Episode 5 – Icebreakers

FOURTH WALL
Previously, on Second Fiddles, Tammy went to an audition and, let’s just say, she did not book the gig. Sophia’s been busy playing detective, and Ren knocked out the rest of the group with her sleepy slumber-time singing powers. But now they’re back to try this whole support group thing. Again. Seems like a weak premise for a podcast, but who am I to judge? Let’s begin.

MAX
Episode 5, Icebreakers.

MAX
Hey Sophia, Ren. Come on in.

SOPHIA
It is nice to see you again, Max. I apologize for not attending last week. I was working.

MAX
Don’t worry, Tammy told me what you were up to. You were with the A-league, looking into the bombings, right? Did you find any good leads yet? Two weeks is a long time to not have anything new pop up in the media about it.

SOPHIA
That is above your clearance level. I cannot tell you.

MAX
That’s okay, I kinda figured. So, Ren, welcome back. Did the two of you come together?

REN
Huh? Oh, no, we just met.

SOPHIA
We exchanged names and aliases in the hallway prior to entering your apartment. I already knew of her, but this is our first encounter.

MAX
So, Ren, what alias did you give her? Are you still into Morpheus?

REN
Oh, no. I’m still stuck with Snoozy Suzie, but I was thinking of trying out Torpor. Or Somnus. I don’t know. I saw The Matrix, by the way. But I didn’t watch the sequels yet.

MAX
Don’t bother. They’re meh. From those two, I like Somnus better. Torpor doesn’t actually mean sleeping, it’s more like an extended period of time with a lower body temperature.

REN
I did a deep dive into sleep synonyms, and torpor was somewhere on the list near hibernation.

SOPHIA
Torpor is similar to hibernation, but some animals enter a period of torpor on a daily basis.

REN
Uh, good to know, I guess. I’ll see if Lucid Lucy likes Somnus. How do you know what torpor is? I don’t remember that from high school bio. Although, to be fair, I don’t really remember anything from high school bio.

SOPHIA
I know many things. Knowledge is my power. I don’t forget anything I’ve ever learned.

MAX
But she is not a robot.

REN
That’s great. Not the robot thing, I don’t care if you’re a robot. I mean, your power. Have you learned things like martial arts with your power, or is it more about books?

SOPHIA
Self-defense has been paramount in my training, but muscle memory is not covered within the scope of my power. I know how to perform heart surgery from reading, but I am not sure if my hands would be steady enough to accomplish the task if I was required to do so. To further answer your question, Ren, I personally prefer Krav Maga.

MAX
Still have The Matrix on the brain?

REN
Yeah. I'd love to plug my brain into a machine and instantly learn kung fu.

MAX
I love that part. I know kung fu!

SOPHIA
Show me!

MAX
Sophia, do you like The Matrix?

SOPHIA
Yes, the concept is intriguing.

MAX
Can you quote every line from every movie you’ve seen?

SOPHIA
Yes.

MAX
Oh my god, that’s amazing. Please tell me you've seen Mean Girls.

SOPHIA
On Wednesdays we wear pink.

MAX
You’re my new favorite person.

SOPHIA
I am happy to have stolen the title from Tammy. That is so fetch!

MAX
Ha! Just don’t tell her.

REN
Speaking of Tammy, is she here?

MAX
No, she went out a while ago. She’s been in a mood since her last audition, so I doubt she’ll be joining us.

SOPHIA
Was the audition unsuccessful?

MAX
She did not get the job, no. She was super late, which probably didn’t help, but she said Fourth Wall and her would be a bad fit. And that’s it. I have zero details. She’s used to rejection, though, so she normally doesn’t get upset after auditions.

REN
Was it my fault?

MAX
Your fault? Why?

REN
Was she late to the audition because I sang you two to sleep?

MAX
Uh, well, if you put it that way, I guess, but if it makes you feel better, she said she wouldn’t have gotten the job either way.

REN
I know I already texted you both about it, but I’m so, so sorry. It’ll never happen again.

MAX
Oh god, I don’t care. Honestly, it was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in months. I normally have trouble sleeping.

SOPHIA
I have trouble sleeping as well. I get flashes of people and places in my dreams that I do not recognize, and seeing them is very unsettling.

REN
I wish I could just give you both a recording of my voice to put you to sleep when you need it, but my power only works in person. I’ve sang people to sleep before when they’re afraid of having nightmares.

