FADE IN THEME MUSIC

MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Shapeshifting alien sexpot Chameleon has adopted Danger Damsel’s abandoned baby and is raising it gender-neutral. Max semi-broke up with Invisidude because of his stealthy spying, and, well, I should mention that during the lengthy time jump between seasons 2 and 3, Chameleon became an active member of Second Fiddles. Maybe you’ll hear about it in flashbacks, but probably not. Let’s begin!

MAT
Episode 35, Doolots.

SFX: MUSIC FADE OUT

MAX
Hey, Cam? Chameleon? Are you home?

CAM
Who’s there?

MAX
It’s Max!

CAM
Hold on a second!

MAX
Sorry if this is a bad time. I was checking in with Doc Healy and I figured you were still here with the baby, so I thought I’d pop in to say hi!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

CAM
That’s okay! I was just rocking this adorable little parasite to sleep!

MAX
Oh! This must be the baby I’ve heard so much about! Did I come at a bad time?

CAM
No, you’re good. B.S. sleeps like a log. As long as I keep rocking, they keep sleeping.

MAX
Oh, well, that’s lucky. Did you say B.S.?

CAM
Baby Stevie, sorry. Bad habit.

MAX
Yeah, it is a little confusing.

CAM
So, what’s up? You said something about Doc Healy?

MAX
Oh, yeah. I was in for a check up. He’s always worried about neck issues from my antlers, but my new regeneration power helps with that.

CAM
Well, that’s good. I mean, what would you do, go to a chiropractor for antler-neck?

MAX
Yeah, I doubt there’s anyone qualified for that. Last year, I traveled to see a bad-ass healer, Hazel, to see if she could get rid of my antlers, but it didn’t work. I did get to hang with a teenage half-orc, and I talked to a tiny dragon, so at least it wasn’t a complete waste of time!

CAM
No BLEEP?

MAX
Yeah, it was a whole crossover episode thing. I can tell you more about it later if you want.

CAM
(laughs) Okay. So, Max, I wanted to apologize for not coming to any Second Fiddle meetings lately. With the baby, it’s been impossible.

MAX
Oh, don’t apologize, I get it. I mean, I don’t completely get it, because I’m not a parent, but I once raised a falcon chick, so, I dunno, that might partially qualify. Eloise had to be fed every couple hours for a super long time. I didn’t sleep through the night for what felt like years.

CAM
I’ve never raised a bird, so I have no clue!  Has anyone been coming to the meetings? I mean, anyone new?

MAX
Other than the ones I live with? No, it’s just us. Sophia’s finally back in town, but she’s been busy trying to find her sister, she’s been AWOL. Oh, and–umm, Elijah… hasn’t been coming lately.

CAM
That sucks… It sounds like Second Fiddles is petering out, and you had such a good thing going.

MAX
It normally turns into a movie night. It’s the one time each week I can guilt Tammy and Linus into forgoing an all-night sex-a-athon to hang out with me, but I’m not gonna stop holding meetings. I just met someone new who might come to the next meeting. She has the best alias, too: Kelli-kopter.

CAM
That’s so bad! Oh, you were serious. Umm, maybe she’ll help distract you from– uhh–

MAX
From missing Elijah?

CAM
Well… yeah. 

MAX
It’s okay. I know you two are close. Have you guys… talked recently?

CAM
Oh, BLEEP no, I’m not doing that whole friend-in-the-middle thing, so if the real reason you stopped by was to ask about how he’s doing, I’m gonna tell you the same thing I told him: If you really want to know, just send a text. Or a dick pic!

MAX
Geez, I get it! And no, I didn’t come here to talk about him, I actually wanted to check on you. I’m curious how the whole baby thing’s going.

CAM
It could be better. Could be worse. I don’t know.  Why do you keep staring at them so intently?

MAX
I don’t know. I’m the youngest person in my family, so I’ve never really interacted with a baby before. They’re kind of intimidating.

CAM
Max. Sweetheart. You’re intimidated by a sleeping baby? You’re the youngest? Oh, that tracks.

MAX
What’s that supposed to mean?

CAM
Wait, have you even held a baby before?

MAX
Definitely not. I’ve never even touched a baby. Their little fingers and toes look so fragile, it’s weird.

CAM
It’s not weird, it’s cute. And yeah, babies are pretty delicate, but they’re also tougher than you give them credit for. I’m not gonna make you hold B.S.—I mean Stevie, sorry—because if you turn your head the wrong way you could gore them with an antler prong, but if you want to, I dunno, hold their hand, you could try.

