Episode 1 – Max & Tammy

01 - Max and Tammy

FOURTH WALL

Welcome to Rose City! Chock full of heroes, sidekicks, villains, and their assorted hench...persons, Rose City is one of earth’s many hubs for superpowered people. What’s that, you wanna know where these powers come from? Well, listener, this is not an origin story, so it shouldn’t matter! Fine. Let’s just say it’s a rare genetic mutation, and leave it at that. Our story begins with a lonely young man who’s starting a support group for his fellow sidekicks. He might be doing it to make a difference, but he’s most likely just looking for friends. He’s honestly pretty desperate. Let’s begin!

SOUND: OPENING MUSIC

MAX
Episode 1, Max and Tammy.

MAX
Hi, everybody. My name’s Max, and I’m a sidekick. Some of you might know me as Buck, The Stag’s loyal right hand man, or would that be right hoof man? And some of you might not know me at all.  I don’t know if you ever feel like this, but sometimes, I really don’t feel... appreciated. Being a sidekick is like, I don’t know, eating cotton candy in the rain. It’s enjoyable, but you’re rushing to salvage some sweetness before it melts away. You try your best, but it’s impossible to eat all of it. In the end, even if you’ve done a good job, your hands are sticky.  Yes, I work for The Stag, a giant sentient deer who shoots laser beams out of his eye balls. He's not just a superhero, he's a super-deer-o.

Now, I can't do anything flashy, like fly, or walk through walls, or even… make sonic screams, like my sister, Pitch. My gift is what I like to call animal telepathy. I can communicate with most animals, hence why I was the perfect choice to start sidekicking for the Stag.

Lately, I'm feeling overlooked. I'm sick of always playing second fiddle. Sidekicks aren’t personal assistants, we’re heroes in training. We’re the next generation. We’re the future.

I… thought this support group could be a safe space for us to vent about our sidekick issues, and maybe make some connections other than our fists to criminal's faces. There's more to life than just "saving the day.”

Anyway, thank you for coming to the first ever meeting of our sidekick support group.

TAMMY
Maxi.

MAX
BLEEP! Don't be such a creeper, Tammy!

TAMMY
Who are you talking to? Is Invisidude here?

MAX
No, no one's here yet. I was, I was practicing my introduction to the group. Monologuing is hard!

TAMMY
Oh my god, you're such a nerd.

MAX
Eat me.

TAMMY
No, thanks. I prefer chocolate over Skittles.

MAX
What's that supposed to mean?

TAMMY
I don't wanna taste the rainbow.

MAX
Uhh… What?

TAMMY
Because you said “eat me.” And you're super gay. Like a rainbow.

MAX
Ohhhh, Skittles. I get it now. You BLEEP!

TAMMY
Nerd.

MAX
You know I'm not a super “rainbow gay.” Just because I'm out of the closet doesn't mean I'm secure enough to advertise it.

TAMMY
Eh, the way you walk does that for you.

MAX
Well, you're, like, a really BLEEPing mean sister.

TAMMY
Solid come-back.

MAX
Well, since you heard my intro… Do you think it’ll work?

TAMMY
When the real meeting starts, puh-lease don’t say any of that "cotton candy in the rain" stuff. As far as analogies go, it’s… weak. And oddly specific.

MAX
I don't know what I'm doing. We don't even have a name for the group yet.

TAMMY
Well you kinda need to settle on something, fast.

MAX
I was thinking of an acronym, like H.I.T. for Heroes In Training? Or F.I.S.T. for Friends in Stressful Times.

TAMMY
I would rather die than join a group called FIST.
What else ya got?

MAX
What about United Super Support Regiment? Oh, uh no, wait, I can't use USSR… or can I?

TAMMY
Do you have anything that's NOT a BLEEPy acronym?

MAX
Maybe… Tagalongs?

TAMMY
That’s a girl scout cookie.

MAX
Really?

TAMMY
They’re peanut butter. Look it up.

MAX
Ugh. I suck at naming stuff!

TAMMY
What was that thing you said in your crappy introduction? About always playing second fiddle? Why not use that? We could be… the Second Fiddles!

MAX
I… don’t actually hate that. Unless people think I play the violin or something.

