Second Fiddles

Episode 23 – Intergalactic Phone Sex

August 11, 2022 Second Fiddles Season 2 Episode 10
Second Fiddles
Episode 23 – Intergalactic Phone Sex
Show Notes Transcript

Max gets an unexpected phone call.

23 - Intergalactic Phone Sex

SOUND: OPENING MUSIC

MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Invisidude was accidentally sent up to space in Ren’s place. He and the rest of the crew, Cam and Sophia, are en route to track down the missing A-league. That’s all I know. I can’t see that far into space with my powers, remember? Meanwhile, Max is mopey and lonely, but at least he started leaving his dumpy apartment for the first time since he sprouted those giant honking antlers. He’s been spending more time with my son, which is... whatever, because I’m still adjusting to the whole disowning-him thing. I’m so over this recap. Let’s begin!

MAT
Episode 23: Intergalactic Phone Sex. Hey, Mom, don’t listen to this one. Thanks…

SOUND: PHONE RINGS

MAX
Hey, what number is this? I don’t even have a warranty to extend, so please don’t be from the–

ID
Max?

MAX
Hello?

ID
Can you hear me? Max?

MAX
Elijah? I can hear you! K-kind of.

ID
Max! Is that you?

MAX
Yes! Yeah. Yeah. You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice.

ID
I miss you!

MAX
I miss you too! How is this happening? How did you reach my cell phone?

ID
I’m traveling in a ship that can jump through wormholes. Technologically speaking, I’m pretty sure that calling your phone isn’t too difficult.

MAX
Good point. How are you?

ID
Well, I’m stuck in a spaceship traveling toward an intergalactic war zone. So, you know, just peachy.

MAX
Are you okay? Physically?

ID
Yeah. My arms and legs were a little weak when I woke up from stasis a few days ago, but now I feel fine. When I don’t look out a window.

MAX
How are you coping with everything? If you’re freaking out as much as I was when I found out, I totally empathize.

ID
At first I was groggy and confused, but once the brain fog lifted, and Sophia explained to me what happened, I was okay. I mean, I’d rather be with you, and I wish Ren was here in my place, but Sophia and Cam are good company.

MAX
Cam?

ID
Yeah, Chameleon. They’re super cool.

MAX
Are either of them there right now? Is it either or either?

ID
I think you can say either or either for either or either one of them. Nah, they’re sleeping.

MAX
What time is it for you?

ID
Time is relative to what planet you’re on, I think. I have no sense of day or time. We just sleep when we’re tired.

MAX
Did you call your parents?

ID
Yeah, I just got done talking to them. Sorry I didn’t call until now, I had to wait until we’d clarified our route and finalized our trajectory.

MAX
Are you learning about space navigation?

ID
Nope. Thank god for Sophia! Her brain is the only thing keeping us afloat.

MAX
Oh, hey, that just reminded me. Are you floating?

ID
Oh, no, no. We have artificial gravity. If we didn’t, I’d probably be freaking out way more.

MAX
Do you know where you are right now?

ID
Not exactly. Our jumps are complete, and we’re in the final stretch toward the Kromin Empire’s base of operations. It’s like a huge space station that acts as their trade hub. In their language, it’s called the Toylitt.
 
MAX
Toilet? (laughs) Oh, you’re serious.

ID
Hey, don’t judge. I doubt they considered the English language when they were naming it.

MAX
Good point. So what, you’re just gonna drive up and be like “honk, honk, hey guys, don’t kill us!”

ID
If we approach and signal our diplomatic intentions, we’re hoping they’ll give us a chance to board and ask questions about the A-league. I’ve heard the Kromins are greedy and ruthless, but they’re also honorable, so we’ll see how it goes. I’m going to be the backup plan. You know, help the team vanish from sight if need be?

MAX
Good. That’s good.

ID
Max? Are you there?

MAX
Yeah, sorry. I don’t know what to say.

ID
My life is boring. I’m just stuck in a flying box, eating dehydrated astronaut food while hurtling toward some scary aliens. I need a distraction. And some gossip.

MAX
Ummm.

ID
Please don’t sugar-coat things to make me happy. I need some honesty right now. If you’re feeling bad, let me know.

MAX
I’m feeling bad. Really bad. But I’m better than I was when you left.

ID
Has Tammy been helping a lot?

MAX
Yeah, she’s been helping a bunch, but she’s been busy with her new job with the B-league. Ren would help more, but she’s stuck working multiple jobs. Honestly, the one helping me the most is… Linus.

ID
What? I don’t think I heard you correctly.

MAX
Oh, oh, sorry. I said: Linus. Has. Been. Helping. Me.

