Episode 13 - Elijah

FOURTH WALL
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Pitch and Recall have received promotions, and Ren finally settled on a new alias, Lullaby! Recall is bringing Lullaby to outer space with her to find her father, Smasher, and Max and Invisidude are finally meeting to talk about their feelings. Is this a date? Find out for yourself. Let’s begin!

MAX
Episode 13, Elijah.

SFX: OPEN DOOR

MAX
Hi, are you... here?

ID
Yeah. I’m here.

MAX
Come on in. I guess I don’t need to show you where anything is, considering you’ve been here a lot. Can I close the door now? Are you inside?

ID
I’m in.

MAX
Okay.

SFX: CLOSE DOOR

MAX
Sorry if I’m being weird. I don’t really know invisible etiquette.

ID
That’s okay, you’re always a little weird.

MAX
Uh, ok.

ID
No, I mean, in a good way. I like that you’re awkward. It’s endearing.

MAX
Hey, I’m weird and awkward? Wow, now I just have to be a little creepy, and I’ll be that unwanted uncle that shows up to everyone’s family barbecues. And I know that from experience, our uncle is super creepy.

ID
Don’t take anything I say seriously.

MAX
Do you like to joke a lot?

ID
I guess? The few people that know me take most things I say with a grain of salt.

MAX
Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. Are you sitting down?

ID
Yeah, I’m on the couch. Please, sit down, you’re making me nervous.

MAX
Okay.

ID
Oh!

MAX
Oh my god, I am so sorry, I thought you were on the other side. I’ll scootch over, sorry, sorry.

ID
Don’t apologize. Believe me, that wouldn’t be the first time someone’s accidentally sat on me.

MAX
Seriously? That must be annoying.

ID
You have no idea. When my powers kicked in, my mom put a little bell on me so she knew where I was.

MAX
Like a cat collar!

ID
Exactly! I took it off when I wanted my privacy, but it helped a little.

MAX
So when you were young you were visible, and then you turned invisible, and that’s it? You can never turn back?

ID
Nope, it’s a passive power. I can’t control it at all.

MAX
Wow. How did your family take it?

ID
I’m a legacy, so it was fine. My mom and dad were superpowered spies back in the day. Some of the best. They retired from that business before they had me. After they decided to start a family, risking their lives seemed less... appealing.

MAX
Really? That’s so cool. What can your parents do?

ID
My dad was Gaslighter, and my mom was Umbra. Dad can emit a field of silence, so not generating any sound was really useful for covert operations. It was also great when I would throw tantrums as a kid. Mom can turn invisible at will, but she still casts a shadow when she does it, unlike me.

MAX
I know some powers are genetic – I mean, look at Sophia – and most of the legacies I’ve met have a power similar to one of their parents, but it’s odd that you can’t turn back.

ID
I emit a field, like my dad, but instead of silence, it’s invisibility, like my mom.

MAX
Huh. Can you make other things invisible?

ID
Yeah, I can. To an extent. Why do you look so sad?

MAX
I’m not sad. I’m jealous.

ID
Jealous? Of what?

MAX
Your power seems so much more useful than mine. Also, like, everyone’s heard of you, even though you’re only a sidekick, and no one’s even seen you. Everyone’s seen me, and they have no idea who I am. You think they’d remember someone who wears fake little antlers on their head.

ID
Max, you don’t normally have an ego.

MAX
How do you– Oh, right. I keep forgetting that you’ve known me for months. It does feel a little unfair, to be honest. You know everything about me, and I barely know anything about you. It kinda sucks.

ID
That’s why I’m here. Now that you’re safe, everything’s different. We can... talk.

MAX
Yeah, but we can’t fix what’s broken.

ID
What do you mean?

MAX
How would you feel if you had a crush on someone, and they knew it, but you didn’t know that they knew it. I’m not explaining this right. If I’d known you were here, listening the entire time, I would’ve never said any of the stuff that I said.

ID
Oh, so we’re talking about this already.