TAMMY
See, I’m good for something. What would you do without me?

MAX
Without you, I would actually have some privacy.

TAMMY
Hey, I'm not here all the time.

MAX
I just wish you were working again. Having to juggle sidekicking with my shifts at Pet Universe is starting to wear me out. It doesn't help that our rent keeps going up.

TAMMY
Hey, stop holding the job thing over my head. You know I can’t go back to living with Mom and Dad. 

MAX
Have you tried talking to them?  Ew, don’t give me that look, I’m trying to help. When I saw Mom last week, she did ask how you were doing.

TAMMY
Max! Did you tell her about my job?

MAX
Don’t worry, I skirted the topic. She still doesn’t know you got fired. Honestly, though, that would’ve probably given her some relief.

TAMMY
I wasn’t fired, I quit.

MAX
Yeah, I still don’t believe you. You were sidekicking for Slap for what, 4 months? You have to play the long game, like me. Get some street cred!

TAMMY
Did you actually just use the term street cred?

MAX
Did you actually just turn into a giant BLEEP?

TAMMY
No, I was born that way.

MAX
I really wish you could’ve stuck it out with Slap for a little longer. I still can’t believe you were working for the B-league.

TAMMY
Eh, it wasn’t that great.

MAX
I love my job, but sidekicking for a reserve member of the C-league comes with zero prestige.

TAMMY
Yeah, the only person lower than you on the hero hierarchy is a cop, and the RCPD is mostly useless.

MAX
I’m not a headliner, I get that. That’s why I majored in Team Support at Rose Academy. Talking to squirrels and pigeons isn’t ever going to save Rose City, but sometimes I’m helpful.

TAMMY
Maybe you would be more effective if animals didn’t hate your BLEEPing guts.

MAX
That’s not true.  I mean, hate is a strong word.

TAMMY
Tell that to the evil hamster at work you’re always BLEEPing and moaning about.

MAX
His name is Bubbles.

TAMMY
Didn’t you say that Bubbles called you a douchebag last week?

MAX
Repeatedly.

TAMMY
How does a hamster know what a douche is?

MAX
I don’t want to talk about it.  Maybe I wouldn’t have to work with those evil little demon rodents at Pet Universe if you’d stayed with Slap a little longer.

TAMMY
Don’t be a BLEEP. I have another audition next week.

MAX
I take it the one you had this morning didn’t pan out?

TAMMY
You could say that.

MAX
What happened?

TAMMY
I got the hiccups.

MAX
Oh, Tammy. I’m sorry.

TAMMY
Yup.

MAX
How much damage did you do?

TAMMY
To my surroundings, or to my career?

MAX
Did you forget to bring your power dampener?

TAMMY
That thing is inhumane. It makes me feel like a dog wearing a muzzle.

MAX
Hey, if the shoe fits...

TAMMY
I’m not wearing that thing. I normally have control of my powers.

MAX
Normally being the key word. I literally cannot afford for you to have a bad day, lose control, sneeze, and shatter everything in the kitchen.  Again. It’s a good thing we don’t have anything made of glass or ceramic anymore. And thank god we had the windows replaced with heavy-duty plastic.

TAMMY
Hey, I didn’t really break much today. Just a few windows. And a glass door. And maybe an eardrum or two. Or… six.

MAX
Holy BLEEP, Tam, you’re gonna get locked up and sent to the BLEEPing Island if you’re not more careful. Your sonic screams are so destructive!

TAMMY
They weren’t screams, they were… sonic hiccups.

MAX
You need to wear your power dampener at your next audition.

TAMMY
It’s a muzzle. And no. Leave it alone.

MAX
Fine. Sorry.  Geez. So, who’s your audition with next week, if I may ask.

TAMMY
One of the members of the Old Hero Society. He’s a… clairvoyant. He calls himself “Fourth Wall.”

MAX
Oh, I know Fourth Wall. The Stag teamed up with him last summer to stop Sally Mander, that pyromaniac witch.

TAMMY
Sally Mander? Who names these people?

