Episode 12 – Debriefing

FOURTH WALL
Previously, on Second Fiddles: A lot happened! I’m on the toilet right now, so let’s keep this short. Sally Mander returned to get vengeance on Max for helping the Stag put her away. Linus and Tammy love each other? It seems a bit premature, like the rushed relationships on the Bachelor, but let’s roll with it! Sophia hit her head and turned into a giant smashing monster person. Ren sang everyone to sleep. Uh, oh. I’m out of toilet paper. Let’s begin!

MAX
Episode 12, Debriefing.

MAX
I’m so happy to be here with all of you again, you have no idea.

TAMMY
Aww, did you think we would let MacGuffin and Sally hurt you? You need to have faith in your friends!

MAX
I never doubted you, I just wasn’t sure if you even knew I was missing in the first place.

TAMMY
Don’t worry, bro. Between the Stag, us, and Eloise, you’re covered.

MAX
Thank you. Seriously, everyone. Thank you.

TAMMY
We should thank Ren, here. Without her, who knows what would’ve happened.

REN
You don’t need to say that, I was always a contingency plan. We should thank Sophia. Without her smashing through that sound-proof forcefield, my powers might not’ve worked on Sally.

SOPHIA
I would also like to thank Ren. I was losing control, and her powers prevented me from doing something I would later regret.

TAMMY
This is way too much of a kumbaya moment for my liking. Yeah, Sophia, you were scary there for a minute, I’m not gonna lie. Do you have any updates on your… condition?

SOPHIA
Should I be waiting for anyone else? You said this would be a debriefing, so I did not want to leave anyone out.

TAMMY
No, ID is on an assignment, and Linus isn’t coming.

MAX
Linus would probably only be coming if it was a different kind of… debriefing. You know, like, his underwear?

TAMMY
Ew, Max. First, you hate him, now you’re making sexual jokes about us? Pick a lane.

MAX
He really did come through for us. He’s still a jerk, but he’s not on the top of my archnemesis list anymore.

REN
Is his sister on that list?

MAX
Uh, yeah, you could say that. I still can’t forget the look in Sally’s eyes when they were dragging her away to the Island again. By the way, Ren, I wanted to thank you for calling the police and tying Sally up while we were sleeping.

REN
I’m glad I could help. With MacGuffin’s resources, though, she’ll probably break out or be released again in a matter of days.

TAMMY
Well, if that happens, we’ll be ready.

SOPHIA
Not all of us.

MAX
Sophia? What do you mean?

SOPHIA
I will be leaving Rose City for a while.

REN
Does this have to do with your whole ”rawr, I’ll murder you” thing?

SOPHIA
No, not exactly. I have already filled in most of the blanks pertaining to my new abilities. I broke into Smasher’s living quarters and stole hair from his comb, and tested that against my own DNA. I am his daughter. He had been investigating the bombing site with me, so the hair I found was his, and he had removed his own DNA from our database, so there had been no match at the time.

TAMMY
Dang. I mean, that was fairly obvious when you turned into a giant silver lady Smasher, but at least you did your whole science-y research thing.

MAX
Do you have any idea why you were able to transform when you did? Was it your anger?

SOPHIA
My emotions did trigger the transformation, yes, but I was only able to do so because of my injury.

REN
When Sally tried to firebomb you?

SOPHIA
Yes. I hit my head, which damaged a surgically implanted neural inhibitor. I ran many tests, and it would seem that the inhibitor had prevented me from being able to transform in the past.

TAMMY
So you think you’ve always been able to do that, but a chip in your head blocked it?

SOPHIA
Not in as few words, but yes. I believe that the neural inhibitor is also what prevents me from remembering my past. I am not sure if my amnesia was intended, or if it was an unfortunate side effect.

REN
Are you starting to remember anything?

SOPHIA
I wish that was the case, but no, I am not. I still see images and people that seem familiar in my dreams, but that is it.