MAX
I guess we are?

ID
Max. If you’d known I was here at the meetings, would you have told me that you thought we had a connection the first time we met?

MAX
Probably not…

ID
And if you knew I was here, would you have been yourself? Like, truly yourself?

MAX
I probably would’ve been a little more self-conscious.

ID
Exactly. I got to know the group the same way you did, it just wasn’t reciprocated, except when I met Tammy. I feel like I’m one of you. I look forward to Second Fiddles every week. I know it was for work, and I shouldn’t have caught feelings, but I did. I really care about you. All of you.

MAX
So what you’re saying is that you’re a terrible spy?

ID
Well I wouldn’t go that far. I’m just happy to be outed.

MAX
Interesting choice of words, there, Invisidude…

ID
Call me Elijah. I hate Invisidude. And don’t dance around it, just ask me. That’s why I’m here. Open book. Ask me anything. It’s only fair, considering.

MAX
Okay, Elijah, are you… gay?

ID
Gay? Yeah. I mean, I think so. No, I definitely am.

MAX
Okay?

ID
Sorry. Yes. I’m attracted to men. I haven’t, uhh, acted on it yet, but yeah, I’m sure I’m gay. Boobs gross me out.

MAX
That’s what I always say! They’re like fatty chest pillows! I know, I know, the whole breastfeeding nourishing babies thing is kind of important, but otherwise, I feel like they make things harder. I mean, how do they run with those things?

ID
Tammy’s not here, is she? I feel like she would slap you for saying that.

MAX
No, she’s out with Sophia for a girl’s night. They’re trying the whole female bonding thing. They keep talking about a Bechdel test. I don’t BLEEPing know. Tammy’s not usually great with other girls, but I’m proud of her for making an effort.

ID
What about Ren?

MAX
She’s not old enough to drink, remember?

ID
A-ha. Let’s hope alcohol doesn’t trigger Sophia’s new powers.

MAX
And don’t forget Tam’s hiccups. Between the two of them, they could level a bar in less than a minute.

ID
I’ve never had a drink at a bar before. I’ve been in one, but that’s it.

MAX
It sounds like there’s a lot you haven’t done. Is that an invisibility thing?

ID
Kind of. I still live with my parents, and that helps a little.

MAX
Helps with what? Sorry if I’m being a little dense, but I don’t really get why you’re so sheltered.

ID
Well, it would work better if my dad and I saw eye to eye.

MAX
Why, is he against the gay thing?

ID
No. Sorry, that was a joke. A really bad invisibility joke. We don’t see eye to eye because… he can’t see my eyes. Oh god, that was awful.

MAX
Okay, if that’s an example of why no one takes you seriously, I get it. You’re full of dad jokes.

ID
Uh, anyway, I should probably explain how my power works. But no one knows this other than my family, my old boss, and my new boss, Fourth Wall.

MAX
Oooh, not even my sister?

ID
Nope, not even Tammy.

MAX
Okay. I’m all ears.

ID
My invisibility field affects whatever I’m touching, but it’s not an exact science.

MAX
So why isn’t this couch invisible?

ID
Because I’m wearing clothes. Long pants, long sleeves, and gloves. It sucks during the summer. The costume I wear out of the house covers my face and neck, too. Everything but my eyes.

MAX
So you make your clothes invisible, but not whatever they’re touching?

ID
Yeah, it’s really limited. Okay, so I’m taking off one of my gloves now, and I’m going to touch the coffee table. Ready?

MAX
Uh, yeah, I guess. Whoa! It’s gone! It’s like, totally gone. I was expecting a sound effect or something. Like a whoosh.

ID
Nope. Silent, like my dad. See what I mean, though?

MAX
Okay, so I can’t see any of the coasters or the remote controls that are on it, but shouldn’t they look like they’re floating in the air? Because you’re not touching them?

ID
Like I said, it’s not an exact science. I’m wearing socks, but you can’t see my shoes, even though my feet aren’t touching them. It’s partly a proximity thing, partly a touch thing. I’m not good at explaining this.