MAX
I don’t know. Sally was setting forest fires, but we were having trouble tracking her down. I got a few leads from birds in the area, but she was always a few steps ahead. Fourth Wall told us where Sally would be, and we caught her and sent her to the Island. Easy peasy!

TAMMY
So he was… cool? I’ve never auditioned for anyone in the Old Hero Society before. I know those old heroes can be… set in their ways. Like, racist, sexist ways.

MAX
Fourth Wall was nice, but he was a little weird. He kept talking to himself. I thought maybe he had a sidekick who was invisible, like Invisidude, or he was using one of those douchey bluetooth earpieces, but nope, Fourth Wall was just narrating his own life like he was on a tv show or a podcast or something.

TAMMY
Hm. Speaking of Invisidude, I wonder if he’s coming to the meeting tonight.

MAX
Did you invite him?

TAMMY
I think so. I kind of lost the list you gave me, so I winged it.

MAX
And you’re just telling me this now?

TAMMY
This is what you get for putting me in charge of texting out the invitations.

MAX
Texting? You were supposed to send emails. No one’s gonna take this seriously, Tammy.

TAMMY
I’m not taking this seriously. Also, stop whining. No one reads emails anymore.

MAX
Well? Did Invisidude RSVP?

TAMMY
What? No, I didn’t ask anyone to RSVP.

MAX
Oh my god, you had one BLEEPing job, Tammy! You’re supposed to be the older, responsible one.

TAMMY
What’s your deal with Invisidude anyway? Are you still mad about when he beat you out for that sidekicking job with Annie Conda?

MAX
No, Annie Conda sees the infrared spectrum, because–

TAMMY
Because she’s part snake?

MAX
Yeah, hence the name Annie Conda.

TAMMY
Yeah, I get it. I’m not an idiot.

MAX
Coulda fooled me. Anyway, she can actually see where Invisidude is, by his heat signature, or whatever, which comes in handy when your sidekick’s invisible. Besides, if I got the job with Annie Conda, I would’ve never auditioned for The Stag.

TAMMY
Then why do you care so much about him coming here?

MAX
I don’t. He’s just, like, super cool?

TAMMY
Mmhmm. He probably won’t come anyway, no one ever goes to the first meeting of anything.

MAX
Thanks. Great. Real confidence boost. What time is it?

TAMMY
Almost eight.

MAX
What time did you say in the invitation?

TAMMY
Eight.  Ish.

MAX
Ugh. Do you think we should be in costume? Put on our masks?

TAMMY
We can’t be a support group if we’re keeping a million secrets. No one’s going to open up. Isn’t that what you want? Free group therapy?

MAX
It’s not exactly free, I bought the booze and the food.

TAMMY
Wow, those bags of gas station potato chips and pretzels really broke the bank.

MAX
I got a variety, shut up. So… Mask or no mask? Do we want to be anonymous?

TAMMY
We’re sidekicks, not alcoholics. And stop saying we, this was your idea. I’m just being a good sister.

MAX
Pff, well, that’s questionable. And I know I’m not an alcoholic.

TAMMY
What’s that supposed to mean?

MAX
You have been hitting the boxed wine pretty hard lately.

TAMMY
What can I say, I like grape juice.

MAX
Tammy…

TAMMY
Maxi, we’re not talking about this.

MAX
Tam, you can’t keep everything bottled in…

SOUND: THREE KNOCKS AT THE DOOR

MAX
Holy BLEEP, someone’s here!

TAMMY
Wow, I was not expecting that.

MAX
So, mask? No mask?

TAMMY
No mask. We’re already in our apartment. Not really anonymous, right?

MAX
Good point.  Oh my god, was that a mistake? Should we be doing this at a Denny’s or something?

TAMMY
Too late now.

MAX
Crap. Okay, okay. Okay. Let’s do this. Oh, and Tammy… Please don’t kill anyone.

TAMMY
No promises.

SOUND: KNOCKING
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS
SOUND: DOOR OPENING

MAX
Uhh, hi? 

PIZZA DELIVERY PERSON
Hey man, I have your pizza.

MAX
I think you have the wrong address.

TAMMY
Nope, that’s for me. Thanks!

SOUND: PAPER BILLS CRINKLING AND EXCHANGED

TAMMY
Keep the change!