REN
I wonder if Lucid Lucy could do some dreamwalking for you, to see what she can find out.

SOPHIA
This is a possibility.

MAX
Sophia, who would put something in your head? Do you think it was Smasher?

SOPHIA
I am not sure. It is hard to believe that my own father would go to such lengths to suppress my abilities.

TAMMY
Yeah, but he’s obviously been lying to you this whole time. You can’t trust him.

MAX
Okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but what if he doesn’t know that you’re his daughter? What if your mother never told him she was pregnant, and she left town, or, ooo, what if–

REN
Clone! What if you’re a female clone?

TAMMY
I think we’re getting carried away.

SOPHIA
Actually, I did discover some irregularities in my DNA, but I do not know if they were caused by having a superpowered parent, or if I am, in fact, a clone. Or something clone-adjacent.

REN
It would be so cool if you were a clone! Maybe that would explain how you have two powers.

SOPHIA
I am not the only person to have two powers. It is rare, but not impossible. Perhaps my transformative power is hereditary, and my memory is my own unique ability.

MAX
Sophia, if there was ever a time for a father-daughter heart-to-heart, this is it. You need to talk to him.

SOPHIA
Thank you for the segue into discussing my upcoming departure from Rose City. I tried to reach out to Smasher, but he was unavailable. To make matters worse, no one else from the A-league has been heard from in over a week. Even in the midst of their intergalactic adventures, they had been sending back progress reports every day or so. It has now been eight days with no word.

TAMMY
What does that mean? Are they okay?

SOPHIA
I do not know, but it is my responsibility to find out the answer.

MAX
So, what, you have to spend time researching new ways to contact them?

SOPHIA
No, I am traveling to their last known location.

TAMMY
By yourself?

SOPHIA
No, I am being accompanied by another A-league sidekick, Chameleon, and I was granted permission to bring one additional team member.

REN
Is it anyone we know?

SOPHIA
Yes, Ren. It is you.

REN
Uhh... What now?

SOPHIA
In light of my new power upgrade, I was promoted to hero status, at least for the interim. However, considering the lack of control I have in my transformed state, I would like you there for a failsafe, in case I lose it again.

REN
Oh, great, I’m always the backup plan.

SOPHIA
Also, I really enjoy you as a person. If I am to be sent off into space for months, I would love to have your company.

REN
Can I… think about it? I don’t know if I can leave my family for that long.

TAMMY
Do it, kid. Max and I can check in on your family if you want.

MAX
Hey, if I had a chance to travel to another galaxy to try to save some of the top heroes in the universe, I would definitely do it. I wonder if my powers work with aliens? Or at least alien animals?

REN
You would really help my family? What if they need money?

TAMMY
We got you. Seriously. The universe needs you.

REN
I know I’m coming off as apprehensive, but I’m also freaking out inside, and I don’t know how to express myself. So, umm. Yes.

SOPHIA
Yes? Are you sure?

REN
Yes. Holy BLEEP. I’m going to outer space!

SOPHIA
I am delighted!

REN
Does that mean I can stop calling myself Snoozy Susie?

SOPHIA
Yes, you will no longer work for Lucid Lucy. As my sidekick, you can use whatever name you like best.

REN
Well, then, you can all start calling me... Lullaby! I’m working on a catchphrase, but it’s not quite there yet.

TAMMY
Um, if you knock people out, literally no one will ever hear your catchphrase. You’d be wasting your words on piles of sleeping bodies.

REN
Crap, I never thought of that. It doesn’t matter. Anyway, Lullaby feels good. Not too cutesy, not too aggressive. It’s the porridge that’s just right.

MAX
But didn’t you already try out Lullaby?

REN
Yeah, it was one of Lucy’s rejects. And I don’t care!

SOPHIA
Well, Lullaby, I will brief you on the details after we finish this debrief.

MAX
This is really less of a debrief, and more of a group conversation trying to tie up loose ends.