ID
I was joking, I heard you the first time. So, spending time with Linus... How does that make you feel?

MAX
Good, I think. He’s been going outside with me on walks to keep me company. He knows I’m really insecure about my antlers being seen in public, so he’s always there to lighten the mood. He’s been training to make his force fields bend light, to make us invisible if we need to be. He’s almost perfected it. Don’t tell him I said this, but I think he’ll actually make a great hero one day.

ID
Is this the same Max? Is this a multiverse thing? Do wormholes jump into alternate universes?

MAX
No, it’s me. Sorry, a lot has happened in the last few weeks. Linus isn’t as bad as I thought.

ID
Well I certainly didn’t think you and Tammy would start sharing a boyfriend! He’s there to go on walks with you, protect you, and make you invisible... I guess you don’t need me after all.

MAX
Oh shut up, you know you’re the only boyfriend I want.

ID
Oh, is that so? I’m definitely your only boyfriend?

MAX
Everyone is probably sick of me whining about how much I miss you. They keep reminding me that we barely know each other, and defining a relationship after a couple conversations is crazy, but I don’t care.

ID
Hey, I’ve known you for much longer, so I think that helps.

MAX
Maybe!

ID
Okay, I’m still fixating on Linus. It’s hard not to be jealous when you’re hanging out with someone so rich and gorgeous.

MAX
Elijah. He’s not gay.

ID
You didn’t say he wasn’t gorgeous. And if he was gay, would that make a difference?

MAX
No! If he was, he wouldn’t be dating my sister, and we would’ve never had the chance to bond.

ID
So you’re like 100% sure your hatred of him wasn’t based on some unrequited crush you had on him?

MAX
A hot bully is still a bully. If Hitler had been hot, he still would’ve been HITLER. So, you know, irredeemable?

ID
But it sounds like Linus has been redeemed. Especially if he’s coming over to see you so often.

MAX
Oh, he doesn’t need to come over, he kind of lives here.

ID
What are you talking about?

MAX
His dad kicked him out and cut him off. He’s poor now, and slumming it with us. He and Tammy are sharing a room.

ID
Okay, that’s news to me. You probably should’ve led with that.

MAX
Sorry, your jealousy is a little distracting. It’s hard to focus on remembering what you haven’t been around for while I’ve been doing everything in my power to not cry right now.

ID
Max. What’s wrong?

MAX
I’ve done nothing but worry about you for weeks. I’ve been dreaming of the moment when I could hear your voice, or hold your hand, and I’m finally talking to you again, and you’re grilling me to see if I have feelings for my sister’s boyfriend. That’s BLEEPed up. How many times do I have to say that I like you? A lot! And, not that I need to tell you this, but I think you’re really hot. Like, so hot that I’m way too excited right now thinking about your smile.

ID
When you say excited–

MAX
I’m... referring to my penis.

ID
I really wish I wasn’t stuck on this spaceship right now. Okay. Max. Please don’t cry. Crying with a boner sounds even sadder than I feel right now. Oh god, I’m doing this all wrong.

MAX
You’re not doing anything wrong. Wait, why are you sad?

ID
You know I’ve never had a boyfriend before. You’re the only person I’ve ever kissed. I don’t know how to be in a relationship, especially a long distance one. And I think it would be hard for anyone not to be jealous of Linus. Objectively speaking, he’s a stud. You know that.

MAX
Gross. Never call him that again.

ID
Sorry. Max, how are we supposed to do this, when I’m galaxies away from you?

MAX
Do you think you could use some... space?

ID
What? Oh my god, no, of course I don’t want space.

MAX
That was a joke, because you’re like, in outer space. You already have a huge amount of space. Get it?

ID
Oh my god. And I thought my jokes were bad.

MAX
That’s what I’m here for!

ID
I can imagine the smarmy, gloating smirk you make every time you crack a terrible joke, and… I wanna kiss that face so hard.

MAX
Elijah! Is this going to turn into intergalactic phone sex?

ID
Hey, you’re the one who HAD to bring up your erection. Bring it up? Get it?

MAX
No wonder the universe separated us, it couldn’t handle both our senses of humor at the same time.

ID
I’m so happy for my powers right now. No need to be embarrassed about a boner when no one can see it!

MAX
Let’s please talk about something other than our dicks, or I’m going to have to end this call prematurely.

ID
I think they make medicine for that.

MAX
Okay, topic change!

ID
Ummm, how’s Ren doing? Relieved she’s not out here doing the spaceship thing?

MAX
Uh, she’s been better.

ID
Does she miss Sophia?