MAX
Really? I can touch your baby?

CAM
Well, not if you make it sound creepy.

MAX
Yes, I would love to touch your baby.

CAM
Not better.

MAX
Whatever. So, can I touch Stevie’s little hand?

CAM
Go for it.

MAX
(deep breath) Okay!  Aww, they’re so warm and soft! And… happy? Uh oh.

CAM
Do not say “uh oh” after you touch my baby.

MAX
Cam, I think I can hear Stevie’s thoughts.

CAM
Holy BLEEP. Do babies even have thoughts?

MAX
It’s like baby animals. I don’t get a monologue, it’s more like… abstract ideas. When I was touching Stevie, I knew they were happy and comfortable.

CAM
Are you sure? There’s not a random mouse or bird outside that’s causing interference?

MAX
Yeah, I’m sure.

CAM
Has this ever happened before?

MAX
I told you, I’ve never touched a baby!

CAM
I mean, with a person. Has your power ever worked with people before?

MAX
No, and I tried a lot when I was a teenager. Even though humans are obviously animals, I can’t hear their thoughts.

CAM
So what’s different this time? Is it because you were touching their hand? Or because they’re sleeping?

MAX
First of all, I have no idea how Stevie’s still asleep, we are so loud, and second, I’m not like Lucid Lucy, I can’t read thoughts through dreams. But, when animals are asleep, I can sense their overall state of mind, like hunger or fear or whatever.

CAM
Like I said, if I keep rocking, they keep sleeping. I wonder if you’ve always been able to hear babies’ thoughts, but you’ve never been this close to one, so you just never knew.

MAX
That would suck. I’m still getting used to shooting laser beams from my eyes, I don’t need another new power to deal with.

CAM
Ooh, fuck, please avert your eyes! And it’s not really a new power, just a facet of your old one. It’s actually pretty cool. If I were insane, I would suggest waking B.S. up to experiment, but there’s no way in hell. They’ve been so hungry, my nipples can barely handle it.

MAX
What? You’re breastfeeding?

CAM
Yeah, I figured out how to manipulate my body to make milk. I just have to stay a fem shape to make it work, which is fine. It’s already my go-to form.

MAX
Oh, right, I keep forgetting.

CAM
Yup. I’m still an alien. Luckily, you’ll never have to see my Kromin form.

MAX
It can’t be that gross.

CAM
Trust me. It’s like the Predator had a baby with Abe Sapien. (gasp) Oh my god. I just had a terrible idea.

MAX
What?

CAM
Touch me.

MAX
What?

CAM
Just grab my arm.

MAX
Okay, fine, but I don’t see why- (gasp) Holy mother of god!

CAM
Is it working?

MAX
How did… How-How did you know?

CAM
You can hear my thoughts, right? I can kinda feel you. It’s like there’s a shadow in my head.

MAX
That’s why animals hate when I do this, they hate that feeling. 

CAM
How does it feel for you?

MAX
It’s… It’s awesome.

CAM
What am I thinking right now?

MAX
You’re thinking about how it’s crazy I can hear your thoughts. Think about something else, like, think about your favorite food, or something totally unrelated.

CAM
Okay!

MAX
Hey! You’re just imagining sex organs!

CAM
I can’t help it! You said think about food, and all I could think was fruit, and a lot of fruit looks like genitals. Look, my species is biologically conditioned to be horny. It is not my fault.

MAX
It’s like with the Stag—I can understand your thoughts pretty clearly. It’s not as vague as animal thoughts, though, probably because we both already know English.

CAM
What does this mean?

MAX
I don’t know, you’re the one who asked me to touch you! Wait, have we never touched before? Like, ever? Not a handshake or fist bump or anything?

CAM
I guess not. I only saw you at Second Fiddles meetings, and most of the time you were holding Elijah’s hand, so I couldn’t even see you, let alone touch you.

MAX
This is so trippy.  Wait, so what made you think I’d be able to do that?

CAM
I’ve had this nervous feeling about Stevie. We assumed they were Spangle’s kid because he and Danger Damsel had–ehhhh, but with all of the trauma that Danger Damsel went through, I couldn’t figure out how she didn’t miscarry.

MAX
What are you saying, that Stevie isn’t Spangle’s baby?

CAM
I think the baby might be…like me. I think the Kromins impregnated Danger Damsel and released her knowing the baby would be born on Earth.

