16 - MacGuffin Family Dinner

MACGUFFIN
Previously, on Second Fiddles: Linus and Tammy’s relationship started under false pretenses. Tammy was following the orders of my wretched twin brother, Fourth Wall, and Linus was trying to be a good son and do what I told him. Despite the initial lies, their love blossomed, causing Linus to betray his family. Tonight, I’m meeting with Linus and his sister, Sally, for dinner, to hash it all out.  Let’s begin!

LINUS
Dad, stop talking directly to the listener, it’s weird.

MACGUFFIN
Aw, come on, son, you used to like it.

LINUS
Having you narrate my life when I was a kid was cool, like I was living in a fairytale or something, but now it’s just creepy.

SALLY
Yeah, Daddy, fairytales are way cooler than narrating podcasts.

LINUS
You know, my girlfriend, Tammy, she once had a run in with a henchperson named Podcast. He was an assassin who made a cast of each of his victims’ faces in plaster.

SALLY
What does that have to do with pods?

LINUS
The pod part was an acronym. Either “proof of delivery,” you know, using the plaster casts to show he did the job, or “payable on death” because, uh, he was an assassin. Tammy wasn’t sure, but both of those sound like good guesses to me.  I think he’s somewhere on the Island now.

MACGUFFIN
I know this Podcast assassin. His name isn’t an acronym. He’s part plant, and he sleeps in a giant pea pod at night.  You are correct about his current whereabouts, however. He is still on the Island.

LINUS
Huh. Thanks. I’ll let Tammy know.

SALLY
I could let her know. I would love to get to know her.

LINUS
Let me guess, you would get to know her by burning her at the stake? No, wait, melting her skin while she’s still alive? Or maybe cooking her legs and making her eat them?

SALLY
Am I that predictable?

MACGUFFIN
Princess, once you force people to cannibalize their own legs three weeks in a row, it kind of becomes your signature move.

SALLY
Hey, they deserved it.

LINUS
What could they possibly have done to deserve that?

SALLY
One of them gave me a bad pedicure.

LINUS
So you killed her co-workers, too?

SALLY
I really didn’t pay attention to her face, so it took me three tries until I found the right one.

LINUS
Oh, okay, that makes sense.

SALLY
Daddy, he’s mocking me!

MACGUFFIN
Now, Linus, don’t upset your sister before dinner is served.

SALLY
What are we eating, anyway?

MACGUFFIN
Previously, at the last MacGuffin family dinner, we ate wild caught Alaskan salmon, but this time, during Episode 16, we’re going to feast on the tiny carcasses of cornish game hens! Let’s begin!

LINUS
Dad, seriously, what the BLEEP?

MACGUFFIN
Sorry, force of habit.

LINUS
I hate cornish game hens. They’re like the most pretentious entree I can think of. And their bones are so tiny.

SALLY
Why are you complaining about something being pretentious? You’re rich, you have super powers, and you look like a movie star. You literally have it all.  That new girl of yours is a bad influence.

LINUS
I never used to think about my life until I got to know people that maybe aren’t... quite so privileged.  I mean, I’m white, I’m wealthy, I’m a cisgendered male–

SALLY
Whatever that means!

LINUS
And, like you said, I have powers. I literally can’t think of anyone else more entitled.

MACGUFFIN
Dang, I believe my son is woke!

LINUS
Ew, Dad, don’t say that. Please.

MACGUFFIN
Well, you can be proud that our family has never killed anyone based on their race or creed, just for the money and power.

SALLY
And for fun! I like the crackling sounds that skin makes when burn blisters start to pop.

LINUS
Wow, I can’t wait to start eating.  Where is our staff, anyway? They haven’t even checked on us to see if we want drinks. Also, no one’s been over to my wing in a while to clean any of my rooms.  Not that I need help, I’m an adult, I can clean after myself.  But laundry is really hard, so maybe someone could help me with that.

