Second Fiddles

Episode 14 – Departure

June 09, 2022 Second Fiddles Season 2 Episode 1
Second Fiddles
Episode 14 – Departure
Show Notes Transcript

Sophia and Ren prepare for their trip to outer space to save Smasher and the rest of the A-league.

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14 - Departure

MACGUFFIN
Why hello, listener! MacGuffin, here, your favorite criminal mastermind! Welcome to season two of Second Fiddles. If you haven’t experienced the first season, you probably should, because I really want to avoid doing one of those “last season on–” recaps. What’s that? You want one anyway? But they’re so long! You sure? Well, BLEEP me!

So, last season on Second Fiddles– No, no, I hate these. I’m not doing this. Here are the only things that matter: Sophia is about to blast off into outer space to search for her father, the A-league hero known as Smasher, and after my amazingly beautiful, intelligent, and captivating pyromaniac daughter, Sally Mander, killed Max’s hero, the Stag, he absorbed his powers and grew his own inconvenient set of prehistoric deer antlers. That’s it. That’s the set up. That’s all you’re getting. Let’s begin!

SOUND: MUSIC

MAX
Episode 14: Departure.

TAMMY
Aww, thanks, guys! Max is totally gonna love opening these cards when he comes home tomorrow. I think they’re cheesy, but he’ll love them. I think they’re cheesy, but he’ll love them.

SOPHIA
Tammy, I’m sad to inform you that there’s no category in the card section for coping with a physical transformation, so I went with a get-well-soon card. The card has a rabbit on it. I almost drew antlers on it, like a Jackalope, so it would match Max’s new antlers, but I did not. Ren, I hope you also did not get a card featuring a rabbit.

REN
Uh, no, Sophia, no bunnies from me. I actually just wrote him a poem and put it in an envelope. It’s super cheesy, but I hope it makes him smile.

ID
I’m sure he’ll love it.

REN
Gah!

ID
What’s wrong?

REN
Sorry, Invisidude, I forgot you were here. You haven’t said anything for a while, and you kinda scared me when you just chimed in like that.

ID
Oh, that’s okay. I get it. And Ren? If you’re gonna use my alias, please call me ID. I’m trying my best not to resent my name, but it’s hard.

REN
You got it, ID. You’re talking to the former Snoozy Susie, remember? I sympathize.

SOPHIA
I much prefer your new alias: Lullaby.

REN
Why thank you, boss lady!

SOPHIA
I know you’re joking, but I don’t love you calling me that. Having a sidekick is new to me. It will take some getting used to.

TAMMY
What’ll take me time to get used to is hearing you use contractions more often. I wince a little every time, but in the best way possible.

SOPHIA
I am glad to amuse you, Tammy. It’s a good thing you’ll have your hands full while we are gone.

TAMMY
Yeah, I’m probably going to have to help Max with a lot, this is gonna be a hard adjustment. I mean, growing antlers is rough enough, but he’s also unemployed and has to figure out a new set of powers.

SOPHIA
Yes, there is that, but I was referring to your new hero status on the B-league. Will you be holding auditions soon for your own sidekick?

TAMMY
Oh. Yeah. That. Yeah, I looked through some resumes, and I have a meeting next week to schedule a few in-person auditions.

REN
That’s gotta be exciting, to finally have all the control?

TAMMY
I don’t know. I don’t always work well with others.

SOPHIA
What about Linus?

TAMMY
What about him?

SOPHIA
He’s a sidekick, and you need a sidekick.

TAMMY
There’s no way in hell I’m hiring my boyfriend. The power dynamic doesn’t need to be messed with.

REN
Ooo, you called him your boyfriend!

TAMMY
Shut up, kid. It’s complicated. Okay, well, it’s not that complicated. He hasn’t seen his family since the Stag died. He’s been living in their estate, alone. Well, him and the staff. Have I mentioned he has a staff?

ID
What about his mother? Is she still in the picture?

