Blockbuckster Movies - Ep. 1 - The Beastmaster

INTRO MUSIC

BUCK
Welcome to the first episode of BlockBuckster movies. I am your host Buck, here with my sister, Pitch.

PITCH
(laughs)

BUCK
Yeah people can't see you make a face, we're doing a podcast.

PITCH
Fine. Hey!

BUCK
I have a love of 80s fantasy movies so that's what we're starting with, and as my power is to communicate with animals, we went with the iconic 1982 classic The Beastmaster, featuring a character who can communicate telepathically with animals, which I can definitely relate to. Um, so, I printed out a wikipedia plot summary and we're just gonna go through it and share our reactions. We literally just finished watching it, so hopefully it's fresh in our mind so we can rip it apart. Before we get into it, I wanted to ask you, Pitch, you've had a lot of tussles with henchpeople with weird names, so, are there any henchpeople names that come to mind when you think of Beastmaster?

PITCH
Well there was the Yeastmaster.

BUCK
Yeastmaster… Was this an angry baker of some kind?

PITCH
I wish.

BUCK
Oh god, what could the Yeastmaster do?

PITCH
So the Yeastmaster could literally give people yeast infections.

BUCK
Oh is that why you and linus stopped having sex last week?

PITCH
That would be the reason.

BUCK
So did you like, beat the Yeastmaster? Like, did– is that all taken care of now?

PITCH
Yes, both the Yeastmaster and my infection have been resolved.

BUCK
Anyway, uh, I'm gonna start reading this recap and then we'll talk about it as we go, I guess. Pitch, you ready?

PITCH
No ‘cause now I'm thinking all these horrible things about the Yeastmaster, like one of her, uh, one of her downfalls is that you can always smell her coming.

BUCK
(laughs)

PITCH
Because there is a definite odor related to yeast infections.

BUCK
I'm really happy I never have to encounter a vagina in my everyday life, yeah, girls are disgusting.

PITCH
It's not just the itching (laughs).

BUCK
Yeah I'll make sure to cut this. All right so let's get into this plot of the master in the kingdom of Aruk?

PITCH
Sure.

BUCK
Eric?

PITCH
No.

BUCK
Okay, in the kingdom of Aruk witches tell high priest Max? Is that, is that Max?

PITCH
I think they said Maax.

BUCK
Oh right. Maax. Oh god, uh are you gonna start calling me Maax from now on?

PITCH
Maybe.

BUCK
Great. Um okay, so in the kingdom of Aruk, witches tell high priest Maax the prophecy that he will die at the hands of King Zed's unborn son. Maax sends one of his witches to kidnap and kill the child, but before she can a villager rescues the child and raises him as his own son in the village of Emur? Eimer? Emmer? Yeah these names–

PITCH
Emur?

BUCK
It's like femur but without an f. Yeah this needs like phonetic spelling or something. Okay so that was a lot to put into two sentences. This doesn't say anything about the cow. Let's, let's talk about the cow. So the baby, the unborn baby that is the protagonist of this movie, was in his mother the queen's womb, in that uterus and um then the witches cast a spell on the baby. Oh wait, no, wait, the first–

PITCH
One witch with a cow walked into the hut where the king and queen were sleeping, poured the evil blue glowing liquid over their necks and then started hissing and chanting.

BUCK
Oh, right. Yeah. So they. They dumped blue, glowing liquid on their necks and then it, like, paralyzed them so they could perform magic on them. I wonder if Blue Moon has glowing spunk. I don't think in any of his videos he ever talked about his semen, but I mean, maybe it would glow blue.

PITCH
I mean, from the outside, the only part of him that glows is his butt. But I mean, it's the same sort of region of his body. Who knows?

BUCK
Yeah. I mean, he could have blue boners. I'm not sure.

PITCH
Maybe when he gets excited, he doesn't only get an erection. He also starts to glow from the front as well.

BUCK
Awww.

PITCH
Does he literally have blue balls? Is that where you were going? Because–

BUCK
No, that's a great idea. Okay, so I really hope he listens to this podcast because–

PITCH
We need answers.

BUCK
We need answers. Yeah. If you hear this Blue Moon, we want to know about your balls. All right, let's stop talking about Blue Moon now. Okay, so blue liquid was dumped on the king and queen's necks and it, like, paralyzed them. They cast a spell on the queen who was pregnant. The baby disappeared from in her womb and then appeared in what looked to be like the udder of the cow.

PITCH
Oh god, it was, wasn't it? Yeah.