MAX
Heh, maybe you should try Melatonin for an alias.

REN
I did. Lucy didn’t like it.

MAX
That woman sounds hard to please. and her alias is awful. I don’t see why she didn’t pick a name with dream or dreamer in it somewhere.

REN
She’s very… particular.

MAX
Or, as Tammy likes to say, she’s crazy.

SOUND: PHONE VIBRATION

MAX
Hey, speaking of the she-devil, she just texted me.

SOPHIA
Will she be joining us this evening?

MAX
Uh, no, I don’t think so.

SOPHIA
What did she say?

MAX
Well, I texted her: Are you coming back? I want to try some icebreakers. And she said: No, gross.

SOPHIA
Is that all?

MAX
Well, apparently, she had to point out that there’s a henchperson named Icebreaker who can freeze small items. And then she breaks them. How original.

REN
I don’t understand her obsession with, what does she call them? Henchpeople? Henchies?

MAX
Henchies. She likes to have nemeses. And she has many.

SOPHIA
Will we still be trying icebreakers without Tammy present?

MAX
I don’t know, does that sound dumb?

SOPHIA
I have never participated in icebreakers before. I would like to try.

MAX
Okay, cool. Ren?

REN
I guess that’s fine. Do you think anyone else is coming tonight?

MAX
I don’t think so, but maybe–

SOUND: PHONE VIBRATION

MAX
Now what? Tammy says to hold off on icebreakers until Invisidude comes, because… Oh god, I’m not reading this out-loud.

SOPHIA
She actually sent her response as a group text.

REN
What does Tammy mean when she says that you would want Invisidude to break your ice?

MAX
I don’t know, maybe because he’s invisible and we don’t know anything about him and icebreakers would help us learn… things, about him. Whatever, he’s not coming. He’s ghosted Tammy for weeks.

REN
Isn’t he... always ghosting everyone? Because… he’s invisible?

SOPHIA
I like that, Ren. That was a good joke.

MAX
You know what, let’s stop talking about some random invisible person and play a game!

SOPHIA
What do you have in mind?

MAX
Okay, so, let’s  just start with something basic. Let’s go around in a circle and say one boring thing about ourselves.

REN
What’s that gonna do?

MAX
Sometimes people try to share interesting things when they meet new people, not everyday normal stuff. I’ll go first. So, I like ketchup. We can just go clockwise. Ren?

REN
I don’t know what to say.

MAX
Literally anything, that’s the point.

REN
Uhh, I don’t know. I like mustard.

MAX
Okay. Sophia?

SOPHIA
I do not prefer ketchup or mustard. Should I speak to my relish preference instead? I prefer sweet to dill.

MAX
Oh my god, let’s not talk about condiments. That was a bad example. I’ll try again: I usually shower in the morning. Ren? Just a random, boring fact.

REN
I picked up a crumpled dollar bill I saw on the ground on my way here tonight. I don’t know why. Do people even use paper money anymore?

MAX
Uh, I don’t know. Maybe? But, good try! Sophia?

SOPHIA
I watch television on a tablet, not an actual television.

MAX
Okay, great. I, uhh, I have to fill up the gas tank in my car soon.

REN
Sometimes I swallow chewing gum.

SOPHIA
I am human.

MAX
We’ve already established you’re not a robot.

SOPHIA
Yes, exactly. I am a boring human. I am not an interesting robot.

MAX
Oh. Maybe let’s try a different icebreaker. Have you ever played two truths and a lie?

SOPHIA
I have not.

REN
I don’t know if I want to do this.

MAX
Let’s just try, okay? I’ll tell you three things about myself. Two will be true, and one will be a lie. You have to guess which one's the lie.

REN
I’m not good at stuff like this.

SOPHIA
I would actually like to start. Would that be alright with you, Max?

MAX
Yeah, sure!

SOPHIA
Here are three facts about me: I am a human. I am a woman. I am a robot.

REN
(laughs)

MAX
Maybe let’s try something a little less obvious? Something we don’t already know?

SOPHIA
The lie is that I am a robot. Because I am not.

MAX
Yeah, thanks for that. How about this: I hate country music. I know how to drive a stick shift. I go to the movies for the popcorn. So which statement do you think was a lie?

SOPHIA
My guess is that you enjoy movies, not just the popcorn.

REN
Stick shift.

MAX
Ding ding, Ren has it. I cannot drive stick. I tried, but, uhh, I’m not coordinated enough for that. Oh and movie popcorn is the only reason to go to a theatre anymore. And I personally think country music sucks.

