Second Fiddles

Episode 29 – April Tools

April 01, 2023 Second Fiddles Season 2 Episode 16
Second Fiddles
Episode 29 – April Tools
Show Notes Transcript

While confronting Sally Mander, some of the Second Fiddles swap bodies. It's like Freaky Friday... but on a Saturday.

It's a surprise bonus episode!

Thanks for listening!
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29 - April Tools

MAT
Episode 29: April Tools.

SOUND: THEME MUSIC

SALLY
Previously, on whatever this dumb podcast is called, the sexy socialite Sally Montgomery was unjustly outed to the world as vicious vixen Sally Mander, so she’s been lying low at her cousin April’s apartment. Being without bags of cash, and having to use a microwave like a poor person, Sally is reluctantly seeking out the help of her dimwitted brother, Linus. Let’s get started, or whatever.

SOUND: MUSIC FADES

LINUS
I’m not dimwitted! And stop talking about yourself in the third person. It’s pretentious.

SALLY
Oh, because you can use a microwave now, you think you get to talk down to me?

LINUS
You’re on the run because you publicly killed a man.

SALLY
Yeah, I didn’t realize he was live-streaming. I’m so unlucky!

LINUS
So, you’ve been staying with April? How’s she doing?

SALLY
Still the clichéd inventor type, working in her little elf shop making new contraptions.

LINUS
Hey, you make it sound like she just tinkers in a basement somewhere. She’s still the head of research and development at Montgomery Innovations.

SALLY
Whatever, she’s a nerd professionally and in her free time. Yawn. So, are you here to help me?

LINUS
Actually, you called me at a bad time. We were kind of on patrol…

SALLY?
We? We who?

SOPHIA
Sally Mander! On behalf of the A-league of Rose City, you are under arrest for the death of Blue Moon!

SALLY
Oh, come on, you brought your loser friends? What the hell!?

CAM
Okay, I know this freeloading BLEEP of a daddy’s girl didn’t just call me a loser.

SALLY
Oh, hey, you’re a new one. What do you do?

CAM
What do I do?

SOUND: SHAPESHIFTING SQUISH

CAM (as SALLY)
I make a hotter you than you do, that’s what!
  
SOUND: SHAPESHIFTING SQUISH

CAM
And you can call me Chameleon.

SALLY
Oh my god, I’ve always wanted to kiss myself. Do you wanna make out?

CAM
I would rather stick my tongue in a mouse trap, and not in a kinky way.

SALLY
Linus, you only brought the lady Smasher and a shapeshifter? For a second, I was almost worried!

LINUS
You’re so unobservant. There are two more behind you.

SALLY
Ughhh! This is what I get for meeting in an alleyway.

MAX
Hey, Sally, you look like BLEEP! Here to kill any more HeroTubers or superpowered deer, perchance?

SALLY
Oh great, Buck’s here too. You said there were two more, but I only see “deer boy.” Let me guess, the invisible one’s about to chime in with a pun, right?

MAX
Wrong again. Eloise is a part of the team.

SALLY
Oh, I just thought that was a fat pigeon who got caught in your antlers.

MAX
She’s falco peregrinus, stupidface. Otherwise known as a peregrine falcon.

LINUS
Max, don’t bother. She doesn’t care. She’s probably already forgotten that Recall and Chameleon are here.

SALLY
Damn it, I did!

LINUS
Sally, I know you don’t want to hear this, but it’s time to turn yourself in. 

SALLY
Yeah, sure, okay.

LINUS
Please don’t make this difficult.

SALLY
If you move one step closer, I’ll blow us all up!

LINUS
You know I can make force fields, right?

SALLY
Not with my powers… with… THIS!

CAM
Are we supposed to be scared?

MAX
Yeah, what are you holding?

SOPHIA
It looks like a metallic piece of fruit.

SALLY
It’s a grenade! Hence, “I’ll blow us up”! Gawd!

SOPHIA
That is certainly NOT a grenade.

CAM
BLEEP, are you dumb.

SALLY
Argh!

LINUS
Sally, what is that thing?

