FOURTH WALL
Previously, on Second Fiddles, we met Ren, who accidentally used her power to sing our other sidekicks to sleep, which is unfortunate, considering Tammy had an audition the next morning. Lucky for you, that’s where we’re about to join her! Let’s begin.

MAX: Episode 4, Security Blanket.

TAMMY
Hi. Can I sit here?

LINUS
Uh, no, sorry. There’s someone invisible sitting in this chair.

TAMMY
Invisidude, hey! You’ve been avoiding my texts, and it’s kind of annoying.

LINUS
I was joking.

TAMMY
Oh. Jokes normally work better when they’re funny.

LINUS
Ouch.

TAMMY
So?

LINUS
So what?

TAMMY
Can I sit here?

LINUS
Yeah, whatever.

TAMMY
Thank you, such a gentleman.

LINUS
This isn’t the only empty seat in the waiting room. I’m trying to focus.

TAMMY
It’s not like an audition for a musical. You don’t need to memorize lines or learn choreography. Unless I’m wrong. Is this an audition for Sweeney Todd? I take it you’re here for the sidekick job, too?

LINUS
You're very astute. And nosy.

TAMMY
I like to know my competition. Did everyone else already go in?

LINUS
Mhmm. I’ve been waiting for two hours, and you just arrived late, but yeah, looks like we’re the last two.

TAMMY
I’m not usually late, but someone sang me to sleep last night and I didn’t set an alarm.

LINUS
Sang you to sleep? Like a baby?

TAMMY
It’s a long story, which I’m not going to tell you. Don’t worry your pretty little head over it.

LINUS
You think I’m pretty?

TAMMY
It’s an expression.

LINUS
Now I know why you wanted to sit next to me.

TAMMY
Don’t flatter yourself. I’m Pitch, by the way, master of sonic vocal manipulation since the early 90’s.

LINUS
I’m Security Blanket. Force-field generation. The early 90’s?

TAMMY
Not exactly. My powers didn’t develop when I was born. Could you imagine me as a baby in the hospital, tearing all the skin off every nurse’s face whenever I screamed? That sounds messy.

LINUS
Uh, I don’t care about that. I’m just surprised someone your age is still auditioning to be a sidekick.

TAMMY
Are you shaming me for being old? I’m not even 30 yet.

LINUS
Oh god, could you imagine a 30 year old sidekick?
I would die.

TAMMY
That could be arranged. How long since the last person went in?

LINUS
The last guy auditioning actually left about 5 minutes before you got here. Fourth Wall’s secretary went in to talk to him and hasn’t come back out yet.

TAMMY
I think secretary is kind of a sexist term. She’s probably an administrative assistant or something.

LINUS
Well, I don’t care what his job title is, but he was answering phones at that desk over there, so I thought he was the secretary.

TAMMY
Okay, well, I could be wrong. Maybe I’m a little sexist too.

LINUS
You don’t have to talk to me.

TAMMY
Well, sitting in silence is boring. And you don’t look boring. Hence the talking.

LINUS
I know, I look pretty.

TAMMY
It was an expression. I think I’m gonna to call you Wet Blanket. That sounds better than Security Blanket. You’re kind of a downer.

LINUS
Is downer better than boring? Or at least better than being old and washed up?

TAMMY
Don’t call me old. I’m only like what, five years older than you?

LINUS
I graduated from college two years ago.

TAMMY
So, yeah. Not that much older. Did you do civilian school?

LINUS
No, I went to super-school. Rose Academy. I majored in Heroic Leadership.

TAMMY
Good ole’ Supe-U. You must know my brother, Max. He graduated the same year as you.

LINUS
What was his major?

TAMMY
Team support.

LINUS
Oh, one of those. Was that your major, too?

TAMMY
I only went for a semester. Wasn’t my thing. I wanted to go out in the world and get my hands dirty.

LINUS
How did that work out for you?

TAMMY
More than my hands got dirty. So, do you remember my brother, Max?

LINUS
I probably had a class with him. What’s his power?

TAMMY
He, uh, talks to– His power is animal communication.

LINUS
Oh, man, you’re Doolots’s sister? Yeah, I remember that weirdo. He could talk to birds flying around campus, and they would crap on his head.

TAMMY
Sounds like Max… What did you call him?

LINUS
What, is “weirdo” off limits too? Did I make another microaggression?

TAMMY
One time, last year, I had a tousle with a henchie named Microaggression. I think her power was to shrink and get really angry. I don’t know, it was something like that. And yeah, Max is a weirdo, I’ll agree with you on that point. What was the other thing you called him? Dulips?

LINUS
Oh. No. He was Doolots. I honestly didn’t know his name was Max.

TAMMY
I’m shocked I haven’t heard this one before. Spill the tea, I need the backstory.

LINUS
I really need to focus before the audition. What was your name again? BLEEP?

TAMMY
Ha. Ha. It’s Pitch, not BLEEP.

LINUS
Well, Pitch, in our public speaking class, your brother gave a speech on how he hopes to be a hero who helps animals and makes the world a better place, like Doctor Doolittle, but he didn’t want to do little, he wanted to do... lots.