BUCK
Yeah.So they transferred the baby into the cow and then immediately cut the baby out of the cow. And I want to know why they didn't just cut it out of the queen. Like, why transfer the baby into a cow with all this magic when you could have literally just cut her open and taken the baby out?

PITCH
Right.

BUCK
That's— that brings us to the baby, which is rescued from the witches by a villager who stumbles across them. He kills the witch, right?

PITCH
Yes. He brandished his sword at her and fought her. And then she pulled the sword from his hands with her magic, made it flip around in the air, and then inexplicably allowed it to land directly in front of him again. So then he grabbed it and stabbed her in the gut with it.

BUCK
Okay. So he stabbed the witch and then took the baby and then just, you know, brought the baby home with him to live its life rather than searching for its parents, I'm assuming. I don't know. They just fast forwarded until the kid was like, what, ten?

PITCH
Well, first he returned to the village and did the whole, like, Lion King thing.

BUCK
Oh, right. Yeah. He held the baby up in the air like Simba, and the villagers rejoiced. And then they did that.

PITCH
Without questioning it.

BUCK
Right. And then was a time jump. Right? Hmm. Okay. So that brings us to the next part of this description. It says: “Named Dar, the child learns to fight and fully develop his ability to telepathically communicate with animals.” Okay. So first of all, the name Dar to me just sounds like something a Pokemon would say. Like, Dar! Dar! So I want to call him Darmander from now on. Or maybe when he grows up, he's like Darmeleon or Darizard, but—

PITCH
Once he grew up, I'm only going to think of him by one title.

BUCK
Which is what.

PITCH
Thighmaster.

BUCK
Thighmaster? Oh, yeah. Okay. So rather than be a master, he should be Thighmaster. And we both observed the amount of exposed thighs throughout this, this film.

PITCH
The thighs were everywhere.

BUCK
Yeah. Like Dar’s thighs were on full display, like loincloth with full exposed thigh. The women had exposed thigh. The men had exposed thigh. It was just—

PITCH
The witches.

BUCK
Oh, yeah. Yeah. One of the witches. There is that moment where it was—

PITCH
There was butt, there was crack.

BUCK
Yeah. They were casting their spell. And, like, from a distance, I’m pretty sure that we saw a crack.

PITCH
Mm hmm.

BUCK
Yeah. So don't do crack, kids. It'll turn you into a witch. Okay. That was not funny. We're never going to even get through this plot, it's been 8 minutes, and we're like, three sentences in. Okay. So there was a time jump and he was older. And then the next sentence says, “Years later, a fully grown Dar witnesses his people being slaughtered by the Juns.

PITCH
The Juns.

BUCK
The Juns, a horde of fanatic barbarians allied with Maax. So Dar’s entire village, his entire everyone, including his, his adoptive father, are killed by the Juns. And then it says that Dar, the only survivor of the attack, journeys to Aruk to avenge his people. Aruk is the kingdom that this whole thing takes place in. So I guess he wasn't already in Aruk. I don't know. In time, Dar’s joined by a golden eagle, that he names Sharak, a pair of thieving ferrets he names Kodo and Podo, and a black tiger that he names Ruh. We have to talk about these animals, but first I want to go back to when they did the time jump to him being an adult. The first time that we see him on screen, he is working a hoe.

PITCH
(laugh)

BUCK
Okay. So he is, he's shirtless. I think maybe he wasn't shirtless, but he was thigh—


PITCH
He, he had that weird shirt that looked sort of like a, more like a blanket with a big slit cut in it. But I think part of his chest was exposed, but it was short enough so that it did not interfere with the thighs.

BUCK
Yeah. He had like loincloth and full thigh exposure, but partially covered on top while he was working a hoe in the fields. And that's the first that we see of adult Dar. And I have to admit, watching this as a young man, not quite sure of my sexuality, I'm pretty sure I was gay for Dar. Oh, my god, would that be gaydar?

PITCH
Oh, my god. I feel like I need to make a statement about the quality of his thighs because from an eighties movies perspective, the only thighs that I can recall from an eighties movie other than his, which were quite nice, would be the scene of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the speedo pulling a raft out of the water in Commando. I was pretty young when we watched that the first time, and I just remember stopping and just I think my mouth was open because I just had never seen thighs like that before in my life.