TAMMY
I don’t think so. I don’t really know anything about her, just that Linus doesn’t like to talk about her. I looked her up on the internet, but there was nothing to find. I honestly don’t even know if she’s dead or alive.

REN
Well, at least he can take my spot in the group as the one with family issues.

TAMMY
You’re not leaving forever, you’ll be back!

SOPHIA
It will take about 2 months to travel to our destination, and the same time back, and then however much time it takes to find my father and the rest of the A-league.

TAMMY
Are you still nervous?

SOPHIA
The only thing I am nervous about is Eliot, my cat. Ren’s family has agreed to care for him while we’re away, but I fear that he will not recognize me when I return.

REN
I told you, my sister loves animals. She’s fairly responsible for her age. She got a learner’s permit a while back, though, and I was supposed to be the one to teach her to drive, so at least the cat will distract her for a while. Oh, and Giles loves cats. So far, after we introduced them this morning, Eliot mostly hid under the bed, but I’m not surprised.

TAMMY
Even with the advanced tech that the A-league ships have, two months is a long time. Where are you even going?

SOPHIA
The galaxy doesn’t have a name, per-se, but alphanumerically, it’s referred to as Galaxy B-J-6-9.

TAMMY
Is that a joke?

SOPHIA
No, why would that be a joke?

TAMMY
BJ sixty-nine? Really?

SOPHIA
I don’t view everything sexually as you do, Tammy, so that was not my first thought. Now that you have brought it up, I– I can see the humor.

ID
You said earlier that you’re leaving later today. How are you getting to the ship?

SOPHIA
We will be teleported onto the ship, which is currently orbiting the planet, and will be placed directly into stasis pods for the first few weeks of travel.

ID
Is that because time works differently in space or something?

SOPHIA
No, it is because we will immediately begin jumping through a series of wormholes.

TAMMY
Heh. Heh.

REN
What’s so funny? What, are you about to tell us about a henchperson you know named Wormhole?

TAMMY
What? No. I’m still stuck on the galaxy name, BJ-69. Who thought that was a good idea? Sorry, I’m 12. Please ignore me.

ID
Where will the wormholes come from?

SOPHIA
The ship was designed with borrowed alien technology, and it creates temporary wormholes. They can have undesirable effects on the human body, so the stasis chambers are to keep our molecules from floating apart.

REN
You didn’t tell me that!

SOPHIA
Oh, I assure you, it is safe. The alien species that created the technology has been using it for over a thousand years.

REN
Mmhmm.

ID
I don’t know much about wormholes, but what prevents the ship from just jumping immediately there? I thought wormholes can potentially go anywhere.

SOPHIA
I read thousands of pages describing how it works, which I could recite for you, but we don’t have the time, so I will just say that creating wormholes is tricky, and the further the two points are that they connect, the harder it is for the ship to travel, so by doing a series of shorter, controlled jumps, it’s much safer.

ID
Okay. I still don’t get it, but I’ll suspend my disbelief and roll with it. When are you leaving?

SOPHIA
Soon. They will send me a message before the teleporter locks onto us and sends us up there.

TAMMY
So you’ll just beam up from here in the apartment? That’s actually really dope. Do people still say dope?

REN
Nope.

TAMMY
Where’s your luggage? Can you bring stuff?

REN
No, we can’t bring anything. We’ll have these uniform space suit things, but that’s it. There’s food and everything else available on the ship for when we wake up.

ID
I still can’t believe you’re going on a mission to outer space. I would be terrified. I mean, I’m afraid of heights, so I’ve never even been in an airplane. I don’t know how that translates to being in space, but it can’t be great.

SOPHIA
I’m only going so I can find my father.

ID
Well, the whole A-league is missing, it’s not just Smasher. We’re not sure what’s going on with the Kromin invasion, and if they managed to stop it before we lost communication with them.

TAMMY
At least Captain Spangle’s sidekick is going too. Where is Chameleon, anyway?

SOPHIA
Chameleon will also be teleported up.

ID
I’ve always wanted to meet Chameleon.

