22 - Sally

MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles: My beautiful, gorgeous, amazing daughter, Sally, had a run-in with Pitch and the Second Fiddles when they were rescuing Max. After attacking Sophia and accidentally helping her change into her Smasher form, Sally was thwarted by the sleep song of the sidekick formerly known as Snoozy Susie. What is it now? Oh, yes, Lullaby. You know what, I’m just gonna call her Ren. It’s easier. Anyway, after Max was forced to resign from his job at Pet Universe, Ren took over his shifts. Sidekicking for the demented dreamwalker, Lucid Lucy, isn’t really helping her pay the bills, so to help out her family, Ren is stuck working double duty. Heh, I just said duty. Gets me every time. (laughs) Ah. Well, let’s begin!

MAT
Episode 22, Sally.

REN
Hello! Welcome to Pet Universe, my name’s Ren. Who are you shopping for today?

SALLY
Are you talking to me? Sorry, what did you say?

REN
Who are you shopping for today?

SALLY
Obviously myself. What kind of question is that?

REN
I mean, what kind of pet do you have that you’re shopping for?

SALLY
My daddy has a stupid hamster and he needs things to chew on.

REN
Oh, we have a huge variety of blocks and sticks and treats designed to wear down rodent teeth. Let me show you!

SALLY
Fine, whatever. Lead the way, but ditch the fake enthusiasm. You don’t want to be here any more than I do.

REN
You can tell?

SALLY
It’s okay. I’ve never had a job, but I can imagine they’re all awful.

REN
That must be nice not to need to work.

SALLY
Oh, don’t bother empathizing. That’s the problem with being rich– poor people have so much trouble relating to me.

REN
I’m sorry, but you look really familiar. Have we met before?

SALLY
I’ve been in the tabloids before. Maybe you’ve seen me there? I’m kind of a big deal.

REN
What’s your name?

SALLY
Sally Montgomery.

REN
Uh, oh.

SALLY
What, do you recognize me now?

REN
Can you come with me over to the hamsters? Away from other people.

SALLY
What was that? Oh, how darling! You want to protect me from the common folk. You’re right, a photo of me in a place like this would be rather unfortunate. How sweet!

REN
You should go.

SALLY
Excuse me? But I haven’t purchased anything for Daddy’s hamster.

REN
I know who you are. I’m friends with Linus. Well, kind of. Okay, maybe not friends. But, I know him.

SALLY
Oh, did he give you his banana and then split? I know, I know, he’s a heartbreaker, that one.

REN
Uh, no, definitely not.

SALLY
Oh, I see, you have a crush on him! Sorry to say, but he’s actually settled down with some loud-mouthed BLEEP. Oh, dear, I shouldn’t have called her that. A woman shouldn’t call another woman that horrid name. It does our sex a disservice. I should’ve called her a BLEEP.

REN
I don’t think you catch my drift, Sally... Mander.

SALLY
Oh, I see. Have we met before?

REN
I didn’t recognize you without your mask on, but yes, we’ve met.

SALLY
Are you a henchwoman or mercenary? No, not a mercenary. You’re too short.

REN
What? I don’t think that’s a qualifier.

SALLY
Oh, I know! Did you audition to be in my all-female gang, the Hot Mamas? It’s a good thing you didn’t make it, they all died in a mysterious napalm accident.

REN
Again, no.

SALLY
Stop being such a cocktease! Just tell me how you know me.

REN
I didn’t think I thought this through. I’m no one. You were right, I’m just one of Linus’s girls. I was mad at him for ghosting me last year, so I wanted to chew him out.

SALLY
Mmmm. As believable as that excuse may sound, I don’t buy it for a minute. Spill, or I’ll turn these little hamster cages into ovens.

REN
Ha! That’s not much of a threat. Hamsters are some of the most evil creatures in the world. Do it, see if I care?

SALLY
It would be a pity to kill such vicious little monsters. Okay then, how about the next child that comes back here looking for a new pet?

REN
It’s 10 AM on a school day. Good luck with that.

SALLY
You’re starting to piss me off. I could just set your hair on fire and see if you start talking then.

REN
Have you seen those HeroTube videos of people using fire powers to cut and style hair? They’re actually really cool.

SALLY
Oh my god, really? Can they do layers? Wait a minute. No, stop trying to distract me.

REN
It was worth a shot.

SALLY
If you know Linus, and you’re not a henchwoman, that means… You’re a sidekick, aren’t you?

REN
Uh, maybe.

SALLY
Of the sidekicks I’ve had run-ins with, there are only a few whose faces weren’t scarred afterward, and your skin looks nice and smooth.

REN
Maybe I’m one of the few that you didn’t burn.

SALLY
Oh, honey, the others are just piles of ash. You cross me, you die, it’s fairly simple. Unless…

REN
Unless what?

SALLY
If you know my brother, and you’re a sidekick, you’ve gotta be one of Pitch’s witches. I know who you are. You’re… Recall! Tell me, when you transform into that giant beast, are you flame retardant?

REN
I’m pretty sure you can’t say that word anymore.