BUCK
Okay. So we need to talk about these animals now. There's the golden eagle that he keeps screaming to. Okay. So as someone who telepathically communicates with a bird on a regular basis, this is a shout out to Eloise, my falcon B.F.F. I love you, girl! So I don't need to speak with her, with my larynx or, like, with my mouth, because that's the whole point of telepathy, is that we use our brains to communicate. So the fact that the Beastmaster keeps going “caw, caw, caw” to communicate with Sharak is a slap in the face to animal telepaths around the world. So BLEEP you, Dar and BLEEP you, the writers of this movie, because you did not do your research.

PITCH
And it was only with the bird. He never made noises at the ferrets or the tiger.

BUCK
We're going to get into this later. But there are some issues with the ferrets that need to be addressed. One of the defining characteristics of them is that they're able to chew through ropes and cords and thick materials at a very rapid rate in which they're able to release people from their bonds or save people's lives at the last minute. And all right, people, ferrets are carnivores. They don't have rodent teeth. They're not rats. They're not beavers. They cannot just chew through a thick cable in 30 seconds to save the day. It's just bad research. Okay. Let’s actually let's go on to the next paragraph of this plot summary.

PITCH
Oh, I already have issues. Okay. So as they continue, Dar meets a slave girl. How very stereotypical of 1980’s. A slave girl called Kiri before getting himself lost and ending up surrounded by— This is quite the jump. This synopsis jumps right over all the “me too” moment type stuff.

BUCK
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let's just finish the sentence and then dive into the “me too” stuff.

PITCH
All right. So he meets a slave girl called Kiri before getting himself lost and ending up surrounded by an eerie half bird, half human race who externally dissolve their prey for nourishment.

BUCK
Yeah, I don't even know where to start with the body dissolving. Let's go back to when he first meets Kiri.

PITCH
Yeah.

BUCK
So the first time that we see her, I believe that she is topless.

PITCH
Yes. She and another one who we never meet again are topless and getting ready to dip into a pool in the middle of this seemingly desert habitat.

BUCK
Oh, yeah. So they take their top off to jump into the water, but they don't remove their loincloths from the bottom. So it's just, like, full boob, but concealed down below.

PITCH
Very ratings specific.

BUCK
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, 80’s movies.

PITCH
So then he has the ferrets run down to the shore and steal her top.

BUCK
Yes, he has, like, like a little evil glint in his eye. He's like, hey, ferrets, go steal her clothes to force her to be naked.

PITCH
Then he enlists the help of the tiger to act fearsome, to scare her so that he can run in and be the big man and save her.

BUCK
So he's a BLEEP. That's gaslighting.

PITCH
Mmm.

BUCK
And it's like borderline abuse.

PITCH
Oh, he, he also forced this time down her throat.

BUCK
Yeah. She was like, Oh, what's going on? And he's like, let me mouth kiss you real hard. But then she, like, tries to force him away.

PITCH
She trips him, and then sort of straddles him, like holding him down in a don't BLEEP with me kind of way. And then he flips her over and it became very uncomfortable.

BUCK
Oh, yeah. And then it's like he's all, like, dominating her and, like, he's trying to make it, like, a sexually charged moment. But then I forgot. She got away…?

PITCH
She left. She had to go back.

BUCK
Yeah. And then we don't see her again for a while, but yeah, that was gross. At this point. I just kind of want him to get canceled, but it never happens, and I'm disappointed about that. Like BLEEP you, 1982. Get with the program. Oh, yeah, if that was nowadays. That would never happen.

PITCH
Yeah, absolutely not.

BUCK
So let's talk about those bird people, the weird flappy skinned, externally dissolving bird people.

PITCH
Kind of the giant human version of a Venus flytrap.

BUCK
They hug people—

PITCH
The worst hugs I've ever seen in my life.

BUCK
Yeah. They hug a person goes into their embrace, they hug, wrap them with their weird arm, skin flaps, and then green goo oozes out.

PITCH
There's lots of shaking and noises and then they—

BUCK
Oh, yeah, I liked your venus flytrap analogy. Yeah. It's like a venus flytrap. Like I'm assuming the green goo is like acid, like stomach acid or digestive enzymes or something that quickly eats away at their body, but yet somehow leaves their clothing unaffected.

PITCH
Yeah.

BUCK
Yeah, which just dumps onto the ground. Yeah. That was disgusting.

PITCH
As the bird men worship eagles they spare Dar when he summons Sharak and they give him an amulet. So, yeah, I don't know anything. You know, if he's summoned the bird, the bird just flew down and landed on the bird sculpture under the weird tree of, like, glowing cocoon things that we never found out what those actually were.

