FOURTH WALL
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Max had a bully back at Rose Academy who gave him an embarrassing nickname. Tammy had sex in the kitchen, and Ren’s dog Giles could smell it. Ugh, Nasty! Oh, and let’s not forget, Max’s stealthy crush Invisidude crashed their last meeting, unbeknownst to all but Tammy. What secrets are they keeping? I know the answer, because I’m the narrator. You, on the other hand, might have to be a little more patient. Also, just a warning, this episode starts off with some erotic undertones. And overtones. There’s a lot of sex talk, okay? I don't really want to, but let’s begin.

MAX
Episode 8, Wet Blanket.

TAMMY
I swear I had more condoms in my dresser.

LINUS
Listen, babe, I’ve told you a million times, we don’t need condoms. I can just make a forcefield around my junk. It’s like having superpowered birth control. Nothing will get through, I promise.

TAMMY
Forgive me if I don’t trust the effectiveness of forcefield condoms.

LINUS
You don’t know what you’re missing. I can expand and contract the field at will. I could even make it ripple. And vibrate.

TAMMY
It’s gonna be a hard pass, however tempting the ripple-action may sound.

LINUS
I’ll get you there one day.

TAMMY
You haven’t gotten me there yet, so I doubt it.

LINUS
Ouch. I don’t believe that for a second.

TAMMY
Wanna go to the store with me? We can grab some rubbers. And maybe a burrito?

LINUS
Okay, boomer, we can get some rubbers. Who calls them that anymore?

TAMMY
For every ageist thing you say to me, that’s one less time you get to be on top. So as it stands now, you’ll never be in control.

LINUS
Would cougar be better?

TAMMY
Would dating your hand be better?

LINUS
Sometimes I think it would be less trouble. You can go without me, I need to make a call.

TAMMY
And the burrito?

LINUS
I’m never going to want a burrito, no matter how many times you ask. Nothing says “let’s have hot sweaty sex” less than eating spicy meat, beans and dairy.

TAMMY
The spice adds to the hot-sweaty part.

LINUS
In your words, it’s gonna be a hard pass.

TAMMY
Fine, have it your way, but I prefer to have something in my stomach before having something in my– you get the point. Or will I be the one getting the point later?

LINUS
Oh my god, you’re insatiable. I can’t tell who’s getting more out of this relationship.

TAMMY
Oh, it's definitely me. And you think this is a relationship?

LINUS
Didn’t you just ask me if I’d rather date my hand? You said “dating” before I did, so it would seem that you jumped the label gun.

TAMMY
The only label I’m willing to use for this whatever-it-is, is toxic.

LINUS
Toxic? And why is that? I’m over here practically every time your brother’s out. I enjoy you, you enjoy me. We both get to spend some good quality naked time together. That doesn’t sound toxic. That sounds fun.

TAMMY
Yeah, you’re fun. You’re also entitled, egotistical, and–

LINUS
Equally insatiable?

TAMMY
I was going to say infuriating. Are you sure your power isn’t convincing women to ignore your massive… list of faults?

LINUS
My massive what-now?

TAMMY
Sometimes I wish I could put a bag over your head, but your face is too pretty to cover up. Maybe I could just put a sock in your mouth?

LINUS
I can think of some other things you can put in my mouth. Other than a burrito. Speaking of, go run your errands. I’ll be waiting here ever-so patiently for your return.

TAMMY
You could… Stay for a while afterward, too. If you want. We have another Second Fiddles meeting tonight, after Max gets home from work. You could… stick around and meet the others? Maybe make some friends?

LINUS
What’s next, you’ll want an engagement ring? I don’t need any support. Or new friends. I have a lot of friends.

TAMMY
You do? Friends that don’t just like you for being rich? After all these months, I haven’t heard you mention anyone. I don’t even know anything about your family. Where does all your money come from?

LINUS
Wow, talk about killing the mood.

TAMMY
Hey, we can talk about deep stuff.

