Bonus Episode - BlockBuckster Movies, Ep 3 - Win a Date with Tad Hamilton

Blockbuckster Movies Ep 3 - Win a Date with Tad Hamilton

[theme music]

BUCK
Hi, and welcome to another episode of BlockBuckster Movies. I'm your host, Buck. And today my co-host is Linus Montgomery, who you might know from his short run on the equine centric reality competition, Prancing with the Stars, where D-List celebrities’ children and spouses learn the art of horse dancing. Needless to say, it only lasted one season.

LINUS
At least I didn't get voted out week one.

BUCK
You probably stuck around as long as you did because you insisted on performing shirtless.

LINUS
Whatever. You liked it.

BUCK
I did.

LINUS
I tried to ride bareback, but listeners, bareback is not safe, especially for beginners.

SALLY
You hear that? Barebacking is dangerous. Now presenting, from Montgomery Innovations, the newest in contraceptive technology: ForceSkin, the forcefield condom. You never have to bareback again.

BUCK
No. Stop it! Your family's business is not sponsoring this episode!

SALLY
Hey, I shot my shot.

BUCK
Ugh, well, since she ruined the surprise by opening her skanky mouth, we also have a special guest co-host this week, Linus’s sister, Sally Montgomery, also known to the world as the supervillain Sally Mander.

SALLY
Hey, all you Sally Mander Fanders out there.

LINUS
No one calls themselves that. Anyway, Sally is joining us via video chat today because she's on the run for being a vicious murderer sociopath.

SALLY
Linus, you know I identify as psychopath, not sociopath.

LINUS
Whatever.

BUCK
Why is she here again?

LINUS
Sally loves romcoms. It felt weird not including her.

BUCK
Still, it just seems a little rude to invite my arch nemesis onto my podcast without running it by me first.

SALLY
Stop your blabbering and let's talk about love, you little sidekick BLEEP.

BUCK
Fine. Today we’re discussing the romantic comedy Win A Date with Tad Hamilton. All right, so, as usual, I have printed out the Wikipedia plot summary of the movie, and let's just go into it: Win a Date with Tad Hamilton is a 2004 American romantic comedy film. The film follows a small town girl who wins a contest for a date with a male celebrity and a love triangle forms between the girl, the star, and the girl's best friend. And before I read any more, I have to say it's not a love triangle. It's a V. Because the triangle implies that, like, everyone has a relationship with each other, right?

SALLY
Do we need to seriously go there?

LINUS
I don't know. I think he's got a point.

BUCK
Well, okay, so, like, if Tad Hamilton was, like, friends with the other guy, Pete, then, like, it would be a triangle. But they are strangers, so, like—

SALLY
Okay but in rom coms, it's a love triangle. It's not a V.

BUCK
But—nevermind.

LINUS
But just because there's three points, they all three need to be connected in order for it to be a triangle.

BUCK
Yeah. A V still has three points.

SALLY
Vs rule the world, okay? We all know.

BUCK
Anyway, let's see, what does it say next? The film only earned 17.1 million in the U.S. and 4.2 million overseas for a worldwide total of $21.3 million, making it a commercial failure against a $22 million budget.

SALLY
Ouch.

LINUS
Yeah, woof.

BUCK
Yeah, not, not great. I guess we'll just get into the plot now and see where it goes from there. So, Linus. Start with this section.

LINUS
Okay. A soldier and a nurse emerge from two 1940 style cars in the middle of the night. As the nurse runs up to the soldier, the camera switches revealing that this is a film scene.

SALLY
Ooooh.

BUCK
Oh, it's a movie within a movie.

SALLY
Hmm hmm!

LINUS
I didn't really care for the misdirect there. I thought this was going to be a cool period piece.

SALLY
Ugh.

LINUS
Rosalee, Cathy and Pete, Piggly Wiggly store workers— Do we have those here?

SALLY
No, but I've been to them. It’s a grocery store.

BUCK
Oh, I've never heard of a Piggly Wiggly.

SALLY
Their mascot is a pig.

BUCK
I mean, that makes sense from the word pig being in the title, but does the pig wiggle?

SALLY
If I get my hands on it.

LINUS
Oooh.

BUCK
Is this going to be a bacon reference now?

SALLY
It sizzles, what can I say? (evil laughter)

LINUS
Okay, so they work at the Piggly Wiggly store in a place called Fraser's Bottom West Virginia, woof.

SALLY
Woof, that’s just asking for it.

LINUS
So anyway, the three friends are watching the film, and as the nurse asks for forgiveness and the soldier agrees, the women in the audience are moved to tears, and Pete is clearly unimpressed. Okay. Yeah, that's how I felt watching this movie.

BUCK
I mean, Pete's not a very empathetic character.

SALLY
No. Agree.

LINUS
Yeah, Pete was kind of a BLEEP boy.

SALLY
Mm hmm. 100% toxic masculinity. 100% would burn.

BUCK
But Tad Hamilton was, like, the ultimate BLEEP boy. Right?

SALLY
But in a good way.

BUCK
Because he's rich.

SALLY
And hot. Hot.

BUCK
Okay.

LINUS
She has a point.

BUCK
I know. I mean, I have eyes.

LINUS
Wasn't Josh Duhamel in the Transformer movies?

BUCK
I don't know. Maybe. Oh, that reminds me of a hench woman I fought once. Her name was Transform-Her.

SALLY
Did you say Transformer or Transform-Her?