BUCK
Oh, yeah, they looked like paper lanterns, but they were probably like egg sacks or something.

PITCH
Yeah, like they were, they were looking all ready to eat Dar and then the bird came in and landed on the sculpture and suddenly they were like, oh, they never spoke. And the entire movie, we never heard them speak. But then Dar has his sword brandished and the one guy closed his weird flappy things around the tip of the sword and that amulet with a bird on it, sort of was attached.

BUCK
I don't like how this description is calling them bird men. They had no feathers.

PITCH
No, they were fleshy.

BUCK
Yeah, they're fleshy and have, like, weird skin flaps. They're more like demon monsters. Yeah. I did not see bird men, like, how hard would it have been for the effects people to, like, make some feathers? What happened after the amulet was given to them by the birds?

PITCH
Nothing. He just puts it in his pack with the ferrets, I assume. So…

BUCK
Oh, wait. We need to talk about the ferrets in his pouch. Okay, so his ferret friends are just, when they're not being used—it's like slave labor. When they're not being used to help him out. He literally shoves them into a pouch at his side and they just hang in that pouch all the time.

PITCH
They do. I guess I'm, I'm pausing because aside from when they saved his life by inexplicably chewing through a limb of a tree before he drowned in quicksand.

BUCK
Oh, wait.

PITCH
I know the quicksand thing.

BUCK
Did we already skip past the quicksand part? Oh, yeah, that, that was a while back. See, this recap is leaving out all the juicy stuff, so. Yeah. So yeah, that's when you screamed at the TV like they're not BLEEPing beavers. Yeah, so yeah. So Dar falls into quicksand and the ferrets chew through a tree branch in like 10 seconds for him to use to get out.

PITCH
Mmhmm. And then one of the ferrets falls in, in the process of saving him and the ferret’s, like struggling in the quicksand forever and Dar is just, like, lalala. And then he finally, after the ferret disappears, shoves his hand in there and like, digs him out. Then he decides they're going with him.

BUCK
Yeah. They're like, Oh, we saved your life, and now we're friends. And then he gives them names. So he looks at the one ferret and he's like, your name is Kodo. And then he notices the other ferret and he's like, oh, BLEEP, I need a second name. So he's like, Podo, like, put some thought into it, dude, he's so frustrating. He doesn't understand anything. You know, I was trying to figure out what those ferrets were doing in that pouch the entire time, like were they just BLEEPing, they were just pooping. I'm assuming that entire pouch is just full of BLEEP. So later when he dumps the pouch out to prove that they're thieves and there's like, you know, little trinkets and stuff in there, I was waiting for, like, dried ferret SHIT just to, like, ooze out, but it never did. So I don't know if, like, the story just didn't want to address it, but inquiring minds want to know. Like, why couldn't he, like, just walk along with you instead of being shoved in a bag all the time? Was it because the tiger was there or the eagle and he was afraid that they would, like, eat them? Oh, yeah, you said that, too.

PITCH
I felt like the eagle would totally eat those ferrets.

BUCK
Um, what's next on the recap?

PITCH
All right, so next Dar soon arrives in… How are we saying this again? Aruk.

BUCK
Aruk. I don't know.

PITCH
Aruk where a may had assumed total control with the Jun's support. Maax has taken the children of the townspeople and is sacrificing them to his god, Arrrr. I have to say it that way, I’m sorry.

BUCK
The gods name was Ar?

PITCH
Yeah!

BUCK
I did not pick that up in the movie.

PITCH
Arrrr! I have to do it that way.

BUCK
So Maax and his pirate god. Yeah.

PITCH
After having Sharak the eagle save the child of a townsman named Sacco.

BUCK
Heh, Sacco.

PITCH
Dar learns that Kiri is to be sacrificed. Yes. So this eagle, Maax is holding this child up above this, on top of like, a pyramid. And he drops the child as a sacrifice into this fire, just like in A Christmas Story where Ralphie catches the edge of that slide. when Santa tries to push him down, the child catches the edge of the thing, and then Maax starts to poke at the child with his staff. And then the eagle comes in and lifts what looks to be like a four year old child without any, any issue up out of the flames and flies off with it into the distance.

BUCK
Yeah, I know what a bird that size can carry in their talons, and a four year old child is, umm, never going to happen. So I don't know what they're thinking. Maybe they thought everybody watching was a complete idiot. But yeah, a Golden Eagle will never be able to carry a child that big. End of story. That's it.

