31 - Tabloids

MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles: My sweet little Sally killed Blue Moon, a popular herotube influencer, during a livestream, outing us both as supervillains in the process. She’s been on a mission for me while I hide out somewhere a little more... tropical. My son Linus can barely show his face in public without being hounded for being related to a powerful evil genius. Oh, what a hard life. It’s time to check in on my children. At least, the two you know of. Let’s begin.

MAT
Episode 31: Tabloids

SALLY
Hey! I’ve been looking for you!

LINUS
I’m not giving any more interviews. Leave me alone!

SALLY
Brother, it’s me!

LINUS
Sally? Oh my god, you look like BLEEP!

SALLY
Don’t be a jerk. Daddy told me you learned how to make force fields that can turn us invisible, so could you hide us so we can talk?

LINUS
What, no threat to melt my face off?

SALLY
Linus. Please. I need help.

LINUS
Fine.

SOUND: FORCE FIELD SWOOSH

SALLY
Thank you.

LINUS
It isn’t like you to be thankful. What gives?

SALLY
My life is awful! You’re the only one who gets it.

LINUS
Why, because the paparazzi have been up my BLEEP? I’ve been living like a hermit when I’m not in costume. I’m just getting back from work right now. How did you know where to find me?

SALLY
Daddy texted me the address. He’s in hiding, and he won’t tell me where he is!

LINUS
Are you surprised? Because of you, everyone knows I’m the brother of Sally Mander and the son of MacGuffin. I’m a BLEEPing pariah!

SALLY
Aww, that reminds me of Pariah Scary.

LINUS
Who?

SALLY
She was a member of my henchwoman squad, the Hot Mamas.

LINUS
Was she your friend?

SALLY
Oh, no, she was the worst. I melted her shoes to her feet, then made her run off a cliff.

LINUS
Holy BLEEP. What did she do to deserve that?

SALLY
She brought me a latte with whole milk in it. WHOLE. MILK.

LINUS
Remind me, why am I protecting you right now?

SALLY
Because we’re family, stupid!

LINUS
That’s not a great reason. (sigh) But I know it’s probably Dad’s fault you turned out like this, so I’ll entertain the idea of helping you. What have you been up to since you killed one of my favorite herotubers?

SALLY
Ugh, if I’d known how big of a deal it was going to be, I would’ve never killed that Blue Moon guy! He’s caused me so much trouble!

LINUS
I think your murdering of him is actually the problem.

SALLY
Whatever. I had to dye my hair BLEEP brown, and I’ve been wearing my glasses instead of my contacts. And I’m wearing clothes from a department store!

LINUS
That’s pretty much your natural hair color anyway. No, what I meant was, what’ve you been doing? It’s been months since that April fools episode. If you’re not with Dad, where have you been living?

SALLY
One of our family’s unofficial holdings by the docks. Remember where I held little Bucky boy captive before that sexy Karen BLEEP sang me to sleep? I’ve been staying there.

LINUS
Sexy? Oh, right, she told me about how you… had a chat at Pet Universe. Could you please just leave Ren alone? She’s not even in the hero business anymore.

SALLY
Really? What a pity. I liked her.

LINUS
I’m sure you did. (sigh) Have you been eating okay? You don’t look great.

SALLY
I’ve been eating take-out a lot. It’s ruining my skin. I’m also trying not to wear makeup because Daddy thinks it helps disguise me.

LINUS
Well, he’s right. I barely recognized you. I honestly thought you were a reporter or someone asking for a statement. It’s been a nightmare. And it’s not just journalists and paparazzi, literally anyone with a phone can take a video.

SALLY
Have the police questioned you?

LINUS
Yeah, months ago. The commissioner was let in on my superhero identity with the B-league, and I was as cooperative as possible. I wasn’t very helpful, though, because I honestly didn’t know where either of you were hiding.

SALLY
Do you remember when we were younger and my makeup tutorials started going viral? Wherever we went, people would wanna take selfies with me. I miss people loving me. Now they just want to see me burn. Well, the joke’s on them, I’m immune to fire!

LINUS
Yeah, I remember the first time we showed up in the tabloids. It was surreal. They said I was dating a supermodel.

SALLY
Yeah, they posted those pics of us from our trip to the beach and speculated if I had an eating disorder.

LINUS
Being semi-famous had its perks for a while.

SALLY
Like when you got that offer to go on Prancing with the Stars?

LINUS
Yeah, for a horse-dancing competition, that was pretty cool. Considering my childhood equestrian lessons, I should’ve made it further than week 3. That lasted about as long as your attempt at an acting career.