MAX
So why does this mean you have to live with your parents?

ID
I can’t do a whole lot out in the public eye. I can’t get groceries, because seeing a random unattended shopping cart moving around the store would freak people out. Same for shopping anywhere. If I want new clothes, I go with my mom. She brings them into the changing room and just stands there as I try them on. It’s embarrassing.

MAX
What exactly is the point of buying new clothes if no one can see them?

ID
They’re mostly athleisure, I’m not gonna lie. But hey, even invisible people like to feel comfortable. I like not having to think before I get dressed. That’s like, the one perk of invisibility. No one can criticize a fashion choice or an acne breakout. I live in a judgement free zone.

MAX
That actually sounds really nice. Not the shopping thing, though. Wait, don’t you drive, though? How does that work?

ID
Um, my car is like one of the European ones, with the steering wheel on the right side, and where I would normally sit, there’s a realistic looking mannequin.

MAX
Seriously?

ID
Sometimes Ansel gets weird looks at traffic lights, but most people never notice.

MAX
Ansel?

ID
Oh, yeah, I gave my driver dummy a name.

MAX
Did you name him after the getaway driver from Baby Driver?

ID
Yeah. I didn’t want to call him Baby, that was creepy, and Ansel’s a good name, so I just– um, yeah.

MAX
Wow. Maybe I’m not the weird one here.

ID
I deserve that. Okay, what now? Remember, open book.

MAX
Is the coffee table invisible to you, too, because you’re touching it? Or can you see it?

ID
I can see it. It’s like, slightly transparent, and a little shimmery, but, yeah.

MAX
If you touch a mirror, can you see your reflection?

ID
Yeah, I can.

MAX
Oh. If you touch me, would I be able to see you?

ID
Um, yes, but it would make you invisible too.

MAX
Does it feel like anything? I mean, would I feel invisible?

ID
I only do this with my mom and dad, and they say it tingles a little bit. Like, when your foot falls asleep, but then gets prickly and warm as the feeling comes back? Like that. The warmth part, not really the prickly part.

MAX
Can you try? With me? I want to see what it feels like to be you.

ID
Turning invisible won’t change anything for you. I know you’d rather have different powers, but so do I. The grass is always greener, right? If you lost your powers, how would that affect your relationship with Eloise? You wouldn’t want to give any of that up.

MAX
I know. I just wish I could be more helpful, you know? I just feel so useless most of the time.

ID
Max, hold out your hand.

MAX
Does this mean...?

ID
Just promise not to freak out, okay?

MAX
Why would I- Holy BLEEP!

ID
You okay?

MAX
Elijah, I can see you! You’re a real person.

ID
Wow. Thanks.

MAX
No, I mean, I’ve always imagined what you looked like. How tall you are, what your hair looks like, that kind of stuff.

ID
Well, how do I compare to your fantasy of me?

MAX
You’re pretty tall, so I wasn’t that far off about your height.

ID
Okay, and?

MAX
Your hair is really short.

ID
Hey, a buzzcut is pretty much all my mom can handle. It’s that, or a bowl-cut.

MAX
Oh god, your mom cuts your hair? Okay, that’s actually really cute.

ID
I told you, being invisible isn’t what you think it is. Most of it sucks. Why are you staring at me?
Do I have something on my face?

MAX
No, I’m just afraid if I look away, you’ll disappear.

ID
Max. You can see me whenever you want. Well, not whenever. If we’re not in public, and you ask me.

MAX
I don’t think that’s gonna be good enough.

ID
Really? And why is that?

MAX
Now that I can see you, I don’t want to stop. Just hearing your voice will never be good enough. See, you’re blushing. I want to be able to see when I make you blush. And that smile… You only have one dimple, you know.

ID
Max, please.

MAX
Hey, why’d you let go?

ID
Sorry, I should’ve warned you.