MACGUFFIN
No staff tonight, son, just the chef. Since they don’t know about our criminal empire or our aliases, I figured it would be better for less ears to be present so no one overhears anything.  Regarding your rooms, after that whole debacle with your girlfriend and her sidekick friends, I fired your maid.

SALLY
Well, I fired her, if you know what I mean!

LINUS
Are you saying you... set her on fire?

SALLY
What? No! I let her go with a huge severance and told her she could use us as a reference. She was a hard worker. I’m not a monster!

LINUS
Well, you killed over a dozen people because of a bad haircut, and you tried to kill Max because he and the Stag sent you to the Island. Which is literally their job. Do bank robbers get revenge on cops who help put them behind bars?

MACGUFFIN
Oh, yes, one hundred percent.

SALLY
Yeah, all the time.

MACGUFFIN
It’s a fairly common practice.

SALLY
Revenge is fun!

LINUS
You could’ve at least not killed The Stag. I mean, he was a giant deer. Was he really that much of a threat to you?

SALLY
Oh, Daddy said I needed to kill him, so your girl’s little brother would take all his powers.

LINUS
Excuse me?

MACGUFFIN
Shush! Sally, what do I always say about revealing our master plans?

SALLY
You say, “Sally, don’t tell people the plan, because then they’ll know how to stop you.”

MACGUFFIN
Exactly, Princess! Now make small talk with your brother while I go check on our dinner.

SALLY
How is your screamy little witch of a girlfriend doing, anyway?

LINUS
She’s fine, I guess. No thanks to you and your sick lust for vengeance. I’m actually surprised you and Dad showed up tonight. Have you been staying in one of Dad’s lairs? Which one, the underground lair?

SALLY
Ew, no, the underground lair’s humidity is really bad for my hair.

LINUS
The beachfront lair?

SALLY
I thought about that, but no.

LINUS
The one under the shopping mall?

SALLY
Why are you so interested? Do you wanna sic those sidekicks on me again?

LINUS
I want to know why you’re hiding in the first place. The public doesn’t know your identity, they just think you’re the vapid, shopaholic daughter of a business tycoon. I mean, the media bought the whole “rehab” story when you were sent to the Island. And Dad’s been the face of Montgomery Industries for over twenty years, so it would seem weird that he’s vanished all of a sudden.

SALLY
Don’t worry, Daddy and I’ll pop up in a few days to write a check to some charity for dead puppies or whatever. Philanthropy always helps to refocus the story.

LINUS
Are you actually going, or sending doubles that look like you?

SALLY
We’ve recruited the Dopple Gang to help us. Between their shapeshifters, ventriloquist, and makeup artists, we’ll be seen and heard out and about periodically over the next few months. It’s all been planned.

LINUS
Wow, you’re so prepared. Mom would be proud of you.

SALLY
You always were a mommy’s boy.

LINUS
Says the quintessential daddy’s girl. Come on, he still calls you princess, and you call him daddy. Either there’s some weird Freudian stuff going on, or he spoiled you to the point of no return. I really do wish Mom was here to see what you’ve become.

SALLY
She would probably be so buried in one of her books, she wouldn’t even pay attention. She loved her books more than us, you know.

LINUS
More than you, anyway. You treated her like the evil step-mother.

SALLY
She was weak, Linus. You held her on such a pedestal, but you don’t seem to remember that she was the one who left us.

LINUS
If you were my daughter, I probably would’ve left you too.  No offense.

SALLY
Ah, but what about you, brother? Why did she leave you? You were her favorite little thing, but she still left.

LINUS
Maybe it wasn’t her choice, you ever think about that? Dad isn’t exactly known for telling the truth. Besides, he’s clairvoyant. He’s gotta know where she is, but yet he’s never tried to bring her back. He’s so controlling, it doesn’t make any sense.

SALLY
Maybe she’s…

LINUS
Dead?  I don’t think so. Dad would’ve told us.

SALLY
You just said he’s a liar, would that surprise you?

LINUS
I don’t know what to think anymore. All I know is that she, uhh–

MACGUFFIN
Did I miss anything? Are you two behaving yourselves?