LINUS
I can do deep. How deep do you want me to go?

TAMMY
There you go, always making it sexual.

LINUS
I thought that’s what you liked about me. You weren’t hoping to change me, were you? Take off my glasses, give me a haircut, and show me off at the prom? We both know that we’re the couple spiking the punch and banging under the bleachers while everyone else is dancing.

TAMMY
Wet Blanket, you just called us a couple.

LINUS
Why are you smiling like that? You look like a hyena. A horny hyena.

TAMMY
I don’t understand how you’re both the douchey upper crust guy with a sweater tied around his shoulders, and the bad-boy rebel at the same time.

LINUS
What can I say? I have layers.

TAMMY
Do you have any older siblings? You strike me as having some classic “younger child” traits.

LINUS
Ding ding ding! You are correct, I’m the youngest of two. What gave it away?

TAMMY
Don’t be pissy at me for saying this, but I’ve been trying to figure out why you care so much about my brother beating you out for valedictorian. I’m guessing your older sibling is the favorite, and you’ve been living in their shadow? Max is totally my parent’s favorite, and I’m okay with that. I don’t think he was trying to beat you, by the way, I think he just really, really wants to be the best hero he can be, and like you’ve said before, it’s not like that dweeb was going to parties or being irresponsible. While you were probably staying up late drinking and hooking up, then somehow acing every test just because you’re naturally smart, he was studying. Am I close?

LINUS
Wow. Yeah. That was me in a nutshell. Younger child, ignored at home. Linus goes off to school to stand out somehow. Now he’s not even able to get a job as a sidekick. Sounds like a real winner to me. That’s marriage material right there. I really need to make this call, babe. I’ll see you in a few minutes?

TAMMY
Linus? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to–

LINUS
Don’t worry. I- Don’t worry about it. Like you said when we first met, who needs a thick skin when you have a forcefield, right?

TAMMY
Hold tight, pretty boy. This cougar’s gonna grab a burrito and some magnums and make you forget what day it is.

LINUS
I don’t like it when you say cougar, it’s creepy.

TAMMY
Yeah, I tried, but it felt wrong. Be right back!

SOUND: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.

LINUS
Come on, pick up, pick up.  Finally! Hi. Yeah.  No, I’ve had some delays, but the mission is a go.  I’m hiding the bug right now.  Does it matter?  Fine, I’m planting it in a plant.

SOUND: RUSTLING OF FAKE PLANT LEAVES

LINUS
What? It’s like a fake fern thing, I don’t know what kind of plant it is, what does that matter? Oh my god, shut up. Fine, fine, yeah. Okay, it should be activated. It made some beepy sound. Is it working? Oh, right, I need to be talking. Testing, testing, one-two, testing. You got it? Okay, good. No, I, uh, totally have her wrapped around my finger. No, I don’t have any feelings for her. I’m hanging up now. I’m. Hanging. Up. Now. Bye! Even if I did have feelings for her, it’s not like it would matter. After this, she’ll never forgive me.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING

LINUS
That was quick! Forget your wallet?

MAX
Linus? Linus Montgomery?

LINUS
Oh, heeeey, Max, buddy. It’s been forever!

MAX
What the BLEEP are you doing in my apartment?

LINUS
I, uh, met your sister Tammy at an audition, and she, uh, she invited me to your support group!

MAX
Tammy! Where is she?

LINUS
She went to get food. She really wanted a burrito.

MAX
And she left you here alone?

LINUS
Yeah, I had a phone interview for a job, and she didn’t want to make me nervous by looming over my shoulder. I didn’t leave the living room, I swear!

MAX
The meeting doesn’t start for like 5 hours, why are you here now?

LINUS
I was nervous about coming, so we were just talking about sidekick stuff. She thought if I came early, and got to know her a little, I might be more comfortable meeting other people. I didn’t know you were her brother until I saw that newspaper clipping of you and the Stag on the fridge.