TAMMY
Speaking of loose ends, have you talked to ID since your time in the shipping container?

MAX
What does that have to do with loose ends?

SOPHIA
 I believe it was a derogatory reference to anal sex.

MAX
Loose ends? Ew, gross! No! I haven’t seen him.

REN
To be fair, you never see him.

MAX
You know what I mean. And no, I haven’t heard from him since we all woke up from Ren’s snoozefest.

TAMMY
Interesting.

MAX
Please don’t tease me about him again. It’s bad enough that I have a weird unjustifiable crush on an invisible guy, but now that I know that he knows about it? It’s a good thing I can’t see him, because if I did, I would probably melt into a puddle of shame.

TAMMY
So, you didn’t talk about anything, like, non-work related during your time stuck together?

MAX
You’re needling me. Why are you needling me?

TAMMY
Because it’s fun.

SOPHIA
Tammy, I do not know if you should be the one to tell Max about–

REN
Oh, come on, just rip off the bandaid! We all suck at secrets.

MAX
What secret? Oh god, is he here listening to this, too? We need to get him one of those cat collars with the jingling bells.

TAMMY
Hey, you could pick one up at Pet Universe with your employee discount.

MAX
Tammy.

TAMMY
He’s not here, I promise.

MAX
And?

TAMMY
Your slightly creepy crush appears to be… mutual.

MAX
What do you mean, mutual?

REN
How were you valedictorian of anything?

SOPHIA
Max. You are interested in Invisidude. Invisidude is interested in you. That makes the attraction mutual.

MAX
Umm, okay, but, so, he’s– He– What?

TAMMY
Oh come on, this is when you’re at a loss for words?

MAX
Is this... an assumption, or, like, public knowledge?

TAMMY
Public knowledge? More like, pubic knowledge!

MAX
Ew, too far, Tam, even for you.

SOPHIA
Max, he told us. I think he meant it.

TAMMY
I’m just surprised he didn’t tell you!

MAX
Well, I was in the middle of, you know, being kidnapped, so it didn’t really come up.

TAMMY
Oh, no, it probably came up, but you couldn’t see it.

MAX
Ugh, have you been hitting the box wine again? You’re extra raunchy tonight.

REN
She just misses Linus. They’re in looooooove.

TAMMY
Shut up, Karen.

REN
BLEEP. Shutting up now.

MAX
So, what do I do?

TAMMY
What do you mean, what do you do? You like each other. Do something about it.

MAX
I don’t even know what he looks like.

TAMMY
Are you afraid he’s an uggo?

REN
Well, if he’s invisible, I don’t think that would matter.

MAX
No, that’s not it. I- I don’t really know anything about him.

SFX: PHONE VIBRATION

MAX
Tammy, why did you just text me, we’re like 5 feet apart.

TAMMY
I sent you his number.

MAX
Oh. Why does it say Elijah?

TAMMY
Because that’s his name, stupid. He wasn’t born with that terrible alias. No offense, Ren.

REN
What’s that supposed to mean?

MAX
So, umm, thanks, I guess. Maybe I’ll text him to see how he’s doing after that whole Sally Mander thing…

TAMMY
You do whatever you wanna do. I facilitated it, so my role is now complete. If we’re done talking about Max, now, I also have news.

MAX
Oh god, you’re not pregnant are you?

TAMMY
Shut up, no, I’m not pregnant. Considering how many times we’ve discussed my condom purchases, that would be shocking. There was something else that Fourth Wall told me back when I met him and ID at the audition. He told me that I was never going to be a sidekick again.

SOPHIA
Does this mean that you are quitting?

REN
Or are you going solo, vigilante style?

MAX
I hope not. Vigilantes don’t make any money, and we still have a lot of bills to pay.

TAMMY
No, nothing like that. I–I’m finally going legit.

MAX
Uh, what?

TAMMY
Fourth Wall passed along some information to the B-league, about the behavior of one of their heroes, uh, Slap. She’d apparently been mistreating and, um, abusing her sidekicks, so she was kicked off the team. Which left an opening. For me!

