MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles:  Ren quit the superhero biz, Sophia started searching for her slippery sister, and Max is finally back out in the world sidekicking. Today, to forget about his fight with Invisidude, Max needed an excuse to day-drink, so he’s invited over some friends for brunch. Is this the gayest thing he’s ever done? Other than anal, I mean. Anyway, that’s what’s happening today. Brunch. It’s lame. Let’s begin!

MAT
Episode 34, Brunch.

MAX
Hey, could you two please stop hugging? It started off cute but now your sentimentality is killing my buzz.

REN
Shut your mouth, Max, I’m allowed to hug my best friend as long as I want to!

SOPHIA
Ren, you just referred to me as your BEST friend! As in, better than everyone else!

REN
Yeah, are you surprised?

SOPHIA
I don’t know what I did to deserve such a favored role in your life, but I’m very proud to be your bestie.

REN
Geesh, you didn’t do anything, I just love you, okay? And don’t say bestie, it’s cheesy.

SOPHIA
I love you too, bestie!

MAX
Ren, are you 21 yet? I’m horrible at remembering birthdays.

REN
I never told you when my birthday is. And I’m not going to.

MAX
Well, I made mimosas, and I would rather not serve alcohol to a minor if I can help it.

REN
Afraid of losing your liquor license?

MAX
You know I like to follow the law. I actually waited to have my first sip of alcohol until my 21st birthday.

REN
That doesn’t surprise me. Did you at least get wasted?

MAX
No, I just went to Olive Garden and got a glass of wine with dinner.

REN
I’m embarrassed for you.

SOPHIA
I’m not embarrassed for you, but I must admit that your lack of risk-taking is sometimes disappointing.

MAX
Seriously? But don’t you do everything by the book?

SOPHIA
I certainly make an effort to appear that way, but I’ve been known to bend the rules on occasion. One time, I drove an automobile 3 miles per hour over the speed limit. I’m a rebel. And I’ll never, ever be any good.

REN
This is why Sophia’s my favorite.

MAX
Fine. You took public transit, I’m assuming, so drink whatever you want.

REN
Sounds good to me. Just make sure to leave a glass for my friend from school. Based on her last text, she should be here any minute now!

SOPHIA
So who is this new friend you’ve been spending time with? Should I be afraid of losing my bestie status?

REN
Oh psshh, don’t get your panties in a bunch.

SOPHIA
I know that’s an expression, but just to clarify, my undergarments are not bunched or gathered in any way.

MAX
Yeah, I’m a little curious, too. When you asked to bring a plus one, I figured it would be your boyfriend.

REN
No, Bram’s teaching a ceramics workshop this morning, so he couldn’t come. Besides, I assumed brunch was like a girls and gays sorta thing.

SOPHIA
Do straight men not eat brunch?

MAX
I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want the straights to ruin brunch for me. Anyway, unless your friend’s queer, it’s just the one gay today. Elijah and I still aren’t really talking. We’ve been texting a little, but it’s super awkward right now.

REN
Yeah, Sophia told me about your breakup. I’m really sorry, Max. I know how much he means to you.

MAX
Maybe we need time apart to figure out what we really need.

SOPHIA
Do you believe that?

MAX
No, not one bit. I just want to forget about it all and go back to how things were, but I can’t forgive him yet.

REN
Before this turns into another all-about-Max whining sesh, what do you want to know about my friend?

SFX: KNOCK AT DOOR

MAX
Hey, it seems like we don’t have to wait anymore!

REN
Yeah, that should be her. I hope you guys like her! She’s really… peppy, just to warn you.

MAX
Peppy? I like peppy!

SFX: DOOR CREAKING OPEN

MAX
Hi! Are you Ren’s friend?

GALE
Oh my goodness, you’re Maxim Loft!

MAX
Uh, yes I am. You’re a really firm hugger, aren’t you?

GALE
You bet!

MAX
Come on in.

GALE
Thanks!

SFX: DOOR CLOSE

REN
Hey, Gale! Welcome to our weird brunch thing!

GALE
Hi, Ren! Thanks for inviting me!

REN
No problem. Gale, this is Sophia, and this is–

GALE
Oh my goodness, I’ve heard so much about you already! I can’t wait to be your friend, Sophia!

SOPHIA
Nice to meet you, Gale.

REN
And I was going to introduce you to Max, but you apparently already know him…? What’s up with that?

