25 - Ploonjer

ID
Captain’s Log, star date, umm. I don’t know what a star date is. And no, I’m not really the captain. Sorry, I’ve always wanted to say that. Anyway, this is Invisidude, otherwise known as Elijah Asher Woods. Yes, my name is Elijah Woods, like the actor, but with an S at the end. This is the last message I’m recording before we dock at the Kromin Toilet. Oops, that’s not right. The space station is called the Toylitt. So dumb. This message is for my family and friends. If I don’t survive, I want you to know how much I love you. I’m nothing without you, and I hope you’re proud of everything I’ve done. If I die, I really hope my body turns visible. It would be nice if they could bring my body back for you. You should probably cremate me, I think that sounds nice. Just do something cool with my ashes, like scatter them on a mountaintop during a sunrise, or mix them into clay and make a vase out of them to keep flowers in. I know how you love fresh flowers, Mom. I almost said a cookie jar, but that’s really gross. Nobody would want to eat chocolate chip cookies out of Elijah’s dead body’s ash jar. That was really morbid. I’m sorry. If I don’t die, please disregard this entire message. So, to keep you up to speed, Chameleon just hailed the Kromins and they agreed to hear us out. They directed us where to dock the ship, and we’re headed there right now. I left the cockpit area and said I had to pee, but I really just wanted to record this message. I mean, yeah, I also had to pee. Surprise! I’m recording this from the bathroom! The plan, when we get there, is for Chameleon and Recall to board the ship and meet with an ambassador to discuss why we’re here. I’ll be staying behind on the ship to monitor things remotely. Since I’m the best choice to sneak around unseen, obviously, if they need help, I’m prepared to rescue them. Or at the very least, attempt to rescue them. We don’t really know what we’re up against.

SOUND: INTERCOM BEEP

SOPHIA
Invisidude, we are roughly ten minutes from the Kromin Toylitt. Please finish evacuating your bowels and return to the bridge.

SOUND: INTERCOM BEEP

ID
I’m not pooping! Oh, great, I just recorded that. Okay, so, to Mom and Dad, and my Second Fiddles friends, and Max, I hope to see you again soon. Even though you won’t be seeing me. Ba-dum bah! Sorry, force of habit. ID, signing out. Signing off? Is it signing off or signing out? I don’t know what I’m doing. How do I stop this recording? Oh, here it is.

SOUND: RECORDER CLICK OFF
SOUND: FADE INTO OPENING MUSIC

MAT
Episode 25: Ploonjer. Warning: This episode contains discussion of torture and death.

CAM
Recall, we’ve been waiting over an hour for the ambassador to. Are they messing with us?

SOPHIA
We need to remain patient, Chameleon.

CAM
Yeah, well, I’m a little on edge.

SOPHIA
Me too.

SOUND: SPACESHIP DOOR WHOOSHING OPEN
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

PLOONJER
Welcome, emissaries from earth. I am the Ploonjer of this glorious space station, the Toylitt. There’s no exact translation in your language for Ploonjer, but I believe the closest word in English is General. Thank you for waiting for my arrival. I was held up in interrogation.

SOPHIA
Thank you for meeting with us, Ploonjer of the Toylitt. I am known as Recall, and this is Chameleon.

CAM
Thank you for granting us safe passage onto the Toylitt.

SOPHIA
May I ask, great Ploonjer, how are we able to communicate? Does your helmet contain translation technology?

PLOONJER
In a manner of speaking, yes, I am translating, but I wouldn’t use the word “technology.”

CAM
May we be permitted to see your face? I apologiuze if that’s a disrespectful question. Our knowledge of Kromin culture is almost non-existent.

PLOONJER
Are you messing with me?

CAM
Pardon me, but... I don’t know what you mean.

PLOONJER
You must be joking.

SOPHIA
I also do not know what you mean. We have no reason to lie.

PLOONJER
Recall, is it?

SOPHIA
Yes.

PLOONJER
Recall, are you not here to surrender earth to the Kromin Empire?

SOPHIA
I– I am not! I don’t have the authority for something like that.

PLOONJER
Then why have you made this long journey? Is your planet not overrun with our kind?

CAM
Overrun? You’re the first Kromin we’ve ever met.

PLOONJER
Now I know this is a prank. Who put you up to this? Was it Steve?

SOPHIA
I don’t normally get confused, but, I must admit, I have no clue what is happening right now.

PLOONJER
Oh, Steve is such a jokester! (laugh) Oh, it’s hard to laugh with one of these helmets on!