MAX
I feel kinda cold now. Did I say something wrong?

ID
No, it’s just that I like you. A lot. I like that you like me. But the me that you like is a fantasy. You don’t know the real me.

MAX
Isn’t that what we’re doing now, getting to know each other?

ID
Max, you’re literally the first person other than my parents to see my face since I was 13.

MAX
Really? What about your friends?

ID
What friends? I was homeschooled. It was too risky otherwise. Not being able to turn my power off pretty much ended my social life. That’s why I haven’t, uh, tested my gay hypothesis yet.

MAX
Elijah, take my hand.

ID
Why?

MAX
Just do it. There you are. Thanks.

ID
Based on how my heart is beating like a hummingbird’s right now, I’m pretty sure I’m gay. Yup, totally gay.

MAX
Actually, if your heart was beating like a hummingbird’s, you’d be dead.

ID
You know animal stuff, so you would know better than me.

MAX
So, you like me. And I like you. So, if you’re interested, I’d like to start seeing you on a regular basis.

ID
Did you just try to make an invisibility joke?

MAX
I did. It was rough, wasn’t it?

ID
No, I liked it. Can we take it slow? I’ve never done this before. I feel like I’m gonna throw up, but I’m also really excited.

MAX
I could literally sit here and hold your hand and look at you forever.

ID
Oh, shut up. I know what I look like. My ears stick out, my nose is too big. I don’t look like Linus.

MAX
Well, thank god for that. In every possible scenario, in every daydream, you were nothing compared to what I see in front of me right now.

ID
Which is what?

MAX
Someone real. You were all in my head before. Now you’re real. And you’re here. And I can see you.

ID
You’re staring again. What are you thinking?

MAX
I’ve always wanted to be a little different my whole life, but not enough that I was, like, a total freak.

ID
I’ve heard you say this before. You said you wanted to be left handed, right? So you were different, but only a little bit. Well, I can tell you, I’m left handed, and it’s not great. We’re living in a righty’s world.

MAX
You heard that?

ID
Yeah, I’ve heard everything you’ve said. Maybe I get this because of my powers, but I don’t think you really want to be invisible. I think you want to be seen. Well, I see you, Max. And I like what I see.

MAX
It’s ironic.

ID
What is?

MAX
The first time I feel like someone sees the real me, I’m invisible.

ID
(laughs)

MAX
This is ridiculous.

ID
I like ridiculous. Ridiculous is good!

MAX
Okay. So. I want to ask you out on a proper date. How’s that gonna work?

ID
I have no idea.

MAX
Well, we could go to a drive-in?

ID
Or the normal movies. You’d only have to pay for one ticket. But, I think you’re too much of a goody two-shoes for that, aren’t you?

MAX
You know, Tammy used to have beef with a henchperson named Goody Two-Shoes. She has these stilettos made of metal spikes, and she uses them as weapons.

ID
Oh my god, no henchie talk, please.

MAX
Sorry, bad habit. I’m not sure what to talk about. I kinda ramble when I’m nervous, and this is the most nervous I’ve probably ever been, like, in my life, except a few times at the academy, and I’ve never been on a date with someone invisible, like, we can’t eat food in public, because yours will just disappear, and that’ll draw unwanted attention, not like me sitting there talking to myself won’t draw attention as it is, but–

ID
Your lips won’t flap around as much-

SOUND: KISSING

ID
-If they’re busy.

MAX
But–

SOUND: KISSING

ID
Feeling less nervous now?

MAX
Yes and no.

ID
You’re going to have to teach me how to do that better. I know I’m supposed to use my tongue somehow, but the logistics always confuse me.

MAX
I’m not really an expert. Wait, that was your–

ID
First kiss. And second kiss.

SOUND: KISSING

ID
And third kiss.

MAX
I’m hoping you’ll eventually stop counting those.

ID
I could be like the vampire from Sesame Street. One kiss, ah ah ah!

MAX
Oh my god, that was way cuter than it should’ve been.