BUCK
Transform-Her.

LINUS
Weird.

BUCK
Yeah. She was like Clayface, but she couldn't shape her own body. Someone else had to do the molding and shaping part for her.

LINUS
Hey, I don't know a Clayface, but wasn't there a sidekick named Gay Face?

BUCK
Oh, yeah. Gay Face was a hero who sidekicked in drag. She could shoot rainbows out of her eyes, she sang gay club classics while she fought crime, and she could shoot glitter out of her fingers.

LINUS
Whatever happened to her?

BUCK
I'm not sure.

SALLY
Oh, I killed her. As she burned alive, her cheap wig melted onto her face and she belted out Last Dance at the top of her lungs. Girl could sing.

BUCK
Wow. I hate you.

LINUS
Okay, so as the ladies wonder what the film star Tad Hamilton is doing at the moment, Tad is described by his agent as a drinking, driving, smoking, leering and groping all at the same time. Okay. That sounds like kind of a rad time, if I'm being honest.

BUCK
Wait. So, I mean, drinking and driving and smoking, those are like three things that I guess somebody could do all at once, but, like, leering and groping? Like, how do you keep your hands on the wheel while also groping and smoking and drinking? Like—

SALLY
I mean he didn't—I mean, did you see the movie? He didn't really have his hands on the wheel. They were kind of all over that girl in the passenger seat.

LINUS
He could drive with his knees.

BUCK
I mean, that takes skill that I don't have.

SALLY
Clearly.

BUCK
But with my antlers now, I can't fit in a car, so I guess I'll never know.

SALLY
It was a convertible, I think, wasn’t it?

BUCK
Okay, well, I can fit in a convertible, so. Yeah, that makes sense.

SALLY
You can do it, you can try.

BUCK
Okay. Yeah, I can try drinking, driving and groping.

SALLY
And smoking.

BUCK
And smoking all at the same time.

LINUS
Give it a go, man. You only live once. Okay, so his agent tells Tad that his hedonism is damaging his reputation and career opportunities. You see, I think that's an unfair judgment of hedonism.

SALLY
Yeah. What's wrong with a little hedonism?

LINUS
Never hurt anybody. Okay. To improve his image and convince a film director to cast him, his agents establish a competition to win a date with Tad with proceeds benefiting the charity Save the Children. Sounds bogus to me anyway. Anyway, Rosalee finds an online advertisement for the competition.

BUCK
So I'm looking at my notes because I took notes while we just watched this, and I wrote that the agents or maybe manager and agent, are played by Nathan Lane and Sean Hayes, which I didn't realize until I rewatched this because it's been like ten years, I think, since I saw it the last time. So I love them. They're great.

LINUS
They were both Dicks.

BUCK
Oh yeah, they weren't nice, but—

LINUS
No, no, they were both named Richard.

BUCK
Oh yeah, that's true. They had the same name, which was Richard Levy, they said, okay, yeah, that's fun. But they didn't tell us that till like toward the end of the movie. And that would have been a fun joke to play on, like if we learned earlier.

LINUS
Mmhmm.

SALLY
Agree. Yeah, I did like the Sean Hayes Dick character really liked noodles.

BUCK
Mmhmm. Yeah. Yeah.

SALLY
Relatable.

LINUS
Yeah, yeah. Very relatable to just pound noodles.

SALLY
Pound ‘em.

BUCK
Yeah, just noodles everywhere. What's the next section here say?

SALLY
With the help of the Piggly Wiggly customers and a reluctant Pete, Cathy and Rosalee raise the hundred dollar entrance fee as Pete tells his superior that he will leave for college in Richmond after he talks with someone about going to Richmond with me. I wonder who someone is?

LINUS
See? And he right off the bat, he's doing a bad job, he's being too vague. He's just implying BLEEP when he should just go for it.

BUCK
Mmhmm.

SALLY
Yeah.

LINUS
Can we talk about how one of the cashiers there was Octavia freaking Spencer? Like a true legendary actor?

SALLY
With like three lines.

LINUS
Just shafted.

SALLY
Janine.

BUCK
Yeah, and I'm pretty sure that she was playing, like, the stereotypical role of, like, sassy black employee at the grocery store.

SALLY
Yeah, that was painful, even for me.

LINUS
Yeah.

BUCK
Yeah. Not cool, but it was nice seeing her face. She’s great.

SALLY
Loved it. Want me to keep going?

BUCK
Yeah.

SALLY
A news crew arrives outside Rosalee's home because she has won the date with Tad. A despondent Pete accompanies her to the airport. Awed by Los Angeles— Wait, wait, wait, this says nothing about—What does he say? Guard your carnal treasure?

BUCK
Oh, yep, yep.

SALLY
Oh, my gosh.

LINUS
That sounds like an awesome eighties hair metal band.

SALLY
See, I remember watching this as a young Sally and this didn't bother me. But now, the toxic masculinity, like, her carnal treasure, is none of your goddamn business.

BUCK
Is that her hymen? Is that carnal treasure?

SALLY
I guess, like all of it? All of the bits?

BUCK
Oh.

LINUS
Yeah. It's just—

SALLY
Why is he talking to her about that? If they’re friends or cousins or whatever.

LINUS
If they're friends or cousins, yeah. This almost feels more like a conversation she would have with her dad. Still inappropriate.

SALLY
And he yells it, again!

BUCK
Yeah, he's really controlling. He's like, guard your carnal treasure, daughter, cousin, best friend, love interest.