SOUND: HELMET REMOVAL

PLOONJER
Oh, that’s much better. Steve? Are you here? Are you watching this?

CAM
Oh my god, you’re human?

SOPHIA
Why do you have the same voice as my colleague Invisidude?

PLOONJER
Colleague, you say? We thought he was a stowaway. And I don’t just have his voice, I have his body and face, too.

CAM
Oh, that’s what ID looks like? Gotta be honest, not what I was picturing.

SOPHIA
Where is ID? Have you taken control of his body, or are you projecting his likeness?

PLOONJER
You can stop now, Steve. I get it, you’re committed to the bit. Let it go.

CAM
We’re not pranking you. What’s going on? Why do you look like our friend?

PLOONJER
Friend? Are you serious?

CAM
Very serious.

PLOONJER
Why would you befriend a static?

CAM
A static? Like electricity?

PLOONJER
No, static is what we call species that cannot change their form, like these vile earth creatures!

CAM
Why wouldn’t I be friends with other humans?

PLOONJER
Other humans? Have you been brainwashed during your time on their planet?

CAM
I’ve always been human. Or at least, looked human.

PLOONJER
You are Kromin, just as I am Kromin. You wear their likeness, just as I wear the likeness of your stowaway.

SOPHIA
ID wasn’t a stowaway, he’s a part of this team.

PLOONJER
If he is not a stowaway, then why was he cloaking his appearance?

SOPHIA
He’s a special human, one with unique abilities. He projects a field of invisibility around his body, and he can’t turn it off.

CAM
Sorry, did you say I’m an alien?

PLOONJER
Yes. You are Kromin. You are obviously the Kromin ambassador who was sent to Earth. Does this mean you failed your mission?

CAM
I never really knew if I was fully human or not, so I guess this answers that question. Are all Kromins shapeshifters?

PLOONJER
Yes, of course. A static Kromin would be an abomination. Do you not know who you are?

CAM
I arrived on Earth in a small ship as a child. I was raised by humans. What else was I supposed to think?

PLOONJER
Yes, that is how all of our ambassadors function. They grow and learn as one of the species, but once they start the colonization process, their Kromin self awakens and takes over.

SOPHIA
Wait, what’s the colonization process?

PLOONJER
Our ambassador should have felt a strong biological instinct to mate, however your species does so, and once they are gravid with a brood, they gain awareness and repeat the process, spreading throughout the population and using their knowledge of the human species to slowly replace all future generations. It’s why I thought you were here, to surrender on behalf of your planet. Most planets, once the Kromin presence is public knowledge, will surrender. If they have space-travel technology, that is. Those more primitive planets that cannot reach out to us just become breeding grounds.

CAM
So you’re saying I was sent to earth to wipe out the human race?

PLOONJER
Exactly. But something must’ve happened. How does this species reproduce? Do they lay eggs? Birth into a pouch?

SOPHIA
A biological human female will become impregnated by the sperm produced by a biological male. They will gestate a baby in their uteruses for roughly 9 months before giving birth vaginally.

PLOONJER
Are humans altricial or precocial?

CAM
What does that mean?

SOPHIA
For altricial, think about baby cats. They’re born helpless, and need their mothers to care for them. Precocial animals are like horses. Foals are able to walk around within a couple hours of being born.

CAM
So humans are altricial?

PLOONJER
Have you spent more time as a female of the species, or a male? It sounds like as a male, you would be able to spread your seed quickly and effectively. Humans take much longer to gestate and mature, but even considering that, you should’ve been awakened years ago, and replaced thousands of humans by now!

CAM
Sorry to disappoint you, but I’ve never gotten pregnant or impregnated anyone else.

PLOONJER
But what about your biological imperative? Don’t you feel an urge to reproduce?

CAM
Oh, yeah, I’ve BLEEPed more times than I can count.

PLOONJER
I do not understand. If you have sexually reproduced, why is your Kromin self still dormant?

CAM
I said I’ve banged, not that I’ve reproduced. Big difference.

PLOONJER
How so? I do not understand.

CAM
Humans have sex for many reasons other than making babies. I have sex because I like it. It feels good.

SOPHIA
Ploonjer, humans are one of several species on Earth that engage in sex for pleasure.

PLOONJER
For… pleasure? I do not understand. Are you saying that humans copulate as a form of recreation?

CAM
Yup. Is that not common?