SALLY
I took it from our cousin April’s workshop. It was in a box labeled “April Tools.”

SOPHIA
Oh, no, is this an April Fools episode? Why else would there be an April Tools pun?

SALLY
She makes a lot of weapons! And it looks like a grenade!

LINUS
April’s inventions can be really unpredictable, so whatever you do, don’t press that button on the side.

SALLY
Oh, you mean, like… THIS!

LINUS
No!

SOUN: BEEPS, ENERGY BLAST

SALLY
What just happened? (gasp) Why do I sound like you?

LINUS
Why do you LOOK like me? (gasp) Oh BLEEP, it happened to me, too! Did we switch bodies?!

SALLY
It’s the mind-swapping machine that April’s been working on. But it’s a prototype! And it’s only temporary.

LINUS
Eww, oh my god, Linus, did we get freaky Friday’d?

CAM
Today is not Friday. Technically speaking, you were freaky Saturday’d.

SOPHIA
BLEEPing BLEEP, Sophia, we switched bodies too!

CAM
It would appear so, Cam. This is most unsettling.

SOPHIA
Ya think? What if I turn into lady Smasher and level the BLEEPing city?

CAM
Please remain calm. Hopefully, your ability to shapeshift would have conditioned you to resist transformation during heightened periods of emotional instability.

SOPHIA
Did you say this was temporary? How  BLEEPing temporary are we talking?

SALLY
I don’t remember, the last time we talked about it was months ago. I only saw April because I was watching her cats while she was on vacation.

SOPHIA
You’re not being helpful, Sally.

SALLY
I’m not Sally!

SOPHIA
Linus. BLEEP, this is confusing!

SALLY
Tell me about it. Oh my god, I touched my sister’s boobs! Ugh!

CAM
Linus, please focus. Try to remember how long the effects of this device will last.

SALLY
All I can think about is my dick. I miss my dick!

LINUS
Do you think I want this thing in my pants? Ugh, it feels like an elephant trunk. Linus, why is your gross penis so big!?

SOPHIA
I’m gonna treasure this memory for BLEEPing ever.

CAM
Can we please cease discussion of our genitalia and return to the task at hand. This is unnerving.

SALLY
It wasn’t that long, maybe only five or ten minutes, I think?

SOPHIA
So, not as long as your dick?

SALLY
Shut up, Cam! That’s not funny!

SOPHIA
Hey, don’t worry, back when I’m in my body I can make mine way bigger. It’s not even a competition.

SALLY
Ugh, this is so stupid!

SOUND: FIRE BURST
SOUND: FIRE CRACKLING BEGINS

SOPHIA
Hey, watch it, dude, you’re on fire!

CAM
Yes, and not in the figurative sense!

SALLY
I don’t know how to stop it!

LINUS
Ugh, just let it burn out. Once it starts, you can’t reabsorb it, you have to let it go.

SALLY
Oh. Really?

LINUS
Oh, now you’re finally taking an interest in how my powers work? You’re so selfish. Daddy is the only one who cares!

SALLY
I’m so sorry I don’t want to set my friends on fire.

LINUS
Push it out. It’ll feel like you’re sneezing, but from your hands.

SALLY
Uh, okay. Like… this?

SOUND: FIRE BLAST, END CRACKLE

SALLY
Wow, that was kinda cool.

LINUS
I told you, burning stuff is fun.

CAM
Now that Linus in Sally’s body is no longer burning, we have another problem.

SOPHIA
Now what?

MAX
(screeching)

CAM
Max is behaving rather oddly.

MAX
(screeching)

SOPHIA
What is he doing? It’s like he’s trying to dance the Electric Slide while being electrocuted.

SALLY
It’s electric! Boogie woogie woogie.

LINUS
Is he, like, waving at us?

CAM
Uh oh. I believe he’s attempting to fly!

SALLY
Oh, Maxi, you switched bodies with Eloise!

SOUND: FALCON VOCALIZATIONS
SOUND: WINGS FLAPPING

CAM
I believe that Max in Eloise’s body just flew away. This is rather unfortunate.