ID
I could say the same about you.

MAX
I don’t know exactly what that means, but I’ll take it as a compliment.

ID
You should, you– What? You look worried.

MAX
Do you hear that? Something’s screaming, it sounds like– oh, god. Get down!

SFX: LASER SHOOTING THROUGH WINDOW, GLASS EXPLODING

MAX
Elijah, are you okay? I can’t see you anymore.

ID
Uh, I think so. I have some glass in my arm, I think, but it doesn’t look too bad. Did lasers just blow up your window? What’s going on?

MAX
It’s the Stag. He’s outside and he’s really hurt. I gotta go.

ID
I’m right behind you!

MAX
This is not good, this is really not good.

SFX: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

MAX
Stay still, please, don’t try to get up.

ID
Oh my god, he’s covered in burns.

MAX
He’s been shot, too.

SFX: The STAG GRUNTING

ID
What can I do? Should I call an ambulance? Or animal control?

MAX
He says no. No help.

ID
We can’t just leave him lying here on the sidewalk.

MAX
Just let me sit with him. There’s a lot he’s trying to tell me. I’m here, sir. Did Sally Mander do this to you? I knew it! I’ll find her, and I’ll make her pay.

ID
What’s he saying?

MAX
Sorry, I’ll translate.  He says not to get revenge for his death. Death? No way, don’t say that, you can regenerate, you’ll– you’ll be fine! What do you mean, your time is up? Sorry. He says he needs to pass on the gifts that were bestowed upon him by his saviors. What saviors? WHat? He– he says that aliens rescued him from his time. He’s an extinct kind of deer from the Pleistocene era? The aliens imbued him with sentience and his powers.

ID
What? Are you serious?

MAX
Yeah. Oh, and his name is?... Palmer. What? Palmer? Really?

SFX: THE STAG GRUNTING

MAX
Okay, fine, Palmer, I won’t judge. So, what can I do? You said you need to pass on your gifts? What does that mean? He says that the aliens placed him on earth, in this time, to act as a guardian.

ID
Guarding what, the earth?

MAX
Yeah.

ID
Against what?

MAX
A threat, I think. He’s not sure. Sir, is it the Kromins? The A-league went to deal with them, remember? He says the threat is much worse than the Kromin Empire, and I need to– What? No, that can’t be right. No!

ID
Umm, why is he glowing? And why are you glowing?

MAX
Please, no, this can’t be what they wanted–

ID
Max!

SFX: THE STAG GRUNTING

MAX
(screams)

SFX: EXPLOSION

ID
Max? Max, are you okay?

MAX
He’s… gone. The Stag is gone. Where did he go?

ID
Max. I think he’s… with you. Part of you.

MAX
What? No, that– No. What?

ID
Max, come here.

MAX
Where are you? I can’t see you.

ID
Hold out your hand.

MAX
Oh, hi. You’re bleeding!

ID
Yeah. It’s glass, remember? I’m okay, though.

MAX
Why is your face red?

ID
It’s not, Max. I mean, it is, but it’s from the light. The light that’s coming from you.

MAX
What are you talking about?

ID
Your eyes are glowing. Red, like the Stag’s. And you kind of have antlers now.

MAX
I always have antlers, they’re part of my costume. I’m Buck, right?

ID
You’re not wearing your costume.

MAX
I’m naked?

ID
No. Here, come sit down. I think you’re in shock.

MAX
What happened?

ID
Well, it looked like the Stag turned into a being of pure energy, and that energy kind of shot into your body. And now you have antlers. And your eyes are glowing.

MAX
Oh. Yeah, those feel like antlers. BLEEP!

ID
What? What’s wrong?

MAX
I’m a side sleeper!

ID
What?

MAX
I’m a side sleeper. I sleep on my side!

ID
Okay?

MAX
How can I sleep on a bed with antlers? Am I gonna have to sleep in a recliner like my grandfather? Oh god, they’re not tiny, either, they’re freakin huge!

