Crossover Special: Second Fiddles + Care & Feeding of Werewolves

Care & Feeding of Werewolves / Second Fiddles Crossover

MUSIC: SECOND FIDDLES THEME

MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles– Wait, what? We’re not doing the usual recap thing? This is a crossover? I’m not needed? Uh, great. Later, losers!

SFX: RECORD SCRATCH
MUSIC: CARE&FEEDING THEME

INTRO VOICE
Kerfuffle and Chaos Productions presents Care and Feeding of Werewolves. A Second Fiddles Crossover Episode.

SFX: PHONE RINGING

JULIA
(THROUGH SPEAKERPHONE)
Marguerite’s Garden, now offering ambulance services. You maul ‘em, we haul ‘em.

MAX
Hey, I have a possibly… supernatural situation on my hands. Would I be able to stop in for a chat?

JULIA
Yeah, sure, when’s good?

MAX
That’s great! I can be there in like 10 seconds. Thanks!

SFX: BEEP

MAX
Okay, I entered the coordinates, I’m ready.

SFX: TELEPORTATION ZAP

JULIA
Holy crap, where did you come from?

MAX
Hey, I’m Max. I’m the one who just called.

JULIA
Geez, you weren’t kidding about being here in 10 seconds. What are you, a baby were-elk or something?

MAX
I’m human. Mostly. I think? I just have this giant rack of antlers growing out of my head. And some… other abilities. Could I talk to Hazel?

JULIA
Hey Hazel, you have a patient!

MAX
Thanks. I appreciate it.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

HAZEL
Who is it?

MAX
Oh, wow. Hi. You must be Hazel!

HAZEL
Uh, hi.  I don’t believe we’ve met?

MAX
Oh, no. Sorry. I’m Maxim Loft. You can call me Max. Or Buck, that’s my superhero name.

HAZEL
Superhero, as in cosplay?

MAX
Oh, sorry, I’m really bad at explaining, like, literally everything. I’m a superhero sidekick from Rose City. It’s a huge city on the Eastern seaboard.

HAZEL
I’ve never heard of it.

MAX
It’s a whole multiverse thing. I don’t think Rose City even exists here. I’m… from a different version of Earth where there are tens of thousands of humans with special powers and abilities. There are countless superheroes and villains. My Earth has some minor supernatural stuff going on, but nothing like this Earth.

HAZEL
Okay, if you’re from an alternate reality, how’d you get here?

MAX
Oh, it was Passport.

HAZEL
Judging by the context and lack of an article in that sentence, I’m assuming Passport’s some sort of technology?

MAX
No, Passport’s another powered person, like me. He can create portals that, like, send people through space, but not time. He teleported me here across dimensions.

HAZEL
Right, of course. Wait, then how’d you know my name?

MAX
I have an app that gives me access to millions of podcasts from different Earths. My sister stole it from someone and gave it to me last year for my birthday. Anyway, I’m a huge fan of your podcast. I love Care & Feeding of Werewolves!

JULIA
Our first fan! We hit the big time, Haze!

HAZEL
I can’t imagine how useful the advice is to you.  Are there even vampires in your world? What would happen if a vampire bit you? You’d be a moose-feratu!

MAX
Ooh, I like that. Or maybe Deer-acula!

HAZEL
Oh, oh I’m so sorry, that was so unprofessional of me. So, Max, what can I help you with?

MAX
I think the dialogue is more organic on this Earth, isn’t it? On my Earth, the dialogue is sometimes stilted, overwrought, and full of exposition. Oh, right, what brings me here. Well, I recently went through an unexpected physical transformation. I’m a sidekick, and my hero, the Stag, he was a giant deer with superpowers, and he was killed by a supervillain. Before he died, he somehow transferred his powers to me, and now I can regenerate, and I can kind of shoot laser beams out of my eyes, and I have these massive antlers now. They’re really inconvenient. I can’t fit through doorways without sidestepping, I can’t really sleep in a bed, and I have to wear button-ups now because I can’t fit anything over my head. I miss being able to wear tee-shirts.

