26 - Lullaby

SOUND: OPENING MUSIC

MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles: While running an errand for me, MacGuffin, Sally had an encounter with the sidekick now known as Lullaby. Needless to say, Sally rubbed Ren the wrong way. Between working multiple jobs and helping her sister Cassie learn how to use her powers, Ren is starting to burn the candle at both ends. Sally recently told me she would like to burn Ren’s candle at both ends, but I’m pretty sure she meant it as a sex thing. Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 26, Lullaby.

SOUND: MUSIC FADE OUT

MAX
Is this it? Only the three of us?

TAMMY
Yeah, Linus is out for drinks with a friend.

MAX
Oh. How nice for him.

TAMMY
Maxi, are you disappointed?

MAX
Maybe a little bit?

TAMMY
You went from hating Linus to being attached at the hip in a matter of weeks.

MAX
We’re not attached at the hip, that’s your job.

TAMMY
If by hip, you mean pelvis, then you would be correct. But don’t get any ideas, he’s still firmly straight. I mean, he curves to the left a little bit.

REN
I would totally watch them kiss.

TAMMY
What did you say?

REN
Max, I think your bromance with Linus is cute.

MAX
It’s not a bromance.

TAMMY
It’s okay, as soon as ID gets back, he’ll probably never talk to Linus again.

MAX
That’s not true! Linus is my… bro?

TAMMY
Ew, never say “bro” again. It’s unbecoming.

REN
Who’s Linus meeting for drinks?

TAMMY
What’s it to you?

REN
Uhh, no reason. Just making conversation!

TAMMY
Are you hoping it’s a certain pottery instructor?

REN
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

TAMMY
Oh, really? So if I were to say that Linus was out with his friend Bram, all 7 glorious feet of blond viking muscle, you wouldn’t care in the slightest?

REN
I plead the fifth.

MAX
I remember Bram from the academy. He’s not 7 feet tall. I mean, yeah, he’s tall, but not that tall.

TAMMY
Whatever. Anyway, yes, he’s out with Bram. He wanted to repay him for letting him crash at his place for a bit.

REN
Bram isn’t 7 feet tall. He’s 6’6”.

TAMMY
And how do you know that? Some light social media stalking, perhaps?

REN
Oh, god, no. I mean, yeah, I follow him, but we, uhh…

TAMMY
Did you two hook up?

REN
No! No! We just went on a date last week. And I asked him how tall he was.

MAX
Well, color me surprised! Did Linus give him your number or something?

REN
Why? Because a man has to make the first move?

MAX
Hey, in my life, a man always makes the first move. Because I don’t date women. Because I’m homosexual.

TAMMY
She gets it, Maxi.

MAX
My bad.

REN
I asked Linus if it was okay, and he said go for it. So, I slid into his DMs, and, well, we met for coffee.

MAX
How did it go?

REN
I’m not normally into pasty nordic boys, but he’s like… a gentle giant. He’s sweet, and super down to earth. We’re meeting again tomorrow.

TAMMY
Should I get Linus to bring him over here? I want to meet the man who’s stealing my little Renny’s heart.

REN
Lay off, Mom, I don’t want him to be exposed to the two of you just yet. Not to be rude, but you’re... a lot.

MAX
You’re not wrong.

TAMMY
Did you just call me Mom? I’m only a decade older than you!

MAX
Tam, measuring age difference by the decade doesn’t help your cause much.

TAMMY
Whatever. You bang him yet, kid?

REN
I said we went out for coffee!

TAMMY
So is that a yes?

MAX
I think she actually means coffee, not like, as a euphemism.

TAMMY
Oh, damn. Who asked for the second date?

REN
He did! He asked me before the date was even over!

MAX
Well, that’s a good sign.

TAMMY
So, do you want his large, artistic hands to expertly shape and mold your clay pot?

REN
Oh my god, stop it.

MAX
Tam, you’re making her blush. And good for you, Ren. I didn’t really know Bram at all, but he never made fun of me, and he was always really nice. Also, he could probably pick you up over his shoulder and carry you like a lumberjack.