PIZZA DELIVERY PERSON
Thanks. Have a good one!

SOUND: DOOR SHUT

MAX
Why the hell did you order pizza? I had this all planned out!

TAMMY
When I texted everyone, I mentioned food. Your snacks and bags of wine are pretty lame. You want to make a good first impression.

MAX
First impression for who? No one’s coming. Also, I got soda, too.

TAMMY
(scoffs)

MAX
Are you trying to sabotage me?

TAMMY
Ordering a pizza is me trying to help you. I want this to go well for you. Maybe if you have something else in your life, you won’t be so far up my BLEEP all the time about getting a job.

MAX
Am I really nagging you that much?

TAMMY
Yeah. Every time we’re in the same room.

MAX
Gross, I don’t want to be that kind of brother. Sorry. I’m just worried. If you want, you could tell me why you quit sidekicking for Slap?

TAMMY
Oh, now you care?

MAX
I should probably hear you out before judging.

TAMMY
That would be a first.

MAX
I’m really trying to be a good listener.

TAMMY
Fine.

MAX
Well?

TAMMY
It started with our names. Slap’s the hero, so obviously we were “Slap and her sidekick Pitch,” but I kept suggesting a combo name, because Pitch-Slap is like, so perfect.

MAX
It really is.

TAMMY
So, when we caught that creepy lady with the bug-wings who was using ice cream trucks to kidnap little kids–

MAX
Oh right, the Dairy Fairy.

TAMMY
Yeah, after we took down the Dairy Fairy, there was a reporter who came over to me and didn’t know who we were. He interviewed me on camera while Slap was cleaning melted ice cream off of her giant hands.

MAX
I still don’t know why she went by the name Slap instead of like, Punch.

TAMMY
Punch is a beverage. And stop interrupting me.

MAX
Sorry. So what happened?

TAMMY
Anyway, the reporter asked me who the children of Rose City should thank for taking down the Dairy Fairy, and without thinking, I said “they can thank Pitch Slap for saving the day!”

MAX
Pitch-Slap really is a good name.

TAMMY
I know, right? Slap didn’t think so. As soon as the cameras left, and we were alone, she said I should change my name from Pitch to BLEEP. She said I was just a sidekick and I was never going to make it in this business.

MAX
Tam...

TAMMY
I could’ve liquified her face with my voice, but I just stood there, all desperate and pathetic, and actually begged for a second chance.  She... she said there was a way I could... make it up to her. I could fix it all if I–

MAX
If you what?

TAMMY
I really don’t want to talk about it.

MAX
Sis. If you what?

TAMMY
If I... If I sucked on her fingers.

MAX
Excuse me?

TAMMY
It would seem her giant hands are for more than just slapping criminals with justice! They’re also good for being rapey. Apparently, they’re super sensitive to touch, and she likes it when girls suck on her fingers.

MAX
Oh my god, that’s so many levels of wrong. What did you do?

TAMMY
Well, that’s when I quit. I told her to BLEEP off and keep her giant hands to herself.

MAX
Yeah, Pitch only uses her mouth to fight crime, not for sex things!

TAMMY
Oh, I definitely use my mouth for sex things, but not for creepy molester BLEEPs.

MAX
Aww, I’m proud of you!

TAMMY
What’s the point of being a hero if you don’t stand up for yourself? That’s why I do what I do.  Or what I try to do.

MAX
I’m really sorry. That’s weird. And awful. If you tell Mom and Dad, maybe they won’t be so–

TAMMY
No, absolutely not.

MAX
At least it would reinforce what I keep telling them about your sexual preferences.

TAMMY
Yeah, ever since you came out, they’re just waiting for me to announce that I’m a lesbian. Well, sorry to disappoint, Mom and Dad, but I still like the D! Sooo much D.

MAX
Speaking of D, I decided to delete all of my dating apps last night. I’m having trouble trusting anyone. What if some villainous henchman figures out who I am and pretends to like me to get close to The Stag. I can’t be responsible for that!

TAMMY
Oh, honey, no, you’ll never be famous enough for that to happen. Try meeting guys the normal way, like at a bar, or at your other job, or a truck stop at one of those bathroom gloryholes or whatever it is you guys do.