MAX
I thought you didn’t leave the living room.

LINUS
Hey, it’s an open floor plan. Kitchen, living room, it’s all the same. Why are you here? Tammy said you were working all day. What does the Stag have you doing?

MAX
I wasn’t sidekicking, I was at my other job, I– it doesn’t matter. I forgot to bring food for lunch, so I drove back here to grab something. But now I’ve lost my appetite.

LINUS
What, because of me? I promise, I’m not a thief, I didn’t break into your place to steal stuff.

MAX
Oh, believe me, I know you wouldn’t want any material goods from lowly people like us.

LINUS
Dude, just because my family has money doesn’t mean I’m some kind of snob. Is that what you think of me?

MAX
I don’t think much of you at all. I think you should go.

LINUS
Yeah, that’s cool. Maybe I’ll see you later at the meeting?

MAX
I think you should probably skip that too.

LINUS
Any specific reason?

MAX
Oh, I don’t know, maybe having the bully who ruined my entire college experience hanging out in my apartment is a little, I don’t know, uncomfortable?

LINUS
Bully? Seriously? I didn’t even know your name until Tammy told me.

MAX
You give me a weird nickname, make me a laughingstock, and then forgot my real name. I really don’t know why I’m surprised.

LINUS
Hey, you were the one who made the crappy Dr. Doolittle joke, I just repeated back what you said. It’s not my fault everyone else started saying it too.

MAX
What? Of course it’s your fault! Everyone always paid attention to you. They wanted to impress you because you were popular, and that’s why they started calling me Doolots. You were an influencer, and you turned me into a joke. I already hated myself, I didn’t need  anyone else to hate me too!

LINUS
No one hated you, they just thought you were a nerd.

MAX
Hardly anyone ever took the chance to get to know me. I was Rose Academy’s equivalent of a crazy cat lady.

LINUS
Crazy bird lady. Not cat.

MAX
Oh, look at Doolots, running around getting chased by birds, let’s all point and laugh every time they BLEEP on his head.

LINUS
Objectively, that was comedy gold.

MAX
Subjectively, it was humiliating. I can’t control the way my powers affect animals. Do you think I wanted everyone to laugh at me? How does that make sense?

LINUS
Okay, so, it sounds like you’ve been holding a lot of this in for a while, so maybe I should just go, and we can talk about it later. Maybe you can talk to your sister and we can smooth this all out.

MAX
I used to dream of a day when I could forget you existed. A lot of the reasons I have anxiety, and a big reason I started this support group in the first place, was because I never had support from you or anyone else at school.

LINUS
We’re not in school anymore. I’m not who you think I am.

MAX
I can’t support someone I don’t trust, and I don’t trust you. So, whatever invitation Tammy extended to you, I’m revoking it. You’re not welcome here.

LINUS
I’m not a vampire, you can’t, like, uninvite me to your house and hope I disappear. You need to calm down, man.

MAX
The last thing you should ever say to someone emotional is to “calm down.” It never helps.

LINUS
Fine. Forget I was here. Tell Tammy– You know what, I don’t care what you tell her. I really didn’t need this today.

MAX
Well, thanks for stopping in, glad we could catch up!

SOUND: DOOR CREAKING OPENING

LINUS
What is this, a haunted house? Fix this door!

MAX
BLEEP you! And, you're right.

SOUND: DOOR CLOSING

MAX
Breathe, Max, breathe. Pick up your phone, Tammy.

SOUND: VIBRATING PHONE

MAX
Great. You obviously can’t pick up your phone if you left it here.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

TAMMY
Umm, hey. What are you doing home?

MAX
I live here.

TAMMY
Don’t get sassy with me.

MAX
I forgot to bring a lunch to work, so I came back, but I wasn’t expecting to find Linus Montgomery here.

TAMMY
I-I can explain.

MAX
You don’t need to. He told me all about meeting you at an audition and coming over early to talk to you before the meeting tonight. Because you invited him.