HAZEL
Dude, breathe.  I see what you mean about the overwrought dialogue and exposition.

JULIA
(laughs)

MAX
Hmm. I don’t know if this is a supernatural thing, or alien technology, but I was wondering if you could help me figure out a way to lose these antlers?

HAZEL
Hmm, come on back. There are some things we can try. There’s more space in the workroom, you’ll probably be more comfortable there, but if you prefer privacy we can kick Julia out.

JULIA
Ay!

MAX
Thanks.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

HAZEL
Okay, first of all, do you feel any pain in your antlers?

MAX
No, they don’t have any nerve cells.

HAZEL
Okay. So, just in case, try to remain still as I do this.

MAX
You’re the boss, doc.

HAZEL
You sound like Julia.

MAX
Do you think we could talk about my laser beam eyeball stuff? When I get emotional, I can’t control it, and I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. And, to be honest, I have a history of anxiety. I had panic attacks in college, back when I was being bullied, and before I came out as gay, and now, because of my antlers, they’ve… kind of started up again.

HAZEL
Okay, just let me get this tool here goin.’ So, hold tight.

SFX: BEGIN FILING SOUNDS

HAZEL
It sounds like a couple DBT -dialectical behavior therapy- tricks might help you out. Just, let me get my foot on this to brace, there we go– The core of DBT’s called “wise mind.” The wise mind mediates between emotion and intellect. You know when you’re about to throttle your sister and you just– why won’t it– and you make the choice to go for a walk instead? That’s a wise mind moment. Okay, that’s not working. Plan B.

MAX
I think my sister likes being throttled, if you know what I mean. Ugh, gross. Sorry. Anyway, we’re talking about when I can’t control my emotions and lasers shoot from my eyes. That’s a little worse than being mad at my sister.

HAZEL:
Okay, TMI, but that’s when we break out the big guns. Well, so to speak. It’s actually pretty cool how some of these tricks hijack the lizard brain to literally change your heart rate and blood pressure in seconds and… and your eyes just glazed over, didn’t they?

MAX 
I’m sorry. Better glazed than shooting lasers! Also, I think one of my sister’s ex-boyfriends literally had a lizard brain. His name was Gordan Gecko. No, wait, I think I’m confusing my references…

HAZEL:
Okay, well that one’s not working either. Well, I’ll keep it short and then you can ask questions, okay?

MAX
Okie dokie!

HAZEL:
When you’re feeling yourself tense up, you can lean into it. Speaking of lean into it… brace yourself for this one.

MAX
Uhh, okay…

SFX: SAWING SOUNDS

HAZEL:
Hear me out. Lean into it. While you breathe in deep, clench all of your muscles and really let yourself feel that tension in your body. Then, while you breathe out, relax everything and keep your attention on how it feels –Let go, you blade! As that relaxation washes through your body. The theory behind this is that it’s hard to feel anxious and relaxed at the same time.

JULIA:
Yeah, they’ve, uh, never been on a really good date.

HAZEL: 
And you have? Anyway, It’s called Paired Muscle Relaxation, and it does help. I’ve used it myself. Of course, your mileage may vary. Do you hyperventilate?

MAX
What? No. Except one time. And that other time. But only those two, and that was before Bubbles the devilspawn hamster was finally adopted.

HAZEL:
I have so many questions, but I really don’t want to know the answers, so let’s just pack those up and throw ‘em away. Paced breathing’s good for that. You breathe in deep - five or six breaths a minute - and breathe out more slowly than you breathe in.

MAX
That’s… pretty standard.

HAZEL: 
Yeah, I was surprised something so basic and widely known was included in a ridiculously expensive training module from the late 1980’s, but then I remembered oh yeah, for profit healthcare system. If you can repackage it, you can resell it. Still, it is a useful skill for a lot of people. At least, in this world, so maybe it’s worth repeating a bit in yours. Now, where was that hacksaw?