SALLY
Hey, I thought being cast as a Power Rangers villain was going to help my career, not kill it! I thought I did an amazing job as Rita Repulsa’s love child with Finster.

LINUS
Oh, right! Frita Repulsa. I’m not gonna lie, you were awful.

SALLY
(laughs) Yeah, I was pretty bad.

LINUS
Sally, do you ever think of how things used to be? When Mom was around? I know the two of you didn’t get along, but… sometimes I miss being a family.

SALLY
I’ve had a lot of time these last few months, and I’ve been thinking of Mom a lot. It makes me so angry, I want to start burning things.

LINUS
I know, me too. Not the burning, but the anger. When I think about how dad treated her, it makes my blood boil.

SALLY
What? No, I’m angry about how she treated him. I mean, she just left us without a word. Not like she was ever really with us to begin with. She was always living in one of her books, or wishing she was. She kept trying to get me to play with some creepy American Girl doll because it came with a book or whatever. She never understood me.

LINUS
Sally, when you played with dolls, you dissected them and fused their body parts together in different combinations.

SALLY
I still can’t believe I wasn’t credited with the original idea for that Human Centipede movie. I made one with Barbies and Skippers when I was like six years old. Dr. Ken had a lot of fun with those surgeries!

LINUS
I really don’t understand how we’re related.

SALLY
Oh whatever, you love me! Otherwise, you would’ve called the cops the moment you saw me today.

LINUS
I’m a superhero now, I shouldn’t be helping you. What does that say about me?

SALLY
Oh, right, you’re half of “Pitchforce” now. Do I still refer to you as Security Blanket, or are you just “Force?”

LINUS
I’m trying to use “Force.” Tammy says having a six syllable name is overkill, but I kinda miss Security Blanket.

SALLY
What’s it like, being in the B-league? I’ve only been able to kill a C-league hero so far.

LINUS
I don’t know, it’s my first real job, so I have nothing to compare it to.

SALLY
What does the B stand for, anyway? Is it for Backup?

LINUS
I mean, we kind of are back-up for the A league sometimes, but no, they don’t stand for anything. You’d think Rose City’s finest heroes would have a little more creativity, right?

SALLY
It was established by old men. They’re always boring. Except for Daddy, he’s a visionary.

LINUS
What about our uncle, Fourth Wall? He used to be in the A-league before he stepped down and formed the Old Hero Society.

SALLY
Considering I haven’t seen him since I was like 5, I don’t really have an opinion.

LINUS
Good point. I almost reconnected with him when Dad sent me to that audition where I met Tammy. I was kinda happy when he sent me away, I didn’t even know what to say to him. I’m assuming he would’ve known who I was, and he saved us both from an awkward family reunion.

SALLY
Yeah, that would’ve been awkward.

LINUS
Oh, well. I guess I’m just glad I met Tammy.

SALLY
Even though I’d like to flay her alive, I must admit, I’ve never seen you this happy before. You were always so mopey and serious before meeting her. Now you’re, like, I dunno, more fun?

LINUS
Thanks, I think. Tammy’s great. She’s been helping me hide from the media a lot lately. Last week she used her power to shatter the lenses of all the cameras around us, just in case someone wanted to take a picture. I think she likes having a reason to destroy things.

SALLY
I think people will lose interest soon. Most of the headlines this week have been about that vigilante who keeps rescuing people around the city.

LINUS
Oh, right, the wallcrawler.

SALLY
That’s not his name.

LINUS
I know, but that’s what one of the reporters called him. Maybe it’ll stick when he finally announces himself publicly.

SALLY
I doubt it. When he punched me in the face last week, I called him Wallcrawler, and he said that name was total cringe.

LINUS
Excuse me— punched you in the face?

SALLY
Yeah, he caught me starting dumpster fires when I was bored, and we had a bit of a scuffle. He’s a fast little booger. I didn’t even singe his BLEEP homemade costume!

LINUS
Well, it sounds like you’re keeping discrete and staying hidden. Dad must be proud!

SALLY
Hey, finding this girl has been harder than I thought it was going to be.

LINUS
What girl?

SALLY
I don’t know. That’s the problem!

LINUS
You’re trying to find a girl, but you don’t know who she is?

SALLY
Exactly! Daddy said I had to find her because she’s really important, but he doesn’t know her name or anything about her other than she lives in Rose City and I have to prevent her from meeting your group of loser sidekick friends.

LINUS
Why are you telling me?

SALLY
It’s not like you can make it worse! You can’t protect her from me because you don’t know who she is, and I can’t charbroil her flesh if I don’t know who I’m looking for.

