Episode 10 - Bucknapped

FOURTH WALL
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Lil’ Buck’s been Bucknapped! But, before that, Invisidude and Tammy came clean to the group about almost everything, including the fact that Linus’ father is none other than MacGuffin, the PLOT-driving evil mastermind. Speaking of the PLOT, Max was abducted by someone in the aptly named tank. Tammy has set out with the rest of the group to rescue her brother. What could go wrong? I’m guessing a lot. Let’s begin.

MAX
Episode 10, Bucknapped.

MAX
Ughh. Uhh, hello? Hello? If anyone’s listening, next time you plan on taking me hostage, you could just chloroform me, you didn’t have to electrocute me and hit me on the head. That was overkill. Hello? Seriously? You leave me alone in here? Shouldn’t there be a villain or henchperson here to divulge their plan as I stall for time as I plan an escape? Where am I? Let me guess: In an abandoned warehouse. Or maybe in a shipping container by the docks. Or in a secret chamber in a basement under some important buildings? You guys are so unoriginal. Based on the smell, it’s not a cabin in the woods, so it’s gotta be one of those other three. You could’ve at least left a light on. Hello? Uh, come on. Okay, so I’m tied up. That’s great. That makes sense.

SFX: SMALL CLAWS SCRATCHING METAL

MAX
Hey, hey, missus rat, I can feel you in the room. Could I convince you to help me? Okay, sorry, sorry, mister rat. It’s dark. I can’t see if you have balls or not, my bad. Okay, so my hands are bound behind me, it might be zip ties, but it could be wire, I can’t exactly tell. Whoever did it made it way too tight, and I can’t feel any of my fingers. So I’m gonna need you to go back there and chew through whatever it is. What do you mean, no? I promise, when I get out of here, I can bring you all the food you’ll ever need. No, I don’t have any food on me right now, but– Really? Okay, how am I a tease? I- No, I- Please, mister rat, you’re my only hope. What do you mean, that was a dumb reference? You’re a sewer rat, how would you have ever seen a movie? What? What microaggression? Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know that sewer rat was a derogatory term. No, no, don’t go, don’t go, please! I’ll do anything! Mister rat! Well, BLEEP.

SFX: DOOR LOUDLY OPENING

LINUS
Holy crap, why is this door so heavy?

SOUND: DOOR  SHUTTING

LINUS
Okay, I know there’s a light in here somewhere… Ah, that’s better, now what do we have here?

MAX
Linus? What the hell are you doing?

LINUS
Doolots? BLEEP! Sorry, Max. What are you doing here?

MAX
What?

LINUS
Are you okay?

MAX
Why are you asking me if I’m okay? You kidnapped me.

LINUS
I most certainly did not!
 
MAX
Then why are you here?

LINUS
This is bad, this is really bad.

MAX
Linus. Linus, please. Tell me what’s going on.

LINUS
Uh, so, I think my dad kidnapped you. Or is it abducted? I never remember the difference. He texted me this address and told me to come here to guard an asset for him. Apparently, you’re that asset. I thought you were gonna be a crate of diamonds or weapons or something.

MAX
Your dad? I thought your dad was like a banker or something.

LINUS
Oh, yeah, no, that’s just a front.

MAX
Then who is he?

LINUS
Uh, you might know him as… MacGuffin?

MAX
Your dad. You, Linus Montgomery. Your dad is a criminal mastermind?

LINUS
Mmhmm.

MAX
So, is your real name Linus MacGuffin?

LINUS
What? No, MacGuffin is just dad’s alias.

MAX
Isn’t he a little too old to have a kid your age?

LINUS
Don’t get judgy, tons of old guys still have good swimmers. My mom’s much younger.

MAX
What does your dad want with me?

LINUS
I honestly have no clue. Other than bugging your apartment today, and trying to get close to your sister, he hasn’t told me anything. I thought he was interested in Tammy, not you.

MAX
You bugged my apartment?

LINUS
Well, apparently I didn’t do it correctly, because Dad said the feed died after like 10 seconds. I’m the worst sidekick ever.

MAX
Linus, if you’re working for a villain, you’re a henchman, not a sidekick. Only heroes get to have sidekicks.

LINUS
Do you think I had a choice? I’ve tried to get out of the family business. I rebelled and went to Rose Academy. I really wanted to try the whole hero thing, but every single audition I went to, my dad sabotaged it somehow, until he was the only viable option left.

MAX
You always have a choice.