SALLY
What if she doesn’t want to? Yeah.

BUCK
Yeah. He's really controlling of her.

SALLY
It's gross.

LINUS
She's a grown woman, and she can BLEEP who she wants.

SALLY
And she's nice to him. She should be like, shut the BLEEP up.

BUCK
Yeah.

SALLY
If this was made in 2022, I feel like she would be more liberated, I hope.

BUCK
Yeah. It also—I also took some other notes. It skipped over completely the fact that he warns her other than the carnal treasure stuff, that if he says he likes animals, he's trying to sleep with you. What about all the guys out there like me who really do like animals? Like, I'm not just a hound dog.

SALLY
What about the, the women who like to burn animals and watch them crisp?

LINUS
Okay. Okay.

BUCK
Also, there are some catchphrases that she has, like shickadoo is one of them and—

SALLY
Yikes-a-bee.

BUCK
Yikes-a-bee.

SALLY
Who talks like that?

BUCK
Just imagine like flirting with something that you think is, like, really cute and sexy, and then all of a sudden they're just like, ooh, yikes-a-bee, like, I'm going to have to really reconsider my crush at that point.

LINUS
It was the zetus lapetus of its time.

BUCK
Not great.

SALLY
Okay. Anyway, awed by Los Angeles, Rosalee becomes tongue tied in Tad's presence. The date does not go well. Rosalee vomits in the limousine, and when Tad mentions his love of animals, which Pete had warned was a sign of sexual intentions, her suspicions are raised. After seeing Tad's house, Rosalee requests to return to the hotel and soon returns home, leaving Tad thoughtful and with blue balls.

BUCK
I don't think the description says blue balls, does it?

SALLY
Well, we all know.

BUCK
Oh, yeah, they're so blue. Yeah.

LINUS
In her defense, even if she did want to sleep with him, I would feel very uncomfortable in that Mr. Freeze ass house.

BUCK
It did look like it was covered in like ice, yeah.

SALLY
Needed some fire.

BUCK
Yeah.

SALLY
I could warm that place up.

BUCK
It's totally skipped over Kathryn Hahn's character, not even mentioned in the recap. We already met her in the bar earlier. Kathryn Hahn, who is amazing.

LINUS
Dreamboat.

SALLY
Stole the movie, maybe? Dare we say?

BUCK
Yeah, she, she was the heart and soul of this movie. I did not like Pete. Cathy was funny at times, but kind of stereotyped, like—

SALLY
I didn't even know her name was Cathy until we read this summary. Because they don't—like when does, when does she ever say her name?

BUCK
I think they call her Cat at one point, but her nametag says Cathy, so it’s very—

LINUS
I was gonna say, they’re wearing name tags all the time.

SALLY
Rosalee is a BLEEP friend, let's just say it. She acts all sweet and nice, but really she's just a selfish BLEEP.

BUCK
So the other thing that wasn't mentioned, I took a note that you had a strong opinion about how Pete made sandwiches. He was just squirting condiments everywhere.

SALLY
You can't just haphazardly squirt condiments all over the place.

LINUS
And I don't—that didn't bother me. The spontaneity. It's, it's, it's a, you know, it's an art as much as it's a science.

SALLY
It requires some precision, though.

BUCK
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with Sally. You can't just have, like, like a big blob of mustard on one side and, like, mayo on another and like—

SALLY
Exactly.

BUCK
Lettuce in one bite and no meat in another. It's just, you have to have, like, even distribution of condiments.

SALLY
Thank you.

BUCK
You can't just, like, squirt them in a pile.

SALLY
Thank you.

LINUS
You guys don't know ‘livin. The spontaneity, the surprise in every bite.

BUCK
Considering that you've had chefs make your food for every meal for, like, 20 plus years, I won't take advice from you about how to make a sandwich. You just learned how to use a microwave two weeks ago.

SALLY
(laughs)

LINUS
Those things are confusing.

BUCK
Okay, what does the, the recap say next?

SALLY
Okay, so Pete is about to tell Rosalee about moving to Richmond when she is surprised by Tad's sudden arrival. So now they're back in fat bottom, whatever it's called. Although she is still cynical when he admits to not having his priorities straight, she is convinced of his good intentions.

LINUS
See, this is where I'm talking about Cathy being a bad friend because she immediately tried to flirt with and tried to sleep with Tad Hamilton in that situation with Rosalee, totally present.

SALLY
She offered to BLEEP him. It wasn't like, flirt, it was like, I will do things to you.

BUCK
Yeah. She's like, take me, take me, take me, etc. Take me.

SALLY
Yeah.

BUCK
Oh, we never mentioned about her sideways sitting. It says that, that Rosalee vomits in the limousine, but she says something about how we don't have sideways seating in West Virginia.

LINUS
I find it hard to believe that there's not one stretch limousine.

BUCK
In all of West Virginia.

SALLY
I know. We have like five just at our house.

LINUS
Least she didn't BLEEP herself.

BUCK
(laughs)

SALLY
That was uncalled for.

BUCK
Yeah. I mean, at least she was wearing a, a, a skirt, a dress, so it could’ve just falled right out, I suppose.

LINUS
I guess. I just, I just knew I'd rather vomit than the other thing.

BUCK
Yeah, no, it’s true.

LINUS
Better the attic, not the basement.

BUCK
Yeah. You also said that it gave you a Splash vibe?

