19 - Blue Moon

INTRO MUSIC

BLUE
Hey, mooners! It’s your guy Blue here, and this is a super special episode. My loyal subscribers, all my blue mooners, you’ve been asking for a lot, and today, I’m feeling really generous, so you’re getting a little bit of everything!  You wanted another Q&A? You got it! You wanted some behind the scenes vlog stuff? You got it! You wanted to see my anus without pixelation? You got it!  Speaking of my anus, that brings me to my first big announcement. Drumroll, please!

SOUND: DRUMROLL

BLUE
Due to herogram shutting down my account – uhhhgain – and herotube taking away a majority of my ad revenue, I decided to start my very own… wait for it…  Herofans account! That’s right! All Blue Moon, all the time. I know what you’re thinking, Blue’s finally doing porn? I wish! You guys know I can only last five minutes, tops. No one wants to watch that! But, I’ve joined my voyeuristic powered brothers and sisters around the world on Herofans to give you unfettered access to my life, my inner-most thoughts, and, of course, my money-maker, my magnificent glowing ass! What does unfettered access even mean? Can access be fettered? Let me do a quick search. Okay, so, this says that the definition of “fettered” is “restrained with chains or manacles, typically around the ankles.” Damn! That’s kinky! Maybe the Herofans audience WILL want fettered access, if you know what I mean. Maybe I could collab with that famous powered pornstar Dick CHAIN-y. You know, that guy with the huge wang that can control chains with his mind? Or maybe the former baker turned dominatrix, Cruel Whip? She’ll bake you a pie, shove your face in it, and whip you with her prehensile ponytail!  Okay, now I’m hungry.

SOUND: WHIP EFFECT

BLUE
That brings me to the Q&A portion of our video today. I picked out 4 questions at random from the hundreds you submitted and the first one is super easy. Maggie55 asks “Hey Blue, what’s your favorite food?” Well, that’s simple. Bacon! I mean, who doesn’t love bacon? What’s that? A ton of people in the world don’t eat pig products for religious reasons? Okay, that was insensitive of me. Let me rephrase. I personally love bacon. Just me. I don’t care if you love bacon or not. But, if you have a great recipe involving bacon, feel free to slide that sweet, salty goodness into my DMs!

SOUND: BACON SIZZLING SOUND EFFECT, WOMAN’S VOICE MOANING

BLUE
Question number two! This is from BM FANGIRL. Okay, fangirl, how many times do I have to say, please call me Blue, or Moon, or Blue Moon. Abbreviating it as BM makes us all look bad. Okay, so you asked “How old were you when you realized you had powers?” Well, I’ve never told you this before, but I’ve always had ‘em. I know that most powered peeps manifest their abilities after puberty sometime, but my perky little posterior has been able to glow since I was in my mother’s slimy BLEEP. No offense, Mom. Love you! Also, Mom, if you’re watching, please don’t join my Herofans. There are lines that I’ll be crossing that you will not want to know about. Trust me.  Anyway, yeah, a week before I was born, my dad noticed a dim blue light flickering from inside of mom’s pregnant belly. When I finally came out, all the doctors and nurses wanted to do was touch my butt. I think. I don’t remember, obviously, that’s my guess. It’s a very touchable butt.  Okay, next question!  This comes from Moonpie872: “Hey Blue, big fan here. I know you probably won’t tell us, but what’s your real name?” Well, moonpie, it’s your lucky day, because I’m ready to finally tell you all that my name is… 

SOUND: DRUMROLL

BLUE
Blue!  It’s always been Blue. Ever since my parents saw the faint glow of my cerulean bottom through mom’s stretched out tummy skin, they wanted to call me Blue. The first name they’d picked out ended up becoming my middle name. Which is still a secret. Muahaha! Okay, just kidding, it’s Spruce. Yes, my full name is Blue Spruce McCoy. My dad runs a tree farm, as my loyal OG mooners will already know, so I was always going to be named after a tree. Hey, it’s unique! And who doesn’t like a blue spruce? I personally think they make the best Christmas trees. If you celebrate Christmas. I don’t care. You do you!  But seriously, this November and December, come get your trees from McCoy tree farm! You won’t regret it!