LINUS
I thought so, too. Did you know, Dad went to Rose Academy? I didn’t even need to pretend I was a legacy. He was valedictorian, and when he found out I’d enrolled, he pressured me to be the best. He said going there would help create doubt in our family’s… not-so-legal dealings, and no one would expect someone like me to be working for MacGuffin.

MAX
Well, I’m sorry I got in your way. You’re probably just not smart enough.

LINUS
You sound just like him.

MAX
Linus, what did you say about getting close to Tammy?

LINUS
I met her at an audition for Fourth Wall. I was only there because my dad sent me. He said I would meet someone important, and I should try to get close to her. I think I took it too far, though.

MAX
By bugging our place and trying to join our support group?

LINUS
No, before that. I’ve been spending a lot of time with her, for months. I wasn’t supposed to, but we ended up– Uh, we’re kind of– I don’t know. Oh god, this is awkward. When you came home earlier, I wasn’t there for your meeting.

MAX
Oh god, you’re the kitchen sex guy?

LINUS
And the living room, and the bathroom, and the bedroom, and the laundry room…

MAX
Uh, I should’ve known. I mean, look at you.

LINUS
Uh, what do you mean?

MAX
She normally goes for bad boys, but she also likes a pretty face. Ew,, are you blushing? What’s wrong with you?

LINUS
I can be a bad boy...

MAX
No, you can’t. Bad boys don’t look like they belong in a yacht club.

LINUS
Pshh, we don’t own a yacht. It’s a catamaran.

MAX
That doesn’t help your cause. So, those condoms I saw at home, those were for you?

LINUS
Uh, yeah, we ran out, so she was at the store buying more.

MAX
Eww, Linus, why? What the BLEEP is wrong with you? Seducing my sister to help your dad?

LINUS
That’s not what happened. I really like Tammy. Like, really, really like her. I’ve never met anyone like her. I think–

MAX
Holy crap, are you in love with my sister?

LINUS
I think so. Yeah. That’s why we need to figure out how to get you out of here.

MAX
Excuse me?

LINUS
Tammy would kill me if she knew I had anything to do with this. And honestly I had no idea until I showed up. If we come up with a way to get you out of here that my dad would believe, I might be off the hook. He’s hard to trick, though.

MAX
You think Tammy would forgive you for lying to her for months? Or for not telling her you’re a henchie for a supervillain? Have you met her?

LINUS
Crap. You’re right. Okay, so, you’re her brother. What can I do to fix this?

MAX
I was honestly expecting this conversation to go a little differently. I kinda thought you were gonna reveal a master plan, and be all evil and stuff, but you’re really just a big idiot with questionable morals and an unfortunate obligation to your family.

LINUS
So you’ll help me?

MAX
You’re questioning if I’ll help you set me free?

LINUS
Good point. Could you do something with an animal? Like, get a rhino from the zoo to break out and come here?

MAX
Why?

LINUS
My force fields are really sturdy. Only something super strong can break them. Like I said, I need a believable story.

MAX
No, no rhinos. The only animal that likes me is Eloise. She’s a falcon.

LINUS
Was she the bird you were always with in college?

MAX
Yeah. You were actually the reason I met her in the first place.

LINUS
Me? Like, me-me?

MAX
Yeah, you-you. She was the one good thing that came out of Rose Academy, so I guess, in a weird way, I should thank you.

LINUS
What did I do?

MAX
After the whole Doolots thing, no one ever wanted to be in a group with me, and everyone started teasing me. You should know, you were there. It was around the end of the second semester, freshman year. That’s also when I realized I was gay, too, so I was still in the closet. I was feeling awful, like I didn’t belong, and coming to terms with my sexuality wasn’t making it any better. So, one day, I went up to the clocktower on campus, and... I was thinking about jumping.

LINUS
Dude–

MAX
It’s okay. So, before I could do anything, I heard something. Not with my ears, but with my power. Something was out there calling for help, and I could sense extreme urgency. It was the first time I’ve ever really felt needed in my entire life. I found a tiny peregrine falcon chick who fell out of her nest. I probably could’ve put her back in, and it would’ve been totally fine, but her feelings of need and helplessness were like a drug. So, I did everything I could to raise her to be healthy and strong, but I didn’t realize that she would imprint on me. I call her my friend, but she’s really like my kid. I named her after my grandma who died when I was young. Her name was Eloise.

LINUS
Max, I-

MAX
Don’t.