GALE
I was a freshman at Rose Academy when he was a senior. I never quite worked up the courage to talk to him, because I was just a lowly underclassman, but hey! Here I am! It’s destiny.

MAX
I knew you looked familiar! Welcome to my crappy apartment. Did you find it okay?

GALE
Yeah, Ren’s directions were perfect. She told me to look for the door with the badly scraped frame. Looks like those new antlers of yours are causing quite a lot of damage!

MAX
Yeah, no matter how long I have them, sometimes I forget to turn sideways through doorways. You should see the hallway to my room, we had to remove the decorations on the walls because I kept knocking everything down.

GALE
Well, I think they look distinguished. I was really sorry when I heard about the Stag’s passing. I’m glad Buck has boldly bounced back!

MAX
Thanks. I still miss him. I don’t miss the ever-present threat of lyme disease, though. He attracted ticks like you wouldn’t believe.

GALE
Are Tammy and Linus joining us today? Or is this everyone?

REN
This is all of us. Wait, I haven’t mentioned Tammy or Linus to you, have I?

GALE
Nope! But I knew Pitch was Max’s sister from when I auditioned to be her sidekick last year!

REN
Seriously? You never told me that!

GALE
Yeah, I was a little embarrassed that I didn’t get hired, but she never ended up taking a sidekick anyway, so I probably shouldn’t feel bad. She and Linus are so cute together!

SOPHIA
How do you know Linus? Did Pitch tell you about him during your audition?

GALE
Oh, no, he was my mentor at Rose Academy. I’m studying Team Support, and I was assigned to study with him because he was a Heroic Leadership major.

MAX
Oh my god, I remember you now, you’re Gale the Tail! You were like his shadow that entire year.

GALE
That’s me!

SOPHIA
Gale the tail? What does that nickname refer to?

GALE
Oh, I have a tail. You can’t see it under my skirt. Hold on, I’ll show you.

SOPHIA
(happy gasp) It’s delightful! Your tail looks like that of a feathered therapod!

GALE
Yup, it’s a dinosaur tail. Sounds like you know your dinos!

SOPHIA
I know a lot. My power enables me to have a perfect memory.

GALE
Oh my goodness… You’re Recall! I never knew what you looked like under your goggles! Ren, you never told me your best friend was flippin’ RECALL!

REN
In hindsight, there’s a lot I probably should’ve told you before coming here.

GALE
Wow. Just… wow. I get to hang out with Buck and Recall at the same time. Max, can I touch your antlers?

MAX
Uh, what?

GALE
Sorry, I’m getting carried away. I’ve been a big fan of yours since Rose Academy, Max, and I just can’t believe I’m here right now. I could just die!

REN
Huh? You’re fanboying over Max?

GALE
I mean, he talks to ANIMALS, and now he has these awesome antlers. He looks like a mythical demigod.

MAX
Wow. I don’t even know what to say to that.

REN
Just be glad she knows who you are, that’s more than most people can say!

SOPHIA
Max, your ears are turning red. I haven’t seen you blush in quite some time!

REN
Yeah, you haven’t made that face since before you and Invisidude started dating.

GALE
HOLY POOP, you guys know Invisidude? And Max is DATING him? This just keeps getting better!

MAX
We’re on a break. Let’s not talk about it, okay? I wanted to have you all over for brunch so I could forget about my issues. Would anyone like a mimosa?

SOPHIA
I do not drink alcohol, but I will have some orange juice!

REN
Sorry for bringing up ID, Max. And yes, keep the bubbly flowing! Gale? Do you want any?

GALE
Sure, I’m 21!

MAX
See, Ren, she knows the law.

REN
Whatever.

GALE
Aww, Max is so lawful good, isn’t he?

MAX
What?

GALE
Or maybe just neutral good, I can’t tell yet.

MAX
What are you talking about?

GALE
Oh, I like to characterize superheroes and sidekicks as D&D characters. In Dungeons and Dragons, every character has an alignment!

REN
Did I forget to mention that Gale is a giant nerd?

MAX
Alignment? What’s that mean?

GALE
Everyone is either Neutral, Chaotic, or Lawful, and those traits are combined with either Good, Evil, or Neutral. Most heroes are lawful or neutral good, and vigilantes tend to be chaotic good.