SOUND: SLEIGH BELLS

BLUE
Or, hey, maybe even start in October! I know some crazy people get into the holiday spirit before Halloween. Is nothing sacred?! Also, do those people use artificial trees? Trying to get a real tree to last that long without dying would be pretty remarkable. I don’t know. I put a link to a poll in the video description, so check it out and tell me, if you celebrate christmas, when do you put your tree up? And there are options for fake or real ones. I’ll reveal the answer in next week’s video!  Okay, last question before we take a deep, dark dive into some behind the scenes drama: This comes from BlueMyLoad69. Wow, what a gross name. They ask, “Blue, you haven’t done a girlfriend or boyfriend challenge in a while. What gives? Have you stopped dating?”  Huh. Well, BlueMyLoad69, I’m gonna be honest with you. Being an internet personality actually makes my dating really hard, so I’m super single right now. You would think being bi would make it easier, right? More fish in the sea to choose from, and all that. Really, though, I think it just makes me even pickier!  Good questions, everyone. Keep ‘em coming!  Okay, so now we get to the meat and potatoes of what I wanted to show you this week. We have a blast from the past, and you’ll never guess who. It’s Pitch! Newly appointed B-league superhero goddess. Remember a couple years ago when I was dared to be a henchman for a day? She put the kick in sidekick when she roundhoused me into a pile of garbage. Luckily, my luminous cornflower fanny was able to charm her enough to let me escape before the police showed up. Who knows what would’ve happened to my phosphorescent hindquarters in prison! Nothing good, I assure you. I mean, yeah, I actually didn’t commit a crime, I just followed behind some henchmen with my camera until they came across Pitch, but still, I wouldn’t have wanted to explain what I was doing there.  Okay, so earlier this week, I saw a posting for sidekick auditions for none other than my screamy former angel of mercy, Pitch, and I had to go see her. Here’s what happened! Audition time!

TAMMY
Hey, what’re you doing with your phone? Are you recording this?

BLUE
Oh yeah, yeah, it’s for my fans. Is that okay?

TAMMY
I mean, based on that alone, I can tell this isn’t going to go in your favor, so if you want to broadcast your failure, go right ahead.

BLUE
Cool, thanks!  I’m Blue. Blue Moon. Do you remember me?

TAMMY
How can I forget? It’s not every day that you come across a guy wearing assless chaps in a dark alleyway. I mean, that alone was pretty memorable, but the whole lightning bug butt thing stuck in my head too. What makes you think I would ever consider hiring a henchie as my sidekick?

BLUE
I was never really a henchman, I was just pretending to be one for a video. It was for a dare.

TAMMY
Is this a dare, too?

BLUE
Nope, this is all me.

TAMMY
Hmm. Okay, I’m curious. Let’s start with your powers. Are you wearing assless chaps again? Or are they just called chaps? Are all chaps assless?

BLUE
I have no clue. But no, I’ve switched to wearing clothes with a butt flap for easy accessibility.

TAMMY
What do you mean, a butt flap, like–  Oh, god. Are you wearing an adult onesie?

BLUE
Hey, it’s not a onesie. It’s a romper with a specially tailored removable butt-flap. It’s velcro.

SOUND: VELCRO RIPPING OFF

TAMMY
Oh. Um. Wow. Yeah, I definitely haven’t forgotten that sight.

BLUE
I can tell you have questions. Shoot.

TAMMY
I remember it glowing. Why isn’t it glowing?

BLUE
I can turn it on and off. But it’s always blue.

TAMMY
I can see that. I can’t believe I’m asking this, but–  does your blue butt do anything other than produce light? Like, does the light generate heat or radiation?

BLUE
Let me show you.

SOUND: SOFT HYPNOTIC WAVE EFFECT

BLUE
The light has a minor hypnotic effect. It draws attention and distracts people.

TAMMY
Wouldn’t a glowing blue ass do that anyway?

BLUE
Good point. But you can’t look away, can you?

TAMMY
I– no, I can’t. But I also don’t want to. It’s so fucking weird.

BLUE
Now that I have your attention, tell me this: Will you take me seriously as an applicant?

TAMMY
No. You’re– you’re a joke.

SOUND: HYPNOTIC WAVES STOP

BLUE
That’s what I thought.

TAMMY
Hey! Did you just… force me to say that?

BLUE
Not force, exactly, but I can usually get people to be honest when they’re under the influence of my power, or I can open them up to the power of suggestion.

TAMMY
Is that why I let you go when I caught you with those henchies?

BLUE
Yes indeedily!

TAMMY
Hm. How many people will see this video? How many followers do you have?

BLUE
I had over 600 thousand followers on herogram before they shut my account down due to the inappropriate content.

TAMMY
Did you try to post pictures of your bare ass all the time?

BLUE
Well, yeah, duh. It’s kinda my thing.

TAMMY
Did you hypnotize all those people into liking you?

BLUE
What? No! It only works in person, like most powers.

TAMMY
Then why do so many people care about you?

BLUE
Pitch is savage, mooners, did you hear that? I don’t know why they follow me, I’m just happy they do. I’m nothing without my fans! I’m not afraid to bare my soul. And my buns. What is it? I can tell you have another question.

TAMMY
Could you cover that thing up? Or turn so you’re facing me straight on? It’s still distracting even when it’s not lit up.

BLUE
Oh, yeah, whoops.

TAMMY
You’re right, though, I do have a question.