MAX
Seriously? That’s crazy.

CAM
It makes sense. I made Ploonjer promise to never send another Kromin to Earth, but a pregnant woman— it must’ve been enough of a loophole.

MAX
You know, there is a henchie named loophole.

CAM
Get the BLEEP out.

MAX
Loophole was a lawyer, I think, who was able to create little holes in the space time continuum.

CAM
My god, get back on topic!

MAX
So… I can read an aliens’ thoughts when I touch them?

CAM
Kromins, at least.

MAX
Are you positive this baby’s an alien?

CAM
I’ll have Doc Healy run some tests, but I don’t know how to prove anything. When I’m tested, I still present genetically as human.

MAX
This is… a lot.

CAM
I wonder if you can hear my thoughts when we’re not touching. Take a step back.

MAX
Okay. Now what?

CAM
Did it feel differently when you were touching me? Like, different than when you talk to animals?

MAX
Yeah. Well, no. Kind of. It worked the same, but it’s almost like your thoughts were at a different frequency, and when I touched you it helped me make a connection.

CAM
Can you tune into that frequency without touching me?

MAX
I can try. Think about something clearly, like, ummm–

CAM
I’m picturing an eggplant.

MAX
Gross. Okay. Now just keep thinking of the word eggplant, and imagine what it looks like at the same time. Try to paint a picture with imagery and sense memory, too, like what an eggplant feels like, what it tastes like. And please don’t think about dicks.

CAM
That’s gonna be hard.

MAX
Not hard or soft. Focus on the eggplant. Focus on the deep purple color and the shape.

CAM
Come on, man.

MAX
(groan)

CAM
Okay, okay. I’m focusing.

MAX
I got it! I can see it! I just had to… flip a switch.

CAM
What do you mean?

MAX
It’s like one of those magic eye pictures where you have to unfocus your eyes to see the image, except… with my power. It feels weird, but, if we practice enough, I think I’ll be able to get the hang of it. Try to tell me something, but don’t say it outloud.

CAM
Okay.

MAX
You… are happy… you’re… raising an alien baby, because… you’re not alone… anymore. Cam, that’s—

CAM
Max. This is a game changer.

MAX
I meeeean, I don’t encounter aliens that often, so I don’t know how useful it’ll be.

CAM
Who knows? There could be thousands of aliens around and we would have no idea!

MAX
You have a point. Cam, about the baby…

CAM
You heard it yourself, I’m not sad about it. I thought I was drawn to them was because they were Spangle’s baby, but we have an even closer connection. I can raise them to understand who they are, and I can teach them NOT to bang the human race into extinction.

MAX
Oh, yeah, you know, the basics.

CAM
I never quite thought about how your power works. Do you feel emotions, too? Or just hear thoughts?

MAX
I’m not an empath. I can sense that you’re giddy and nervous and worried and excited, but I don’t feel any of those emotions myself. I’m hearing them and seeing them like a scene from a movie. With animals, it’s less detailed, and my brain kind of interprets their intentions into English so I can understand it. I think it’s the same when I reach out to them with my thoughts.

CAM
Will you try that with me?

MAX
Sure? Can you tell what I’m thinking?

CAM
Oh, this feels… slimy. It’s like the shadow you’re casting in my head is talking to me. It’s asking… if I like zucchini?

MAX
I couldn’t stop thinking about phallic foods. You said it feels… slimy?

CAM
It’s like when I see a guy at a bar who I don’t trust near my drink.

MAX
My power feels like I’m gonna roofie you?

CAM
No, just that uneasy feeling when you’re hoping they leave you alone, but they keep looking at you.

MAX
You need to go to different bars.

CAM
Try living with a woman’s body the majority of your life. Pretty much every bar feels like that.

MAX
I already don’t feel super comfortable around most guys, so I don’t doubt you. That skeevy feeling, do you still feel it? Or was it only when I was trying to target you with my thoughts?

CAM
The shadow is still there, like an awkward lingering feeling, but no, I don’t really feel the bad part.

MAX
That’s actually really helpful. I know most animals react badly to me, and now I know why. It makes them distrust me.

CAM
Did you ever ask the Stag about it?

MAX
No, I was always too nervous to ask him, and he never complained.

CAM
Maybe he got used to it? Knowing that the feeling was coming from you made it less threatening.

MAX
Huh. Maybe that’s why Eloise has never hated me, because she’s been around me since she was a chick, so she’s never known anything else.