REN
I should chime in before we go off on a tangent like usual. Gale and I first met because when I started at Rose Academy earlier this semester, they had her meet with me and show me around because we’re both part-time commuter students, so, which is pretty uncommon.

MAX
What does that have to do with dungeons and dragons?

REN
I’m getting to that. So, I found out that Gale was homeschooled, and I assumed she was crazy religious, but she eventually told me why. Okay, Gale, you tell the rest.

GALE
I don’t know why you always think this is so interesting. (sigh). Okay, so, my parents are LARPers, and they used to travel all across the country, playing in different campaigns. Public school didn’t fit into the equation, so I went with them and learned along the way!

MAX
I’m at least nerdy enough to know what LARPing is, thank god. So, Gale, you were, like, essentially raised by roleplayers?

GALE
Yup! So like I said, I kind of think of everyone’s superhero identity as a character they’re playing.

MAX
You’re not wrong. I act differently when I put my mask on. I mean, I used to. I don’t have a civilian life anymore. Actually, why DO I still wear a mask? The antlers are clearly a give-away.

SOPHIA
Gale, I’m fascinated by your method of classifying people. Since I normally make my decisions based on logic, what would that make me?

GALE
You might be True Neutral, but I would have to get to know you better to find out.

SOPHIA
Then we shall become friends.

GALE
Oh boy, that would be amazing! Would you ever want to try role playing? I’m a great teacher! You could start with a tabletop game to learn how it works.

SOPHIA
I would be interested, yes. Ren, have you joined Gale in her role-playing?

REN
No, it doesn’t interest me. At all. But I think it’s super fascinating, like in a much less offensive people-of-walmart kind of way.

MAX
Before we really fall into a conversation hole, does anyone want any food? This is my first attempt at brunch, so I decided on mimosas with eggs, pastries, and fruit. As you can see on the counter, I have grapes, pineapple, and strawberries. I know most fruit platters have some cantaloupe, but honestly, who actually likes melon?

REN
I need carbs. What kind of pastries do you have?

MAX
I bought some danishes. Oh, and for the eggs, I didn’t want to do anything hot, so I made deviled eggs.

REN
Eww, for brunch? Deviled eggs are not a brunch food.

MAX
They’re eggs! It counts!

SOPHIA
I am not a huge fan of mustard or mayonnaise.

MAX
I didn’t use mayonnaise, uh, gross. We were always a miracle whip family, not a mayo family. If the deviled eggs aren’t a little sweet, what’s the point?

REN
Ugh, I think I just threw up in my mouth.

GALE
I’ll try anything you make, Max!

REN
Calm down, Gale. Keep it in your pants.

GALE
I can’t help but fawn over Max. Get it? Fawn? Like a baby deer?

REN
I’m sure he gets it.

SOPHIA
You know, Tammy once mentioned a henchperson named Miracle Whip.

MAX
Let me guess, they’re a… religious zealot who… attacks people with a whip in the name of god?

SOPHIA
You are incorrect, Max, but nice try. Miracle Whip used to be a republican house party whip who came back from the dead. I’m assuming the resurrection was the miracle that inspired his henchperson alias.

REN
Are we talking full-on Lazarus resurrection or an undead situation?

GALE
Yeah, and what kind of undead? Zombie, ghoul, wight, lich, ghast, mummy, vampire?

REN
I don’t think any of those things are real, Gale, they’re just D&D monsters.

MAX
Well, I’m not sure about the undead, but witches, dragons and orcs are real, I can tell you that.

GALE
What? Really?

MAX
That’s a story for another day. It was in a crossover episode!

SOPHIA
To answer your multiple questions about Miracle Whip with the same response: I don’t know. Tammy didn’t tell me.

REN
Fine. Gale, you mentioned vigilantes being, what, chaotic?

GALE
Chaotic good, if they’re like a Robin Hood type. Why? Do you know any vigilantes?

REN
No, not really, but on the way over today, I think I saw that wallcrawler vigilante who’s been splashed around the newspapers lately.

SOPHIA
Where did you see him?

REN
I thought I saw a figure climbing the outside of a building, but I didn’t get a good look.

MAX
That’s weird. I wonder who he is. Back in college I knew a guy who could make his hands and feet stick to stuff.

GALE
Was it someone I might’ve met?

MAX
No, he transferred to the hero university center in London after our sophomore year, so I doubt he’d be in Rose City.