LINUS
Well, Sally didn’t start an evil monologue yet, so there’s still hope for the evening.

SALLY
Whatever. Is dinner ready yet, Daddy?

MACGUFFIN
Not quite yet, Princess.

SALLY
Ugh, I hate waiting.

LINUS
We know.  Dad, what was Sally saying about you orchestrating Max acquiring his new powers?

MACGUFFIN
Well, Aon, there are certain things I feel comfortable telling you, and that’s not one of them.

LINUS
Is that why you wanted me to get close to Tammy and go watch Max after you kidnapped him? You knew she was going to follow me and piss off Sally?

MACGUFFIN
I’m not sure if I follow.

LINUS
Oh my god, you did! You knew Sally would get sent back to the Island if I got close to Tammy, and then you probably tipped her off to the Stag’s location.  Sally, when you went after the Stag, who told you where he was?

SALLY
Daddy did…

LINUS
And whose idea was it?

SALLY
Oh, it was totally mine. We were talking about what he and Buck did to me, and I said I wanted to get my revenge.

LINUS
Yeah, but who started the conversation? Who brought up the topic in the first place?

SALLY
Well, Daddy did, but–

LINUS
See? See? We’re sll just pawns in his little games.

SALLY
Daddy, is that true? Did you want me to go back to the Island?

MACGUFFIN
Princess, it’s more complicated than that. I did it all for you.

SALLY
And what exactly am I getting out of it?

MACGUFFIN
Well, it’s fairly simple, sweetie. I’m going to rule the world, and you’ll be my strong right hand.

SALLY
Ew, I don’t want to be a hand. Can I just be a person?

LINUS
It was a metaphor, idiot.

SALLY
Oh shut it, Security Blanket.

LINUS
Hey, don’t make fun of my name. At least it’s better than Sally Mander. I mean, come on, who uses their given name as part of their alias?  Also, you’re not amphibious, so your name makes no sense.

SALLY
I’ve told you a million times, a salamander is an elemental fire spirit. I burn things. Duh!

LINUS
The average person hears “salamander” and thinks of a slimy little thing that looks like a lizard. They don’t think “fire!”

SALLY
You’d best bust out the aloe vera, ‘cause I’m gonna burn your smug little face.

MACGUFFIN
Children, you certainly know how to push each other’s buttons, don’t you?

LINUS
Dad, at least tell me this: Does your plan to use Max to somehow rule the world involve him or Tammy dying?

MACGUFFIN
No, son, it does not.

LINUS
And how am I supposed to believe you?

MACGUFFIN
I’m your father, Linus. I always have your best interest at heart. You’ll understand one day, when you’re a parent.

SALLY
Did you foresee that in the future, Daddy? Does he have kids with that Pitch witch?

MACGUFFIN
You know I won’t tell you the future. It makes things messy.

SALLY
If I blow her head off, she won’t be able to give you any little Linuses.

LINUS
Did you just threaten to kill my girlfriend?

SALLY
What, I like to daydream! Don’t blame me for my imagination. Mom used to encourage it!

LINUS
That’s because Mom wanted you to play in a healthy little-kid way, not go around trying to melt the neighbor’s cat with your powers.

SALLY
Mittens looked much better without a tail, in my opinion.

LINUS
Oh my god.  Dad, it wasn’t fair to use me and Sally the way you did. But, it also wasn’t fair for Fourth Wall to use Tammy the way he did.

MACGUFFIN
Don’t mention your uncle. He’s a menace!

LINUS
I know you’ve been doing this whole mortal enemies, good-twin, bad-twin, yin and yang sort of thing since you were teenagers, but it’s exhausting. Also, him telling Tammy to get close to me allowed me to get close to her, so I don’t really understand how that was him trying to stop you. If anything, he helped you. Or am I missing something?

MACGUFFIN
Your uncle’s mind is starting to fragment due to cognitive impairment. He can’t see the future the same way that I can. He can try his best to stop me, but he will never succeed. I will break him! I will break the Fourth Wall!