TAMMY
Huh?

MAX
Is that true?

TAMMY
Oh, yeah, the meeting. I did. I invited him to the meeting tonight. Did he leave?

MAX
Yeah. You didn’t see him on your way in?

TAMMY
I took the elevator. He probably took the stairs. Did he… Say why he left?

MAX
He left because I asked him to.

TAMMY
And why did you do that?

MAX
Tam. I know you just met him, but he’s not a good guy. I went to school with him. He’s a jerk.

TAMMY
You thought everyone in school was a jerk. He seems a little bougie, yeah, but he’s a sidekick. And we have a support group for sidekicks, so what’s the big deal?

MAX
I’m trying not to, like, totally whine right now, but he’s the guy, Tammy.

TAMMY
The guy you lost your virginity to?

MAX
What? No, not– not that guy.

TAMMY
Oh, whew, good, that would be really confusing.

MAX
Linus is the guy who called me Doolots. He’s the bully who ruined the academy for me.

TAMMY
Oh. That guy. If it helps, he barely seems to remember you. He didn’t even know your real name until I told him.

MAX
That makes it worse! You knew that, and you still brought him here?

TAMMY
I didn’t know that he made up the nickname, he left that part out, but it’s been years. Who cares?

MAX
I care! I don’t want him coming here, not even for a meeting. He can probably pay someone to be there for him, like an emotional support human.

TAMMY
Max. You are definitely whining. And you’re being petty.

MAX
I know, but I’m allowed to be bitter. Don’t diminish my feelings. I tried to–

TAMMY
Tried to what, scare away someone I– Someone who– Someone we could’ve helped?

MAX
No, Tammy. I tried to– It doesn’t matter. Linus ruined my life, and I don’t want him here. That’s it.

TAMMY
But–

MAX
Please, Tam. I never ask you for anything. Just let this go. We can talk about it later, if you want, but I have to get back to work.

TAMMY
Okay, sure, yeah. I’ll see you after your shift.

MAX
I hope I didn’t make your burrito get cold. I know you hate a cold burrito.

TAMMY
It’ll be fine. Go to work.

MAX
Bye.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

TAMMY
So. That was bad. Right? Invisidude?

INVISIDUDE
You’re telling me.

TAMMY
I hope he cools down.

INVISIDUDE
Who, Max? Or Security Blanket?

TAMMY
Oh, BLEEP. Is Linus angry too?

INVISIDUDE
Yeah. But it doesn’t matter. He finally did it.

TAMMY
Seriously? When Max was here?

INVISIDUDE
No, right before. Security Blanket made a call, but I couldn’t hear who he was talking to. He planted a bug in the fern, but I disabled it the moment Max got here, so we’re not being monitored anymore.

TAMMY
That little weasel. Well, I’m not surprised, today is when Fourth Wall told us it was going to happen. I just wasn’t expecting Max to come home.

INVISIDUDE
When Fourth Wall recruited us to take down Security Blanket and his family, I didn’t really know what to believe, but he really does know everything.

TAMMY
Mostly everything. Yeah, he’s clairvoyant, but with only flashes of precognition. I think his view of the future is limited. He warned us that Linus would act against us today, and he told you to stay hidden during our meetings all of these months, but he never said why. His lack of specificity is annoying as hell.

INVISIDUDE
What I don’t get is why Fourth Wall told you to get close to Security Blanket, when getting close to him is what gave him the opportunity to betray you in the first place. How does that make sense?

TAMMY
I decided to stop questioning it after the first couple weeks. A part of me was obviously hoping he was wrong, that’s probably why I let it get out of control.

INVISIDUDE
I know you like him. Other than the sex, I mean.

TAMMY
Fourth Wall said to get close, and he totally did NOT mean to start boning him, but we have this spark. I can’t really put it into words. And yeah, he’s a brat, but sometimes he seems to actually care.