SOPHIA
Was he a friend of yours?

MAX
That’s not exactly a word I would use to describe our relationship.

REN
You were in a relationship?

MAX
I’m not talking about boys today. I need another mimosa.

REN
You’re no fun. Sophia, how’s your search for your sister going?

SOPHIA
Not well. Frankie is… difficult to track down. I haven’t had any luck yet, but I have a meeting with Fourth Wall tomorrow to see if his clairvoyance can locate her.

REN
That’s good! I hope you find her.

SOPHIA
I do as well. Speaking of sisters, Ren, how is your sister Cassie doing? Are you still helping her with her powers?

REN
Cassie’s fine. We haven’t been able to classify her power yet. We thought she was like a human compass, but it’s not consistent. Sshe’s displayed at least one other ability since we started testing stuff out.

MAX
Not consistent?

REN
Yeah, she’s able to locate things when she needs to, but not if she just wants to. If she’s lost, she knows how to find her way home, but when we’re in the grocery store I can’t just ask her to point to the ice cream aisle, because she doesn’t NEED ice cream, she only wants it. Does that make sense?

SOPHIA
Despite my lactose-intolerance, sometimes I just NEED ice cream, but yes, it makes sense. What was the other ability she demonstrated?

REN
Well, we were taking a walk last week and she tripped and fell. Before she face-planted into the sidewalk, she caught herself mid-air. She just kind of floated there for a second until she could right herself.

MAX
Seriously? She floated?

REN
Yeah, her feet were not touching the ground. It was trippy.

GALE
Maybe she’s like me, and I can teach her to fly!

MAX
You can fly? I remember you making wind, but I didn’t realize you could do more.

GALE
Yeah, I’ve leveled up a bit. I can fly or hover when I’m outdoors. That’s why I want to use the alias Kelli-kopter!

MAX
Oh my god, that’s so bad it’s good. It’s perfect.

GALE
I’ll show you sometime, if you want!

MAX
Sure, that’d be cool. I want to talk more about Cassie, first. I love an unclassifiable passive power mystery. At first, before we realized I could telepathically communicate with animals, I thought I was hearing ghosts.

SOPHIA
That must have been quite upsetting.

MAX
It was actually really cool. We didn’t ever have any dogs or cats around when we were growing up, so when my powers developed, I didn’t realize I was hearing the thoughts of the birds outside my window, and the neighbor’s outdoor cat. I mean, as far as ghosts go, they were really lame, because they mostly talked about finding and eating food. Animals with tiny brains don’t have much going on up there thought-wise.

REN
Does that include Eloise?

GALE
Who’s Eloise?

MAX
She’s my falcon friend. And yeah, most of the space in a falcon’s brain is reserved for their eyesight, but she’s not a complete dummy. I like to think that imprinting on an animal telepath helped boost her intelligence a tiny bit. That’s why when we switched bodies, she could understand and speak English.

GALE
You switched bodies?

MAX
Yeah, but it was only for like 10 minutes. I got to fly, though!

GALE
It’s amazing, isn’t it?

MAX
Yeah, for real.

REN
He’s leaving out the part where he pooped his pants.

MAX
That wasn’t my fault!

SOPHIA
(sigh) Ren, have you asked any of your professors at Rose Academy if they could meet with Cassie to help evaluate her power?

REN
Oh, yeah. She has an appointment set up for next month. She’s a senior in high school this year, and she applied to Rose Academy, but she’s on a wait list until they figure out her powers. They wanted to see her for a lengthy in-person evaluation sorta thing.

SOPHIA
Based on what you’ve said, maybe her power is based on adaptation or survival.

REN
That’s what we were thinking, but passive powers are kind of uncommon, and I’ve never heard of anyone who could do anything like that before.

SOPHIA
I hope you’re able to discern the extent of her abilities sooner rather than later. For your mother’s sake.

REN
Thanks. Me too. Honestly, at first, Mom freaked out over Cassie having powers, but now it seems like they help her out when she’s in sticky situations, so she’s much happier with her than she was with me and my powers.

MAX
Well, that’s something. Ren, are you liking Rose Academy so far, or are you missing the sidekicking hustle?

REN
Ha ha ha! Oh, you’re serious. I don’t miss it at all. I don’t miss Lucid Lucy, I don’t miss having to take notes while she rambled incoherently, and I really like the structure of school. I’m not the best student in the world, but I get by. It’s nice to have something to look forward to, ya know?