PLOONJER
No. No, it is not. I still don’t understand how you’ve been mating with the humans without producing offspring. Infertility is not something a Kromin has ever experienced at your young age. After several centuries, perhaps, but when that occurs, the elders are normally culled.

CAM
Centuries? I’ll be alive for centuries?

PLOONJER
Measured in Earth years, I am 463.

CAM
Oh. BLEEP.

PLOONJER
Please, answer my question. Why have you failed your mission?

CAM
Why don’t I have any babies? That’s easy. Birth control. Condoms.

PLOONJER
How do you control births?

SOPHIA
Humans often use contraception when they wish to engage in sexual activity without a risk of pregnancy.

CAM
Well, not everyone, but I certainly do. No glove, no love!

PLOONJER
You reproduce while wearing gloves?

CAM
No, it’s an expression…

PLOONJER
Do you still feel the Kromin urge? That imperative to reproduce? It’s what drives us.

CAM
Yeah, love BLEEPing.

PLOONJER
(sigh) I think we have vastly underestimated Earthlings. Tell me, if humans can prevent themselves from reproducing, what do you eat for nourishment?

CAM
Excuse me?

PLOONJER
Kromins, in our natural form, feast on the excess spawn created during the colonization process.

CAM
Are you saying… you eat babies?

PLOONJER
You will too, once you are awakened and can access your true form.

CAM
Baby-eating alien is my true form? What the BLEEP.

PLOONJER
You will look like this.

SOUND: SKIN-SHIFTING SOUNDS

CAM
(yelp)

SOPHIA
That is not what I was expecting.

SOUND: SKIN-SHIFTING SOUNDS

PLOONJER
I will wear this face again, if that is what you wish.

CAM
Yes, please!

PLOONJER
There is much you don’t know about who you truly are.

CAM
I don’t think I BLEEPing want to know anything else.

SOPHIA
The body you have shifted into, our friend, Invisidude. Where is he?

PLOONJER
As I have already said, we assumed he was a stowaway. He was thrown into a cell and we began the interrogation process.

SOPHIA
Is he alive?

PLOONJER
Yes, he is. He remains mostly intact. You humans bleed a lot, so I took a break from interrogating him to come and meet with you.

CAM
Oh, god. Coming here was a mistake.
 
SOPHIA
By interrogating, do you mean torture?

PLOONJER
I can understand your language when I wear the shape of one of your species, but I believe that the Kromin words for interrogation and torture are one in the same. I apologize for the confusion.

SOPHIA
How were you able to find him in the first place?

PLOONJER
We can see more than what your human eyes can perceive.

CAM
But I can’t see him. Shouldn’t I be able to see him?

PLOONJER
Until you’ve awakened your Kromin self, your form is limited to the species you were assigned.

CAM
Ohhh.

SOPHIA
Now that you know Invisidude is part of this envoy, you will release him back into our custody.

PLOONJER
Yes, yes. Fine. Would you like us to reattach the parts we’ve removed? Or would you prefer to do that yourselves?

CAM
BLEEP, I think I’m gonna be sick.

SOPHIA
Yes, please reattach everything you can. Can your technology repair tissue damage?

PLOONJER
Yes, yes, he’ll be back to normal. That’s actually part of our interrogation process. Once we’ve removed too much, we put it back together and start all over again.

SOPHIA
Thank you, Ploonjer. We appreciate it. Chameleon, how are you feeling? You look like you’re about to pass out.

CAM
Recall. I’m an evil baby eating alien. Why did I come on this mission?

PLOONJER
I must admit, I have the same question. Why did you come? What is your mission? Your cloaked companion barely gave us any information. He was very resilient. We managed to get the term “A-league” out of him, and “Smasher,” but that’s it. Are you here as reinforcements for Earth’s pathetic heroes?

SOPHIA
We are here on a fact-finding mission. A group of powered humans, the A-league, traveled to this galaxy months ago to provide aid to several planets that claimed to be fighting off an invasion from your people. We are merely here to learn what happened to them.

PLOONJER
So, you admit to being aligned with enemies of my people, and you think you can just stroll in here and ask questions without any repercussions?

SOPHIA
We have been truthful with you. As you can see, we come with no weapons. We mean you no harm.

PLOONJER
What if I were to say that your heroes are dead? What then? Would you still mean us no harm?

SOPHIA
It would depend on the nature of their deaths, I suppose. So… are they dead?

PLOONJER
I don’t need to answer you, earthling.

CAM
Please. Tell us if they’re alive.