CAM
I dunno. Maybe.

MAX
I think this could help me in the future. I mean, I can try to tell animals with my thoughts that the feeling is temporary and the sooner they talk to me, the sooner I’ll make it go away.

CAM
You care about them so much. You’re like Doctor Doolittle, but you do so much more. You’re like… Doctor Doolots!

MAX
(groan) Did Elijah tell you to say that?

CAM
What? No. Why?

MAX
Sorry. Doolots was a nickname people used to make fun of me back at Rose Academy.

CAM
Dude, that’s sweet. I don’t know why you’re complaining; my nickname in high school was so much worse.

MAX
Really? What did they call you?

CAM
Slut.

MAX
What?

CAM
You heard me. My sister started it. My homeroom teacher even slipped up one morning when she was taking attendance.

MAX
Your teacher called you a slut?

CAM
Not a slut. Just… Slut.

MAX
Okay, maybe Doolots wasn’t that bad.

CAM
Yeah. Sorry to steal your angst thunder.

MAX
That’s okay. I’m still kind of reeling over the whole alien telepathy thing.

CAM
Yeah. It’s a lot to take in.

MAX
That’s what she said.

CAM
Nice. So. Max.

MAX
So. Cam.

CAM
I’ve changed my mind.

MAX
About what?

CAM
You and Elijah need to talk out your trust issues.

MAX
Oh, about that. Has he said anything to you?

CAM
Of course he has. I’m his friend, too.

MAX
Well?

CAM
Well, what?

MAX
Do you want me to use my power and read your mind?

CAM
Don’t you BLEEPing dare!

MAX
Well, then, are you gonna tell me what he said?

CAM
No, dude, that would make me a horrible friend!

MAX
Then why did you tell me?

CAM
 I literally just said you two should talk out your trust issues.

MAX
It’s not trust issues, it’s just one singular issue.

CAM
Meaning?

MAX
He still trusts me, but I don’t trust him. I didn’t do anything wrong. He’s the one who needs to make it right.

CAM
That’s BLEEPing dumb. Do you hear what you’re saying?

MAX
He spied on me and only told me because he got caught.

CAM
You’re in a relationship. Or at least, you were. Relationships are about communication, which is a two-way street. Maybe he didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell you, did you think of that? 

MAX
I don’t know. I don’t think so.

CAM
What was the first secret Elijah ever kept from you?

MAX
Umm, he and Tammy lied about him being at all of our Second Fiddles meetings. He was there the entire time, and most of us had no idea.

CAM
And when you found out, how did you react?

MAX
I, umm, I— Oh, crap.

CAM
I wasn’t asking hypothetically, I want you to answer.

MAX
I kind of… accused him of sleeping with my sister, stormed out, and then got kidnapped by Sally and MacGuffin. Ugh, I was so angry I… wasn’t paying attention.

CAM
And do you think that reaction was justified?

MAX
Hey, I forgave him! I wouldn’t’ve ever started dating him if I didn’t trust him.

CAM
Oh, are you sure about that?

MAX
(sigh) What are you getting at?

CAM
Did you actually forgive him, or did you let your lust override your brain when you found out he was actually into you? Did you ever tell him you forgave him, or did you treat it like it never happened?

MAX
I don’t know, maybe? I mean, I must’ve said it. I think. No, I totally did.

CAM
You don’t sound very sure.

MAX
Since when are you all of a sudden a relationship counselor? Have you ever even been in a long-term relationship?

CAM
I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on my life lately, and I realized I never told Captain Spangles how I felt about him. I assumed, since I was his sidekick, he wouldn’t feel the same way, but I’ll never  actually know because we never talked about it. And you know what? That’s B.S.

MAX
B.S. the baby?

CAM
Okay, I’ll start calling them Stevie. Anyway, communication is the key to every relationship, whether it’s between heroes and sidekicks, or romantic partners. If you don’t tell the other person how you feel about things, how are they going to know? It’s not that deep.

MAX
That’s what she said.

CAM
You only get one of those per day!

MAX
Okay, so if what you’re saying is true – and I’m not saying it is – Elijah maybe associates telling me invisibility-related secrets with me freaking out and putting myself in danger. Does that sound right?

CAM
I don’t know, dooooees it?

MAX
(sigh) It does. It really does. BLEEP.

CAM
Sucks to suck, huh? Also, please don’t swear in front of the baby.

MAX
But they’re asleep.