PITCH
Right? So. So that happens. And then Dar learns that Kiri is going to be sacrificed. And then on his way to save her, Dar is joined by Zed's younger son. So, apparently somewhere between his wife dying after the baby was stolen from her womb, he found time to find another woman and produce another child without incident.

BUCK
Yes.

PITCH
But, you know, they just skipped over all that. So he's, umm, is joined by Zed's younger son, Tal and his bodyguard, Seth, and learns that Kiri is Z's niece. Hmm. Ding, ding, ding, ding. As the three work to save her. While Seth gathers their forces, Dar helps Kiri and Tal infiltrate the temple and rescue King Zed.

BUCK
Okay, so Seth had some really good thigh game. You see Seth who like, essentially, yeah. Yeah, it says in here his bodyguard but what he wasn't guarding were those thick thighs. They were on full display after he removed his cloak a little bit later on. But his outfit at that point was looking a little bondage geary.

PITCH
I was just going to say, yeah.

BUCK
Yeah. Have you ever done anything like that?

PITCH
Linus probably doesn't want me to talk about that.

BUCK
I don't know why I even asked you. I will have nightmares. Okay.

PITCH
Speaking of thighs, we have not addressed Kiri’s thighs yet. Her thighs are exposed. Okay, but, you know, these days people like the Kardashians are always talking about thigh gap.

BUCK
Yeah.

PITCH
Well, I've never seen so much thigh gap on a human woman in my life. Like, her thigh gap was, like, three inches apart. Like you could fit another full grown woman's thigh in between her existing thighs.

BUCK
That's a lot of thigh gap.

PITCH
It's a lot. Interesting side note, the actress who played Kiri, Tanya Roberts, went on from this to play a character in a movie where she was able to talk to animals.

BUCK
Uhh, Shee…

PITCH
Sheena. Sheena, queen of the jungle.

BUCK
I haven't seen that in so long. Maybe we should watch that again, too.

PITCH
Didn't she ride a zebra?

BUCK
She rode a zebra. Wait. Was it just a horse?

PITCH
It was a horse painted like a zebra.

BUCK
Oh, my god. Oh, speaking of animals painted like other animals—

PITCH
Yes!

BUCK
The tiger Ruh. So he was like a black tiger, but it was obviously just a real tiger painted black. I looked up some of this stuff on the internet before we started recording this, and it says that they had to anesthetize the tigers, which there were four of them, that they dyed using nontoxic black vegetable paint. But some of the tigers like would be licking around their lips, like if they're drinking water, it would like get some of the dye off. So in certain shots in the movie, you can see like the orange kind of stripes around their mouth area. So that was awful. Oh, one more tangent. I also need to bring up something. When Dar was with his adoptive father, he was given what I like to refer to as a magical Swiss Army knife boomerang. It's this weird weapon that's like, it folds in and out and, like, he throws it like a boomerang at several times. And I just, I don't understand the physics behind it. It makes no sense. And I don't know what it's called, but it was like a weird Swiss Army boomerang.

PITCH
Oh, that reminds me. I knew a sidekick once called BoomerWang.

BUCK
Did you say Boomerang?

PITCH
No. BoomerWang.

BUCK
Oh, god. Why did he go by the name BoomerWang?

PITCH
Let's just say that when you thought he was finished, he'd surprise you and come back from the other side.

BUCK
With his penis?

PITCH
Well, yeah.

BUCK
Let's. Let's not talk about this. Okay.

PITCH
Okay.

BUCK
All right. So let's take a break from talking about Dar

PITCH
Dur!

BUCK
Dur and his animal band of misfits.

PITCH
And his fabulous thighs.

BUCK
And his fabulous thighs. And hear a word from our sponsors.

COMMERCIAL MUSIC

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COMMERCIAL MUSIC FADE OUT

BUCK
Wow. I don't know why our sponsor is your boyfriend's family, umm, but that was fun to hear all about those forcefield condoms. Umm. Terrifying. Okay, let's talk more about Beastmaster. Okay. So after they rescue the king, who is blind, by the way, which doesn't really matter, they put a blindfold over his eyes, but I think—

PITCH
That was the whole thing. Like, they just—

BUCK
Yeah. I think it's just because Dar didn't want to look at his eyes, so he's like, let me cover these with a blindfold.

PITCH
It was pretty creepy. 

BUCK
Yeah.

PITCH
I mean…

BUCK
But, like, he didn't even ask. He just was like, oh, you're blind. Let me cover your face. Like, that’s rude.

PITCH
With this, with this really dirty scrap of fabric.

BUCK
Yeah, that was rude.