MAX
Tampon. Are you serious? Don’t mess with me.

TAMMY
Maxipad, I’m as serious as a punch to the boob.

SOPHIA
I can vouch for her. I have experienced a boob punch, and it was quite serious.

MAX
Tammy, I don’t know what to say. I’m glad to hear Slap is being kicked to the curb.

TAMMY
Thanks, bro. Slap had it coming, but I was still surprised that she finally got “me too’d.”

MAX
Does this mean you’re moving out?

TAMMY
Oh, god no. But it does mean you can finally quit Pet Universe and stop worrying about my share of the rent!

MAX
I’ll take it.

REN
So, you’ll be working on the B-league alongside Lucid Lucy and the others?

TAMMY
I mean, yeah, if I have to. I still think she’s a psychotic BLEEP, but yes.

SOPHIA
Tammy, does this mean that you will have your own sidekick?

TAMMY
Oh. Wow. I never thought of that.

MAX
After the hundreds of auditions you’ve been on, you’ll finally be the one in control! That sounds pretty fun. I mean for you, not for the sidekicks.

TAMMY
I don’t know, it probably won’t be that– Hey, wait a minute. Why are you all smiling like a bunch of idiots? Does my discomfort amuse you?

REN
Sorry, I’m just thinking about going into outer space.

SOPHIA
I am thinking about finding my father.

MAX
And I’m thinking about what to text to Invisidude. I mean, Elijah.

TAMMY
Thank you for all being the worst sidekick support group ever. Thanks for focusing on my issues.

SOPHIA
Will I even be welcome anymore? Tammy and I are no longer going to be sidekicks.

TAMMY
Well, I live here, so I’m not going anywhere.

MAX
Sophia, when you and Ren get back to Earth, you’re always welcome here. Once a sidekick, always a sidekick.

TAMMY
No, Max, honey, that’s not how that works. There’s like a super clear distinction.

MAX
Hey, not always! What about duos and teams? They bypass the hero-sidekick dynamic and work together as equals! Like, uh, Wine and Cheese!

REN
Who’s that?

SOPHIA
Wine and Cheese were a superpowered duo in the 1970’s.

TAMMY
That’s a pretty dated reference, Max. Do you have any current or relevant examples?

MAX
I’ll think on it.

TAMMY
Duos don’t work because there’s always a power struggle. Our egos can get really big.

MAX
Is that why you like Linus so much? His huge… ego?

TAMMY
I please the fifth. Plead! Not please. I plead the fifth.

MAX
Well, that was a Freudian Slip if I’ve ever heard one.

TAMMY
You know, I ran into a henchie one time named Freudian Slip.

MAX
Oh, no.

SOPHIA
Was this henchperson able to force people to reveal information from their subconscious through accidental word substitutions?

TAMMY
Umm, no, he was a clumsy therapist.

SOPHIA
Oh. That is less exciting.


TAMMY
Yeah, that’s what I thought, too. He tried to psychoanalyze me while tripping and falling. It was pretty sad.

MAX
Speaking of sad, I’m trying to imagine you hosting your own auditions for sidekicks. You’re not gonna like anyone.

TAMMY
That’s not true. I like all of you, and you’re sidekicks.

SOPHIA
Correction, I am an interim hero now.

TAMMY
See what I mean about the ego thing?

SOPHIA
I do not have an inflated ego. I am proud of my accomplishments. There is a big difference.

TAMMY
Not as big as your ego.

REN
I didn’t know you were getting a promotion, Sophia, but I brought something for you, so I guess you can think of it as a congratulations gift.

SOPHIA
Why did you bring it for me, if you did not originally have a reason?

REN
Well, you mentioned you never knew when your birthday was, so you never celebrated it. I wanted to surprise you with a birthday present…

SOPHIA
Ren, I… I have no words. I do not really have a family to speak of, but… you are the sister I’ve always wanted. You’re so sweet. It means so much to me, thank you.