TAMMY
Wait until they’re back, maybe they can introduce you.

SOPHIA
Of course. I will remember.

TAMMY
You always remember.

SOPHIA
Yes, but sometimes I feel like I need to remind everyone.

TAMMY
Well, you’re certainly better than leaving post-it notes everywhere. I really hope you’re able to find the A-league and bring them home.

SOPHIA
Yes, I will also hopefully be able to prevent an intergalactic war, as well. It’s only once in a blue moon that someone is faced with such a dilemma.

TAMMY
Hey, I met a henchie named Blue Moon once.

REN
Oh, geez.

TAMMY
He was pretty young. I only saw him one time, and he disappeared from the scene after that. Being a henchie isn’t for everyone.

REN
And?

TAMMY
And what?

REN
What was his power?

TAMMY
Oh, right. Blue Moon’s butt was blue and it glowed like a lightning bug. I couldn’t stop staring at it.

REN
Lightning bug? Is that like a firefly?

TAMMY
Uh, yeah, I think they’re the same thing.  Anyway,
his power was kinda cute, in a harmless, pathetic sorta way. I wonder what ever happened to him.

REN
Tammy, I’m going to miss your stupid henchperson references. And Max. I wish I could’ve seen him before our trip.

ID
I think he would’ve loved to see you too. He’s gonna be kicking himself for not being able to say goodbye.

REN
Will kicking himself be hard to do with hooves?

TAMMY
What? He doesn’t have hooves.

REN
Oh, I just assumed if he’s like part deer now that he would have hooves.

ID
Oh god, could you imagine? He’s already freaking out enough as it is. It’s only been two days, and he’s already texted me about 30 times asking for a belt sander to wear his antlers down.

TAMMY
Seriously? Max knows what a belt sander is?

ID
I know, I was surprised too.

SOPHIA
I’m happy to hear that you’ve been communicating with him, I.D. I was unsure if the two of you would be able to share your feelings with each other.

ID
Uh, yeah, well, at least there’s that.

TAMMY
They haven’t had any private time since Max began his stay with Doctor Healy.

REN
Is Healy his alias? I know he’s a doctor for people with powers, but is his last name actually Healy, or does he call himself that ‘cause he heals people?

SOPHIA
Healy is his surname. And he doesn’t have healing powers. He does have x-ray vision, however, which is useful considering his profession.

REN
Oh. Okay. Thanks. Tammy, do you and I.D. have anything planned for when Max gets released tomorrow? Like a welcome home party? You could put a little party hat on Eloise or something.

TAMMY
Ha! That stupid bird would try to talon my eyes out before I’d ever get a chance to put a hat on her.

ID
Hey, don’t call her stupid, she helped us save Max.

TAMMY
Birds are dumb. It’s a fact. Have you ever heard the expression bird-brain?

SOPHIA
Some birds, such as ravens, are actually very intelligent.

TAMMY
Nevermind.

ID
To answer your question, no, we don’t have anything planned for Max. He’s not doing great right now.

REN
But, he’s okay? I mean, they wouldn’t be releasing him if he wasn’t okay. Right?

TAMMY
Define “okay.”

REN
You said he has antlers, and he can shoot lasers out of his eyes, now, right? Are those his only new powers?

TAMMY
He hasn’t quite figured out the laser stuff yet. His eyes glow red sometimes, but he hasn’t been able to do anything more than that. The Stag could regenerate his wounds, so now Max can heal, too.

SOPHIA
Not every wound, apparently.

TAMMY
Well, yeah, I guess it wasn’t enough for multiple gunshot wounds and the third degree burns covering his body, but that was a bit extreme. Max’ll never have to deal with paper cuts or headaches ever again, so I guess that’s something.

REN
Are his other powers still there?

ID
He can still communicate with animals, yeah. Eloise stopped by before Doctor Healy’s team came to pick him up that night. He was in and out of consciousness, but he did talk with her for a few minutes. We were still invisible, but she must’ve been able to sense him or something.

REN
That’s good! 