SALLY
Love a rom com with a starry eyed, beautiful blond girl who doesn't quite understand the world that she's been thrust into. Thrust. And the man who's charmed by this childlike innocence and this movie definitely captures that. I mean, Kate Bosworth is not a mermaid in this movie, although she can swim like one, as she proves in Blue Crush, another gem we should watch sometime. But yeah, her innocence is just all the more reason for the hunky Josh Duhamel to fall in love.

LINUS
Yeah, she may not have been a mermaid, but yeah, she was definitely a fish out of water.

BUCK
Ba dum, ching.

SALLY
(laughs)

BUCK
Oh, the one thing that stuck in my mind, Pete and Cathy are looking out the Piggly Wiggly window after Tad comes to, like, visit her in West Virginia. And they say, “and that was the last time we ever saw her.” And all I could think of was, is this taking a true crime turn? Like, is this turning into like a kidnap-murder situation?

SALLY
Oooh, I like that.

LINUS
See, that to me, it was just an indicator that they're all just terrible friends to each other.

BUCK
Yeah, like—

LINUS
They're just like, oh yeah, she'll drop us at the, she'll drop us the first piece of ass that comes to the door.

SALLY
And Cathy says it wistfully, like, good, that BLEEP is going to be gone so I can start taking the spotlight. And Pete's like, sad because he thinks that—

LINUS
He's a sad sack.

SALLY
And he controls her. And how dare she, like, have sexual feelings for a man that isn't him?

BUCK
And Cathy has no, like, she's really one dimensional. She doesn't have any goals or aspirations other than to have sex with her best friend's love interest. And, like, the bartender at the local, you know, bar has more characterization and depth than the main character's best friend, which is a problem.

SALLY
Yeah. And I mean, when you think about it, Cathy is really just a sidekick and she's giving sidekicks a bad name. I think.

BUCK
I—You're right. Okay. There needs to be a drinking game with this. Every time that I agree with Sally Mander, take a shot of the fireball. That's relevant.

SALLY
(laughs) You're all going to be wasted.

BUCK
God. There's another quote that stuck out to me, too, from this. When Pete is talking to Rosalee to warn her about Tad's possible bad intentions, he says “he doesn't want your goodness to rub off on him, he wants your ass to rub off on him.”

LINUS
I'd like to really get into this one. Okay. Because he wants your ass to rub off on him. Does he want more ass? Does he want to like wear her ass as like a medallion? Like. Like—

SALLT
What?

LINUS
Like what is—What does this mean?

SALLY
You're being ridiculous.

LINUS
I'm just—I'm just asking—I'm just asking the important questions here.

SALLY
Pete has a point, but BLEEP off, Pete.

BUCK
Well, when I imagine someone's ass rubbing off on someone, I'm imagining like a dog, like scooting its butt along a carpet, like trying to rub its butt off on someone. So now I'm just imagining Kate Bosworth rubbing a poopy butt on Tad Hamilton and it's really gross.

SALLY
Thank you for that.

LINUS
I think we can all agree, though, that BLEEP Pete, though, right?

SALLY
BLEEP Pete.

BUCK
Yeah, BLEEP Pete.

LINUS
Pete sucks.

BUCK
Yeah. There's an unhealthy power dynamic because he's her boss.

LINUS
Yeah.

SALLY
Yes.

BUCK
I mean, they may have been best friends for 22 years, but he's now her boss, so professionally, not cool, dude. And he's like trying to hold it over her like, oh, you can't work this shift. And it's not cool.

SALLY
And stop, like, implying stuff about her sexuality.

BUCK
Yeah, like talking about her ass.

SALLY
Yeah.

BUCK
Like, if there was someone that I am truly in love with, I'm not going to, like, flippantly talk about someone wanting their ass.

SALLY
Thank you.

LINUS
Yeah.

SALLY
Carnal treasure.

BUCK
Ugh.

SALLY
Need I say it again?

BUCK
You just did. Yeah.

SALLY
True.

BUCK
Oh, what does Tad stand for? Ted Hamilton. They never say, right?

LINUS
Tad… Tadrick.

SALLY
Taddington.

LINUS
Tadmin.

BUCK
I thought Tad was short for Theodore, but I don't care enough to Google it right now.

LINUS
Thaddeus.

BUCK
Thaddeus—Oh, maybe, maybe not Theodore. I knew it began with a T-H.

SALLY
Tadam.

LINUS
Tadam. Tadam sounds right, yeah.

SALLY
I think it’s Tatum.

LINUS
Yeah.

BUCK
Like Tatum? Like Channing Tatum?

SALLY
No, like Adam.

LINUS
But with a T.

SALLY
Tadam.

BUCK
Oh, Tadam. Okay.

LINUS
Yeah, like, like their cousin Tadam.

SALLY
Yeah, Tadam.

BUCK
Yeah. Or maybe his name is just like Steve or something like because it—

SALLY
There’s no good—

LINUS
Could just be a stage name.

BUCK
Yeah, it could be a stage name. I mean, my—oh, I just almost revealed my secret identity! Oh, never mind! Okay.

SALLY
Everybody drink again.

BUCK
Oh, damn it. Okay, I'll read the next section of this horribly written Wikipedia recap.

SALLY
Terrible.