PITCH
That I found on the floor, because I don't know where it came from.

BUCK
Okay, “So an obstinate King Zed, leads his forces to attack the city. Despite the prudent warnings of Dar, who leaves the group in anger. So, yeah, Dar's all like, hey, don't do this, it won't work. And Zed's like, screw you.

PITCH
But then he goes and sits like somewhere by himself, and there's actual tears running down his face.

BUCK
The guy who he saved his child earlier, Sacco, comes and tells him that everybody was defeated and captured because Dar was right. Obviously, otherwise there would be no plot. But at this point they really could have finished the movie anyway. But they decided like, hey, let's throw in another 30 minutes. Dar returns to save them from being sacrificed because Maax, his whole— Is this the plot? Like Maax wants to sacrifice people for no reason to his god. And that's the whole plot.

PITCH
It seems to be, that— there's that, and then there's the whole, the prophecy that Dar will kill him at some point.

BUCK
Oh, okay.

PITCH
That's why they took him in the first place.

BUCK
Oh. Okay.

PITCH
Zed’s unborn, the hissy witches were like, Zed's unborn son is going to kill you at some point.

BUCK
Oh, gotcha. Okay. In the conflict that follows, Maax reveals Dar's relationship to Zed before splitting Zed's throat and facing the Beastmaster. Despite being stabbed, Maax is revived by a witch and when he attempts to kill Dar, Kodo sacrifices himself to cause the high priest to fall into the sacrificial flames. Okay, so the death of that ferret was by far the most traumatic part of the movie for me.

PITCH
The most traumatic part for me was when the other ferret was just like, on the steps of the temple, like, looking, like, where did my friend go?

BUCK
Oh, yeah, yeah.

PITCH
That was the most emotional part of that entire movie.

BUCK
Yeah, with all the humans and the acting. Well, can we call it acting? I don't know.

PITCH
I mean, for the eighties, I guess.

BUCK
Yeah, but yeah. The one ferret looking for the other ferret after it, you know, died saving their lives. That was harsh. Like, I don't even want to think about it. So I like how we just breezed through, like, that whole plot. Like, yeah, this guy killed this guy and slit his throat, and then the king died and blabbity blah. And then a witch brought him back from the dead. Like, who cares? Like, just watch it, all right, yeah, you finish up the rest of this recap.

PITCH
The victory is short lived as the Jun horde approaches Aruk arriving by nightfall to face the trap that Dar and the people set for them. Tal is wounded as Dar succeeds in burning most of the Juns alive while defeating their chieftain before the bird men arrive to consume those remaining.

BUCK
They put that whole thing into one sentence.

PITCH
Yeah, that's kind of insane.

BUCK
So let's see. Let's unpack what's in there. Yeah, they beat the bad guy, but then the other bad guys that are worse come and they set a trap with tar. Right? Yeah. Like the whole, the town?

PITCH
Yeah, the town had that like moat of tar around it and so they covered the tar with dirt to make it look like the rest of the dirt. And then the men sort of rode into it on their horses, and then they attempted to set a fire. That's when Tal got shot with an arrow.

BUCK
All right. Yeah. And Tal, if those listening don't remember. Is the, uhh, the other son of the king who's like a young kid who—This is disgusting, but they showed his thighs too and like he was a little kid, like BLEEPing rein in your thigh exposure, okay?

PITCH
I mean, from that point, we kept just seeing like more and more of him. It was, like at the end, it was very sort of even though he was young, it was kind of Blue Lagoon, like, here's my little tiny diaper thing. And that's it. Creepy. No thank you.


BUCK
Yeah. No, thanks. Okay. So he's, like, shot with an arrow or whatever. And then most of the Juns were killed by being burned alive when they set the tar on fire, which was clearly just water that they shot in the dark. And they were like, oh, it's tar. They're splashing around in the fiery tar. And yeah, it's it's water. Yeah. So Dar and Tal and Seth and I think Kiri, we're like, surrounded by—

PITCH
The Juns.

BUCK
The Juns.

PITCH
Oh, and then is that when—No, it was before that. Before night fell, Dar had fished that sort of necklace thing out of his pouch and given it to the bird and was like go fly back to those weird people by that strange tree.

BUCK
But we didn't know that's why he told him, because all we heard was—

PITCH
(bird sounds)

BUCK
(bird sounds)

BUCK
Yeah, so he set the bird to go get the bird people that don't look like bird people. And in what is arguably one of the most chilling or terrifying moments of the movie, they're surrounded by the Juns, and then all of a sudden the creepy bird people come up behind all of them, envelop them in their weird venus flytrap skin flaps, and then just consume the army. And then just that's it, Dars like we got to go by and they just like peace out. And then he shares like a knowing glance with one of the bird people, which I don't know.