SALLY
Ugh! Girl, when you turn, can you burn?

REN
Why would I tell you?

SALLY
Last time, I thought I knocked you out, but you just got angry, transformed, and then tried to come after me. Is that anger still there, boiling under the surface? Do you want to get even?

REN
I can see what you’re doing. You’re trying to start a fight. Well, it’s not gonna happen.

SALLY
Afraid you’ll lose?

REN
You didn’t beat us last time, what makes you think this would be any different?

SALLY
You’re alone, you don’t have that little boy with you to put me to sleep.

REN
What? ALright, yeah, I have small boobs, but a boy? Really?

SALLY
What? Oh, of course! You’re not Recall, you’re… Well, I don’t know what your name is. According to your nametag, you’re... Karen. Why, hello, Karen. It’s nice to formally meet you.

REN
BLEEPing retail. Why do the customers need to know our names?

SALLY
You’re a feisty one, aren’t you?

REN
I’m actually the subdued one in the group.

SALLY
Who do you work for?

REN
Why should I tell you?

SALLY
I could just ask Daddy. He knows pretty much everything. While I’m at it, I could find out where you live. I love a good house-fire. You’d like to think it was faulty wiring, but no, definitely arson.

REN
Fine. Have you heard of Lucid Lucy?

SALLY
Oh, yeah. She’s like, crazy, right?

REN
I’m not sure what that means, coming from you.

SALLY
Hey, I know crazy when I see it.

REN
She’s, uh... different.

SALLY
So. You hate her?

REN
No, she’s my boss!

SALLY
A lot of people hate their bosses.

REN
Says the one who’s never worked a day in her life.

SALLY
I may not’ve worked a demeaning lay-person job, but I work very hard. What I do is an artform!

REN
Melting the flesh of your victims and destroying property with firebombs is not art. It’s evil.

SALLY
Why are you poking the bear?

REN
I don’t see any hairy guys around here.

SALLY
What?

REN
Sorry, I blame my gay friends. It’s a whole thing.

SALLY
Poking bears?

REN
No, not the poking part. You know, how some gay men categorize themselves as different types of animals?

SALLY
I’m not following.

REN
You know, like bears are bigger guys that are hairy, otters are hairy but leaner, wolves are hairy and muscular, giraffes are tall and skinny, silver foxes are, oh well, actually silver fox isn’t really a gay term, is it?

SALLY
What about the men that aren’t hairy?

REN
I only know the hairy ones. Oh, wait, twink! Twink’s a thing.

SALLY
This is going nowhere. Are you trying to annoy me to death?

REN
No, I just really didn’t want to deal with the superhero part of my life today.

SALLY
Maybe you’ve picked the wrong line of work, Karen.

REN
Can I just help you buy hamster treats and go back to work? Forget this ever happened?

SALLY
What, without fighting or burning or anything?

REN
Yeah. You seem saner than I expected. And you didn’t come here looking for a brawl. So let’s pretend this didn’t happen.

SALLY
Hmm. No one’s ever talked to me like this before.

REN
What do you mean?

SALLY
You’re treating me like a rational adult.

REN
And?

SALLY
Well, I normally get a bigger reaction. Like, fear, or anger, or desperation. You’re not begging or fleeing or sucking up or attempting to bribe me to spare your life. I have to admit, it’s kind of a let down.

REN
I’m sorry?

SALLY
No, no, don’t apologize. It’s refreshing. Your apathy and level-headedness is… intriguing.

REN
It’s probably just because I know I can put you to sleep and walk away if you try anything.

SALLY
But I know where you work, and I know your name. Doesn’t that worry you?

REN
Of course it does, but what am I supposed to do, live my life afraid of what’s around every corner? I’ve done that, I’ve lived in fear. I’m over it. Sorry, but with everything I’ve been through, you just don’t scare me.

SALLY
Hmm. How would you like to work with me?

REN
Excuse me?

SALLY
Join me. Work with me.

REN
Yeah, no. I’m not a henchie.

SALLY
Not every hero needs a sidekick, you know. We could be a duo. Equal partners.

REN
But you’re not a hero.

SALLY
It’s all about perspective. If you wanted, you could keep me in line. You could keep my more primal urges in check. Or, at the very least, you could put my victims to sleep so they don’t try to fight it. Dying from smoke inhalation in your sleep has gotta be better than watching your meat bubble and slide off the bone.

REN
Sounds like you’ve thought about this way too much.

SALLY
Daddy says I have an overactive imagination.

REN
No offense, but I don’t think that’s a job I’d like to be considered for.

SALLY
Oh well. Your loss. We could’ve made some beautiful music together.

REN
Oh, do you play any instruments?

SALLY
What? No. I wasn’t talking about literal music. It’s an expression!

REN
You need better expressions. That’s misleading.

SALLY
Are you teasing me?

REN
Noooo.

SALLY
The longer we chat, the less I want to leave. I want to know what makes you tick.

REN
If I stop responding, will you go?

SALLY
Tell me, how old are you?

REN
Why does that matter?

SALLY
Do you have a boyfriend? Or maybe... a girlfriend?