BUCK
Yeah. On a phone call with his agent, Ted insists that he wants to turn over a new leaf and he won't return to Los Angeles for a while. When he gathers Rosalee for a date, he leaves a positive impression on Rosalee's father, who had studied hard for the encounter. Yeah, he's, like, wearing, like, t-shirts to show that he's, like, into film and stuff. It's. It's pretty desperate.

SALLY
He's drinking a chocolate martini, and he makes a visible, grossed out face after he sips it.

BUCK
Yeah. It's kind of cute, though, like—

LINUS
it's Gary Cole.

BUCK
Yeah.

SALLY
It’s dad-cute.

BUCK
Yeah, it's dad-cute. Not to be confused with you and your dad relationship.

SALLY
How cute is it? Tell me.

BUCK
Well, you call him Daddy all the time…

SALLY
And?

BUCK
He calls you Princess…

SALLY
And?

BUCK
You're obsessed with each other…

SALLY
It's adorable.

BUCK
No, it seems unhealthy.

SALLY
Unhealthy?

LINUS
He's got a point.

SALLY
What?

BUCK
Yeah. Like, you can't do anything without Daddy's permission or all I want to do is make Daddy happy, or I'm just going to kill 30 million people because Daddy wants me to, like, make up your own mind, you’re not a slave.

SALLY
What’s wrong with any of that?

LINUS
Preach, Buck.

BUCK
Ugh!

SALLY
Okay. You're just jealous.

BUCK
Okay Yeah, I… I'm not gonna get into Freud. Never mind. Okay, so what does it say next? Pete tries to stop their date by reporting them for illegally parking. He tries to convince Rosalee that Tad is using her. Despite all of Pete's efforts, Rosalee and Tad grow close over the next few days.

SALLY
Okay—

LINUS
Parking.

SALLY
Exactly. We have to talk about that. So Tad and Rosalee walk out of a movie and Tad’s like, what do people around here do next?

LINUS
She's like, go to the diner, which they've already been to.

SALLY
And he's like, Yeah, we're already ate 15 minutes ago. And then he's like, well, what else? And she's like, well, we could go to blah blah point. And he's like, and what do people do there? And she looks up at him from under her eyelashes with her two different colored eyes, and says:

LINUS
Park.

SALLY
Park!  Just say BLEEP!

LINUS
All I gotta say is careful where you park kids, because accidents cause people.

BUCK
(laughter) I had to think about that. But you are correct. That's why you should use Montgomery Industries Foreskin, forcefield condoms. I'm just kidding. It's still not a sponsor.

SALLY
Forcefield…

LINUS
I still got him to say it, didn’t I?

SALLY
Uh huh.

LINUS
It says in a bar,  Pete corners Tad in the men's room after conceding that Rosalee is in love with Tad. He corners him while Tad Hamilton is taking a BLEEP.

BUCK
Hey, wait, not everyone sits down to poop. He could just like to sit when he pees.

SALLY
Wait, who doesn't sit down to poop?

BUCK
No! (laughter) No. I mean. (laughter) Oh, God.

LINUS
You really backed into that one.

BUCK
Yeah, I really, I really did back into that one. I mean, like some people, not me, people I might know, don't like to stand up to pee, so they sit to pee, umm, even if, you know, their antlers hit the sides of the stall and it's really awkward. Umm, yeah.

SALLY
Okay.

BUCK
Okay. Anyway, yes, he was probably pooping.

LINUS
He was at least trying to.

BUCK
Yeah, Trying to.

SALLY
We just learned something about our pal over there.

LINUS
Let's see. So, Pete tells him that she's more than a wholesome, small town girl. This is—This is very strange to me.

SALLY
Is he a dad?

LINUS
Is—Yeah, he sounds like he's her dad again. That's, that's not how I would address a person that I'm attracted to or talk about them. So that's, that's also weird that he, you know, but anyway, she's not a wholesome, small town girl, but a wonderful person with a kind of beauty a guy only sees once.

SALLY
(retches)

LINUS
(retches)

SALLY
Vomit.

LINUS
Guy’s never left West Virginia, means he's going to be hung up on her forever. Guy sounds like a real incel. Uh, let's see, he explains her six smiles that reveal her emotions. And honestly, as sweet as it is to like, notice this kind of thing, I guess, it came off as real creepy when he was talking about it. He's looked at her face way too much.

SALLY
Yeah.

BUCK
Wait, wait, wait. I have to cut you off before we keep going on.

LINUS
What?

BUCK
This has skipped over so much. First of all, it doesn't say that Ted bought a house, bought a farm in that area.

SALLY
Boy bought a farm.

BUCK
Yeah, he, like, bought a farm. And then Pete and Cathy tagged along with Rosalee to go over there and then, like, in a weird, like, sort of machismo, like, kind of macho show off toxic masculinity-fest, Pete's like, I can show you how to do some chores. So they take out some axes and—

LINUS
He gets his ass handed to him.

BUCK
Yeah, he like, it's like a wood chopping contest at first. And let's just talk about that. I did not hate the view during the wood chopping scene.

LINUS
Eh, my abs are better.

BUCK
He could chop my wood, if you know what I mean.

LINUS
You want him to cut off your penis with an ax?

SALLY
Ooooh, I could do that!

BUCK
Ugh, never mind.

SALLY
No, seriously, I want to.

BUCK
Okay, yet another reminder as to why you're not here in person for this recording.

SALLY
You are no fun.

BUCK
Hmm. Before the ax stuff there was milking. They, they were like, I'll show you how to milk a cow.

LINUS
He said essentially nipple. He couldn't find the word teat.