TAMMY
Oh, nice! You get it, girl!

REN
I’m never talking to you about boys again. Ever.

MAX
We’re just teasing!

TAMMY
I’m so proud of you! If anything can come out of our friendship, it’s popping your–

MAX
Tammy! Too far.

REN
Thanks, Max.

TAMMY
You’re a buzzkill.

REN
So, I actually had a really healthy conversation with Bram, and he helped me make a... pretty important decision. I was going to wait until later to tell you, but–

MAX
You’re quitting your job?

REN
What? How did you know?

MAX
After your run-in with Sally, and the way you’ve been complaining about it, I figured you wouldn’t last very long. 

REN
Really?

TAMMY
Yeah. We didn’t place bets, but we talked about placing bets, if that means anything.

REN
And you’re… okay with it?

TAMMY
Why wouldn’t we be? You do you, kid.

MAX
Why do you look bummed?

REN
I thought you’d have stronger opinions, to be honest.

MAX
Hey, Pet Universe is awful. I don’t blame you. I can do a deep dive online tomorrow to find somewhere else that’s hiring, if you want.

REN
Oh, no, Max, that’s not what I meant.

MAX
Now I’m confused. You don’t want my help?

REN
No, I would love your help, but, I’m not quitting Pet Universe.

MAX
What do you mean?

REN
I quit my other job. I was gonna tell you beforehand, but it just... kind of happened.

TAMMY
Hey, good for you! Lucid Lucy’s a psycho, so you’re probably better off. Does this mean you want to throw your hat in the ring to audition for my sidekick vacancy?

REN
Uhh, no, you’re not getting it.

TAMMY
Well, we already talked about this. I love you like a disaffected niece, but I don’t think we’d work well together.

REN
I don’t want to be anyone’s sidekick!

TAMMY
I don’t think you have enough experience to go pro. What’re you thinking, street vigilante? You’re young enough you could join one of the junior leagues, probably.

REN
Seriously?

TAMMY
What? I’m being honest! You haven’t been doing this very long.

REN
You’re not listening to me.

MAX
Are you saying that you’re, like, quitting, quitting?

REN
Yes. I didn’t just quit working for Lucid Lucy, I quit all of it. Being a sidekick. Being a hero. I even threw away my cape.

MAX
Holy BLEEP.

TAMMY
Wha– Why? I don’t understand.

REN
You guys know I’m from a pretty small town. I think I told you before, the only powered people I knew were in the crime-fighting field. That’s what I thought I was supposed to do. I mean, I wanted to help people, and I have powers, so it made sense at the time.

MAX
What changed?

REN
Seeing Bram’s eyes light up when he talked about his work, it was so special. He uses his heat powers to make art. He makes people happy, and that makes him happy.

TAMMY
So you’re doing this for a boy?

REN
I’m doing this for me.

TAMMY
No, no, it makes sense. You never felt comfortable using your powers, because of your guilt, so you’re using this guy as an excuse to run from your problems. Maybe you’re not mature enough to be a hero, anyway. You made a good call.

REN
BLEEP you, Tammy.

TAMMY
BLEEP you, Karen!

MAX
Tam, you’re the one being immature. Why are you being like this?

TAMMY
Ren’s leaving us, and you’re fine with it?

MAX
I’m sad, but she’s still our friend. Try to be supportive.

REN
You didn’t want me here, anyway, did you?

TAMMY
If I didn’t want you here, wouldn’t I be happy right now?

MAX
Oh my god, this is why I don’t like girls.

TAMMY
Shut up, Maxi, you love the drama, you just hate boobs.

MAX
Don’t forget the vag. I also hate the vag.

REN
If you like having me around, why do you always pick on me and call me kid?

TAMMY
Because you’re young! You’re like a perky little bunny, and I want to help toughen you up for all the foxes in the world.

REN
What kind of analogy are you trying to make?

TAMMY
Foxes eat rabbits, right? I thought it was clear!