LINUS
Well I’m glad you can’t find her, whoever she is. If I do meet her, you can be sure I’m going to keep her far away from you.

SALLY
Your whole vibe lately is about protecting people, isn’t it?

LINUS
Of course! I make force fields. Protection is kind of implied.

SALLY
Hey, you can do other stuff. You’re making us invisible right now. And remember all those times Daddy tried to get you to use your power offensively?

LINUS
I refuse to use my airtight forcefields on people. I used one to put out a fire when the Dairy Fairy attacked Max and Tammy, but I’m never going to use one to suffocate someone.

SALLY
I was thinking more about when he taught you how to use them as weapons. You know, push them out, knock people over, throw one out in front of a moving vehicle. You could do so much damage with a well-placed force field!

LINUS
We’ve gone over this before; I don’t like hurting people. I know that’s just how your mind works, but I didn’t inherit the sociopath gene.

SALLY
Hey, that’s mean! I’m not a sociopath, I’m a psychopath!

LINUS
Oh, geez.

SALLY
Linus… Do you think you like protecting people because you couldn’t protect Mom from Dad?

LINUS
I thought you said it was all Mom’s fault.

SALLY
Well, maybe, just maybe, even though he’s the best Daddy in the world, he may not have been the best husband.

LINUS
Gasp! Are you… being objective?

SALLY
Shut up! I saw how much she loved you. When you were off riding your horses together, I used to get so jealous.

LINUS
I know. I’ll never forget the day you torched the stables. Other than when Mom left, it was the worst day of my life. I can still hear the horses screaming as they burned alive.

SALLY
I never expected you to go in after them. If it wasn’t so stupid, it would’ve been brave.

LINUS
My forcefields kept out the heat from the fire, but I couldn’t keep out all the smoke. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see. It was awful. That was the first time I realized that my power doesn’t make me invincible.

SALLY
If you’d learned how to make them airtight earlier, you could’ve kept the smoke out.

LINUS
Yeah, but I still wouldn’t’ve had any oxygen.

SALLY
No, you could’ve trapped a bunch of air in with you, and put it behind you like a backpack to breathe.

LINUS
What do you mean? Like a scuba diver’s air tank?

SALLY
Yeah, I guess. I was thinking more like a runner’s camelbak thing, but with air instead of water.

LINUS
Huh. That’s a really good idea. Thank you, Sally!

SALLY
See, this is why Daddy calls me his muse. I’m not just a hot BLEEP, I have thoughts!

LINUS
It doesn’t make up for the fact that you killed our horses. Honestly, every time I look at you, I don’t really see you, I just see everyone that you’ve killed.

SALLY
Well, that’s no fun, most of my victims were super ugly.

LINUS
I wonder what it feels like to have no empathy.

SALLY
I don’t know any other way of thinking or feeling. It’s who I am. This is just how I was born, Linus. It’s like being bi. I didn’t ask to be attracted to everyone, I just am!

LINUS
Are you comparing being bisexual to being a psychopath? You sound like one of those crazy religious zealots who say homosexuality is just as bad as pedophilia in the eyes of God.

SALLY
Ew, I would totally burn kids, but I wouldn’t, like, touch them. That’s BLEEPed up. You know, I killed a freak like that when I was at The Island.

LINUS
What are you talking about?

SALLY
The chick whose cell was next to mine, Jill Frost, she was made of ice, and she could freeze people. I heard that she used to do things to kids, and it really bothered me. So, I broke into her cell and melted her down to a puddle. She literally did the whole Wicked Witch “I’m melting!” scream. It was epic.

LINUS
Well, I guess it’s better to have a few morals than none, but that doesn’t get you off the hook for everything else you’ve done. You’re a bad person, Sally. You and Dad are literally the worst people I’ve ever known. The fact that you think killing a criminal is fine because of the kind of criminal she was, just proves how messed up you are. Killing is killing. End of story.

SALLY
Whatever. You’re just soft.

LINUS
No, I’m not. Killing is wrong. You are wrong. You know, I really should just keep you in this forcefield and call the cops. Actually, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I can’t keep enabling you.

SALLY
You get your hands off your phone this instant, or I’ll pop your fingers open like overcooked hot dogs.

LINUS
I don’t think so.

SOUND: FORCEFIELD SWOOSH

SALLY
Why did you put me in a separate force field? I was just kidding! You obviously don’t get my sense of humor.

LINUS
Hello? RCPD? I need you to send a team with a power dampener and some sedatives.