LINUS
I’m sorry. I had no idea.

MAX
I’m okay with it. I don’t think I was ever really going to jump. Besides, I found Eloise. There’s nothing to be sorry for. You were young, entitled, and living in your supervillain father’s shadow. I mean, that sounds like a lot of pressure.

LINUS
Yeah, but– I was a dick. A giant dick.

MAX
Oh, I know you’re a giant dick. I saw the magnums.

LINUS
Oh, god, this has all gone to BLEEP.

MAX
You’re telling me. You know, I’m not sure what’s worse, being kidnapped, or realizing that you’re actually not the human garbage I thought you were. Okay, let’s brainstorm.


LINUS
Give me a minute. I think I’m having a panic attack. My stomach is doing flippy things right now and I have to go find a bathroom. Or breathe. Or walk it off. I don’t know.

SFX: DOOR OPENING

LINUS
I’ll be back in a little while. I’m gonna put up a forcefield around this thing. Don’t go anywhere!

MAX
Uh, hey, that’s nice and all, but could you–

SFX: DOOR SLAMMING SHUT

MAX
Untie me? Great. Don’t go anywhere! Yeah, I can’t. Oh my god. Hey, mister rat, are you still in here?

ID
You talk to rats?

MAX
Hello? Who said that?

ID
I snuck in when Linus opened the door. It’s Invisidude.

MAX
Oh. Uh, okay. Hi.

ID
I was kind of expecting a bigger reaction. I’m here with Pitch, Recall and, uh, Snoozy Susie. I’m trying to use the codenames in case we’re being monitored, but she really needs a better name. We’re here to rescue you!

MAX
That’s wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, but… could you untie my hands? I can’t feel my fingers.

ID
Oh, yeah, duh.

ID
Hold still, just let me– There we go. Feel better?

MAX
Uh, yeah. Thanks.

ID
Now let’s get this door open.

SFX: DOOR  OPENING PARTIALLY, THEN HITTING SOMETHING, THEN CLOSING

ID
Uh, Buck? There’s a slight problem.

MAX
Uh, let me guess, Security Blanket’s forcefield?

ID
Affirmative. Do you know how strong it is?

MAX
Pitch would know better than I would, assuming they talked shop occasionally in between boning and betraying me.

ID
Ah, so he told you.

MAX
You knew? How did you know?

ID
Yeah, I’ve been– Um, I’ll catch you up later. In case someone’s listening in.

MAX
Fine, more secrets. Great. So, are you in contact with Pitch right now? Whatever you guys have planned, you need to stop. This isn’t what it looks like.

ID
You weren’t taken and held against your will?

MAX
No, that totally happened, but Linus is kind of on our side. Well, Pitch’s side.

ID
Buck, he’s the son of MacGuffin. You can’t trust him.

MAX
I know, I know, but he spilled way too many beans, so I don’t think anyone’s listening in, unless it’s an elaborate plan and he’s lying. Besides, if they’re listening in, they already know you’re here.

ID
Well I would’ve tried to communicate with sign language, but that would require you to see me.

MAX
I don’t know sign language.

ID
Neither do I.

MAX
Then why– Oh, you were joking.

ID
Sorry, I’ve been told my sense of humor is awful.

MAX
I’m not really in a humorous mood right now.

ID
So, Linus is not the bad guy here?

MAX
I didn’t actually see who abducted me. They tased me and thenknocked me out from behind, then I woke up here. Linus popped in after that, and he was genuinely not expecting to see me. He said MacGuffin wanted him to guard an asset, which I guess is me, but I don’t know why I would matter to him. I’m a C-league sidekick with a very limited skillset.

ID
I don’t know why MacGuffin would take you. Where did Linus go?

MAX
I don’t know. To pee? Or throw up? Something along those lines.

ID
Are you okay? Did he hurt you?

MAX
No, we just talked. Long story short, I think he loves Pitch, like, in the gross emotional way, and he wants to help me break out so she doesn’t kill him, or castrate him, or whatever she would do.

ID
I don’t think that’s gross, that’s sweet! It’s like a star-crossed sorta thing.

MAX
Invisidude, she would never be with a henchperson. Ever.

ID
She does hate her henchies.

MAX
For sure. Okay, so we need to come up with a plan to make it look like Linus failed, but not so much that it’s obvious that he let me go on purpose. If that makes any sense. I don’t know why I’m going along with this.