TAMMY
Holy BLEEPing BLEEP, did anyone else hear that? She used not one, but two contractions.

SOPHIA
Yes, that has happened occasionally since my transformation the other day. It’s odd. It is odd. I do not like it.

TAMMY
Well, I love it!

REN
Umm. Sophia. You can open it, you know. There’s something in the envelope.

SOPHIA
Oh, yes, sorry, I will open it now. (squeals)

MAX
Well? What did she get you?

SOPHIA
(squeals)

TAMMY
Did she just have her first orgasm?

MAX
What is it?

SOPHIA
It’s a gift card for build-a-bear!

TAMMY
Oh, brother.

REN
Just let me know when you want to go, and we can go together!

SOPHIA
I can pick a furry body husk, stuff it with filling and love, dress it up, and give it a name!

REN
Uh, yup. That’s how it works!

SOPHIA
The minute we return to the planet, we shall go. This will give me a reason to survive and come back!

REN
Uh, survive? How dangerous is this mission?

SOPHIA
It is partially fact-finding, partially diplomatic, and we also may be inserted into the middle of an intergalactic war with the Kromin Empire.

REN
Uh, maybe I need to think about this more.

MAX
Hey, just remember, you’re going to space!

REN
Oh, uh. Yay.

SFX: PHONE VIBRATION

MAX
Uh, oh. He just texted me back.

TAMMY
Who, ID?

MAX
Yeah. I’m afraid to read it.

TAMMY
What did you text him?

MAX
I asked if he wanted to meet up and talk about everything that happened.

TAMMY
Well, that was vague. What did he say?

MAX
He said, “Sure, when are you free?”

TAMMY
That’s not terrible!

SOPHIA
I am optimistic for you, Max.

REN
Yeah, go hit that.

TAMMY
Ew, Ren, respect your elders.

REN
Okay, boomer.

TAMMY
Oh, no you didn’t. I need more wine.

MAX
Maybe you shouldn’t have any more.

TAMMY
We have a lot to celebrate!

SFX: SONIC HICCUP

MAX
BLEEP, her sonic hiccups are back! Cover your ears!

SFX: SONIC HICCUP

SOPHIA
What should we do?

MAX
Get out!

TAMMY
No, don’t go, I can stop!

SOUND: SONIC HICCUP

REN
I have an idea.

MAX
Ren, get away from her, what are you doing?

SFX: SONIC HICCUP

TAMMY
Hey, don’t invade my personal space!

REN
Shh, shh, just listen…

TAMMY
What are you–

MAX
What just happened? Is she okay?

REN
Yep, she’s fine. I just put her to sleep.

MAX
How did you do that without putting all of us to sleep?

REN
I whispered into her ear and sang as softly as I could.

SOPHIA
Have you used your power like this before?

REN
No, I just... tried it. I wasn’t sure if she’d fall asleep, because whispering doesn’t use your vocal cords, and I wasn’t sure if you would be affected or not, but, hey! It worked!

SOPHIA
It is nice to see you growing more comfortable with your powers. During our space voyage, maybe we can test the limits of your abilities.

REN
Yeah, why not?

MAX
So, what do we do with my sister?

REN
Eh, just let her sleep it off.

SOPHIA
Will she miss out on the rest of our celebration?

MAX
She celebrates enough, she’ll be fine.

REN
Hey, even if she’s butthurt about it, you know what they say: You snooze, you lose! Hey, that’s a good catchphrase.

MAX
Okay, so I guess we’re doing catchphrases. Sophia, let’s tap another box of wine and… Let’s get Buckwild!

SOPHIA
I am glad I do not have a catchphrase.

MAX
Yeah, that’s probably for the best.


MAX
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Ren is voiced by Kristy Barkan, Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime, and Fourth Wall is voiced by John Pupo. Thanks for listening.