PITCH
Who seemed to be above him. Like apparently they flew in and they flew away because when they appeared, they just sort of it was like they just suddenly popped up from the ground behind each of the Juns and then would just wrap their wings, things or whatever around them and start consuming them. But then Dar was looking up at the guy.

BUCK
Yeah.

PITCH
And then there was like fly sort of noises.

BUCK
Yeah. The bird men arrived to eat the rest of the people. What happened after that?

PITCH
The following day, Seth invites Dar to be the new king, but Dar explains that Tal would make a better king and he leaves Aruk. Dar sets off into the wild with Kiri, Ruh, Sharak and Podo, who has given birth to two baby ferrets.

BUCK
Okay, so Podo, the ferret, had babies, which means that Podo had been pregnant by Kodo before Kodo died.

PITCH
And we know what they were doing in that sack all day long.

BUCK
So rather than BLEEPing like I thought they were doing in that pouch, they were literally just they were BLEEPing, so yeah, so there's a lot of dirty, stinky ferret sex going on in that pouch and then they made some cute little babies.

PITCH
So cute.

BUCK
That was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. When the ferret was, like, poking its head out of the pouch. And then the tiger came up.

PITCH
Yeah, and I like booped noses. Yeah, that was the best part of the entire movie.

BUCK
Yeah, the whole movie should have just been a tiger booping noses with a ferret.

PITCH
Yeah.

BUCK
Okay. So, yeah, Dar sets off with his cousin girlfriend Kiri, who is a very poorly written woman, I have to say. I mean, she was a little sassy at times and, like, fought back and tripped him a few times, but other than that, she was just kind of like, dumb and useless.

PITCH
Yeah.

BUCK
Yeah.

PITCH
Yeah.

BUCK
And then. Yeah. So his little brother Tal is the new king, even though he's the firstborn, so he should be king. Okay, so that was the entire recap. I'm looking at my notes. Oh, okay. There was one thing, when they were going into the temple earlier on to, like, break in to kill Maax, and there was like all the booby traps. I was thinking you told me once about a henchy named Booby Trap.

PITCH
Oh, god.

BUCK
Yeah, but I couldn't remember, like, what was her power? I can't remember.

PITCH
Kind of like Blue Moon’s, but without the glowing, she just has, like, the most perfect pair of tits in the world, and they're 100% natural. Give me a break. Yeah. So she would just, you know, flash the ladies and people do whatever she wants.

BUCK
So she was laying a booby trap for everybody.

PITCH
Literal booby trap.

BUCK
Hence the name Booby Trap. Okay.

PITCH
Most of the movies that we've seen from the eighties have boobies at some point.

BUCK
Except for the ones with puppets. What were their puppet boobies?

PITCH
I can't think of a specific example, but at the same time I feel like there probably were somewhere, you just find the right film.

BUCK
I mean, I'm happy that we are finally in the era of gratuitous, flaccid BLEEPs. Too many times now will I see a movie in which there's just a floppy BLEEP bouncing around. And I mean, if you're going to show boobs all the time, you might as well show some BLEEP. So good for you, Hollywood. You're catching up with the times.

PITCH
It's only fair.

BUCK
All right. So I looked up some trivia from the movie. And the one thing I saw that really tickled my fancy. Eww, who says tickled their fancy? Am I like grandpa?

PITCH
And is it supposed to be dirty because it sounds dirty.

BUCK
So. Okay, so the trivia that I found was that the eagle playing Sharak, which I think there was only one eagle, there were like 25 ferrets used and four tigers, but only one eagle from what I could find, and it refused often to fly on cue. So in order to get some footage of it actually flying in the air, it was and I quote, “dropped from a trap door in a hot air balloon.”

BUCK
So that bird was literally just like thrown out of a balloon. And they're like, have fun. And that's how they got it on camera.

PITCH
Lovely. So I was wondering, because there's so many animals in this movie and I don't know why I've never thought about this before, but like, could you hear the thoughts of the animals that were in the movie?