SOPHIA
Don’t mind me, Sophia, I’m recording this on your phone. This is BLEEPing gold!

SALLY
Sally, go closer to Max’s body. Eloise likes me, so she’ll respond to me—uh, you—better.

LINUS
Ew, what am I supposed to do?

SALLY
Just talk to her. She’s a bird trapped in a human body. She’s probably freaking out.

LINUS
Umm, hi there, Louise.

SALLY
It’s Eloise! You never listen.

LINUS
Hi, Eloise. I’m sorry that really sexy lady said you looked like a fat pigeon. If you ask me, you look more like a tall, skinny pigeon.

MAX
Bad! Bad BLEEP!

SOPHIA
Umm, what the actual BLEEP is happening?

CAM
It would appear that Eloise, having been raised by an animal telepath, understands the English language..

MAX
Li- Lips. Lips feel weird. I miss beak.

SALLY
Umm, hello, Eloise, do you know what’s going on?

MAX
Yeah. Yeah. Dad told me I am him and he is me. Yeah.

SOPHIA
Aww, she calls him Dad! And she knows how to swear!

SALLY
Do you know where Max went in your body?

MAX
He wants to feel the air. He wants to feel how it feels to fly, before we change back.

LINUS
Well, that’s just great. I’m stuck with an entire extra limb in my pants, and little Bucky gets to go flying.

SOPHIA
Seriously, how big is it?

SALLY
Oh my god, shut up!

CAM
A few months ago, prior to my space voyage, Tammy bragged about Linus’s penile dimensions while we were enjoying some cocktails. Pun intended. I won’t relay the information through an exact measurement, but I can use my hands to show you an approximation.

SOPHIA
Hey, I’ll take what I can get.

SALLY
Okay, yeah, it’s not like a world record setter or anything, but I haven’t heard any complaints.

LINUS
Linus, I BLEEPing hate you! All I wanted was a little help from my brother. Instead, you turned this whole thing into a mess!

SALLY
Okay, wow, you’re the one to talk. You used a prototype weapon on us, not even knowing what it would do!

LINUS
I THOUGHT it would blow us all up!

SALLY
How is that any better?

LINUS
I can’t be burned, and you have your forcefields. I knew we’d both be safe.

SOPHIA
So what are we, chopped BLEEPing liver? 

CAM
I have dined on liver in the past. It is not my favorite meal. I prefer ice cream. But not liver ice cream. My cat Eliott would probably adore liver ice cream.

MAX
I am hungry. Please mouse. Feed me mouse. Mouse please!

SALLY
Sorry, Eloise, we don’t have any mice on us.

MAX
No mouse? I eat rat. Or bird. Not picky. I love to crunch their skulls.

SOPHIA
Eloise, say BLEEP!

MAX
Umm, BLEEP. BLEEP.

CAM
I am feeling unusual. I mean, more unusual than it feels being in a different body. Perhaps that means the effects will be reversed soon?

MAX
(moans)

LINUS
Ew, what’s he doing now?

SALLY
Eloise, are you okay?

MAX
I feel bad. Feel wet. Squishy.

LINUS
Ew, what’s that smell?!

CAM
It would appear that Eloise has defecated in Max’s costume.

MAX
I made a poop! I don’t like pants. Help me remove pants?

LINUS
Gross! Keep your pants on!

SALLY
Oh my god, I think she’s peeing now, too.

MAX
Wet pants! Stop it! I hate wet pants!

SALLY
What’s wrong?

MAX
I am not used to going from two spots. It’s scary.

CAM
That is true. Birds have cloacas, so they excrete waste from a singular urogenital opening. Egesting through both a penis, as well as an anus, must be an overwhelming sensation.

MAX
Scary and wet. I want rat! Give me rat!

SALLY
Oh god, she’s having a tantrum.

SOUND: BEEPING

LINUS
Hey, the light on this not-a-grenade thing just started to flash. Is that good or bad?

SALLY
Oh, finally. Brace yourself!

SOUND: REVERB ENERGY WAVE
SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS TRAILING OFF

LINUS
Is everyone okay? Did that work?