MAX
Were you going for a fox in the hen-house sorta vibe?

TAMMY
I don’t know what I mean! Uhh, I know what she’s been through, and I know it’s only going to get harder from here, so I thought I could help.

REN
You thought that reminding me of the guilt I have over my dad’s death was something that would help me?

TAMMY
No. That was a low blow. I was pissed, and I lashed out.

REN
Well, you’re not wrong. I think about him every time I use my powers. I try to use them in a way that would make him proud.

TAMMY
I think he would be really proud of you.

REN
That’s... nice of you to say.

MAX
I think he would be so proud of you making a decision like this. Seriously, quitting the sidekick life is probably the most mature thing anyone in this room has ever done.

TAMMY
Hey, I’ve done plenty of mature things.

MAX
Mature like adult-content mature, or mature like– nevermind. Just keep telling yourself that.

TAMMY
Ren, you didn’t quit because of me, did you?

REN
No. No, of course not. And it wasn’t because of a boy, either. I could care less about Sally threatening my life, but she threatened my family. I think I’ve been selfish, following this path to find some kind of validation. I thought fighting criminals would make the world a better place, and that may be true, but if my job puts my loved ones at risk, for me, it’s not worth it.

MAX
I guess I never thought of it that way.

REN
I put a lot of thought into this. I mean, yeah, when I quit, it was in the middle of an interrogation with Lucid Lucy. I stayed until she was out, I didn’t just leave while she was dreamwalking, but I handed her my B-League access badge, told her that she’d be needing a new sidekick, and I walked out. I feel relieved now. No, not relieved… Free. I feel... free. Is that silly?

MAX
I’m a little jealous. I mean, I’m in the opposite boat. I want to be a hero, but the universe is trying to keep me out of the game entirely by sidelining me.

REN
Sidelining you? You inherited multiple new superpowers. You can communicate with animals, you can regenerate, you can shoot lasers from your eyes. If anything, the universe is telling you that you’re meant to do this. Antlers and all.

MAX
Huh. Another good point. Are you sure you don’t want to work for Tammy? I think she would benefit from your good influence.

TAMMY
The names Pitch and Lullaby don’t really sound great together.

MAX
What do I keep saying, you can’t base a partnership on how your names sound together!

TAMMY
Whatever.

REN
You’ll find someone great, Tammy, but it’s not me.

TAMMY
What am I gonna do without a young little whippersnapper like you keeping me on my toes?

REN
Oh, wow. Whippersnapper? What’s next, you’re gonna call me a scamp or rapscallion?

TAMMY
You know, I met a henchie named Rapscallion once…

REN
Okay, let me guess this one. It’s always the opposite of what I think it is. Was he a gift-wrapper who would sneak small onions into people’s presents?

TAMMY
Nope, but good guess! Rapscallion was an amatuer rapper with toxic onion breath.

MAX
Eww, gross. The toxic breath part, not the rapper part. Was he any good?

TAMMY
He was good at taking a punch to the face.

MAX
Nevermind.

TAMMY
So, kid. Ren. Sorry. Force of habit. What are your plans?

REN
I’m not exactly positive. I’m going to keep my job at Pet Universe part time, and Bram actually offered me a job at his art studio as a receptionist. His classes are getting so popular that he needs help booking appointments and ordering and organizing all of his supplies. I can totally handle that.

TAMMY
He offered you a job on the first date? I mean, the only job I offer on the first date is–

MAX
Tammy! Stop it.

REN
No, no, he was talking about how he needed help, and I volunteered myself. He agreed before he could take it back.

MAX
I hope if it doesn’t work out, you at least stay friends, or else you’ll be looking for work again really soon.

REN
It’s probably just gonna be temporary. I’m thinking of going to college.

MAX
Like, a civilian school, or Rose Academy?

REN
Rose Academy, actually. I know it seems counterproductive, to be going to a place that trains future sidekicks and superheroes after quitting that line of work, but I was doing research, and there’s a great humanitarian aid program. I could learn how to use my powers to help people in a real way. There’s a pre-med program, too.