SALLY
Are you actually calling the cops? I’ll BLEEPing kill you!

LINUS
Excuse me for a moment, I need to create a soundproof forcefield to silence a mouthy witch.

SALLY
You BLEEPhead, I’m gonna fricassee your balls! I’m gonna make you eat your own–

SOUND: FORCEFIELD SWOOSH

LINUS
Much better. Sorry about that. This is Force. From Pitch Force? The force field guy who follows around the screamy woman? No, I’m not talking about your mother. I’m sorry she screams so much. I’m talking about Pitch, the superhero? From the B-league? Yeah, I guess I’m “that hot guy that makes bubbles.” Wonderful. Anyway, I have the villain Sally Mander in custody. She needs an escort back to The Island. Yeah, the one who killed the guy with the blue butt. I agree, it was a very nice butt. What a shame. So, are you going to dispatch anyone? I’m sending you my location. I’m currently in an invisible “bubble,” as you called it, but I’ll make it visible when they arrive. Great. Thank you! Bye. (sigh) Sally, I can see that you’re still screaming at me.

SOUND: FORCEFIELD SWOOSH OFF

SALLY
-and after I cauterize your stumps, I’ll shove your head down inside your body like a BLEEPing turtle!

LINUS
Feel better now?

SALLY
Let me out! With Daddy in hiding it’ll be harder for him to bust me out of the Island again!

LINUS
I don’t care. You’re a murderer, and you deserve to rot in prison.

SALLY
That’s such a cliched term, “rot in prison.” Where’s your creativity?

LINUS
I… hope you slowly go insane in solitary confinement?

SALLY
Nah, I’m already insane. And I like the sound of my own voice.

LINUS
Good point.

SALLY
Just give me a break, okay? I promise I won’t kill anyone except for the girl Daddy wants me to find!

LINUS
Yeah, no.

SALLY
But I killed Jill Frost! She was a bad guy!

LINUS
You can’t use murdering someone as a reason to trust you to not murder anyone else.

SALLY
Well, fine. I didn’t know she was a creep until after I killed her anyway. She had better skin than me, and I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t see one pore on her icy face, and she wasn’t even wearing makeup! Someone like that shouldn’t be allowed to live.

LINUS
You’re proving me right every time you open your mouth. I’m not budging. You’re going away for a long time.

SALLY
But, I’m your sister! We’re family!

LINUS
Who cares? Sharing blood with someone shouldn’t create some blanket obligation to protect them or care for them. I prefer my new family, the one I actually chose.

SALLY
Well I hope you’re happy being lame and poor forever.

LINUS
You’re the worst.

SALLY
I wonder how hot these force fields can get before they start to deteriorate…

LINUS
You know heat resistance was the first trick I learned when we were teenagers.

SOUND: FIRE SHOOTING FROM SALLY’S HANDS

LINUS
Hey, what’re you doing? You know you can’t burn through it.

SALLY
No, but where there’s fire, there’s smoke!

LINUS
Just because they don’t get hot doesn’t mean the smoke won’t damage your lungs. Stop it!

SALLY
You have two options. Either let me out, or watch your sister asphyxiate and die.

LINUS
Sally! Stop it!

SALLY
(coughs) You should see your face, brother. You’re so conflicted. (coughs) Do you want to be like me, and take a life, or do you want to be a hero and save a life? You never. Forget. Your first. Kill!

LINUS
Damn it, Sally!

SOUND: FORCEFIELD SWOOSH OFF
SOUND: FIRE STOPS

LINUS
(coughs) Oh god, there’s so much smoke, where are you?

SOUND: POLICE SIRENS APPROACHING

LINUS
Sally, are you okay? I can’t see anything! Sally? Where are you? BLEEP, she’s gone! I’m so stupid! Sally, if you can hear me, the next time I see you, you won’t be able to trick me again! You’re done! Got it? You’re done! Ugh, I really wish I was adopted.

MACGUFFIN
Oh, Linus, you silly, idealistic little BLEEP, sometimes I also wish you were adopted. Anyway, if you enjoy Second Fiddles, here’s another podcast you should check out:

PODCAST TRAILER

MACGUFFIN
Delightful! Now bring on the credits!

MAX
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi, Sally is voiced by Jenny Gibson, and MacGuffin is voiced by John Pupo. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson. Feel free to follow us on instagram and facebook at Secondfiddlespodcast, tumblr at SecondFiddles, and twitter at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2-n-d-fiddles. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. 

Thanks for listening!

LINUS
Yeah, I guess I’m “that hot guy that makes bubbles.” Wonderful.