REN
Popcorn is so expensive at the movies, my mom never lets us– Nevermind. Is it my turn?

MAX
Mmhmm.

REN
Don’t get mad if I’m bad at this. Uhhh, three things about me. I have a dog. I write poetry. I’m a good singer.

SOPHIA
I have observed several coarse hairs on your pant legs, which appear to be canine, so I believe you do have a dog.

MAX
Yeah, didn't you ask if I could talk to your dog last week?

REN
Oh, right, sorry.

MAX
Well you’re obviously a good singer, because singing is literally your power. So I’m gonna say that you don’t write poetry.

SOPHIA
I concur.

REN
You’re both wrong. I’m tone deaf. Max, do you remember my attempt at singing that jingle last week?

MAX
No, I just remember talking to you, and then sleeping. Sorry.

SOPHIA
That is quite ironic, Ren, to have singing powers, but not be able to carry a tune. Does that make you sad?

REN
Not really, no one’s ever awake to really hear it, so it saves me the embarrassment, I guess.

MAX
So, you write poems?

REN
Yeah. Well, sometimes. They’re just for me, though. They’re personal.

MAX
This is gonna  sound like a stupid question, but do you like to sing? Even though you’re bad at it? Like, if you could do karaoke, would you?

REN
Oh, no, no, I don’t sing anything anymore, not even for fun. Ever since my power manifested, I can’t. I don’t want to hurt anyone again.

SOPHIA
Again? Who have you hurt in the past?

REN
No one. It’s– I– No one. I’m cautious, that’s all.

MAX
So you hate singing?

REN
I don’t know. I used to like it when I was younger, but now it feels… different. It feels heavy.

SOPHIA
How so?

REN
I used to feel, I dunno, free? Like I was myself when I was singing, not pretending to be someone else. I used to dance in the bedroom, sing into a hairbrush. I know, it sounds like a teen movie cliche. Now, the only time I sing is literally when I’m in a costume, pretending to be a hero.

MAX
Hey, don’t say that. You’re not pretending. You’re a sidekick, you help people.

REN
I don’t feel like anything special. I never went to a fancy school to learn about how to be a hero, I just wanna use my power to help people.

MAX
You didn’t miss much. I went to Rose Academy, and all I really got out of it was the love of my falcon, Eloise. Most of my classmates were mean to me. There was this one jerk who gave me a nickname, and made my life hell. I used to beg pigeons to poop on his stupid perfect face, but they’d usually just avoid me because Eloise took to killing and eating any other bird I tried to talk to, so, whoops.

SOPHIA
Sometimes I wonder if I went to college at all. With my power, I do not know if I would have needed to attend a university. Anything they could have taught me, I could easily learn myself.

REN
You don’t know if you went to school?

MAX
Oh, right, you weren’t here the first week. Long story short, Sophia's like a soap opera trope, but with a superhero angle, twist, thing. Complete retrograde amnesia, but with an otherwise perfect memory. Would that be considered irony?

SOPHIA
Yes, that is ironic. It would seem that Ren and I have something in common.

MAX
Maybe we should change the name of this group from Second Fiddles to the Ironic Power Club.

REN
I feel like amnesia is worse than being tone-deaf. Have you tried searching school databases for your name? Maybe you could find out something that way.

SOPHIA
I do not know what my name was prior to waking up without memories, so there is nothing to search for.

REN
What about facial recognition?

SOPHIA
For what?

MAX
Yeah, even my high school made us take these horrible photo for our school IDs.

SOPHIA
I did not… think of that.

MAX
There are always high school yearbooks too. If they’re digitized, you could probably find something. The A-league must have some advanced tech that you could use to find some record of yourself.

SOPHIA
Thank you! I will make the proper inquiries.

MAX
See, Ren? You don’t need a fancy school to be smart and help people. Also, you don’t have a staggering amount of student loan debt, so that’s a plus.

REN
It’s not the same. I never even had the option. I was too busy helping my family.

MAX
Doing what?

REN
Nothing. It-it doesn’t matter. I think it’s Sophia’s turn. We were in the middle of a game, remember?

SOPHIA
Yes, it is my turn.

MAX
Fine, fine.

SOPHIA
Here are three more factoids. I hate ice cream. I have always wanted to build-a-bear.  I may have cracked the downtown bombing case.