MAX
You want to be a doctor?

REN
No, but maybe a nurse or a psychologist or something? I don’t know, I have to meet with the admissions people and figure it all out. Maybe I could work with old people in hospice care and bring them peace.

TAMMY
Like, in a doctor Kevorkian way?

REN
I have no idea who that is.

TAMMY
Nevermind.

MAX
She’s talking about assisted suicide.

REN
Oh, no, not like that! I just mean, if they’re in pain, or can’t sleep, like maybe I could use my powers to help them rest.

TAMMY
Or, you could work in a daycare and when the brats get too rowdy, you could make nap-time mandatory.

REN
Okay, that’s pretty funny.

MAX
Even if Tam was joking, that’s actually a really good idea.

REN
So, you think I have some good options?

MAX
Definitely.

TAMMY
I can just imagine someone doing a spin-off of Second Fiddles called Rose Academy, where you get to join another ensemble cast and we could pop in every once in a while. Your sister could even join you there in a couple years!

REN
My life isn’t a tv show or a podcast or something.

MAX
Wouldn’t that be fun if it was? Wink wink.

REN
That would be lame. No one would want to watch or listen to that. I’m boring.

TAMMY
You’re not boring! You’ve helped a deranged dreamwalker pick the brains of criminals, you saved us all from Sally Mander when we rescued Max, and your best friend is an A-league hero. Your life is pretty awesome.

REN
Oh, no.

MAX
What?

REN
Sophia! What am I gonna do about Sophia?

TAMMY
She won’t stop being your friend because you’re going to college.

REN
Well, I would hope not. I mean, I was supposed to be her sidekick. When she gets back to earth, she’ll probably be expecting me to join her. Now she’ll be alone!

TAMMY
Eh, she’ll be fine. I met a sidekick who might be perfect for her. Her name’s Retcon. She changes people’s memories.

MAX
Really? I’ve never heard of her.

TAMMY
That’s because she doesn’t let people remember working with her. She used to be Smasher’s sidekick before Sophia, and she was the one who caused her amnesia.

REN
What? Did she tell you that?

TAMMY
Well, she erased the memory of our meeting, and she disabled the camera I was using to record the auditions, but she didn’t check my phone. I apparently recorded our entire conversation, but I didn’t find it until this morning when I was reviewing my audition notes. Oh, and she’s Sophia’s sister.

MAX
Sophia has a sister? When were you planning on telling us this?

TAMMY
Well, I was planning on doing it sooner, but I got a little distracted after Lullaby dropped her bomb on us.

REN
Oh, great, blame me.

TAMMY
I was going to tell you!

REN
This is a game changer. I wonder if we could find her and get her to restore Sophia’s memories. I mean, it’s worth a shot, right? Even if she can’t, Sophia should meet her sister.

TAMMY
She’s... slippery, it might not be that easy. I don’t trust her.

REN
My sister Cassie could probably find her with her new powers.

TAMMY
Oh, right, the human compass.

MAX
Ren, this isn’t your problem anymore. One benefit of quitting is that you don’t have to deal with things like superpowered amnesia and secret siblings anymore.

REN
But... 

TAMMY
Unless you want to reconsider?

REN
No, definitely not.

TAMMY
Then why do you look like you’re deep in thought?

REN
Could someone that changes memories help my mom? Erase her trauma? Help her get over losing my dad?

TAMMY
I don’t think it works that way. Forgetting what happened to him wouldn’t change the fact that he’s gone. What, would you want her to think he abandoned her instead?

REN
No, I wouldn’t want her to forget altogether, but I would want her to think that dad was driving the car, not her. Then she wouldn’t blame herself for being behind the wheel when it happened.

MAX
The loss wouldn’t change, though, would it? It would still hurt, just a little differently.

REN
No, I guess not. Nevermind, it was a stupid thought.

TAMMY
It’s not stupid. It’s considerate.