MAX
Ew, don’t be a BLEEP. First of all, are gloryholes even real? Or is that just like an urban legend? And second of all, if they are real, wouldn’t they be super unsanitary?

TAMMY
Okay, fine, ignore the truck stop thing, but still, like maybe go to a bar or even a coffee shop. There’s like one on every street in this town.

MAX
Ew, going to bars is like, so two-thousand and five. Bars are slimy. And I don’t really like coffee. Ugh, no one’s going to want to date my civilian side. I really want to stop nagging you about getting a job, especially now that I know why you quit, but I hate working at Pet Universe. Making minimum wage while hamsters squeak death threats at me isn’t exactly the life I’d always hoped for. I mean, I was valedictorian at Rose Academy. That should mean something.

TAMMY
I know, you remind me about being valedictorian at least once a week. Hey, what if you try dating another sidekick? That way you don’t have to worry about keeping secrets, and you can say that your pet store thing is a cover!

MAX
I wouldn’t even know where to start. It’s not like there’s an app for sidekicks. But if there was, it should definitely be called Kickr?

TAMMY
Please trademark that.

MAX
I also don’t want to come out to all the other sidekicks. At least, not yet. I spend more time around animals than people lately, and animals don’t care about my sexuality. People, on the other hand...

TAMMY
People suck.

MAX
But you don’t suck.  On giant fingers.

TAMMY
BLEEP yeah! Screw Slap and her massive hands.

MAX
I think I need to focus on my career, not my love life. And I’ve never been a fan of random hookups.

TAMMY
What if it was a hookup with a certain sidekick that you’re obsessed with?

MAX
What? I’m not obsessed with anyone.

TAMMY
The way you talk about Invisidude, you’re totally obsessed.

MAX
Shut up, Tampon, you don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know what he looks like, for one thing, and we know nothing about him.

TAMMY
That’s the point, Maxi-pad, You always want what you can’t have. You give yourself unattainable goals and then you whine when you fail. And your whining is so annoying.

MAX
That’s not true. I don’t whine! Oh, BLEEP. Okay, yeah, I whine. Is that true?

TAMMY
Totally true.

MAX
Damn it.

TAMMY
Have you ever even spoken to Invisidude?

MAX
Yeah. Before my audition to Annie Conda it was just the two of us waiting together for a while, and…

TAMMY
And what? You talked about your attraction to hard-to-get over-achievers?

MAX
No, it was just– okay, there was a vibe. Rather than try to get in my head and mess with me before the audition, he was… sweet. He was encouraging, and friendly, and tried to ease my nerves. I was actually happy when he got the job, because he deserved it.

TAMMY
Oh, come on, that’s stupid. One guy treated you with a hint of decency and you lost sense of the prize. No wonder you work for a giant deer.

MAX
It’s not like that, he was just– nevermind.

TAMMY
Oh my god, that’s why you were upset that he didn’t RSVP? Heh, you want to jump his invisible bones!

MAX
Tammy!

SOUND: THREE KNOCKS AT THE DOOR

MAX
Oh my god, did you order more food?

TAMMY
No, I think someone’s actually here!

MAX
Really? I am not ready for this.

TAMMY
Max, you’ve been talking about this forever. Now’s your chance to actually do it.

MAX
You know, my whole life, I’ve always wanted to be left-handed. I wanted to be different, but only a little bit, not in a way that really mattered.

TAMMY
Instead, you ended up as a gay superhero sidekick. You know, in a decade or two, if you haven’t been kidnapped or killed by a supervillain seeking revenge against the Stag, you could totally write a memoir. You could call it, “I’m here, I’m queer, and I worked for a deer.”

SOUND: THREE MORE TENTATIVE KNOCKS AT THE DOOR

MAX
I should really get that.

TAMMY
Buck up, Buck. You got this.

MAX
If you say so.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING

MAX
Hi! Hi, are you here for the support group? Welcome to…

TAMMY
 Second Fiddles.

MAX
Second Fiddles!

SOUND: MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, and all other voices provided by John Pupo. Thanks for listening!

SOUND: MUSIC