MAX
Yeah, I get that. So, you’re juggling part-time classes, a job working at your boyfriend’s art studio, and… are you still working any shifts at Pet Universe?

REN
Yeah, I typically work there like one day a week to keep my discount for Giles’ food. He’s become an expensive dog with bougie tastes in kibble. I think he’s missing Eliot.

GALE
I know Giles is Ren’s dog, but who’s Eliot?

SOPHIA
Eliot is my cat. When I’ve had to go out of town — once to California to find my mother, and also when I spent some time in a far distant galaxy – Ren’s family watched Eliot for me. Giles and Eliot used to have a contentious relationship, but once Eliot stopped hissing and hiding under the bed, they learned to get along! Or, at least, to tolerate each other.

GALE
Did you say you were in another galaxy?

SOPHIA
Yes, it was a season 2 storyline.

GALE
I don’t know what that means!

MAX
Hey, why is no one eating the deviled eggs?

REN
They look gross.

MAX
Here, I’ll prove they’re not disgusting. See? Mmm, delicious.

REN
Watching you eat the food that you made isn’t going to convince me to try your nasty sweet eggs.

MAX
Fine. More for me!

GALE
I’ll try one if you come play D&D with me.

MAX
I don’t know, is it super complicated? I’ve never role-played before.

SOPHIA
That isn’t true, Max. According to Chameleon, you and Invisidude used to role play during your intergalactic phone calls.

MAX
It’s not the same kind of roleplaying, Sophia, and you know it!

GALE
Hey, imagine it’s like sexy roleplaying but without the sex! And you can be an elf or halfling or half-orc or whoever you want!

MAX
I do have an active imagination, but I’m only doing it if Ren’s doing it.

REN
Not gonna happen.

MAX
Okay, then, if Sophia’s doing it.

SOPHIA
Oh, my! I would love to!

GALE
Really? You’d be willing to try?

SOPHIA
Of course, I love new experiences. Are there any books I should read to prepare myself?

GALE
There are SO many books and manuals, you won’t even know what to do with yourself!

SOPHIA
Marvelous! I love reading!

MAX
What did I just agree to?

GALE
I can’t believe I’m gonna be campaigning with Buck and Recall! Maybe I should play the lottery, because it’s my lucky day!

REN
Could I come too? I don’t want to play, but I would LOVE to watch these two try. I’d be willing to pay good money.

GALE
The more the merrier! I’ve been working on creating a really fun adventure the last couple months, and I can tweak it to make it a little easier for beginners. This is gonna be so much fun!

MAX
When I invited you all here for brunch, I was hoping to just daydrink and whine about Elijah the entire time.

SOPHIA
Have we failed to meet your expectations?

MAX
No, it’s just that, I didn’t realize how much I needed to have some friend time. I don’t even want to think about my relationship right now, I’d rather just enjoy my time with you.

REN
If you want, I could talk about my relationship! Yes, Bram is tall and jacked and makes pottery for a living, so we’ve totally tried the whole sexy shirtless ghost-pottery thing. It was kinda messy, but I didn’t hate it. Making out is really hard when your partner is like a foot taller than you, though.

MAX
Not if you’re horizontal.

SOPHIA
Max!

REN
Hey, he’s not wrong.

SOPHIA
Is this whole conversation going to devolve into sexual stories?

MAX
Isn’t that what brunch is for?

SOPHIA
I thought brunch was a combination of breakfast and lunch.

MAX
You’re smart, Sophia, but you have so much to learn.

GALE
This is my first time brunching, but it’s fun so far! You throw a great brunch, Max!

REN
Gale, what did I say about sucking up? He already agreed to play D&D with you, you can pull your head out of his butt now.

GALE
It’s not every day you get to eat gross eggs with superheroes!

MAX
Aww, come on, leave the eggs alone.

SOPHIA
I should’ve expected this behavior. 

SOUND: FADE IN MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, MAX is voiced by Mat Johnson, SOPHIA is voiced by Robyn Rime, REN is voiced by Kristy Barkan, GALE is voiced by Betsy Harris, and MacGuffin is voiced by John Pupo. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson.

Feel free to follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, tumblr at Second Fiddles, and twitter at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2-N-D-Fiddles. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!