CAM
I don’t know, are you back to having the biggest dick in town?

LINUS
Oh, thank god, yes. It’s back!

SOPHIA
I have returned to my body as well. That was quite a distressing experience.

CAM
Yeah, Sophia, if you wanted to be inside my body, all you had to do was ask.

SOPHIA
I– I do not have a response to that.

CAM
(snickering)

MAX
Oh no, no no no no nooooooo. No! BLEEPing BLEEP!

LINUS
Oh, Maxi, I’m sorry.

CAM
Yeah, man, Eloise totally BLEEP your pants… and pissed them.

MAX
I’m never going to live this down, am I?

SOPHIA
It would appear that my phone is still recording, so you are correct. You will never live this down.

MAX
Come on, you can’t keep that. No, seriously, delete it. Delete it! Please?

SOPHIA
Maybe when I get back from searching for my mother in California, we can revisit this conversation.

MAX
Great. Great.

CAM
Umm, where did Sally go?

LINUS
What? Wasn’t she just here a second ago?

SOPHIA
I was facing Max when the device was triggered, so I didn’t see where she went, but I do recall the sound of her footsteps running away.

LINUS
Well, that’s just wonderful. Now that she knows we’re looking for her, she’s gonna be way harder to catch next time.

CAM
Eh, we’ll find her again. It can’t be that hard—just follow the trail of smoldering bodies!

LINUS
The goal was to prevent her from killing or hurting anyone else.

CAM
Well, none of us had the goal of BLEEPing our pants, but here we are.

MAX
Speaking of that, could someone get HQ to teleport me home? This is going to get worse before it gets better, especially if I try to walk.

LINUS
I’m so sorry, my cousin April and her inventions used to cause mischief like this at our family reunions.

MAX
Stupid April tools.

CAM
Yeah, and this happened on April 1st, too. I wonder if that was on purpose, or just a BLEEPy coincidence?

MAX
In my case, it's literally a BLEEPy coincidence. (fake laughter) Kill me.

LINUS
Hey, at least you can laugh at yourself. Ooh, maybe I should start calling you Poolots!

MAX
Linus, take your giant dick and BLEEP yourself!

LINUS
Okay, I get it, I went too far.

CAM
Let’s maybe call this a day, team.

SOPHIA
Yes. I would very much like to leave.

LINUS
Fine, we can worry about Sally later. I’m sorry you got dragged into this.

CAM
At least talking to a bird was pretty cool!

MAX
Talking to a… You what?

SOPHIA
Eloise was able to communicate with us very effectively!

MAX
Huh. I’ll have to ask her about it later.

SOPHIA
I can show you. It was recorded!

MAX
Splendid.

LINUS
Oh, wait. You flew, right? As a falcon? What was it like? Was it awesome? My friend Gale says that flying feels amazing.

MAX
(sigh) I didn’t really know what I was doing, to be honest, I could barely stay airborne. But it felt pretty cool.

CAM
That’s it? No more details?

MAX
My costume is full of BLEEP. I just want to go home!

CAM
Okay, okay, geez. Hey, Linus, let’s talk measurements. Okay, are we using inches or centimeters?

LINUS
Nope! Go home. Go home!

SOUND: THEME MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Linus and Sally Mander are voiced by Alex Sinicropi and Jenny Gibson, Max and Eloise are voiced by Mat Johnson, and Sophia and Chameleon are voiced by Allana Langen and Robyn Rime. Music by Pete Johnson, and writing, producing, and sound design by Mat Johnson. I hope this bonus episode will hold you over a little while while we work hard at recording and editing the upcoming season 3 of Second Fiddles.

Feel free to follow us on instagram and facebook at SecondFiddlesPodcast, tumblr at Second Fiddles, and twitter at 2ndFiddles, spelled 2ndFiddles. Transcripts of all of our episodes can be found at our website, secondfiddlespodcast.com. Thanks for listening!

SOUND: THEME MUSIC FADES OUT

CAM
Well, none of us had the goal of BLEEPing our pants, but here we are.