BUCK
Yeah, he did not know the word teat. It was weird. But then like Josh Duhamel was like very sensually, sexually, like milking this cow and it— I don't know what it is about milking that’s phallic other than the fact that you're tugging on something and white stuff squirting out, but that's not really that phallic.

SALLY
But yeah, what else—

LINUS
He also said look at— look at that nice creamy milk.

BUCK
Oh yeah. Yeah.

SALLY
He said you're making daddy thirsty, or something.

BUCK
Yeah. That made that really sexual. And I have to say, I might have a lactose problem sometimes, but I wanted some milk right then and there.

SALLY
Not alone.

BUCK
Yeah. Damn. I know. I keep bringing back things that the recap has skipped over, but can we talk about that commercial that we saw in the background where it was a quick clip from a interview where Tad's like, Oh yeah, I was 12 when I had sex with a 30 year old.

LINUS
Yeah. Oooh.

BUCK
They just breeze by that.

SALLY
That was supposed to make him… more hot?

BUCK
Yeah. Like, was he abused?

SALLY
Like I was sexually assaulted at 12?

LINUS
Consent at that age doesn't exist.

BUCK
Right? So, like, this shows the time that the movie came out, definitely, it, it you know, reflects upon that mindset that like, oh, yeah, like, if a boy has sex with someone older, even if he's 12, then it's cool?

SALLY
Yeah.

BUCK
What the BLEEP.

SALLY
Yeah, that. I mean, toxic.

BUCK
Are we agreeing again?

LINUS
I like older—

SALLY
Take a drink!

BUCK
Ugh!

LINUS
I mean, I like older women, but that's, that's pushing it way too far.

SALLY
You're not 12.

BUCK
More like 12 inches.

LINUS
Ahh!

SALLY
Ewww.

LINUS
Buck gets it.

BUCK
I do. I’ve seen you naked. Not on purpose, but we live together, so—

LINUS
Whatever, you like it.

SALLY
Let’s move along.

BUCK
Ugh!

SALLY
Ugh, this is disgusting.

BUCK
Okay. Oh, and then, I know. I'm sorry. I keep beating a dead whore. Wait, no, that's you. You beat dead whores. Just beating a dead horse here, but when they are driving to the farm, they also say, and I quote, “the only thing they grow in California is breasts.”

SALLY
That makes no sense.

LINUS
Number one, are we just gonna completely skip over how awesome avocados are?

BUCK
Oh, yeah, I love avocados.

SALLY
Come on, guys.

LINUS
And second.

SALLY
Okay.

LINUS
You don't grow a fake breast. It's implanted.

BUCK
Yeah.

SALLY
Exactly.

BUCK
Yeah, they don't grow breasts there. That's bull-BLEEP. Yeah, now I want some avocado toast. Son of a BLEEP! Okay, my notes that I took have now caught up to the recap, it left off with the six smiles speech.

LINUS
Pete makes Tad swear not to break Rosalee's heart. When Rosalee is in Tad's hotel room, his agents appear and inform him that the director has cast him in that film from earlier. Yeah. So he was, he was—What did they say? He was taking a breath. He was trying to figure out if he wanted to cast him in the movie. Tad is overjoyed and convinces Rosalee to accompany him to Los Angeles by employing Pete's six smiles speech. Yeah, that was, uh, that was pretty messed up.

BUCK
That was shady.

SALLY
Even his abs can't make up for that BLEEP.

BUCK
I mean…

LINUS
That's manipulative—

BUCK
Maybe.

LINUS
—as BLEEP.

SALLY
Let's watch that scene again and find out.

BUCK
Yeah, yeah. Oh, take a shot. We agreed again.

SALLY
Oh, my gosh.

BUCK
Well, yeah, we can agree on his abs. That's, that's something.

SALLY
Yeah.

BUCK
Yeah.

SALLY
After a rousing speech about great love by Angelica—

BUCK
Wait, wait. This is the first time this recap mentions Angelica.

SALLY
The last paragraph.

BUCK
The last paragraph and it's introducing—Oh, wait, sorry I interrupted you before it actually characterizes her. Sorry. Go ahead.

SALLY
She's a barmaid with a crush on Pete. Pete rushes to Rosalee, confessing his love. She is confused and resolves to still travel to California with Tad. On the plane, Tad fails to identify one of Rosalee's smiles and then confesses his love, prompting her to return home.

LINUS
Okay. Okay. First of all, I want to address something. You've been here the whole time, BLEEPin’ and complaining about the patriarchy, and yet you called a very successful bartender a barmaid.

SALLY
I didn't call her that. I read it!

BUCK
Yeah, it says barmaid in the recap that we’re reading.

LINUS
You coulda have corrected it.

SALLY
You could have corrected a lot of BLEEP.

BUCK
First of all, when Pete rushes to confess his love and then forcibly kisses her—

SALLY
Oh, yeah.

BUCK
Yeah, without consent.

SALLY
Without asking, he just smushes his face into her mouth.

BUCK
Yeah. He's, I'm assuming, partially intoxicated at this point, too.

SALLY
Yeah. He's slammed down whiskey or whatever brown liquor she's pouring him at the bar.

BUCK
And then she is like, oh, guess what, I love you. And then he's like, okay, cool. And then he just leaves. Like, he doesn't acknowledge the fact that Angelica says that she loves him. She's like, “You're my Tad Hamilton.”

SALLY
And your heart breaks.