ID
Max. Max, look at me. Max.

MAX
You’re saying my name a lot.

ID
Yeah, I am. You look like you’re gonna pass out. Can you stand? We need to go inside.

MAX
God, you’re beautiful.

ID
Max? Max?

MAX
Please, don’t stop holding my hand.

ID
And, you passed out. Great. Okay, okay, pick up, pick up… Hey, Tammy? Sorry for calling you, but you need to come home. Now. Yes, it’s Max. No, he’s okay. Well, actually, no, he’s not okay. No, I can’t explain over the phone. Just get here, please! Okay. I’ll see you soon. And you should know– Oh, you hung up. Don’t worry, Max, your sister will get here soon, and we’ll sort this all out. Why am I talking to you even though you’re unconscious? That’s a great question. You see, you’re not the only one who rambles when he gets anxious. Why am I anxious? Why, thank you for asking. Tonight, I kissed a boy for the first time. Then, a superhero died in front of us and that boy turned into a deer person.  Why are we still sitting outside? That’s another great question. Because, I can’t tell from looking at you if your antlers will fit through the stairwell to get upstairs, so we’re going to wait. And I’m not going to freak out. I’ll keep holding your hand so no one else can see you. I’ll keep holding your hand because you asked me to. And I’ll keep holding your hand because you said I was beautiful, even though you were probably delusional. And I’ll keep holding your hand, because, well, I want to.

MACGUFFIN
Hey, hey, hey, hold on, stop the music, we’re not done yet!

Why, hello, listener! That was the end of the last episode of the season. I know, it got weird, right? But don’t you fret! I, your narrator, know mostly everything that’s still to come! How, do you ask? Because it’s my super power! You’ve been assuming I was Fourth Wall this whole time, right? ‘Cause that’s what I told you? And because I’m breaking the proverbial fourth wall right at this moment? Well, those assumptions are very misleading, because you have been misled!  I am, in fact, NOT Fourth Wall. We share the same ability because we also shared a womb. And not in a weird fetishy way, but because we’re twins. Why is this relevant? Well, let me tell you my name, and maybe that will clear things up for you. I am MacGuffin. Yes, the criminal mastermind, MacGuffin. I’m the one with the scary daughter who burns people, and the prettyboy disappointment of a son, Linus. Do you think I liked narrating the stuff about his sex life? Not one bit! I mean, he takes after his father, I can assure you of that, but still, not cool! Why have I been interjecting myself into this podcast? No, not to drive the PLOT. The PLOT is my tank, and I don’t drive it often. For being a criminal mastermind, my plot driving skills are admittedly poor. I have been half-heartedly recapping the previous episodes for you for one specific reason. What? You think I’m going to tell you? I guess you’ll just have to wait until next season! I would say that I hope you’ve enjoyed listening to the first season of Second Fiddles, but I really don't care. It’s about young people with powers, whining about being sidekicks. I am not a fan! Oh, well. Muahaha! Sorry. That was a bad evil laugh. Let me try again. MUAHAHAHA! Yeah, that was better, but not great. I’ll practice before next season. Oh BLEEP, I have to go now, it sounds like my new hamster minion’s hungry. His name is Bubbles, and he’s the best kind of evil. Goodbye, suckas!

MAT JOHNSON
In this episode, the season 1 finale of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Invisidude is voiced by Nick B, and Fourth Wall, I mean, MacGuffin, is voiced by John Pupo.

So, this was season 1, and don’t worry, season 2 is already written and will be coming soon...ish. If you liked it, feel free to leave positive reviews, and leave me suggestions for new henchperson names and powers! There are never too many henchie references. If you didn’t like it, then I’m assuming you didn’t reach the last episode, so you’re not hearing this.

I really wanted to thank my voice actors who did this all for free. I have no words to express my gratitude, but here are three: You. Are. Awesome.

Alright, Fiddlers, which is what I’m calling my 7 fans and my mom. Thanks for listening! Until next time.