TAMMY
Wow, that’s a terrible joke.

LINUS
Someone, uh, called him Doolots afterward, and the name stuck.

TAMMY
So not only am I learning that my brother is even more embarrassing than I thought, but he had also a funny nickname he managed to keep from me for years?

LINUS
If I’d known he had a hot sister, I would've been a little nicer to him.

TAMMY
Ew, seriously? First you call me old, then you call me hot? Sorry, negging really doesn’t work on me.

LINUS
Hey, you said I was pretty. And maybe I’m into older women.

TAMMY
Guys into older women know better than to call them older women.

LINUS
Hm. From what it sounds like, you’re pretty experienced. Maybe I could learn something from you.

TAMMY
Excuse me?

LINUS
Don’t flatter yourself. I’m talking about sidekicking. Sounds like you’ve been around the block a few times. Any tips for my audition?

TAMMY
You’re my competition, remember?

LINUS
Think of it as a friendly competition.

TAMMY
My advice? Be yourself. Being a hero is standing up for what you believe. If you lie about that, or pretend to be someone you aren’t, what’s the point?

LINUS
I can see why you’re unemployed.

TAMMY
Hmm. My brother and I just started a support group for sidekicks. If you ever get as jaded as me, feel free to come vent your frustrations. Or not. I can’t tell if I hate you yet.

LINUS
I’m capable. And I’m not worried about getting a job. Rose City has the most heroes per capita of any major city. And villains, I suppose.

TAMMY
Do you ever wonder why Rose City has so many sidekicks?

LINUS
I always figured it was because Rose Academy’s here, and all of the young, eager wannabe heroes need a place to start off, so the heroes are a little more welcoming?

TAMMY
Nice try, but no. When do heroes need a new sidekick?

LINUS
When their former sidekick gets a promotion to be a full time hero. That’s the goal. Do your time as a sidekick. Prove yourself. Join the A-league.

TAMMY
Is that what’s on your vision board? Sure, that happens sometimes. But around here, the sidekicks tend to disappear.

LINUS
What do you mean?

TAMMY
They may die. They may quit the hero business and move back home to sell real estate. Or they may get fired for not being the right fit.

LINUS
Is that what happened to you? You got fired?

TAMMY
No, I quit my last hero.

LINUS
That doesn’t really surprise me. You seem stubborn.

TAMMY
I appreciate the compliment.

LINUS
So what exactly is your point? Sidekicks are easily expendable?

TAMMY
He has a brain, too! Wow! You weren’t wrong, Rose Academy pumps out a lot of potential heroes. You got the what, but not the why. Back when the Hero Society was saving the world every other week, they started taking on sidekicks. Some of them grew up to become future league members, but many others didn’t make the cut. The ones who survived started Rose Academy. You know what they say, those who can’t do, teach.

LINUS
That’s fairly insulting. I had some amazing teachers.

TAMMY
I’m sure you did. Anyway, the heroes here started devaluing sidekicks. Before, a sidekick was a once-in-a-career relationship. A mentorship. A special tutelage. Now, we’re just glorified, super-powered red shirts. It’s a broken system.

LINUS
If the system is so broken, why are you a part of it?

TAMMY
I promised my brother I would get a job.

LINUS
It sounds like you should go solo.

TAMMY
That’s the dream, but family comes first.

LINUS
If you’re trying to get in my head and make me feel bad for you, it’s not working. I’m gonna kill this audition.

TAMMY
Believe me, I have no interest in your head.

LINUS
Oh?

TAMMY
Getting in your head.

LINUS
What’s in your bag? Looks big.

TAMMY
It’s, uh, none of your business.

LINUS
Is it food? I’m starving.

TAMMY
No. Who brings snacks to an audition?

LINUS
I didn’t say snacks. It could be an entire meal, with how big it is. Or are you one of those ladies with a huge purse filled with junk and wadded up tissues? My grandma had a purse like that. When she was alive. But, she’s dead now.

TAMMY
You are the least charming man I’ve ever met.

LINUS
Good thing I’m pretty, grandma.

TAMMY
Shut up, it’s nothing, just a power–

LINUS
Power what? Did you bring a power enhancer?

TAMMY
Power dampener.

LINUS
What?

TAMMY
It’s a power dampener.

LINUS
What’s it for, screwing with your competition?

TAMMY
It’s for me. My brother asked me to wear it for the audition, but I can’t bring myself to do it.

LINUS
Good, don’t. It looks like a muzzle.

TAMMY
You just got ten percent more attractive.

LINUS
Why would he ask you to wear it?

TAMMY
Sometimes when I get nervous, I get the hiccups.

LINUS
Okay…

TAMMY
And when I get the hiccups, sometimes my power affects them. And things blow up. Or I damage some ear drums.

LINUS
Has this happened at other auditions?

TAMMY
Only recently, since I quit my job. It happened last week, and it was pretty bad.

LINUS
Good thing I can make my forcefields sound-proof.