SOUND: RUSTLING OF PLASTIC BAG, SETTING BOX ON COUNTER

TAMMY
These condoms I bought are probably going to go to waste. At least I can eat this burrito now.

INVISIDUDE
You can care about someone and still hurt them, Pitch. It happens all the time. Nothing is ever black and white. Except for zebras and skunks and whatnot. Okay, now that I think about it, there are a ton of things that are black and white. Penguins. Tuxedos. Penguins wearing tuxedos.

TAMMY
Oh god, your sense of humor is even worse than Max’s.

INVISIDUDE
Not like he would know that. Or Sophia. Or Ren. I hate always observing but never being able to be part of anything.

TAMMY
At least you have me! Did you have time to get a tracer on Linus before he left? We need to know everywhere he goes.

INVISIDUDE
Yeah, it was easy. If he puts up a forcefield, though, it could disrupt the signal, so we’ll have to wait and see what happens.

TAMMY
Okay, so our next step should probably be to follow...

SOUND: DOOR OPENING 

MAX
Tammy! Where is he?

SOUND: DOOR CLOSING

TAMMY
BLEEP, Max! What are you doing?

MAX
I could hear you through the door, I know you were talking to someone. I know you’re not alone. Did Linus come back?

TAMMY
No, he’s gone. Don’t freak out. I was… on the phone.

MAX
Really? I can see your phone right over there on the counter.

TAMMY
It was on speaker.

MAX
Don’t lie to me. Who were you talking to? Hey, who’s here?

TAMMY
Max. Shouldn’t you be at work?

MAX
Well, I came back to apologize, but– hey, don't change the subject. Who’s here?

TAMMY
Max. Don’t freak out.

MAX
Why would I freak out?

TAMMY
You’ve met Invisidude before.

INVISIDUDE
Hi, Max. Nice to see you again. I mean, for me. You obviously can’t see me. This is awkward, right?

MAX
Oh my god, Tam, how many things have you been keeping from me?

TAMMY
Nothing! Just Invisidude!

MAX
Why are you even here? Where are you? I don’t even know what direction to face.

INVISIDUDE
I’m right next to Pitch. No, the other side. Okay, now you’re kind of looking at my shoulder.

MAX
Could someone please answer me? Why are you here?

TAMMY
Max, this is kind of a long story, so maybe we should sit down.

MAX
Tammy, I see what this is. I can see the giant BLEEPing box of condoms right behind you.

TAMMY
Whoa, Max, no, it’s not what you think!

MAX
Invisidude, were you here last week? Were you who Ren’s dog was smelling in the kitchen?

INVISIDUDE
Uh, yes, I was here then, but I’m not sleeping with–

MAX
I can’t do this.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING

MAX
Trying to recruit my bully was bad enough, Tam, but sleeping with Invisidude? You know how I– You know–

TAMMY
Max, you’re so wrong right now.

INVISIDUDE
Please, listen to your sister.

MAX
I hope you two have some invisible fucking babies together. BLEEPholes!

SOUND: DOOR CLOSING

TAMMY
Max! What do I do?

INVISIDUDE
I don’t know.

TAMMY
Max!

INVISIDUDE
Watch it with the powers! He probably has to go back to work. Let him go. He’ll be back in a few hours, and you can explain everything then.

TAMMY
This could not have gone any worse. He knows I’ve been lying to him, and he thinks we’re boning, so that’s just perfect.

INVISIDUDE
Hey, well, at least he saw that you bought magnums, so he probably thinks I’m well off down there, if you know what I mean. I’ll take a free confidence boost!

TAMMY
BLEEP you, Invisidude.

INVISIDUDE
Okay, I can see how that may have been inappropriate. My bad. Just give him some time. He’ll be fine.

TAMMY
You’d better be right.

MAX
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, Invisidude is voiced by Nick B, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, and Fourth Wall is voiced by John Pupo. Thanks for listening!