SALLY
I’m pretty sure you break the fourth wall all the time, Daddy.

LINUS
You’ve put me in a really crappy position, Dad. I can’t turn you in, because you’ll probably be five steps ahead of me, but I can’t just sit here and let you ruin my life.

MACGUFFIN
Ruin your life? That’s a bit dramatic. If anything, we’re just going to ruin your girlfriend’s life.

LINUS
And that’s supposed to make me feel better?

SALLY
Daddy’s given you everything you have, try to show some gratitude.

LINUS
Yes, thank you for giving me a life of wealth and privilege. Because we’re so rich, I have a terrible work ethic, I’m super entitled, and I don’t know the value of a dollar. If I wasn’t so handsome, I don’t think I’d have any redeemable qualities!

SALLY
Literally no one is ever going to sympathize with you on this.

MACGUFFIN
Son, what about your powers? Those have to be worth something. Your mother and I gifted you with amazing genetics.

LINUS
You know, you only ever mention Mom when you want to change the subject. Or make me feel guilty.

MACGUFFIN
Son, I assure you– Oh, look, dinner is served!

SALLY
Oooh, this looks nommy!

MACGUFFIN
I’ll let you know when we’re ready for dessert, chef. Thank you.

LINUS
Dad, I don’t think I can do this.

SALLY
What, are you a vegetarian now? These teeny little chickens are delicious!

LINUS
That’s not what I’m talking about. I can’t do… THIS.

SALLY
Waving your arms around like that still doesn’t help. Do you mean having a family dinner?

LINUS
(frustrated grunt)

MACGUFFIN
No, Princess, he doesn’t mean the food or the dinner. He’s talking about being a part of this family. Linus, is that right?

LINUS
I can’t just stand by anymore and be complacent. You’ve both done unforgivable things, and you need to stop.

MACGUFFIN
You know we won’t stop, even for you.

LINUS
I know.

SALLY
So what, you’re going to do a citizen’s arrest or something? Surround us in force fields and hold us captive until the authorities come and take us away?

LINUS
Honestly, I was just going to leave, but that’s actually a really good idea.

SOUND: TWO FORCE FIELD WHOOSHES

SALLY
(giggles)

LINUS
What’s so funny?

SALLY
Daddy will be able to break us out every time we get locked away, so this might delay our plans, but it won’t stop them.

MACGUFFIN
She’s right, son. Unless you kill us, you’re only delaying the inevitable.

LINUS
What? I can’t– I can’t kill you.

MACGUFFIN
Actually, you could do it a variety of ways. You trained at the academy to use your force fields to protect people, but they can be used offensively as well.

LINUS
I know that, I can throw the smaller fields like that patriotic hero guy that throws his shield, you know who I mean, and I can use the bigger ones to push people away.

MACGUFFIN
That’s not what I mean. Blunt force trauma is nice and all, but you have so much more potential. You’ve learned to make them soundproof, but you can also make them air-proof. Right now, you could make these force fields so dense that we’re cut off from oxygen. You could also contract them until they crush our bodies like melons.

LINUS
Dad, why would–

SALLY
Ooh, do me first! I wanna get squished!

LINUS
You’re both crazy. I would never do that– I could never do that.

MACGUFFIN
There really isn’t much of a difference between killing people and, how did you phrase it, being complacent, with us killing people? If you’d grown a backbone earlier, you could’ve saved countless lives.

LINUS
I can’t tell if you want me to fight you because it plays into your plans, or because you’re trying to use reverse psychology on me. Which one is it?

MACGUFFIN
Linus–

LINUS
You know what, it doesn’t matter. I can’t be here anymore.

SOUND: TWO FORCEFIELD WHOOSHES

SALLY
You’re such a little coward.

LINUS
If not being able to kill my family makes me a coward, then fine, I’m a giant BLEEPing BLEEP BLEEP coward, okay?

SALLY
Hey, you said it.