REN
Oh, geez, no. My friends are gay, not me. That’s not what’s happening here. Did you think that’s what was happening here?

SALLY
I thought maybe you were so horny that it was masking your fear. It’s the only explanation!

REN
Sally.

SOUND: GRABBING A PLASTIC BAG FROM SHELF

REN
These treats are great for hamsters, and they give them something to chew on. Now, don’t you have somewhere to be?

SALLY
Don’t tell me what to do.

SOUND: FIRE SHOOTING UP FROM SALLY’S HAND

REN
Hey, hey, get rid of the fire. You’ll set off the extinguishers! Do you want all that water messing up your hair?

SOUND: FIRE STOPS

SALLY
Are you sure you don’t want to come work for me? I’ll match whatever you make here. What's the minimum wage now, 50, 60 thousand? I’ll double it.

REN
Uh, what? You’re joking.

SALLY
More? Fine, I’ll triple it.

REN
Holy BLEEP.

SALLY
Oh, you like money? I literally don’t even know how much I have. How many zeros are in a billion? Ugh, I was never good at math.

REN
It would take me like ten years to save up that much money.

SALLY
Hmm. What about a million to start? You wouldn’t even need to get your hands dirty. And if something seems too immoral to you, or whatever, just send me to nap time!

REN
Oh my god.

SALLY
Is that a maybe?

REN
No, that’s a no. If you think I would ever help you, after what you did to Buck, you’re even crazier than Lucid Lucy. And she’s bonkers.

SALLY
After what I did to Max? I helped him!

REN
Okay, yeah, killing the Stag really improved his life a ton.

SALLY
If I hadn’t charred him and dragged his heavy, stinking body into the city, he would’ve never transferred his abilities to his pathetic sidekick. I did everything I was supposed to, to give him unimaginable power. You should be thanking me!

REN
What? You wanted that to happen?

SALLY
When the human race is at risk of total annihilation, who do you want defending the earth, a huge, unpredictable prehistoric deer gifted with ancient knowledge from an advanced alien race, or Max? He’s not exactly who I would choose as the “savior of the planet.” Even with his new powers from the Stag, he won’t have enough time to learn how to use them before it’s too late.

REN
The human race is going to be annihilated?

SALLY
Oops, did I do that thing where I start monologuing and give away the plan? Daddy says I’m really bad at keeping secrets.

REN
Why does the destruction of the human race sound like something you want to happen?

SALLY
Oh, we have bunkers within bunkers, I can outlast it. It’s easier to rule the world when there are less people in it to fight back!

REN
Oh my god, you’re insane.

SALLY
(cackles)

REN
Stop cackling, I don’t want the parrots in the store to start mimicking you. Conures are annoying enough as it is. They don’t need to learn how to sound like a cartoon witch.

SALLY
Why does everyone call me a witch? My skin is so much better than any witch’s. And my fingers are long and thin, yeah, but they’re not crooked or spindley. I call racism!

REN
White BLEEPs can’t call racism. Nice try.

SALLY
You can’t call me that.

REN
I can call you whatever I want. You know what, Sally? You’re a bully. You’re a domineering, selfish, egotistical snatch whose only purpose in life is to ruin everyone else’s. I hope one day, after your precious daddy isn’t there to fix everything for you, that you get what you deserve. Which is nothing. You deserve nothing. You don’t deserve joy, you don’t deserve money, you don’t deserve your powers. You’re a violent, narcissistic sociopath.

SALLY
Oh, wow.

REN
Why are you rubbing your legs together? Do you have to use the bathroom?

SALLY
I want to kill you, but I’m so BLEEPing saturated right now.

REN
Excuse me?

SALLY
No one’s ever gotten me this hot before. (moans) Keep going.

REN
What? No! Gross!

SALLY
No one’s ever spoken to me like that before. It’s really stirring up something down there.

REN
Ew, do you want me to put you to sleep right now?

SALLY
Oh, honey, you don’t need to use your powers to get me into bed.

REN
I was thinking something more along the lines of dragging your body out to the dumpster.

SALLY
You are so naughty!

SOUND: TEXT BEEP

SALLY
Hmm? Oh, no, Daddy just sent me a text. Bubbles couldn’t wait for the chew sticks, so he started eating someone’s finger. Apparently he has a taste for people now. Oh, but he still wants the sticks. You know, for variety.

REN
Was the finger connected to someone?

SALLY
Not anymore!

REN
Oh my god.

SALLY
He wants me back home now, so I’ve gotta go. This isn’t over, Karen.

REN
Is there something I can do to make it be over?

SALLY
Depends on how good you are with your tongue. And your threshold for pain.

REN
Nope. Get out. Just go.

SALLY
I’ll see you again soon! Ta-ta!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY

REN
Well, that ended with less blood and screaming than expected.
(sigh) I don’t get paid enough for this.

FADE IN MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Ren is voiced by Kristy Barkan, Sally is voiced by Jenny Gibson, and MacGuffin is voiced by John Pupo. Music by Pete Johnson, and everything else, writing, production, blah blah blah, was done by Mat Johnson. Thanks for listening.