PLOONJER
Are you positive?

CAM
Of course I am. Tell us!

PLOONJER
Uhh, as you wish, your highness.

CAM
What did you call me?

PLOONJER
You are royalty. Were you also not aware of this? No? Of course not. Only the offspring of our Supreme Sovereign are blessed with the glorious mission of colonizing other planets, which you would’ve already accomplished if humans weren’t a race of imbeciles.

SOPHIA
If Chameleon outranks you, does that mean you have to do what they say?

PLOONJER
Err…

CAM
Answer her!

PLOONJER
Ugh. Yes, I have to do what they say.

CAM
Interesting. Why didn’t you bow to me or something when you first got here?

PLOONJER
Bowing is a human behavior.

CAM
Ah. Still don’t know anything about Kromins.

PLOONJER
That is clear.

CAM
But, since you have to do what I say, tell me this: What sex am I? Am I male or female?

PLOONJER
What kind of question is that?

SOPHIA
Excuse me, I have a question. Is the A-league still alive?

CAM
I thought I was female, but when I learned to change my body, I could become male, even at the chromosomal and genetic level. I don’t really have a gender, though.

SOPHIA
I guess we’ve put a pin in the A-league survival issue?

CAM
Just one second, I need to know this. How does gender work for your people? I mean, our people?

PLOONJER
The human English word “gender” has no translation in our native tongue. We know the difference between sexes because of how we use other species to reproduce, but we ourselves are, as you would say on Earth, asexual. We don’t have sexes. We are all Kromin. Isn’t that enough?

CAM
Wow. Okay.

SOPHIA
How do you reproduce asexually if you use the gametes of species with different sexes to create your own offspring?

PLOONJER
None of your business, earthling swine!

CAM
Answer her. And don’t be a BLEEP!

PLOONJER
Damn it. For species that reproduce like humans, our own cells transform into your gametes. After an egg is fertilized, for example, our Kromin cells take over the cells in the zygote, and begin to replicate, creating an identical genetic copy.

CAM
Like a clone? Am I a clone?

PLOONJER
Yes. Have you ever taken a biology class? What do they teach young humans on earth?

CAM
Oh shut the BLEEP up. So, if we’re genetically identical, how am I royalty and you’re not?

PLOONJER
The Sovereign Supreme is the original. As a direct replica of them, you belong to a higher caste in Kromin Society. There are few of you, and many of me. I am separated 43 times over from the Sovereign Supreme.

SOPHIA
Ah, I see. It’s like six degrees of Kevin Bacon, but with royal succession.

CAM
So, Plunger, how are you in a position of power if you’re not royalty?

PLOONJER
Hard work, your highness. Not everything is based on genetics.

CAM
I feel like that’s full of BLEEP, but okay.

SOPHIA
Ask him about the A-league.

CAM
I was just about to! The A-league. What happened to them?

PLOONJER
There was a great battle. Their ship was destroyed, and many Kromin lives were lost. We have the survivors in captivity, right here in the Toylitt. They are in the same holding area as your invisible friend.

SOPHIA
Survivors? How many?

CAM
Who’s here?

PLOONJER
We have been regularly interrogating the one you know as Smasher. His transformative abilities are intriguing to us.

SOPHIA
(sigh of relief) Oh my goodness, Cam... he’s alive.

CAM
That’s great news. Plunger, who else is here? Is Captain Spangles with Smasher?


PLOONJER
I would appreciate it if you said my name properly. It’s Ploonjer, not plunger.

CAM
Just tell us.

PLOONJER
The one you called Gazelle may have been the fastest woman on earth, but in space, she was just... “meh.” She could not outrun one of our laser cannons. She was the first to die.

CAM
Oh, BLEEP. What about Captain Spangles?

PLOONJER
Amalgamation Man’s body armor was very strong, but his helmet didn’t protect him from the cold vacuum of space. He was sucked out of an airlock and was dead in moments.

CAM
Ploonjer. Please. Tell me about Spangles.

PLOONJER
Your Captain Spangles is dead.

CAM
(sharp intake of air)

SOPHIA
Cam…

CAM
How’d it happen?

SOPHIA
Cam, take deep breaths. Stay in the present. Think about our mission.

CAM
I need to know. How did he die?

PLOONJER
He created a distraction, allowing for his two companions to jettison in an escape pod. He must’ve triggered a self-destruction program, because the entire ship exploded. He killed himself, but also took out over a hundred of our brethren that had boarded the vessel. It was a horrible massacre. Luckily, we were able to intercept the escape pod. That’s how your Smasher found his way into my care.