MACGUFFIN
You will find that you no longer have access to any of your bank accounts, as I control them. Your credit cards, too.

LINUS
Fine, I don’t care. Do it.

MACGUFFIN
No, son, you don’t understand. You were cut off over an hour ago. It’s been set up for days.

LINUS
You knew this was going to happen, yet you still set up for this charade of a family dinner? Why?

MACGUFFIN
If you hadn’t come here, would you still have chosen to leave?

LINUS
Are you saying you wanted me to leave, so you made this happen? Or was this going to happen either way?  I don’t even feel like I have any free will anymore. Have I ever made a decision on my own, or have you manipulated me into making the choices that you wanted?

SALLY
Whenever I think about it, I get a headache. It’s better just not to think at all.

LINUS
Yeah, you’re really good at that.  Can I at least pack a bag before I go?

MACGUFFIN
What’s the point of having expensive luggage if no one ever uses it? Sure, son, take whatever you need. But don’t expect to come back. The moment you set foot outside of this estate, my security system will identify you as an enemy.

SALLY
Where are you going to go?

LINUS
I don’t know. If I knew, I wouldn’t tell you anyway.

MACGUFFIN
It doesn’t matter, I already know where you’re going.

LINUS
Stop it! At least let me pretend I’m doing this on my own.

MACGUFFIN
Of course.

LINUS
And if I can’t ever come back…

MACGUFFIN
Yes?

LINUS
Can I take a few of Mom’s things from the library? She spent so much time with her books, they always remind me of her.

MACGUFFIN
Help yourself, son. I don’t have much time for reading any more, and your sister hasn’t been allowed in there for years. You know, fire hazard.

SALLY
I like it when the pages turn brown and pieces of paper start floating in the air!

LINUS
How has this house never burned down?

SALLY
Brother, before you go–

LINUS
What?

SALLY
Can I– eat your dinner?

LINUS
Be my guest. Don’t choke on the tiny bones.  That was sarcasm. You already knew that.  Okay, now I’m making it weird. Well, I guess I’ll be going. So, umm. Bye?

MACGUFFIN
That went well.

SALLY
Well, if he’s not gonna be around anymore, does that mean I can get another dog?

MACGUFFIN
No, Princess, you’ve gone through so many already.

SALLY
But Daddy, I want a corgi! They’re like fuzzy little t-rexes!

MACGUFFIN
Okay, but when you eventually get bored with it, promise me that you’ll cremate it. We’re running out of room to bury them in the gardens.

SALLY
Ooh, maybe I could try cremating it while it’s still alive! I haven’t tried that before. Well, you know, with a dog.

MACGUFFIN
Yes, I remember your guinea-pig phase. You really were such an energetic 8 year old.

SALLY
Aww, thanks, Daddy! You’re the best!

MACGUFFIN
Anything for you, Princess.

SALLY
Daddy?

MACGUFFIN
Yes?

SALLY
Do you know if we’re going to have to fight Linus? In the future? I have this theory that if I get the air around his forcefields hot enough, it might cook him like an oven.

MACGUFFIN
There’s that wonderful imagination of yours hard at work!  And no, sweetie, you don’t have to worry about your brother. You won’t have to fight him.

SALLY
Oh. Whatever! 

MACGUFFIN
Well, listener, I hope you enjoyed this small glimpse into my life. You won’t believe what’s coming up next! It’s not very exciting, or thrilling, or even that inventive, but it’s mildly entertaining, if you’re into that sort of thing.

SALLY
Daddy, are you gonna eat that, or–

MACGUFFIN
What? No, Princess. Help yourself.  Anyway, thank you for listening. Until next time! Tally ho!  Sorry, I was trying something new. Note to self, tally ho is not the way to go. Heh. That rhymed.

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, MacGuffin is voiced by John Pupo, Sally is voiced by Jenny Gibson, and Linus is voiced by Alex Sinicropi. All the other stuff, the production, writing, all that jazz, was done by Mat Johnson. Thanks for listening!