SOPHIA
Max is currently on leave from the C-league in light of the new circumstances, but have you heard if there are plans for him to take the Stag’s place on the team?

TAMMY
Umm, yeah, about that. Max was fired.

ID
What? He never told me that!

TAMMY
He didn’t tell you because he doesn’t know yet. They asked for me to break the news to him, but I haven’t figured out how to do it yet. Yeah, I know, once again, I’m a horrible sister.

REN
Ouch. That’s rough. Do you know why they let him go?

TAMMY
Don’t say “they let him go,” that makes it sound nice. He got BLEEEP-canned, and it sucks.

REN
Okay, then, do you know why he got BLEEP-canned?

TAMMY
They said he didn’t have enough experience to be his own hero, even with the major power upgrade, and no one else in any of the leagues needs a sidekick right now. He filled them in after his kidnapping, which they weren’t happy about, so he was already on thin ice as it was. Honestly, I think the Stag was the only reason he was hired in the first place, because they literally needed a translator.

ID
Please don’t tell him I said this, but his powers may not have been that useful in the past, but his attitude and work ethic were always top notch. They’d be lucky to have him as a hero, let alone a sidekick!

TAMMY
Why wouldn’t I tell him you said that? That was actually, like, super sweet. You really care about him, don’t you?

ID
Mmm.. Yeah, I do.

SOPHIA
To divert this conversation away from awkward romantic feeling discussions, I would like to know how you think Max will react to this news.

REN
He’s gonna freak out.

TAMMY
Yeah, what she said. Seriously, you’ve all met him. His identity was based on his job. I mean, he went by Buck. Without the Stag around, his name doesn’t even make sense.

SOPHIA
Actually, now that he has antlers, it makes just as much sense, if not more.

TAMMY
Hmm. That had not occurred to me. Good point.

REN
Did Max already quit his job at Pet Universe?

ID
Yeah, he called them and told them he couldn’t work anymore. He said he was sick in the hospital, or something, and they took his name off the schedule. Now that he has those antlers, he’s not going to be able to have a civilian life. I already promised to go on walks with him whenever he wants to leave the apartment, so no one will stare.

REN
Wouldn’t people stare more if it looks like he’s talking to himself?

ID
What? No, I can make him invisible. You didn’t know that?

REN
I don’t think so. Maybe I did? Sometimes you all talk so much, I tune you out.

SOPHIA
ID had just mentioned them both being invisible when Eloise visited them prior to Doctor Healy’s arrival.

REN
Oh. Sorry. I have a lot on my mind. Going to space and everything. Can you make anyone invisible?

ID
Only if they’re touching my skin. It’s complicated.


REN
Huh. Okay.

TAMMY
Anyway, with my new promotion, Max won’t need a job for a while anyway, so it all works out. His life is gonna be totally different now. He hasn’t really been able to sleep. Having a five foot rack on your head apparently makes it hard to fit on a bed.

ID
And he’s a side sleeper, so that makes it worse.

TAMMY
I’m not even going to ask how you know how he sleeps.

ID
He told me. Don’t worry, we’ve only kissed.

TAMMY
Excuse me?

ID
Um, yeah. That happened!

TAMMY
After these two get teleported up into space, I’m gonna have one of those overprotective sibling conversations with you.

SOPHIA
Speaking of that, Ren, it is now time for us to leave. I just received notification that they will be teleporting us up momentarily.

REN
Oh my god. Okay.

TAMMY
I can’t believe this is happening. I’m gonna miss you, Sophia. You too, kid.

REN
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just don’t break your promise to keep an eye on my family.

SOPHIA
Thank you, Tammy. Also, when you check in with Ren’s family, please make sure Eliot is enjoying his time with them.

TAMMY
You got it. Eliot’s the dog, right?

SOPHIA
That is not funny. You know that Eliot is my–

SOUND: TELEPORTATION SWOOSH

TAMMY
Whoa, that looked way cooler than I expected. I feel like we’re in an episode of Star Trek. 

REN
Um, so is it my turn now?