SOPHIA
He died a hero, Cam. He saved my fa– He saved Smasher’s life.

CAM
Typical Spangles. He was never that bright. Of course he would do something selfless like sacrifice himself to save his friends. What a dufus. Who was with Smasher? You said there were two people in the pod. Who was the other survivor?

PLOONJER
You call her Danger Damsel.

CAM
That means…

SOPHIA
Bionic Brian didn’t make it either.

PLOONJER
No, I’m afraid a simple EMP took him out.

CAM
I don’t even know what to say.

SOPHIA
Sometimes, when people first started calling me a robot, I would imagine that Bionic Brian was my father. But that’s not possible because he does not have a penis or testicles.

CAM
Sophia, what do we do now?

SOPHIA
Indon’t know. We need to bring the rest of the A-league home, but I don’t know how.

CAM
Wait a minute. Ploonjer, what happens if you disobey me?

PLOONJER
The Sovereign Supreme would eat me.

CAM
Is that something you would like?

PLOONJER
No, your highness. It would be a great dishonor.

SOPHIA
Chameleon, ask him to release our friends and let us go.

CAM
There’s no way it could be that easy.

SOPHIA
Try it.

CAM
Okay. Ploonjer, I command you to heal Invisidude, Smasher, and Danger Damsel, and to release them into our custody.

PLOONJER
Your highness, you must be joking.

CAM
And I also command you to let us return home safely and convince the Kromin Empire to never send another royal ambassador to earth.

SOPHIA
You should probably make that more general, like no other Kromins ever.

CAM
Oh, yeah. Not just ambassadors. No Kromin ever comes to earth. Is that clear?

PLOONJER
As clear as my nasal discharge after feasting on infants, your highness.

CAM
What?

PLOONJER
Trust me, it’s very clear.

CAM
I’ll take your word for it. How can I be sure you’re not messing with me?

PLOONJER
To lie or deceive you would be a death sentence to me and every single one of my kin who reside here in the Toylitt. I don’t wish to do what you ask, but I must do it.

CAM
Is this what it’s like to be a celebrity?

SOPHIA
There are fewer paparazzi in space.

CAM
Thank you, Ploonjer. What now?

PLOONJER
You must return to your ship and prepare for departure. I will make sure that your companions are brought to you as soon as their bodies are completely whole. It should take an earth hour.

CAM
Wow, that’s some good BLEEPing tech.

PLOONJER
Is there anything you need, your highness?

CAM
Not that I can think of.

SOPHIA
Let us go and prepare, Chameleon.

CAM
Wait, one more thing. Ploonjer, if I never reproduce, will I always be limited to my human shape?

PLOONJER
I’m... not sure. This is the first time it’s ever happened in the history of our race. Prolonging your awakening will most likely end in a premature death. If you maintain a human’s physiology, I predict that you’ll live a human life span. But, like I said, this has never happened before.

CAM
I- Thanks.

SOPHIA
Chameleon, are you okay?

CAM
I guess I’ll have to be. Alright. Let’s go.

PLOONJER
Fare thee well, your highness. And begone, human cockroach.

SOPHIA
I appreciate your reluctant assistance, toilet plunger. Good day to you.

CAM
Get BLEEPed.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SWOOSHING CLOSE

PLOONJER
Great. My first week on the job, and the first ever unawakened royal ambassador decides to pop by for a visit. BLEEP my life.

SOUND: COMMUNICATION DEVICE BEEPING

PLOONJER
Warden, this is your Ploonjer speaking. Prepare the three earth captives to be released. Return their bodies to their original state, except for Danger Damsel. Heal her injuries, but make sure she remains pregnant.

WARDEN
Yes, Ploonjer. Right away, Ploonjer.

SOUND: COMMUNICATION DEVICE BEEPING

PLOONJER
You want to use “contraception?” Fine. The Kromin race will spring forth from the loins of Danger Damsel, and in several human generations, the earth will be ripe for the picking! (evil laugh) It’s good to be me.

SOUND: FADE IN MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Chameleon is voiced by Allana Langen, Invisidude is voiced by Nick B, Ploonjer is voiced by Nick B, and Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime. All the producing, writing, all that other stuff, was done by Mat Johnson. Also, thanks to Allana Langen for some judicious edits. Thanks for listening!

SOUND: MUSIC