BUCK
So like with modern movies or like things that are done like digitally, not really. But when they're captured on film, I kind of am able to read a psychic imprint of what the animals were thinking, because it's not like you need audio equipment to record it because it's their thoughts. And yeah, it's kind of trapped in film. So when I was watching this, I was able to glean a little bit of what the animals were thinking. So that makes sense now that I'm reading this about the eagle from the trapdoor, because one of the shots of it flying in the air, all I could get was like an overwhelming sense of BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP, and the eagle was just not having it. Like they were probably like slightly starving it for food training, like to get it motivated to, fly from glove to glove or whatever and it was pissed. It did not want to do anything and they just like threw it out of a BLEEPing balloon. So no wonder it seemed so pissed, like I could feel the anger. Like there was almost an aura of anger, like projecting itself through the TV screen. It was disgusting.

BUCK
So we're trying to come up with a rating system for how to rate these movies. So I think it would be great to base it on the powers of my co-host. So today, since I am discussing this movie with Pitch, we should rate this out of five shrieks. So my sonic screaming sister, how many shrieks do you give this movie out of five and you can discuss what your criteria are?

PITCH
I know, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to figure out what my criteria are, like, am I rating it solely based on other similar movies of the time?

BUCK
Maybe less on like acting or like quality and more on entertainment value? Like, would you watch it again? Like, was it traumatizing?

PITCH
My gut is telling me to give it three.

BUCK
Three.

PITCH
Three shrieks. All right? Like we made it through the movie. You know, we're definitely entertained.

BUCK
Well, for those purposes, why don't you give me three eagle cry shrieks?

PITCH
Oh, this is so horrible. (three echoing bird calls)

BUCK
(laughter) All right. So I feel like now that we've gone through this, we should have some wine. Maybe watch another one for later. Or what if we do a cartoon? What about something like The Last Unicorn?

PITCH
I'm definitely going to need wine for The Last Unicorn and a big box of Kleenex, like brand new box, just ripped the top off.

BUCK
I'm going to be honest with you. I don't remember The Last Unicorn. I mean, I know he saw it, but I think I only watched it once.

PITCH
Well, I mean, back then, unicorns were really my jam and not yours.

BUCK
I think the listeners would love to know that as a little girl, this tough ass BLEEP here, Pitch was into unicorns. She BLEEPing loved unicorns.

PITCH
It does seem kind of strange because I am a badass, but I really, the more I think about it, I think it was more just a phallic sort of a thing.

BUCK
Oh, like the horn was like, it just drew you in.

PITCH
Oh, yeah.

BUCK
Like how BLEEPs draw you in now?

PITCH
Absolutely!

BUCK
But why didn't I like unicorns? Because I also love a good BLEEP. I don't know. Maybe it was just because—

PITCH
You hate glitter.

BUCK
Oh, I do hate glitter. Yeah. I'm always afraid that the glitter is, like, gonna get in my eyeball and, like, blind me somehow. So, yeah, maybe I don't like the rainbows and the glitter. I just like the strong, muscular horse with a weapon on its head. Oh, god, is this going to turn me on?

PITCH
It's turning me on a little bit like— (laughter).

BUCK
Okay, yeah.

PITCH
Stop talking about.

BUCK
No, I mean, like, I'm not into animals. That's disgusting, but, like, I'm not into fish like that aqua dude, you know, the one that has sex with fish. But I just, I can appreciate a muscular animal. That's it. Am I gonna get canceled? Okay. I really don't know what to do from here. We talked about the movie.

PITCH
Given a rating.

BUCK
Yeah, we've given it a rating. This feels really anticlimactic.

PITCH
Hmm.

BUCK
Yeah. All right. I have no idea how to wrap this up, so I think we should just stop. So join me next time for another episode of BlockBuckster movies, where I will explore different genres and different eras with different co-hosts. And that's my description of it. Honestly, all I can think about still is the Yeast Master. So anyone listening who might be dealing with a yeast infection, make sure to drink your cranberry juice.

PITCH
Not cranberry juice. Cranberry juice is for UTIs, you idiot. You've got to eat yogurt for yeast infections.

BUCK
Okay, I obviously know nothing about vaginas, so I'm gonna shut up now.

PITCH
Penises can get yeast infections too.

BUCK
Penises can what?

PITCH
Yes.

BUCK
I thought yeast infections were just girl things.

PITCH
Nope.

BUCK
Oh, my god. Wait. I need to know everything. Tell me everything you know about yeast.

PITCH
Well, I don't know everything about yeast as it relates to your BLEEP.

BUCK
Oh, god. Okay, I'm gonna go on WebMD and everyone else have a great day.

PITCH
Idiot.

THEME MUSIC

PITCH
Idiot.