MAX
You figured out who set those bombs? That’s great!

REN
Who was it?

SOPHIA
That is a truth, yes, but have you guessed my lie?

MAX
Not the ice cream one, because you’re lactose-intolerant, so you must not want to build-a-bear?

REN
Do you mean, like, the store at the mall where you stuff an animal?

SOPHIA
You are incorrect, Max. I lied about hating ice cream. Despite my allergy, I love ice cream. In small amounts, the pleasure it brings me is worth the pain and suffering.

MAX
So you do want to build-a-bear?

SOPHIA
Yes, very much so. I have no memory of my childhood, so I do not have a favorite old stuffed animal to place on a shelf or to stare at or hold nostalgically during moments of extreme sadness.

MAX
Well now I know what we’re doing for your birthday.

SOPHIA
I do not know the date of my birth, so I have never celebrated it.

REN
That’s really sad, Sophia.

SOPHIA
Yes, I did just mention moments of extreme sadness.

MAX
So. The bombing?

SOPHIA
I discovered tank tread marks, and there is only one villain who travels by tank.

MAX
A tank, in downtown? How did no one notice that?

SOPHIA
It was shrouded from security cameras somehow.

REN
Who drives a tank?

SOPHIA
His name is MacGuffin. He drives the PLOT.

REN
What does that mean?

MAX
MacGuffin used to be the archnemesis of Fourth Wall and the other members of the Old Hero Society. Most people assume he’s dead. Or retired.

REN
I don’t get it, what plot does he drive?

SOPHIA
MacGuffin drives the Powerful Large Offensive Tank, otherwise known as P.L.O.T.

REN
That’s ridiculous.

MAX
Why would MacGuffin be back now? No one’s heard from him since he disappeared from The Island like, what? 30 years ago? Everyone thinks he drowned trying to escape. Wasn’t his tank completely destroyed?

SOPHIA
Acquiring a new tank could have been easy for a supervillain mastermind.

MAX
That’s bonkers. Is the A-league actually trying to track him down?

SOPHIA
Forgive me, Max, but I should not have told you this information. It is classified. The game distracted me. This is probably why I have never been allowed to play a game before.

REN
Sophia!

MAX
Classified intel? What classified intel? I didn’t hear anything! Did you hear anything, Ren?

REN
Nope, nothing at all.

SOPHIA
Thank you for feigning ignorance.

MAX
What are friends for?

SOPHIA
I do not know, I have never had friends.

MAX
Well, get used to it.

SOPHIA
I shall do my best.

SOUND: PHONE VIBRATION

MAX
Uh, oh. I may have to cut this meeting short.

REN
Is something wrong?

MAX
It’s Tammy. She texted for me to come join her, but considering the spelling errors, I’m pretty sure she’s getting wasted right now. I think I have to go find her and bring her home. Otherwise she's gonna get the sonic hiccups and destroy the entire bar.

SOPHIA
Do you need any assistance?

MAX
No, it’s fine, it’s not the first time I’ve done it his week. Ever since she came back from that audition…

REN
That’s okay, I get it. Family comes first. Sophia, my family isn’t expecting me home for a little while. Wanna go grab some coffee somewhere? I can tell you all about my, umm, my little sister’s stuffed animal collection.

SOPHIA
Oh, yes, that would be wonderful. In movies and television, grabbing coffee is often a subtle way of asking someone on a date. I am not interested in you romantically. Would you still like to proceed?

REN
Don’t worry, I’m straight. I’m pretty sure you’re like a decade older than me, anyway.

MAX
Good thing Tammy's not here, she’d lay into you for being ageist.

REN
That’s not what I mean. I’m only 19, and… you’re both like, real adults.

MAX
I’m not that much older than you.

SOPHIA
I actually do not know precisely how old I am. When I woke up 7 years ago, it was surmised that I was at least 20 years old.

REN
You’re weird. I like it. Also, I really like coffee. Sound good?

SOPHIA
I also like coffee.

REN
Good. I know a really great place, it’s only a few blocks away.

SOPHIA
Let us depart. Good luck with your sister, Max.

MAX
Thanks. I don’t need luck, though, just a sonic muzzle, a lot of water, and maybe some ibuprofen. Enjoy your coffee.

REN
Thanks. See you next week!

MAX
Bye.


MAX
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Ren is voiced by Kristy Barkan, Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime, and Fourth Wall is voiced by John Pupo. Thanks for listening!