JULIA:
Oh, my favorite one. Intense exercise. You spend the angry energy on something else, like running, lifting weights, or punching the living bejeezus out of something.

HAZEL:
Oh, that’s right. Yep, get those endorphins going, and you’ll feel less likely to laser blast someone into oblivion. Even better, working out like that regularly will lessen the need for emergency pushups. Not that I do those, but Julia does. Now, my favorite one is this one: Shock your face with cold. Dunk or splash it in cold water, put an ice pack over your eyes, something. Just trick that mammalian dive reflex into happening, assuming your world’s evolved along the same lines as our world, because if you didn’t have a mammalian dive reflex, and your eyes are glazing over again. Anyways, suddenly there you are. Normal heart rate, normal breathing. You’ll still be upset, but your autonomic nervous system won’t be making it worse.

MAX
I think one of my old frenemies used to talk about the diving reflex. He was an otter. Not the lean, hairy gay guy kind of otter. I mean, like, a river otter. Sorry, you were saying?

JULIA:
Ooh, I like otters. Anyway, tell him about the BLEEP that, no, BLEEP that one!

HAZEL:
Last but not least is opposite action. Or as Julia here likes to call it… well, you heard. That’s basically the gist of it. When you get the urge to do something you know is harmful, you do the exact opposite.

JULIA:
Basically, if you feel an urge and you ask yourself if it’s full of BLEEP or justified, and if it’s full of BLEEP, well…

HAZEL:
Do the opposite. What is the opposite of full of BLEEP? I don’t want to know.

MAX
So, if I feel like I’m going to shoot laser beams from my eyes, I should… what?

HAZEL
If the emotions aren’t justified, then do the opposite to what those emotions say you should do. Destroy BLEEP? Go make something instead. To hurt someone? Go do something good for someone. If the emotions are justified, try one of the other tricks, like shocking your face with cold water or paired relaxation. They’ll give you more time to process everything that’s trying to come out all at once. Oh, thanks for that.

SFX: END SAWING

HAZEL
Max, I’m sorry, but your antlers are regenerating as fast as I can saw or blast. You ok?  

MAX
Yes. No. I don’t know. Are my eyes glowing?

HAZEL:
A little, not much. Julia, cold water, please.

SFX: RUNNING WATER

JULIA:
Already on it. We’re good. Here you go, Max, just splash some on your face and hold your breath for a few seconds. Wiping your face after feels good, too. Yeah, there you go.

HAZEL:
Hm… dimmer, but still glowing. Want to try some paired relaxation?

MAX
Will it help? I’m already doing the breathing thing. 

HAZEL:
Good. Your eyes are almost out. I mean, glowing, not– I mean, they’re still in your head. Was that a close one for you?

MAX
Well, I kinda imagined living the rest of my life with antlers, and… yeah, it was… fairly close.

HAZEL
I’m sorry, Max.

MAX
Well, at least we tried. Hey, is Auto around? I’ve always wanted to see if my powers worked with mythological creatures.

HAZEL
Shooting laser beams at a dragon is probably not the best idea. But, I’m curious. For… science.

MAX
No, not those powers. My original powers, the ones I’ve had since I was a teenager, are to communicate telepathically with animals. That’s why I was working for a giant deer. I was his interpreter.

AUTO
(vocalizes)

HAZEL
Can you understand him?

MAX
He said that he’s a carnivore, and I smell like an herbivore. Well, I am a vegetarian, so that makes sense.

AUTO
(vocalizes)

MAX
Oh, he probably means the deer part of me. Sorry, Auto, I might smell like venison, but I think I’m human. I’m probably not that appetizing.

AUTO
(vocalizes)

MAX
Hey, buddy, you can try to eat me if you want, but you couldn’t get your mouth around more than a finger. I could step on you.

HAZEL
Speaking of fingers, ask him why he bit me the first time we met.

MAX
Ahh, sure.

AUTO
(vocalizes)

MAX
Yeah, he says he didn’t appreciate the thermometer.