CAM
That doesn’t matter!

MAX
Hey, you said eff and ess earlier, and you called me an asshat, and we both said the word slut.

CAM
An ass is a body part, and slut isn’t a curse word.

MAX
Well it’s not a good word for a baby to hear. Imagine if that’s their first word?

CAM
Okay, that would be a great story.

MAX
I was wondering why you didn’t sound like a sailor today.

CAM
Yeah, I’m trying to set a good gosh-darn example. So you’ve admitted that your communication skills need some work. What are you gonna actually do about it?

MAX
I don’t know. The more I think about it, I don’t fully understand how hard it’s been for him to be invisible for so long. Spying is kind of his job, and he is really good at it.

CAM
I think spying is pretty much his default state. It’s what he’s comfortable doing, like me being a fem shape.

MAX
It does make sense. It makes way too much sense. You’re right. I’m an idiot.

CAM
I’m intuitive. It’s a gift.

MAX
I do need to talk to Elijah, but I don’t even know where to begin. Does he even want to talk to me?

CAM
Would he talk to you? The love of his life? (sigh) Elijah wears his translucent little heart on his sleeve, and every conversation we’ve had, even if it wasn’t about you, I could tell he was hurting. And that’s without facial cues or body language.

MAX
So you’re saying I’ve hurt him too much?

CAM
Oh my god, you’re stupid. No, I mean, he’s hurting because he misses you and he loves you and he’s lost without you. I thought that was obvious. I mean, you ARE the one who broke up with HIM. He’s probably just waiting for you to come to your senses and apologize and beg for him to take you back.

MAX
Really? Do you think that would work?

CAM
Well, is that what you want?

MAX
I think about him every waking moment. And some sleeping moments, if you count the sex dreams. So many sex dreams.

CAM
I do love me some sex dreams. But, you can’t just shake it out like an Etch-a-Sketch and jump back into things.

MAX
Why not?

CAM
You are a terrible listener.

MAX
Thanks.

CAM
You have to have the hard conversation. And not the phone-sex kind.

MAX
Good one. But, what if we fight again?

CAM
Fights happen. It’s how you resolve them that matters. You have to remember, you’re fighting on the same side.

MAX
Oh fudge it. I wanna talk to him, but I don’t want to make it worse. I am NOT a risk taker. I like planning things and following rules and strategizing. Not knowing how something’s going to turn out really freaks me out.

CAM
Well, then, stay miserable. It’s a solid certainty.

MAX
Hey, I can hear your thoughts now, remember? I can… tell how happy you are. You’re really enjoying this right now, aren’t you?

CAM
Hey! Get out of my head! I just want my friends to be happy, and if I can help you two stubborn twinks reconnect, then yeah, that brings me joy.

MAX
Cam, I’m sorry for dumping this on you.

CAM
That’s what she said.

MAX
Ew. What? Gross.

CAM
(laughs) Go get the invisible man, Max!

MAX
Oh, I can’t. He’s on a mission for the next few days. Linus told me about it.

CAM
So you’re going to stew in these thoughts for days without being able to act on them?

MAX
Yup.

CAM
Oh, that’s anticlimactic. I thought for sure I’d sparked a classic rom-com grand gesture.

MAX
Nope.

CAM
Booooo.

MAX
Look, I deserve to sit with these feelings for a while before I decide what to say.

CAM
Well, good for you.

MAX
I’m gonna head out now. Good luck with Stevie.

CAM
Thanks, but I don’t need luck. I need a live-in nanny.

MAX
I can’t help you there. I can try to babysit every once in a while, if you want.

CAM
Oh no, I don’t need a babysitter with dangerous pointy bones jutting out of their head, but thank you for offering. If I ever need to read their thoughts, though, I’ll let you know.

MAX
I look forward to it! Cam?

CAM
Yeah?

MAX
Thank you.

CAM
For what?

MAX
For calling me out.

CAM
You were always an idiot, I just helped you realize why.

MAX
(laughs) Okay.

CAM
Now, I need to go set Stevie down and shove some food down my throat.

MAX
That’s what she said.

CAM
No. No! Now get outta here, Max.

SFX: FADE IN MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, MAX is voiced by Mat Johnson, CAM is voiced by Allana Langen, and MACGUFFIN is voiced by John Pupo. Writing, editing, and sound design by Mat Johnson, with music by Pete Johnson. Feel free to follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, tumblr at Second Fiddles, and twitter at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2NDFiddles. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!