TAMMY
Really? You can?

LINUS
Why, does that turn you on?

TAMMY
You’re a slime ball, Wet Blanket.

LINUS
If you’re not gonna call me Security Blanket, at least call me Linus.

TAMMY
Ah, now the alias makes more sense.

LINUS
I thought it was cute.

TAMMY
It is.

LINUS
But not as cute as me?

TAMMY
Pretty is not the same as cute. I’m Tammy.

LINUS
I would say nice to meet you, but this whole exchange has either been rather antagonistic, or maybe sexually charged. I’m gonna say both.

TAMMY
You wish.

SOUND: INTERCOM BEEP

FOURTH WALL
Hello potential sidekicks. Sorry to keep you waiting.

TAMMY
He has an intercom? That’s retro.

FOURTH WALL
Pitch, you will not be seeing Fourth Wall today.

LINUS
That’s what you get for being late.

FOURTH WALL
You too, Security Blanket. He will not be seeing anyone else today.

LINUS
What? Seriously? I’ve been waiting for hours.

TAMMY
Simmer down.

FOURTH WALL
Fourth Wall knows everything he needs to. He'll be choosing a new sidekick soon.

LINUS
He hasn’t even met me! I could be way better than whoever he picked.

TAMMY
He doesn’t need to meet you, dude.

LINUS
Yes, he does. This isn’t fair.

FOURTH WALL
If you need it, they will validate parking at the front desk in the lobby. Thanks for coming!

SOUND: INTERCOM BEEP

LINUS
This is bull-BLEEP. Why are you smiling?

TAMMY
It didn’t occur to me until now. We didn’t even need to come here today. No one did.

LINUS
Yeah, obviously, it was a waste of time.

TAMMY
He’s a clairvoyant, dummy. He knows all. Sees all. Well, most. Sees most. Why would he even need auditions?

LINUS
To meet someone in person? To judge their character and ask them questions?

TAMMY
I don’t buy it. There was another reason for this. I just need to figure out what.

LINUS
Why, are you a detective?

TAMMY
I don’t like being played. I get rejected all the time. That, I can handle. You, however, need a thicker skin. How many of these auditions have you been to?

LINUS
This may have been my first time getting into the final round. I normally don’t get past the second round. I’ve never met with a hero before.

TAMMY
Apparently when you have a forcefield, having thick skin isn’t an issue.

LINUS
What’s that supposed to mean?

TAMMY
I could psychoanalyze you, make assumptions about your family, your life, the silver spoon you were probably raised with, but honestly, I’m really hungry. Wanna go grab a burrito? There’s usually a food truck parked a few blocks away from here.

LINUS
Did you just insinuate that I’m an entitled brat and ask me out to lunch at the same time?

TAMMY
You said it, not me. When you get this close to a gig, the rejection stings harder. I get it. With my field record, I don’t even have to go through the initial rounds anymore, I just get fast-tracked to the final audition or told not to bother, so every audition feels like this for me. It always hurts, but it lessens over time.

LINUS
That’s not helpful. I’m better than this. I was at the top of my class at the Academy. I should be on my way to joining the A-league by now.

TAMMY
Technically, my brother was valedictorian, so you weren’t exactly the top of your class.

LINUS
Don’t remind me. Doolots didn’t have any human friends, so all he did was study.

TAMMY
I would normally defend my brother, but that behavior tracks. Honestly, though, being a hero is his passion. He puts everything into it, heart and soul. Why else would he work for a giant alien deer? He loves every moment he’s able to help the cause.

LINUS
He works for the Stag? And since when has the Stag been an alien? I thought he was created from radiation or something.

TAMMY
Yeah, Max is Buck. You might’ve seen him as that guy who translates for the Stag whenever he makes a public appearance. And no, he’s not officially an alien, but that’s my personal opinion. Max will neither confirm nor deny.

LINUS
Well, a weird job for a weird kid, I guess.

TAMMY
So. Burrito?

LINUS
Uh, no thanks. Can I take a raincheck?

TAMMY
Here, take my phone and put in your number. And don’t get the wrong idea. This is for food, and only food.

LINUS
I like to eat a lot of different things.

TAMMY
Wow. Give me my phone back before I regret it.

LINUS
Fine. Here. It’s under W, for Wet Blanket. I gotta go. See you soon, Tammy. For eating.

TAMMY
Hey! I’ll send you the details for our support group. If you ever, you know, need support.

LINUS
I doubt it!

TAMMY
God, he’s pretty.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING

FOURTH WALL
Pitch, now that Security Blanket has left, can I speak with you in private?

TAMMY
What? Why?

FOURTH WALL
Please, come in.

TAMMY
Am I still being considered for the job?

FOURTH WALL
No, that’s off the table, but there is something important to discuss.

TAMMY
Okay…

FOURTH WALL
I promise, you won’t regret this.

TAMMY
This’d better be good, I’m giving up a BLEEPing burrito for this.

MAX: In this episode of Second Fiddles, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Fourth Wall is voiced by John Pupo, and Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi. Thanks for listening!