HAZEL
Well then next time, don’t bite the thermometer!

AUTO
(vocalizes)

MAX
He’s telling me he’s really hungry. Could he get a snack?

HAZEL
(sigh) Of course.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY

MAX
It’s Julia, right?

JULIA
Yup. You really listen to the podcast?

MAX
Yeah, it’s great. I’m happy I’m actually meeting you. So, what’s it like being Hazel’s sidekick?

JULIA
I’m not a sidekick. I’m her nurse, if anything.

MAX
Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m a sidekick, and I love it! I just really like helping people, and it’s nice to not have quite as much responsibility.

JULIA
Hey, I have a ton of responsibility. I mean, I got my work at The Garden, sure, but I gotta earn more than that for rent. I work three jobs: The Garden, bouncer at The Pit, and I fight prize bouts to make up the rest. I’m only 16, dude, and ain’t none of that legal. That’s a lot. I help people because half my time, I’m hurting ‘em for money. I like fighting, but this underground BLEEP…I’d rather spar at the gym, you know?

MAX
I actually run a support group for sidekicks called Second Fiddles. It’s really just a handful of us sitting around whining and talking about our days, but they’ve turned into a sort of found family for me.

JULIA
Do I really give off sidekick vibes? I guess if I’m a sidekick I should know my backstory. Got missing family, a sidekick searches for them, right? Well, I don’t know the orc side of my family. I’ve been thinking about trying to find them. Maybe I should, I dunno. I’ve got a lot of reasons why maybe I shouldn’t. I’ve never exactly embraced my orcishness.

MAX
You know, one of the cool things about being a masked hero was that I could take off my costume and go about my day like everyone else. Now, there’s no point in having a secret identity. I can never go in public again without being recognized for my antlers.

JULIA
I get it. I dye my hair to cover the green tint, and stay out of the sun to keep my skin from turning kind of greenish, too. I get enough crap for being big and ugly, I don’t need it for being green, too. Speaking of that and all the DBT stuff, that kind of crap is why I work out so much. I could use a workout buddy. What do you say? 

MAX
Eh, I work out a lot already.

JULIA
Really? It doesn’t really look like it.

MAX
Does masturbation count as exercise?

JULIA
I- I don’t think so.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

MAX
Then yeah, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try something different.

HAZEL
Speaking of pumping lizards, Auto here ate some dried basilisk instead of his lunch. I’m going to need your help getting him to hork it up, Julia. Max, it’s been a pleasure. I’m sorry we couldn’t help more.

JULIA
Call me, bro!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY

AUTO
(vocalizes)

MAX
Did I just get bro’d? I don’t know how to feel about that.

SFX: TRANSITION STINGER

MACGUFFIN
So, will Max get a hold of his power? Will he take Julia up on his offer? Will Max become… a bro? Tune in next time on–

SFX: MUSIC FADE IN

CAFOW ANNOUNCER
AHEM! Good day. Thank you for listening. Today’s crossover episode was written by Mat Johnson and Frederick Elmore. Hazel was performed by Brenna Anderson-Dowd, Julia by Frederick Elmore, and featuring…

MACGUFFIN
Mat Johnson as Max, and John Pupo as me, MacGuffin. Hear more about the adventures of Max and his friends on Second Fiddles. You can find us wherever you enjoy podcasts, or visit secondfiddlespodcast.com for more information.

CAFOW ANNOUNCER
I said good day, sir! Care and Feeding of Werewolves is a podcast distributed by Kerfluffle and Chaos Productions and licensed under a Creative Commons Non-Commercial Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International. All content on the Care and Feeding of Werewolves podcast is fictional. Find us on Facebook or Tumblr at Care and Feeding of Werewolves, Tweet us at CareWerewolves, or email us at FeedingWerewolves@gmail.com. Please, rate and review. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only. Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of an episode.

HAZEL
Especially if you’re shooting freaking laser beams out of your freaking eyeballs! (laughs, sighs).

SFX: MUSIC FADE OUT