BUCK
Yeah.

SALLY
My heart breaks.

LINUS
Angelica deserved better.

BUCK
Yeah. And Sally you don't even have a heart, so I don't even understand—

SALLY
I know.

BUCK
Yeah. Angelica is the heart and soul of this film. She needs a spinoff.

SALLY
Agreed.

BUCK
All right. So, I mean, I still don't see why we're supposed to root for Pete. Was it the six smiles speech that was supposed to endear us to him, I guess?

SALLY
I guess the puppy dog eyes, like whenever she appears. So, in our final chapter, Rosalee runs to Piggly Wiggly and to Pete's, where Angelica tells her how Pete feels and that he's going to Richmond to escape his heartbreak. Rosalee then drives furiously towards Richmond to find Pete. In a manner similar to that of the opening scene, Rosalee and Pete exit their cars and Pete asks her to dance. That is a terrible description of what happens.

LINUS
Yeah, they skip the whole part where she, she drives like a maniac to Pete's apartment or house or whatever, and Angelica is there, and Angelica's packing up his stuff. He, this, this BLEEP boy manipulated this woman's love for him.

SALLY
This angel named Angelica.

BUCK
It's in the name.

SALLY
Come on.

LINUS
Manipulated her into packing up his BLEEP because he was too much of a sad sack to do it before he moved to go to college. What the BLEEP, dude?

SALLY
The movie also wants us to think for a moment that Angelica and Pete did some BLEEPin’. Because she answers the door.

BUCK
Yeah, yeah, yeah. ‘Cause Rosalee comes to the door and she answers it, and she's like, oh, my God.

LINUS
I'm too late.

BUCK
Yeah, I’m too late. But, then Angelica is like, don't worry, I'm just packing up his stuff. So Pete emotionally manipulated her knowing that—knowing at this point that she loves him—to be like, oh yeah, I'm so sad about this one girl that I'm moving away. Can you box up all my BLEEP for me?

SALLY
I know, have you ever moved? It  BLEEPing sucks when you don't have six butlers do all your packing for you.

BUCK
I could not relate to that. Yeah, I mean, like, what if you only have five butlers instead of six, right?

SALLY
That would be a big inconvenience.

LINUS
Yeah, honestly, a lot less bags get moved at once. It's just, it, it increases it by a significant margin.

BUCK
Um, so I want to know, too, how fast he moved. That was like 4 hours ago, right? Like he literally made the decision to move, found a place to move to, and then packed up a lot of his stuff and left in like 4 hours. Like where is he living? Is he going to be living in his car?

LINUS
I mean, at this point, it wouldn't surprise me. He's just that sorry for himself. Also, also, can we talk about when she took Cathy's car, she took it first to Pete's house and then drove across state lines doing like 100 miles an hour.

SALLY
How's Cathy getting home from work?

LINUS
Yeah.

SALLY
Did anyone ever think about that?

BUCK
No. But we don't care about Cathy enough to really care, right? I mean—

SALLY
She just gets ugly hair, ugly clothes, no car.

LINUS
It's not about the Cathy of it all. It's the principle of the thing. These people are all terrible to each other.

BUCK
Yeah, it's true. Okay, so I'm trying to think of, like, the characters’ arcs. Cathy didn't grow at all because she's one dimensional. Pete didn’t grow as a person. And even though she's, like, really childish at first, I think at the end, Rosalee is still pretty childish. So, like, the only one who actually grows and learns in the entire film is Tad Hamilton.

LINUS
True.

BUCK
Because he gained the awareness that he shouldn't lie to her, and came clean and was honorable and told her that he stole Pete's smile speech. So…

LINUS
He turned his private jet around. Do you remember that one time that you forgot your contacts and Dad had to turn his around?

SALLY
Yeah, he was pissed.

LINUS
It's not easy.

BUCK
Yeah, that feels expensive, right? I would imagine.

LINUS
If anything, Pete devolved.

SALLY
And then got rewarded for it.

BUCK
Yeah. BLEEP this movie!

SALLY
Yeah. Why did he get what he wanted for being a little BLEEP?

BUCK
Can we just watch the movies that Tad Hamilton made, instead of the movie about Tad Hamilton?

SALLY
Like, can we just watch Tad Hamilton…

LINUS
I totally agree.

SALLY
…naked?

BUCK
Yes. Yeah. Let's say maybe the actor, after realizing that he is a manipulative BLEEP boy actor who uses his own movie lines to steal girls, not steal, he's not kidnaping, it's not that true crime parody.

SALLY
That–you really want that.

BUCK
I really want to see that true crime, yeah, story. So after he uses those lines and, you know, gets girls into bed and he realizes he's, you know, not a good person for doing that, maybe now in the future, he changes his career and becomes a porn actor. And then now we can just, like, watch him bang a ton of chicks without any sort of preconceived notion, and…

SALLY
That's—that's the movie we need.

LINUS
You know what, I, I love that journey for him.

BUCK
Yeah.

LINUS
I think that's a good idea. Game recognize game.

BUCK
I'm trying to think of, like, a fun parody of that. Like Win a Date with Gonad Hamilton?

SALLY
(laughs)

LINUS
Nads Hamilton.

BUCK
Nad Hamilton, Win a date with Nad Hamilton.

LINUS
Win a date with Nads Slam a Ton.

BUCK
Or win BLEEP with Tad Hamilton?

SALLY
Naked Josh Duhamel BLEEPing.