REN
I guess. It’s going to be so weird not to be a part of this… thing anymore.

MAX
It’s going to be weird not having you with us, but we’ll still keep in touch. Anything you need, I’ll be here for you. Unless you need a ride, I won’t ever be able to fit into a car again. BLEEPing antlers.

REN
(laughs) Thanks, Max.

MAX
And we’ll worry about Retcon and the amnesia drama.

TAMMY
Hey, those names sound great with each other.

MAX
What, Retcon and Recall?

TAMMY
Yeah, they’re like, perfect.

MAX
That doesn’t mean anything!

TAMMY
Whatever.

MAX
I also doubt someone who erased her sister’s memories would want to work with her as a sidekick afterward. It’s like us. I love you, but it’s a bad idea to work with family.

TAMMY
Sophia’s been Smasher’s sidekick for years, and he’s her dad.

MAX
But she didn’t know that at the time.

TAMMY
But he did, and she still viewed him as a father figure anyway.

MAX
Okay, let me clarify. You should not work with siblings.

TAMMY
Agreed. We would kill each other.

REN
I’m not going to miss your neverending bickering.

MAX
Speaking of never-ending, can we make this another movie night?

REN
What did you have in mind?

TAMMY
Ugh, let me guess, The Neverending Story?

MAX
Obviously! We haven’t finished going through all of the classic 80’s fantasy quite yet.

TAMMY
Just don’t watch Ladyhawke when I’m here, I fall asleep every time you watch that one.

REN
Is it called the Neverending Story because it’s like a really, really long movie?

MAX
It’s actually pretty short.

REN
I don’t get the name, then.

MAX
You’ll have to watch to understand.

REN
Okay, sure. Can we pop some popcorn?

TAMMY
Of course!

REN
Does this one have songs like the David Bowie one?

MAX
No, it’s not a musical, but it has an epic theme song!

REN
Alright. I just want to know what I’m getting myself into.

MAX
Ren, even though you aren’t a sidekick anymore, you don’t have to stop coming to these Second Fiddles meetings. You know that, right?

REN
I know, but I think it’ll be for the best. Feel free to invite me over for movie nights, or anything else, really, but it’s not healthy for me to be involved in crime fighting stuff anymore.

TAMMY
You’re going to regret that offer. There are so many more 80’s fantasy movies, you have no idea.

REN
I don’t mind! It’s fun seeing all these old movies. Reminds me of a simpler time. I mean, puppets instead of CG? That’s crazy!

TAMMY
Eww, shut up, you little fetus. You’re making me feel ancient.

REN
Hey, if the orthopedic shoe fits…

TAMMY
(sigh) I’m getting the popcorn.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS 

MAX
This is gonna sound silly, Ren, but I want you to know that... I love you? Really. I’m super happy for you.

REN
Aw, I love you, too, Max. And... thanks.

MAX
For what?

REN
For everything. Like, literally everything.

MAX
You are very welcome. You know, I’m not happy that Elijah got sent up with Sophia in your place, but I’m happy you were left behind. Without that, just think, you’d be out in space, who-knows-where, dealing with who-knows-what.

REN
I know. I was lucky.

MAX
I feel lucky, too, having– having...met you. Sorry, I promise I will not cry.

REN
Max…

TAMMY
Oh my god, you two are so sappy right now! She’s not dying, Max!

MAX
Hurry up, popcorn wench!

REN
Do you two want me to use my powers right now? I can sing you one last lullaby, if that’s what you want, then I can watch the movie by myself.

MAX
Nooooo! I must see Falcor and the rock biter!

TAMMY
Did you say something about a pillow biter?

REN
Oh my god, stop it!

MAX
Umm. Has anyone seen the remote?

TAMMY
It’s up your butt!

REN
(laughing) I’m gonna miss this.

SOUND: MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, and Ren is voiced by Kristy Barkan. Music by Pete Johnson, and all the other stuff, production, writing, etcetera, was done by Mat Johnson. Thanks for listening.

SOUND: MUSIC FADE OUT