BLUE
Lay it on me.

TAMMY
Do you… shave it? Wax it? I guess I was expecting hair, but it’s so smooth. And I’m not trying to objectify you, I’m just curious.

BLUE
Laser hair removal. I thought the hair in the anus region would hurt so much worse than it actually did. I suggest it.

TAMMY
The word anus just rolls off your tongue, doesn’t it? I did not need such a detailed response, but thank you for answering, I guess.

BLUE
That’s a great reminder about one of my amazing sponsors!

BLUE
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TAMMY
Ya done?

BLUE
Yup!  So. What are you looking for in a sidekick?

TAMMY
This isn’t like a job interview, this is an audition.

BLUE
Which means what, exactly?

TAMMY
Is this your first sidekick audition?

BLUE
Yeah, I started my herotube channel in high school, and I haven’t done anything else since.

TAMMY
A sidekick audition is kind of like an interview, but more one-sided. I ask you to jump, you jump. Get it?

BLUE
So it’s less of a conversation, and more like an interrogation?

TAMMY
Well, when you put it that way, it sounds pretty lame.

BLUE
To me, if I wanted to find a partner, I would try to get to know them on a deeper level, to understand what makes them tick. I could care less about how strong their powers are, or how they are at hand-to-hand combat.

TAMMY
Have you ever been in a fight before?

BLUE
You kicked me into a trash heap. Does that count?

TAMMY
No.

BLUE
Then no, I haven’t. My fans keep asking me to do a celebrity boxing match for charity or whatever, but I’m a lover, not a fighter. I honestly do whatever it takes to avoid conflict, and that usually means taking off my pants.

TAMMY
To de-escalate a situation by using your powers?

BLUE
Um, yeah, that too.

TAMMY
Hmm.  Why did you come here today?

BLUE
To see you. You’re kinda awesome.

TAMMY
Uh, thanks, I guess.  So you don’t actually want to be a sidekick, right? This is just a big waste of my time?

BLUE
I never thought about it. But, I don’t like to fight, so probably not.

TAMMY
I like to fight enough for two people. I don’t know if I need a sidekick to fight alongside me, or someone to help get me out of trouble. Even if you’re pranking me right now, you’re the best option I’ve seen so far. Seriously.

BLUE
You’re, uhh, kidding, right? I could never do what you do!

TAMMY
Are you sure? Have you ever tried?

BLUE
Uh, this is– this is getting too real. I should go.

TAMMY
Too real? You record your life to share with hundreds of thousands of strangers, but this scares you? I could never put myself out there like that.

BLUE
I think this was a mistake.  Well, Pitch, it was really nice to spend a few minutes with you. I won’t take up any more of your time.

TAMMY
Okay, okay. Fine. Hey, Blue, I’m glad you weren’t really a henchie. You’re a twink with the butt of a firefly, but you’re actually not that bad. Don’t change, kid.

BLUE
I love Firefly! It’s a great tv show.

TAMMY
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Hold up. How does a gen-Z kid know about Firefly?

BLUE
Oh, my parents watched it when I was a little kid. I grew up with it. I wonder if you’re the same age as my mom?

TAMMY
You little BLEEP. I take back what I said. You’re the worst. Get the BLEEP out!

BLUE
Sorry. Bye!

TAMMY
Hey, close your butt flap!

BLUE
Okay, mooners, so as you see, I gave up a potential career as a sidekick for Pitch, the badass banshee queen, so I can keep making content for all of you out there!  Okay, so I want your suggestions for my next big adventure. I’ve tried to be a henchman, I learned how to play cricket, I had an oddly homoerotic ghost moment with that sexy Scandinavian pottery instructor, I got my black belt in karate, I went spelunking, I started up a saltwater fish tank, I auditioned to be a sidekick, and... now what? What do you want to see me try next? I do it for you guys, all you mooners out there.  You all make me so happy, I’m the furthest thing from being blue. Unless you count my name. Or my glorious twinkling hiney. Either way, I love you all!  If you wanna see more content like this, let me know in the comments section below. If this is your first time meeting me, and you don’t hate me, please like and subscribe! There’s more great stuff on the way, I promise. If you want even more of me, make sure to subscribe to my brand spanking new Herofans. And I mean that literally. Want to see my succulent blue tushy get spanked? You can see it for only a small fee... on Herofans.

SOUND: CASH REGISTER CHA-CHING

BLUE
I’ll still be making videos for Herotube, but probably not as many as before. Speaking of, next week I’ll be visiting a park where the local birds eat from your hands. As my grandpa used to say, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush! Huh, what does that even mean? Is that about sex? Oh god, was the bird his BLEEP? Was my grandma the bush? I need to go barf now. Bye, mooners! Till next time!

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Blue Moon is voiced by Adam Donnelly and Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson. Thanks for listening!