BUCK
That—

LINUS
Honestly, great title.

BUCK
Yeah I mean we were going for like a play on words, parody sort of—

SALLY
It does, I mean…

LINUS
Right. But, but you know, in Sally’s defense, it gets right to the point.

SALLY
Exactly.

BUCK
Yeah, it does.

SALLY
His point.

BUCK
Yeah.

LINUS
What you see is what you get.

BUCK
(laughs) Which is a lot of BLEEPing.

SALLY
Yes.

BUCK
Yeah. So much BLEEPing.

SALLY
Remember when—sorry I'm going back, but because I was thinking about his ass, but remember when her friend says he's got ass like cement or abs?

BUCK
It was like, yeah, it was either abs like cement or ass like cement.

LINUS
Regardless.

SALLY
Is that good?

LINUS
Do you want any part of your body to be like cement?

SALLY
No, not your body. You're like, the person you want to, like cement. You can't grab it. You can't—

LINUS
It's brittle. It's unforgiving, it’s—

BUCK
Well, like I get the expression, like abs of steel, because that has some sort of—

LINUS
So do I.

BUCK
Like sexy, sexy connotation. Shut up, Linus. But I just, don't understand abs of cement.

SALLY
Me either. I really think it was ass. Either way, it doesn't work.

BUCK
Yeah.

LINUS
Maybe, maybe that's why he was sitting down, at the restaurant, the bar, when he went to go. fingerquotes, poop at the bar. Maybe his ass is made of cement. He can't actually stand up to pee for some reason. It's just his prostate is clenched between the—

SALLY
No.

BUCK
Maybe that's why he has—

LINUS
That's head cannon for me.

BUCK
Yeah, maybe that's why he has good abs and good core strength, because he has to hold up all the weight of his, of his concrete ass.

LINUS
Totally.

SALLY
That's it. I solved it.

LINUS
I think that's what she means.

SALLY
Solved it.

BUCK
Does he have a superpower like we do? Like he has rock hard, literally, rock hard ass. Yeah, like you could—

SALLY
Let’s bring him on.

BUCK
Bounce a dime off of that, and then the dime might get chipped because the ass is so hard. Yeah.

LINUS
There you go.

SALLY
I mean, I'll test that for us. I volunteer.

BUCK
Wait, if it's cement, then it might be fireproof,too. How do you feel about that?

SALLY
I’ll test that as well.

BUCK
Okay. Okay. It's a risk that, that his ass is willing to take.

SALLY
I'm willing to take one for this team that I'm a part of, with you guys.

BUCK
I mean…

LINUS
Let's not go that far.

BUCK
Yeah. Definitely not a team.

SALLY
(evil laugh).

BUCK
Okay. So we've discussed the film and all of the toxic masculinity therein and I guess we need to give it a rating. So every one of these BlockBuckster movie episodes, I have one of the, you know, I have my guest give it a rating based on their power. So, Sally since you, since you create fire, maybe let's, I don't know, rate this out of fireballs, out of five fireballs. How many fireballs do you give Win a Date with Tad Hamilton?

SALLY
Five fireballs for hotness. One for plot and execution.

BUCK
Speaking of fireball, anyone playing along with the drinking game? I really hope that you were not listening to this podcast while driving, but yeah, I think—

SALLY
You should be up to about eight by now?

BUCK
I mean, we agreed at least four times. So that—

SALLY
I think it was more.

BUCK
That's at least 4 shots.

SALLY
Yeah. You should be feeling good.

BUCK
In like less than an hour. So, yeah.

LINUS
If you were listening to this podcast, you're probably asleep.

BUCK
For the six people that listen to this, good for you for sticking all the way to the end. Congratulations. You win no award. But yeah, that's it. You get nothing. Sorry.

SALLY
You get a buzz!

BUCK
Yeah, yeah, you get a buzz from the fireball. If you didn't have fireball, then I dunno, maybe go back and re-listen with like gas station vodka, anything really that will burn the throat and get the mind fuzzy.

SALLY
That's all you need.

LINUS
Anything really flammable.

BUCK
Yeah. I mean, we can't all be people that set others on fire. Though I have been called a flamer in my own right and I don't appreciate that. Since Sally gave it a rating, Linus, let's see. What do you think this deserves out of five… What's a horse term? Trots? No, that makes me think of, like, when you poop, like you got the trots. Umm, canters. Out of how many canters will you give this film?

LINUS
Overall, I'm going to give this movie five canters out of five.

SALLY
Why?

LINUS
Five out of five?

BUCK
Five canters? I'm speechless.

SALLY
You like cement ass?

LINUS
The cement ass is intriguing. No, I just—just nostalgic for it, I guess. I don't know.

BUCK
Okay, well—

LINUS
It was a simpler time.

SALLY
It was the John Mayer.

BUCK
Yeah, the soundtrack. The soundtrack was not bad.

LINUS
The John Mayer, the Liz Phair.

BUCK
Umm, well, as in the last two episodes, I have literally no good way to end these episodes. So I guess… I'm just stopping now. So I'd like to thank my guests. Linus Montgomery, thank you.

LINUS
Hey-oh!

BUCK
Thank you for being here. And Sally Montgomery, you’re a BLEEPing BLEEP and I hope you die and are arrested. Thank you.

SALLY
Bless you.

BUCK
I hope the police catch you soon and that's, that's it, everyone have a great day. Thanks.

LINUS
Bye.

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