MAX
Well, she’s happy she’s not away from her family, so that’s something, but she had to go back to working for Lucid Lucy.

ID
Oh, yuck. That sucks.

MAX
Yeah. And she’s working at Pet Universe, too, and she’s helping train her sister how to use her powers. And she has this whole contentious thing going on with Linus’s sister. It’s a lot.

ID
A thing with Sally? What happened?

MAX
Well, Sally showed up at Pet Universe when Ren was working, and Ren confronted her without thinking, and gave away her secret identity.

ID
Is she okay?

MAX
Yeah, they didn’t fight or anything.

ID
Oh. That’s… surprising.

MAX
Ren isn’t sure if Sally wants to kill her or bang her.

ID
My guess is both. At the same time.

MAX
Yeah. So Ren’s trying to figure out if she needs to protect her family from Sally. She’s stressed out.

ID
Yeah, Sally’s an equal amount of bark and bite.

MAX
She is a BLEEP, so the analogy works.

ID
What did you say about Ren’s sister having powers?

MAX
Ren’s been working with her sister Cassie to figure out exactly what her powers are. She’s kind of like a living compass. As of right now, she can’t get lost, and she always knows just how to get wherever she’s headed.

ID
That’s cool.

MAX
They’re working on locating specific objects and places now, too. Like, Ren couldn’t find Sophia’s kitten, Eliot, and Cassie knew where to go to find him under the bed. It doesn’t always work, though, and they don’t know why.

ID
Well, that’s pretty handy. It’s like one of those TV shows with witches, where they can’t find something, so they cast a “locator spell” that points them in the right direction.

MAX
Are you making a Vampire Diaries reference or a Buffy the Vampire Slayer reference?

ID
Vampire Diaries.

MAX
Either or either answer would’ve been great. I wonder why so many vampire shows also have witches.

ID
And werewolves.

MAX
Yeah, can’t there be a show about JUST vampires? No other fancy magical creatures?

ID
Shadowhunters, too. Werewolves, vampires, and warlocks.

MAX
Oh, and True Blood.

ID
I’m starting to see how unoriginal some of these worlds are.

MAX
Whatever. Everything’s derivative of something these days.

ID
You speak the truth. So, after all is said and done, Ren’s holding it together?

MAX
I think she’s safe from Sally for the time being. It’s just a feeling, but I hope it’s accurate. Ren did tell me something disturbing, though.

ID
What?

MAX
Sally implied that it was planned for me to get the Stag’s powers, because I wouldn’t be able to use them the right way.

ID
What’s that supposed to mean?

MAX
I don’t know. Whatever danger is coming that the aliens had prepared the Stag for, I’ll need to be ready for, too. I think Macguffin knew that, and wanted to orchestrate the whole thing so that whatever devastation is coming will wipe out most of the human race. Or something like that.

ID
Are we talking nukes, or an alien invasion, or a planet-destroying death ray?

MAX
I have no clue! It’s a lot of pressure. I can’t even get one lousy laser beam to shoot out of my eyes on command.

ID
If the Stag was supposed to save the world, why was he so easily killable? If he couldn’t take out Sally Mander, what hope was he against this looming threat?

MAX
You’re asking good questions, but I don’t have the answers.

ID
Sheesh. This is a lot to process. Is there anything else I missed? How’s Tammy doing?

MAX
Tammy’s about to finish her first round of sidekick auditions.

ID
Has she had any luck yet?

MAX
She had three interviews this week. Well, two, if you count the pair that auditioned together as one sidekick.

ID
Oh, I need to hear this story.

MAX
These brothers came in together. They called themselves the Super Shoes. Their aliases were Gumshoe and Shoehorn.

ID
Oh geez. Were they amateur private investigators? That’s what a gumshoe is, right? A detective?

MAX
Yeah, they were definitely not detectives.

ID
Tammy barely has patience for one stupid sidekick. I’m guessing she wants nothing to do with a pair of them.

MAX
Nope.

ID
What were their powers?

MAX
She wasn’t very specific when she told me. Shoehorn’s power is to force himself to fit into things, but just barely.

ID
That sounds… rapey.

MAX
His brother Gumshoe can climb walls by making his shoes really sticky.

ID
Wow, I feel like walking on walls takes a lot of core strength.

MAX
Maybe he uses his hands, too.

ID
Hmm.

MAX
Oh, she mentioned another guy she interviewed. His name was… umm… Prehistoric.

ID
Like, his name was old, or that was his name?

MAX
Sorry, I didn’t say it right. His name was Prehistor. Rick. Like Richard.

ID
Huh. Was he super old or immortal or something? Someone like that could be a wealth of knowledge.

