of BJ-69? We’re literally just leaving all these planets at the mercy of the Kromin Empire. We haven’t helped anyone but ourselves. The A-league came here to save countless millions from the tyranny of their alien invaders. Which hasn’t changed.

CAM
Oh. Yeah. Wow, we really dropped the ball. Why didn’t I use my authority to save other planets?

ID
Oh god, we’re so selfish!

CAM
Should we stay? Since we haven’t finished the mission?

ID
I don’t know. If the A-league couldn’t do anything, we certainly don’t have the resources to take down an entire evil empire. Sophia, you’re quiet. What do you think?

SOPHIA
To be honest with you… I think we need to get in our pods and go the BLEEP home.

ID
Sophia! Language!

CAM
Well, you heard it here, folks! It’s time to get our stasis on!

SOPHIA
We can regroup when we return, but Elijah is correct. There’s not much else we can do.

ID
Okay. Let’s do this. And, guys…?

SOPHIA
I’m not a guy. Was that directed to me?

CAM
I’m sometimes a guy, so I’ll still answer. What’s up?

ID
Can we… come up with a cool secret handshake that only the three of us know? Like a special alien invasion memory kinda thing? We can be the space squad!

CAM
I appreciate your enthusiasm, but no. Nice try.

SOPHIA
Please, get in your pod, Elijah.

ID
I’ve been sitting in my pod for like 5 minutes already.

CAM
Oh. Really?

ID
Mmhmm.

CAM
Sorry, can’t see ya.

ID
Story of my life.

SOPHIA
Okay. Ready?

ID
Wait, I forgot to ask something else!

SOPHIA
What is it now?

ID
You never told us, Sophia, what happened to your mom? Why is Smasher the only parent in the picture?

SOPHIA
I… I don’t know! Father started talking about Frankie, and he mentioned why our mother named us, but that’s it, she didn't come up again! I’ll have to ask when we get back.

CAM
Cool, cool. Can we go? The pizza is calling me!

ID
I think I have to pee again, should I–

CAM
Hold it!

ID
(groans) Fine.

SOPHIA
I’m ready to begin the stasis protocols. Shall I begin?

ID
Do it.

CAM
It’s stasis time, motherBLEEPers!

SOUND: MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Invisidude is voiced by Nick B, Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime, Chameleon is voiced by Allana Langen and Mat Johnson, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, and all the editing and writing and all that productiony stuff was done by Mat Johnson, and stay tuned for the season 2 finale next week. Thank you for listening!