TAMMY
Oh, hey, you’re still here! Sorry, the flashy lights kinda blinded me for a second.

REN
I thought we were supposed to be beamed up together.

TAMMY
Maybe they have to recharge it or something?

REN
It doesn’t work that way. It was supposed to lock onto us and teleport us both into the stasis chambers.  At the same time. What the hell?

TAMMY
Should we try, like, calling her?

REN
No, she’ll be in a stasis chamber. I literally just said that. She won’t be awake.

TAMMY
I’m already texting headquarters. I’m just asking if they’re gonna be beaming you up separately.

REN
I have a bad feeling about this. I mean, I was already having a bad feeling, and I’m already anxious enough without having to wait.

TAMMY
Just calm down, someone from comms should be getting back to-

SOUND: PHONE BEEPS

TAMMY
Ah, there we are. They’re so prompt! They said that… umm. Hmm. Huh.

REN
Read it outloud!

TAMMY
Sorry. They said “Both heroes were successfully teleported into their stasis chambers, and are safely traveling toward their destination.”


REN
Uh, no. That’s obviously not true.

TAMMY
I don’t get it, you’re still here. What do they mean, you both were teleported?

REN
ID? ID, are you here?

TAMMY
Of course he’s still here. Or not. ID, did you go to the bathroom or something?

REN
Invisidude? Invisidude!

TAMMY
Umm, this is a problem.

REN
Ya think? BLEEP! BLEEPity BLEEP BLEEP!

TAMMY
Okay, so, maybe they accidentally teleported the wrong person. Mistakes happen!

REN
Sophia needs me, Tammy! I’m supposed to be there if she loses control. If she starts Smashing out, and I’m not there to make her sleep, she could kill people, or destroy the ship she’s traveling in. Who knows what could happen!

TAMMY
Oh. Yeah, that’s bad.

REN
Wait, ID said he was afraid of heights. He can’t go in an airplane, how is he going to deal with outer space?

TAMMY
Okay, that’s also pretty bad. He’s tough, though, and they’ll have Chameleon with them, so hopefully there won’t be any problems?

REN
Any problems? Did you not hear the part about Sophia possibly killing everyone?

TAMMY
Kid, we can figure this out. Maybe we can call someone and have them turn the ship around.

REN
If they’re in stasis, and they’re already traveling, that means they’re in a wormhole. There’s literally nothing we can do but wait weeks until they wake up.

TAMMY
BLEEP. BLEEP!

REN
What?

TAMMY
What am I gonna tell Max? He’s coming back tomorrow morning and I’m gonna have to tell him his new boyfriend is gonna be gone for months, and that he might possibly never return.

REN
Why would you say that? Of course they’re coming back!

TAMMY
Not if Sophia smashes his face in and they’re all killed in the middle of an intergalactic war!

REN
You’re making me really happy I didn’t go, but I can’t tell if I should be furious or relieved.

TAMMY
You can be both, that’s totally understandable.

REN
Oh my god. I don’t even know what to do.

TAMMY
Let’s go to HQ and see if anyone has answers for us. We need them to know what’s going on.

REN
Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I need to call my mom on the way, too, to let her know I’ll be coming home tonight. Is it okay if you drive?

TAMMY
Yeah, that’s fine. Everything’ll be okay, kid. Don’t worry, we’ll figure this out.

REN
I hope so. I hope Max is still gonna be holding Second Fiddles meetings.

TAMMY
He’ll have nothing else to do, so I don’t see why not. 

REN
Good. I think we’re all gonna be in need of a little support.

TAMMY
I couldn’t have said it better myself.

SOUND: MUSIC

MAT
In this episode of Second Fiddles, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime, Invisidude is voiced by Nick Bessette, Ren is voiced by Kristy Barkan, and Macguffin is voiced by John Pupo. The brand new theme song is by Pete Johnson, and all the other stuff– writing, production, editing, sound design, whatnot– was done by Mat Johnson. Thanks for listening, and enjoy the rest of season 2.