MAX
No. He’s a time traveler, but he can only travel in one million-year increments.

ID
That sounds cool, but not super useful. Can he only go to the past and back, or can he go to the future?

MAX
Hey, I asked the same question!

ID
We think alike.

MAX
He’s never tried going to the future because he’s afraid there won’t be a planet anymore, so he doesn’t want to die. He’d rather risk dinosaurs.

ID
I feel like he shouldn’t work as a sidekick. He should work for paleontologists or museums or something.

MAX
That’s what I said too!

ID
I hope Tammy finds someone she gets along with.

MAX
Me too. But she doesn’t really get along with anyone.

ID
She gets along with me and everyone in the Second Fiddles group. And Linus.

MAX
Linus is kind of in the group now, too.

ID
Uh, yeesh.

MAX
Eh, it’s been good so far. Without Sophia, Ren needed someone new to talk to. Hey, what about me?

ID
What about you?

MAX
Why can’t I be Tammy’s sidekick?

ID
Uhh, family should never work together. Isn’t that a thing?

MAX
But weren’t your parents both super-spies together?

ID
Yeah, they were both super-spies, but they worked separately. Spying isn’t really a group activity.

MAX
Oh, that makes sense.

ID
And I don’t have siblings, but I imagine working with your sister could be a little trying. Would she respect your input, or would she just do what she wants instead?

MAX
Good point. But I can’t see her doing that with anyone.

ID
How has she worked as a sidekick for all these years and not learned how to get along with other people?

MAX
Why do you think she’s gone through so many heroes?

ID
Normally a sidekick who’s hard to work with has trouble finding a new job. You know, word of mouth.

MAX
I don’t think she’s ever cared about that. And she has a proven track record of kicking ass, so I think heroes have tried to overlook her… quirks.

ID
Quirks?

MAX
Okay, she can be stubborn. And grouchy. And hasty.

ID
Even if she finds a sidekick she likes, what’s to say the sidekick doesn’t quit once they get to know her?

MAX
I never thought of it that way.

ID
Well, I’ll be interested to see who she chooses.

MAX
Me too. So, what’s space like?

ID
Umm, it’s very dark and spacey.

MAX
That’s it?

ID
I don’t know. I like having my feet on solid ground. Sophia and Cam think it’s beautiful, but I just want to come home. I miss my parents a lot. And you, obviously.

MAX
When you travel back, after the mission is complete, will you be in stasis again?

ID
Yeah, while we travel through the wormholes.

MAX
So it’ll be over a month for me to wait, but less time for you?

ID
I don’t know the math, but yeah, I’ll be seeing you sooner than you’ll be seeing me.

MAX
Well, that’s the silver lining to traveling by spaceship, I guess.

ID
I’ve been daydreaming of what it’s gonna be like to see you again. There are so many things I want to say, and do.

MAX
Do? Mmm. Like what?

ID
Hey, mister. Watch it. You’re right, this is turning into phone sex. By “do things,” I meant, like, go places together, watch movies. You know, normal couple stuff.

MAX
I know, I was just teasing. What else have you been daydreaming about?

ID
It’s stupid.

MAX
No, tell me.

ID
It’s embarrassing.

MAX
Please?

ID
Don’t judge me?

MAX
Never.

ID
I’m trying to see what our future could look like. But at this point, it’s more of a fairy tale than a realistic plan.

MAX
You know, one time Tammy fought a henchie named Fairy Tail.

ID
Uh oh, what, was he a gay guy who liked to tell longwinded stories?

MAX
No, it was a lady with butterfly wings and a long, naked, scaly rat tail.

ID
Ewww.

MAX
Yeah. I don’t understand the physics behind that power. She could fly, but there’s no way butterfly wings could support her weight.

ID
Maybe she could levitate a little.

MAX
Maybe, I don’t know. So, what did our future look like to you?

ID
Well, we would date for a while, to see how we get along after the initial lusty honeymoon phase starts to fade away.

MAX
That might take a while.

ID
I’m willing to put it in.

MAX
What?

ID
The time. I’m willing to put in the time.

MAX
Me too. And after that?

ID
We could move in together after at least a year of dating–

MAX
A year?

ID
I think people that move in together after a few months are just asking for trouble.

MAX
Don’t tell that to Tam and Linus.

ID
Anyway, the moving-in part is what I’m thinking about the most. I love my parents, but I need to get out of that house. You could learn how to cut my hair for me!

MAX
Maybe you could still make sure to visit your mom periodically for that. Sounds like a cute family bonding exercise.

ID
I’m still not sure about the other things I rely on them for, like groceries and other shopping. Maybe we could go together, even though it would look like it’s only you there. And people might think you're cuckoo for talking to yourself.