ID
Okay. Pitch? Come in. Pitch? I.D. here. Uhh. Pitch? Recall? I can’t reach them, it’s like there’s something blocking the signal.

MAX
It’s gotta be the forcefield.

ID
Yeah, probably.

MAX
So, what? We just wait for him to come back?

ID
And hope Pitch doesn’t kill him beforehand?

MAX
Oh, god, this is not good. 

ID
Everyone’s close by. I was scouting ahead, and they were waiting for my signal to come in. Linus might be able to protect himself with his power if he runs into them. Pitch said that he can make his force fields sound-proof, so her power might be useless. Same thing with Snoozy Susie’s power, although she seems to be very apprehensive to use it...

MAX
So that leaves who, Recall? I mean, she could use her memory to trick him, I guess. I’m starting to see why we’re all sidekicks. I wish the Stag was here, his laser vision could probably cut right through a forcefield.

ID
The Stag is the reason we’re here. He sent a note with Eloise, and she led us here. This complex is full of narrow corridors and doorways, he would never fit.

MAX
Yeah, that giant rack of his really does get in the way.  I wish my sister was here, she would’ve made a joke about her own rack. The Stag could make it in, you know. He could literally blast through the walls until he found me. But that would cost millions of dollars, and without knowing my exact location, he could easily kill me in the process. You know, I feel like, the stronger your powers, the harder it is to use them without destroying, like, everything in sight.

ID
I don’t know if it would cost millions, this building seems abandoned.

MAX
Yeah, where am I?

ID
You’re in a shipping container, in the basement, under a warehouse, near the docks.

MAX
Reall? I think I just won Kidnap Bingo. It’s a thing Pitch and I play sometimes, when someone’s taken hostage or whatnot.

ID
Is there a space on the bingo card for “trapped in a forcefield with an invisible guy who I accused of sleeping with my sister?”

MAX
Uh, no, that’s a little specific. I am really sorry about that, I didn’t know about Linus then. Today’s been a rough day.

ID
Don’t worry, I’m not mad, I just wanted to make sure you knew the truth.

MAX
And what’s the truth?

ID
I already said I’ll fill you in later.

MAX
Right. You did. Hey, you know what? Screw it. If someone was listening in, there’s no way Linus would’ve told me everything he did, and even if that’s not the case, his forcefield is most likely cutting off all transmissions. So, tell me, Invisidude. What’s the truth?

ID
I don’t even know where to begin. What I can tell you is that the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you, which includes doing anything with your sister, or lying to you without a good reason. I know you don’t know me very well, but I know you way better than you think.

MAX
And how is that?

ID
I’ve been to every one of your meetings, since the very beginning. I’m sidekicking for Fourth Wall now, and he assigned me to watch over you. Pitch was in on it, too. We kept you in the dark because Fourth Wall made us swear on it.

MAX
I have so many more questions. Like, why do I need watching over?

ID
He knew something bad was going to happen to you today, and it would involve Linus and his family, but that’s all I know. Also, Recall thinks she’s secretly MacGuffin’s daughter, so that’s kind of a big deal.

MAX
What the– Did someone drug me, too? Today is a stupid, bad dream, and I just need to wake up.

ID
Sorry, you’re not asleep. Not yet, anyway. Snoozy Susie’s our contingency plan, so if things go sideways, she might sing us all to sleep.

MAX
Great. Did you say you’ve been to every meeting? Like, Second Fiddles meetings?

ID
Yeah. I started before Fourth Wall assigned me, but I was too nervous to speak up, and once you, uh, started talking about me, it got weird, so I stayed quiet.

MAX
Started talking about you? What are you– Ohhhh. You heard everything?

ID
Yeah. I might as well tell you, because everyone else knows, but I was there before the first meeting started. I snuck in with the pizza. I heard everything.

MAX
Like, the parts about, umm, feelings, and-

ID
Everything.

MAX
I know, I should probably be mad, or feel like my privacy was violated, but I don’t blame you for not speaking up. If you were as embarrassed as I am now, I’m surprised you ever came back. Being invisible sounds really good right about now.

ID
It has its perks. But also many, many drawbacks. Max, about those things you said…

SFX: MUFFLED SONIC SCREAM

MAX
What the hell is happening out there?

ID
I don’t know, but it sounds like your sister’s here.

MAX
I know, that’s what I’m afraid of.

MAX
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Mat is voiced by Mat Johnson, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, Invisidude is voiced by Nick B, and Fourth Wall is voiced by John Pupo. Thanks for listening!