MAX
Umm, one problem with that. I have giant, very conspicuous antlers now, remember?

ID
Oh. Right.

MAX
How would we even sleep in a bed together? Right now I sleep with my feet by the headboard, and I lay on my back so my antlers stick out over the foot of the bed. What if I turn in my sleep and gouge out one of your eyes?

ID
Well, sleeping in separate beds wouldn’t be the end of the world. We could still fit in a ton of snuggling time when we’re not sleeping.

MAX
Are you a snuggler?

ID
I don’t know. I’ve never tried before. I think I want to be. Are you a snuggler?

MAX
Umm. Yes. Very much so.

ID
Good. Do you think I’m crazy? For thinking about this stuff? I’m not scaring you off, am I?

MAX
I don’t think you’re crazy. It’s good to have something to look forward to. I know I need some hope in my life. I don’t think anything you could do would scare me off.

ID
What if I had a weird fetish, like dressing up like a baby.

MAX
Is that a thing?

ID
I think so?

MAX
Well, do you?

ID
No. Even though I’ve never had sex, my imagination is pretty vanilla.

MAX
Me too. I mean, I’ve had sex, but I’m not really adventurous. I guess I’m just a boring lay.

ID
Oh, shut up, I’m sure you’re great. You’ll just have to show me the ropes. You think you’re up for that?

MAX
Uh, I’m definitely up for that.

ID
Stop it!

MAX
Sorry, it’s really hard talking to you right now.

ID
Max!

MAX
Okay, okay. Sorry. Actually, I’m not sorry. (sigh) Elijah, will I be able to talk to you again before you reach the Kromin Empire space station thingy?

ID
Yeah, we have a few maintenance chores here every day, and we’re planning on doing a deep dive soon into what’s known about Kromin culture, to make sure we don’t do anything to offend them. It’s tricky, because hardly anything is actually known about them. We don’t even know what they look like. But yeah, other than that, I have nothing but time, so if you’re willing, I’d like to call you again, soon.

MAX
I would love that. Actually, what about you doing in 30 minutes?

ID
Umm, nothing, I guess?

MAX
I don’t want to stop talking to you, now that I have you.

ID
We could just stay on the line, Max. I have nowhere to be.

MAX
I need to, uhh, go take care of something.

ID
Is everything okay?

MAX
My pants are really tight. So I may need to loosen them. If you know what I mean.

ID
Oh. Oh!

MAX
So, does 30 minutes sound good to you?

ID
I could… stay on the line. I’m in my own quarters, and everyone else is asleep. I would just have to stay quiet.

MAX
I’m home alone for a while. Would I have to stay quiet?

ID
No. No you wouldn’t.

MAX
So I guess this really has turned into intergalactic phone sex, hasn’t it? Hmm, I wonder if my cell provider is gonna be charging me international fees for this call. Are interplanetary fees a thing? No, that would be ridiculous. How did you reach my phone, exactly?

ID
Max. Can you do me a favor?

MAX
Anything.

ID
Shut the BLEEP up and take off your pants.

MAX
Oh my god! Look at you, so demanding. Is this what it’s gonna be like in a year when we move in together?

ID
Did I say a year? I think I meant to say 6 months.

MAX
Let’s compromise.

ID
10 months?

MAX
8 months?

ID
I like 8. Let’s do 8.

MAX
8 months, it is.

ID
Okay, then. It’s decided. Now that that’s settled, your pants?

MAX
Oh, I’ve been naked this whole time. You called right after my shower, and I was only wearing a towel. Which I discarded several minutes ago.

ID
I thought you said your pants were getting tight.

MAX
I was speaking figuratively.

ID
Well, then, I need to catch up.

MAX
Yeah, you do.

ID
(laughs softly) I can’t believe we’re doing this.

MACGUFFIN
(loud forced cough/throat clearing) Okay, listeners, I also can not believe they’re doing this. This episode is turning quite porny. I feel like all these kids ever talk about is sex. Don’t worry, I won’t subject you to any more of these hormonal twinks. Well, Max is definitely a twink. I think ID is more of an otter. Ugh, why do I know these terms? Oh, young people. Just wait until they’re my age. My dangler hasn’t worked in years! Oh, well. I’m forcibly ending this episode. See ya next time!

SOUND: MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, MacGuffin is voiced by John Pupo, and Elijah is voiced by Nick Bessette. Music by Pete Johnson, and everything else, writing, producing, blahbity blah, was done by me, Mat Johnson. I’m sorry. Thanks for listening! And Mom, if you did listen to this, why?!